Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

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Episode 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”

(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on October 20th, 1989)

Hobie’s such a dumbass.

For the second time in like four episodes (and that’s not counting the pilot), the entire Baywatch team is mobilized to search for him after he goes missing.  This time, Hobie overhears Mitch and his ex-wife arguing over who should have custody of him so Hobie and two of his stupid little friends head off to an island that’s also being used by a couple of murderous modern-day pirates.

Seriously, Hobie — stuff like this isn’t going to look good when Craig is in court and trying to argue that you should stay in California with your Dad.  So far, Hobie has nearly been killed by a collapsing pier, he’s ended up getting chased by a murderer on a jet ski and, in this episode, he’s menaced by two other murderers.  It’s time to send Hobie to Indiana or some place else where there’s no ocean.

In other news, Shauni accidentally drives over Eddie’s foot so Mitch orders them to work the 24-hour shift together so that they can learn how to work as a team.  Truth be told, Eddie is  a bit of whiny punk and he definitely needs to learn how to work with other people.  That said, I think Mitch is overlo0king the fact that Shauni, a trained lifeguard, drove over someone’s foot.  (Shauni was apparently backing out and didn’t realize Eddie was behind her, which is even worse.)  Mitch finds the whole thing to be amusing and, later, Shauni has a good laugh when she nearly runs over Eddie a second time.  I don’t think any of these people should be anywhere near anyone who needs help.  Sometimes, people really should just stand in the darkness.

This episode was supposed to make me appreciate the efforts of the Baywatch lifeguards to protect the beach and to find missing kids like Hobie.  Instead, it just made everyone look incompetent and irresponsible.  Halfway through this episode, I wanted someone to get attacked by a shark.  It hasn’t happened yet but at least the show has given me something to which to look forward.