The Eric Roberts Collection: Amityville Death House (dir by Mark Polonia)


Eric Roberts is The Warlock!

If you’re specifically watching the 2015 film, Amityville Death House, because of the presence of Eric Roberts (and seriously, who could blame you?), Roberts appears about four minutes into the film.  His first scene lasts about 50 seconds.  He pops up a few more times throughout the film and, each time, he’s onscreen for, at most, 20 seconds.  Every time that he appears, he is sitting in a room that has been decorated to look like a dungeon.  He never interacts with anyone in the cast and, indeed, it’s easy to tell that this is another one of these films where he did all of his scenes in one day and probably didn’t even have to leave his house.  He wears a mask throughout the entire film but there’s no mistaking his voice.

Amityville Death House takes place in the town of Amityville, New York and it features a house that looks like a smaller version of the infamous haunted house that appears in most of the other Amityville films.  That said, there’s not any reference to the supposed hauntings or the DeFeo murders or any of the other usual Amityville plot points.  Instead, this film deals with the spirit of a 17th century witch named Abigail, who was lynched by the inhabitants of Amityville.  Eric Roberts plays the Warlock who, for reasons that are never quite clear, hopes to bring Abigail’s spirit back into the realm of the living.

When Tiffany (Kyrsten St. Pierre) comes up to Amityville to check in on her grandmother (Yolie Canales), she finds Abigail’s old diary and realizes that her grandmother lives in Abigail’s former home.  Tiffany even reads aloud from the diary, which is not good news for her friends, Aric (Michael Merchant), Bree (Cassandra Hayes), and Dig (Houston Baker).  Her friends were just traveling with Abigail to help her out at her grandmother’s place.  They certainly weren’t expecting to end up under a witch’s curse thanks to Tiffany’s stupidity.

Even with a running time of just 75 minutes, Amityville Death House is a painfully slow film.  Scenes play out with no sense of pace or suspense and the characters are all paper thin.  The final ten minutes of the film are enjoyably weird, with the characters suffering from hallucinations, one person turning into a spider, and dialogue like, “She has the witch’s teats!”  But it takes such a long time for the movie to reach that point and there’s so much unnecessary padding on the way that many viewers will probably check out before getting to experience any of that.

On the plus side, though, Eric Roberts at least sounded like he was having fun.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  7. Sensation (1994)
  8. Dark Angel (1996)
  9. Doctor Who (1996)
  10. Most Wanted (1997)
  11. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  12. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  13. Hey You (2006)
  14. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  15. The Expendables (2010) 
  16. Sharktopus (2010)
  17. Deadline (2012)
  18. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  19. Lovelace (2013)
  20. Self-Storage (2013)
  21. This Is Our Time (2013)
  22. Inherent Vice (2014)
  23. Road to the Open (2014)
  24. Rumors of War (2014)
  25. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  26. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  27. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  28. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  29. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  30. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  31. Monster Island (2019)
  32. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  33. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  34. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  35. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  36. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  37. Top Gunner (2020)
  38. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  39. Killer Advice (2021)
  40. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  41. My Dinner With Eric (2022)

Previous TSL Amityville Reviews:

  1. The Amityville Horror (1979)
  2. Amityville II: The Possession (1981)
  3. The Amityville Cure (1990)
  4. The Amityville Haunting (2011)
  5. Amityville: The Awakening (2017)
  6. The Amityville Murders (2018)
  7. Amityville Cop (2021)
  8. Amityville Emanuelle (2023)

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.3 “Chicken Run” and 5.4 “Papa Please”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week’s episode of City Guys finds Chris getting stabbed and the neat guys failing to get vengeance.

Episode 5.3 “Chicken Run”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 22, 2001)

Here’s the plot of this episode of City Guys, according to Wikipedia:

Jamal is labeled a chicken when he refuses to fight a gang member. Wanting to get rid of his reputation, he fights the gang member. The gang member pulls out a knife and stabs Chris, who was trying to save Jamal.

I’m giving you the Wikipedia description because this is one of the episodes of City Guys that is not currently available on YouTube.  I actually watched this episode on Tubi, several months before I started this Retro Television Reviews feature.  What I remember is that Chris was stabbed while trying to protect Jamal but it wasn’t a fatal wound.  He did end up in the hospital, where Jamal swore that he would never fight again.  So, I guess Jamal was willing to fight to protect his reputation but he wasn’t willing to fight to avenge Chris.  What a jerk.

Let’s move on …. though I will say that if someone ever stabbed me, I would totally expect all of my friends and family to track that person down and enact some Biblical justice …. but whatever.  Let’s move on….

SERIOUSLY, FRIENDS AVENGE EACH OTHER!

Okay, seriously, let’s move on….

Episode 5.4 “Papa Please”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 22, 2001)

Fresh from not being avenged, Chris proves himself to be the world’s biggest idiot when he meets Cassidy’s father for the first time.  Consider that Chris and Cassidy have been friends for five season and they’ve been dating off-and-on for years but this is his first time to meet Cassidy’s father.

And perhaps that was a good thing because Chris totally blows it when he finally does meet Cassidy’s father.  First, Chris gets into an argument with him about whether or not Chris had the right away while crossing the street.  (Apparently, Cassidy’s father nearly ran him over.)  Then, once they get a booth at the Manhattan Diner (why not just meet on the roof of the school?), Chris says that he’s dating Cassidy because she’s hot and then he compares his radio show to Howard Stern despite having been specifically told not to mention Stern.

In other words, Chris is an idiot.

Cassidy’s dad forbids Cassidy to date Chris so Cassidy decides to pretend that she’s dating L-Train so that Chris will look better in comparison.  Cassidy’s dad takes an immediate liking to L-Train and soon, the two of them are golf buddies.  Good for L-Train.  He deserves a friend to play golf with.

While all this is going on, Al and Dawn are scandalized to discover that Ms. Noble is a smoker!  They force her to sit through a lecture in which Al dresses up like a giant cigarette.  I know I’ve said this before but …. MS. NOBLE IS THE PRINCIPAL!  SHE’S AN ADULT!  WHO CARES IF SHE SMOKES!?  It’s none of their business if she smokes!

Anyway, this leads to a dumb conclusion.  Chris is upset to learn that Cassidy has been pretending to date L-Train.  Cassidy’s Dad is upset that Cassidy has still been dating Chris.  “You never lied to me before,” says Cassidy’s Dad.  Really, never?  In the end, Chris convinces Cassidy’s Dad that he didn’t give him a fair chance by volunteering to stop seeing Cassidy if it’s causing trouble.  Cassidy’s Dad is so moved that he gives Chris permission to date his daughter.  Meanwhile, Dawn and Al convince several other students to pretend to smoke in order to show Ms. Noble that she’s a bad role model.

“It’s not easy watching someone you care about kill themselves,” Dawn says.

SHE’S THE PRINCIPAL, YOU WEIRDO!

I hope Ms. Noble smoked every day for the rest of her life.