(Along with everything else that she’s trying to get done this month, Lisa is also trying to make some progress in getting her DVR cleaned out!  She has currently got over 170 things recorded and they’re all going to be erased on January 1st, regardless of whether she’s watched all of them or not.  That’s just the way things work in the Bowman household.  Will she manage to watch everything before the year ends?  Keep checking here to find out!  Anyway, she recorded 2017’s Nightmare Nanny off of the Lifetime Movie Network on June 16th.)

If there’s anything that I’ve learned from watching Lifetime movies, it’s that anyone who actually wants to spend time with children (especially babies) is a fucking psycho.

Seriously, I’ve lost track of the number of Lifetime films that have dealt with a crazy babysitter, nanny, teacher, step-parent, foster child, or an obsessed neighbor.  They all tend to start out the same way, with a large and tastefully decorated house.  Inside the house, a woman thinks that she can have it all: a career, a family, and an outspoken, take-no-bullshit best friend who likes to drink wine.  Sometimes, the woman is a single mother.  If she’s divorced or separated, her husband is still not quite out of the picture.  If she’s widowed, then she still has to deal with a pushy in-law who doesn’t think that she’s spending enough time at home.  If she’s still married, her husband is a jerk who spends all of his time at the office with his attractive administrative assistant.

Married, divorced, or widowed, she has at least two children to take care of.  It’s not easy trying to balance it all.  But then suddenly, someone shows up.  Sometimes, it’s a neighbor who is just a little too friendly.  Sometimes, it’s a nanny who has been hired because of “impeccable” (and forged) credentials.  Whoever it is, they always say that they love children.  They imagine it probably has something to do with their own dysfunctional childhood.  They just want to find a place to belong.  And so, this stranger is hired and entrusted with the safety of the household.

It’s always a mistake.  No one is every truly helpful in a Lifetime movie and the more perfect someone seems to be, the more likely that person is going to turn out to be a raving psycho.  Unfortunately, the characters in Lifetime movies appear to have never watched television.  If they had, they would know better than to trust anyone who claims to love children.

Seriously, children are the worst.

Take Nanny Nightmare, for instance.  Nanny Nightmare follows the formula without deviation and it’s hard not to feel that, if only Lauren (Erin Cahill) had watched a Lifetime movie or two, she could have avoided a lot of drama.  She would have known that her husband (Brady Smith) was being framed when she found pictures of his half-naked assistant on his phone.  She also would have known better than to trust her neighbor, Owen (Jake Manley), when he said that he loved children.

But she did trust him and, before you know it, Owen is installing spy cameras all over the house and trying to trick Lauren into falling in love with him.  Owen has finally found a family and he’s determined to never let them go!  (Hell. he’s even get a candle-lit altar that’s decorated with pictures of Lauren.  That’s determination.)

As I said, it’s pretty much a standard Lifetime movie but I did like Jake Manley’s performance as Owen.  I liked the fact that Owen was obviously psychotic and yet, no one seemed to notice.  Even when he attacks the neighbor’s lawn mower with a baseball bat, no one seems to be particularly perturbed.  Then again, isn’t that the way things usually work in real life?  If you have to choose between asking someone if they’re crazy or just trying to ignore the weirdness all around you, most people will go for the latter option.

That’s one reason to keep an eye out for evidence of a psychotic disposition before you invite someone to come live in your house.  Seriously, if anyone says that they enjoy being around children, get out of there.

Thank you, Lifetime, for reminding us to stay vigilant.