Congratulations! You survived Friday the 13th!

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Congratulations!

Depending on where you live, Friday the 13th is either over or nearly over! And, if you’re reading this, you survived!!!!!

Obviously, you listened to Crazy Ralph and you did not have sex, smoke weed, skinny dip, go out at night, take a boat trip to Manhattan, go into space, go to sleep, go out for firewood, ask any strange people if they needed help, go looking for your friends, strip down to your underwear so you could go run around in the rain, or have any fun whatsoever!

In other words, today was a boring day for you! But you survived!

In honor of your survival, here’s the end theme from Friday the 13th. This was composed by Harry Manfredini and, believe it or not, it’s actually a rather beautiful piece of music. So, celebrate your survival by listening.

And be prepared to make up for lost time on Saturday the 14th! Be bad…be very bad….

Here’s The Trailer For Incarnate!

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Can someone please write another great role for Aaron Eckhart? He’s such a good actor but it seems like whenever he actually gets to star in a movie, he ends up in stuff like I, Frankenstein.

Just judging from the trailer below, Incarnate might actually be worse than I, Frankenstein. Time will tell!

(Then again, Incarnate is coming out in September so who knows? Maybe it’s going to be an Oscar contender…)

(No, it’s not.)

(But it could be…)

(But it won’t.)

The World’s Ending Again! Here’s The Trailer For Into The Forest!

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s interesting how many post-apocalyptic films have been released over the past few years. People really do seem to be convinced that the world is on the verge of ending and who knows? Maybe it is!

Oh well. It has to end sometime, right?

Anyway, here’s the trailer for Into The Forest. Ellen Page and Evan Rachel Wood play sisters who live in a house that’s on the edge of the forest. When the world ends, they go into the forest and make a deal with Meryl Streep and … oh wait, that’s Into The Woods.

Okay, so there’s no Meryl Streep and that might actually be a good thing. Both Ellen Page and Evan Rachel Wood are excellent actresses and they deserve a chance to shine. Fortunately, Into The Forest is also a Canadian film and our longtime readers know how much I love the nation that gave us Degrassi.

So, prepare for the world to end with Into The Forest!

Please Remember To Breathe While Watching The Trailer For Don’t Breath…

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

When I first read that Don’t Breathe caused quite a stir at SXSW earlier this year, I have to admit that I was a bit skeptical. Trust me for I am from Texas and I have spent a lot of time in Austin and I know of what I speak: it’s not that hard to create a stir in Austin. In fact, the main appeal of Austin is that practically everything leads to a stir.

But then I watched the trailer and wow, is it intense! The film tells the story of three teenagers who make the mistake of attempting to rob a blind man. The blind man is played by Stephen Lang and, considering that his character was one of the worst things about Avatar, it’s kind of nice to see that Lang may have finally gotten a role worthy of his menacing talent.

Here’s the trailer:

Dance Scenes That I Love: Crispin Glover in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As proof that any movie — regardless of genre, storyline, or budget — has room for a dance number, check out this dance scene that I love from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter!

Here’s hoping that everyone’s having a wonderful Crazy Ralph Day!

In Memory of Crazy Ralph

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today is Friday the 13th, which is basically an unofficial holiday. But you know what? Instead of celebrating Jason Voorhees today, maybe we should celebrate Crazy Ralph. For countless years, Crazy Old Ralph warned everyone, “You’re doomed!” He told them that Camp Crystal Lake had a death curse. He warned them that Jason was still out there…

And nobody listened to Ralph. People accused Ralph of being drunk. (Of course, he was.) They called him crazy. (Of course, he was.) The police harassed him. The local truckers laughed at him. The waitresses in the diner all said, “Oh, that’s just old Ralph being crazy and drunk!” The camp counselors ignored him.

But you know what?

Crazy Old Ralph was right!

Sadly, Ralph wasn’t that smart or maybe he was just too drunk and/or crazy to take his own advice because, for some reason, he always seemed to be hanging out around Camp Crystal Lake. Sure, maybe he was just coming by to remind everyone that they were doomed and, if that’s the case, that was nice of him to do.

But actually, I think Ralph’s motives were a little more icky. After all, Ralph did die while hiding behind a tree and spying on Ginny and Paul…

But fear not! The actor who played Ralph survived. Walt Gorney was mostly a stage actor. He appeared in a handful of films and he typically played characters with names like “Homeless guy” and “Drunk man.” According to the book Crystal Lake Memories, Gorney was a nice man and a dedicated actor who insisted on “staying in character” whenever he played Crazy Old Ralph.

Ralph may have died by Gorney was invited back to provide the opening narration for Friday The 13th Part VII: The New Blood.

So, on this Friday the 13th, let’s all take a moment to remember Crazy Old Ralph and the actor who brought him to life, Walt Gorney!

Happy Ralph Day!

Here’s The Trailer For Assassin’s Creed!

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s the trailer for Assassin’s Creed!

I know next to nothing about the game that this film is based on, beyond what I’ve seen in commercials. (Apparently, it involves a lot of building jumping.) But the trailer features Michael Fassbender, looking all intense and haunted and sexy and that’s a good thing!

Here’s The Trailer For Inferno!

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Remember when the Da Vinci Code came out and every toadsucker in the world suddenly thought they were an expert on both art history and Catholic theology?

“The Magdalene was actually the beloved disciple and, by having Jesus’s children, she gave birth the French royal family blah blah blah blah blah..”

Yeah, everyone wants to deny it now and pretend like they were too smart to fall for Dan Brown’s BS but, just ten years ago, Da Vinci Code was a big deal. I never had much use for it because, as an art history major, it was obvious to me that Dan Brown didn’t know a damn thing about Leonardo Da Vinci or The Last Supper.

Anyway, Ron Howard, Dan Brown, and Tom Hanks are all back with Inferno! Inferno is going to suck but here’s the trailer anyway:

My advise is that you skip Ron Howard’s Inferno and instead, watch Dario Argento’s!

Dario Argento’s Inferno — now, that’s a good movie!

Here’s The Trailer For Ang Lee’s Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk!

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

When I originally heard that Ang Lee’s new film was going to be called Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, I was super excited because I assumed it was a baseball film and my sister loves baseball and I’m kind of obsessed with finding movies for my sister to not only watch but to enjoy watching as well!

(If I love you, that means I’m going to obsessively try to find a movie that you’ll love as much as I love Upstream Color.)

However, as I expressed my excitement to the TSL’s own Jedadiah Leland, he mentioned to me that apparently halftime is a football thing.

So, this is not a baseball film! In fact, judging from the trailer, it’s not much a football movie either. Instead, it’s a war film. Or at least, it’s kind of a war film. Apparently, it’s also a coming home film. Judging from the flag that appears in the background of one of the scenes, it’s also a Texas film. That can be either good or bad. Movies never get my home state right, especially when those movies are attempting to make some sort of statement about American foreign policy.

(Seriously, Hollywood: Oregon has its share of jingoistic assholes as well. Go make a movie about those jerks, for once.)

But — and here’s the reason why I am optimistic — Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk was directed by Ang Lee, who is one of my favorite directors!

In fact, Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk is being described, by some, as the film for which Lee may finally pick up an Oscar for best picture. (He has two Oscars for directing but none of his films have ever won the big prize. Adding insult to injury, one of them actually lost to fucking Crash.)

Anyway, I kinda lost my train of thought so, instead of going on and on, I’ll just post the trailer for Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk.

(Damn, that’s a long title…)

The New Trailer For The Neon Demon Really Puts The Red Into Red Band!

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This new trailer for The Neon Demon really puts the red into red band!

Okay, I’m not sure what that means but it sounds nice and clickbaity so I’ll go with it. Anyway, The Neon Demon is the latest film from Nicolas Winding Refn. Refn, of course, is still beloved around these parts for directing Drive…

….which, come to think of it, is a film that I oddly have no desire to sit through again.

Isn’t it funny how that happens sometimes? You see a film and you know it’s great but, whenever you have a second chance to watch it, you’re just like, “Hmmm…no, once was enough.”

Will I want to rewatch The Neon Demon? I have no idea but Jena Malone is one of my favorite actresses and Elle Fanning was heartbreakingly good in Somewhere. There are a few moments in the trailer that made me think of both Maps to the Stars and Lost River (and that’s not a good thing) but then there were other moments that made me think of Under The Skin (and that is a good thing!)

Anyway, this trailer is NSFW so watch it from the safety of your own car…