As I try to put into words my reaction to the new film Dream House, one phrase comes to mind:

Bleh.

Dream House is about this guy played by Daniel Craig who we’re told, at the start of the film, is a writer.  He’s moved out to his “Dream House” out in the middle of one of those cinematic suburban communities.  He shares his dream house with his wife Libby (Rachel Weisz) and his two little girls.  However, things aren’t quite what they seem.  The girls keep seeing a shadowy figure watching them.  Teenagers keep performing Satanic rituals in the basement.  Craig’s neighbor looks just like Naomi Watts.  Oh no!  Has he been sucked into Mulholland Drive!?

No, not quite.  Instead, he’s just found himself trapped in a painfully slow movie that takes itself and it’s half-baked plot way too seriously.  This film is being advertised as if it’s a horror movie but there’s nothing scary about it and it’s almost as if the film itself is refusing to lower itself to providing us with any “cheap” thrills.  The film instead is a mystery but it’s one of those mysteries where we discover the solution not through any artfully placed clues but instead by random characters showing up and having flashbacks.

There’s a big twist about 80 minutes into this 99 minute film and, as a reviewer, I know that it would not be right for me to spoil that twist.  Fortunately, however, Morgan Creek Productions decided to include that twist in the film’s trailer so, if you want to know, here you go:

Again, it takes this film 80 minutes to reach the twist that the trailer reveals after 1 minutes and 17 seconds.  So, as a result, you spend the first 80 minutes going, “Okay, we know…”  Once the twist is revealed, there’s only 18 minutes to wrap up the film’s plot and this is done in the clumsiest way imaginable.

Now, one reason for this might be that the film’s producers reportedly clashed with director Jim Sheridan and eventually took the film away from him.  Sheridan, Craig, and Watts have all refused to do any promotion for the film and have publicly stated that they hate the version that has been released.  I don’t know.  My natural impulse has always been to side with the artists as opposed to the corporate people.  After all, we’ve all heard about what happened to Erich Von Stroheim’s original cut of Greed and about what Terry Gilliam went through with Brazil.  Still, it’s hard to look at the assembled footage and see any hint that this film could have been anything more than the film that’s currently playing at your local theater.

When I told Arleigh about my feelings towards Dream House, he asked me if I felt it was the “worst one of the year.”  I wouldn’t go quite that far.  Dream House is forgettable but it’s not as pompous as The Conspirator or as insulting as Straw Dogs.

No, Dream House is not the worst.

It’s just bleh.