Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Baby On Board, which aired on CBS in 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we have a sitcom about two terrible parents.

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by David Steinberg, originally aired on July 12th, 1988)

George (Lawrence Pressman) and Sally (Jane Galloway) are a married couple in their 40s.  They are also parents to 9 month-old Abigail and they’re still struggling to adapt to life with a baby.  Sally is annoyed because George pretends to be asleep whenever Abigail cries and that George gives the baby food-related nicknames.

“How is she going to feel when she sees you eating a cupcake!?” Sally wails.

George starts to call Abigail “anchovy” because that’s something that he will never eat.

Sally’s mother (Joan Copeland) sometimes comes by so that she can complain about George and talk about how Sally waited too long to have a baby.  (“If you had the baby when you were supposed to, she’d be in college now!”)  George’s father (Larry Haines) also comes by, mostly so he can argue with Sally’s mother.

George and Sally have tickets for a wonderful beach vacation.  But who is going to look after Abigail while they’re gone?  Obviously, the in-laws are not an option.  They decide to hire a babysitter.  At first, George is nervous about leaving Abigail with a stranger but then Lauri the Babysitter shows up and she’s played by a very young Teri Hatcher.  George suddenly decides that he’s now okay with leaving Abigail but suddenly, Sally doesn’t want to go on vacation.  I guess they would rather stay home with the younger woman that her husband is obviously attracted to.  Sally especially gets upset when the cheery Lauri suggests that Sally try out some yoga positions to release stress.  “Is your mother younger than me!?”  Sally demands.

None of this is particularly funny but don’t tell that to the laugh track.  This episode had one of the loudest and most intrusive laugh tracks that I’ve ever heard but pretending that everyone laughed at an unfunny line doesn’t make the line any funnier.  It just emphasizes that everything about the show is fake.

George and Sally do eventually decide to take their vacation.  George’s father shows up to watch the house so that Lauri can spend her time watching the baby.  “Watch how you dress,” George tells Luari, “because my father has a heart condition.”  (Lauri’s outfit is pretty modest so I’m not sure what type of Victorian society George’s father grew up in.)  Then Sally’s mother shows up and throws a fit over George’s father being asked but not her.  Finally, George grabs Abigail and takes her on vacation with them.  But I noticed that George and Sally didn’t bother to pack any baby stuff so good luck with that.

Baby on Board was obviously inspired by the idea that everyone loves a cute baby.  This episode, though, made me feel bad for the baby.  I mean, what a terrible family!  Needless to say, this was the show’s only episode.

Next week — I will start reviewing Malibu CA, a show that actually lasted more than one episode!