The Films of 2024: Madame Web (dir by S.J. Clarkson)

Posted on May 14, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a paramedic in New York City. Haunted by the fact that her mother died while giving birth to her while looking for a special spider in Peru (and I cannot believe that I just wrote that), Cassie struggles with showing her emotions and opening up to people. In fact, her only friend appears to be her fellow paramedic, Ben Parker (Adam Scott). Ben’s sister-in-law is pregnant and Cassie tells him, “You’ll be a great uncle, Ben.”

After a near-death experience, Cassie discovers that she has the ability to see into the future. She also discovers that a strange man named Ezekiel (Tahar Rahim) wants to kill three teenage girls, Mattie (Celeste O’Connor), Anya (Isabela Merced), and Julia (Sydney Sweeney). Cassie does what anyone would do. She kidnaps the three girls to keep them safe and then hops on a plane to Peru to find out how Ezekiel is connected to her mother’s death.

Madame Web is the latest entry in Sony’s Spider-Man Universe. Because Sony has the rights to Spider-Man, all of the MCU films featuring Spider-Man have been co-productions with Columbia Pictures and have been distributed by Sony. With Spider-Man emerging as one of the few characters to remain a strong box office draw for Marvel, Columbia has produced a series of Spider-Man-adjacent films that feature characters who have appeared in Spider-Man-related media. While Marvel and Disney have Tom Holland swinging his way through New York, Sony has to settle for Adam Scott and Dakota Johnson in an ambulance.

I always assume that the folks at Marvel and Disney probably groan a little whenever they hear that a new Sony film is coming out. The MCU Spider-Man films have been consistently strong, with all three of them proving popular with both audiences and critics. The Sony Spider-Man films, on the other hand, often seem like throwbacks to the bad old days of the early aughts, when most comic book films were still cheap and kind of embarrassing. Madame Web doesn’t do much to change this perception. In fact, the film is even set in 2003, complete with a Blockbuster Video store prominently featured in one scene, Britney Spears’s Toxic playing in a roadside diner, and a totally random reference to American Idol. (What’s funny is that the jokey reference to American Idol would really only work if the show were no longer on the air but actually, it’s still airing on CBS. No one ever seems to notice anymore but it’s still there. If the movie really had any guts, it would have had Dakota Johnson says that she was going home to watch Paradise Hotel.)

Slow-paced and featuring some of the most awkward line readings this side of a community theater production of Bus Stop, Madame Web is not a particularly engaging film. After a truly abysmal prologue set in Peru, the film spends about half-an-hour giving us a tour of Cassie’s not particularly interesting life as a tough New York paramedic before finally getting started on the main story. And even then, the film leaves the viewer feeling cheated because none of three girls — who we are told are all destined to become super heroes — actually become super powered over the course of the film. The film basically says, “They’re all going to be Spiderwoman …. BUT NOT TODAY!” The problem with that approach is that it’s hard not to feel that the only interesting thing about the three girls is that they’re eventually going to have super powers. Without the powers, they’re just kind of boring. Cassie is the only one who has a super power but being able to see three minutes into the future isn’t that much of a power. Dakota Johnson and the rest of the cast all seem to be bored out of their minds and who can blame them?

The main problem with Madame Web is that it’s just not much fun. The best super hero films are fun to watch. That goes for the Marvel films, the DC films, and even the Sony films. (Admit it, the first Venom was kind of fun.) Even with The Dark Knight films, Christopher Nolan understood that the villains had to be flamboyant to make up for Christian Bale’s rather dour Batman. In this film, we’re never quite sure what Ezekiel wants or even who he is. He’s just a random evil guy and not a particularly memorable one. Madame Web does make some attempts at humor but the sitcom-style jokes are negated by Dakota Johnson’s flat delivery. (Oddly enough, sitcom veteran Adam Scott is stuck playing a serious character.) Overall, there’s an overwhelming blandness to Madame Web. It doesn’t engage,. It doesn’t thrill. It doesn’t make you cheer or even jeer. It’s just kind of there.

The film sets up a sequel but, judging from how the film did at the box office and how not even the film’s cast has pretended to be happy with how the film turned out, I’d expect to see Morbius 2 before another installment of Madame Web.

Parallel Lives (1994, directed by Linda Yellen)

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

A large group of people gather together one weekend for a fraternity/sorority reunion. Since college, some of them have become rich and powerful. Some of them are now famous. Some of them are now seedy and disreputable. They all have college memories, though there’s such a wide variety of age groups represented that it’s hard to believe that any of them actually went to college together. After the men spend the day playing practical jokes and touch football and the women spend the night talking about their hopes and dreams, they wake up the next morning to discover the someone has murdered Treat Williams. A pony-tailed sheriff (Robert Wagner) shows up to question everyone.

Parallel Lives was made for Showtime with the help of the Sundance Institute. Today, it’s a forgotten film but, for some reason, it was very popular with American Airlines during the summer of 1997. That summer, when I flew to the UK, Parallel Lives was one of the movies that we were shown. (It was the second feature. The first feature was Down Periscope, a submarine comedy starring Kelsey Grammar. Fourteen year-old me enjoyed Down Periscope but, in retrospect, it wasn’t much of a flight.) A month and a half later, when I flew back to the U.S., Parallel Lives was again one of the films shown on the flight! For that reason, I may be the only person on the planet who has not forgotten that a film called Parallel Lives exists.

Parallel Lives, I later learned, was an entirely improvised film. The huge cast were all given their characters and a brief outline of the film’s story and they were then allowed to come up with their own dialogue. Unfortunately, no one did a very good job of it and the men were reduced to bro-ing it up while the women spent most of the movie having extended group therapy. The story doesn’t add up too much and, even when I rewatched it from an adult’s perspective, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to get out of everyone talking about how different the real world was from college. Technically, the film’s a murder mystery but you can’t improvise a successful murder mystery. This film proves that point.

Of course, it doesn’t help that there are 26 characters, all trying to get a word in at the same time. Some of the roles don’t make much sense. Dudley Moore shows up, playing an imaginary friend. (How do you improvise being a figment of someone’s imagination?) James Brolin introduces himself to everyone as being, “Professor Doctor Spencer Jones” and that appears to be as far as he got with his improv. Ben Gazzara is a gambler and Mira Sorvino is the prostitute that he brings to the reunion while Mira’s father, Paul Sorvino, moons the camera several times. Jack Klugman is a senator with Alzheimer’s and Patricia Wettig is his daughter. The majority of the movie centers around Jim Belushi, playing a reporter and falling in love with JoBeth Williams. Liza Minnelli, Helen Slater, Levar Burton, Lindsay Crouse, Matthew Perry, Ally Sheedy, and Gena Rowlands all have small roles. How did so many talented people come together to make such a forgettable movie and why did American Airlines decide it was the movie to show people on their way to another country? That’s the true mystery of Parallel Lives.

Embracing the Melodrama Part II #118: The Kids Are All Right (dir by Lisa Cholodenko)

Posted on June 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Dare I admit to thinking that the 2010 best picture nominee The Kids Are All Right is overrated?

The Kids Are All Right tells the story of Nic (Annette Bening) and Jules (Julianne Moore), married lesbians in Los Angeles. The pragmatic Nic is an obstetrician while the more flighty Jules has a landscaping business. They also have two children, Laser (Josh Hutcherson) and Joni (Mia Wasikowska). When Laser and Joni decide to track down their anonymous sperm donor father, the trail leads to Paul (Mark Ruffalo), who owns an organic restaurant. (Of course, he does…) After Paul meets Nic and Jules, he eventually ends up having an affair with Jules, which threatens the family’s stability.

It’s been five years since the film first came out and, as a result, I think it’s easy to forgot what a big deal The Kids Are All Right was back in 2010. It got a lot of attention for being both a film about a lesbian couple and a box office success. To a certain extent, every LGBT-themed film to come out since owes a debt of gratitude to The Kids Are All Right for proving that audiences are willing to see films with LGBT characters. As well, the film’s box office success was an early sign of the growing support for the legalization of gay marriage. The Kids Are All Right can make a very valid claim to being a landmark film.

But, once you look past the film’s historic importance, it doesn’t hold up as well as you might hope. The performers are all good, especially Annette Bening. The film’s script also has a lot of good lines. However, it also has a lot of lines that feel just a little bit too glib and obvious. It’s not surprising that HBO considered turning The Kids Are All Right into a TV series because the entire movie really does feel like an above average episode of an hourly drama. Lisa Cholodenko’s visually flat direction also feels more appropriate for television than for the big screen.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’d probably be more into The Kids Are All Right if the characters were a little less wealthy. If you can look past the fact that this is a movie about a happy lesbian marriage being threatened by a clueless straight guy, you discover that The Kids Are All Right is essentially just another movie about rich white people with problems.

I guess my problem with The Kids Are All Right can be summed up by the scene where Jules fires her Mexican gardener because she suspects that he’s seen her with Paul. The scene is largely played for laughs and, after the gardener has lost his job, he’s never seen again. At one point, Jules does say that she feels guilty for firing him but again, the scene is played for laughs. The film asks us to laugh with the rich white characters and to laugh at the one non-rich non-white.

The Kids Are All Right is a historically important film but that’s not necessarily the same thing as being a great film.