An Afternoon In Tornado Alley

Posted on April 4, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our more regular readers may know, I was born, raised, and still live in the part of the country known as Tornado Alley. Yesterday afternoon, we had about a thousand tornadoes all on the ground at once. Well, maybe not a thousand. More like six. But still, it was scary! I was at work in downtown Dallas when the storm began and I spent almost the entire afternoon in my boss’s office, watching the tornadoes on his TV while the building trembled with each crash of thunder. As soon as it was reported that one tornado had finally gone away, another one would suddenly be reported on the other side of town. As the hours passed, I heard about and saw footage of tornadoes ripping through towns like Arlington, Forney, Lancaster, and Mesquite and I found myself wondering how long it would be before they found my home in Richardson.

Fortunately, despite the six tornadoes, none of them hit downtown Dallas and, though they came way too close, they also missed us in Richardson. I did panic a bit when I first got home and I couldn’t find our cat Doc but eventually, he turned up hiding underneath Erin’s bed. He gets scared of thunder. My sister Melissa actually saw the tornado that hit Arlington but, thank goodness, it didn’t hit her house.

Anyway, this may stretch the definition of entertainment, but here’s a few Texas tornado videos that I’ve found on YouTube.

The video comes from outside of Forney, which is the town that was hit the hardest yesterday.

Here’s another one from outside Forney.

When the tornadoes first hit Forney, I was at work in downtown Dallas. My boss and I were in his office, watching the footage that is featured in this video. Essentially, a storm tracker named Jason was on the phone with our favorite local weatherman Larry Mowery and Jason suddenly starts going, “Oh my God, it’s hit the high school! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOODNESS! THE HUMANITY!” It was a bit like that famous audio of that reporter watching the Hindenburg explode. Anyway, a few minutes later, as can be seen in the video below, Jason calmed down (a little, at least) and let us all know that actually the tornado did not hit the high school.

This next video was shot by a guy named Vincent Tang who was apparently sitting on the roof of his home in Lancaster, Texas and filming the whole thing while it went on and, unfortunately, providing his own running commentary. I know that some people online love this guy’s commentary (mostly because he kind of prays at one point and pandering to God is always the easiest way to get lots of fans online — well, that and thong pics.) but I find it to be kind of annoying which is why I always mute it before I watch.

And seriously, why would you get on your roof in the middle of a tornado?

Finally, here’s the footage that everyone’s been talking about: one of the tornadoes hits a truck stop and sends a bunch of semi flying through the air. As scary as this footage might look right now, just imagine watching it while you’re sitting in a fourth floor office with warning sirens going off all around you. Agck!

Fortunately, we all survived and the sky is nice and clear today. As for me, I’m working on a new script: The Towering Tornado. I’m thinking either Jennifer Lawrence or maybe Aubrey O’Day can play me. It’ll be great!

Don’t Mess With Texas, Texters!

Posted on June 8, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Okay, quick warning: If you’re from Vermont, this post might upset your sensitive, crunchy gronola soul. So, I’m warning you now so you don’t have to waste your time getting all offended, spitting up your maple syrup all over your framed, autographed picture of Howard Dean, and leaving angry comments about the death penalty and Jerry Jones.

Anyway, I may have mentioned here that the American public is in desperate need of education when it comes to proper movie-going etiquette. Whether its people texting and talking during the movie (which, by the way, starts the minute the first trailer starts to play out on-screen), bringing their annoying, shrill-voiced little children to movies that clearly are not appropriate for them, hanging their smelly, ugly feet over the seat (and audience member) in front of them, or showing up late for a movie and loudly going, “Where do you want to sit?”, the American public seriously needs to learn how to go to the movies.

And, on the basis of this PSA, the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, Texas is exactly where those lessons need to be taught.

Amen!

The Regal Keystone Park 16, R.I.P.

Posted on October 23, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier this week, I discovered that, without warning, the Regal Keystone Park 16 had closed its door for good.

The Regal was not my favorite movie theater in the Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex. That honor would have to be jointly awarded to the Dallas and Plano Angelikas. In fact, if anything, the Regal was somewhat trashy. It was located right off of Central Expressway (which meant that traffic both entering and leaving theater was insane) and it sat directly across the street from a free clinic. Whenever I went to the Regal, I was always very much aware of the constantly patrolling police cars. There always seemed to be something dramatic happening at the apartments across the street from the theater.

Despite the police presence, I could always count on being accosted by one at least one homeless person. Most of the time they would just ask for money though other times they just wanted to tell me about who was actually in charge of the world. Most of the time, it seemed to be the Vatican. I would smile politely and hope they were too busy ranting to notice the St. Vitus medal around my neck.

One of the few times I actually made the mistake of going to the Regal by myself, I was greeted in the parking lot by a bearded, foul-smelling man who was about a foot taller than me and who outweighed me by over a hundred pounds. He started walking towards me as soon as I got out of my car and even though I quickened my pace, he quickly caught up to me. Walking less than a couple of inches behind me, he loudly asked me if I liked to perform a certain sexual act. He kept following me, asking me this all the way to the theater doors but he didn’t step inside the theater after me. The whole time this was going on, the parking lot was filled with other filmgoers who heard what the man asked and saw how quickly I was walking away from him. Not one of them said a word or, as far as I know, even called the police. That’s the type of theater that the Regal was.

(Incidentally, I called the police as soon as I got inside the theater. I’m not sure what happened exactly but the man wasn’t there when I left two hours later. The movie I saw, by the way, was Lakeview Terrace, starring Samuel L. Jackson.)

Still, I’m going to miss going to the Regal. For one thing, it was close to where I live now and it was close to where I lived previously. So, even if it was by default, it was kind of my theater. As trashy as the outside was, the inside was usually pretty clean. Plus, I went enough times that I got to know — at least on a visual level — most of the people who worked there. For instance, there was the elderly gentleman who — no matter what time of day I went to the Regal — always seemed to be working behind ticket table. Usually, he’d end up giving us tickets to the wrong movie but he seemed like a nice old man and he always had a smile ready for me whenever he saw me stepping through the front doors. I’m going to miss him.

No, the Regal wasn’t perfect but it’s a place where I spent a lot of hours and I’ve got a lot of memories of that place. To an extent, I’m not surprised that it closed its doors. It was, obviously, located in a terrible neighborhood and often times it did so little business that me and whoever I had come with would end up watching our movie in an empty theater. That’s good for those of us who like to have sex while watching movies but, as a question of simple economics, it’s not a formula for success. Still, I would have liked a chance to say goodbye.

On Friday, me and my sister Erin drove down to the old Regal, specifically to take some pictures for this little memorial. Unfortunately, no sooner had Erin take a few pictures before we were confronted by some fat asshole in a golf cart who wanted to know why we were taking pictures.

To be honest, I have issues with authority on a good day and Friday was not, at that point, a very good day. So, as Erin put the lens cap back on her camera, I sensibly replied, “I really don’t think that’s any of your fucking business.”

“Some people take pictures because they want to case a place before they rob it,” Mr. Fascist-On-A-Golf-Cart replied.

At this point, Erin had unlocked her car and was attempting to lead me over to it. However, as I retreated, I politely replied, “Your mother sucks cock in Hell, Karras.”

That shut the pig up. I’m still wondering if he realized I was merely quoting The Exorcist or if he thought maybe I actually was possessed.

Anyway, the pictures in this post were all taken by Erin Nicole Bowman on Friday and I thank her for both helping me pay tribute to the Angelika and for keeping me out of jail.

Here, in alphabetical order, is as complete a list as possible of every film I saw at the Regal Keystone Park 16, starting with Iron Man on June 10th, 2008 and ending with Secretariat on October 12th, 2010.

Adventureland

The American

An American Carol

The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond

The Blind Side

The Book of Eli

Brothers

Burn After Reading

Changeling

Clash of the Titans

The Crazies

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The Dark Knight

Despicable Me

Drag Me To Hell

Eat Pray Love

The Expendables

Everybody’s Fine

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Funny People

Get Him To The Greek

Get Low

The Happening

How To Train Your Dragon

The Informant!

Inglorious Basterds

Invictus

Iron Man

Iron Man 2

Lakeview Terrace

The Last Exorcism

Legion

Let Me In

The Losers

The Lovely Bones

Machete

The Men Who Stare At Goats

Ninja Assassin

The Other Guys

Paranormal Activity

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Public Enemies

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Robin Hood

Salt

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Secretariat

Sherlock Holmes

Shutter Island

Splice

Star Trek

Taken

The Town

Toy Story 3

Tropic Thunder

Twelve

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Wall-E

Watchmen

The Wolf Man

Zombieland

Regal Keystone Park 16, R.I.P.

6 Trailers For Labor Day

Posted on September 4, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Let’s celebrate Labor Day with the latest installment of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Exploitation Trailers.

1) Graveyard Shift — This is a Canadian film from 1986. Ever since I first saw it on DVD last year, this has been one of my favorite vampire films. It’s an atmospheric, strangely well-acted film that is just trashy enough to remain interesting.

2) Panorama Blue — I’ve never seen this movie and apparently, it’s a lost film of some sort. The trailer can be found on one of the 42nd Street Forever compilation DVDs. Apparently, this is some sort of pornographic epic. I just enjoy the trailer even though I wouldn’t be caught dead on a roller coaster. (They’re scary!)

3) Zombi 3 — This film is credited to Lucio Fulci but he actually only directed about 60% of it before he was fired and replaced by Bruno Mattei. This trailer deserves some sort of award because it manages to make an amazingly boring film look exciting and almost fun.

4) Rolling Thunder — Another film that I’ve never seen (and another trailer that I first found on a 42nd Street compilation). This is an effectively moody trailer. As a Texan, I also like the fact that Rolling Thunder apparently not only takes place in Texas but was also actually shot there with actual Texans in the cast. And I love the ominous yet casual way that Tommy Lee Jones delivers the “I’ll get my gear,” line.

5) Angel — This is a trailer from the early 80s. This is another one of those trailers that I love because it’s just so shamelessly sordid and trashy.

6) Hitch-Hike — Okay, quick warning — this trailer is explicit. Not as explicit as many grindhouse trailers but it’s still explicit enough that some people might find it objectionable. It’s certainly not safe for work though why are you visiting this site from work anyway?

However, all that taken into account, it’s still a very good trailer for a very good movie, 1977’s Hitch-Hike. Not only is it a nicely cynical little thriller, but it features not only another iconic psycho performance from David Hess but also a brilliant lead performance from Franco Nero. I will also admit right now that if I ever got my hands on a time machine, the first thing I would do would be go back to 1977 and give Franco Nero a hummer. Seriously.

Okay, I’ve said too much. Just watch the trailer and enjoy one of Ennio Morricone’s best scores.

The Kids Are Not All Right: 6 More Trailers That I Love

Posted on August 15, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Continuing my ongoing survey of classic exploitation and grindhouse film trailers, here’s six more.

1) Simon, King of the Witches — I’ve never seen this film but I caught this trailer on one of the 42nd Street compilation DVDs. It doesn’t really make me want to see the film but I love the trailer because it is just so totally and utterly shameless. Seriously, could this thing be more early 70s? As well, I’ve always wondered — would witches actually have a king? I mean, seriously, get with the times.

The film, by the way, stars Andrew Prine who apparently had a really promising film career until his girlfriend, Karyn Kupicent, died mysteriously in 1964. A lot of people believed that Prine killed her though he always denied any guilt and there’s really no evidence to connect him to the crime. Interestingly, even more people seem to think that Kupicent was murdered because she knew something about John F. Kennedy’s assassination. Finally, true crime author Steve Hodel has suggested that Kupicent was actually murdered by his father, Dr. George Hodel. (Steve also claims that George was the Black Dahlia killer, the Zodiac killer, Chicago’s lipstick killer, and that George was responsible for just about every unsolved murder in history. Oedipus much?)

2) The Town That Dreaded Sundown — Though I didn’t consider this while selecting this trailer, this is another film that features the unfortunate Robert Prine. I’ve seen this film exactly one time when it showed up on late night television once. Unfortunately, considering that it was 4 in the morning and the movie was obviously heavily edited for television (not to mention that constant commercial interruptions), I didn’t really get to experience the film under ideal circumstances. As a result, I’ve been trying to track this movie down on DVD ever since. It’s not an easy film to find.

One of the reasons this movie fascinates me is because it’s not only based on a true unsolved crime but it actually follows the facts of the case fairly closely. In the late 40s, Texarkana was stalked by a masked gunman known as the Phantom Killer. The case was never solved and its gone on to become a bit of a local legend in the rural Southwest. Part of my interest in this case comes from the fact that I grew up in the rural Southwest. It’s the part of the country I know best and this film was actually filmed in the southwest as opposed to just an arid part of Canada. Interestingly enough, the Phantom Killer had a lot of similarities to the later Zodiac Killer. However, as far as I know, Steve Hodel has yet to accuse his father of haunting Texarkana.

The film itself was made by Charles B. Pierce, a filmmaker who was based in Arkansas and made several independent films in that state. Perhaps this explains why the trailer refers to “Texarkana, Arkansas” even though everyone knows that the only part of Texarkana that matters is the part that’s in Texas.

3) Nightmares in a Damaged Brain — This is one of the infamous “video nasties” (trust the English to not only ban movies but to come up with a stupid and annoying label for those movies). Like many of those films, this is a gory Italian film that seems to bathe in the sordid.

It’s also fairly difficult film to find. The DVD I own is actually a copy of the severely cut version that was eventually released in England, of all places.

(Another thing about the English — why is it that a culture that obsessively uses the word “cunt” in casual conversation seems so driven to distraction by a little fake blood? It’s as if someone told them that banning movies would somehow make up for the attempted genocide of Catholics in Northern Ireland.)

However, even in cut form, this is a disturbingly dark and frequently depressing film. Evil seemed to radiate through my entire apartment the whole time I was watching it and that atmosphere is captured in the movie’s trailer.

As a sidenote, the gore effects in this film are credited to Tom Savini. At the time of the film’s release, Savini announced that he actually had nothing to do with this movie.

4) To the Devil a Daughter — I recently read a biography of Christopher Lee in which he cited this movie, along with the original Whicker Man, as one of his personal favorites. It was also the film debut of Natassia Kinski, the daughter of Klaus Kinski. Considering Klaus’s reputation, the title is ironic.

5) Vampire Circus — This is another movie that I’ve never seen but I’ve heard great things about it. Supposedly, its one of the last great Hammer vampire films. Reportedly, it was controversial at the time of its release because it featured vampires attacking English children. (Which, if nothing else, at least prevented from growing up to kill little Irish children.) Seeing the trailer leaves me even more frustrated that it has yet to be released, in the States, on DVD.

6) Dr. Butcher, M.D. — This is actually a rather odd zombie/cannibal film hybrid from Italy. It was originally titled Zombie Holocaust but the American distributors retitled it Dr. Butcher. I love this trailer for much the same reason I love the Simon, King of the Witches trailer. It is just pure and shameless exploitation. Plus, it features some of the best moments of the great Donal O’Brien’s performance as the “title” character. I recently forced my sister Erin to watch Zombie Holocaust. Ever since, whenever I start to ramble too much, she simply looks at me and says, “Lisa’s annoying me. About to perform removal of vocal chords…” She actually does a fairly good impersonation. Consider this just more proof that the Grindhouse brings families closer together.

6 More Exploitation Film Trailers That I Love

Posted on July 31, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Back in May, I posted 6 old school exploitation trailers that I love. At the time, I said that even though I only posted 6 of them, I could have easily listed 666. While I don’t have the space to put up quite that many, here’s 6 more exploitation film trailers that I love.

1) A Black Veil For Lisa — There’s several things that I love about this trailer. I love the faux-noir narration. I love the teasing tone. I love the old school femme fatale attitude of lead actress Lucianna Paluzzi. But, to be honest, the main reason I love it is because it’s all about a redhead named Lisa. That and the line “Every man wants a Lisa…”

2) The Italian Stallion — This is the trailer for the re-release of Sylvester Stallone’s porn debut, A Party At Kitty and Stud’s. I’ve never seen the movie nor do I have much desire to see it but this trailer just amused me to no end. Whether its the awesomely phony line readings of Gail Palmer or the catchy and empty theme song, this trailer feels like a genuine time capsule.

3) The House On The Edge of the Park — Speaking of catchy but empty theme songs, Ruggero Deodato’s The House on the Edge of the Park features my personal favorite, Riz Ortolani’s infamous Do It To Me (Once More). It can be heard at the end of this trailer and once it gets stuck in your head, it’ll stay there forever. As for the trailer itself, it’s a perfect example of how a well-edited trailer can actually make a somewhat draggy film seem exciting (that said, this movie is one of my all-time guilty pleasures, as misogynistic and wrong-headed as it ultimately is). A few things I love about this trailer — the blue-tinted views of New York City, David Hess’s iconic psycho performance, the sight of my man Giovanni Lombardo Radice dancing, and the fact that the trailer actually manages to 1) get the movie’s name wrong and that 2) nobody ever bothered to fix it.

(Author’s note: Whoops! Before you watch this, I have to admit that I’d forgotten just how explicit, violent, and exploitive this trailer really is. So, consider this to be definitely NSFW — not that you should be watching any of these trailers at work, to begin with — and seriously, no joke, don’t watch this trailer if you are easily upset or offended. Honestly, if I saw this trailer without having any knowledge of how silly the actual movie really is, I would probably find this trailer to be deeply offensive. Well, no, actually, I probably wouldn’t. For the most part, I’m only offended by things that happen offscreen in the real world. — Lisa Marie Bowman)

4) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre — Yes, I know everyone’s probably seen this trailer a hundred times but it’s still probably one of the best and most effective trailers of all time. Plus, I’m from Texas so you know I had to mention this movie at some point. (I may have mentioned this in the past, but seriously — try to imagine this movie being as effective if it was called The Vermont Chainsaw Massacre.)

5) Mindwarp (a.k.a. Galaxy of Terror) — I’ve been eagerly awaiting the chance to buy this film on DVD ever since seeing this trailer on the latest 42nd Street Forever compilation. Rumor has it that this film was actually directed by James Cameron, back when he was still interesting. Supposedly, this film features a very aggressive tentacle but, to be honest, I mostly just want to see Sid Haig’s arm get cut off. (Seriously, who doesn’t? Take that, Capt. Spaulding!)

6) Stage Fright — This is the wonderfully intense and claustrophobic trailer to the great Michele Soavi’s 1st film, Stage Fright, a movie I’m going to watch as soon as I finish up this post. So, with no further delay…

Paranormal Activity 2: Too Scary For Texas

Posted on July 1, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

According to Variety, Cinemark has pulled the trailer for Paranormal Activity 2 from several theaters in my homestate of Texas because, apparently, filmgoers (the majority of whom were apparently in the theater to see Twilight: Eclipse) complained that it was too frightening.

Uhmmm….right.

I’ve seen the trailer for Paranormal Activity 2 online and, to be honest, the scariest thing about it is that it confirms that a sequel was actually made to Paranormal Activity One.

(As a sidenote, the PA 2 trailer recycles the old footage of viewers supposedly jumping in fright while watching the first film. I always wondered just who exactly these idiots were and whether or not they’d ever actually seen a movie before.)

This whole thing seems to be an old-fashioned publicity stunt designed to create word-of-mouth among the type of people who probably think that the obnoxious filmmakers in Cannibal Holocaust actually were eaten by cannibals at the end of the movie.

It’s especially interesting that these complaints supposedly came from Texas. I suppose that’s going to be the new advertising angle — Paranormal Activity 2: The Movie So Scary That Even Texans Are Afraid To Watch. I imagine that now filmgoers are supposed to say, “Wow, it’s got to be scary! I mean, we expect that sort of cowardly behavior from those new age hippies in Vermont but these are cowboys here!”

(By the way, I’m from Texas and I’ve never worn a cowboy hat and I don’t own a horse. I do say “y’all” on occasion. Seriously though, FUCK VERMONT. Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that.)

I have to be honest, as much as I disliked the first Paranormal Activity, this publicity stunt has won the filmmakers a very small place in my heart. This is the type of shameless, silly stunt that would make the grindhouse proud. Hopefully, they’ll have a nurse present at all screenings of Paranormal Activity 3.

Anyway, if you think you can handle it, here’s the trailer that’s apparently too scary for Texas: