Last night, I forever lost 2 hours of my life because I watched the latest SyFy “original” film, Invasion Roswell, with my friends, the Snarkalecs.
Why Was I Watching It?
When I first heard the title of the latest SyFy film, I thought to myself, “Roswell!? I kinda remember that show!” However, I quickly realized that — other than taking place in New Mexico and featuring aliens — Invasion Roswell had nothing to do with Katherine Heigl’s old TV show.
Invasion Roswell was actually broadcast on Thursday night. As we’ve been doing ever since SyFy stopped showing original films on Saturday, the Snarkalecs dvred Invasion Roswell when it first premiered and then we actually watched (and live-tweeted) it on Saturday.
Why did we do this?
Because that’s what we do.
It’s an existential thing.
What Was It About?
This film was a combination Red and about every single alien invasion film that’s even been made. Aliens invade the Earth and naturally, they chose to destroy large parts of London and Paris (take that, Europe!), as well as Washington D.C. (take that, IRS!). It turns out that the only people who can defeat this threat are a bunch of old alien hunters who have been previously forced to retire by a random corporate guy in a suit.
So, while Patrick (Greg Evigan) and Linda (Denise Crosby) attempt to get the old gang of gun-wielding geezers back together again, the aliens continue to progressively conquer every inch of the planet.
(Except for Canada, of course. Canada’s tough!)
What Worked?
The aliens themselves were effective, especially when compared to some of the invaders who have populated previous SyFy films. Clad in black armor and firing blue laser beams, the aliens managed to be intimidating and campy at the same time.
The Snarkalecs managed to get Invasion Roswell trending on twitter during the entire two hours we spent watching it. It was fun to watch non-snarkalecs try to figure out why Invasion Roswell was trending. “Have we been invaded?!” one random dumbfug toadsucker tweeted. Seriously, some people are stupid.
What Did Not Work?
Invasion Roswell was literally one of the slowest movies that I have ever seen on SyFy. A typical SyFy film accomplishes more in 10 minutes than Invasion Roswell did in 85 minutes. Between the slow pace, the predictable storyline, and the uninteresting characters, there really weren’t many opportunities for Invasion Roswell to actually be entertaining.
As a result, my tweets suffered. Usually, I think I’m a pretty lively force when it comes to live-tweeting SyFy films but, when it came to Invasion Roswell, I found myself struggling to stay awake.
To put it another way, I thought Heebie Jeebies was bad until I saw Invasion Roswell.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
When I was little, my family very briefly lived in New Mexico. However, we were in Carlsbad and, as a result, I don’t think we ever met any aliens. Then again, we were citizens of New Mexico for only a few months so maybe we could have met some aliens if we had just stuck around long enough. I guess that’s just going to have to be one of life’s mysteries.
Otherwise, there were no “Oh my God! Just like me!” moments in Invasion Roswell. Maybe someday, when I’m as old as Denise Crosby, I’ll be able to relate to this film.
Lessons Learned
I can forgive a lot of things but I cannot forgive dullness.
So, I was recently talking to someone on twitter and he essentially said, “Nice blog but enough with Sharknado.” I have to say that I agreed with him. We do have a pretty nice blog here and Sharknado has been the overhyped, overrated film of 2013.
What’s distressing is that a lot of people think that Sharknado is the epitome of a good, silly SyFy film. By SyFy standards, Sharknado was nothing special. Certainly, it could in no way compare to previous SyFy films like 2-headed Shark Attack, End of the World and Flying Monkeys. The only thing that set Sharknado apart was the fact that it was watched by a bunch of celebs who proceeded to tweet some the lamest film commentary ever seen on twitter.
Myself, I’m much more looking forward to August 22nd of this year. That’s the day that Ghost Shark will premiere on SyFy. Not only was Ghost Shark directed by the great Griff Furst (director of such classic SyFy films as Arachnoquake and Swamp Shark) but, judging from the trailer below, Ghost Shark appears to deliver exactly what it promises: a shark that’s also ghost which eats a lot of fat people.
Today is the one-week anniversary of a historic social media event: the #SyFyDaysaster.
For the past year, I’ve been a proud member of a group of film lovers known as the Snarkalecs. Every Saturday, we would meet up via twitter and we would watch whatever film happened to be playing on the SyFy network. Every week, we would look forward to the chance to live tweet films with titles like Jersey Shore Shark Attack, Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo, Two-Headed Shark Attack, and Piranaconda. Often times, we would be joined by actors like Gerald Webb and directors like Griff Furst. One of my best memories remains the time that Greg Grunberg replied to one of my tweets while we were watching End of the World.
Incidentally, every time that the Snarkalecs would start to live tweet a movie on Saturday, that movie would soon start trending. As a result, other twitter users would have an incentive to change the station over to SyFy and see what everyone was talking about. By showing original movies on Saturday night, SyFy kept the Snarkalecs entertained and we, as a result, then helped SyFy get better ratings.
What could be more American than that?
However, a few months ago, the SyFy network announced that they would no longer be showing original movies on Saturday night. Instead, the movies moved to Thursday and Saturday night became about showcasing a rather forgettable show called Sinbad.
Unfortunately, Thursday is not a convenient night for many of the Snarkalecs. Some Snarkalecs have to be at work on Friday morning. Other Snarkalecs have family obligations during the week. As for me, Thursday doesn’t work because that’s when CBS airs the weekly eviction episode of Big Brother.
As a result, the Snarkalecs have found other things and other networks to watch on Saturday night and Sinbad hasn’t trended once.
Two Thursdays ago, the snarkalecs decided to make a point. As a group, we DVRed the SyFy original film, Independence Daysaster, off of the SyFy network. We then watched and live tweeted the film on Saturday night.
Within fifteen minutes, just as a result of a handful of Snarkalecs live tweeting the film, #SyfyDaysaster was the number one trending topic in the world. And it stayed at number one for the next two hours. And when the tweets started to show up from people wanting to know just why exactly #SyFyDaysaster was trending, we let them know that it was trending because it was a film that the SyFy Network could have been showing instead of broadcasting the latest episode of Sinbad.
As a result of our act of social media protest, for two hours, #SyFyDaysaster was an even more popular subject than Amanda Bynes calling Drake ugly.
As for Sinbad, it trended not once.
The fact of the matter is that people don’t love the SyFy Network because of shows like Sinbad. Instead, we love the SyFy network because SyFy gives us a chance to watch movies like Super Shark and Tasmanian Devils. By showing those movies, the SyFy network has given me a chance to meet and get to know people who I may not have ever met otherwise. SyFy Saturday movie nights introduced me to the snarkalecs and, for that, I will always be thankful.
Let me put it like this — if you tell me you watch Sinbad, I’ll smile politely. Ff you tell me that you love Jersey Shore Shark Attack, I’ll be your friend forever and I’ll probably end up making out with you depending on how much I’ve had to drink beforehand.
In short, I’m proud of us! I only hope that the SyFy network noticed and that they’ll reconsider their decision to make Saturday night all about Sinbad.
As for Independence Daysaster, it was actually something of a lesser SyFy film. A bunch of aliens invade Earth on the 4th of July. The President (played by Tom Everett Scott) teams up with a bunch of hackers to defeat them. It was all pretty predictable and, under any other circumstances, rather forgettable. Still, I will never forget the #SyFyDaysaster and I look forward to engaging in future acts of civil disobedience until, hopefully, the movies return to where they belong, back on Saturday night.
Here’s just a few of the tweets from #SyFyDaysaster:
On Saturday night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original movie, Battledogs. (Also watching was a mentally unstable moron from Buffalo, NY named Michael Conklin. But more about him later…)
Donna Voorhees (Ariana Richards) is a nature photographers who visits our friend to the north and gets bitten by a Canadian lycanthrope. When she returns to New York, she ends up transforming into a werewolf herself and manages to kill nearly everyone at JFK Airport. Everyone that she doesn’t kill is infected with the werewolf virus.
Donna and the rest of the infected are captured by the military. Under the watch of the sinister Lt. Gen. Monning (Dennis Haysbert), the infected are doped up with tranquilizers and left to aimlessly wander around a prison. With the help of a sympathetic major (Craig Sheffer) and a scientist (Kate Vernon), Donna and the rest of the infected escape the prison and soon New York is overrun by werewolves.
Meanwhile, the U.S. President (Bill Duke) spends a lot of time sitting out in the middle of Central Park and looking depressed…
What Worked?
Battledogs was produced by the Asylum. As soon as I saw the words “The Asylum Presents…” at the beginning of the opening credits, I knew that Battledogs was going to be a lot of fun.
Battledogs was surprisingly well-cast. While Craig Sheffer made for a dull hero, Dennis Haysbert was a great villain. Admittedly, he was one of those villains who spent the whole movie talking about his plans as opposed to actually carrying them out but, fortunately. Haysbert has a great voice. Haysbert turned Lt. Gen. Monning into a genuinely menacing character.
The scenes in which the tranquilized infected wander about in a daze had a nicely surreal feel to them. While watching them, I actually compared them to a similar scene from Jean Rollin’s Night of the Hunted. That’s probably going a bit too far but still, they were handled very well.
On a final note, Bill Duke plays perhaps the most ineffectual president in the history of ineffectual presidents. Speaking as someone who has little faith in governmental authority, I found Duke’s performance to be the most realistic part of the film.
What Did Not Work?
Oh, I suppose there are things I could complain about. I could point out that the film may have been set in New York but it was obviously (and I do mean obviously) filmed in Canada. (Actually, no, it was not! As Mike Conklin so politely points out in the comments below, Battledogs was filmed in Buffalo and yes, a look at the imdb does confirm that this film — despite seeming very Canadian, was indeed filmed in New York. I apologize for the careless error. — LMB) There were also a few plot holes that I could talk about if I felt like being nit-picky.
But you know what?
There is nobody worse than someone who would actually get nit-picky about an Asylum film. Asylum Films are made for audiences who have a sense of humor and their “flaws” are ultimately a very intentional part of the fun. The Asylum makes fast-paced, unpretentious films for people who want to be entertained for 90 minutes. You know what you’re going to get when you see “The Asylum” name and, unlike most major studio films, Asylum films can be counted on to deliver exactly what they promise. This film promised battle dogs and it delivered.
Therefore, the entire film worked.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
To be honest, despite featuring not one but two female leads, Battledogs was a pretty masculine film. The emphasis was definitely on people either shooting guns or beating each other up. That’s not necessarily a criticism because, if New York was overrun by werewolves, I imagine there was be a certain amount of societal breakdown. However, the fact of the matter is that I’m scared of guns and the only fights I’ve ever been in have involved a lot of hair-pulling and little else. As a result, there really weren’t any “Oh my God! Just like me!” moments in Battledogs.
That said, Ariana Richards’ character reminded me of my sister, the Dazzling Erin, because they’re both talented photographers.
Lessons Learned
Apparently, the best way to avoid being killed in a nuclear blast is to jump into the Hudson River right when the bomb goes off. In today’s unpredictable world, that’s a good thing to know.
Earlier tonight, the Snarkalecs and I watched the latest SyFy original film — Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo.
Why Were We Watching It?
It’s a little known fact but several of the Snarkalecs — including me — are either from or live in the great state of Texas. So, seriously — how could we not watch a SyFy film that takes place in San Antonio?
As well, Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo is just a brilliant title! Of course, with a great title comes great responsibility…
What Was It About?
It’s Cinco De Mayo in San Antonio and you know what the means! That’s right — thousands of chupacabras are coming across the border and killing all that they see. Can DEA agent Carlos (played by Erik Estrada) save both his children and the city of San Antonio? Carlos and a private army made up of bored DEA agents and gangbangers (who, we’re told, are “down for the hood”) end up locking themselves in the Alamo and making a last stand against the forces of goat sucking evil.
What Worked?
Like the best original SyFy films, Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo is the epitome of the type of film that’s fun to watch with a group of friends. The acting is over-the-top, the chupacabras are cute, and even the scenes were Estrada is obviously just sitting on a motorcycle in front of a green screen have an odd charm to them. The film had a definite telenovela feel to it and that’s always a good thing.
Even though the majority of the film was obviously shot somewhere other than San Antonio (I’m guessing Canada), I still enjoyed seeing stock footage of the Riverwalk.
(Seriously, I love the Riverwalk! While I’ve never lived in San Antonio, I’ve visited enough times that I have a lot of very good and very romantic memories of walking along the river.)
If any film called for Danny Trejo cameo, it was this one. Unfortunately, Trejo was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he’ll show up for the sequel…
It took about 90 minutes for Estrada and his private army to reach the Alamo and when they did, it turned out to be a totally fake Alamo. In all fairness, I can not imagine any circumstances that would have led to the Daughters of the Texas Republic agreeing to allow this film to be shot within the Alamo but, speaking as a Texan, I was disappointed at just how poorly this faux Alamo compared to the real thing.
(Also, unlike the rather flamboyant tour guide featured in this film, an actual Alamo tour guide would never wear a gigantic coonskin cap.)
On a related note, as much as I appreciated the fact that the film featured the Riverwalk, it was still hard not to feel that the filmmakers essentially shot about 5 minutes of footage in San Antonio before then going up to Canada to finish the rest of the film. As a result, the film featured a lot of people saying, “Remember the Alamo!” and random things in Spanish but ultimately, it did not feel like a Texas film at all.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
Like the characters in this film, I’m down for my hood.
Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched a SyFy original movie called Flying Monkeys.
Why Were We Watching It?
Because that’s what we do! Every Saturday night, the Snarkalecs get on twitter and watch a SyFy movie together. Add to that, the minute that we saw that the film was called Flying Monkeys, we knew we had to watch it and try to come up with as many bad monkey pun as possible.
What Was It About?
It all takes place in the little town of Gale, Kansas. (Named, I assume, after Dorothy Gale from The Wizard of Oz.) Joan (Maika Monroe) is upset because her dad is late to her high school graduation. So, Dad says sorry by buying her a pet monkey. He’s a cute little monkey and Joan names him Skippy.
What Joan and her Dad don’t realize is that Skippy is a demon monkey and, whenever the sun goes down, he sprouts wings, flies around the town, and kills people. Even worse, it turns out that every time somebody shoots Skippy, this causes Skippy to reproduce and multiply. Since everyone in the town of Gale shoots Skippy at least once or twice, there are soon hundreds of killer flying monkeys all over the place.
Luckily, two demon hunters from China manage to get to Kansas in record time but then … well, let’s just say that, as far as demon hunting is concerned, they were both definitely overrated.
What Worked?
As far as I’m concerned, almost the entire film worked. Seriously, how can you not enjoy something this ludicrous? The makers of Flying Monkeys knew exactly what they were doing and it looks like they had a good time doing it.
Plus, Skippy was so cute!
Seriously, how can you not love a film featuring a killer named Skippy?
What Did Not Work?
The film spent a lot of time building up these two demon hunters from China but, once they showed up, they both turned out to be pretty useless. I understand that was probably the point but still, it felt like the only reason they existed was to pad out the film’s running time.
“OH MY GOD! Just like me!” Moments
Towards the end of the film, Skippy attempts to attack Sonya (Electa Avellan, best known for being one of the Babysitter Twins in Grindhouse) in the shower and Sonya reacts by literally running all the way to the other side of town while clad only in a towel. At the time, we all pointed out how gratuitous this whole scene was.
After the movie ended, I took a nice, long, relaxing shower. It was only after I had stepped out of the shower and turned off the water that I realized 1) just how hard it was raining outside and 2) that I couldn’t remember if my car windows were open.
The idea of my car getting flooded so panicked me that, despite being clad in only a towel, I ran outside to make sure my windows were up. Long story short, my windows were closed, I got even more wet, and I learned that, sometimes, you just have to go outside wearing a towel.
Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original movie, End of the World. For the next two hours, we literally dominated twitter as we shared our mutual, nearly obsessive love for this film. Soon, #EndOfTheWorld was a trending topic and, I’m happy to say, that ended up freaking out a lot of paranoid people who weren’t watching SyFy.
All in all, it was a pretty good night.
Why Were We Watching It?
Because that’s what the Snarkalecs do. We watch movies on SyFy and we usually get all snarky about them. However, it was difficult to be snarky about End of the World because the people who made End of The World were obviously very snarky themselves.
What Was It About?
The world’s being bombarded by chunks of electromagnetic space debris. Or something like that. Really, the important thing to know is that the world’s about to end and it’s up to two video store clerks (played by two titans of nerdy adorability, Greg Grunberg and Neil Grayston) to save it. Their solution involves breaking a sci-fi writer named Doc Brown (Brad Dourif) out of a mental asylum and Greg Grunberg working on a nuclear missile with a power drill.
However, to be honest, the plot is just a distraction. The storyline is mostly used as an excuse to make clever references to nearly ever science fiction movie ever made. Some of the references are obvious and some of them are a bit more subtle but, ultimately, they are what this movie is truly about.
What Worked?
It all worked.
Seriously, End of the World is the best film that I’ve ever seen on SyFy. It was a film that was obviously made by genre fans for genre fans and, as a result, it felt like a belated Valentine’s Day present from the SyFy network to its viewers.
As I previously mentioned, the entire film is basically a collection of references and homages to other science fiction films. While this is a technique that I’ve found cloying when used by other films, End of the World struck exactly the right tone. The references were appreciative without over going overboard and, even more importantly, they were cleverly deployed throughout the film. They moved the film forward and seemed to grow organically out of the action onscreen. As a result, even with all the references, the film itself never felt heavy-handed.
Greg Grunberg is one of those great actors who can perfectly sell both comedy and drama. His talents were on perfect display last night. Perhaps the best Grunberg line of the night was, “It’s a monologue! MONO!”
Brad Dourif didn’t have a lot of screentime but seriously, he was just adorable.
Really, the whole film was just adorable.
What Did Not Work?
It all worked.
“Oh my God! Just Like me!” Moments
Much like the character of Selena (Caroline Cave), I think Greg Grunberg’s pretty awesome.
Lessons Learned
The geeks shall inherit the Earth (but only after the Redheads are finished with it).
Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the world premiere SyFy movie Heebie Jeebies! And wow — was it ever bad!
Seriously, how bad was Heebie Jeebies? It’s so bad that I couldn’t even find a trailer for it on YouTube. It’s as if the universe is trying to convince us that this film does not actually exist. However, we know what we saw last night.
(As proof, here’s a picture of Michael Badalucco, whose over-the-top performance as the gold-obsessed Billy Butler was one of the more commented upon aspects of the film.)
Why Were We Watching It?
That’s a question that many of us asked last night.
What Was It About?
Usually, low-budget monster movies on SyFy are a lot of fun but that’s because most low-budget monster movies on SyFy are made by the Asylum. Unfortunately, Heebie Jeebies was not an Asylum film.
Instead, it’s a film about this monster that comes out of a mine and wanders around attacking people and eating gold. You read that correctly. This monster kills people and then eats their gold. Will the town of Golderton survive?
What Worked?
Nothing.
What Did Not Work?
Everything.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
I found myself relating to poor Veronica (Evie Thompson), the younger sister of a character that I named Deputy Dumbass (Robert Belushi). All Veronica wanted to do was go out and have sex with her boyfriend but instead, she had to spend her entire night listening to her brother talk about how it wasn’t safe to go out just because of a little old monster that happened to be killing people. Even worse, once she finally did what I would have done and sneaked out of the house, she and her boyfriend (who was kinda fugly, to be honest) ended up getting held hostage by two ex-convicts.
Lessons Learned
Only the Asylum should be allowed to make low-budget monster movies.
Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original film, Abominable Snowman.
Why Were We Watching It?
That’s a question that many of us wondered as we sat through this film. Let’s just say that Abominable Snowman was no Tasmanian Devils.
What Was It About
This one’s just dumb. Two guys vanish in the Alps and then, 20 year later, one of the guy’s son goes looking for them and then he disappears too. So, the guy’s sister recruits a bunch of friends and they go looking for him and eventually, they all end up running into two abominable snowmen. That’s good because, otherwise, the title would have just been stupid.
What Worked?
The abominable snowmen were kinda cute and I found it interesting to observe the way that they seemed to either shrink or grow depending on the narrative demands of the film.
Allow me to repeat that: The entire freakin’ film did not work. Seriously. Not only did the film feature the most unlikable group of characters ever assembled for a SyFy film (even more unlikable than the semester-at-sea students from 2-Headed Shark Attack) but it then proceeded to kill them off in the blandest ways possible. There was not a single scene or death in Abominable Snowman that would have gotten more than a 1.5 on the Ohno Scale.
For the record, Abominable Snowman was not produced by the Asylum. If it has been, it probably would have been a lot more fun.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
There was really only one character in the film that I related to. That would be the local bartender who shows a lot of cleavage and has to deal with a drunk helicopter pilot constantly trying to look down her shirt. That’s as close as this film got to providing me with an “Oh my god! Just like me!” moment.
Lessons Learned
I refused to learn anything from Abominable Snowman.
Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original movie Tasmanian Devils. Who are the Snarkalecs? You can find out here.
Why Was I Watching It?
Seriously, yesterday was a weird, weird day. I don’t even know where to begin. In between the pervy guys who have been working on the roof of the house across the alley, and the woman in Georgia who keeps accusing me of having an affair with her husband (another long story that you can read all about here), I was seriously ready to just change my name to Diabla, stop washing my hair, stop wearing makeup, and just move to Vermont.
But, through it all, I took the strength for the knowledge that, at 8:00, there would be an original movie on SyFy and that I would be watching it with my friends, the Snarkalecs…
What’s It About?
I’ll tell you what it’s not about. It’s not about the spinning cartoon character who was always falling off cliffs and having safes dropped on his head. No, these Tasmanian devils are vicious killers but, at the same time, they’re also kinda cute and adorable in a chupacabra kind of way.
Anyway, Apolo Ohno and a bunch of his friends go to Tasmania. Apolo jumps off of a cliff, has some trouble with his parachute, and ends up plunging into a hidden cave and getting impaled on the world’s biggest stalagmite. Apolo hangs around for a bit, squirming like a bug and groaning despite the fact that he’s got a gigantic hole in chest. Seriously, Apolo must be invincible. Alas, his blood gets the attention of the Tasmanian devils and, in perhaps the defining scene of 2013, Apolo Ohno is literally ripped into little pieces on-screen.
There is a little bit more that happens in the film. Apolo’s friends end up running into a park ranger played by Danica McKellar and they soon all find themselves being stalked through the wilderness by the Tasmanian devils. However, for me, the film was pretty much about Apolo Ohno getting literally ripped into little pieces on-screen.
(Hopefully, the next two-headed shark film from the Asylum will feature a Michael Phelps cameo.)
Beyond that, Tasmanian Devils was actually a pretty good film. It was the epitome of a fun movie to watch with friends and director Zach Lipovsky actually managed to generate some genuine suspense. Even better, both Lipovsky and Danica McKellar dropped by twitter and interacted with the people commenting on the film. It’s always really nice whenever filmmakers do this.
On a personal note, I enjoyed Tasmanian Devils because it was filmed in Canada, a country that I am strangely obsessed with. As for the male snarkalecs, they seemed to largely enjoy Tasmanian Devils because of the low-cut top that Danica McKellar’s park ranger was wearing.
What Did Not Work?
It all worked. Life is too short to be critical of a film called Tasmanian Devils.
“OH MY GOD! Just like me!” Moments
Insert your own low-cut top/heaving boobs comment here.
Through the Shattered Lens 