Let’s Talk About Dam Sharks!

Posted on July 26, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, SyFy’s Shark Week continued with the premiere of Dam Sharks!

I watched it with my friends, the Snarkalecs, and we had a damn good time. Seriously, Dam Sharks is damn fun, damn entertaining, damn good, damn funny, damn gory, and pretty damn enjoyable. I’m damn glad we watched it, dammit!

I’m sure that we’ve all wondered what would happen if a bunch of sharks suddenly showed up in a river. Well, Dam Sharks provides us with an answer! Apparently, they would not only eat every human being that they came across but they would also use the left-over body parts to construct dams.

(Needless to say, by building their own dams, the sharks would also end up putting a lot of beavers out of work. If you’re wondering what happens when a beaver has nothing to constructive to devote itself to, I suggest checking out a film called Zombeavers.)

Now, if you’re asking yourself why a bunch of sharks would show up in a river and start building a dam out of human body parts … well, that means you’re not approaching this film correctly. Why it’s happening really isn’t that important. Blame it on global warming, if you must. Blame it on the military. Blame it on Big Evil Corporation. Blame it on whoever you want. The why is not important. What important is that, in this film, it’s happening. Sharks are in the river and they’re making dams. As my favorite character, Carl the anti-government survivalist (played by Robert Craighead), put it whenever anyone spent too much time wondering why the sharks were in the river, “It’s a long story.”

In fact, it’s such a long story that the film doesn’t have time to dwell on it. Especially not when so many people are hanging out around that shark-infested river…

Like many SyFy films, Dam Sharks borrows its structure from the disaster film genre. We meet various groups of people, we watch as they’re forced to deal with a sudden crisis (in this case, dam-building sharks), and we try to guess who will die and who will survive.

Now, of course, some of the people are obviously doomed. The guy in the boat who fishes with a gigantic hook that’s at the end of a chain? Oh, he’s so obviously dead. The hipsters trying to zipline over the river? No way they’re going to make it. The girl who strips down to her underwear so that she can dive off a rock? She’s not even going to reach the water before a shark gets her. That’s just the way it goes.

But others, we’re not so sure about. Much like Atomic Shark, Dam Sharks deserves a lot of credit for keeping the audience off-balance. There are a few characters who you assume will never die because they’re either too likeable or too funny. But, as we quickly learn, sharks don’t care if you’re funny or likable. They just want to eat you and add your leg to the dam.

As I mentioned earlier, my favorite character was Carl. He disliked almost everyone and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it. However, Carl was also the only character who I personally would want to help me if I found myself being attacked by river sharks. He knew what he was doing. Carl spends most of the movie with Kate (Jessica Blackmore) and, working together, they are a shark’s worst nightmare. Good for them.

Of course, Carl and Kate aren’t the only ones on the river. Tanner (Jason London) is a callous CEO, the type of boss who thinks that he’s the next Steve Jobs and simply can’t understand why nobody likes him. Tanner has ordered several of his employees to spend the weekend at the river. Over the course of the day, they will play paintball, they will practice archery, and they will take a raft out onto the river. Since you really can’t blame sharks for acting like sharks, Tanner is the closest thing that Dam Sharks has to an actual villain. Jason London, who was so good in Zombie Shark, is properly loathsome as the buffoonish Tanner.

As for Tanner’s employees, they’re a mixed bunch of characters. Some of them will survive the weekend. Quite a few of them most definitely will not. From the start, it’s obvious that Pullman (Matt Mercer) and Stella (Neka Zang) are the two that we’re supposed to care about the most. Both Mercer and Zang are well-selected for their roles. When they sit on a rock and hide out from the paintball game, their conversation briefly makes Dam Sharks about something deeper than just damn sharks. Mercer is especially effective when he talks about how little personal fulfillment he gets out of his job. You truly feel bad for him.

But really, the entire film is well-cast. From the stars to the most minor of characters, everyone gets a chance to make an impression. I have to give special mention to Eric Paul Erickson, who turned the buffoonish Kenny into a rather sweet and likable character. Among the actors playing the rest of Tanner’s employees, Kabby Borders, Saxon James, and Francis Gonzalez are especially well-cast and likable. Though the film itself encourages you not to take any of it too seriously, you still find yourself hoping that they all manage to survive.

If you’re a fan of SyFy movies, you’ll love Dam Sharks! And if you don’t like SyFy movies — well, that’s just a damn shame.

Kate and Carl searching for dam sharks.

(In an earlier version of this post, I accidentally misidentified both the character of Kate and the actress who played her. I apologize for the error! — LMB)

Let’s Talk About Atomic Shark!

Posted on July 25, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In case you missed it, it is currently Shark Week on the SyFy network. (Or, as theSnarkalecs and I like to call it, Snark Week!) Sharknado 4 will be premiering on Sunday and, in honor of that historic event, SyFy has devoted this week to broadcasting some of their trademark original movies. Along with showing such classics as Jersey Shore Shark Attack and Zombie Shark, SyFy is also premiering several new shark films.

The first of those films premiered last night. And its name was ….

ATOMIC SHARK!!!!

Seriously, that’s a great name! In a few of my Lifetime reviews, I’ve pointed out that there is an art to picking the perfect title for a Lifetime film. Well, the same is true for a SyFy film. A title like Atomic Shark tells the audience everything that they need to know. On the simplest level, it lets the viewers know that the film is about a shark and that the shark is, in some way, atomic. But even beyond that, a title like Atomic Shark announces, “This is going to be a fun movie! Sit back, relax, and don’t worry too much about the specifics. Just enjoy yourself.”

As I watched the movie last night, I saw a few people on twitter worrying about things like whether or not a shark could actually become atomic or whether the characters were acting like logical human beings. Those people were missing the entire point of the film. Seriously, you have to be the world’s biggest douchebag to actually nitpick a film that has a title like Atomic Shark.

The film takes place on the San Diego shoreline. At first, it seems like a normal (if rather overcast) day at the beach. Men in speedos. Women in bikinis. Lifeguards on duty. Jeff Fahey steering a motor boat and barely noticing when a water skier is suddenly devoured by a glowing shark. A kid pretending to drown, just so he can get some mouth-to-mouth.

And then there’s the drones. There are drones flying up and down this beach. The majority of them are lifeguard drones, which are used to deliver life vests to people drowning out in the middle of the ocean. However, there are also a few drones being controlled by pervy little Fletcher (David Faustino), who films unsuspecting swimmers and joggers and then uploads the video to his site. Even when confronted by an indignant lifeguard, Fletcher responds, “The beach is public domain!”

Well, the beach may be public domain but it’s about the become … atomic domain!

That’s right, there’s a glowing shark out there and it’s hungry! Not only is it eating people but, because it’s radioactive, it’s setting them on fire too! In fact, this shark is so radioactive that it’s causing sea food to become explosive. When the local restaurant blows up, the authorities blame it on a gas leak but we know it was because of the radioactive plankton.

(The film also lets us know that the restaurant had four stars on Yelp before the explosion and only three stars after.)

Unfortunately, only one person truly believes in the existence of atomic shark. Gina (Rachele Brooke Smith) is the greatest lifeguard who ever lived but, unfortunately, her superior, Reese (Adam Ambruso), is a dumbass jerk who doesn’t understand that workplace sexual harassment is no longer acceptable. Since Gina can’t get any support from the authorities, she gathers together her own group of shark hunters and, before you cay say, “We’re going to need a bigger boat,” they set out to destroy the atomic shark!

One of those shark hunters is the boat captain played by Jeff Fahey and I have to say that I was so happy when I realized that Fahey was in this movie. Jeff Fahey is one of those immensely likable actors who can make almost any line of dialogue memorable. Playing the Quint role here, Fahey is a lot of fun. Also deserving a lot of credit is Rachele Brooke Smith, who kicks so much ass as the no-nonsense Gina that I found myself thinking that, in case Gal Gadot demands too much money to reprise her role, Smith could easily take over her role in any future Wonder Woman films.

As the film’s screenwriter, Griff Furst, pointed out on twitter, Atomic Shark is a comedy. Taking it seriously is definitely the biggest mistake that a viewer could make. This is a movie that was meant to be watched with a group of your loudest and snarkiest friends. It’s a lot of fun.

(That said, just because it’s comedy, that doesn’t mean that anyone’s safe. This is the rare shark film where you’re actually shocked when a few characters fail to escape the nuclear menace of atomic shark.)

Atomic Shark is a lot of fun and it was a great way to start Shark Snark Week on SyFy!

Is April Alive? Find out In This Teaser for Sharknado 4!

Posted on June 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last year, at the end of Sharknado 3, viewers were given the opportunity to decide the fate of one of its stars. When we last saw Tara Reid’s April, a huge chunk of the space shuttle appeared to be crashing down on top of her and viewers were being asked to vote whether April would live or die.

Personally, I voted to kill her. I thought that killing off April would make Sharknado 4 a far more edgier film. I imagined that her ghost could frequently appear to taunt Ian Ziering, chanting: “You let me die….you let me die….”

Did the rest of the viewing public agree with me?

The answer can be found in the latest teaser for Sharknado 4!

Sharknado 4 Attacks Las Vegas In This Teaser!

Posted on June 3, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh no! The sharks are back and they’re attacking Las Vegas!

In other words, here’s a teaser for Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens. It premieres on July 31st on the SyFy network. Speaking of Sharkando, did you remember to vote as to whether or not April should die? I voted for April die, just because I’m a sweet little thing with morbid thoughts.

I guess we’ll find out April’s fate on July 31st!

Film Review: Dead 7 (dir by Danny Roew)

Posted on April 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Dead 7 is a strange one.

The latest film from the geniuses at the Asylum (and I mean that as a compliment because there is definitely a strain of genius at the heart of The Asylum’s madness), Dead 7 premiered on SyFy last night. I watched it. My friends, the Snarkalecs, watched it. And about a million boy band fans watched it. As usual, the Snarkalecs and I attempted to live tweet the film. Unfortunately, for every genuinely witty tweet from me and my friends, there were a few thousand tweets from people begging Nick Carter to retweet them. A lot of wonderful snark got lost in the deluge of fangirl exhortations.

But I can’t really blame the fangirls. If I hadn’t discovered the joys of snark and if not for the fact that I have too much self-worth to beg anyone (no matter how hot or famous) for a retweet, I might have been there with them. Dead 7 is many things but it will probably best be remembered as the movie that featured a lot of former boy band members fighting and being eaten by zombies. (As more than one tweeter put it, Dead 7 was like watching all of your childhood cruses die a terrible and bloody death.) Not only was the film’s story conceived by Backstreet Boy Nick Carter but he also starred in it and convinced a lot of other boy banders to join the cast. Of course, neither Justin Timberlake nor Lance Bass are anywhere to be found in the film. (For that matter, I was surprised that Aaron Carter didn’t show up.) But the film does feature three Backstreet Boys, two from *NSYNC, Jeff Timmons from 98 Degrees, and O-Town.

Yes, O-Town.

(Fortunately, super creepy, super sleazy, and super imprisoned Lou Pearlman did not have a cameo. I imagine that he was one of the first people to be eaten during the zombie apocalypse.)

As for the film itself … well, it’s not exactly easy to describe. The plot was not always easy to follow and there was a surprisingly large amount of backstory for an Asylum zombie film. The apocalypse has come and gone and now, the world has been transformed into the old west. What remains of humanity lives in tiny and isolated communities. Gunslingers wander through the desert. High atop a mountain, a mad woman named Apocalypta (super scary Debra Wilson) breeds zombies and holds the town below hostage. Sheriff Cooper (Jon Secada) recruits a group of warriors to take out Apocalypta and her hordes.

(Incidentally, Apocalypta’s main henchman is named Johnny Vermillion. Johnny wears clown makeup and giggles uncontrollably. He also gouges out a man’s eye. Johnny is played by A.J. McClean of the Backstreet Boys and he makes for a surprisingly effective villain.)

Despite the fact that Cooper and his impressive sideburns are later eaten by a zombie horde, the warriors still go after Apocalypta. They are the Dead 7, not quite magnificent and almost all dead by the end of the film.

O-Town’s Erik Michael Estrada is Komodo. He’s a samurai. He kills a lot of zombies with a sword. Watching the movie last night, we all really loved Komodo but I think we mostly just liked the sword.

Carrie Keagan is Daisy Jane, who I liked because she was a woman who kicked ass. (Plus, Carrie Keagan was a good sport and replied to a few of my snarky tweets.) Daisy’s boyfriend is Billy, who is played by 98 Degrees’s Jeff Timmons. Personally, I think Dead 7 needs a prequel that will focus exclusively on Daisy Jane or Billy.

Joey Fatone is Whiskey Joe. Whiskey Joe is boisterous and always seems to be having a good time. He’s also always drinking whiskey but when he explained that he can blow himself up if he ever finds himself overwhelmed by zombies, I cringed a little because it was such obvious foreshadowing. If nothing else, Dead 7 forces you to consider whether a world without Joey Fatone is a world worth living in.

Whiskey Joe’s partner is the Vaquero (played by Howie Dorough). The Vaquero is good with a rifle and, at one point, calls Whiskey Joe “estupido.”

Sirene (Lauren Kitt-Carter, who is married to Nick in real life) is a mysterious woman who shows up nearly halfway through the film. She doesn’t say much but she’s good at killing zombies.

And finally, Nick himself played Jack. Jack is a man of few words, a stoic gunslinger who always does the right thing. Nick Carter does a surprisingly effective Clint Eastwood impersonation.

By the end of the film, only one member of the Dead 7 will still be alive. Can you guess who?

Beyond the cast (and former boy banders play even the smallest roles), the most interesting thing about Dead 7 is how seriously it takes itself. This is not another Sharknado 3. There’s very little intentional camp to be found in Dead 7. Instead, it’s a gory and violent film, one in which characters die terrible deaths while howling in pain. The juxtaposition of boy banders and blood makes for an odd viewing experience.

Fortunately, I like odd things. Dead 7 may not be perfect (the editing occasionally feels rushed and haphazard and, as a result, the story isn’t always easy to follow) but when it concentrates on zombie mayhem, it works well enough.

Keep an eye out for Dead 7!

(Just make sure that AJ McLean does snatch it out of your head…)

2015 in Review: The Best of SyFy

Posted on January 4, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, here we are! It’s the first week of January, 2016 and that means that it is time for me to start listing my favorite movies, books, songs, and TV shows of the previous year! Let’s start things off by taking a look at the best that the SyFy network had to offer in 2015!

Below, you will find my nominees for the best SyFy films and performances of the previous year. The winners are starred and in bold. As you’ll quickly notice, it was a good year for films about sharks. Especially films about zombie sharks!

Best Picture
Lavalantula, produced by Anthony Frankhauser
Night of the Wild, produced by David Michael Latt
Ominous, produced by Peter Sullivan
Sharknado 3, produced by David Michael Latt.
They Found Hell, produced by Anthony Frankhauser
*Zombie Shark, produced by Sam Claitor and Eric Davies.*

Best Director
Nick Lyon for They Found Hell
Mike Mendez for Lavalantula
Eric Red for Night of the Wild
*Misty Talley for Zombie Shark*

Best Actor
*Steve Guttenberg in Lavalantula*
Jason London in Zombie Shark
Barry Watson in Ominous
Ian Ziering in Sharknado 3

Best Actress
Illeana Douglas in Mega Shark vs. Kolossus
Sarah Dugdale in The Hollow
Alexis Peterman in Roboshark
*Cassie Steele in Zombie Shark*

Best Supporting Actor
Tony Almont in Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf
*Robert Englund in Lake Placid vs. Anaconda*
David Hasselhoff in Sharknado 3
Roger J. Timber in Zombie Shark

Best Supporting Actress
Becky Andrews in Zombie Shark
Laura Cayouette in Zombie Shark
*Catherine Oxenberg in Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf*
Annabel Wright in Lake Placid vs. Anaconda

Best Screenplay
*Lavalantula, written by Mike Mendez, Neil Elman and Ashley O’Neil*
Roboshark, written by Jeffrey Lando and Phillip Roth
Sharknado 3, written by Thunder Levin
Zombie Shark, written by Greg Mitchell

Best Cinematography
Lavalantula, Richard J. Vialet.
Ominous, Stuart Brereton.
They Found Hell, Richard J. Vialet.
*Zombie Shark, Matt S. Bell.*

Best Costume Design
Mega Shark vs. Kolossus
Ominous, Darragh Marmorstein.
*They Found Hell, Irina Kotcheva*
Zombie Shark, Kellye Bond

Best Editing
Lavalantula, Robert Dias and Mike Mendez.
Sharknado 3, Christopher Roth.
They Found Hell, Don Money.
*Zombie Shark, Misty Talley.*

Best Makeup
The Hollow, Joanne Kinchella
*Lake Placid vs. Anaconda, Desislava Alexieva, Ralitsa Roth, Atanas Temnilov*
Ominous
They Found Hell

Best Score
Lavalantula, Chris Ridenhour.
Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, Chris Cano and Chris Ridenhour.
*Roboshark, Claude Foisy*
Sharknado 3, Chris Ridenhour and Chris Cano.

Best Production Design
Lake Placid vs. Anaconda, Borislav Michailovski
*Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, Fernando Valdes*
Ominous, Stephen Hass.
They Found Hell

Best Sound
The Hollow
Night of the Wild
*Sharknado 3*
Zombie Shark

Best Visual Effects
Lavalantula
Roboshark
*Sharknado 3*
Zombie Shark

Congratulations to all the winners! Thank you for keeping us entertained in 2015!

Check out last year’s winners by clicking here! And 2013’s winners by clicking here!

Tomorrow, we’ll take a look at the best from Lifetime!

Previous Entries In The Best of 2015:

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Night of the Wild (dir by Eric Red)

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished up my review of Buried Secrets, it was time to watch Night of the Wild. Night of the Wild, which was produced by the wonderful people at The Asylum, originally aired on the SyFy network on October 3rd. Much like Ominous, The Hollow, and They Found Hell, it was aired as a part of their 31 Days of Halloween. I was on vacation when Night of the Wild was originally aired, so I missed it.

Night of the Wild is exactly the type of film that appears to have been made to give me nightmares. It’s a film about killer dogs and I’ve always been a bit scared of dogs. Recently, as a result of meeting some very well-behaved and sweet-natured members of the species, I’ve become a little bit more accepting of them but, for the most part, dogs still make me very nervous. I just can’t deal with all the barking and the growling and the jumping. Add to that, it freaks me out that dogs are apparently attuned to human emotions because I tend to be pretty moody. Get a dog around me and chances are my emotional nature will cause them to have a nervous breakdown.

Night of the Wild opens with a green meteorite crashing down to Earth. It lands near a small farming community. Soon, glowing chunks of the meteorite are appearing everywhere and the town’s dogs start to turn against their owners. (It’s debatable whether or not it’s just dogs that go crazy. One of my favorite shots of the movie is of a hundred cats safely perched up in a tree, as if they’re aware that the dogs are having issues and don’t want anything to do with them. There’s another shot the features several cows mooing in a slightly ominous fashion, as if they also can’t wait to take out a few farmers.) It’s pretty much a typical SyFy/Asylum scenario — the dogs go on a rampage through town, a lot of people die, and the members of a family (made up of Rob Morrow, Kelly Rutherford, Tristin Mays, and Carmen Tonry) try to get to safety.

And yet, there are a few things that set Night of the Wild apart from other SyFy films.

First off, there’s the look of the film. According to the imdb’s trivia section, director Eric Red and cinematographer Spencer Hutchins were inspired by the look of Dario Argento’s classic Suspiria. And you can certainly tell while watching the film. The colors are vibrant. The green glow of the meteorite is often seen in the background. When the dogs lay siege to a farmhouse, the reddish lighting will remind you of Suspiria‘s scenes of Jessica Harper investigating the hidden passageways of that haunted dance academy.

The other thing that sets apart Night of the Wild is just how violent and gruesome the film eventually becomes. Unlike Sharknado 3, this is not a comedy. This is not a film that invites you to laugh over all the mayhem. Night of the Wild is a grim and dark movie, one in which you’re never quite sure who is going to survive and who is going to fall victim to the dogs.

Night of the Wild is a film that will make you want to hug your favorite cat.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Ominous (dir by Peter Sullivan)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished writing my review of Lavalantula, it was time to bitch about my sprained foot to anyone who would listen. After that, it was time to have dinner and then it was time to lay on the couch and try to get some rest and finally, after all that, I got back to the task of cleaning out my DVR. The film that I ended up watching was Ominous, a SyFy film which was originally broadcast on October 10th.

Ominous opens with recovering alcoholic Michael Young (played by Barry Watson) putting his car into reverse and promptly running over his six year-old son, Jacob (Gavin Lewis). Michael and his wife, Rachel (Esme Bianco), rush Jacob to the hospital but it’s too late. Jacob dies. Later, as they’re driving back from the funeral, Rachel demands to know if Michael was drunk when he ran over Jacob. Michael says that he wasn’t drinking and that it was just an accident and then, as if to prove that he really is the worst driver in the world, Michael promptly runs over a dog.

When they arrive home, a man is waiting for them. Known only as The Stranger (and played, in properly sinister style, by Mark Lindsay Chapman), the man says that he can bring Jacob back to life. All Michael and Rachel have to do is dig up their son and bring his body back to the house. And then, to prove his point, the Stranger brings the dog back to life.

So, of course, Michael and Rachel go out to the cemetery and dig up Jacob. They bring him back to the house. The next morning, Jacob is suddenly alive. Yay! Of course, Jacob promptly re-kills the dog, which is our first clue that Jacob is not quite himself.

We then jump forward a few months. The Youngs have moved to a new town and appear to be living as normal a life as you can when your six year-old son is demon-possessed hellspawn. (Actually, he’s the Antichrist and don’t even pretend like that was a spoiler.) Michael fears his son, especially after Jacob has a seizure in church and causes a priest to burst into flames. Rachel continues to make excuses for her son, even when he does stuff like summon a sudden dust storm that manages to kill everyone on a playground.

There’s a scene early on in the film in which Jacob asks his mother if they can get a cat.

“I don’t think so,” Rachel replies, “Daddy’s allergic.”

“What about when Daddy’s dead?” Jacob cheerfully asks.

That scene pretty much tells you everything you need to know about Ominous. This is an unapologetically over-the-top demon child film, one that doesn’t make much sense but which is never boring. It’s easy to recognize which films are being ripped off — The Omen, The Visitor, The Birds — but the film is so shameless in its thievery that it’s easy to be forgiving. Is Ominous a rip-off or an homage? How about both?

Barry Watson actually does a pretty good job as a recovering alcoholic and his performance is reminiscent of some of Patrick Muldoon’s better work. Mark Lindsay Chapman is properly intimidating as the Stranger. Full of gore, melodrama, metaphysical posturing, and children with creepy demon eyes, Ominous is more entertaining than you might expect.

Adventures in Cleaning Out the DVR: Lavalantula (dir by Mike Mendez)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The SyFy film Lavalantula opens in Los Angeles and we immediately know what that means. If it’s a day of the week ending with a y, it means that Los Angeles is about to attacked by some sort of giant monster. In this case, it’s due to a series of volcanic eruptions that lead to a swarm of gigantic, fire-breathing tarantulas being released into California.

Now, if Schwarzenegger was still governor of California, these spiders probably wouldn’t have been much of a problem. But have you seen the current governor of California? Seriously, I take one look at Jerry Brown and my first thought is that he’s not someone I would call if I needed someone to come over and kill a giant spider for me. I just wouldn’t. Sorry, Jerry.

(Incidentally, y’all love to make fun of people in Texas for loving guns but when was the last time we had a giant spider invasion get out of hand like the one in Lavalantula?)

When the spiders do show up and promptly start burning Los Angelenos alive, the police, the military, and the fire department all prove to be pretty much useless. Fortunately, L.A. is also the home of the film industry and, as has always happened whenever America has faced a monster-related crisis, the unsung heroes of the movie industry are willing to step up and save the day. Actor Colton West (Steve Guttenberg) may not know much about spiders. And, as we’re told at the start of the film, it’s been a while since he had a hit movie. But none of that matters. All that matters is that, back in the day, Colton starred in enough action movies that he now has a unique set of skills that can be used to defeat giant, fire-breathing tarantulas.

Of course, while saving California, Colton also has to save his wife, Olivia (Nia Peeples) but fortunately, Olivia is totally capable of kicking ass on her own. In fact, the entire film industry is shown to be capable of kicking ass, as Colton recruits the crew from his latest movie to help him save Los Angeles.

(Ian Ziering also pops up for a funny cameo. He can’t help Colton save Los Angeles becase he’s too busy trying to save the rest of the country from flying sharks. It’s a cute scene that works a lot better than you might think.)

Now, I have to admit that when I went to the DVR to track down and rewatch Lavalantula, I was shocked to discover that I didn’t record Lavalantula when it originally aired on July 25th! Usually, I both watch and record but, in the case of Lavalantula, I just watched. This review has been written from memory but that’s okay because Lavalantula‘s an extremely memorable film. Much like director Mike Mendez’s previous giant monster film — the beloved Big Ass Spider — Lavalantula is an enjoyably over-the-top B-movie that succeeds because, while it never takes itself too seriously, it does take itself just seriously enough to remain interesting. It expertly walks the fine line between tribute and parody. Regardless of how silly the film may get, the entire cast brings a lot of commitment to their roles and the end result is a genuinely fun movie.

One final sidenote: Apparently, this film was full of inside jokes about the Police Academy franchise. Having never seen any of the Police Academy films, I have to admit that the majority of the references probably went right over my head. I did, however, recognize Michael Winslow, the guy who does all the sound effects. He was one of the heroic crew people and he did a damn good job protecting California.

In fact, they all did.

Thank you, Hollywood.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (dir by A.B. Stone)

Posted on November 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished watching Stolen Daughter, I decided to take a break from watching Lifetime films. So, for my next DVRed movie, I watched Lake Placid vs. Anaconda. Lake Placid vs. Anaconda premiered on the SyFy Channel on April 25th. It was the first original SyFy film of the year and so, of course, my friends, the Snarkalecs, and I had to watch and record it.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda is a bit of a tribute to such classic monster movies as King Kong vs. Godzilla and … well, any other movie where Godzilla ended up fighting another big monster. In this case, it’s a battle between the giant crocodiles from the Lake Placid films and the giant snakes from the Anaconda films. However, it’s not really much of a battle. The crocodiles don’t really meet the snakes until the last 20 minutes of the film and the battle pretty much ends in a draw.

Instead, the majority of the film deals with the typical collection of SyFy character types trying to escape from the beach and surrounding wilderness without getting devoured. There’s a group of sorority girls, all of whom are basically slaves to the hilariously bitchy Tiffani (Laura Dale, who appears to be having a lot of fun with her role). There’s the tough, no-nonsense Sheriff (Yancy Butler), who always seems to be on the verge of declaring that she’s “too old for this …. shit!” There’s the forest ranger (Corin Nemec) who is trying to rescue his daughter, who happens to be one of the sorority girls.

My favorite group, however, was a group of mercenaries hired by Sarah Murdoch (Annabel Wright), the evil CEO of Wexel Pharmaceuticals. Sarah is so evil that she even talks about her evil plans while casually undressing in front of her subordinates. Now, I have to be honest. I have sat through this movie twice and I’m still not quite sure what Sarah’s evil plan actually was. It involved a blood orchid and capturing an anaconda. But, regardless of what the actual scheme was, Sarah and the mercenaries were so melodramatic that it was impossible not to be entertained by them.

Anyway, Lake Placid vs. Anaconda takes way too long to get the creatures on screen together and the final battle is a bit of a let down. Fortunately, however, Robert Englund is there to joyfully chew up all the scenery until the crocodiles and the snakes arrive. Englund is playing a crocodile hunter. He drinks too much, he talks too much, and he’s missing an eye, a leg, and an arm. Englund appears to be having a lot of fun playing the role and he’s the best thing in the movie.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda really can’t compare to any of the excellent shark films that would later premiere on SyFy in July but it’s worth seeing for Annabel Wright and Robert Englund.