11 models have been murdered in Los Angeles and Margo (Kimberly Stevens) fears that she could be next. She’s been receiving threatening notes and feels as if someone is watching her and her boyfriend, Bill (Michael Phenicie). She hires a private detective (Mark Derwin) to protect her but it might be too late because Homer (Corey Feldman), the man who has been sending her the notes, has already enrolled in the same acting class of Margo. After Bill turns up dead, Homer is assigned to be Margo’s new scene partner. Is Homer moving in for the kill or is someone else responsible for the murders?
This mix of erotic thriller and horror was one of those movies that used to show up on a late night Cinemax in the 90s, where it could be watched by teenagers who kept one eye on the screen and one eye looking out for their parents. Corey Feldman starred in a lot of these films and in this one, he gives a twitchy and occasionally funny performance as the nerdy Homer. Homer is the most obvious stalker imaginable and it’s hard to believe that Margo, who is so concerned about being stalked that she’s hired a private detective, would not look at Homer and immediately realize that he was the culprit. Feldman overacts but he at least provides the film with the energy that is missing from the performances of Kimberly Stevens and Mark Derwin. Even better is the performance of Brion James as the autocratic and pretentious acting teacher. Watching him, I got the feeling that James probably could have based his performance on any number of Hollywood acting coaches.
A group of terrorists take over a high school and announce that, unless their demands are met, they will launch a nuclear missile at a nuclear power plant which I guess will cause double the nuclear destruction. Since they already have a nuclear missile, it feels like also threatening to blow up the power plant is definite overkill. With the school now full of terrorists and explosives, it’s up to one student to kill the terrorists one-by-one and save his classmates. It’s Die Hard in a High School (cool!), with the Bruce Willis role being taken on by … COREY HAIM!
That bit of casting tells you both why Demolition High doesn’t work and also why anyone would be watching this direct-to-video “action” film in the first place. The 25 year-old Haim plays Lenny Slater, a high school student who knows Kung Fu because he grew up in the Bronx. His father (played by Alan Thicke!) moves to a small town, both to become a police chief and to hopefully keep Lenny from getting into any more trouble. Lenny’s all trouble, though, and terrorist leader Luther (the great Jef Kober) is about to discover that he’s invaded the wrong high school.
If I had watched this film in the 90s or even the early aughts, I would have laughed at how bad Corey Haim is as an action hero but today, knowing all we know about his life and how Hollywood essentially enabled his worst tendencies and then abandoned him when he become too self-destructive to work, it’s not as easy to watch an obviously troubled actor who has gone from being a big star to appearing in a direct-to-video Die Hard rip-off. Trying to disguise the fact that he’s too old to be playing a high school student, Haim wears a flannel shirt and an earring and has a bowl cut. Whenever he talks to his classmates, you expect him to say, “How do you do, fellow kids?” As heavily edited as the fight scenes are, it’s still obvious that Haim had no idea how to throw a punch. On the plus side, even while obviously addled by drug abuse, Corey Haim was still a better actor than Stephen Seagal.
Demolition High is pretty dumb but it was directed by Jim Wynorski so at least there’s some inside jokes. Gerrit Graham and Dick Van Patten both have small roles and Alan Thicke gets to tell an FBI agent to “Think with your heart, not with your badge.” Wynorski also cast Melissa Brasselle as Tayna, a sexy terrorist who wears black leather. He deserves some credit for that. (When the film was released on video, Brasselle was featured on the cover, not Haim.) Some of the techniques that Lenny uses to take out the terrorists are creative, if never really plausible. In this case, Lenny is helped by the stupidity of the terrorists. It’s not every evil terrorist who is clumsy enough to stumble head first into a table saw.
Demolition High was apparently successful enough to be followed by a sequel, Demolition U. I’ll look at the movie tomorrow.
Wow! That title card cares about this movie as much as the one for Trancers 4: Jack of Swords did. That is to say, it doesn’t care one bit. And for good reason. This movie sucks! At least it isn’t as depressing as what I’ll mention at the end of this review.
In case you don’t remember the complex and memorable plot of Trancers 4 when you go to watch Trancers 5, it begins with a recap. I’m glad this recap exists. It not only reminds me that nothing happened in Trancers 4, but it also tells me what this lady’s name really is.
That being “the bitch leader of the rebellious peasants” (Terri Ivens). You see, this is what happens when you get one of the villains of the movie to do your recap. They will resort to name calling. The only new thing it adds is that shortly after Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) killed Caliban (Clabe Hartley) they used hit and run tactics for a month before launching an attack on the castle. Cut to the attack on the castle and this guy keeps saying “Deth is coming!” Very true, as he learns from Jack’s gun.
One eye (Mark Arnold) here flees the castle, but first he takes the painting from Ghostbusters II.
Oh, yeah! That means what you think it means. This movie is that stupid. Meanwhile, it’s time for Jack and Lyra (Stacie Randall) to have another hilarious scene together. Lyra being the girl from the future who was tough and smart, but in the past is super submissive. Jack still isn’t happy about that. Aside from the sex thing.
Then a scene happens that I’m sure was the inspiration for Stephenie Meyer’s June 2, 2003 dream that inspired the Twilight series.
That’s Prospero (Ty Miller) who is a Trancer/vampire and the bitch…okay, her name is Shaleen. She is in love with him, but his hunger causes him to need to feed, and she is willing to let him. Nope. Nothing Twilighty going on here. Meanwhile, Jack is in the library trying to understand his contract to make Trancers 4 & 5 which apparently had him paid in money he could only spend in Romania.
Actually, it’s some random gibberish that talks about inter-dimensional travel or something. Oh, then this happens.
Yep! Caliban is back. Why? Probably the same reason why Jack getting struck by lightning at the end of the fourth film simply transported him behind Caliban so he could shoot him. Plot convenience. Whatever, it’s back to Jack and Prospero. All you need to know is Jack needs to go get something called the Tiamond. Where does he need to go to get it you might ask? Stupid question! Of course it’s The Castle of Unrelenting Terror. Where did you think he was going to have to go? To a 7-Eleven?
Now Shaleen’s breasts say goodbye. Jack then tells Lyra he has to go and gives us some words of wisdom: “A woman isn’t a real woman unless she makes you want to smack her in the chops. Not doing it makes you a real man.” Thanks, Jack! I mean I can’t say I really disagree with the point of the line…I think, but that’s certainly an interesting way of putting it. Now Jack and Prospero are off to The Castle Of Unrelenting Bullshit.
Jack and Prospero sit down to let Ty Miller attempt acting before Taylor Lautner shows up.
They just throw him some food and he leaves. Wait I’m sorry. I forgot that it turns out the food tastes like shit, but Prospero has some drink for Jack that will make him care about its shitty taste less. Very important lines. Then some guy shows up, tries to kill Prospero, and Lautner kills him. Who cares, we need to get through this thing as fast as possible. As Jack puts it, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”
Now we get more scenes of Ty Miller acting. These scenes are just to remind us that Prospero is a good guy, but Jack doesn’t trust him cause he is a Trancer after all. Then we cut to Lyra who wanders somewhere in the castle to start drawing. It really doesn’t matter. Next they arrive at The Castle Of Unrelenting Nonsense.
They would’ve painted the girls green, but then Roddenberry’s estate would have sued their asses off. They basically serve the same purpose as Orion Slave Girls trying to keep Jack and Prospero in a state of bliss that will cause them to rot away. Makes me wonder though. If two women had arrived at the castle, then would these have been men? Can the castle tell what your sexual preference is and tailor these people to match it? Doesn’t matter. Jack figures it out and gets hit with a giant hand.
Then he cuts off the arm it’s attached to and throws it on the ground.
On to the next room of The Castle Of Unrelenting Things From Other Movies And TV Shows.
Zombies! At least I think they’re zombies. They sound like it and move towards them like they are. However, Jack just tells them to “suck floor”. They do just that, and scene!
Meanwhile, Lyra is back at the castle padding the movie out by drawing things. Back in the actual plot of the film, Jack and Prospero come to a room where Prospero is struck down with noise.
Then the dumbest scene of the same actor playing themselves twice in the same scene happens. It’s like watching the Disney Channel show Liv and Maddie if they used no special effects at all, but kept cutting to single shots of Dove Cameron pretending to be different characters with an occasional arm reaching towards her. Yep. Jack fights with himself. Here you go.
Good Jack
Evil Jack
Fighting
The whole scene is like that. Evil Jack has the Tiamond and now Please Get Me Out Of This Movie Jack has the Tiamond. The dog is back and transforms into Caliban, but in between we get the dog wearing a vest!
Needless to say Caliban takes the Tiamond away and uses it to make this happen…
before going through that vortex, as they call it.
Now the movie has all the characters make a mad dash back to the main set. Back at the castle poor Shaleen’s breasts get squished.
Why you ask? Because the movie needs to reference Back To The Future now. Isn’t it obvious? No? Let me help you out. She is Lorraine Baines.
He is Biff Tannen.
That’s Marty/George McFly AKA Jeff Moldovan who was the stunt coordinator on the film.
The fight.
The fist.
The knockout.
Not perfect, but I have absolutely no doubt that’s what they were referencing with that scene.
Anyways, Prospero shows up and lifts the styrofoam off of her body. However, Caliban shows up and starts making impressive use of The Force to do more than just open up doors this time.
Caliban has a showdown with Jack and Prospero. After knocking Jack down, Prospero stabs him, then Jack shoots the Tiamond saying, “Back to L.A. you son of a bitch!” They turn yellow and disappear. I love what follows.
There’s this shot of Shaleen looking around in amazement for a full 10 seconds. It’s hilarious. Now we cut back to the future. Oh, and past Lyra is pregnant. Doesn’t matter.
Initially they think they have lost Jack and talk about him in the past tense. The problem is that before they start talking about him, Jack and Prospero come through the door. It means Lyra and the guy banging Jack’s ex-wife didn’t hear the door open up right behind them. Then Jack is reunited with Lyra and iris shot!
So, you want to watch something depressing? Watch Trancers 3, 4, and 5. Want to crank it up a notch? Watch the behind the scenes featurette on the Trancers 5 DVD where it’s obvious that Thomerson was having none of this movie. Not sad enough? I can make it worse. Actor Clabe Hartley now owns a restaurant in Venice Beach, California. This year a homeless person came into his restaurant, harassed some customers, then BIT PART OF HARTLEY’S FINGER OFF! And they couldn’t reattach it. Instead of our usual look on Thomerson’s face, I have embedded the news story below.
11 models have been murdered in Los Angeles and Margo (Kimberly Stevens) fears that she could be next. She’s been receiving threatening notes and feels as if someone is watching her and her boyfriend, Bill (Michael Phenicie). She hires a private detective (Mark Derwin) to protect her but it might be too late because Homer (Corey Feldman), the man who has been sending her the notes, has already enrolled in the same acting class of Margo. After Bill turns up dead, Homer is assigned to be Margo’s new scene partner. Is Homer moving in for the kill or is someone else responsible for the murders?
Through the Shattered Lens 