Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.6 “Takedown”

Posted on February 11, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

Who cares? Roll the opening credits.

Episode 1.6 “Takedown”

(Dir by Terrence O’Hara, originally aired on April 6th, 1996)

Three dangerous criminals are holding up stores in …. oh Hell. Where does this show take place? I know it’s in California but what’s the name of the town? Malibu? Is that it? Hold on, let me check with Wikipedia….

SANTA MONICA! That’s where this show takes place.

See, that’s the type of show that Pacific Blue is. I am now six episodes into this show and I’m still can’t tell you where it specifically takes place. It’s not that they haven’t mentioned that the show is set in Santa Monica. And considering that I even attended Saint Monica School for a semester, you would think that I would be able to remember it. But Pacific Blue is such a generic show that it’s difficult to really remember a thing about it. It fades from your memory within seconds of being watched. About the only thing that really sticks with the viewer about this show is how stupid everyone looks on their bicycles with their tight white shirts and their blue shorts. The fact that Rick Rossovich plays their leader with a perpetual air of grim determination only serves to make them seem even more ridiculous. Cops are supposed to look intimidating. That’s one reason why a lot of people don’t like them. These cops just look like the type of douchebags you dread getting stuck behind in traffic.

As for this episode, three dangerous criminals are holding up stores in Santa Monica. Somehow, they always manage to escape right before the cops show up. Maybe that’s because the cops are all on bicycles and they have to steer across crowded sidewalks without even having the benefit of a siren to tell people to get out of the way. What’s odd is that no one ever seems to notice the criminals until they pull out their guns. These are three extremely scruffy criminals, all of whom are clad in clothes that don’t appear to have been washed in days. Are you seriously telling me no one would notice that on the beach in San Diego or wherever this freaking show takes place?

If I was a store owner who got robbed at gunsight and who then called the police, nothing would piss me off more than having the bicycle cops respond. Seriously, you need a car to chase criminals! All the criminals have to do is wait for the bike cops to pull a muscle or ride over a stick in the middle of the road and then they’ll be home free. If I get robbed, give me the real cops!

TC gets upset when one of the criminals points a gun at him. Lt. Palermo encourages him to stop being stoic and get in touch with his feelings and …. oh, who cares? Freaking bicycle cops. While that’s going on, Chris takes a creative writing class and dates her professor (Zach Galligan). From what we hear of Chris’s literary efforts, she has no talent whatsoever. She was such a bad writer that I literally got angry while she reading her story. I wanted the professor to throw something at her. Also, Victor del Toro falls in love with a model (Krista Allen) and even gets a date with her, despite his dumbass bicycle.

Where does this show take place again? Malibu?

Anyway, this was just another episode about the most useless cops ever.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.5 “Out Of The Past”

Posted on February 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This show is proving difficult to review.

Episode 1.5 “Out of the Past”

(Dir by Terrence O’Hara, originally aired on March 30th, 1996)

Look, I tried. I really did.

This episode should have fascinated me. It featured three storylines. Palermo was told take a vacation when it became obvious that a serial killer known as The Angel (Tim Thomerson) had returned to the beach and was targeting doctors. Palermo and The Angel had a history, with Palermo failing to capture The Angel during the killer’s previous spree. This time, The Angel tried to force a journalist (played by Barry Miller) to record his crimes for posterity.

Meanwhile, Chris and TC went undercover as guests at a hotel so that they could catch a thief and a peeping tom. Chris and TC pretended to be romantically involved and were so dedicated to maintaining the act that they ended up spending a good deal of the episode hanging out together in their underwear.

Finally, both TC and Del Toro were obsessed with catching a speeding biker who continually managed to outrun and outmaneuver them. Compounding their embarrassment was the revelation that the biker was a woman.

Mystery, empowerment, and lingerie. Those are three of my favorites things but this episode still managed to thoroughly bore me. I had to view it three times because I kept getting distracted whenever I tried to sit down and just watch the show. Admittedly, with my ADHD, my attention span is on the short side but still, this episode of Pacific Blue was remarkable in that, no matter what happened, I just didn’t care.

Why? Why can’t this show even work in a so-bad-its-good kind of way? The characters are just boring and interchangeable. The men are all grim and serious-minded and, physically, they’re all the same type. They’re all tall and lean and blandly handsome and none of them have any quirks or interests to really make them stand-out. The women are also bland and spend most of their time smirking at their male co-workers. Who are these people? Who cares?

Perhaps the biggest flaw with this episode and the show so far is that the members of the bicycle patrol just look dorky and they peddle around the beach. The worse thing is when they have to chase a suspect down a flight of stairs and they literally pick and carry their bicycles as they do so. It’s hard to take bicyclists seriously, even when they’re cops.

Watching the show, I kept thinking about the bicycle cops who used to patrol the campus where I went to college. No one took them seriously and everyone knew the experience of being yanked over by one of them and being asked, “You been drinking tonight?” when you were totally sober. It happened to me, one night, when an old ankle injury was acting up and I was walking with a slight limp. I was already feeling self-conscious about it and getting stopped when all I wanted to do was get home and rest my ankle didn’t help. The insistence that I must have been drunk or otherwise under the influence and also the assumption that I was obligated to stand around while the cops slowly talked to each other left me feeling violated. Whenever I see TC or Palermo sitting on their bikes with their oh-so serious “I am a badass” facial expressions, I remember every bad experience that I’ve ever had or I’ve ever seen someone else have with a cop.

My hope is that Pacific Blue, over the course of its run, eventually found a way to make its characters less annoying and more likable. (For instance, I don’t mind the cops on CHiPs because at least they’re entertaining.) I guess we’ll find out!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.4 “Over The Edge”

Posted on January 28, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

There’s been a murder but don’t worry. The bike patrol is here.

Episode 1.4 “Over the Edge”

(Dir by Cory Michael Eubanks, originally aired on March 23rd, 1996)

“I need some personal time!” TC announces to Lt. Palermo after TC’s childhood friend, Todd (Dave Oliver), washes up dead on the beach. It turns out that Todd was killed in a skydiving incident and TC doesn’t think it was an accident. Todd jumped out of 700 planes without dying so obviously something is up.

(Really? 700? Did he just spend a year jumping out of plane after plane? 700 is a HUGE number, especially when it comes to risking your life.)

TC’s partner, Chris, is shocked to discover that TC had a friend because apparently, he never mentioned Todd in the past. Well, Chris, this is only the fourth episode so it’s not like you two have been partners for that long. This is a weird episode because it assume that the audience has an emotional investment in TC despite the fact that we know next to nothing about him. We know that TC rides a bicycle. We know that he comes from a rich family. And we know he hardly ever smiles because being on the bicycle patrol is suuuuuuuuch an important responsibility. Otherwise, TC is just kind of a boring guy. I’m sorry his friend died because I’m sorry when anyone dies but other than that, I don’t really have any emotional connection to any of this.

Anyway, it turns out that Todd fell in with a bunch of Australian extreme athlete types and they shoved him out of an airplane without a properly working parachute. I’m sure there was a reason why but, for the most part, this episode is just an excuse for TC to look grim while doing the whole extreme sports thing. I remember that, when I was growing up, you’d always hear all this breathless talk about how someone was doing “extreme sports” but then it would just turn out they were riding a unicycle or rolling down a hill. Remember bike jousting, where people would joust while slowly riding bicycles and it looked totally stupid but everyone would still go, “Whoa!” while watching? That was dumb.

Speaking of dumb, I’m still having a hard time taking the idea of cops on bicycles seriously. Did the people who made this show not realize how stupid the cast looks rolling up and down the boardwalk in their crisp white shirts and blue shorts? Seriously, it’s hard to take them seriously. Baywatch was a dumb show but at least those red swimsuits were visually effective. The bicycle cops on Pacific Blue just look like idiots, no matter how fast they try to peddle.

This show just seems silly right now. I’ve got over a 100 episodes left to review so I hope things will get better.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.3 “No Man’s Land”

Posted on January 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s time for another trip to the beach!

Episode 1.3 “No Man’s Land”

(Dir by Michael Levine and John Bush, originally aired on March 16th, 1996)

Uh-oh! There’s Nazis on the beach.

We know that Carl (Ryan Alosio) is a Nazi because he owns a bar that is decorated, on the outside, with a swastika. Then, on the inside, there are many more swastikas and a German flag and a picture of Adolf Hitler hanging on the wall. My question is who sold the bar to Carl and how exactly is he not violating any zoning laws? Throughout the show, we’re constantly told that Carl can do whatever he wants on his property but don’t most towns have rules about what you can and cannot display in a business district? We’re told that Carl has a criminal record and his arms are covered in Nazi tattoos so, once again, I have to wonder who sold him the bar. There are a lot regulations and paperwork involved in opening up your own small business. That’s especially true if your business is going to be selling alcohol. I guess my point is that I just have a hard time believing that Carl’s Nazi bar would be allowed to stay open on the boardwalk.

Bizarrely, ordinary non-Nazis keep entering Carl’s Nazi bar. Wouldn’t the swastika turn most people away? I’m just saying that personally, I would not go in a building that was decorated with a swastika. Anytime anyone who is not a Nazi goes in Carl’s bar, Carl beats them up. You really have to wonder how Carl is managing to stay in business. I mean, let’s just accept that there’s enough Nazis in Santa Monica for Carl to have a steady customer base. Carl is still asking those people to step into a building that is decorated with a swastika and basically announce their opinions to the world. I would think at least some of the Santa Monica Nazis would be like, “No, I’d rather keep it a secret and go drink at a politically neutral bar.” I mean, this isn’t some isolated club, like the place in Green Room. This bar is sitting right in the middle of the boardwalk, where hundreds of people walk by each day. Apparently, Santa Monica Nazis have no fear of being outed.

Like all Nazis, Carl is a jerk. He beats up a vendor for selling churros in front of his bar. He also harasses all of the non-white surfers. You would think that this episode’s hero would be Officer Del Toro but instead, it falls to the very white T.C. Callaway to stand up to Carl and eventually drag him off to jail. Callaway explains that he hates bullies. That’s fine but it’s still more emotionally satisfying to watch a bully get beaten up by the bullied as opposed to by a concerned bystander.

We also get B-plot about a young graffiti artist named Melo (Christopher Babers) and Cory’s attempt to get Melo to see the error of his ways and instead use his artistic talent for something good. And Mayor Mickey Dolenz spends the episode panicking because there’s an election to coming up to determine whether or not to allow on the nudity on the beach. It’s pretty dumb but it’s hard not to smile at Mickey Dolenz playing himself.

The main problem with this episode and the show as a while is that the cops look silly riding around on their bikes. When Cory and Victor head down a flight of stairs to catch Melo tagging a tunnel, they have to pick up and carry their bikes with them and it was hard not to laugh. Whenever someone says, “This is Bike 1 responding,” to a crime call, I just imagine a dispatcher grimacing and thinking, I was hoping for a real cop. Watching CHiPs and then this episode made me appreciate how much better motorcycles are than bicycles.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.2 “First Shoot”

Posted on January 14, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the bicycle cops continue to expect to be taken seriously.

Episode 1.2 “First Shoot”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on March 9th, 1996)

It’s a busy time for the bicycle cops of Santa Monica.

Elvis (David Lander), the bicycle repairman who speaks with an indecipherable accent, is paranoid because a group of Bulgarian men are wandering the beach and asking if anyone knows where they can find him. It turns out that the men are not dangerous but instead, they are the members of Bulgaria’s Olympic bicycling team. They want Elvis to be their official team repairman. However, Elvis previously had an affair with the girlfriend of one of the Olympians so he declines the offers. He prefers the glamour of California.

Meanwhile, a pickpocket is robbing people on the boardwalk. When he makes the mistake of grabbing the wallet of an old Italian man named Mr. Tataglia (Joseph Campanella), Tataglia goes to Lt. Palermo and explains that he wants the wallet back because it contains a picture of his wife. He would consider it a matter of personal respect if Palermo retrieved the wallet and he promises to repay the favor. Fortunately, the brave bicycle cops do catch the pickpocket. Mr. Tataglia watches from a distance and nods. I guess Mr. Tataglia is meant to be a mobster. Believe it or not, not all Italians are in the Mafia. I’m a fourth-Italian and I’m fairly sure that side of my family is not mob-related.

While that’s going on, Chris and Del Toro ride their bikes out to a film set and provide security for a spoiled movie star named Scott Magruder (Bojesse Christopher). Chris is the one who has a crush on Magruder but it’s Del Toro who is seduced by the prospect of fame. When Magruder gives Del Toro a line in the movie, Del Toro has visions of movie stardom in his head. But then the scene gets cut. Sorry, Del Toro, looks like you’re just going to have to spend the rest of your life riding around the beach on a Schwinn like a dumbass. Scott later gets arrested in a bar fight but it turns out it was a publicity stunt. Chris is saddened to learn that celebs aren’t as likable in real life as they are in the gossip pages. Myself, I’m just wondering why Chris has gone from being the smart and driven character that she was in the pilot to being a total airhead just one episode later.

Finally, Cory and the bike cops help the real cops bust a group of drug dealers. Cory shoots an aspiring rapper named Rasheed (Jeremiah Birkett). Rasheed claims that he didn’t have a gun. Cory is determined to prove that he did. Apparently, this was the first time that Cory ever shot anyone. Strangely, it doesn’t seem to rattle her at all that she nearly ended someone else’s life. I mean, it seems like most people would have a more emotional reaction to nearly killing a man, even if that guy was a criminal with a gun. Cory, however, is cool and calm and kind of creepy about it. It’s established that Cory comes from a family of cops so maybe that’s why the shooting doesn’t faze her.

There was a lot going on in this episode. Actually, there was probably too much going on. This is only the second episode of the show and it’s not like any of the characters have really developed much of an individual personality. Everyone is still pretty much interchangeable. As a result, none of the action in this show carried much of an emotional impact. The characters are all still strangers to me.

Maybe things will improve next week.

(Seriously, let’s hope so! I’ve got a lot of episodes to make my way through before I’m done with Pacific Blue.)

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.1 “Pilot”

Posted on January 7, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last month, we finished up Baywatch Nights. For our next show, we have Pacific Blue, which was often described as being Baywatch On Bikes. Before watching the episode reviewed below, I had only seen one previous episosde of Pacific Blue. I was in Rome and the episode was dubbed into Italian.

As I sit here typing this, it is currently 32 degrees and windy outside. On Thursday, we’re supposed to get hit with ice and snow. Fortunately, on Pacific Blue, it’s forever summer! Let’s dive right in with the first episode!

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by Ralph Hemecker, originally aired on March 2nd, 1996)

Welcome to Santa Monica in the 90s!

The skies are sunny, the ocean is blue, everyone’s wearing a bikini or a swimsuit, and the cops are on bikes!

The pilot for Pacific Blue opens with Officers Victor Del Toro (Marcos A. Ferraez) and Cory McNamara (Paula Trickey) riding their bikes down the boardwalk and talking about how criminals and even citizens often don’t pay them enough respect because they’re on bicycles. And, to be honest, they do look pretty silly riding their bicycles with their grim “I am the Law” facial expressions. Judge Dredd would never be caught dead on a bicycle.

When Victor and Cory catch a couple of graffiti-spraying vandals, they get to show off what they can do with their bicycles. “They can run but we can fly,” Victor says as he takes off after the fleeing vandals. And …. no, sorry. The bikes still look dorky. I don’t care how many bad guys the bike cops capture. The dark shorts and the crisp white t-shirts and the Schwinn bicycles, none of it is intimidating.

Chris Kelly (Darlene Vogel) was once a hotshot Navy pilot until her eyesight dipped below 20/20 and she was discharged. (You have to have 20/20 eyesight to fly a plane? Well, I’ll add that to my list of things that I will never be allowed to do!) Chris joined the Santa Monica police force and found herself assigned to tell kids not to go off with strangers while wearing a milk carton costume. After Chris catches some drug dealers (again, while dressed up like a milk carton), she is transferred out of public relations and over to …. BIKE PATROL!

Her new boss, Tony Palermo (Rick Rossovich), explains that Chris will require three days of bicycle training before she’s officially a member of Bike Patrol. In one montage, Chris learns how to ride a bike like a …. well, I would say like a “badass,” except for the fact that she’s on a dorky Schwinn. She is then partnered up with TC Callaway (Jim Davidson), who orders her to lose the attitude when it comes to riding her bike. No one is too good for bike patrol!

TC’s girlfriend, Sandy (Cindy Ambuehl), thinks TC should get a job working for his wealthy father. TC’s younger brother agrees. But TC loves the beach. He loves chasing criminals. He loves riding his bike! TC was born to work with ocean in the distance and sand getting stuck in the spokes of his bike,

Speaking of criminals, someone has stolen Mayor Mickey Dolenz’s car. (Mickey Dolenz appears as himself.) The Bike Patrol takes down a bunch of car thieves and closes down their chop shop. It’s a standard cop show plot but keep in mind that this is just the first episode. The purpose of a first episode is to introduce all the characters and explain the premise of the show. And that’s what this pilot did so technically, this episode has to be considered a success.

The only problem — and I have a feeling that I’ll be coming back to this point frequently over the next two years or so — is that the Bike Patrol looks incredibly dorky. Pacific Blue was obviously meant to capitalize on the success of Baywatch but the thing with Baywatch is that, as incredibly dumb as that show could be, the slow motion running looked cool. The members of the Bike Patrol riding their bikes up and down the beach just look silly.

That said, the beach scenery was nice to look at and this show does seem like it might have the potential to be fun in a so-bad-it’s-good sort of way. So, we’ll see what happens. By the end of this month, I’ll either be happy that I picked this show to review or I’ll be cursing my terrible judgment. We’ll find out soon enough.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

Posted on November 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, season 3 comes to an end!

Episode 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on May 17th, 1980)

As I watched the third season finale of Fantasy Island, I found myself growing a bit sad. Even though I went into this program knowing that Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize eventually came to despise each other, it’s still a bit jarring to see just how obvious that dislike was by the end of season 3. Gone were the silly moments of banter that used to start each episode. Instead, by the end of season 3, each episode opened with same stock footage of Tattoo announcing the plane and then Roarke and Tattoo heading down to the docks to meet their guests. When Tattoo and Roarke do speak to each other, the actors barely look at each other. As I said, it’s a shame and it’s hard not to feel that the show itself became a bit less interesting once Roarke and Tattoo stopped interacting.

As far as this week’s fantasies, they both feel somewhat familiar. There’s a comedic fantasy and a vaguely serious fantasy, both featuring actors who had previously appeared on the show in different roles. The comedic fantasy features Bob Denver as Morris Binstock who comes to the Island for a business retreat. Accompanying him is his son, Barney (Keith Coogan). Ever since the death of his wife, Morris has struggled to connect with his son. His fantasy is to become his son’s favorite comic book hero, Eagleman!

And he gets his wish. Roarke has set up an entire Eagleman secret headquarters in the closet of Morris’s room. Morris puts on the Eagleman costume and he does a flew klutzy things and he gets to fly. His son is happy. But is Morris devoting so much time to being Eagleman that he’s running the risk of losing a promotion at work? After all, a promotion would not only mean more money but it would also be something that would continue to exist, even after Morris left the Island. It looks like obnoxious Hal Ripley (Larry Storch) is going to get the promotion but when the company’s CEO, H.H. Moran (Jim Backus), discovers that Morris has been pretending to be Eagleman to make his son happy, Moran makes Morris vice president. H.H. Moran is all about family!

The more serious fantasy features Vernee Watson as Rochelle McKenzie, a reporter who is trying to track down Dr. Arthur Gates (Ralph Bellamy), a millionaire who vanished one day. Roarke explains that Dr. Gates has been spotted on the nearby Island of Mentu. Roarke warns her that the inhabitants of Mentu are not friendly and Rochelle will be putting her own life at risk if she goes to the island,

Rochelle still goes to the island and guess what? Roarke was not lying about those angry inhabitants. One of the men is horribly scarred. Another has to use a crutch but still growls at every human he sees. The island and the natives were exploited by a mining company and now, the natives distrust almost everyone they see. However, Dr. Gates has decided to dedicate his life to taking care of them. That’s a good thing because it turns out that the scarred native has a sick child and only Dr. Gates can provide the proper medical attention.

Both stories are fairly silly, though at least Rochelle’s story gives Ralph Bellamy a chance to take on the type of role that was usually given to Ray Milland. If you only know Bellamy as the guy who was constantly getting dumped for Cary Grant in the 30s and 40s, this episode allows Bellamy a chance to show that he could be a likable and authoritative actor. As for the Eagleman story, it was kind of uncomfortable to watch because Bob Denver looked like he was in his early 60s and it was hard not to worry about him seriously injuring himself whenever he put on the costume.

There’s an interesting moment in Rochelle’s fantasy, in which she tells Mr. Roarke that she feels foolish coming to the Island in pursuit of a “fantasy.” She feels that she’s being childish but Roarke explains that fantasies are not childish and that one should always pursue their dreams. Whether it was intentional or not, this scene serves as a mission statement for the entire series. Yes, Fantasy Island was frequently silly and childish but, in the end, it still resonates because people will always have dreams and they will always have fantasies. There will always be a place for Fantasy Island.

Horror Film Review: Waxwork (dir by Anthony Hickox)

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

First released in 1988, Waxwork asks the audience with a very important question.

Let’s say that you and your best friend were walking to school one day when you suddenly noticed a gigantic mansion that you had never seen before, sitting in the middle of your neighborhood. And what if a tall, somewhat sinister Englishman (played by David Warner, none the less) suddenly appeared out of nowhere and told you that the mansion was actually a waxwork. And what if that Englishman than invited you to come to the waxwork at midnight and specifically asked you to come in a group of 6. Would you do it?

Now, I know that your first instinct is to say, “Of course, I wouldn’t!” That’s the type of answer that we’ve been conditioned to give because no one wants to admit that they can be as dumb as a character in a horror movie. But really, I would go. Especially if, like the characters in Waxwork, I was a teenager. (Actually, most of the characters in Waxwork are described as being college students but they all act like high school students and their college appears to be a high school so draw your own conclusions.) When you’re a certain age, you feel like you’re immortal and an invitation to hang out in a creepy building with a bunch of strangers at midnight feels totally reasonable.

Anyway, four rich kids — Mark (Zach Galligan), China (Michelle Johnson), Sarah (Deborah Foreman), and Tony (Dana Ashbrook, a year before he was cast as Laura Palmer’s boyfriend in Twin Peaks) — visit the waxwork at midnight. What they discover is that the building is full of macabre exhibits that recreate various moments from horror history. There’s werewolves, vampires, and Jack the Ripper. There’s also the Marquis de Sade, a figure that the seemingly innocent Sarah becomes fascinated with. And, as two of the visitors discover, stepping past the red rope and entering an exhibit transports them into an alternate world where they become the victim of the star of each display.

Not surprisingly, the film is at its best when imagining the world inside each exhibit. Each exhibit has its own backstory and its own set of guest stars. John Rhys-Davies shows up as a werewolf. Miles O’Keeffe is a properly urbane Count Dracula. J. Kenneth Campbell plays the Marquis de Sade, who the film imagines as a swashbuckling sadist. That said, I think the most effectively frightening exhibit was one that featured no special guest stars but a very determined and very strong mummy.

What’s going on at the waxwork!? As explained by Sir Wilfred (Patrick Macnee, bringing some welcome wit and style to the film), it’s all a part of a scheme to bring the most evil beings ever back into existence so that they can conquer the world. It’s important that none of the waxworks be allowed to enter the real world and soon, Sir Wilfred and his ragtag army are laying siege to the waxwork and bringing things to an apocalyptic conclusion. The final battle is a bit haphazardly edited and it’s impossible to really keep track of who is fighting on which side. (Indeed, I’m still not sure where Sir Wilfred even found his army.) But it does feature plenty of in-jokes for horror fans, including a cameo appearance by the carnivorous plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

Waxwork is entertaining film. It doesn’t take itself particularly seriously and, indeed, Mark, China, Sarah, Tony, and all of their friends feel as if they could just as easily have been found in the pages of a Bret Easton Ellis novel about pretty but vapid alcoholics. Mark is the type who gets his maid to write his term papers. Tony just wants to drink (but, because he’s played by the adorable Dana Ashbrook, he’s still the most likable character in the film). China says, “I do what I want, when I want,” when confronted about cheating on her boyfriend. Sarah is the “innocent” one but just seeing the words “Marquis de Sade” causes her to swoon. Dropping these four idiots into a situation where the fate of the world is at stake feels like a wonderfully sardonic cosmic joke.

In the end, the true pleasure of Waxwork is watching old pros like David Warner, Patrick Macnee, and the exhibit guest stars hamming it up. Macnee, in particular, seems to enjoy leading the final charge against the forces of evil and, indeed, it’s hard not to wish that he had even more screen time than he did. David Warner, meanwhile, rolls his eyes at just how difficult it can be to bring the 18 most evil figure in history back to life. It’s hard work but I guess someone has to do it!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”

Posted on July 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week’s episode is saved by the one and only Herve Villechaize.

Episode 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on October 5th, 1979)

Fantasy Island is going to be hosting a marathon competition so Tattoo decides to greet Mr. Roarke while carrying a replica of the Olympic Torch.

Tattoo proceeds to light a huge flame in a cauldron. A group of Islanders start trying to splash water on the fire, leading to Tattoo yelling at them to leave the flame alone. Mr. Roarke, who appears to be even more disgusted than usual with Tattoo’s antics, barks at his assistant to put on his tuxedo and head down to the docks so that they can greet their guests.

Bunny Kelly (Barbi Benton), Gretchen Wasserman (Arlene Golanka), and Olaf Olafsen (Peter Isacksen) have all come to the Island so that Olaf can compete in the marathon and hopefully win enough money to keep their barbell factory open. (Don’t blame me, I didn’t write this script.) When Olaf is injured while trying to lift some weights, Bunny enters the marathon in his place! (At first, Bunny tries to disguise herself as Olaf but, when that doesn’t work, Mr. Roarke declares that Bunny can compete as herself.)

Can Bunny defeat the men who have shown up to run the marathon? Well, it won’t be easy. Bruno Glass (Bruce M. Fischer) is so evil that he often stops in the middle of the race so that he can laugh at everyone else’s misfortune. Helping out Bruno is his trainer, Dr. R.M. Funk (Dick Martin). Using techniques that would be more appropriate for a cartoon, Bruno sabotages the other racers. Somehow, Bruno is able to do this despite the fact that the entire race is being televised live to the world. Fear not! With the help of friendly competitor Eugene (Paul Petersen), Kitty makes it to the finish line. When both Kitty and Eugene sprain an ankle towards the finish line, they carry each other to a tied victory! The factory is saved and everyone falls in love!

As you have probably already guessed, the whole marathon was pretty stupid. There really didn’t seem to be any sort of set rules as to how the marathon would be run. Olaf and Gretchen grabbed a car and drove alongside Kitty for most of the race. Meanwhile, Dr. Funk was somehow able to commit numerous acts of open sabotage without anyone noticing. Because Dr. Funk and Bruno were so cartoonish, it made it difficult to take seriously the possibility that they might win. There was no suspense whatsoever, which made for a pretty boring fantasy.

I preferred the episode’s other story, in which Tattoo was placed in charge of finding a family to adopt an orphaned baby. At first, Tattoo wanted to adopt the baby himself but eventually, he realized that the child would be better off with Thomas (Joshua Gallegos) and Mary (BarBara Luna), two Islanders who already had a large family and who had more experience taking care of babies. There was nothing surprising about the story but seriously, Herve Villechaize’s portrayal of Tattoo’s dilemma was surprisingly touching. While Villechaize was notoriously difficult on the set of Fantasy Island, he also used his fame to speak out in support of abused and neglected children and he really seemed to be put his heart into this episode of Fantasy Island. When Tattoo said that he wanted to make sure the baby had the best and most loving home possible, one got the feeling that he was speaking for Villechaize as well.

So, this was yet another mixed episode of Fantasy Island. Ultimately, it was saved by the sincerity of Herve Villechaize.

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for Let’s Get Harry!

Posted on October 7, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter. I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie! Every week, we get together. We watch a movie. We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix! The movie? 1986’s Let’s Get Harry!

When Mark Harmon is taken hostage, the U.S. Government proves that it was just as worthless in 1986 as it is in 2022! Fortunately, Harmon’s friends are going to let him be forgotten. Enter Robert Duvall as a soldier of fortune! This film also features Glenn Frey, Rick Rossovich, Thomas F. Wilson, Gary Busey, and David Hess! Director Stuart Rosenberg requested to be credited as Alan Smithee. That’s always a good sign, right?

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag! I’ll be there tweeting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well. It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Let’s Get Harry is available on Prime!

See you there!