Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

Posted on April 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles! This week, we’ve got stripping and boxing!

Episode 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on February 10th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo is wearing a monocle because his cousin Igor has discovered that they are descended from royalty. Roarke is not impressed. Indeed, he seems to be genuinely angered by Tattoo’s suggestion that he’s somehow better than him.

As for the fantasies, first off the plane is Maureen Banning (Laraine Stephens). Maureen is a runaway heiress. Her father doesn’t want her to marry a poet named Barnaby (William Beckley) so she has snuck off to Fantasy Island so that she can get married over the weekend. Unfortunately, her father’s private detectives have followed her to the island. In a panic, Maureen hops onto the first bus that she sees. It turns out the bus is the tour bus for a burlesque show and the show’s manager, Russ McCoy (Michael Callan), has a fantasy that concerns bringing the show to Broadway. Maureen is mistaken for a famous burlesque dancer. Fortunately, Sheba Palumbo (Mamie Van Doren) and Betty (Beverly Powers) are avid tabloid readers and they immediately recognize Maureen as the runaway heiress. They agree to teach her how to dance so that she can stay on the island and marry Barnaby. Except, of course, Maureen is now starting to feel more attracted to Russ….

This fantasy was okay. I enjoyed the dancing and I also enjoyed thinking about how much Gary Loggins would have enjoyed watching his favorite actress, Mamie Van Doren, teach Maureen all the moves. I think the main problem with this fantasy is that, even after she ran way, Maureen never seemed to be in control of her own fate. The appeal of dancing on stage, whether you’re an old school burlesque performer or a modern-day stripper, is that it gives you all the power but, for Maureen, it just seemed like something to do until she finally got around to getting married.

The other fantasy involves Billy Blake (Ben Murphy), a boxer who only has three years to live. He wants a chance to fight the other leading leading championship contender. Even though the fight will be unofficial, Billy just wants a chance to show that, if not for his fatal disease, he could have been a champ. Of course, if he takes too many hits to the head, Billy could die in the ring. Billy is okay with that until he discovers that his former high school girlfriend, Jennie Collins (Maureen McCormick), is working on the Island. Billy’s trainer (Forrest Tucker) tells Jennie to stay away from Billy and Jennie is ashamed of all of the “things” she did when she ran off to Hollywood to try to become a star. (Like starring on The Brady Bunch Hour, perhaps….) But, in the end, Billy realizes that his real fantasy is to spend his last remaining years with Jennie. Personally, I found myself wondering why Billy didn’t consider a fantasy where he was cured of his terminal but unnamed disease. Then he could both be champion and spend the rest of his life with Jennie.

There weren’t many surprises with this fantasy but Ben Murphy and Maureen McCormick were an undeniably cute couple. I hope they had many good times before Billy’s agonizing and tragic death.

Next week …. John Saxon comes to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.16 “Photographs/Royal Flush”

Posted on April 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles! Especially you, Tattoo!

Episode 2.16 “Photographs/Royal Flush”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on January 27th, 1979)

After announcing the arrival of the plane, Tattoo informs Mr. Roarke that he is reading a book on hypnotism.

“Ah, it’s hypnotism now,” Roarke replies, “To what end?”

Tattoo looks at a passing native girl as the cameraman gives the viewers a close-up of her sarong-covered behind.

Okay, 1979. We see ya.

The less interesting of this week’s two fantasies involves the Fantasy Island poker tournament. (Fantasy Island reminds a bit of Hell’s Kitchen, in that there’s always some weird theme night.) Johnny Court (John Rubinstein) is an up-and-coming player whose fantasy is to play against the greatest poker player of all time, Victor Holly (John McIntire). Johnny has borrowed a good deal of money from a group of gangsters in order to enter the tournament so, if Johnny doesn’t win, guess who is getting his fingers broken?

Complicating matters is that Victor travels with his daughter, Emily (Ronne Troup). It doesn’t take long for Johnny to realize that Emily is helping Victor cheat but Johnny has also fallen in love with Emily. To save his own life, he has to defeat Emily’s father but, if he does so, that’ll mean Victor will no longer have the money necessary to support his daughter.

This fantasy wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t particularly interesting either. Rubinstein, McIntire, and Troup all gave good performances but the poker scenes were a bit draggy. Perhaps it would have been more interesting to me if I was a poker player myself. But I prefer craps, just because you get to jump up and down before rolling the dice.

The second fantasy was a bit more intruding. Nancy Weston (Michele Lee) is photographer who has just returned from a trip to Europe and Asia, where she took many pictures. When she got the pictures developed, she discovered that a mysterious girl appeared in almost all of the pictures, even though it would have been impossible for the girl to have followed her all the way from Stonehenge to Thailand without Nancy noticing. Nancy’s fantasy is to know who the girl is and why she’s following her.

The girl shows up on Fantasy Island. Her name is Allison (Elizabeth Cheshire) and, as Roarke explains, Allison is not only the daughter of a powerful psychic but she also has the power to speak to the dead as well. And it turns out that one of the dead has a message for Nancy….

This fantasy was really well-done and nicely creepy. At heart, it was a pretty basic ghost story but Michele Lee and Elizabeth Cheshire both gave good performances and some of the imagery — particularly of a white horse running in slow motion through a green field — was surprisingly effective.

All in all, one mild but well-acted fantasy and one memorably creepy fantasy came together and added up to one good episode of Fantasy Island! These are the type of episodes that we fantasize about.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”

Posted on March 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week is all about deception.

Episode 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on January 20th, 1979)

Brian Kehoe (Hugh O’Brian) is from Texarkana. In his youth, he was a rodeo rider but now he’s a broken-down old man who works as a rodeo clown. He’s one of the best in the business and every rodeo rider on Fantasy Island swears that Brian has saved their lives multiple times. (There’s a surprisingly large amount of rodeo people on Fantasy Island.) However, Brian is deeply ashamed of just being a clown. In fact, he’s spent his life telling his 11 year-old son, Tommy (Johnny Timko), that he’s the greatest rodeo champion of all time.

Brian’s fantasy is to be just that. He’s spending the weekend with his son on Fantasy Island and he wants everyone to treat him like he’s a world famous rodeo star. However, when he realizes that Tommy wants to see him in action, Brian realizes that he’s going to do have to ride a bull himself. Unfortunately, Brian just can’t do it. He’s old and out-of-practice. So, he and his friends try to play a little trickery on Johnny. Brian explains that he always wears a bandana over the lower half of his face whenever he rides. When Tommy is cheering for his father, little does he realize he’s actually cheering for one of his father’s friends. But when one the real riders is put in danger, Brian has no choice but to reveal the truth. Of course, that was Mr. Roarke’s plan all along.

This was an okay fantasy. I appreciated the fact that everyone pronounced rodeo correctly. There weren’t any Yankees wandering around talking about the “roe-day-o.” Hugh O’Brian did a good job of portraying the sadness beneath Brian’s confident façade. And, when Tommy first learns that his father has been lying to him, he has a very honest reaction. He is pissed off! It takes Tommy a while to forgive his father. This was a well-acted little fantasy, even if you never had any real doubt that things would eventually work out.

As for the other fantasy …. bleh. Jayne Meadows Allen plays Nadine Winslow, a woman who suffers from hypochondria. Her fantasy is to learn what’s wrong with her. She’s examined by a Dr. Van Helsing (Hans Conried), who informs her that she only has a few weeks to live. After Nadine leaves the exam room, we learn that Dr. Van Helsing is actually a waiter and it’s always been his fantasy to tell someone that they only have a few weeks to live. Between this guy and that Nazi POW camp a few weeks ago, I’m starting to doubt Roarke’s instincts.

Nadine’s new fantasy is to find a new wife for her husband, Harvey (Peter Lawford, who appears to be slightly hung over in most of his scenes). She settles on Monica (Sherry Jackson), whom Harvey meets during a bizarre Fantasy Island dating game that is hosted by a leering Mr. Roarke. Monica and Harvey seem like a good couple but then Nadine spots her doctor working as a waiter and she realizes that she’s not dying. So, she and Harvey get back together and, for some reason, they thank Mr. Roarke as opposed to suing him for emotional distress. That whole fantasy was just dumb.

So, this was a pretty uneven episode. I liked the rodeo stuff. I disliked the death stuff. That’s the way it usually goes.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.14 “Séance/The Treasure”

Posted on March 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Eve Plumb and Leslie Nielsen visit Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.14 “Séance/The Treasure”

(Dir by Larry Stewart, originally aired on January 13th, 1979)

Tattoo is a horse thief! He claims that he just found the horse while wandering around the island but later, he comes across a wanted poster that has his picture on it and the declaration that Tattoo is wanted dead or alive. Mr. Roarke gets a good laugh out of that and even repeats the words, “Dead or alive,” as if he’s realizing that he’s finally found a way to get rid of his assistant. Fortunately, Mr. Roarke has a change of heart and, at the end of the episode, buys the horse for Tattoo. Awwwww!

As for this week’s guests, Joe Capos (George Maharis) is a fisherman who has always wondered what it would be like to be a millionaire. Joe and his wife, Eva (Shelley Fabares), come to the island and find themselves set up in a house that looks exactly like the one where Joe grew up. One day, Joe goes out fishing and what should he find in his net but a gold statue of Triton blowing his horn! It’s a valuable artifact, one that could make Joe a millionaire if it is found to be authentic. Soon, Joe is surrounded by a bunch of people who are hoping to be on his good side when he becomes rich. He’s the most popular man on the island! Unfortunately, Joe is having so much fun being rich and popular that his neglected wife leaves him. Joe knows that the only way to get Eva back is to return the statue to the ocean but will he have the courage to give up wealth and fame for love?

Meanwhile, Eve Plumb plays — wait a minute, Eve Plumb? Just last week, Robert Reed was on the show, playing a method actor who thought he was a vampire. Now, the original Jan Brady has come to the island. I wonder if the entire Brady Bunch will eventually make it to Fantasy Island?

Plumb is playing Clare Conti, a young woman who suspects that her twin brother was murdered. In order to prove it, her fantasy is to have a séance and contact him. Her entire family comes to the Island for the séance, including Uncle Victor (Leslie Nielsen). This episode is Neilsen’s second appearance on the Fantasy Island and, again, he’s playing a very serious and a very somber character but, because he’s so deadpan about it, it’s hard not hear everything that he says as being a joke. It’s always great fun to see Nielsen playing humorless authority figures in the days before he became a comedy superstar. The only thing that would make this episode better would be if Nielsen turned out to be the murderer but sadly, he’s not. As for the rest of the fantasy, the séance scenes manage to strike the right balance between being creepy and being campy. Clare’s dead brother yells a lot but I guess that’s what you do when you’re trying to communicate from the beyond.

This was an enjoyable episode, featuring good performances from the guest stars and fantasies that were intriguing without demanding too much from the audience. This trip to Fantasy Island was more than worth it.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.13 “The Lady and the Longhorn/Vampire”

Posted on March 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Robert Reed turns into a vampire!

Episode 2.13 “The Lady and the Longhorn/Vampire”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on December 16th, 1978)

Tattoo is excited because Vera Templeton (Eva Gabor) is coming to the island. Vera is the glamorous owner of a cosmetics company and she is looking for a location to shoot a commercial for her makeup. Tattoo hopes that she’ll hire him to direct so he puts on a red beret to make him look more like a director. Mr. Roarke rolls his eyes, letting us know that he has no time for Tattoo’s foolishness. NOT THIS WEEK!

Actually, this turns out to be a very foolish week indeed. Vera Templeton is not just coming to the Island to shoot a commercial. She is on the verge of going bankrupt and needs to marry a rich man. She meets Hollis Buford, Jr. (Jack Elam), who wears a cowboy hat and picks his teeth and talks about the rodeo a lot but who is apparently a millionaire. He’s also supposed to be from Dallas. (I’m from Dallas and I can assure you that the cattle barons live in Fort Worth.) Vera flirts with Hollis by speaking in a painfully bad Southern accent. Vera and Hollis get engaged. Hollis seems to love Vera but Vera just wants his money and we are supposed to find this funny.

Vera’s bratty and annoying daughter (Tammy Lauren) doesn’t like Hollis, even though he seems like a perfectly well-meaning guy. So, she sells her stocks to Vera’s butler (Lloyd Bochner) and Vera marries her butler after telling Hollis that their marriage just won’t work out. “Dagnabbit,” Hollis says, “Now, I have to find another date to the rodeo.”

What an annoying fantasy. Not only did the humor fall flat but it was a bit mean-spirited as well.

Meanwhile, Leo Drake (Robert Reed) and his wife, Carmen (Julie Sommars) have come to the Island. Roarke explains that Leo is a method actor.

“That means he like to become the role that he plays,” Tattoo says, “Like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky.”

(And that is probably the only time in history that Robert Reed has even been compared to Sylvester Stallone.)

Leo has been cast in a remake of Dracula so he wants to live in an actual castle overlooking a village in Transylvania. Roarke obliges and soon, Leo is wandering the streets in the middle of the night and he’s developing fangs. Has he become a vampire or is the method getting the better of him? The villagers want to set him on fire but Roarke suggests that they just wait for the sun to rise. When the sun doesn’t destroy Leo, everyone realizes that he’s not a vampire and …. well, that’s that!

Yes, it’s painfully dumb but at least the episode features mild-mannered Robert Reed, with his gray perm and his aging porn star mustache, putting on a cape and wandering around a village at midnight. Reed is totally miscast but that gives this episode what little charm it has.

My fantasy is that next week’s episode will be better!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 2.12 “Charlie’s Cherubs/Stalag 3”

Posted on March 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Fantasy Island is invaded by Nazis and Angels!

Episode 2.3 “Charlie’s Cherubs/Stalag 3”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on December 9th, 1978)

Today’s episode begins with Mr. Roarke noticing that Tattoo is carrying a calculator with him.

“What is that, Tattoo?” he asks.

“A mini-computer,” Tattoo replies, “My cousin Igor sent it to me. Computers can take away a lot of guess work.”

Mr. Roarke, obviously thinking that these “computer” things are but a mere fad, replies, “So can bikinis. Let us meet our guests.”

This week, all of the guests have dangerous fantasies. For instance, Danny Ryan (Cornel Wilde) is a World War II veteran who has never really been able to make it in the post-War world. So, he invites three fellow vets to return with him to the French town in which they spent 1944. During the War, they were POWS at Stalag 3 but they were famous for continually outsmarting Commandant Horst Von Stern (Nehemiah Persoff). In fact, Von Stern’s career and reputation never really recovered from the time that Danny and his friends escaped. (I imagine that, after the war, Von Stern’s reputation was also damaged by the fact that he was a freaking Nazi commandant.) Not only has Mr. Roarke arranged for the old French village — complete with Fifi of the Resistance (played by Yvonne DeCarlo) — to be moved to Fantasy Island but he also brought over the old POW camp. Unfortunately, Von Stern decides to come over as well and get his revenge by tossing Danny and friends back in the camp.

“You see,” Von Stern announces, “generals have fantasies too.”

What the Hell is going on with this Island? Does Mr. Roarke just give anyone a fantasy, even a Nazi war criminal? Actually, it appears that Mr. Roarke doesn’t know that Von Stern has come to the Island nor does he know that there is a treasure of stolen diamonds hidden in the village. Apparently, Roarke decided to just let this fantasy run on autopilot without actually bothering to check in with what was going on.

Both Mr. Roarke and Tattoo are more concerned with the three secretaries (Melinda Naud, Brenda Benet, and Bond Gideon) who want to be Charlie’s Angels and solve a crime. The crime involves a theft on Fantasy Island and …. well, it’s really not much of a mystery. It’s basically a 20-minutes episode of Charlie’s Angels, with a bit less action but a lot more scenes of people saying stuff like, “He knows about electronics so he’s the thief!” It was really a weak fantasy, which is a shame because, if I ever went to Fantasy Island, I would probably want to be a detective as well!

The show ends with Von Stern being sent to Germany to be put on trial for war crimes and the Angels saying that they’re ready to be secretaries again. Roarke informs them that most angels fantasize about being secretaries. Uhmmm, Mr. Roarke …. the proper term is administrative professional. Everything appears to be wrapped up but, as the show ends, Tattoo announces that someone has stolen his mini-computer and Mr. Roarke laughs at his assistant’s misfortune. Perhaps Tattoo losing his most prized possession was Roarke’s fantasy.

This was a weird episode. Mr. Roarke might need to pay closer attention to what’s happening on his island!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”

Posted on February 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles everyone! Smiles!

Episode 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”

(Dir by Georg Stanford Brown, Originally aired on December 2nd, 1978)

Tattoo has come up with a new way to become a millionaire! He’s invented a sleeping bag that he claims can hold two people. Mr. Roarke is a bit skeptical that the small roll of material that Tattoo is holding could possibly be big enough to hold two people. Tattoo tells him that all he has to do is remove a key and the material will inflate. Roarke removes the key and several feathers explode into the air. Tattoo shrugs and says that he obviously has to get back to the drawing board.

“Inventor indeed,” Mr. Roarke says, in a tone that suggests that the only he reason he’s not physically killing Tattoo is because it’s time for them to greet their guests.

(Why is Tattoo always trying to make extra money? Does Fantasy Island not pay well?)

This week, the fantasies are all about reliving the past. Charlie Parks (Phil Silvers) and Will Fields (Phil Harris) used to be stars on Vaudeville but, like so many of the old time entertainers, they’ve now found themselves forgotten. Charlie’s even been put in a nursing home. Still, he manages to make the trip to Fantasy Island, where his fantasy is to be reunited with Will so that they can try to bring Vaudeville back to life.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work. Tattoo loves their corny old jokes but when they perform for a larger audience, they only get a few pity chuckles. Dejected, Charlie plans to return to his retirement home when he and Will are approached by a man who claims that he works for the city of Baltimore. (Oh no! Run!) The man explains that he wants to hire Charlie and Will to perform at nursing homes, where their old-fashioned routines will enliven the golden years of people who don’t like loud music and R-rated movies. Charlie and Will agree. Yay!

Meanwhile, Dorothy Weller (Carol Lynley) is a woman who has spent the past few months in a coma. Now, she’s not sure if the man she thought she loved really existed or if he was just someone she dreamed up while she was in the hospital. Mr. Roarke arranges for her to travel to a recreation of the same Mexican town where she met the mystery man. She finds her former lover, Tom Parnell (Stuart Whitman), on the beach. Tom explains that he is real and he is in love with her. He’s also a spy and there’s an international assassin (an appropriately sinister Luke Askew) after him!

This episode was kind of a mixed bag. The Vaudeville fantasy featured charming performances from Phil Silvers and Phil Harris but their jokes were never quite as funny as Tattoo seemed to think that they were. The spy fantasy was not helped by the casting of the reliably dull Stuart Whitman but the story itself was intriguing and Carol Lynley gave a believable and emotional performance as Dorothy. The end result was a thoroughly pleasant but not altogether memorable trip to Fantasy Island. But really, when it comes to Fantasy Island, hasn’t the appeal always been just how pleasant everything is?

Well, except for the relationship between Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, of course. I still suspect Tattoo is secretly plotting to kill Mr. Roarke and take over the island. Who knows? Maybe that’ll be a future episode. We’ll find out soon!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.10 “The Flight of the Great Yellow Bird” / “The Island of Lost Women”

Posted on February 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles! It’s time to search for Bigfoot!

Episode 2.11 “The Flight of the Great Yellow Bird / The Island of Lost Women”

(Dir by Joseph Pevney, originally aired on November 25th, 1978)

This week’s episode is all about people looking for things.

Tattoo, for instance, is looking for success on the stock market. He thinks he’s got a hot tip on how to make a lot of money. Mr. Roarke rolls his eyes when Tattoo speaks about it. Obviously, Mr. Roarke has heard a lot about Tattoo’s hot tips and he’s given up on pretending to have any respect whatsoever for his loyal assistant. Later, Mr. Roarke will order Tattoo to get his stock ticker out of the office. One gets the feeling that, much like Joseph P. Kennedy in the 1920s, only Mr. Roarke will be smart enough to escape the collapse of the world’s economy.

(Legend has it that Joseph Kennedy — father of the Kennedy children — got out of the Stock Market when the guy who was shining his shoes started giving him stock tips. Kennedy figured that if even the shoe shine guy was playing the market, that meant there were too many deals being made. Kennedy turned out to be correct and, as a result, his family suffered not at all during the Great Depression. Of course, after the Great Depression, there would be suffering all around.)

While Tattoo looks for money, this week’s guests look for ancient legends.

For instance, Barney Shore (Robert Morse) is a sailor who spent two years on an atomic submarine.

“He went two years without seeing a woman!?” Tattoo says, “Boss, what did he do?”

Well, what do you think he did!? Mr. Roarke, being a gentleman, says that Barney spent all of his time reading and researching legends of an island that was populated only by women. Barney’s fantasy is to discover the island and indeed, he does. Barney is dropped off on a tropical island that is populated by women who all dress as if they’re extras in an Italian Hercules movie.

Unfortunately, for Barney, Queen Delphia (Cyd Charisse), has very strict rules about men on the island. Only one man is allowed to be around the women per year. That man is crowned the Harvest King and his job is to …. well, make sure that the population continues to grow. Of course, once the Harvest King has done his job, there’s no reason to keep him around and he’s sacrificed. Barney falls in love with one of the women and he convinces the rest of the tribe that it’s okay for men and women to live together on the same island. Good for Barney….

“But what about Bigfoot!?”

I hear you, I’m getting to him. Barney’s a nice guy and I’m glad he survived his trip to the island but obviously, the main attraction here is to watch Peter Graves play the world-renowned adventurer Singapore Eddie Malone. Eddie comes to Fantasy Island to give a lecture about his hunt for Bigfoot. However, he’s hired to help Prof. Smith-Myles (Barbara Rush) explore an isolated area of the island where Bigfoot may indeed live. Eddie is here to help the professor experience her fantasy of finding Bigfoot while Eddie’s fantasy is to be a true explorer and everyone’s fantasy comes to true! Of course, Eddie is also an old friend of Rourke’s and, at the end of the episode, Tattoo suggests that maybe the whole thing was just Roarke’s fantasy to make Eddie feel better about his life.

But what about Bigfoot!?

The actual Bigfoot doesn’t really get much screen time, sorry. Then again, I think that’s why Bigfoot is so intriguing. He’s elusive! He’s fun to search for. He’s fun to talk about. But spending too much time with him would just take away the mystery. Besides, who needs Bigfoot when you have Peter Graves glowering and doing his whole “international man of mystery” routine?

This was a silly episode and both stories felt a bit rushed but Peter Graves gave such a grave, deep-voiced performance that the episode was still entertaining. Hopefully, Bigfoot will return!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 2.9 “The Appointment/Mr. Tattoo”

Posted on February 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Tattoo finally gets his chance to be in charge!

Episode 2.10 “The Appointment/Mr. Tattoo”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on November 18th, 1978)

This week’s episode opens with Tattoo in a very good mood. Apparently, Mr. Roarke has promised Tattoo that Tattoo will someday get a chance to be in charge of a guest’s fantasy and Tattoo has decided that he is now ready to take on that responsibility! As is typical of this show, Roarke responds to Tattoo’s enthusiasm by pretending to not remember what Tattoo is talking about. Tattoo not only has to explain their deal but he literally has to beg Roarke to uphold his part of the bargain. Roarke smiles at Tattoo’s excitement and says, in a tone that suggests the opposite, “I can hardly wait.”

(In many ways, Tattoo has the same relationship with Roarke that Nick Nack had with Scaramanga in The Man With The Golden Gun. There’s a lot of passive-aggressive resentment to be found in every exchange between the two.)

Tattoo is in charge of granting the fantasies of Dee Dee (Barbi Benton) and near-sighted Evelyn Kastenbaum (Connie Stevens). Dee Dee and Evelyn are Vegas showgirls who want to marry millionaires. Tattoo hires two lounge singers, Jack (Troy Donahue) and Bernie (Fred Grandy), and instructs them to write a Broadway musical that will star Dee Dee and Evelyn. Investors will come to the Island to see about investing in the show and surely, two of them will fall in love with Dee Dee and Evelyn!

It sounds like a great plan! Way to go, Tattoo!

The only problem is that Dee Dee and Evelyn end up falling in love with Jack and Bernie. In fact, during the musical’s big wedding number, the four of them are married by a minister who, Roarke explains, has always had a fantasy about appearing in a musical. Tattoo is upset. He says that he failed to grant the girls their fantasies. But then Roarke explains that Bernie and Jack are actually millionaire playwrights who came to the island to fulfill their fantasy of writing a musical. It all works out, even if it does appear that Tattoo was actually never really in charge of the fantasy.

While this is going on, Dr. John Carlson (Bert Convy) has a fantasy about meeting with a big financial backer and getting the money to build a hospital that will be named after himself. However, while trying to drive to the meeting, John comes across a Fantasy Islander (Nancy Kwan) who is in the middle of a very difficult labor. It turns out that her village only has one doctor and he’s away. To save her life, Dr. Carlson will not only have to miss his meeting but he will also have to rediscover the joy of taking care of patients on a one-on-one basis.

(Why did all of the native Fantasy Islanders live in remote villages with so few modern resources? Did Mr. Roarke just not care about them?)

Oh no, Dr. Carlson didn’t get his fantasy! But don’t worry. It turns out that Dr. Carlson’s wife (Tasha Noble) had a fantasy that the doctor would finally rediscover his love for medicine and that their marriage would improve. So, at least someone got what they wanted!

Dr. Carlson’s fantasy was fairly predictable but the stuff with the showgirls, the playwrights, and the Broadway show was actually pretty cute. It was definitely silly but Fantasy Island is at its best when its silly. Plus, Mr. Tattoo finally got his fantasy. Yay!

It was a fun episode.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.8 “Return/The Toughest Man Alive”

Posted on February 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mr. Roarke falls in love!

Episode 2.9 “Return/The Toughest Man Alive”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 11th, 1978)

As usual, this episode of Fantasy Island starts out with a little Tattoo drama. After announcing the arrival of the plane, Tattoo informs Mr. Roarke that someone has stolen Tattoo’s car. Mr. Roarke has his doubts that anyone would steal a car on Fantasy Island but Tattoo points out that his designated parking space is empty.

Mr. Roarke informs Tattoo that he must be mistaken and that his car will eventually show up. And yes, the car does eventually show up. About halfway through the episode, two chimpanzees drive by in it. It’s a bizarre little scene, one that is neither explained nor really resolved at the end of the episode. I guess the chimpanzees just decided that they liked Tattoo’s car. To be honest, this entire plotline made me feel bad for Herve Villechaize as the joke’s punch line seemed to be that Herve was so small that even a chimpanzee could drive his car. From what I’ve read. Villechaize was often times not happy on the set of Fantasy Island and I imagine that jokes like that undoubtedly had something to do with it.

But enough about Tattoo’s car! It’s time to learn who is having a fantasy this week!

Usually, the show’s fantasies are thematically connected but that’s not the case this week. Indeed, neither one of the fantasies seems to go with the other and I actually found myself wondering if maybe the two fantasies had been meant for different episodes but, for whatever reason, were instead edited into this episode.

The first fantasy involves Samantha Eggar as a fashion designer who returns to Fantasy Island after having previously visited four years ago. During her first visit, Eggar’s fantasy was to become a designer and to fall in love. While she became a designer, she did not end up with the man of her dreams so Roarke is giving her a second chance. The twist is that she’s in love with Mr. Roarke! And Roarke is in love with her! To Tattoo’s shock, the two of them plan to get married on the Island. But then, the designer realizes that she has responsibilities in the real world and apparently, marrying Mr. Roarke means staying on the Island. So, the marriage is called off. Mr. Roarke’s heart is broken …. or is it? As I watched the episode, I found myself wondering if Mr. Roarke really loved her or if he was just giving her a chance to have her fantasy. Ricardo Montalban’s enigmatic performance kept things ambiguous.

One thing that bothered me about this fantasy is that Mr. Roarke potentially getting married felt like a pretty big plotline to be confined to just half of a one-hour show. It seemed like this should have been a special episode with just one fantasy. Instead, because there’s a second fantasy, there’s several odd scenes of Roarke taking a break from planning his wedding so that he can encourage Red Buttons to defeat a bunch of pirates. Buttons is cast as an engineer who wants to be a hero in the style of Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson. Roarke gives him super-strength, which is not something that Eastwood or Bronson ever had. But whatever! Buttons is recruited to protect a bunch of islanders from some pirates. But Roarke abruptly takes away Buttons’s super strength and, instead, Buttons has to use his engineering knowledge to defeat the pirates. It’s kind of silly, to be honest.

This episode raised a lot of questions about the nature of the Island and Roarke himself. Mr. Roarke rules over the island and apparently, he has to remain on the Island. But, at the same time, he apparently can’t be bothered to stop a bunch of pirates from harassing the native’s inhabitants and instead, he gives temporary super strength to an otherwise meek engineer. Maybe the engineer could have gotten Tattoo’s car away from those chimpanzees. While all of this is going on, Roarke also ends up falling in love with a mortal who never stops to ask, “Hey, are you an angel or something?” It’s an odd episode and a vaguely disappointing one, as neither one of the stories is that deeply explored.

Oh well! There’s always next week!