For the past few months, I’ve been watching and reviewing episodes of the original Fantasy Island. One of the keys to that show’s success was the enigmatic partnership between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo. Even though it’s usually pretty easy to see that Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize did not like each other, their exchanges are usually the highlight of any episode. Of course, after years of high ratings and television fame, Villechaize was fired from Fantasy Island when he demanded more money. Without Tattoo, the series was canceled after one season so …. well, they probably should have just given him the money.
Anyway, one thing that I recently discovered about Herve Villechaize is that he had a musical career! In 1981, at the height of the show’s popularity, he released a song called “Why?” It’s all about trying to understand why people have to fight and why people cannot just accept the wisdom of peace-loving children. The video at the top of this post was recorded for a TV show on which Villechaize appeared. Unfortunately, I don’t know which show it was for and the video upload itself is not the best quality. Apparently, the split-screen visual effect that gives us two Herves singing at once was a part of the show.
That said, this is as close as we have to an actual music video for Herve Villechaize’s Why? so I’m sharing with it. What better way to start a new year than with a plea for peace?
Welcome to my final week in television for 2022! I spent most of the past week with my sister Megan and her family. We probably watched the news more than anything else, what with that guys getting arrested for committing those murders in Idaho. Here’s some thoughts on the non-news programming that we watched.
1923 (Paramount+)
On Tuesday, my sister Megan and I watched the first two episodes of the latest Yellowstone prequel. It wasn’t bad, though I do have to admit that I was only half-paying attention to it. Harrison Ford is ideally cast as an aging western icon.
California Dreams (YouTube)
Megan and I love this show and we watched several episodes this week. The reviews will be available every Saturday!
The Circle (Netflix)
I swore to myself that I was not going to allow myself to get sucked into another stupid reality show but then, on Wednesday, I decided to just take a quick peek to discover what The Circle was like. I wasn’t planning on watching much of the latest season. I just wanted to get maybe a 5-minute sample.
Of course, as soon as the show started, I discovered the Brett was on the show. Brett was a part of Big Brother 20. He was a total jerk but he was honest about it and he was frequently one of the funniest people in the house. He was the type of bad boy that I’ve always had a weakness for. As well, his betrayal of Rockstar (yes, that was the name she used in the House) led to the classic moment of Rockstar yelling about how she had been betrayed on “my daughter’s birthday!”
Anyway, Brett was one of the first people voted out of the Circle but, fortunately, he and Xanthi are still secretly playing the game. Brett and Xanthi are a cute couple and if we don’t see some sort of evidence of them hooking up by the end of next week, I can only assume that the show is hiding it from us.
Also, one of the contestants is a British comedian named Tom. He mentioned that he lived in the Tower of the London. “I’ve never heard of the Tower of London,” the other contestants said while I screamed internally. Anyway, Tom’s adorable.
Despite my best efforts, I’ve been sucked into The Circle.
Dragnet (YouTube)
I watched two episodes of this 1960s cop show on Thursday. One featured Joe Friday on a talk show, where he debated a snide hippy and a pompous professor. The other featured Friday taking a class at night school and justifying his decision to arrest one of his classmates for possessing marijuana. Welcome to the 60s!
Late Saturday night, I experienced New Year’s 1983! It was a bit trippy.
Upstart Crow (Sunday Night, PBS)
On Sunday night, my sister Megan and I watched all of the Upstart Crow Christmas specials. I had already seen them but I enjoyed introducing them to my sister.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week is all about romance and total defiance!
Episode 3.4 “Blind Dates”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 1st, 1994)
Oh my God, Sly has been talking to a girl on a brand new thing called the Internet! When he meets Allison (played, quite well, by Nikki Cox), he is shocked to discover that she’s blind. Allison brings out Sly’s rarely seen good side and Allison appreciates that Sly is too much of a jackass to treat her differently just because she’s blind. At first, Sly is worried about taking her to the school dance but then he takes her anyway. Yay!
Meanwhile, Tony and Sam also get on the internet and both of them think that they’ve found their soul mate. But it turns out that they’ve just been talking to each other. By the end of this episode, Tony and Sam have begun their relationship. This is a huge moment in the history of California Dreams because, in the end, Tony and Sam had most (and maybe the only) stable relationship on the show.
Unfortuntely, as we’ll see next week, things wouldn’t last as long for Sly and Allison, which is a shame because Nikki Cox and Michael Cade had tons of onscreen chemistry and they were a sweet couple. Oh well. Such is life.
Episode 3.5 “Yoko, oh no!”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 8th, 1994)
It’s time for another Battle of the Bands!
In this episode, we meets the Dreams’s rival band, Total Defiance. We’re supposed to dislike Total Defiance because they’re constantly making fun of the Dreams and their manager is an obnoxious girl named Rosie who has a crush on Mark Winkle. The thing is that Total Defiance, which appears to be a rap/heavy metal hybrid band, actually does appear to be a lot better than the Dreams. From what little of what we’re allowed to hear from them, their sound is a bit more interesting than the California Dreams. I mean, let’s be honest. The California Dreams did have a few good songs but, for the most part, Rosie has a point when she says that the Dreams are a generic pop band. Jake may wear a leather jacket and talk about being a rebel but, even after Matt Garrison leaves the band that he founded, the Dreams still specialized in coming up with mellow, feel-good tunes that really could have been sung by anyone. Total Defiance was all about taking risks. They were the true rebels!
They were also all about giving the Dreams a hard time. When Rosie dismisses Lorena as just being a “groupie,” Lorena tries to prove them wrong by auditioning for the band. The good thing is that she gets to wear a really pretty dress when she auditions. The bad thing is that she can’t carry a tune. (See? There’s something else that Lorena and I have in common.) Blinded by love, Jake insists that Lorena be allowed to sing with the band. However, when Lorena hears the rest of the band talking about how bad her voice is, she fakes laryngitis so they’ll perform without her. As a result, the Dreams not only win the Battle of the Bands but everyone also learns an important lesson about being honest. Yay!
I liked this episode because it was a Jake and Lorena episode and those are always my favorites. They were a cute couple. That said, Total Defiance should have won the Battle of the Bands and if Tony Manero had been there, he would have handed the trophy to them at the end of the contest.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
The Cast of One World
Wow, I’m nearly done with this show! Yay!
Episode 3.9 “Jane Cops Out”
(directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 18th, 2000)
Ugh. It’s a Jane episode. I actually liked Jane during the first season and for the first half of the second season but she’s been pretty much unbearable during the third season. There’s a difference between being edgy and just being annoyingly rude. Of course, if I was living with the Blakes, I’d probably develop a bit of a bad attitude as well.
Anyway, in this episode, Jane gets a job at a SCUBA gear store and starts dating the owner’s grandson, a rookie cop! Jane is copping out …. oh wait, that’s what the title says! Jane freaks out over dating a cop because she’s a former criminal. The cop freaks out because all of his coworkers have arrested Jane in the past. Jane being a criminal is a bit like Neal being a genius or Ben being an alcoholic, in that it’s one of those plot points that’s never really been that convincing but which the show tends to randomly bring up.
In the B-plot, Dave’s snoring is keeping everyone awake. Eh, who cares?
Episode 3.10 “Marci’s In Hot Salsa”
(directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 25th, 2000)
I’ve often stated that Sui is my favorite character on this show. Marci is a close second. Unfortunately, Marci rarely seems to get to do much. With this episode, she finally get to be at the center of the main plot but it turns out that the plot is pretty much lifted from the “Dancing Isn’t Everything” episode of California Dreams.
Feeling that she doesn’t have any one thing that she’s good at and worried that she’s destined to be the average member of the family, Marci decides to make dancing her thing. She enters a salsa contest that is, of course, being held at the Warehouse, Miami’s “hottest under 21 club.” I would think this would be a problem, as Marci is also the assistant manager of the Warehouse and usually, employees are not allowed to enter contests that their employer is sponsoring. But no matter! By this point, The Warehouse pretty much only exists to cater to the whims of the Blakes.
Marci enters the contest with one guy but discovers that there’s another guy who is a far better dancer. Will Marci stay loyal to her original partner or dump him for the better dancer? You can probably guess exactly what happens in this episode but I still liked it because it featured a lot of dancing and the audience applauded when Marci said she was looking forward to death of Fidel Castro.
In the B-plot, Neal is grounded when he comes home late. (Was he grounded for helping Jane cheat on the SATs? Anyone remember that?) But he sneaks out and goes to a baseball game while Dave and Jane go to a modern art show. Dave says he doesn’t understand modern art. That’s because Dave’s a moron.
Last night, my sister Megan and I watched Mommy’s Little Star on the Lifetime Movie Network!
Why Were We Watching It?
For the past week and a half, I’ve been visiting my sister Megan and her family. This is kind of our holiday tradition. Everyone gets together for Christmas and then, from Christmas Day to New Year, Megan and I catch up and bond and talk about how we’re feeling about the past year and what we’re hoping to get out of the upcoming year. Plus, we watch a lot of TV and movies!
I’ve always loved watching movies with my family and I especially love Lifetime movies. (Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten to watch as much Lifetime as usual this year.) So, when I saw that the Lifetime Movie Network was broadcasting something called Mommy’s Little Star, I literally fell on my knees and begged Megan to stay up and watch it with me.
What Was It About?
12 year-old Olivia (Maja Vujicic) thinks that she’s found a way bring her parents back together. She’ll become a social media star by posting dancing videos online. If she can get her mother, Lauren (Rebecca Amzallag), to appear in the videos with her, she’ll become an even bigger star and maybe even win a contest because people love to watch young influencers dance with their moms.
Lauren’s new boyfriend, Aiden (Roderick McNeil), offers to act as Olivia’s agent and to guide her to social media stardom. Olivia is excited but soon, she becomes so addicted to being popular online that she starts neglect her friends, her schoolwork, and her well-meaning but strict nanny. Meanwhile, Aiden is actually a con artist who is willing to go to any lengths, including murder!, to get what he wants.
What Worked?
I always enjoy a good Lifetime moral panic film. This film had the typical Lifetime plot of the handsome but sinister man who was trying to take a daughter away from her loving parents but, to that, it also added a fear that I imagine many parents have, the fear of what their children might be doing online. One thing that both Olivia’s mom and her father (played by David Lafontaine) had in common is that neither one of them was really sure what it was that Olivia was getting so excited about and watching them, I was reminded of my aunt’s reaction when I first tried to explain to her what Twitter was. The film suggested that all of the trouble that Olivia and her family go through is worth it because it encourages Olivia to eventually take a break from social media. It’s all rather silly and campy but that’s what makes Lifetime movies so much fun.
I really enjoyed Roderick McNeil’s performance as Aiden. He had the whole charming sociopath act down to perfection.
What Did Not Work?
The film missed an opportunity by not having Olivia herself turn evil in her attempts to win the big contest. Maybe Lifetime had already met their quota for murderous children by the time they got around to Mommy’s Little Star.
“OMG! Just like me!” Moments
Right after my parents divorced, I had a fantasy that lasted for about two years where they would both come to see me performing with the New York City Ballet and they would be so moved by my dancing that they would get back together. That never happened, of course, but still, I could relate to what Olivia was trying to do even if I didn’t quite agree with her methods.
Both Megan and I agreed that Rebecca Amzallag, who did a great job playing Olivia’s mother, looked just like our friend Lea so that was kind of neat. We spent a lot of the film asking ourselves, “Is that what Lea would do?”
Wow, look at you getting ready for New Year’s Eve!
If you’re ever feeling like you’ve reached a dead end, just remember that Rob Dyrdek’s receptionist is more famous than you are and …. well, that probably won’t help.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week’s cruise is all about family, love, and …. CRIME!
Episode 1.18 “Last of the Stubings / Million Dollar Man / The Sisters”
(dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on February 4th, 1978)
Fresh from having given Isaac a lesson in black history during the previous cruise, Captain Stubing is excited to give the rest of the crew a lesson about his family. The Stubings have a long and noteworthy Naval tradition and the Captain is proud to announce that his nephew, L. Courtney Stubing IV (Peter Isacksen), has been accepted to Annapolis. But, before going to school, he’s going to work on the Pacific Princess and show everyone that he is a natural-born sailor. The only problem is that Courtney Stubing is not a natural-born sailor. Instead, he’s a tall, clumsy, near-sighted, and kind of goony guy who has no idea how to talk to the passengers and who would rather be a ballet dancer. The problem, along with the fact that he’s the last of the young Stubings and expected to carry on the family tradition, is that he’s just as bad at dancing as he is at everything else.
Now, I have to give some credit to Gavin MacLeod here because he made this storyline work. The scene where, having finally realized the truth of about his nephew, Captain Stubing tells Courtney that it’s okay not to become a sailor and that he should find out what he’s good at was well-written and sensitively acted by MacLeod. It was about as honest a moment as you’ll probably ever find on a show like The Love Boat.
While the Stubings were bonding, two sisters were fighting. Rose (Marion Ross) was upset that Noreen (Pat Crowley) was spending all of her time with the handsome Clark Tyler (Brett Halsey). Seeing as how I mostly know Hasley from his starring role in Lucio Fulci’s Touch of Death, I would have been more concerned for Noreen’s safety than upset that she was ignoring me. Anyway, it was kind of boring story but it all worked out in the end. Marion Ross would go on to become the Love Boat’s most frequent passenger, though she always played a different character. Eventually, she even played a woman who married Captain Stubing but we’ve got a long way to go until we reach that point.
A long, loooooooooong way.
Meanwhile, two passengers found love. Unfortunately, it was only after they slept together that Stephanie (Marcia Strassman) discovered that Bill (Frank Converse) had stolen a million dollars from his employer and Bill discovered that Stephanie was a cop. Stephanie explained that she would be required to arrest Bill as soon as the ship returned to the United States. Bill considered running off to Mexico but, in the end, he decided to face justice in the U.S., on the condition that Stephanie would be waiting for him after he got out of prison. Honestly, I think it would have made more sense for Stephanie to just join Bill in Mexico and thy two of them could have built a new life there. I mean, they’ve got a million dollars! But, whatever. Strassman and Converse had a lot of chemistry so, despite yourself, you really do hope that things will work out for them while you’re watching the episode.
And I hope things work for you as well, as we sail towards 2023! The Love Boat will return.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Smiles, everyone, smiles! How silly can things get this week?
Episode 2.2 “The Big Dipper/The Pirate”
(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 23rd, 1978)
Pete Raymond (Dan Rowan) and his daughter, Harmony (Jill Whelan), are professional pickpockets who are hiding out from a determined NYPD Detective named Broylan (Cameron Mitchell). What better place to hide than Fantasy Island? After stealing a ticket to the island from a reverend, Pete discovers that “his” fantasy is to work on a farm. Of course, as you probably already guessed, the fantasy is actually Harmony’s. She wants her father to calm down and live a normal life, away from committing crimes and fleeing the police. At first, farmwork seems to agree with Pete but then Broylan shows up on the island.
I’ve often wondered about the legal status of Fantasy Island. Is it an independent nation or is it territory of the United States or a member of the Commonwealth? Some of the episodes during the first season suggested that Fantasy Island was a territory of the United States. However, in this episode, Roarke reminds Broylan that the NYPD has no jurisdiction in Fantasy Island and that the island is not required to turn anyone over to America. Pete is eventually arrested but Mr. Roarke explains that the Fantasy Island magistrate has ruled that Pete and Harmony can stay on the island and work on the farm. When Broylan demands to know who the magistrate is, Mr. Roarke replies that he is. So, apparently, we are now back to Fantasy Island being a separate nation where Mr. Roarke makes and interprets all of the laws.
The legal status of Fantasy Island was probably the most interesting thing about this fantasy. It’s always fun to see Cameron Mitchell playing an obsessed cop but Dan Rowan gives a lousy performance as Pete and it’s never really clear how Harmony was able to set up the fantasy in the first place. I mean, it obviously took a lot of planning on her part. Did Mr. Roarke charge her the full price or is she another one of the freeloaders that Tattoo is always complaining about?
The show’s other fantasy is even more ridiculous and, not coincidentally, it’s also a lot more fun. Painter Ted Cavanaugh (Sonny Bono) is upset that his ex-wife Mary (Diana Canova) is going to be marrying some stuffy rich guy so he asks to be transformed into an 18th century pirate so that he can kidnap Mary and convince her that she’s still in love with him. WHAT!? It’s totally completely ludicrous but …. I don’t know. Sonny Bono is kind of funny as a pirate. If you’re going to have a silly fantasy, you might as well go out and make it as silly as humanly possible and that’s definitely what happens here. Fortunately, it all works out in the end. Who can resist a pirate?
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Are you feeling lost? Fear not! The Deering Tornadoes are here with some important life lessons!
Episode 3.5 “No Smoking”
(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 27th, 1997)
Oh no, Teddy’s smoking!
Yes, it’s yet another TNBC anti-smoking episode. It seems like every TNBC show was required to do at least one episode where someone smokes one cigarette and suddenly becomes so addicted that they can’t function without that sweet, sweet nicotine. Everyone tells them that smokers aren’t cool. No one wants to hang out with a smoker. Smokers smell like smoke. Smokers taste bad when you kiss them. Smokers can’t play basketball. Blah blah blah. It’s like a 30-minute version of those dumbass Truth dot com commercials where they’re like, “Big Tobacco is ravaging Struggling America.”
Anyway, Teddy is smoking and, when Coach Fuller finds out, he forbids Teddy from playing basketball. Everyone tries to help Teddy quit. Hypnosis doesn’t work. Meditation doesn’t work. “The nicotine has control of you,” Coach Fuller explains, making nicotine sound a lot cooler than it actually is. Eventually, Fuller lets Teddy play, even though Teddy still hasn’t totally given up cigarettes because Fuller apparently had a total personality transplant between seasons 2 and 3. (Remember how, during season 2, Fuller decided he’d rather the team lose than allow his best players on the court, all due to some fake IDs? That doesn’t seem like the actions of a guy who would just sort of shrug and let Teddy play.) Teddy agrees to enter an “anti-smoking” program and the other non-smokers on the team agree to attend with him. What good is that going to do for them? They’re already anti-smoking. No, this is a path that Teddy must walk alone.
Ugh, this episode was so heavy-handed. I don’t even smoke and I got annoyed with it. Let’s move on.
Episode 3.6 “Coach Fuller’s Car”
(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 27th, 1997)
Coach Fuller has a conference to attend but the cab that was supposed to take him to the airport never showed up! Because Fuller apparently has no friends or family outside of his team, he asks if they can give him a ride to the airport. When they reveal that Vince’s car isn’t working, Fuller asks them to drive him to the airport in his prized Range Rover.
So, already, this episode has a huge credibility program. First off, is there seriously no one else who can drive Fuller to the airport? What about the assistant principal, the one who happens to be in love with him? How about the assistant coach who showed up when Fuller had the mumps? How about one of the many adult basketball players who are willing to drop everything and come to Deering High whenever a member of the Tornadoes needs a pep talk?
Secondly, even if we do accept that Fuller needs a high school student to drive his car to the airport, why does the entire team go to the airport with them? Julie ends up driving, while Teddy, Vince, and Danny pile in the back seat. Since it’s already been established that Fuller is extremely protective of his car, why would he allow the three most irresponsible characters on the show to ride with him and Julie to the airport?
Anyway, once they reach the airport, Fuller tells Julie to take the car straight home. Instead, Julie, Teddy, Vince, and Danny drive the car to a frat party in Indianapolis, where Michael’s band is performing. (Michael has a band? And Kristy and Mary Beth are his backup singers?) Unfortunately, the punch at the frat has been spiked and soon, everyone but Michael and his singers are drunk! In a rare example of good judgment, Julie decides not to drive Coach’s car while drunk. Instead, they leave the car at the frat house while Michael takes everyone home.
The next morning, Michael and Julie go back to the frat house and …. THE CAR’S GONE!
You saw that coming, right?
When Fuller comes home early, he is informed by the police that his car was found on the roof of the university library. (The police say is was a rush week prank. I’m wondering how a bunch of frat boys got a range rover on the roof of a library.) The car is fine but Fuller still plays a prank on his team by having some biker dude tell them that the car is no more. It turns out that Fuller is proud of his team for not driving drunk but he still orders them to run 20 miles to teach them a lesson about responsibility.
This episode …. actually, it wasn’t that bad. Yes, Fuller made a huge mistake trusting the team with his car but, for once, his reaction to the team screwing up seemed realistic and reasonable. He praised his team for not driving drunk. That’s a good message. Despite the fact that most of this episode’s drama could have been avoided by the characters not being idiots, the overall episode actually work pretty well.
What lessons will be learned next week? We’ll find out soon!
Through the Shattered Lens 