Hi, everyone! I’ve been doing weekly reviews of The Love Boat for a while. I really enjoying the series but I’m going to have to hold off on posting my next review until next week. That’s because the next episode is a two-hour musical spectacular and, as I’m busy getting things set up for our big St. Patrick’s Day/Kurt Russell’s birthday celebration on the 17th, I’m not going to have time to watch the whole thing until next week.
So, The Love Boat is preempted this week but it will return next week! We’ll set sail then!
Yes, the 1976 film Dixie Dynamite is supposedly set in Georgia but it’s hard not to notice that all of the hills and mountains in the background look like they’re from California. The story features two sisters, Dixie (Jane Anne Johnston) and Patsy (Kathy McHaley), who go into the moonshine business after their father drives his car off a cliff. Their father was the best moonshiner in the business and they aim to carry on his legacy, despite the efforts of Sheriff Marsh (Christopher George) and banker Charlie White (R.G. Armstrong). Blowing up their stills and threatening to auction off their land isn’t going to stop these two from doing whatever it is exactly that they’re doing in this film. Eventually, the sisters steal a bunch of dynamite and start blowing stuff up. Normally, I’d say “Woo hoo!” but this film even makes random explosions seem as boring as the 4th of July in Canada.
Warren Oates plays Mack, a motocross champion who occasionally helps the daughter’s out. At least, I think he’s helping them. To be honest, it’s not always easy to tell what Mack’s purpose actually is in this story. He tends to show up randomly, usually after all the action has ended. He’s kind of a useless friend, to be honest. Warren Oates brings his rough-hewn charm to the roll and you’re usually glad to see him, if just because the actresses playing the sisters are genuinely lousy, but you’re never quite sure what he’s doing there. Watching the film, one gets the feeling that Oates just dropped by the set whenever he felt like it and filmed a scene or two.
It’s really not that crazy of a possibility. Actor Steve McQueen makes a cameo appearance in this film, riding a motorcycle and challenging Oates. McQueen didn’t make many films in the 70s. Let’s consider some of the films that he turned down: The Great Gatsby, Jaws, Apocalypse Now, The Driver, The French Connection, Sorcerer, and Hard Times. None of those films appealed to McQueen but he was still willing to show up for a day’s worth of shooting on Dixie Dynamite. Of course, McQueen does go uncredited.
This is an odd film, full of slow spots that not even actors like Warren Oates, Christopher George, and R.G. Armstrong can make up for. Director Lee Frost was best-known for his softcore exploitation films and Dixie Dynamite is full of odd transitions and jump cuts, leading me to suspect that the film was originally meant to be a lot more like a typical Frost film before it was decided to go in a PG-direction as well.
Perhaps the oddest part of the film is that the daughter’s final scheme to get revenge on the sheriff and the banker involves stealing two dead bodies from the local morgue. The bodies are made up and dressed to look like Dixie and Patsy so that the sisters can fake their own death. I can understand that and even give them credit for hatching a clever plan. But I still find it weird that the film never really explains how the bodies were stolen or why they were in the morgue in the first place. What are the chances that Patsy and Dixie would head down to the morgue and find two look-alikes?
The film features dynamite, Warren Oates, and corpse-stealing but it’s still incredibly dull. That’s just weird.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.
Eh, who cares?
Episode 1.9 “Moving Target”
(Dir by Mickey Dolenz. originally aired on April 27th, 1996)
When TC’s former lover, ex-model Rebecca Reynard (Jacqueline Collen), is nearly shot by a mysterious gunman, TC takes it upon himself to serve as her bodyguard. Chris rolls her eyes because that’s how Chris reacts to every situation. We’re nine episodes in and Chris still doesn’t really have a personality beyond being perpetually annoyed. To the surprise of no one, Rebecca turns out to be hiding some deadly secrets of her own and TC comes to realize that his former and current lover is actually a stone cold sociopath. This is one of those traumatic developments that will probably never be mentioned again.
(I thought TC had a girlfriend. She was present in the pilot but has never been heard from since.)
Meanwhile, former boxer Victor returns to the ring to help Palermo win a bet against a smarmy lifeguard. The boxing storyline — which features Victor facing off against the one opponent who beat him during his previous pugilist career — was actually interesting. Too bad the show ended without actually revealing who won the big fight. I think we were supposed to be satisfied with the fact that Victor found the confidence necessary to step back into the ring. No, Pacific Blue. You haven’t earned the right to end on a note of ambiguity. Not yet.
This episode was directed by former Monkee Mickey Dolenz. Unfortunately, not even a Monkee can make cops on bikes look cool.
I just felt the need for some surf music today. Maybe it’s because it’s in the 70s and I’m far away from the beach. I’m not a swimmer but I do like surfers.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, we’re reminded that Fantasy Island is apparently the country music capitol of the world.
Episode 6.8 “The Kleptomaniac/Thank God I’m A Country Girl”
(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 11th, 1982)
Fred Simpson (Sherman Hemsley) is a kleptomaniac. Whenever he sees anything shiny, he hears a bong in his head, explosions occur behind his eyes, and he has to steal it. He always returns what he steals and pays back his friends but it’s still ruining his life. No one trusts him. He comes to Fantasy Island looking to be cured. Mr. Roarke assigns Tattoo to keep an eye on Fred on the Island. Unfortunately, Fred is still driven to steal an expensive necklace from courier Emily Carlisle (Roxie Roker). Fred and Tattoo end up in jail! Poor Tattoo!
(Seriously, what did Roarke think would happen when he gave that assignment to Tattoo?)
Now, to be honest, I’m not sure that Fred actually got his fantasy. He and Emily do fall in love and he leaves the Island with her but I’m not sure his kleptomania was cured. Maybe Emily will provide whatever was missing from his life that caused him to steal. This episode is somewhat progressive in that acknowledges that kleptomania is an uncontrollable impulse, one that is usually linked to trauma. (After my parents got divorced, I went through a phase of regularly skipping school so I could shoplift makeup from Target. It was probably a cry for help on my part, though it just seemed like an adrenaline rush at the time.) Still, what happens if Fred and Emily break up? Fred’s got a serious problem and I hate to think that he spent all that money to come to Fantasy Island just so he could go home and get tossed in prison.
Meanwhile, Loretta Wentworth (Loretta Lynn) works at the local Fantasy Island diner. Lorraine Wentworth (Heather Locklear), the daughter that Loretta gave up for adoption years ago, is coming to the Island to meet her mother for the first time. Loretta’s fantasy is to be rich for the weekend. Roarke gives her a nice house and a bunch of servants. Lorraine is impressed until her jerk of a fiancé (Ted McGinley) tries to put the moves on Loretta. In the end, things work out, of course. Lorraine and Loretta grow close. Loretta and her friends board a bus and say they’re going to Nashville so that Loretta can pursue her country music career. How is anyone going to drive from Fantasy Island to Nashville? There’s a big old ocean in the way.
This episode really didn’t do much for me, despite the presence of Heather Locklear and Ted McGinley. It was nice to see Tattoo get involved in someone’s fantasy and Roarke got to give a speech about the true meaning of love but neither fantasy really worked for me. Loretta Lynn was a great singer but a very stiff actress. This trip to the Island was not as memorable as it could have been.
This is another music video that immediately made me want to take a trip to the countryside so I could enjoy the view before losing everything to the curse of industrialization.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
Baker and Ponch — but mostly Ponch — get a chance to shine this episode.
Episode 3.12 “Destruction Derby”
(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)
Ponch and Baker are working undercover!
That’s …. odd. Aren’t they just members of the Highway Patrol? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know that being a member of the Highway Patrol isn’t easy and I don’t mean to imply that they’re not doing an important job. But it just seems like undercover work would be something that you would give to a detective. It seems like you would need some sort of special training to do that. For a show that, in the past, has pretty much taken a day-in-the-life approach to its stories, a sudden undercover episode just feels weird.
Ponch and Baker are working at the local demolition derby, trying to uncover a drug ring that…. I don’t know. I guess people who sell drugs enjoy demolition derbys. To be honest, I get the feeling that someone in production said, “Let’s shoot a bunch of demolition derby footage and then we’ll just make up something stupid to justify it.” When it comes to the derby, Baker is working as a member of the pit crew and, of course, Ponch is the one driving the car. And, of course, Ponch turns out to be a natural because there’s nothing that Ponch can’t master. Ponch also falls for the only driver who can beat him, the mysterious Billy Wakefield (Angel Tompkins). This episode is from the 70s so, of course, there’s a scene where she takes off her helmet, her long blonde hair falls across her back, and I guess everyone at home is supposed to go, “A woman race car driver!? What is this madness!?”
Baker is not totally wasted in this episode. He gets to save Ponch’s life when the bad guys attempt to booby trap Ponch’s car. He also gets to play tennis with Getraer and Grossman. This episode may feature Ponch and Baker going undercover but it seems like the real plot is just Baker and Ponch doing fun California things. This episode basically is a commercial for the state. Look! the episode says, Tennis! Handball! Demolition Derbies! Erik Estrada! We’ve got it all!
Erik Estrada can be seen wearing a wrist brace in this episode, which I assume is a lingering result of the accident that he’s spent the last few episodes recovering from. I make a lot of jokes about Estrada but, from watching the last few accidents, it is obvious that he was pretty seriously injured in that stunt-gone-wrong. That, while recovering, he appeared on camera at all seems worthy of respect. A major theme of this episode seems to be that Ponch is back and Baker, after having the lead role for a few episodes, in once again back to being a supporting player. Thank you for your service, Larry Wilcox.
Anyway, this episode featured a lot of fast cars and a lot of crashes so I liked it.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1989 to 1991! The series can be streamed on YouTube!
This week, everyone faces a test.
Episode 4.13 “Testing, One, Two, Three”
(Dir by John Bertram, originally aired on January 30th, 1990)
After being absent for the past few episodes, Joey and Caitlin are finally the center of this week’s story. Both of them are struggling. Joey, despite all of his efforts to study and pay attention in class, is still getting bad grades. The school counselor thinks that Joey has dysgraphia, a learning disability that makes it difficult for him to express his thoughts in an organized fashion. Caitlin, meanwhile, is going to have to appear in court as a result of getting arrested while vandalizing that nuclear plant.
A few thoughts:
Claude — or “Clode” as he wants to be called — once again shows himself to be the worst ever when he says he’s not sure if he can go to court with Caitlin. Claude is the one who convincing Caitlin to vandalize the plant in the first place and, when the cops showed up, he abandoned her. Big-time rebel Claude actually asks his parents for permission to skip school to go to Caitlin’s court date. They say no, just as Claude knew they would. What a putz!
“My parents aren’t liberal like yours!” Claude whines to Caitlin.
Maya actually puts off a doctor’s appointment so she can go to Caitlin’s medical appointment! Good for you, Maya …. except, doctor’s appointments can kind of be important, too.
Actually, now that I think about it, why should anyone be going to court with Caitlin? Caitlin made the decision to spray paint her stupid slogans on her own. Claude shouldn’t have abandoned her but Caitlin shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Caitlin acts as if Claude should take her punishment for her but actually, Claude being a coward doesn’t mean that Caitlin is somehow absolved. She knew she could get in trouble when she climbed over that fence.
This episode is a good example of why Caitlin drives a lot of people crazy. Caitlin has a problem and everyone else is expected to drop everything and spend all of their time worrying about it.
Joey, meanwhile, has a real problem to deal with. He feels stupid. He’s not dumb, not at all. But his grades remain stubbornly bad and he’s just been told that he has a scary-sounding “condition” and that he’s going to have to take a special class to learn how to function. And yes, there’s no shame in having a learning disability. I have ADHD so when Joey talked about struggling to organize his thoughts, I knew exactly what he was saying. But, when you’re the one hearing the words “learning disability,” it’s scary! My heart went out to Joey in this episode.
Evil bully Dwayne made an appearance, harassing Joey after he overhears Joey describing him as being a gorilla. Joey and Dwayne get into yet another fight. Joey gets detention. Dwayne gets suspended.
Caitlin is also in detention, as a result of slapping Claude. Caitlin and Joey are still not getting along but we know that’s going to change.
Finally, there was one other subplot. The students in a difficult biology class were excited to learn that Alex (John Ioannou) had an advanced copy of the big test. Alex’s older brother saved all of his old tests. Alex gives Tessa a copy of the test but makes her promise not to let anyone know. Tessa lets everyone know. Everyone in the class passes! They don’t get caught. But the teacher says its obvious that the test was too easy so he decides to toss out the results and give everyone a new test …. WHAT!? CAN HE DO THAT!? What the heck, Canada!?
Incidentally, I never would have passed Algebra II if my sister hadn’t saved all of her tests. Thank you, Erin Nicole!
And that’s it for the week. Remember — in yourself, you must believe!
Through the Shattered Lens