Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.4 “Best Seller/The Tomb”

Posted on January 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Fantasy Island has a desert? Read on to find out more.

Episode 2.4 “Best Seller/The Tomb”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on October 14th, 1978)

Fantasy Island can be a strange place.

Just consider the fantasy of Neville Marlowe (Barry Sullivan). Marlowe is an archeologist who has devoted his life to seeking the tomb of a lost Egyptian pharaoh who is believed to have been King Tut’s twin brother. His fantasy is to finally find the tomb and to explore it with his wife (Shelley Fabares) and his associate (David Opatoshu). He wants to do this even though the tomb, if it does exist, is said to be cursed.

Mr. Roarke informs Marlowe that he’s in luck. There’s an archeological dig currently taking place on the island and there’s a good chance that it might finally lead to the discovery of the tomb….

Now, this brings up some interesting issues. First off, the dig is taking place in the desert. Since when has Fantasy Island, a tropical paradise, had a desert? Secondly, even if you accept that idea that Fantasy Island is home to a large desert, why exactly would it also be home to the tomb of an Egyptian pharaoh? Though the show always kept it a bit vague as to just where exactly the island was located, it’s always been suggested that it’s near Hawaii. The actual natives of the island (as opposed to Mr. Roarke and Tattoo) all appear to be Polynesian. When the guests get off the plane at the start of each episode, they’re given a lei and a tropical drink. My point is that there’s never been anything about the show that would suggest that Fantasy Island is anywhere near Egypt. Certainly, it’s possible that an Egyptian ship may have landed at Fantasy Island at some point in the past, just as it’s possible that ancient Egyptians also landed in South America. But still, there’s no reason why a pharaoh would be buried on Fantasy Island as opposed to along the banks of the Nile.

It makes no sense but, for whatever reason, the tomb is indeed on Fantasy Island. Entering the tomb leads to Marlowe’s wife having several nightmares about being wrapped up like a mummy. It’s nicely creepy but it doesn’t lead to anything. Because Marlowe decides to send the artifacts to Egypt as opposed to sending them to a British museum. he is spared the curse.

Meanwhile, Barney Hunter (Desi Arnaz, Jr.) is a bookstore clerk who suffers from crippling shyness. His fantasy is to be a best selling author so Mr. Roarke informs him that he is now the author of the world’s most popular book about sex and, as a result, hundreds of his fans are coming to the island to meet him. The problem with that, of course, is that Barney is a virgin. So, you have to wonder why Mr. Roarke would make Barney the world’s leading expert on sex when he doesn’t know anything about it. My guess is that Mr. Roarke thought it would be funny but it’s actually kind of mean-spirited. Anyway, Barney meets Angela (Maureen McCormick), who is also a virgin. They fall in love but Angela’s mother (Gloria DeHaven) refuses to allow Angela to see a man who has written a “filthy book.” Again, it’s hard not to feel that Roarke is having a little fun at Barney’s expense. Fortunately, things work out in the end and that’s good. Arnaz and McCormick were a cute couple.

Finally, Tattoo entered a jingle contest and won! Unfortunately, it turned out that first prize was a trip to Fantasy Island. Mr. Roarke had a good laugh about that one and I have to admit that I did too. Fantasy Island just has a way of sweeping you up in all of its silliness.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.9 “Not a D’Amata” and 3.10 “Kristy’s Other Mother”

Posted on January 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

The Tornadoes go to California! But first, we have to sit through some crap about Vince and his brother….

Episode 3.9 “Not a D’Amata”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 11th, 1997)

It turns out that Vince has a bother named Nick (played by Michael Sullivan’s real-life brother, Billy). Where has Nick been over the past season and a half? He has been in Paris, at music school. When he returns from France, Vince is shocked to discover that Nick has gone from being just like Vince to being someone who wears a beret, speaks fluent French, and writes poetry! Vince is so upset that Nick has switched from being one stereotype to another, he rejects his brother. Fortunately, Michael points out that not everyone is a three-point shooter and not everyone is a …. well, he uses a lot of basketball terms. The important thing is that Vince accepts the new Nick.

(If this episode were made today, it would be about Nick coming out and Vince struggling to accept it. But, since this episode is from 1997, it’s instead about Vince freaking out over Nick wearing a beret.)

While this is going on, Mary Beth and Kristy throw a fund raiser for the library. Apparently, they’re going to raise money by having Coach Fuller throw balls through a basket. Unfortunately, Fuller keeps missing his shots. It looks the library is going to be closed! Fortunately, a real basketball player named Gary Payton shows up and goads Fuller into regaining his confidence. Not being a fan of the game, this whole storyline was weird to me. I just know the audience went crazy whenever anyone threw a basketball.

Episode 3.10 “Kristy’s Other Mother”

(Directed by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 11th, 1997)

This episode opens with a shot of the Beverly Hills Hotel….

Wait a minute? Isn’t this show set in Indiana?

Well, it turns out that the Tornadoes have been invited to compete in a tournament in Los Angeles and, for some reason, they’re saying at a luxury hotel in Beverly Hills. (Remember when Mary Beth spent a thousand dollars on sports bags and was told that she had spent all the money the team had in its annual budget? I imagine flying to California and getting rooms for the entire team at a luxury hotel costs a bit more than a thousand dollars.) Strangely, Kristy accompanies the team to Los Angeles but none of the other cheerleaders come with her. If you’re already wasting all that money on a hotel in Beverly Hills, why not bring the entire school? Seriously, if you’re going to get fired for fiscal incompetence, you might as well go all out.

(How much school are the Tornadoes skipping to go to this tournament?)

It turns out that Kristy has a reason beyond cheerleading to go to California. She wants to meet her birth mother, who turns to be a fabulously wealthy actress who is starring in a movie with Harrison Ford. (No, Harrison Ford does not make an appearance.) Kristy’s mom is like, “Move to California!” but Kristy ultimately decides that she prefers Indiana. Considering what lay head for California, Kristy made the right decision. That said, Kristy’s decision still doesn’t make much sense. What teenager is going to choose small town Indiana over a chance to live with a movie star in Beverly Hills?

Meanwhile, Vince, Danny, and Michael appear on a dating game show that’s being filmed at the hotel. Vince wins a date with a girl other than Mary Beth. Needless to say, Mary Beth is not amused. Wisely, Vince gives her a lot of presents.

This was a pretty silly and fairly mawkish episode but at least the hotel looked nice. This episode was directed by Don Barnhart, who directed several episodes of Saved By The Bell and California Dreams. It also ends with the Tornadoes still in California so I’m guessing this L.A. tournament thing is going to last for a few more episodes. We’ll find out if I’m right next week!

Retro Television Reviews: Quarantined (dir by Leo Penn)

Posted on January 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1970’s Quarantined! It can be viewed on YouTube!

The John C. Bedford Clinic sits atop a cliff overlooking the ocean. Though it may be a small hospital, it’s also widely respected. The clinic was started by John Bedford (John Dehner) and the majority of its employees are related to him. His three sons — Larry (Gary Collins), Bud (Gordon Pinset), and Tom (Dan Ferrone) — are all doctors and they all work at the clinic. Bud’s wife, Margaret (Susan Howard), is a psychologist and she also works at the clinic, encouraging the older patients not to give up hope in their twilight years. John Bedford is a stern taskmaster and his youngest son, Tom, resents always having his father and his older brothers staring over his shoulder. John and Larry explain that they are simply treating Tom the way that they would treat any new doctor. Tom isn’t so sure.

When the Bedfords aren’t hanging out in the tasteful ranch house that sits next to the clinic, they’re checking on their patients. As Quarantined opens, they’ve got quite a few to deal with. The most famous is Ginny Pepper (Sharon Farrell), a film star who has come to the clinic because she’s been suffering from back pain. Larry quickly diagnoses her as suffering from kidney failure and announces that she’s going to need to get an immediate transplant. Ginny is not happy to hear that and spends most of her time trying to make both Larry and Nurse Nelson (Virginia Gregg) miserable. Of course, it eventually turns out that Ginny’s not so bad.

Meanwhile, Margaret attempts to cheer up a dying old man named Mr. Berryman (Sam Jaffe) and an eccentric man named Wilbur Mott (Wally Cox) hangs out in the hospital hallway. Martha (Terry Moore) and Lloyd Atkinson (Madison Arnold) are at the hospital to visit their son, Jimmy (Mitch Vogel). Unfortunately, while in Jimmy’s hospital room, Lloyd suddenly collapses and subsequently dies. John takes one look at Lloyd and announces that Lloyd might have Cholera and, as a result, no one can leave or enter the hospital until the test results come back.

In other words, the John C. Bedford Clinic is …. QUARANTINED!

If you’re thinking this sounds a little bit dull …. well, you’re not wrong. Quarantined has a 73-minute running time and a large cast but it really does just feel like an episode of a not particularly interesting medical drama. It wouldn’t surprise me to discover that this movie was actually meant to serve as a pilot for a show that would have followed day-to-day life at the clinic. Each member of the Bedford family is given a hint of characterization, just enough to suggest what type of situations they would get involved in on a weekly basis. Larry was the straight shooter who was dedicated to saving lives. Bud was the well-meaning middle child while Margaret was the one who encouraged the men to talk about their feelings. Tom was the idealistic but impulsive youngest child. John was the wise patriarch. They’re all kind of boring.

The same can be said of Quarantined as a movie. As directed by Leo “Father of Sean” Penn, the movie promises a lot of drama but it never really delivers and there’s something rather annoying about how casually John announces that no one is allowed to leave the clinic. He even calls the police and has them set up road blocks around the clinic. On the one hand, John is doing the right thing. No one wants a cholera epidemic. On the other hand, everyone’s so quick to accept that idea of John being a benign dictator that …. well, one can only imagine what a pain in the ass the Bedfords would have been during the COVID era.

As far as I know, there was never a TV show about the Bedford family and their clinic on a cliff. Personally, I’m okay with that.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 3.6 “The Long Goodbye” and 3.7 “Trust Me”

Posted on January 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Do surf dudes still have attitude in 2023? I was going to suggest watching California Dreams to find out but, then again, today’s episodes are from 1994 so I guess that wouldn’t really answer the question.

Oh well, onward to the reviews….

Episode 3.6 “The Long Goodbye”

(Dir by Patirck Maloney, originally aired on October 15th, 1994)

In a rare nod to continuity, Nikki Cox returns as Sly’s blind girlfriend, Allison!

Sly is being so nice and considerate to Allison that it leads to Lorena and Sam realizing that Tony and Jake are totally inconsiderate pigs who won’t even hold open a door for them! Instead of changing their ways, Tony and Jake demand that Sly stop being so romantic. Sly, however, is devoted to Allison and he even joins the track team so that he can give her a letterman’s jacket and ask her to be his “exclusive” girlfriend. Allison takes her to Sharky’s to pop the question and attempts to convince her that they’re at a romantic French restaurant by having Tony speak with a French accent. Tony’s accent is terrible. Allison sees right through him….

Unfortunately, Allison is moving away! She’s been accepted at a prep school in Chicago, one that will prepare her to teach blind children. Sly, as usual, acts like a jerk and all of the Dreams gang up on him for being distant with Allison after learning that she’s leaving but honestly, Sly’s reaction was realistic. That doesn’t mean that Sly wasn’t wrong for 1) refusing to return Allison’s calls and 2) trying to go on a date on the same night that Allison was having her going-away party but people do stupid things when their heart is broken. And, just like many people do in real life, Sly eventually saw the error of his ways and he had a rather sweet conversation with Allison at the party. It’s a shame that Allison left the series as Nikki Cox and Michael Cade had a far more believable chemistry than the show’s main couples.

Speaking of which, this episode featured a rather stupid subplot in which Tony and Jake attempted to be more romantic by pretending to be the lead characters of the romance novel that Tiffany is reading. Needless to say, this leads to Renaissance costumes and fencing. It’s pretty dumb (though Jay Anthony Franke and Williams James Jones deserve some credit for the extent to which they threw themselves into it) but it’s also an indication of just how different season 3 of California Dreams was from season 2 of California Dreams.

All that said, this was definitely one of the better episodes of California Dreams and, again, credit for that goes to Michael Cade and Nikki Cox and their ability to bring some much-needed reality to the show’s musical hijinks.

Episode 3.7 “Trust Me”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 22nd, 1994)

Sly has entered the Dreams into a music video contest! The only problem is that Jake and Mark have yet to finish writing the lyrics for the Dreams’s newest song. Maybe they should give Matt Garrison a call and ask for his advice.

Not wanting to visit his creepy uncle, Mark spends the weekend at Lorena’s loft. He and Jake are supposed to be working on the song but Lorena would rather have fun and watch movies! Jake accuses Lorena of being a distraction. Jake and Lorena fight and later, after Jake has gone home for the night, Mark kisses Lorena. Uh-oh!

Mark, it appears, misinterpreted the fight. It turns out that Lorena and Jake fight all the time and it’s actually a huge part of what they enjoy about their relationship. Feeling guilty, Mark writes and then sings a song about how he kissed Lorena. Jake loses it and refuses to perform with Mark. Fortunately, two bullies show up at Sharky’s and try to give Jake a hard time. When Mark stands up to the bullies, it leads to a brawl and a renewed friendship. Yay!

But did the Dreams wins the contest? We never find out.

As for the episode itself, it provided a showcase for the two newest members of the cast and Diana Uribe and Aaron Jackson both did a really good job. I could relate to Lorena because I’ve had the same “You’re a distraction” line tossed at me and it definitely hurts. And Aaron Jackson totally sold the scene where he nervously sang Jake the lyrics about kissing Lorena. All in all, this was another good episode.

Way to go, Dreams!

Retro Television Review: One World 3.11 “Roots” and 3.12 “Say Cheese”

Posted on January 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

This week, with the end of the series in sight, the Blakes confront the past.

Episode 3.11 “Roots”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on December 2nd, 2000)

When Dave and Karen go out of town for the weekend, the Blake children decide to turn their house into a Bed & Breakfast. Like, how the Hell do you even do that on short notice? It’s like the Blakes decide to do it and then, an hour later, they’re full booked and Marci has a registration desk set up.

Meanwhile, a far more serious storyline is taking place. With the help of St. Neal, Cray tracks down his grandfather and is shocked to discover that his grandfather is black. Cray is so shocked that he runs out of the Warehouse. (Of course, their first meeting was taking place at Miami’s “hottest under 21 club.”) Cray explains to Neal that he’s not a racist. He was just shocked to discover that he wasn’t the same ethnicity as his adoptive parents. However, anyone who has been watching this show knows that Cray is not Caucasian because he’s clearly not. (In real life, Brandon Baker is half-Filipino.) So, it’s kind of hard to believe the Cray was that stunned to discover that he was a person of color. Fortunately, it turns out that Cray’s grandfather has the patience of a saint and forgives Cray for running away from him because of his skin color, which …. I mean, that’s really fucked up, isn’t it? Cray’s grandfather comes over for dinner and explains that Cray is a fourth black, a fourth Puerto Rican, and half-white. Again, his grandfather seems like a very nice man but again, Cray ran out of the Warehouse specifically because his grandfather has black skin. WHO IS THAT FORGIVING!? The grandfather tells Cray about his family and tells him that he’s always missed him. (“Awwwwww!” the audience says.) Cray accepts his black grandfather and says that he loves him. (“Awwwww!” the audience repeats itself.)

To be honest, TNBC was always at its worst whenever it tried to deal with racial subject matter. One World had the most diverse cast of any of the TNBC shows but the characters were still often just stereotypes. TNBC shows were required to wrap up their stories in 20 minutes and that’s not really something you can do when it comes to dealing with race in America.

Episode 3.12 “Say Cheese”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on December 16th, 2000)

Jane’s birthday is coming up so Dave wants to get a picture of the entire family together. This leads to everyone discussing the past three years and …. you got it. It’s a clip show.

I think this was originally meant to be the final episode of the show and it would have been a nice note to wrap up on. However, because TNBC always showed episodes out-of-order, there would be one more episode of One World. We’ll review that one next week and then, it will be time to move on to another show!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 3.11 “Marriage Go Around” and 3.12 “Movin’ On Up”

Posted on January 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

If I can turn it in tomorrow, it’ll be alright….

Episode 3.11 “Marriage Go Round”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 23rd, 1999)

It’s marriage class! The class — which, of course, includes Jamal, Chris, L-Train, Al, Dawn, and Cassidy — is divided into couples. Ms. Nobel assigns the couples and, for a few weeks, they pretend to be married and deal with any complications that come up. Ms. Nobel also decides what the complications are going to be. Why does Ms. Nobel get all this power?

Anyway, Jamal gets mad because Chris is “married” to Jamal’s previously never seen or acknowledged girlfriend. (Apparently, Jamal broke up with the white girl who had the racist father.) Jamal spends the entire show worrying that he’s going to lose his girlfriend and then he does lose his girlfriend but who cares? We’ve never seen this person before. Meanwhile, L-Train is assigned to marry a girl who thinks that she’s too good for him, Al is assigned to marry Dawn, and Jamal is assigned to marry Cassidy. Considering that Chris is supposedly in love with Cassidy, wouldn’t it have made more sense for him to be jealous of Jamal than for Jamal to be jealous of Chris?

As you may have noticed, this episode was recycled from an old episode of Saved By The Bell. It wasn’t that good of an idea when Saved By The Bell did it. It’s even dumber when it gets the City Guys treatment.

Episode 3.12 “Movin’ On Up”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 30th, 1999)

Rock TV (that’s this show’s version of MTV) is holding auditions for the cast of the latest season of Reality House (a.k.a. The Real World). Chris, Jamal, L-Train, Al, Dawn, and Cassidy show up late for the auditions and then get into a loud argument about who is to blame. The producer is so impressed by their argument that he hires them on the spot! As he puts it, they’ve got “in-your-face, New York attitude!”

The Gang becomes reality stars!

They move into a loft but apparently, there’s not enough conflict and Chris and Jamal overhear the show’s producer talking about cancelling the season. Chris and Jamal decide to manufacture conflict to keep the season going. Isn’t that what the show’s producers are supposed to be doing?

Seriously, as a committed reality TV fan, this episode offended me. Why would you ever cast a reality show with an uneven number of men and women? Why would you pick people who already know each other? Why would you not toss someone in specifically to start conflict? Where’s the naïve newcomer from the Midwest? Where’s the frustrated artist with terrible personal hygiene? Where’s the girl who won’t shut up about being a virgin? Where’s the frat boy with a drinking problem? I mean, no wonder no one is watching this show!

While the gang appears on reality TV, Ms. Nobel deals with a terrible new assistant named Marcy. It was pretty dumb. Even dumber is that Ms. Nobel somehow got involved in telling Chris and Jamal how to behave on the reality show. Why does Ms. Nobel get involved in everything? Is running a high school really that easy of a job that she can just spend all of her time hanging out at the diner and the reality show loft?

The episode ended with the TV show still going and everyone still living in the Loft so I guess this reality show angle is going to be the new thing. I guess we’ll find out for sure next week!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.19 “A Very Special Girl / Until the Last Goodbye / The Inspector”

Posted on January 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Beware the Inspector! Read on and find out more about this week’s cruise of the Pacific Princess….

Episode 1.19 “A Very Special Girl / Until the Last Goodbye / The Inspector”

(Dir by Roger Duchovny, originally aired on February 11th, 1978)

Captain Stubing starts the cruise by giving the crew some potentially frightening news. The company has sent an inspector to take the cruise and observe how everyone is doing their job. The catch is that the inspector is disguised as a passenger and the crew now has to figure out who it could be!

Marvin Waterman (Jim Backus) seems like a good suspect. He’s stuffy. He always wears a suit. He carries around a notepad. He’s always asking questions about the ship. It must be Marvin! Nope, sorry. It turns out that Marvin is just a children’s book author and he’s doing research.

Could it be eccentric Mrs. Corwin (played by Gavin MacLeod’s wife, Patti MacLeod)? She acts like she’s spacey and not always sure where she is but maybe that’s just a cover! She does make a lot of calls back to the mainland! Nope, it’s not Mrs. Corwin. It turns out that she’s just an eccentric widow who likes to call her daughter and let her know what’s going on in her life. Fortunately, Mrs. Corwin meets and inspires Marvin and they fall in love. Unfortunately, that doesn’t bring the crew any closer to finding the inspector.

Surprise! The inspector wasn’t actually on the ship. He arrived late and wasn’t able to board. However, his father (Jack Bernardi) did get on board and he spend the entire cruise wandering about and asking people questions in Russian. As far as I could tell, none of the crew made much of an effort to help the confused old man out so I’m guessing they’re all out of a job now. I wonder what next week’s episode will be like….

While the crew was looking for the inspector, Mike Andrews (Bob Seagren) was looking for Melanie Taylor (Laurette Sprang). Mike arranged for his goofy sidekick, Doug (Sal Viscuso), to spend all of his time with Melanie’s best friend, Jane (Debralee Scott). Fortunately, Doug and Jane fell in love. Meanwhile, Mike abandoned Melanie as soon as the cruise ended. Booooooo!

Finally, the crew was fascinated by an older man (Paul Burke) who was traveling with a younger woman (Susan Blanchard). For the majority of the episode, everyone assumed the man and the woman were lovers. But then the man collapsed and it turned out that he was the woman’s father and he also terminally ill. This cruise was their long goodbye. This was a sweet story, even if it was kind of icky that everyone assumed that the father was carrying on an affair with his daughter. But, really, that mistaken assumption is the fault of the crew. I’m surprised they didn’t mistake the older man for being the Inspector.

Anyway, this was a fairly typical episode of The Love Boat. It got the job done with a minimum of complications and, if nothing else, it looked like a fun vacation. The Love Boat always works best as wish-fulfillment. It’s the type of show you watch and think, “What would I do if I was on that cruise?” I enjoyed this episode. The whole thing with the inspector was silly but the other two stories were well-handled. I hope things worked out for Doug and Jane!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.3 “The Beachcomber/The Last Whodunit”

Posted on January 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week …. Tattoo gets a trumpet!

Episode 2.3 “The Beachcomber/The Last Whodunit”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on September 30th, 1978)

Tattoo is learning how to play the trumpet and Mr. Roarke can barely hide his anger. That is this week’s Tattoo/Roarke storyline and it rasies a lot of questions about Roarke and Tattoo’s relationship. Is Roarke upset because Tattoo is a bad trumpet player or does he just dislike Tattoo in general? Does Tattoo really care about learning how to play the trumpet or is he just looking for an excuse to annoy Mr. Roarke? I think all of those possibilities may be true at the same time. If the previous two episodes hinted that Roarke and Tattoo no longer hated each other, this episode seems to confirm that they’re still the frenemies that they’ve always been. I sympathize with Roarke but it’s hard not to appreciate Tattoo’s determination to be an agent of chaos.

As for the fantasies, Charles Preston (John Astin) is a successful businessman who wants to throw it all ways so that he can spend the rest of his life as a beach bum. Roarke sets Preston up in a cabin on one of the shabbiest beaches on Fantasy Island. Seriously, the layout of Fantasy Island is just weird. A third of the island is a luxury resort. A third of the island is a magical jungle. And a third of the island is apparently just a collection of poverty-stricken fishing villages. Do the people who live on the island know that they could be having a fantasy if they only had the money? Let’s hope none of them ever pick up a copy of Marx or Piketty.

Anyway, Preston soon discovers that the life of a beach bum is not as easy as he thought it would be. For one thing, the chief of the island’s indigenous population demands that Preston marry his daughter. (The joke is that his daughter is overweight and …. well, it’s all pretty cringey by 2022 standards.) Meanwhile, a bounty hunter slaps some handcuffs on Preston and threatens to take him back to his family unless Preston pays him $70,000. “All of you beachcombers have a stash!” the bounty hunter hisses. Fortunately, Preston’s wife shows up and announces that she’s fine with him being a beach bum, as long as he’s a responsible beach bum who helps to pay the bills. And that’s the end of that. What an underwhelming fantasy.

Luckily, the episode’s other fantasy is a bit more entertaining. Mabel Jarvis (Celeste Holm) loves mystery stories and she wants to spend a weekend as her favorite fictional detective. Of course, Mabel soon finds herself investigating the real-life murder of Mabel’s favorite writer. Mr. Roarke explains that the writer was a friend of his and that he hoped Mabel could solve the case. That seems like a lot of responsibility to put on someone who is just looking for a vacation but, fortunately, Mabel proves to be up to the job. Anyway, this was a fun little fantasy and, as an avid reader of mysteries, it was one to which I could relate. Celeste Holm seemed to be having a lot of fun as Mabel and, even more importantly, her cat played a key role in solving the mystery.

This was not a bad episode. The beach stuff was forgettable but the episode was saved Celeste Holm and Tattoo’s trumpet.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.7 “Julie’s Guy” and 3.8 “Playing With Pain”

Posted on January 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I’ll always remember….

Episode 3.7 “Julie’s Guy”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 4th, 1997)

Because Julie is incapable of doing anything that doesn’t somehow involve basketball, she is dating yet another basketball player. You would think that she would have learned her lesson after Chris cheated on her and then Josh mysterious disappeared after the end of Season 2. Of course, Chris and Josh were both teammates of Julie’s. This time, Julie is dating Jason Redman, who plays for another team!

Needless to say, the other Tornadoes are not happy about this. They’re not sure if they can trust Julie to put aside her feelings and play as a member of the team. This is a pretty stupid concern. Julie has been the show’s main character for two and a half seasons and we still don’t know a thing about her beyond the fact that she plays basketball and she brags nonstop about winning.

Once again, the Tornadoes play terribly for the first half of the game. Fortunately, Fuller takes the time to yell at them in the locker room. Everyone realizes they can trust Julie. The Tornadoes go on to win by one point. For all the bragging this team does, continually winning by only one point really isn’t that impressive. Most good teams can actually win by several points.

Anyway, this one was pretty forgettable. I have a feeling that we’ll probably never hear another word about Julie dating Jason.

Episode 3.8 “Playing with Pain”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 4th, 1997)

Coach Fuller is gone again and Assistant Coach Keelor (Todd Fraser) is in charge of the team. The last time that Fuller was absent from the show, during the Fighting Words episode, it was explained that it was because he had the mumps. This time, no explanation is given for Fuller’s absence. I’m going to guess that Fighting Words and Playing With Pain were envisioned as airing back-to-back but that NBC showed them out-of-order. This is something that NBC frequently did with its TNBC shows and, as a result, the continuity of these shows were always out-of-whack. Its almost as if NBC just didn’t care.

Anyway, at the start of this episode, Keelor announces that a scout is coming from the University of Arizona to watch Michael play. The scout turns out to be someone named David Stoudemire. By the way the audience goes crazy whenever he shows up in a scene, I’m guessing he was a basketball player. Like most of the real-life basketball players who showed up on Hang Time, Stoudemire was hopefully better at playing basketball than acting.

Anyway, Michael really wants to impress the scout but, while practicing with Julie, he seriously sprains his ankle. (Even though it looks like it was Michael’s fault because of the way he landed, I’m still going to blame Julie. Julie was so upset over not being the center of attention that she goaded Michael into practicing too hard, knowing that he would end up spraining his ankle.) Worried that he’ll be benched if he tells anyone that he’s injured, Michael tries to play through the pain. This is something many pro athletes have done. From personal experience, I can tell you that this is also something that many dancers have done. I hurt my ankle so many times when I was younger that it was probably more of a surprise when I didn’t injure it than when I did. You take a bunch of pain killers and then you do the best you can before passing out in the dressing room afterwards. However, since this is a TNBC show, Michael dramatically reinjures himself while playing basketball and ends up screaming in pain while everyone watches. In the locker room, both Assistant Coach Keelor and David Stoudemire tell him that he’s a dumbass.

Bye bye, Arizona!

Retro Television Reviews: Making of a Male Model (dir by Irving J. Moore)

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

While visiting the set of an outdoor shoot in Nevada, high-powered modeling agent Kay Dillon (Joan Collins) spots a ranch hand named Tyler Burnett (Jon-Erik Hexum). Tyler is tall, athletic, handsome, and polite. When Kay asks Tyler if he’s ever modeled, Tyler scoffs at the idea. Him? A model? He’d rather stay in Nevada and work on the ranch. However, when the girl he likes turns him down because he doesn’t have any money, Tyler reconsiders Kay’s offer.

Before you can say Midnight Cowboy, Tyler is walking around Times Square while dressed like a cowboy. At first, Tyler is resistant to Kay’s suggestions on how to improve his look. He doesn’t want anyone messing with her ear or trimming his eyebrows. But, after a humiliating meeting with a photographer who tells him that he just doesn’t have the right look, Tyler agrees to let Kay turn him into a male model. Not only does she fix his look but she also takes him to bed.

Soon, Tyler is one of the country’s most well-known faces. He branches out into commercials, using his sex appeal to sell products to the men who want be him. And yet, Tyler still feels lost. He’s not sure if Kay actually loves him or if she’s just using him. Meanwhile, his roommate, Chuck Lanyard (Jeff Conaway), is a former model who is now hooked on drugs and who constantly warns Tyler that all models are washed up by the time they hit 35. Tyler becomes disillusioned with his life as a model but is he capable of giving up the fame and the money and returning to Nevada? Or is he destined to follow in Chuck’s footsteps and head down a path of drugs and self-destruction?

Welcome to the world of decadence, 80s style! Making of a Male Model is one of those films where the synthesizer-heavy soundtrack plays through every scene and the only thing more dramatic than the line readings is the hair and the shoulder pads. It’s all a bit silly, none more so that when Tyler and Kay go to a costume party. Kay dressed up like Cleopatra. Tyler wears a cowboy hat. One random extra wears an oversized headpiece with two gigantic eyes painted at either end. It’s not so much Studio 54 as much as it’s Studio 54 as imagined by someone who has heard of the place but never visited. It’s decadent but it’s never quite authentic. The film captures the joy of not only looking good but also knowing that you look good but it never captures the tedium that can go into being on a shoot. It’s a film about the reality of modeling that never bothers to get that real but so what? You don’t watch a film called Making of a Male Model because you’re looking for reality.

Joan Collins appears to be having fun in the role of Kay. John-Erik Hexum, who was a real-life model, gives a rather stiff performance in the role of Tyler. He looks good but he struggles whenever he has to show any emotion beyond being slightly annoyed. If anyone really stands out in the cast, it’s Jeff Conaway. Conaway brings a bit of genuine sadness to his role but you’ll guess what’s going to happen to Chuck long before it actually does. Finally, Kevin McCarthy (the actor, not the Congressman) plays one of Kay’s business rivals. He doesn’t get to do much but it’s always nice to see Kevin McCarthy playing yet another sophisticated but ruthless businessman.

In the end, the film doesn’t have anything surprising to say about the world of modeling and Tyler is never that interesting of a protagonist. However, there’s just enough 80s melodrama and 80s fashion to keep things watchable.