Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 4.1 “Two Too Much” and 4.2 “My Valentine”

Posted on February 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Welcome to season 4!

Episode 4.1 “Two Too Much”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 9th, 1995)

I have to admit that I’ve now reached the point where I automatically smile as soon as I hear the opening of the California Dreams theme song. Over the past few months, I’ve come to appreciate California Dreams with its (mostly) good cast, its occasionally clever writing, and even its inoffensive music. Of course, compared to City Guys and One World, anything is going to look good but California Dreams is a surprisingly entertaining show. It has its own enjoyably odd but mellow vibe.

The fourth season gets off to a good start with a ballet class! Yay! Of course, Sam and Lorena are in the class. But so are Mark and Sly, largely because they both think it’ll be a good place to pick up girls. And so is Tony, due to Sam ordering him to take the class. Jake, however, thinks that ballet is stupid and doesn’t understand why Lorena doesn’t want to spend all of her time watching him ride his motorcycle …. uh-oh, I think I see where this is going and I’m not happy about it because I’m one of the few people who thinks that Jake and Lorena were a good couple.

After his fight with Lorena, Jake finds Tiffani at Sharky’s and asks her for advice. However, Tiffani is on a date with Keith Dell, “the teen radio shrink.” Keith, who is a hilariously mellow and understanding character, tells Jake that a successful relationship is all about compromise. Keith then suggests that Jake and Tiffani are still in love. “Wooooo!” the audience replies.

Determined to try to make it work with Lorena, Jake tries to share her interests. He takes her shopping for shoes. Then he shows up for ballet class, having exchanged his leather jacket for a pair of tights and ready to dance. After Lorena accuses Jake of embarrassing her, Jake has a black-and-white fantasy about being married to Lorena. Of course, it’s called I Love Lorena. Jake becomes Desi Arnaz. Lorena becomes Lucille Ball. Fred and Ethel are embodied by Sam and Tony. Even in the fantasy, though, Jake keeps accidentally saying that he loves Tiffani. It’s actually pretty funny, largely because of the chemistry of the cast.

I’m sure everyone reading this can guess what’s going to happen. Jake and Lorena amicably break up. Jake and Tiffani get back together. Tony becomes dance-crazed and puts together a wonderfully pretentious performance at Sharky’s. As always, everything happens at Sharky’s.

Despite the fact that my favorite couple broke up, this was a good start for the fourth season. The cast’s chemistry was as strong as ever, Jake and Lorena’s breakup was handled intelligently, and William James Jones had some funny moments as he went mad for ballet. And who knows? I liked Jake and Lorena but Jake and Tiffani have chemistry as well. Maybe this breakup was all for the best….

Episode 4.2 “My Valentine”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 16th, 1995)

It’s Valentine’s Day! Looking to make his first Valentine’s Day with Samantha a special one, Tony writes a love song and has Jake sing it. After Jake finishes the song, Sly says that it was the perfect gift. Tiffani agrees that it was very romantic. “No,” Sly says, “it was free.”

Oh, Sly …. never change!

Tony, however, is worried that Sam will be returning to Hong Kong as soon as they graduate from high school. Tony’s solution is to ask her to marry him. Sam says, “Yes!” The audience goes crazy but the Dreams have their doubts. Lorena and Jake think Tony and Sam are too young to get married. Sly agrees but his main concern is whether or not Tony and Sam will hire the Dreams to play at their wedding reception. I’m not sure how that would work, considering that Tony and Sam are in the Dreams.

Tony and Sam haven’t been engaged for more than a day before they have their first fight. Sam discovers that Tony hasn’t told his parents that they are engaged. “If you can’t yell your parents,” she says, “your obviously too immature to get married!”

“I’m not immature,” Tony replies, “I just didn’t want them to ground me.”

Hey, it make me laugh. I laughed even harder when Sam revealed that she hadn’t told her parents either.

Anyway, Tony and Sam break up but, luckily, they get back together a few hours later at the big Valentine’s Day dance, agreeing to date and putting off marriage for now. I was glad about that. Tony and Sam are a cute couple and no one should break up on the most romantic day of the year! While Tony and Sam are getting back together, Jake and Tiffani are having an O. Henry moment as they realize that they’ve both sold their most prized possessions to get the other a present. It’s a sweet moment for them. Meanwhile, Lorena gets to wear a really cute red dress so everyone’s a winner this Valentine’s Day!

I own the same dress!

Next week: Tiffani is principal for a day! I’m sure this won’t lead to any drama at all….

Retro Television Reviews: The Brady Bunch Hour 1.5

Posted on February 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!

This week, Mike and Carol Brady wonder if they truly love each other.

Episode 1.5

(Directed by Jack Regas, originally aired on March 21st, 1977)

As always, we start with the Kroftettes dancing while the audience cheers. The announcer recites the names of our stars. Don’t Florence Henderson and Robert Reed look happy? Little do they suspect what’s about to happen to the marriage of Mike and Carol Brady!

Proving once again that they have their fingers on the pulse of the culture, the Bradys come out and perform Toot, Toot, Tootsie (Goo’ Bye), a song that was all the rage in 1922. This song was already 55 years old when it was performed on this show. Fortunately, the Kroftettes entertain the audience with some water ballet in an attempt to keep anyone from wondering why the Brady kids were so enthusiastic about singing a song that was even older than their parents.

After they finish singing, all of the Brady kids joke about how Mike can’t sing. “I can carry a tune!” Mike objects. Carol and the kids laugh at him. Poor Mike! Oblivious to how much Mike is suffering, Carol announces that tonight’s guest star is, “The always unpredictable Charo!” Cindy says that they’ll also be joined by “the far out Hudson Brothers!” It falls to poor Marcia to inform everyone that Rip Taylor will also be on tonight’s episode.

We then cut to Rip Taylor, who excitedly tells the audience that he’s so excited because there’s a mystery guest tonight! He puts on a sleep mask before calling out for the mystery guest because he wants to be truly surprised. The problem with this is that we already know who the guests are because the Bradys told us who tonight’s guests are going to be. We know the mystery guest is not going to be Rip Taylor because he’s the one telling us about the mystery guest. We know it’s not going to be The Hudson Brothers because Rip said “guest” and not “guests.” So, that only leaves Charo as a possibility.

Out comes Charo. Rip is so excited! “I love Spanish women!” Rip exclaims. After some pointless banter, Charo grabs a guitar, sits down on a stool, and plays a surprisingly good version of Malagueña.

We then cut to Marcia, who informs us that Mike actually got his feelings hurt after his kids humiliated him about his singing on national television. Marcia explains that Mike was determined to show that he really could carry a tune. “Little did he know how much trouble it would get him into,” Marcia says. Uh-oh!

Flashback time! At the Brady Compound, all of the Brady kids and Alice are practicing their singing and their dance moves. They are observed by Mike, who is wearing a turtleneck that makes him look like he’s just returned from recording a commentary for NPR. Mike announces that he’s planning on singing on the show. Everyone struggles to find a new way to inform Mike that he can’t sing. Carol mentions that no one can be good at everything. “I can’t play tennis,” Carol says. Even Rip Taylor drops by unannounced and, after singing a bit of Singin’ In The Rain, he reminds everyone that Mike can’t sing. Needless to say, Mike is not happy to hear any of this. Never tell a man in a turtleneck and a camel hair blazer that he can’t sing.

Mike leaves the house and heads to the set, where he tries to play a guitar. This immediately attracts Charo who jokes about Mike’s plan to perform a song on the next show.

“I’ll level with you, Charo,” Mike gravely says, “this isn’t a joke. I want to sing this song but nobody in my family will accompany me …. I don’t think they want to be too close to me when I sing.”

Realizing that Mike has the worst family in the world, Charo agrees to help him. Yay, Charo! Seriously, Mike takes himself way too seriously but his family really is the worst. “We will make beautiful music together!” Charo announces, little aware that Rip Taylor and Carol Brady happen to be standing right behind them.

Yes, this is a terrible screenshot but it’s as good as it’s going to get on YouTube.

Cut to Carol, standing alone on stage and oversinging Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word. Seriously, though, how hard is it to apologize to Mike for rather cruelly making fun of his bad singing? I mean, it’s not like Carol is apologizing for cheating on him or embezzling money or anything like that. All she has to do is say, “Hey, Mike — sorry I laughed at you when you said you wanted to sing.” If she can’t even apologize for that, then maybe Carol deserves to lose her man to Charo.

Looking like two demonic cult children, Cindy and Bobby come out and welcome us to the second half of the show.

“Mom was really worried about Dad and Charo,” Bobby says.

Cindy repeats, “Mom was really worried about Dad and Charo.”

That’s right — Cindy is now repeating everything that Bobby says, word-for-word. That’s like not creepy at all.

At the Brady Compound, Carol tells Alice that she saw Mike and Charo singing together and now Mike wants Charo to come have dinner with the family. Carol is really upset and worried that she’s going to lose Mike. “I’m a bad wife and a lousy cook!” Carol says. Wow, Carol, it sounds like maybe he should leave you.

After Carol leaves the kitchen, Greg, Marcia, and Peter come in. Peter is impressed that his father is having an affair with Charo while Marcia, who is wearing a hat that makes her looks like she should be one of Tony Montana’s bodyguards, says that Mike is just not the type to cheat.

We then cut to the dinner with Charo. Charo is sitting on the couch with Mike while the rest of the family awkwardly stares at them. Charo says that she likes “hot stuff” and Carol gives her a death glare before ordering all the kids to go walk on the beach at night. After the kids leave, Carol threatens to kill Charo and shouts, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, MIKE!?”

Carol runs outside. After telling Charo that they better hold off on their duet, Mike goes outside and tells Carol that he understands that she was just jealous.

“Of course I’m jealous,” Carol says, “you’re a very handsome man and she’s Charo!”

Carol finally apologizes for making fun of Mike’s singing. Was that so hard, Carol? We then cut to Mike singing I’ve Grown Accustomed To Her Face and oh my God, his voice really is terrible. The kids weren’t kidding when they said Mike couldn’t carry a tune. Why did Carol allow him to do this!?

Sorry, Mike!

With all of that resolved, it’s time for the Bradys to once again prove their cultural relevance by singing Strike Up The Band, which was the most popular song of 1927. They also perform Seventy-Six Trombones, which was only 20 years old when this episode originally aired.

We then cut to a comedic skit, featuring Charo as “Sissyrella” and Rip Taylor as her stepsister. Sissyrella and her step sister live on a farm. Sissyrella gets upset when she’s told that she can’t go to the hoedown. Alice the Maid appears as Sissyrella’s fairy god mother. The Fairy Godmother not only gives Sissyrella a nice jumpsuit to replace her farm clothes but she also announces that Sissyrella is going to go to the hoedown. (It’s hard to describe any of this without making it sound like some sort of bad 70s porno film.)

The Hoedown is being held at a saloon. Marcia plays a madam who flirts with a cowboy in white who is played by her stepbrother, Peter.

Meanwhile, Greg plays Black Bart, the Rhinestone Cowboy.

Sissyrella shows up and both Peter and Greg announce that they love her. “Boys, boys,” Marcia says, “what about me?” Well, Marcia, you’re like their stepsister so it’s not illegal but it is kind of icky.

Unfortunately, the clock hits six and Sissyrella has to get back to the barn. However, as she runs off, Peter manages to grab Sissyrella’s boot. Sissyrella, now once again dressed as a farmhand, come back on stage to get her boot. Peter suggests that he and Sissyrella should ride off into the sunset together. So, 16 year-old Peter marries 40-something Charo and the audiences goes crazy.

We then cut to Peter and Greg standing on stage. Peter worries that Greg is going to push him into the pool. Greg promises not to. Greg then introduces the Hudson Brothers before pushing Peter into the pool. Fortunately, Peter does not break his neck when he hits the water but you know it’s going to happen someday. Maybe Mike should take a break from his affair with Charo to tell Greg and Peter the basics of swimming pool safety.

The Hudson Brothers — one of whom is the biological father of Kate Hudson, though Kate has always said that she considers Kurt Russell to be her actual father — perform Disco Queen while the Kroftettes do their thing in the pool. It’s actually a nice break from whatever the Hell we’ve been watching for the past 40 minutes.

Now, it’s time for the finale! This week, it’s songs about places! As always the family introduces the finale together and then they somewhat frantically run off stage as the performance starts. I’m not sure why this show thought it was a good idea to always show us how panicked the family was before performing and how out-of-breath they were after performing. It really does make seem as if the show is detrimental to both their physical and mental well-being.

Mike and Carol sing a bit from Chicago (That Toodlin’ Town). Not mentioned in their performance is Chicago’s long history of political corruption and organized crime.

Marcia sings a bit from California Dreaming, but does not mention the wildfires, the earthquakes, or the serial killers.

Carol sings Back Home Again In Indiana, but fails to mention all of the young people who suffered life-threatening injuries while playing basketball on Hang Time.

Marcia, Jan, and Cindy sing Do You Know the Way to San Jose, without mentioning the threat that Big Tech poses to human freedom. Admittedly, that probably wasn’t as much of a concern in 1977 as it is today. Still…

Robert Reed and Florence Henderson perform The Theme From San Francisco but somehow, they forget to mention Jim Jones and the People’s Temple.

Barry Williams and The Hudson Brothers perform a song called Philadelphia Freedom but somehow, they fail to mention the time that a bunch of Eagles fans tried to kill Santa Claus.

Ann B. Davis and Rip Taylor perform Big D, a song about Dallas. Yay!

The entire family then performs America and United We Stand. They’re lucky they were performing in America, where everyone has the right to be off-key.

And the show ends, with Carol announcing that tonight’s show was very special to her for many reasons. For instance, her marriage didn’t fall apart. Yay! Probably the most positive thing that I can say about this episode is that Charo actually proved herself to be a far better musician and singer than I was expecting. The worst thing that I can say is that the Sissyrella skit went on way too long. The important thing is that, after 48 minutes, the episode ended.

Next week, Rich Little thinks that he’s a member of the Brady family! Poor guy.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 3.23 “Fast Times At Manny High” and 3.24 “Harlem Honey”

Posted on February 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we explore just how stupid one show can get.

Episode 3.23 “Fast Times At Manny High”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on February 12th, 2000)

One of the strangest things about City Guys has always been the students worshipful attitude towards Ms. Noble. Ms. Noble is the school’s principal. She’s the authority figure. She’s the disciplinarian. In what world do teenagers actually like authority figures? I mean, I know that authoritarianism is all the rage today and that there’s a lot of high school and college students out there who are desperate to have someone telling them what to do. But City Guys is a show from the 90s. Weren’t the 90s supposed to be about rebellion? I was thinking about this as I watched Fast Times At Manny High because I noticed that Chris and Jamal have a picture of Ms. Noble hanging on the wall of the radio station. Seriously, it’s creepy how obsessed the students are with their principal. Of course, it’s possible that City Guys just wasn’t very realistic in general. I mean, just consider the fact that Chris and Jamal had a popular radio program, despite having next to no on-air charisma or chemistry.

Anyway, in this episode, Ms. Noble decided that all of the students should fast for one night. If the students go for an entire night without eating, a corporation will donate $500 to a hunger charity. All of the students agree because, of course, none of them have the guts to tell Ms. Noble to stop trying to run their lives. However, it turns out that the fast is not as easy as anyone thought it would be. I mean, they’re going 9 to 10 hours without eating! OH MY GOD, SUCH COMMITMENT!

For some reason, the fast is held on the roof of Manny High. (I really worry about that roof, to be honest. I once snuck out onto the roof of my high school and I got yelled at because apparently, the roof was in really bad shape and, despite the fact that I barely weighed 100 pounds, there was a risk that it could collapse underneath me. Meanwhile, at Manny High, they’re using the roof for carnivals, fashion shows, protests, radio contests, and fasts!)

Anyway, the kids screw up the fast. (It’s almost as if they’re irresponsible teenagers!) Jamal and Chris sneak off to go on a date with two of their listeners and then, while sneaking back into the school, they end up in Noble’s classroom.. Al and Dawn sneak off to celebrate their anniversary, in Noble’s classroom.. (Yeah, that relationship is still going on.) L-Train tries to sneak food into the fast and ends up eating in Noble’s classroom.. Cassidy sneaks off the roof to try to sneak a rewritten term paper into Ms. Noble’s classroom. Of course, they’re all too stupid to pull it off and the corporation announces that they will not be donating $500 to the homeless. Ms. Noble is very disappointed in all of them, even though L-Train explains that he had to break the fast because he was getting so hungry that he was thinking of eating Al.

(Maybe Ms, Noble could just donate $500 to the charity herself. I mean, she is the one with a job.)

The kids feel guilty and they all agree that they have to do something to help. L-Train says that he can’t do anything until he gets some food. L-Train …. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 HOURS! I used to go weeks without eating until I got yelled at by my doctor,

Anyway, the rule-breakers agree to cook breakfast for the kids who did fast and apparently, this inspires the corporation to donate $500 to charity so I guess everything worked out.

Stupid episode. Let’s move on.

Episode 3.24 “Harlem Honey”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on March 11th, 2000)

“This is New York Diner, no place is finer!” Jamal says as he answers the phone at his Dad’s restaurant. Already, we know that this episode is going to suck.

Anyway, Jamal’s father (Ivory Ocean) is upset because his latest girlfriend has dumped him. In order to cheer him up, Jamal and Chris go online and, using the name Harlem Honey, start sending romantic emails to Jamal’s father. However, when Jamal’s father says that he wants to meet his new girlfriend, Jamal and Chris decide to recruit Ms. Noble to pretend to be Harlem Honey and….

…..

Sorry, I was silent screaming. Anyway….

Remember how I said Fast Times At Manny High was a dumb episode? Well, it’s brilliant compared to Harlem Honey. What teenager — no matter how lonely their father may be — is going to set a parent up with their high school principal!? Anyway, Noble refuses but fortunately, L-Train’s aunt is single but then Ms. Noble changes her mind and she and Jamal’s father pretend to be in love and…

….

Yes, I was silently screaming again.

Can we just move on from this episode and pretend that I never saw it? That sounds good to me!

Next week, the third season of City Guys ends!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.25 “Pacific Princess Overtures / Gopher, the Rebel / Cabin Fever”

Posted on February 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat

Today, we wrap up season one of The Love Boat! All aboard!

Episode 1.25 “Pacific Princess Overtures / Gopher, the Rebel / Cabin Fever”

(Dir by Alan Baron, originally aired on May 20th, 1978)

As I sat down to watch this episode on Paramount Plus, I was once again confronted with that weird commercial featuring P!nk and Michael Phelps tossing a big red COVID germ at each other. I’ve seen this commercial a few times. It’s popular not only on Paramount Plus but also on Hulu and Peacock. For a commercial that’s all about the terrors of COVID, I have to say that representing the risk by using a big rubber ball feels a bit …. well, counterproductive. (Actually, perhaps silly would be a better way to describe it.) To be honest, P!nk and Michael Phelps look like they’re almost having too much fun tossing COVID at each other. Someday, someone will actually take a serious look at how and why the combined efforts of the media and the advertising industry struggled to convince people to take the vaccine and this commercial will hopefully be remembered. Considering that it’s the elderly who are at the greatest risk when it comes to COVID, it’s interesting that almost all of the vaccination commercials that I’ve seen have been stylistically aimed at older millennials. Michael Phelps saying that his depression puts him at a greater risk of COVID is not the sort of thing that’s going to convince an 80 year-old to get a booster.

Speaking of commercials, the first season finale of The Love Boat featured Antonio Fargas as an advertising exec named Lee Graham. When we first see him, he’s saying goodbye to his wife as he boards the ship. He tells her that he’ll miss her and that the only reason he’s going to be on the boat is because he’s working on ad campaign for the cruise company. Of course, he’s lying. He’s actually taking the cruise so that he can spend some time with his mistress, Andrea (Jonelle Allen). Lee and Andrea are excited to finally have a few days where they can be with each other without feeling like they have to hide for everyone. However, Lee soon discovers that his nosy neighbors (played by Kaye Bass and Elias Jacob) are also on the boat! As a result, Lee doesn’t get a chance to cheat on his wife and, at the end of the cruise, he and Andrea realize that they don’t want to continue their adulterous ways. Fortunately, it turns out that Lee’s wife already knew about the affair and is incredibly forgiving. I’m not really sure why she’s so forgiving but hey, it was the 70s! It’s not like The Love Boat is going to end with a divorce. That’s more of a 90s thing.

While this is going, ruthless business tycoon Mr. Yamashiro (Pat Morita — yes, you read that correctly) is determined to convince Ruth Newman (Diane Baker) to sell him her late husband’s factory. Yamashiro even orders his assistant, Ken Davis (Gary Collins), to trick Ruth by pretending to fall in love with her. However, Ken really does fall in love with her and he loses his job as a result. Fear not, though. Ruth hires him and agrees to invest in a special, voice-activated word processor that he’s created. Yamashiro is so impressed that he agrees to invest as well. Yamashiro says that they can consider his investment to be a wedding present. Ruth and Ken have only known each other for a few days but sure, why shouldn’t they get married? I mean, it’s the 70s! People get married about knowing each other for a weekend and then they forgive each other for cheating. Love is all around, no need to waste it. They’re all going to make it, after all.

However, none of those stories can compare to what happens to Gopher. After starting the cruise in a bad mood because he feels that Captain Stubing doesn’t respect him, Gopher falls for a young communist named Vanessa! And Vanessa is played by Eve Plumb. That’s right! This episode features the original Jan Brady filling Gopher’s head with a bunch of Marxist nonsense! Vanessa is traveling on the boat with her wealthy father (Don Porter) and she sure does resent all of the money that’s being spent on the cruise. When she tells Gopher that he should stop taking orders from the Captain because, as “members of the Personhood,” no one has any right to order anyone else around, Gopher takes her words to heart and he ended up getting fired for insubordination! Fortunately, it doesn’t take long for both Vanessa and Gopher to see the errors of their ways and the Captain hires Gopher back, with the understanding that Gopher will never again bring a certain impractical economic theory. It’s a bit like that episode where the Captain told Isaac that he was spending too much time learning about black history. The Captain’s not going to let his purser go down the Marxist rabbit hole!

And so, the first season comes to a close. This was a good episode with which to end the season. Though his storyline was undeniably icky, Antonio Fargas proved himself to be a talented physical comedian as he tried to keep his neighbors from noticing his girlfriend. The second story was a bit bland but Pat Morita transcended his stereotypical role. And seriously, how can you not enjoy Eve Plumb radicalizing Gopher?

When The Love Boat began, the crew was unsure of how to react around Captain Stubing. As the first season comes to a close, they’ve learned that Stubing will always have their back, as long as they don’t talk about Black History or Marxism. What will the crew discover about their captain during season 2? We’ll find out soon!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 2.9 “The Appointment/Mr. Tattoo”

Posted on February 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Tattoo finally gets his chance to be in charge!

Episode 2.10 “The Appointment/Mr. Tattoo”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on November 18th, 1978)

This week’s episode opens with Tattoo in a very good mood. Apparently, Mr. Roarke has promised Tattoo that Tattoo will someday get a chance to be in charge of a guest’s fantasy and Tattoo has decided that he is now ready to take on that responsibility! As is typical of this show, Roarke responds to Tattoo’s enthusiasm by pretending to not remember what Tattoo is talking about. Tattoo not only has to explain their deal but he literally has to beg Roarke to uphold his part of the bargain. Roarke smiles at Tattoo’s excitement and says, in a tone that suggests the opposite, “I can hardly wait.”

(In many ways, Tattoo has the same relationship with Roarke that Nick Nack had with Scaramanga in The Man With The Golden Gun. There’s a lot of passive-aggressive resentment to be found in every exchange between the two.)

Tattoo is in charge of granting the fantasies of Dee Dee (Barbi Benton) and near-sighted Evelyn Kastenbaum (Connie Stevens). Dee Dee and Evelyn are Vegas showgirls who want to marry millionaires. Tattoo hires two lounge singers, Jack (Troy Donahue) and Bernie (Fred Grandy), and instructs them to write a Broadway musical that will star Dee Dee and Evelyn. Investors will come to the Island to see about investing in the show and surely, two of them will fall in love with Dee Dee and Evelyn!

It sounds like a great plan! Way to go, Tattoo!

The only problem is that Dee Dee and Evelyn end up falling in love with Jack and Bernie. In fact, during the musical’s big wedding number, the four of them are married by a minister who, Roarke explains, has always had a fantasy about appearing in a musical. Tattoo is upset. He says that he failed to grant the girls their fantasies. But then Roarke explains that Bernie and Jack are actually millionaire playwrights who came to the island to fulfill their fantasy of writing a musical. It all works out, even if it does appear that Tattoo was actually never really in charge of the fantasy.

While this is going on, Dr. John Carlson (Bert Convy) has a fantasy about meeting with a big financial backer and getting the money to build a hospital that will be named after himself. However, while trying to drive to the meeting, John comes across a Fantasy Islander (Nancy Kwan) who is in the middle of a very difficult labor. It turns out that her village only has one doctor and he’s away. To save her life, Dr. Carlson will not only have to miss his meeting but he will also have to rediscover the joy of taking care of patients on a one-on-one basis.

(Why did all of the native Fantasy Islanders live in remote villages with so few modern resources? Did Mr. Roarke just not care about them?)

Oh no, Dr. Carlson didn’t get his fantasy! But don’t worry. It turns out that Dr. Carlson’s wife (Tasha Noble) had a fantasy that the doctor would finally rediscover his love for medicine and that their marriage would improve. So, at least someone got what they wanted!

Dr. Carlson’s fantasy was fairly predictable but the stuff with the showgirls, the playwrights, and the Broadway show was actually pretty cute. It was definitely silly but Fantasy Island is at its best when its silly. Plus, Mr. Tattoo finally got his fantasy. Yay!

It was a fun episode.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.19 “Love on the Rockies” and 3.20 “Fuller’s Camp”

Posted on February 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Hang time! Today, we go from the Rockies to a basketball camp. Sorry, Deering High, your team has abandoned you.

Episode 3.19 “Love on the Rockies”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 15th, 1997)

The team’s rather bizarre ski vacation continues in this episode. Two episodes ago, it was established that the team was invited to the ski lodge by Mary Beth’s parents so that they could help her celebrate her birthday. Well, the birthday has been celebrated and Mary Beth’s parents haven’t been seen for a while so why is the team still at the lodge? And why is Coach Fuller there?

While Coach Fuller takes the boys on the team skiing, Julie and Mary Beth head off to the mall. However, as they’re walking through the ski lodge, they’re approached by a guy named Paul. It turns out that, even though he look like he’s about 40, Paul is supposed to be Julie’s ex-boyfriend! Apparently, Julie and Paul went out over the summer. Paul wants to have dinner with Julie but Julie explains that she’s up at the lodge with her current boyfriend, Michael. Paul says okay and walks off and then Julie mentions that Michael is going to be so surprised to hear that she ran into Paul. Mary Beth tells Julie to not tell Michael about seeing Paul. That’s actually pretty good advice. Then again, Julie goes through a dozen boyfriends per season so I’m surprised she can step outside of the house without running into one of them so really, Michael should be used Julie’s ex-boyfriends popping up. On Hang Time, the only thing that gets passed around more than a basketball is Julie.

Julie attempts to keep Michael from meeting Paul. Unfortunately, as soon as Michael is away from Julie and hanging out with Vince, Paul walks by, overhears their conversation, and starts to tell them about how he’s been in love with a girl since the summer and he’s determined to win her back. Michael wishes him the best of luck. At this point, I’m finding it odd that no one on the team met Paul while he was dating Julie. I assume that Paul also lives in Indiana and probably in the same general area as Julie. How big is Deering supposed to be? Anyway, Paul then reveals that Julie is the girl and Michael freaks out, both because Julie didn’t tell him but also because he thinks she might still like Paul.

After an unsuccessful attempt to befriend Paul and keep him too occupied to flirt with Julie, Michael and Vince end up watching through a hotel room window while Julie and Paul speak. Julie tells Paul that she loves Michael and Paul apologizes for coming on too strong and he asks if they can still be friends. Julie hugs Paul. The audience says, “Awwww!” Unfortunately, since Michael and Vince can’t hear what’s being said, they just see Julie hugging Paul and they decide…. give me a minute while I scream in frustration …. that Julie actually does like Paul. This is the type of episode that I hate, where all of the misunderstandings could have been avoided by everyone not being an idiot.

Michael confronts Julie. Julie breaks up with Michael, angry that he doesn’t trust her despite all of the time that she previously spent lying to him about Paul. Luckily, there’s a “Snow Ball Dance” at the Lodge so Michael and Julie get back together, despite having next to zero romantic chemistry.

In the B-plot, Danny, Teddy, and Kristy rescue a millionaire who has had a skiing accident. They think they’re going to get a big reward. They don’t.

Episode 3.20 “Fuller’s Camp”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 15th, 1997)

The ski vacation is over but now, everyone’s working as a camp counselor at Coach Fuller’s Basketball Camp!

Wait, what?

I mean, I guess I can buy that Coach Fuller has a camp. Supposedly, he was a pro NBA player before he became a coach and he does appear to have some money lying around. And we’ve already seen that he’s willing to help young kids improve their basketball game. But why are the Deering Tornadoes the counselors? Are they getting paid for it or did Fuller tell them they had to do it? And why are Kristy and Mary Beth working as counselors, despite the fact that neither one of them plays basketball? It’s confusing.

Anyway, this episode was all about how Julie is the worst person in Indiana. When she meets the only girl who is enrolled at the camp, Julie puts way too much pressure on her and tries to turn her into a miniature version of Julie. Julie puts so much pressure on Mini-Julie that Mini-Julie nearly quits the camp. With Michael’s help, Julie sees the error of her ways and Mini-Julie agrees to stick around.

As far as the B-plots go, Danny is jealous of how much the campers love Teddy. Vince is upset to discover that one of the campers has a crush on Mary Beth. As for me, I’m just hoping that Coach Fuller’s basketball camp was a one-episode storyline because I really don’t want to have to spend multiple episodes listening to Julie pressure Mini-Julie. Seriously, why aren’t these people in school!?

I will say that, in theory, Fuller having a basketball camp does make more sense than everyone hanging out in Aspen. But, this episode really suffers without the high school. I mean, Hang Time is about a high school basketball team and the knowledge that the members of the team will always treasure their high school memories. If you take the school out of Hang Time, the show loses its focus. Hopefully, next week, we’ll be back in Deering.

Retro Television Reviews: Haunts of the Very Rich (dir by Paul Wendkos)

Posted on February 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1972’s Haunt of the Very Rich! It can be viewed on YouTube!

The 1972 made-for-TV movie Haunts of the Very Rich opens with a lengthy shot of Lyle (Tony Bill) and Laurie (Donna Mills) sharing a very long kiss. Obviously, they’re very happy and why shouldn’t they be? They’re young. They’re beautiful. They’re in love. They’re newly married. And …. they’re on an airplane!

It’s a private plane, one that’s heading towards a resort called The Portals of Eden. There’s only a few other people on the plane. David Woodrough (Lloyd Bridges) is a businessman who is looking forward to spend some time away from his wife, especially if it means a chance to get to know one of the other passengers, Ellen Blunt (Cloris Leachman). Annette Larner (Anne Francis) is also traveling alone and is hoping she might finally be able to get some sleep without having to take a handful of pills beforehand. Rev. Fellows (Robert Reed) appears to have lost his faith. And then there’s Al Hunsicker (Ed Asner). Hunsicker’s a little bit confused about how he ended up on the airplane. As far as he knows, he’s supposed to be on his way to a business meeting in Dallas. Portals of Eden? Al’s never heard of the place! Of course, nobody on the plane really seems to be sure where they’re going or how they even got on the plane in the first place. Strangely, Al appears to be the only one who finds any of this to be strange.

When the plane lands, they discover that the Portals of Eden is a large hotel sitting at the edge of a tropical wilderness. Their host, the always polite Mr. Seacrist (Moses Gunn), welcomes them but avoids answering anyone’s questions. Seacrist tells them to enjoy their stay.

For the first day, that’s exactly what everyone does. They relax. They indulge in a little pampering. David gets to know Ellen. Al is still worried about getting to his business meeting but he is assured that he can always fly out to Dallas the following day.

The night, a violent storm hits. The next day, everyone wakes up to discover that the resort is nearly deserted. There’s no electricity. There’s no way to call out. There’s not much food. Seacrist tells them not to worry. He assures them that help is on the way. As the guests wait to be rescued, they finally start to wonder just how exactly the ended up at the resort in the first place. They realize that they’ve almost all had a recent brush with death. David swears to Ellen that he’ll file for divorce as soon as they get back home but what if they don’t have a home to which to return? Occasionally, the guests hear a plane flying overhead. At one point, they even see one land. But every time, just when it seems like they’re on the verge of finally being rescued, the plane vanishes.

And things just get stranger from there.

If Jean-Paul Sartre had ended up in the United States, writing for The Bold and the Beautiful, the end result would probably look a lot like Haunts of the Very Rich. Considering that this is a made-for-TV movie from the early 70s, Haunts of the Very Rich is a surprisingly effective and atmospheric little horror film. The story itself won’t exactly win any points for originality. You’ll guess the secret of Portals of Eden long before any of the characters in the film. But still, it’s a well-directed and nicely acted film, one that’s topped off with a suitably surreal (if somewhat abrupt) finale.

Haunts of the Very Rich can currently be found on YouTube and I recommend it for anyone who likes their melodrama served with a side of existential dread.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 3.16 “The Treasure of PCH” and 3.17 “Tiffani’s Gold”

Posted on February 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Season 3 comes to an end!

Episode 3.16 “The Treasure of PCH”

(dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 31st, 1994)

The Dreams have turned into a reggae band!

At least, that’s the impression that one gets from the opening of The Treasure of PCH, which finds the Dreams performing on a pier at night as a part of the On The Pier Presents festival. The song’s beat has a reggae feel and it actually sounds pretty nice until the very white Mark starts to sing with what I think is meant to be a slight attempt at a Jamaican accent about how someday “you might need a friend when you least expect it.” Watching and, in some cases, re-watching these shows, I now realize that, musically, the Dreams actually had a pretty good sound but they were always tripped up by their simplistic lyrics. “Anytime you need me, I’ll be there….” I mean, if you want to sound like David Hasselhoff, that’s fine but it’s still a bit odd to watch the pier crowd act as if these lyrics couldn’t have been written by a computer program. In fact, maybe they were. Was AI around in 1994?

Anyway, the Dreams are totally excited because the Concert on the Pier promoter pays them a thousand dollars. “We’ve never gotten that much before!” Sam says but actually, I remember them getting paid that much during both the first and the second seasons. Lorena is worried that the Dreams are getting greedy, which is an easy thing to worry about when you’re already rich and have nice hair. Jake says that the money won’t change the Dreams. Lorena and Jake decide to test that idea by convincing the Dreams that there’s a fortune hidden at Sharky’s!

Fortunately, it only takes one forged letter to trick the Dreams. (As a group, the Dreams appear to have lost several IQ points when Matt Garrison moved away.) At first, everyone works together but soon, the Dreams are getting paranoid and vindictive. Lorena was right. Yay! Take that, Jake! However, Jake and Lorena don’t give their plan enough thought and the Dreams — as stupid as they’ve become — still eventually figure out that it doesn’t make any sense that an eccentric oldster would have hidden his fortune at Sharky’s. So, they turn the tables and convince Jake and Lorena that there’s a bunch of diamonds hidden at …. Sharky’s. Is there no other place to eat in California?

“DIAMONDS!” Jake yells, in a rare moment of the normally laid back Jay Anthony Franke overacting.

This was a dumb episode but it was also oddly likable. Sly running around and thinking to himself, “Gotta find the money …. gotta find the money….” made me laugh. For that matter, so did Tony literally picking up Tiffani when she tried to run off with one of the clues. The cast had enough chemistry that they were even able to pull off the show’s dumbest jokes. Of course, the best thing about this episode is that my favorite character, Lorena, was proven to be correct. Go Lorena!

Episode 3.17 “Tiffani’s Gold”

(dir by, originally aired on January 7th, 1995)

Every Peter Engel-produced sitcom had to have at least one episode where the least likely character got hooked on drugs, had a public meltdown, and then somehow got off drugs with a minimum amount of difficulty. The most famous of these episode was the infamous episode of Saved By The Bell, where Jessie got hooked on caffeine pills and sang, “I’m so excited!”

When it came time for California Dreams to deal with drug addiction, the end result was Tiffani’s Gold. In this episode, Tiffani is suddenly a star volleyball player who has a chance to make the national team and bring home a gold medal. Tiffani, who up until this point has been portrayed as a mellow hippie, is suddenly determined to win and the Dreams want her to win as well. Unfortunately, Tiffani is struggling to keep up with the other girls trying out for the team. So, she convinces Sly to help her get some …. dramatic music cue …. steroids!

You know what this means. Tiffani makes the team but she also starts to have mood swings and violent outbursts. Eventually, she makes a scene at Sharky’s and realizes that she has to stop taking drugs. What makes this standard anti-drug episode memorable is just how unconvincing Kelly Packard is as a drug addict. Don’t get me wrong. She tries really, really hard to capture Tiffani’s anger and moodiness. In fact, she tries too hard. Scenes like the one in which Tiffani throws Sly against a locker are meant to be shocking but they actually inspire more laughs than gasps because Kelly Packard doesn’t come across as if she’s ever lost her temper before. One gets the feeling that she was such a positive person that she didn’t even know how to fake anger.

As for the B-plot, Sly, Tony, and Mark compete to see who is the “bigger stud.” Despite not being in contest, Jake is declared the winner. Despite the fact that Jake and Lorena were supposed to be a couple, Jake is seen dating several other girls in this episode and Lorena doesn’t seem to care in the least. Considering that Sly is wearing the exact same outfit that he wore in the first episode of season 3, I’m going to guess Tiffani’s Gold was filmed and meant to air much earlier in the season but, for whatever reason, it was held back until the very end.

(Incidentally, Christy — who rejects both Tony and Sly before going off with Jake — was played by a young Fergie.)

This rather campy episode was the final one of season 3. Next week, we start season 4!

Retro Television Review: The Brady Bunch Hour Episode 1.4

Posted on February 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ugh. What fresh Hell is this?

Episode 1.4

(Dir by Jack Regas, Originally aired on March 4th, 1977)

“It’s the Brady Bunch Hour!” the announcer shouts as the Kroftettes dance at the pool.

As opposed to the previous three episodes, the audience’s applause sounds a bit deflated, as if they know what’s waiting for them.

The Bradys come out and perform (Keep Your) Sunny Side Up, from the hit 1929 musical Sunny Side Up. If you’ve never heard of this song before, don’t worry. Up until I watched this episode, I had never heard it either. And judging from their performance of the song, I would be willing to guess that Bradys hadn’t heard it until maybe an hour before performing it.

While the Bradys sing, the Kroftettes perform water ballet. For some reason, someone decided it would be a good idea to film the Kroftettes emerging from the water in slow motion, which kind of makes it look like they’re sea beasts emerging from the ocean to kill the Bradys. Not that the Bradys notice, of course. They’re too busy trying to remember the lyrics to Keep The Sunny Side Up. Trying to keep up the family’s flagging energy, Florence Henderson sings with a lot of intensity. The kids look embarrassed and who can blame them? I doubt singing a song from 1929 was one of the selling points when the Kroft Brothers approached them to do this show. As Mike Brady, Robert Reed has a silly grin on his face. He’s obviously having the time of his life. When the song finally ends, Reed is noticeably out of breath. For whatever reason, The Brady Bunch Hour loved to show the audience the Bradys struggling to catch their breath after every performance. I guess we were supposed to say, “They worked really hard!” but instead, it leaves the impression that the show is actually killing its cast.

Anyway, the song finally ends and we spend some time with the kids bantering. Greg is noticeably upset about his siblings being so immature. An argument breaks out. Carol yells at everyone to hold it down. It’s like being forced to watch someone else’s terrible Thanksgiving dinner. Carol and Mike announce the guests for the show are going to be Vincent Price and Rip Taylor. Greg gets mad because he wanted to introduce the guests. IT NEVER ENDS!

Finally, we go to commercial break. When the show returns, The Brady Bunch is singing It’s Not Where You Start from the 1973 Broadway musical, Seesaw. Again, you have to wonder if this was really the music that everyone was listening to in 1977. I mean, this was the same year that Saturday Night Fever came out. This was the year of Star Wars. I just doubt there was a nationwide demand for a show featuring Robert Reed singing Broadway show tunes. Again, this performance ends with close-ups of Robert Reed and Florence Henderson gasping for breath. Obviously, performing requires a lot of physical exertion but Reed gasps like he’s got a pack-a-day smoking habit. Carol explains that they just sang this song because it reflected an experience that they had with Greg earlier in the week. What a weird way to introduce a flashback.

We cut to the Brady compound, where Greg is in the living room, attempting to write a song, strumming his guitar, and getting annoyed with the family. In Greg’s defense, his family is loud and annoying but, at the same time, is there no other room in the house where Greg could have worked. Anyway, Greg announces that he’s going to have to get his own place. Seeing as how Greg is in his 20s …. well, yes, he does. There’s really no reason why Greg (and for that matter, Marcia) should still be living in the Brady House and having to ask his stepmother for permission to stay out late.

Anyway, Mike and Carol attempt to have a serious conversation with Greg about his desire to move out so, of course, Rip Taylor shows up as Jackie Merrill, the landlord. It turns out that Jackie has a place that Greg can rent. “It’s funky but not junky!” Jackie announces. Mike orders Jackie to leave. “I see Papa Bear is cranky!” Jackie replies. “Dad,” Greg announces, “I love you …. but I’m not your BOY anymore!”

DAMN! LOOK AT GREG STANDING UP TO HIMSELF!

We then cut to Marcia Brady, saying that everyone at the Brady House was really sad about Greg wanting to leave. And then from there, we cut to Jackie showing Greg his new apartment.

Someone knocks on the door and demands to be let in. And …. hey! WHAT’S VINCENT PRICE DOING HERE!?

Vincent asks Jackie and Greg if they’re dead. When he discover that they’re alive, Vincent explains that he’s a ghost hunter and Greg’s apartment is haunted by “Stella Beaumont, among others.” Vincent explains that Greg looks a lot like Stella’s great grandson, Dinky, who died when he fell off of Greg’s new couch. Vincent Price has a lot of fun hamming it up but you probably already guessed that.

While Greg worries about ghosts, his family sits around the house and worries about him. Greg calls Carol so that he can give the family his new phone number. Carol starts to cry. “Say hello to everyone for me,” Greg says. Uhmm …. did Greg move to another country? Aren’t they all in Hollywood and still doing a variety show together? Why are they acting like they’re never going to see him again? Did Vincent Price talk to them?

Anyway, we then cut to Carol singing Traces while Greg sings All By Myself. As usual, Florence Henderson knocks the song out of the park. Barry Williams, however, struggles a bit as All By Myself is a terrible fit for his rather limited vocal range. Don’t get me wrong. Barry Williams has a perfectly pleasant singing voice but when he tries to hit those emotional high notes, it’s just cringe city.

Mike Brady welcomes us to “the second half of the Brady Bunch hour …. minus one.” Mike doesn’t seem to be too upset about Greg moving out. It’s interesting that Greg’s stepmother seems to be more emotionally invested in him than his own father.

We then cut to Carol and Greg in their living room, talking about how all of their children will have soon moved out. Carol is upset that Greg is not answering the phone at his new apartment. Mike tells her that it’s good that Greg is out and having fun. Suddenly, Greg rings the doorbell and says that he was just in the neighborhood. Greg then confesses that he owes Carol and Mike an apology for moving out without telling them and he also explains that he hates his new apartment. Greg says that he wants to come back and live in his old house. I guess Mr. Merrill forgot to have him sign a lease.

We cut to Peter saying that we’ve reached the part of the show where Greg always pushes him into the pool. But this week, Peter says, he’s going to do the pushing. Peter sneaks up on Greg but, just as Peter is about give him a shove, Greg moves slightly to the left and — yep, Peter falls in the pool! It’s kind of sad that this recurring bit is the only part of The Brady Bunch Hour that I ever find myself looking forward to. Greg then introduces a giant creature named H.R. Puff-in-Stuff, who proceeds to “lip-synch” to an Elton John song called Celebration.

Alice the Maid comes out on stage and explains that “Well, Greg’s back now,” and the family is going to throw a party for him. But first, it’s time for Marcia to sing Time In A Bottle. Much as with Barry Williams, it’s not that Maureen McCormick has a bad voice. She has a perfectly pleasant voice. But she’s singing a song that’s way outside of her range. Plus, someone decided that she should wear her hair up for her performance, which was not a good look for her. Maureen McCormick had really pretty hair so why would you hide that?

We then cut to Jackie Merrill, delivering a Tennessee Williams-style monologue about how he was only doing his job when he gave Greg that terrible apartment. The Bradys then throw a party for Greg. Bobby gets a cake smashed in his face. Bleh. I hate that gag, it’s so messy. Is this over yet?

Actually, it is almost over. The Bradys perform the finale, a medley of songs about being happy, including the Happy Days theme song.

This episode was kind of annoying but at least it had Vincent Price. Plus, that bit with the dancing monster was enjoyably weird. I don’t blame Greg for wanting to get out of there.

Hey, there’s only five more episodes of this show left. Yay!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 3.21 “Yoko Oh-No” and 3.22 “Party Like It’s 1999”

Posted on February 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Roll with the city guys!

Episode 3.12 “Yoko Oh-No”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 3rd, 1999)

Apparently, the show’s writers remembered that Dawn and Al are a couple before they wrote this episode because it opens with Dawn giving Al a hard time about buying her a “gold” bracelet that turned her wrist green. Seriously, Dawn, you can do so much better. DUMP HIS ASS!

The majority of this episode, however, dealt with Jamal and Ashley (Trina McGee). Ashley, as you may remember, was Jamal’s girlfriend who spoke with a ludicrously exaggerated southern accent. Trina McGree is probably best known for playing Shawn’s longtime girlfriend on Boy Meets World. She appeared on three episodes of City Guys while she was still on Boy Meets World. If I remember correctly, she was actually pretty good on Boy Meets World but was she ever awful on City Guys.

Jamal’s friend tell him that they think he’s letting Ashley control his life. At first, Jamal says that they don’t know what they’re talking about but then he realizes that he’s wearing the clothes that she likes and that he’s carrying around a beeper ~~because he’s a drug dealer~~ so Ashley will always be able to summon him. Jamal realizes that he has to break up with Ashley but, after Ms. Nobel says how proud she is of him for having a committed relationship, Jamal decides that he can’t break up with her. (WHAT!? HOW MUCH CONTROL DOES MS. NOBEL HAVE OVER HER STUDENT’S LIVES!?) So, Jamal tries to arrange for Ashley to fall in love with L-Train instead. It doesn’t work.

While this is going on, Dawn decides that she wants to see All-4-One in concert. (All-4-who? They were big in the 90s.) Because no one on this show can do anything the simple way, Al pretends to be dying in an effort to get them to give him free tickets. The band — which, for some reason, come to meet Al at the diner owned by Jamal’s father — are not happy with Al’s deception. Al confesses that he has to impress Dawn. The band, who I guess are super forgiving and have nothing better to do with their time, agree to give Dawn a private concert.

Meanwhile, Jamal and Chris decided to use their radio show to try to get Ashley to dump Jamal. They ask listeners to call in with their romantic problems. L-Train calls in and says that his girlfriend picks out all of his clothes and forces him to carry a “peeper.” L-Train then calls in a second time, pretending to be his girlfriend. “You go, girl!” Ashley says, which leads to Jamal announcing that he’s sick and tired of her bossing him around. Uh-oh, Jamal — you’re on the radio!

Jamal rushes over to Ms. Nobel’s office and apologizes for breaking up with Ashley. Jamal, were you required to turn in your balls when you enrolled at Manny High? Seriously, I can’t believe I just typed that but Jamal is just annoying as Hell in this episode. Anyway, it turns out that Ms. Nobel doesn’t care because Ms. Nobel is a middle-aged woman with a school to run.

At the diner, All-4-One performs for Dawn. Were All-4-One one of those bands that Lou Pearlman screwed over? “They’re all for real!” Al announces.

This was a dumb, dumb, dumb episode. This is actually the second Peter Engel-produced show to feature an episode called Yoko, Oh No! It worked better for California Dreams because, in the case, the title actually referred to someone dating the lead singer of a band. In this case, it’s just dumb. Jamal is not John Lennon.

Let’s move on.

Episode 3.22 “Party Like It’s 1999”

(Originally aired on December 3rd, 1999, directed by Frank Bonner)

On New Year’s Eve, the kids gather one the roof of Manny High and think about all of their previous adventures and — oh crap, it’s a clip show.

Anyway, the neat guys will see you next week!