Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”

Posted on February 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles everyone! Smiles!

Episode 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”

(Dir by Georg Stanford Brown, Originally aired on December 2nd, 1978)

Tattoo has come up with a new way to become a millionaire! He’s invented a sleeping bag that he claims can hold two people. Mr. Roarke is a bit skeptical that the small roll of material that Tattoo is holding could possibly be big enough to hold two people. Tattoo tells him that all he has to do is remove a key and the material will inflate. Roarke removes the key and several feathers explode into the air. Tattoo shrugs and says that he obviously has to get back to the drawing board.

“Inventor indeed,” Mr. Roarke says, in a tone that suggests that the only he reason he’s not physically killing Tattoo is because it’s time for them to greet their guests.

(Why is Tattoo always trying to make extra money? Does Fantasy Island not pay well?)

This week, the fantasies are all about reliving the past. Charlie Parks (Phil Silvers) and Will Fields (Phil Harris) used to be stars on Vaudeville but, like so many of the old time entertainers, they’ve now found themselves forgotten. Charlie’s even been put in a nursing home. Still, he manages to make the trip to Fantasy Island, where his fantasy is to be reunited with Will so that they can try to bring Vaudeville back to life.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work. Tattoo loves their corny old jokes but when they perform for a larger audience, they only get a few pity chuckles. Dejected, Charlie plans to return to his retirement home when he and Will are approached by a man who claims that he works for the city of Baltimore. (Oh no! Run!) The man explains that he wants to hire Charlie and Will to perform at nursing homes, where their old-fashioned routines will enliven the golden years of people who don’t like loud music and R-rated movies. Charlie and Will agree. Yay!

Meanwhile, Dorothy Weller (Carol Lynley) is a woman who has spent the past few months in a coma. Now, she’s not sure if the man she thought she loved really existed or if he was just someone she dreamed up while she was in the hospital. Mr. Roarke arranges for her to travel to a recreation of the same Mexican town where she met the mystery man. She finds her former lover, Tom Parnell (Stuart Whitman), on the beach. Tom explains that he is real and he is in love with her. He’s also a spy and there’s an international assassin (an appropriately sinister Luke Askew) after him!

This episode was kind of a mixed bag. The Vaudeville fantasy featured charming performances from Phil Silvers and Phil Harris but their jokes were never quite as funny as Tattoo seemed to think that they were. The spy fantasy was not helped by the casting of the reliably dull Stuart Whitman but the story itself was intriguing and Carol Lynley gave a believable and emotional performance as Dorothy. The end result was a thoroughly pleasant but not altogether memorable trip to Fantasy Island. But really, when it comes to Fantasy Island, hasn’t the appeal always been just how pleasant everything is?

Well, except for the relationship between Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, of course. I still suspect Tattoo is secretly plotting to kill Mr. Roarke and take over the island. Who knows? Maybe that’ll be a future episode. We’ll find out soon!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.23 “Twister” and 3.24 “Goodnight, Vince”

Posted on February 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Please, oh please, let the whole basketball camp thing be over with….

Episode 3.23 “Twister”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 29th, 1997)

At Coach Fuller’s basketball camp….

OH GOD, WE’RE STILL DOING THIS CAMP CRAP!

Anyway, the episode opens with Fuller telling his counselor that the camp is nearly finished — YAY! — and that he’s going to be leaving the counselors in charge of the kids while he goes to the airport to pick up a special guest. However, the counselors have won tickets to a concert. They decide to violate Coach Fuller’s number one rule by taking the campers to the pizza parlor and leaving them there while the counselors take turns going to the concert. Coach will never find out, right?

Speaking of stupidity, Fuller also gives Mary Beth a priceless antique quarter to keep safe. The quarter is worth $50,000. Of course, Vince uses the quarter to get a Coke. So, while the other counselors abandon the kids in a strange pizza parlor, Mary Beth and Vince try to get the quarter out of a vending machine.

Now, you’re probably already guessing that Fuller comes back early. Accompanied by someone who I assume what a member of the WNBA, Fuller stops off at the pizza place. Kristy and Teddy see him pulling up and, in a panic, they rush the kids out through the back door and head back to camp. Unfortunately, a tornado also happens to show up and….

EVERYONE DIES!

No, actually, everyone survives. But, at the same time, they learn a valuable lesson about not allowing themselves to be conned into working as camp counselors by their high school basketball coach. And hopefully, their coach learned a lesson about giving too much authority to a bunch of teenagers who, over the course of 50 episodes, have repeatedly screwed up even the simplest of tasks.

The good thing is that the tornado pretty much destroys the camp so I guess that’s over with now.

Episode 3.24 “Goodnight, Vince”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 29th, 1997)

Yay! We’re back at Deering High! Once again, the team just needs to win one more game to go the state championships but Vince has missed his last few free throws and is suffering from a crisis of confidence. Will he recover? Of course, he does. He takes a nap and has a dream where he sees the future and is reminded that losing one game is not the end of the world. Actually, that’s not a bad message at all. After all the nonsense with the ski lodge and the basketball camp, it’s nice to see a simple episode of Hang Time that actually has something decent to say.

That said, this is a bit of an odd episode in that Julie and Michael do not appear to be dating (indeed, Michael talks about how he can’t wait to hit on the college girls at the state championship). For that matter, Mary Beth is not at all concerned that Vince is having a meltdown and she and Kristy are back to acting like ditzes. My guess is that this episode was probably written and filmed at the start of the season, before the writers decided to turn Julie & Michael and Vince & Mary Beth into couples. It’s not quite as bad as that season of One World where Cray’s age (and height) changed from episode-to-episode but it’s still a bit jarring for those of us who have been paying attention.

But, in the end, continuity be damned. The Tornadoes are going to the state championship!

Retro Television Reviews: Linda (dir by Jack Smight)

Posted on February 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1973’s Linda! It can be viewed on YouTube!

If nothing else, Linda has a wonderfully opening.

Two couples are on the beach. Paul Reston (Ed Nelson) is talking to Anne Braden (Mary-Robin Redd) about his troubled marriage and his plans to leave his wife. Paul’s wife, Linda (Stella Stevens), is talking to Jeff Braden (John Saxon) and looking at the rifle that he’s just handed her. It doesn’t take long to notice that Paul and Linda seem to be closer, respectively, to Anne and Jeff than to each other.

When Anne stands up and walks toward the ocean, Linda shoots her in the back. When Jeff runs over to Anne’s body, Linda pulls the trigger again and Jeff collapses. Stunned by his wife’s actions, Paul runs back to his car and drives into town to get the police. (This is another one of those movies that could have only been made in the pre-smartphone era.) When Paul and the police return, they find Anne’s body but Jeff and Linda are nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly, Linda and Jeff come walking down the beach. Jeff is carrying a bunch of fish and a fishing pole. They look shocked when they see the police. Then, when Jeff sees Anne’s body, he accuses Paul of killing her and attacks him. Paul is arrested and taken to jail.

As I said, it’s a wonderful opening, full of twists and entertaining overemoting. In fact, it’s so good that it’s difficult for the rest of the film to keep up. After being charged with Anne’s murder, Paul hires a folksy attorney named Marshall Journeyman (John McIntire). Unlike everyone else, Journeyman believes Paul’s story that he’s being framed by Jeff and Linda. Journeyman sets out to prove that Paul is innocent.

Of course, the audience already know that Paul is innocent because the audience saw exactly what happened. Watching the film, it was hard for me to not to feel that the story would have benefitted by a little more ambiguity as to whether or not Paul was a victim or if he truly was the delusional madman that both Linda and Jeff tried to paint him as being. We know from the start what Jeff and Linda are doing so the only question really becomes how Journeyman is going to trick them into revealing the truth. Unfortunately, even getting them to do that turns out to be a bit too easy. The movie suggests that Journeyman is a brilliant investigator but, in the end, it all really just comes down to the villains not being very smart.

That said, the film’s cast does a good job. Ed Nelson is sympathetic as the confused husband and John McIntire brings so much homespun charm to Journeyman that I got the feeling that this film was probably designed to be a pilot for a possible series. Best of all, John Saxon and Stella Stevens play the scheming couple. Saxon gets to wear a swimsuit and dramatically shout to the Heavens as he pretends to be shocked over Anne’s murder. Stevens smirks at every question and accusation and appears to be having a great time playing an old school femme fatale. The cast makes this movie worth it.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 4.3 “Principal Tiffani” and 4.4 “The Dateless Game”

Posted on February 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Surf dudes with attitudes….

Episode 4.3 “Principal Tiffani”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 30th, 1995)

Earl Boen returns as Principal Blumford! The last two times that Blumford appeared, he was given dialogue that deliberately harkened back to his days of appearing in the first two Terminator films. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen here but Principal Tiffani is still an important Blumford episode because this is the episode where it becomes clear that Tiffani and Blumford are having a secret affair.

Seriously, how else do you explain Blumford’s decision to appoint Tiffani to the role of “student principal?” In fact, I’m not even sure that there is such a thing as the student principal program, despite the fact that both Saved By The Bell and California Dreams did episodes about it. It just doesn’t make any sense. Why would a student be put in charge of the school for a week? In this episode, Blumford not only names Tiffani as student principal but he also expects her to run the school during mid-terms week. I mean, shouldn’t Tiffani be studying for her mid-terms? And why make Tiffani principal as opposed to someone who actually wants the job?

I think we all know the answer.

At first, Tiffani struggles with her new position. No one will listen to her. Then her other boyfriend, Jake, gives her a lesson in how to yell at people. Tiffani takes his lessons to heart and goes mad with power, handing out detentions and forcing troublemakers to stand in the corner of her office in time-out. Eventually, the entire school rebels and, on cut day, Tiffani discovers that the halls are completely deserted.

The entire school goes to Sharky’s, of course. The Dreams, minus Tiffani, perform. I imagine there’s nothing better than getting hired for a sweet cut day gig. Eventually, Tiffani and Blumford show up at Sharky’s but Tiffani has learned to not be such a martinet so she lies and says that students had her permission to go to Sharky’s. She then orders all of them to start studying, which they do.

Blumford pretends to fooled by Tiffani but, obviously, he knows what’s really going on. Technically, Blumford could have gotten in trouble for giving an important role like student principal to someone who was obviously unqualified for the job but the hearts wants what the heart wants.

This was a very romantic episode.

Episode 4.4 “The Dateless Game”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 7th, 1995)

Speaking of romance, it’s time for Jake and Tiffani’s first anniversary! They’ve only been dating for 2 episodes but whatever. Everyone acts like they’ve been together forever. (Actually, Lorena specifically says that Tiffani and Jake have been a thing for 3 months.)

However, before Jake can celebrate their anniversary, he decides help Sly and Mark out with their plan to take part in a charity dating game. When the third bachelor fails to show up for the event, Jake agrees to take the stage with Sly and Mark. Of course, despite his best efforts to pretend to be a shallow burn-out, Jake wins and it turns out his date is scheduled for the night of his anniversary! Instead of just coming clean to Tiffani, Jake attempts to go on both dates at the same time. That was a pretty dumb idea on Jake’s part and it helps to explain why Tiffani has been cheating with Blumford.

Needless to say, Jake’s dumbass plan explodes in his face. Fortunately, the Dreams know how to fix the situation, They hold a dating game of their own so that Jake and Tiffani can see that they belong together. Tony is the host and William James Jones totally throws himself into the performance. For some reason, the fake dating game is held at Sharky’s. As far as I could tell, no one was ordering food during the dating game. If Sharky’s goes out of business, blame it on the Dreams and their constant drama.

These two episodes felt very much like they belonged more on Saved By The Bell than California Dreams but no matter! This cast long ago proved that they had the chemistry necessary to transcend even mundane material and that’s certainly what happens here. Jake and Tiffani forgive each other and the audiences says, “Awwww!’ but somewhere, Principal Blumford’s heart is breaking.

Retro Television Reviews: The Brady Bunch Hour Episode 1.6

Posted on February 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!

Oh, we’re doing this again.

*sigh*

Okay….

Episode 1.6

(Dir by Jack Regas, Originally aired on March 28th, 1977)

As always, we open with the Kroftettes doing a kick line and then jumping into the pool as the announcer warns us all that we’re about the spend an hour with The Brady Bunch, Rip Taylor, Rich Little, and Edgar Bergen.

The audience goes crazy as the Bradys run out on to perform their opening number and why shouldn’t the audience be excited? For once, the Bunch is performing a song that was written after the Great Depression. In fact, I’ve Got The Music In Me was only 3 years old when the Brady Bunch performed it. Wisely, Fake Jan gets to sing the majority of the song while the rest of the Bradys just focus on the chorus. While the other members of the cast stare directly at the camera and struggle to remember one of the simplest choruses ever written, Geri Reischl shows off why she was the only Brady kid to have a truly successful musical career after this show ended.

The Kroftettes smile as they perform this week’s water ballet. The pool is full of balloons. Somehow, the underwater Krotettes manage to smile and hold their breath at the same time. Still, as the song ends, we get one of the show’s trademark close-ups of all of the Bradys gasping for breath, just so we know who really had to work hard on this show.

It’s time for the opening banter! Greg thinks that the Bradys should make a movie. Carol suggests that they make a movie called Greg Doesn’t Live Here Anymore. Uhmm, Carol, you tried that a few weeks ago. Remember? Greg moved out for 16 hours and everyone had a nervous breakdown.

We then cut to a production number so hideous that I can’t even get a decent screenshot of it.

The Bradys are all dressed up as scarecrows and, along with someone dressed up like a crow, they do a square dance while singing Consider Yourself. Consider Yourself is a song from Oliver!, which is a music that is based on Charles Dickens’s Oliver Twist. How exactly one associates Oliver! with a bunch of scarecrows dancing with a crow, I’m not sure. Cocaine was very popular in the 70s and that sun in the sky looks like it probably just took a snort from the moon’s coke spoon.

As the song ends, Bobby, Cindy, and Fake Jan announce that their next guest will be ventriloquist Edgar Bergen. They then argue about whether or not Bobby should have introduced Bergen’s dummy, Charlie McCarthy, as well. Edgar comes out and tells the Brady kids about how ventriloquism works. He says that his job involves using a dummy. “In our house, our dummy is Bobby,” Cindy says. That’s kind of mean, especially coming from Cindy who isn’t exactly going to be joining the Honor Society anytime soon.

Finally, Edgar brings out his dummy and they discuss pizza. “I don’t like those EYE-talian dishes,” the dummy says.

THAT DUMMY’S A BIGOT!

Speaking of dummies, we then cut to Rip Taylor who says that he was was supposed to introduce impressionist Rich Little but he can’t because there was an accident at rehearsals yesterday. We then get a flashback of Rich Little attempting to impersonate a swimmer by jumping into the pool. Underwater, Rich Little’s stunt double collides with Cindy and — oh no! — Rich Little has amnesia.

(In the 70s, Rich Little was one of the original cast members of Orson Welles’s The Other Side of The Wind. Despite having a key supporting role, Little reportedly left the production rather abruptly. I sincerely hope that he didn’t leave because he got offered The Brady Bunch Hour. That said, Peter Bogdonavich replaced Little on Welles’s film and gave an excellent performance as Brooks Otterlake.)

At the Brady Compound, Cindy feels bad for giving Rich Little amnesia and really, she should. STUPID CINDY! Things get even more awkward with Rich Little’s wife calls and asks how her husband is doing and Carol just can’t bring herself to admit that Rich has amnesia. Rich eventually shows up in the living room and tries to remember who he is by doing a series of imitations of people who he claims not to remember.

“What are we going to do!?” Carol wails.

“Frankly my dear,” Rich replies, “I don’t give a damn.”

Cut to Edgar Bergen and a dummy welcoming us to the second half of the Brady Bunch Hour. “These people don’t care about our problems,” Edgar says, “They want to know what happened to Rich Little.” Damn straight, Edgar.

At the Brady Compound, Alice tells Carol and Mike that Rich is asleep and they both hope that he’ll wake up as Rich. Cindy then comes in, still whining about how she’s responsible for Rich losing his memory. Carol tells her that, “This could have happened to anyone.” Stop lying, Carol. This literally could not have happened to anyone.

Rich wakes up and announces that he now remembers that he’s one of the Brady kids. Unfortunately, it turns out that he thinks that he’s the youngest and therefore most immature of all the Bradys. Of course, Rip Taylor shows up and explains that he’s also a psychologist and he can help Rich gets his memory back. What’s odd is that Rip is playing his character, Jackie Merrill, in this scene but he previously appeared as himself when he told us that Rich got amnesia at rehearsals. Seriously, not even the show could keep straight what was going on.

Anyway, Rich jumps into the ocean and bumps into Rip Taylor and he gets his memory back. Gee, I’m glad that worked out.

We then cut to Peter begging Greg not to toss him into the pool this week because he has a crush on this week’s musical guest. Mike shows up and says the weekly pool thing is getting boring and if there’s anything Mike knows, it’s how to be boring. Greg and Peter work together to throw Mike in the pool. Mike looks pretty mad so I guess we know which two sons are going to end up getting beaten once filming on the episode is wrapped.

A folk singer named Melanie comes out and sings a song in front of the pool.

Screenshots From Hell

Carol comes out and sings a song called Beautiful Noise. Beautiful Noise was only a year old when it appeared on The Brady Bunch Hour. Did someone at the show finally get the memo that trying to make The Brady Bunch look cool by having them sing showtunes from 1920s wasn’t working? As for the song itself, Florence Henderson has a good voice but she still oversings it. In all fairness, it’s hard to blame her for that. That was just her style of singing and it’s not her fault that she was often given songs that really weren’t right for her.

Next up is a weird skit where Ann B. Davis plays Apple Annie, a woman in the 40s who, one day, is given a wooden puppet named Pinocchio who dreams of being a real boy. Christopher Knight plays the puppet while Florence Henderson provides the voice of the fairy godmother who promises that he will someday become a real boy. Then Rip Taylor shows up as a director who wants to turn Pinocchio into a star. Maureen McCormick and and Barry Williams play Pinocchio’s co-stars and somehow, it all ends with everyone singing Ease On Down The Road from The Wiz. This skit goes on forever and it’s painfully unfunny. Cocaine was very popular in the 70s.

We then cut Greg, Peter, and Marcia talking about how Peter never knows what the finale is going to be. This time, Peter swears he knows what the finale is but then he admits that he doesn’t know what the finale is. Greg says, “You never what the finale is,” and OH MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

Carol and Mike come out. “Hi, kids are you ready for the finale?”

“I don’t know what the finale is,” Peter replies.

“You never what the finale is,” Mike says….

SHUT UP!

Anyway, Carol says that the finale is songs about the movies and then everyone scurries off stage. I will never understand why this show always thought it was a good idea to start every finale with everyone running off stage in a panic.

Mike and Carol get things started by singing That’s Entertainment! There’s nothing more hip than that, right?

Speaking of hip, here comes Greg to sing Pinball Wizard! Greg pays homage to Elton John by wearing big sunglasses.

Carol oversings For All We Know, from the 1970 films Lovers and Other Strangers.

The Kroftettes stand around while The Pink Panther theme plays.

The Brady Kids sing Live and Let Die with all of the wholesome enthusiasm of a church youth group.

Yes, they’re singing Live and Let Die.

Rip Taylor sings that annoying Superblahblahblah song from Mary Poppins.

Melanie, looking as if she realizes her career will never recover, sings Over The Rainbow.

And then the entire cast comes out to reprise That’s Entertainment!

And that’s it! This episode actually had potential. Rich Little thinking that he was a Brady Kid could have actually been funny but, in the end, the show didn’t really do much with it. The show tried to liven things up with some songs that had been written after the 20s but the Bradys were so naturally square that it didn’t really make much difference.

Next week: Marcia gets engaged! Awwwwwww!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 3.25 “Mom on the Rocks” and 4.1 “Kickin’ It”

Posted on February 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, one season ends and another begins. Will City Guys never end!?

Episode 3.25 “Mom on the Rocks”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on June 10th, 2000)

The third season comes to an end with …. mid-terms!

Mid-terms? Does school never end in the world of City Guys!? Is there no summer in New York City? Still, Ms. Noble assures everyone that they’ll be fine if “you’ve kept up with the school work.” I’m not sure how they’re supposed to keep up with anything when Ms. Noble is constantly giving them community service assignments but whatever. Someday, these students will graduate and discover that none of them have the slightest idea how to live without Ms. Noble telling them what to do.

Dawn is directing the school’s ballet (which is called, I kid you not, Cinderella In The Hood) and she needs an extra dancer. L-Train volunteers (“Can I get jiggy with it?”) and this, of course, leads to a lot of “Oh my God, a man is wearing tights” jokes. Jamal and Al also volunteer to work crew, mostly so they can hit on the dancers. (From my experience, this was actually a pretty accurate reflection of what the crew usually did during high school dance performances. Of course, it was also my experience that the stage crew tended to get in the way and no one would be caught dead checking any of them out.) Isn’t Al dating Dawn? I guess this is another case of NBC showing the episodes out-of-order. Anyway, if you couldn’t guess that two dancers are going to end up with broken toes and Jamal and Al are going to end up having to replace them, then you obviously didn’t see the episode of Saved By The Bell where Zack discovered he was one credit short of graduating.

(Of course, the dance is being performed on the roof of the school! How is that even practical? Does Manny High not have an auditorium?)

Dawn has more problems than just the fact that she’s apparently not a very good ballet director. She’s also agreed to tutor Chris and Cassidy on Biology but when they show up at Dawn’s house, they discover that Dawn’s mother (Jennifer Savidge) is an alcoholic! The next day, at school, Cassidy shows Chris all of the AA and Al-anon pamphlets that she’s spent the night collecting. Chris suggests that maybe they should stay out of it. “We have to do something!” Cassidy exclaims. Why, Cassidy? Why do you have to do something? It’s not your problem. To me, this is more evidence of the influence of Ms. Noble. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to leave people alone and let them deal with things on their own schedule.

Anyway, just as you probably guessed that Al and Jamal were going to end up wearing tights, you probably also guessed that Dawn’s mother is going to show up for the performance drunk. Dawn gets embarrassed but luckily Ms. Noble is there to tell Dawn that she shouldn’t have tried to hide her mother’s problem in the first place. Wait? What? Go away, Ms. Noble. Seriously, what was Dawn supposed to do? Walk into school and tell everyone that her mother was an alcoholic? Add to that, this is season 3 of this dumbass show. After three years of Dawn relentlessly pushing herself to always be the best and basically having a panic attack over the least little thing, how did it never occur to anyone that maybe Dawn had issues at home? It’s not Dawn’s responsibility to tell anyone. If anything, it seems like everyone else failed in their responsibilities towards her.

Ms. Noble also mentions that Cassidy and Chris got Dawn’s mother some coffee. Dawn’s mother then shows up, magically sober, and says that she’s willing to go to AA. Screw AA. It looks like all she needs is coffee!

This episode was cringe city. Let’s move on to the fourth season.

Episode 4.1 “Kickin’ It”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 23rd, 2000)

The fourth season begins with the school year already in swing. Al is a star soccer player and….

Wait. Let me re-read that to make sure I didn’t get that wrong.

Since when — in all of the episodes that have preceded this one — has Al ever shown any athletic ability? Then again, the show randomly turned Jamal into a baseball superstar so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Al is suddenly New York’s best teenage soccer player. Unfortunately, Al is so good at soccer that his coach encourages him to focus more on playing than studying. Fortunately, Ms. Noble catches him and L-Train giving a weakass oral report on Abraham Lincoln and she not only tells Al to get himself together but that he’s getting an F on his report. (L-Train, meanwhile, is just an innocent bystander who also gets an F because he was unlucky enough to be partnered with Al.) Al realizes that he needs to do better in school so he tells the coach not to give him any more special treatment. (That would definitely happen, as teenagers are notorious for refusing special treatment.)

Meanwhile, Ms. Noble wants to lose some weight because her high school reunion is coming up and she is looking forward to seeing an old boyfriend. Cassie, Chris, and Jamal make it their duty to help Ms. Noble get in shape. Cassie is so excited when she hears that Noble want to impress a man. Uh, kids — WHY DO YOU CARE!? SHE’S YOUR PRINCIPAL! NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEIR PRINCIPAL! And, seriously, doesn’t Ms. Noble ever get tired of having to share every aspect of her personal life with her students?

Anyway, the kids decide to crash Ms. Noble’s high school reunion so that they can tell her ex-boyfriend about all the success that Ms. Noble has had in her life since she was in high school and …. actually, you know what? This is too stupid to even detail. I mean, the reunion is held on the freaking roof of Manny High, for God’s sake. This is such a dumb show and I’ve still got 51 more episodes left to review. So, I’ll just wrap things up that Ms. Noble and her boyfriend head off to the auditorium, where I assume they’re going to spend the entire reunion having nostalgia sex. As a result, we now know that this school has an auditorium and there’s absolutely no reason why everything has to be done on the roof.

As for next week’s episodes, I’m sure something will happen that will annoy me.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.1 and 2.2 Marooned / The Search / Issac’s Holiday: Parts 1 & 2

Posted on February 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the second season begins with a super-sized episode!

Episodes 2.1 & 2.2 “Marooned / The Search / Issac’s Holiday”

(Dir by Paul Stanley, originally aired on September 16th, 1978)

The second season of The Love Boat started with double-sized episode, promising twice the romance, twice the comedy, and twice the running time!

(Subsequently, this episode was split in two for syndication, hence the double numbering.)

Among the passengers on this cruise is none other than Isaac Washington (Ted Lange)! The Love Boat’s iconic bartender has decided to spend his vacation where he works and he’s bought a ticket to sail on the Pacific Princess. It might seem strange to want to spend your vacation at the office but in Isaac’s case, I can see the appeal. As we saw during the first season, no one works harder than Isaac. He somehow always manages to be behind every single bar on the ship and it often appears that he’s the only bartender on the boat! To top it off, he’s always on call. He’s earned a vacation and he’s earned the right to be served for once. From the minute Isaac boards the boat, he’s playfully asking the crew to do things for him and none of them mind because he’s their friend Isaac. One of the key reasons why The Love Boat worked was that the friendships between the members of the crew felt very real. As such, there’s never any doubt that Isaac would want to spend his vacation with Gopher, Doc, and Julie.

(Interestingly enough, the Captain doesn’t seem to realize that Isaac’s on the boat until Isaac takes his seat at the captain’s table.)

Of course, there are some problems with Isaac’s vacation. Isaac quickly notices that the substitute bartender, Wally (played by Norm Crosby), is a bit sullen and not very knowledgeable about his drinks. As well, Isaac has lied to a passenger named Mara (Lola Falana), telling her that he’s a wealthy race car driver. Bitter old Wally just can’t wait to tell Mara the truth.

Even worse, when Captain Stubing goes to visit a nearby island, Deputy Captain Cunningham (Dick Martin) is left in charge and he quickly proves himself to be thoroughly incompetent. (The show makes a point of assuring viewers that Cunningham actually works for a different cruise line and is just training on the Pacific Princess.) Cunningham ignores the news that a hurricane is on the way. When the hurricane hits, it’s falls on Isaac to take charge and make sure the passengers are safe. Of course, to do this, he has to admit that he’s not a race car driver. He’s just a bartender who, in a just world, would probably be a captain.

Meanwhile, Stubing, Doc, Gopher, Julie, and a group of passengers (Avery Schreiber, Barbi Benton, Edie Adams, and Audra Lindley) are all being held captive on that nearby island. Their captor is an eccentric hermit named David Crothers (played by John Astin, who was often cast as eccentric hermits). David has a gun, one that later turns out to be full of not bullets but dirt. Unfortunately, the hurricane that threatens the Pacific Princess also maroons everyone else on the island and they have to wait for someone to rescue them. Injured by a falling tree, Gopher spends his time deliriously speaking to imaginary women in foreign accents. Doc, for once, actually gets to do some medical stuff and assures everyone that Gopher will be fine. Interestingly enough, no one seems to be that worried about being captured by a crazed hermit. Perhaps that’s because John Astin is just too naturally friendly to be viewed as a threat.

Finally, Jeannie Carter (Donna Mills) is on the boat because she’s been told that one of the passengers is her long-lost mother. Soap opera actor Mike Adler (David Birney) offers Jeannie the moral and emotional (and romantic) support to confront the woman but the woman (Laraine Day) turns out to be Mike’s mother as well! Agck!

The 2nd season premiers, with its mix of melodrama, broad comedy, romance, and hurricane-strength winds, is pretty much exactly what most viewers would want out of a show like The Love Boat. Isaac gets to save the day while John Astin hams it up and David Birney, Donna Milles, and Laraine Day wring every emotion that they can out of their soap opera-style storyline. It’s a fun and undemanding show, one that gets by on its breezy style and the likable chemistry between the cast.

This episode is also important because it was the second episode (after the first season’s supersized episode) in which the opening credits featured video images of the guest stars as well as their names. This would continue in every subsequent episode and eventually become of the show’s trademarks.

Next week: Julie’s parents board the boat!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.10 “The Flight of the Great Yellow Bird” / “The Island of Lost Women”

Posted on February 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles! It’s time to search for Bigfoot!

Episode 2.11 “The Flight of the Great Yellow Bird / The Island of Lost Women”

(Dir by Joseph Pevney, originally aired on November 25th, 1978)

This week’s episode is all about people looking for things.

Tattoo, for instance, is looking for success on the stock market. He thinks he’s got a hot tip on how to make a lot of money. Mr. Roarke rolls his eyes when Tattoo speaks about it. Obviously, Mr. Roarke has heard a lot about Tattoo’s hot tips and he’s given up on pretending to have any respect whatsoever for his loyal assistant. Later, Mr. Roarke will order Tattoo to get his stock ticker out of the office. One gets the feeling that, much like Joseph P. Kennedy in the 1920s, only Mr. Roarke will be smart enough to escape the collapse of the world’s economy.

(Legend has it that Joseph Kennedy — father of the Kennedy children — got out of the Stock Market when the guy who was shining his shoes started giving him stock tips. Kennedy figured that if even the shoe shine guy was playing the market, that meant there were too many deals being made. Kennedy turned out to be correct and, as a result, his family suffered not at all during the Great Depression. Of course, after the Great Depression, there would be suffering all around.)

While Tattoo looks for money, this week’s guests look for ancient legends.

For instance, Barney Shore (Robert Morse) is a sailor who spent two years on an atomic submarine.

“He went two years without seeing a woman!?” Tattoo says, “Boss, what did he do?”

Well, what do you think he did!? Mr. Roarke, being a gentleman, says that Barney spent all of his time reading and researching legends of an island that was populated only by women. Barney’s fantasy is to discover the island and indeed, he does. Barney is dropped off on a tropical island that is populated by women who all dress as if they’re extras in an Italian Hercules movie.

Unfortunately, for Barney, Queen Delphia (Cyd Charisse), has very strict rules about men on the island. Only one man is allowed to be around the women per year. That man is crowned the Harvest King and his job is to …. well, make sure that the population continues to grow. Of course, once the Harvest King has done his job, there’s no reason to keep him around and he’s sacrificed. Barney falls in love with one of the women and he convinces the rest of the tribe that it’s okay for men and women to live together on the same island. Good for Barney….

“But what about Bigfoot!?”

I hear you, I’m getting to him. Barney’s a nice guy and I’m glad he survived his trip to the island but obviously, the main attraction here is to watch Peter Graves play the world-renowned adventurer Singapore Eddie Malone. Eddie comes to Fantasy Island to give a lecture about his hunt for Bigfoot. However, he’s hired to help Prof. Smith-Myles (Barbara Rush) explore an isolated area of the island where Bigfoot may indeed live. Eddie is here to help the professor experience her fantasy of finding Bigfoot while Eddie’s fantasy is to be a true explorer and everyone’s fantasy comes to true! Of course, Eddie is also an old friend of Rourke’s and, at the end of the episode, Tattoo suggests that maybe the whole thing was just Roarke’s fantasy to make Eddie feel better about his life.

But what about Bigfoot!?

The actual Bigfoot doesn’t really get much screen time, sorry. Then again, I think that’s why Bigfoot is so intriguing. He’s elusive! He’s fun to search for. He’s fun to talk about. But spending too much time with him would just take away the mystery. Besides, who needs Bigfoot when you have Peter Graves glowering and doing his whole “international man of mystery” routine?

This was a silly episode and both stories felt a bit rushed but Peter Graves gave such a grave, deep-voiced performance that the episode was still entertaining. Hopefully, Bigfoot will return!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.21 “Kristy Connor” and 3.22 “Game Point”

Posted on February 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hang Time! I’ll always remember me and my friends at hang time …. damn, that song really get stuck in your head.

Episode 3.21 “Kristy Connor”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1997)

So, apparently, Coach Fuller’s basketball camp is still a thing and the members of the team are still his camp counselors. As I mentioned last week, it really does seem like everyone should be going to class and playing high school basketball but apparently, school is on hiatus.

After a long day of counseling basketball players, Kristy — who is NOT a basketball player so I’m still not really sure why she’s even at the camp — heads into town to get a pizza. She borrows Julie’s jacket. While at the pizza joint, she meets Jordan. Jordan is a handsome and totally charming counselor at another camp. He sees that Kristy is wearing Julie’s jacket and he immediately decides that Kristy must be his favorite basketball player, Julie Connor! “You’re famous!” he says. Julie is also blonde while Kristy has red hair so you have to wonder if Jordan is really that smart. I mean, does he assume that anyone wearing a football jersey actually plays football? Does he assume that the guy wearing a LeBron James t-shirt is actually LeBron James? Or is he just really obsessed with that jacket?

Speaking of stupid, Coach Fuller asks Vince to call his father to have some hamburgers delivered to the camp. Vince accidentally orders a cow. Instead of telling Fuller what happened, the team tries to hide the cow in the camp. Because that makes sense….

Anyway, Coach Fuller challenges the other camp to a basketball game. Since Jordan is on the other team, Kristy has to pretend to be Julie on the court. Jordan comes to realize that Kristy isn’t Julie but assures her that he still likes her. “I like your red hair,” he says, which totally disproves my theory that he’s color-blind.

Eh. I hate all of this camp stuff. Let’s move on.

Episode 3.22 “Game Point”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1997)

“Remember that time you guys helped Teddy stop smoking? Or helped Danny stand up to his bully?” Kristy asks, as this episode begins.

Oh, dammit, it’s a clip show.

Despite still being at the basketball camp, Kristy is having to do schoolwork. It turns out that not all of her credits transferred from her “old school,” which I believe is the first time that the show has acknowledged that Kristy just kind of showed up out of nowhere at the start of season 3. She’s having to write a paper on how team sports help people learn how to get along. The players are a bit cynical about Kristy’s theory but she shows them the error of their ways by saying stuff like, “Remember when Michael first joined the team?”

It’s a clip show, with all of the awkward banter that tends to go with it. It’s difficult to convincingly deliver lines like, “Remember that time we all stole Coach Fuller’s car?” or “Remember the last twelve guys Julie’s dated since this show began?”

Hopefully, next week, basketball camp will be a memory and the Tornadoes will be back in school!

Retro Television Reviews: The Tower (dir by Richard Kletter)

Posted on February 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The plot of 1993’s The Tower could probably best be described as, “Paul Reiser gets a job and gets everyone killed.”

Technically, Paul Reiser is playing Tony Minot, a guy who would rather spend his time in his apartment, composing new age synthesizer anthems and eating left over pizza, than actually go to work. But make no mistake about it. Tony is basically Paul Reiser, all the way down to the neurotic mannerisms and the bad jokes.

Anyway, through the help of an old friend, Tony has gotten a job. He’s going to be working in a state-of-the-art tower, one that is totally run by a computer system known as CAS. CAS is designed to eliminate any and all security threats. For instance, when an unauthorized pigeon lands on the tower’s roof, it doesn’t take long for CAS to reduce that pigeon to a bunch of floating feathers. Tony has been told that it’s very important that 1) he have his security card with him at all times and 2) that he not damage his security card in any way.

So, of course, Tony damages his security card.

With the help of a security guard, Tony still manages to get inside the tower but, since his card doesn’t work, CAS considers Tony to be a security risk. When Tony proceeds to casually violate several security rules and stays in the building after hours, CAS decides to destroy him. Unfortunately, since Tony is kind of needy and always has to have people around him, everyone else in the building ends up getting killed too.

(This is a 1993 film and it was made for television so none of the kills are especially interesting. One guy gets caught in the closing doors of an elevator. Someone else gets trapped in an overheated sauna.)

The majority of the film deals with Tony crawling around the building, just like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. CAS is determined to kill both him and his potential love interest. We’re supposed to be angry at CAS and concerned about the world’s dependence on technology but you know what?

THIS IS ALL TONY’S FAULT!

Seriously, if Tony hadn’t damaged his card, none of this would have happened. Tony was specifically told not to damage his card but obviously, it didn’t occur to him that maybe he should try to follow the rules of his new workplace during his first day on the job!

The Tower is very much a film of its time. That’s obvious just from the cartoonish CGI and the fact that someone thought casting Paul Reiser as a Die Hard-style action hero was a good idea. Beyond that, it’s a film that’s very concerned about the rise of computers and technology. In 1993, I’m sure audiences were like, “OH MY GOD! COMPUTERS CAN’T BE REASONED WITH!” but, when I watched the film last night, I was just like, “So, they don’t have voice or facial recognition? What type of company is this?”

Anyway, The Tower is not exactly a good movie but it’s oddly watchable. Maybe it’s just because of how strange it is to see Paul Reiser doing the whole Die Hard thing. (Before anyone asks, The Tower was not meant to be a spoof. In fact, it takes itself pretty seriously.) Or maybe it’s just the fact that, by the end of the movie, you’ll totally be on the Tower’s side.

Go, CAS, go!