Elite cop Sam Kettle (Sam J. Jones) just wants to get out of Los Angeles and live a peaceful life with his girlfriend, Sara (Linda Blair), but the streets have other plans. The evil Kendrick (Gustav Vintas) has kidnapped Dr. London (Bill Erwin) and is determined to get the code for a deadly bioweapon. For reasons that are never made clear, Kendrick has also kidnapped young Joanna (Joanna Chong). Backing Kendrick up is the evil Miss Amy (Rebecca Ferrati). Backing up Kettle is Joanna’s uncle, Jun Kim (Jun Chong) and Bernard (Phillip Rhee), the son of Oyama (Mako), the owner of the local dojo. Can Sam save the world, saved the doctor and the girl, and also save his relationship with Sara?
Silent Assassins is a terrifically fun martial arts movie. The action is well-choreographed. The film’s plot doesn’t make a bit of sense. The movie is full of weird throw-away dialogue, like an offended Ms. Amy announcing that she’s “a biochemist too.” Chong shows off his moves, Rhee plays his character as a playboy having the time of life, and Jones glowers at the camera as only Sam J. Jones can. There’s an army of loud ninjas (so much for the silent part) and Vintas is so villainous that he even carries around a red rose as some sort of strange trademark. The movie is full of weird details and no one seems to be taking any of it too seriously. Movies like this are why people like me always went straight for the direct-to-video releases when we went to Blockbuster back in the day.
Linda Blair is second-billed. When Lisa and I watched this movie, she kept track of Linda’s screentime. Linda’s onscreen for a total of ten minutes and she spends most of that time doing the worried girlfriend thing. It’s a sad waste of Linda Blair, the one misstep of an otherwise great experience.
In this incredibly silly film from 1995, Martin Kemp plays The Vampire. He doesn’t get a name but he does get a backstory. Back when he was mortal, the Vampire pursued a secret and forbidden affair with a princess. One day, after making love, the man who would became the Vampire was laying down next to a stream when he was approached by three naked women who proceeded to bite his neck and vampirize him.
Centuries later, the Vampire is sickly and approaching the end of his existence. He only has three days to convince the reincarnation of his former lover to allow him to drink her blood so that he can continue to exist. And apparently it won’t work unless she’s a virgin and unless she rejects all others and loves only him. That sounds like a lot of rules to me and, to be honest, most of them seem to be kind of arbitrary. Not only does The Vampire have to find the reincarnation of the Princess but he has to find her before she loses her virginity or otherwise, what? She’ll cease to be the reincarnation? Her love will somehow be devalued? Her blood will no longer be worth drinking? If this vampire has had to spend centuries only drinking blood from virgins who were in love with him, no wonder he looks so sickly. I really think that maybe the other vampires were playing a practical joke when they explained the rules to him. Hazing the new guy, it has consequences!
Anyway, the princess has been reincarnated as Charlotte (a young Alyssa Milano). Fortunately, for the Vampire, Charlotte was raised in a convent and, even though she is now a college student, she’s still a virgin who blushes when she even hears the word sex. Unfortunately, Charlotte has a boyfriend named Chris (Harrison Pruett) and she’s thinking about losing her virginity if she can convince herself that she loves Chris more than any other person that she will ever possibly meet. So, the Vampire not only has to convince Charlotte to fall in love with him but he also has to make sure that she doesn’t have sex beforehand. It’s going to be difficult because everyone on campus is determined to get Charlotte laid. This has all the makings of Italian sex comedy but Embrace of the Vampire instead takes its plot very seriously.
The Vampire starts to appear in Charlotte’s dreams. He gives her an ankh to replace the cross that Chris gave her. Because the Ankh is a symbol of desire, just wearing it makes Charlotte more sexually aggressive and soon, she’s wearing short skirts, low-cut tops, and white stockings. She’s also making out with Sarah (Charlotte Lewis), the photographer who lives in the dorm room next to hers. (As played by Charlotte Lewis, Sarah is actually an interesting character and it’s a shame that the film pretty much just uses her for titillation.) But since the Vampire’s whole thing is keeping Charlotte from losing her virginity, why would he give her something that would make her more open to sexual experiences? Again, it’s hard not to think that the Vampire is just the victim of an elaborate practical joke.
As I said at the start of the review, Embrace of the Vampire is incredibly silly. It’s also a film that seems to be a bit popular with viewers of a certain age. I’m assuming that’s because of the frequent Alyssa Milano nudity and that one scene with Charlotte Lewis. For the most part, Alyssa Milano gives a bland performance in Embrace of the Vampire. It’s not so much that she’s bad as everything about her performance is on the surface. One gets the feeling that there’s really not much going on with Charlotte’s inner life, both before and after she starts dreaming about The Vampire. As The Vampire, Martin Kemp appears to be absolutely miserable. He comes across as if he’d rather be anywhere than appearing in this movie.
That said, the film’s director got her start working with Francis Ford Coppola and she has a good eye for gothic scenery and atmosphere. A scene where Charlotte imagines a frat party turning into a Hellish orgy is effectively done. Jennifer Tilly has a small role as a vampire and she has said that Quentin Tarantino approached her at the Oscars to tell her that he enjoyed the movie. It’s a silly movie (yes, third time I’ve used that specific term and that should tell you just how silly it is) but, for better or worse, it epitomizes an era.
Someone’s killing businessman in Las Vegas and it’s up to the vice squad to figure out who. Captain Bronski (James Gammon) knows that his cops are going to need some help so he brings in a detective named Joe (Sam J. Jones). Joe is a tough-talking, hard-drinking modern day cowboy who even owns a hat. He doesn’t think that women should be investigating major crimes and that brings him into conflict with his new partners, especially Andrea (Shannon Tweed).
Despite not being happy about having to work together, Joe and Andrea put aside their differences long enough to investigate the murders and fall in love. They discover that all of the men used the same escort service. Could the murderer be a pimp named Tony (Branscombe Richmond, who played Bobby Sixkiller on Renegade) or could it be a renegade prostitute (played by Rebecca FerattI) who is called Christy in the movie but who is listed as being named Allison in the end credits? Or could it be someone closer to the vice squad?
Hard Vice is a typical late night Cinemax crime movie, heavy on the neon and the synthesized music but light on unexpected plot twists. There are still a few things about the movie that set it apart from other movies of the era. First off, this movie features a man armed only with a handgun managing to blow up a helicopter. Secondly, even though the film is set in the 90s, the vice squad is stuck using bulky computers from the 80s and the scene where they use the computer to look up information on the victims has to be seen to be believed. Finally, any movie that brings Shannon Tweed and Rebecca Feratti together is worthy of a little appreciation. Toss in Sam J. Jones and James Gammon sounding like he’s been smoking six packs of cigarettes a day and you’ve got a film that’s almost worth watching.
Hard Vice was directed by Joey Travolta, who is best known for being John’s younger brother. This was the first film he ever directed and, checking with the imdb, I was surprised to discover that he’s directed a lot more since. Joey’s direction in Hard Vice isn’t that bad, though Las Vegas is one of those cities where it’s probably impossible not to come up with an interesting shot or two if you’re filming there. Travolta tosses in a few flash forwards to make sure that we know we’re watching a real film and not just your run-of-the-mill neo-noir. They don’t add much to the plot but when you’re trying to establish your auteur credentials, I guess you do what you have to do.
The 1987 film Gor opens with a nerdy college professor (played by Urbano Barberini, of Demons and Opera fame) giving perhaps the worst lecture in the history of underwhelming lectures. The professor explains that there is a counter-earth, a place that he claims is known as Gor. Gor shares the same orbit as Earth but it’s linearly opposed to Earth, which apparently makes it impossible to see. However, the professor says that his father gave him a ring which can transport the user to Gor. The only problem is that the professor has not figured out how to use the ring.
The students all look incredibly bored with the lecture and I don’t blame them. Not only does the professor seem to be rambling but he doesn’t even offer up any visual aides. He could have at least utilized a powerpoint presentation or something. Instead, his only teaching aide is a whiteboard on which he’s written “counter-earth.” I have to wonder what their final exam is going to look like. “True or false. Your professor is a freaking loon.”
(I found myself wondering what university would possibly grant tenure to some guy who thinks he owns a magic ring but then I remembered Evergreen College.)
The professor’s name is Tarl Cabot and I think that’s a good deal of his problem right there. When you give a child a name like Tarl Cabot, you’re pretty much guaranteeing that he’s going to grow up believing that he has a magic ring that’ll transport him to another planet.
Of course, in Tarl’s case, it turns out that the ring does just that. After his teaching assistant dumps him so that she can go on a date with another professor, Tarl crashes his car and when he wakes up, he finds himself on Gor. Apparently, the ring only works if you crash your car or something.
As for Gor itself, it turns out to be kind of a dump. It’s a huge desert. Seriously, check out this counter-earth:
If Tarl wanted to see a desert, he could have just driven around Southern California and saved himself a lot of trouble.
Yes, there is trouble in Gor. No sooner has Tarl arrived then he’s being attacked by a bunch of barbarians on horseback. The barbarians are led by the evil Sarm (played by Oliver Reed). Much as with the case of Tarl Cabot, I think that once you name a child Sarm, you’ve pretty much guaranteed the way that his life is going to turn out. Anyway, Tarl somehow survives being attacked by the barbarians. He even manages to kill Sarm’s son, which leads to Sarm declaring that he wants Tarl dead.
Fortunately, Tarl is eventually rescued by another group of barbarians. This group is led by Talena (Rebecca Ferratti) and she wants Tarl to help her rescue her father from Sarm’s fortress. But how can Tarl help when he’s literally useless? Don’t worry! The good barbarians are willing to train Tarl. One montage later, Tarl is now a master swordsman. Now, all Tarl has to do is dress like a barbarian and then track down a little person who can serve as a guide to Sarm’s fortress!
And what a fortress it is! Sarm may be evil but he likes to make sure that both his guests and his slaves have a good time. Sarm welcomes Tarl to the fortress and even tries to recruit him over to his side. (So apparently, Sarm’s over that whole “you killed my son” thing.) Sarm understands that the best way to recruit Tarl is with a dance number! As Sarm laughs lustfully, the slaves put on a show. It’s somewhat out-of-place but at least it distracts from the rest of the film.
Anyway, there’s a lot of problems with Gor but the main one is that the place itself just doesn’t seem like it’s worth all the trouble. After spending years trying to figure out how to get to the planet, Tarl arrives and discovers that it’s basically the same desert that was used in almost every post-apocalyptic film made in the 80s and 90s. (In fact, judging from John Carter, it’s still being used today.) What I always wonder about this type of movie is 1) why is the other planet always full of humans who speak perfect English and 2) why do all of these planets feature a society that resembles that ancient Roman Empire? Apparently, swords and arrows are literally universal weapons because they’re used on every planet in the universe.
When I first saw that this film starred Urbano Barberini, I assumed that it was going to turn out to be an Italian production. (In the late 80s, there were several Italian films that featured barbarians fighting in post-apocalyptic landscapes.) However, it turns out that Gor was a South African production, co-produced by the legendary Harry Alan Towers and directed by an American named Firtz Kiersch. (Kiersch also directed the first film version of Children of the Corn.) That said, the film itself is so ineptly dubbed and the production values are so low-budget that it would still be easy to mistake Gor for a film directed by Bruno Mattei or Claudio Fragasso.
Because he’s so badly dubbed, it’s difficult to really judge Barberini’s performance as Tarl Cabot. At the very least, he looks good with a sword in his hand and he’s cute — if never quite believable — when he plays Tarl as a neurotic physicist. However, Barberini can’t really compete with Oliver Reed, who devours every inch of scenery that he can find. Reed bellows and laughs and appears to be drunk in almost every scene in which he appears but at least he seems to be having a good time. Reed is also required to wear a silly helmet in most of his scenes and I sincerely hope that he got to take it home with him.
Oliver Reed isn’t the only familiar face to pop up in Gor. There’s also Jack Palance. Palance only shows up for about two minutes and he looks rather confused as he discusses his plan to conquer the world. (Apparently, Palance returned in Gor‘s sequel.) For two minutes of screen time, Palance managed to score himself third billing in the opening credits of Gor, above even Oliver Reed! Way to go, Jack!
Anyway, Gor is a pretty stupid movie. I appreciated the random dance number but otherwise, it’s fairly dull and only occasionally enlivened by Oliver Reed’s refusal to go gently into that dark night. I’m going to guess that films like this were popular with filmgoers who saw themselves as real-life Tarl Cabots and who spent their spare time thinking, “Nobody will laugh at me once they see me with a sword!” I caught the film yesterday on Comet TV, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite channels for watching bad movies.
Elite cop Sam Kettle (Sam J. Jones) just wants to get out of Los Angeles and live a peaceful life with his girlfriend, Sara (Linda Blair), but the streets have other plans. The evil Kendrick (Gustav Vintas) has kidnapped Dr. London (Bill Erwin) and is determined to get the code for a deadly bioweapon. For reasons that are never made clear, Kendrick has also kidnapped young Joanna (Joanna Chong). Backing Kendrick up is the evil Miss Amy (Rebecca Ferrati). Backing up Kettle is Joanna’s uncle, Jun Kim (Jun Chong) and Bernard (Phillip Rhee), the son of Oyama (Mako), the owner of the local dojo. Can Sam save the world, saved the doctor and the girl, and also save his relationship with Sara?
Through the Shattered Lens 