Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.10 “Kind of a Drag”

Posted on January 16, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

Episode 1.10 “Kind of a Drag”

(Dir by Bernard L. Kowalski, originally aired on December 2nd, 1995)

Someone is putting on a dress and a rubber Richard Nixon mask and attacking drag performers! After one performer is pulled out of the ocean (“It’s a wig!” a lifeguard shouts after pulling off the performer’s blonde hair), Mitch, Garner, and Ryan are hired to discover what’s going on.

They suspect that the attacker could be Duncan Valentine (Stuart Fratkin), the son of a former sitcom star who is trying to put together a movie about her life. (His mother’s catchphrase was, “Wait until your father comes home!”) Needless to say, someone is going to have to go undercover as a drag performer to catch the killer. Which means that it’s time for Ryan to give Mitch a makeover!

Garner also goes undercover as Whoopi Goldberg but we don’t really get to see much of him in his red dress and wig.

While Mitch is performing a song, the assailant in the Richard Nixon mask shoots him! No worries. Mitch is wearing a bullet-proof vest. What does worry me is that the assailant then heads to the dressing room but no one bothers to call the police or follow him down there. Are they trying to catch this guy or not? Instead, everyone gathers around Mitch to make sure that he’s okay. Eventually, Ryan does say, “Call 911,” but I’m not sure why you would wait so long to do that when there’s a gun-toting maniac in the same building as you.

Anyway, it turns out that Duncan is innocent. Instead, the assailant is revealed to be a drag performer who is upset that he wasn’t cast as Duncan’s mother in the biopic.

This episode was …. actually, considering that it’s from the 90s, it could have been worse. Yes, a good deal of the show is taken up with scenes of David Hasselhoff struggling to walk in heels and revealing that no one has ever taught him the right way to sit down while wearing a short skirt. (Ryan really should have given him some advice as far as that’s concerned.) And yes, Mitch’s girlfriend did happen walk in on Mitch while he was wearing a dress. (Fortunately, she’s thrilled to discover that Mitch is getting in touch with his feminine side.) And yes, the villain did turn out to be a deranged drag performer who apparently believed that he actually was Duncan Valentine’s mother. However, for the most part, the show did treat the other drag performers with respect and it didn’t attempt to play the attacks on them for laughs. Mitch, Garner, and Ryan treat them like they would any other clients. In 1995, that was probably the best anyone could expect.

Next week, the show undergoes the first of many format changes!

Last Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.4 “Deadly Vision”

Posted on December 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, Mitch reveals a new talent!

Episode 1.4 “Deadly Vision”

(Dir by Paul Lynch, originally aired on October 21st, 1995)

The highlight of this week’s episode is an extended sequence in which Mitch (David Hasselhoff) goes undercover. He’s trying to protect his friend Destiny (Lisa Stahl) from a serial killer. Because Destiny spends her days doing Tarot card readings in Malibu, Mitch decides that the best way to keep an eye on her is to dress up like a mime and perform for the crowds.

The crowds love Mitch, which leads me to wonder if maybe Mitch has some sort of previous mime experience. I mean, either Mitch has had some professional training or pretending to be in a box is the easiest thing in the world to master because Mitch pulls it off like a pro.

At one point, Mitch poses with a cardboard cut-out of Bill Clinton.

Mitch does quite a bit as a mime. He gets locked in an invisible box. He juggles invisible balls. He sings a silent song. He even chases down and catches a thief. What Mitch does not do is catch the serial killer. The serial killer, who is probably not a fan of mimes, does not show up. In fact, one could argue that Mitch doesn’t really accomplish any thing of particular importance while pretending to be a mime but the whole sequence pretty much epitomizes everything that makes Baywatch Nights so much fun. David Hasselhoff as a mime? It makes no sense but it’s fun! A random cardboard cut-out of Bill Clinton? It makes no sense but it’s fun! Baywatch Nights is a fun show, precisely because it is so shamelessly silly.

Of course, Destiny is not having as much fun as Mitch is. Destiny is continually having vision of people with whom she is casually acquainted being murdered. Mitch and Garner (Gregory Alan Williams) have no problem believing that Destiny is having visions of the killer attacking people. Ryan (Angie Harmon) is a bit more skeptical and I was happy about that, just because I’m also pretty skeptical about people who say that they can see the future. It’s nice to have a character to whom I can relate on this show. Mitch, Ryan and Garner think that the killer might be a con artist and a gigolo who they’re already investigating. However, the show reveals early on that Destiny is being stalked by a crazed painter named Burt (Carl Weintraub). Burt is obsessed with Destiny and he doesn’t like it when Destiny talks to other people, whether she’s telling their fortune or helping them investigate a crime.

In the end, the killer is thwarted and Destiny’s life is saved. Hopefully, Mitch will continue to pursue his career as a mime because he’s got the talent! I mean, you can’t lifeguard forever, right?

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.3 “Silent Witness”

Posted on November 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mitch proves that he still has much to learn about being a private investigator.

Episode 1.3 “Silent Witness”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on October 14th, 1995)

Have you ever wondered why Mitch’s career as a private investigator didn’t last longer than just two years?

The simple answer, of course, is that Baywatch Nights did not exactly get the best ratings and the show was canceled after two seasons. Despite the fact that Baywatch Nights is an undeniably fun show, it was undoubtedly harmed by the fact that it didn’t feature lifeguards running in slow motion. It was a Baywatch spin-off that had little of what attracted viewers to the original show. Personally, I would think that the presence of David Hasselhoff would be enough but apparently, audiences in the 90s disagreed.

However, in-universe, I think Mitch’s failure to stick with the detective thing is that it doesn’t appear that he was very good at it.

Consider this episode. Hayley Cartwright (Paige Moss) is a teenage runaway who, while walking along the beach, spots a man in the ocean being pulled under the water and drowned by someone wearing a diving outfit. The murderer emerges from the ocean and tries to grab Haley. Haley gets away but not before the killer shouts at her to keep quiet or she’ll be next.

Mitch, who is jogging across the beach, spots a stunned and bruised Haley collapsing on the beach. Mitch checks out her injuries and assures her that she’s okay but Haley, who is understandably scared of everyone, runs away from him.

Later, Mitch is approached by a woman (Debby Boone) who says that her name is Lorraine and that she is Haley’s daughter. Lorraine says that she just wants her daughter to come home and she asks Mitch to help find her. Mitch agrees and sets out to find Haley while giving Lorraine regular updates.

Here’s what Mitch does not do. He doesn’t bother to ask for any identification from Lorraine. He doesn’t check out Lorraine’s story before agreeing to help her. He doesn’t stop to consider that Haley might have a reason for acting like she’s scared for her life. And really, it would have been good if Mitch had considered all of that because guess what? LORRAINE IS NOT HALEY’S MOTHER! Instead, she’s working with the killers!

Fortunately, Haley’s real mother (Janet Eilber) shows up and tells Ryan and Garner that she’s looking for her daughter. Ryan and Garner actually ask the woman for identification and the woman reveals that she not only has her driver’s license but she also brought Haley’s birth certificate! It’s a good thing that Haley’s real mom showed up because Mitch has found Haley hiding on a fishing boat and now, he’s having to defend her from the killers! Now, fortunately, Mitch may not be a good detective but he’s still David Hasselhoff so he is able to beat up the killers and save Haley’s life.

It’s a fairly standard episode, in that it’s not particularly memorable but the California scenery is nice to look at and it’s a show you can relax with. That said, the episode does have a brilliant opening, in which Mitch and Garner save Destiny from some bank robbers that are menacing her in an amusement park. This leads to a fight on a Ferris wheel and a miracle-go-round. Destiny is nearly run over by a miniature train! It’s a fun and over-the-top sequence, one that has next to nothing to do with the rest of the episode but it does indicate that the people involved in the show knew better than to take any of this too seriously.

Finally, Ryan gets a minor plot, in which she buys a home in Malibu, just to discover that she’s basically purchased land in a trailer park. It was silly but it showed off Angie Harmon and David Hasselhoff’s likable and playful chemistry. Watching the two of them together, it’s hard not to regret that Mitch wasn’t a better detective.