Y’ Gotta Have Heart”

Posted on December 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Pacific Princess continues to be a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Episode 3.20 “Rent a Romeo/Matchmaker, Matchmaker/Y’ Gotta Have Heart”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 26th, 1980)

It’s time for another cruise on the Love Boat and once again, Doc Bricker is trying to get laid.

As I’ve often said in the past, The Pacific Princess really was a floating HR nightmare and that’s especially clear in any episode that opens with Doc bragging about how his latest girlfriend is about to board the ship. This time, Doc is excited because he’s going to be joined by Sherry Holtham (Misty Rowe), who apparently took an acting class with Doc. Imagine Doc’s surprise when Sherry boards the ship with her sister, the insecure and recently dumped Carol (Vicki Lawrence)!

Doc desperately wants some alone time with Sherry but, in order for that to happen, he’s going to have to find someone to show Carol a good time. Gopher turns Doc down. The Captain turns Doc down. Fortunately, however, there is a legendary swinger on the boat. Rod Baylor (football star Joe Namath) is on the boat and he’s always looking for a good time! Gopher lies and tells Rod that Carol is notorious for being wild. Rod takes a shot….

….and gets turned down because he came on too strong. Gopher suggests that Rod open up to her about his insecurities. Rod doesn’t have any insecurities but he lies to Carol and tells her that he’s actually very shy and reserved. Carol is sympathetic and gives Rod her therapist’s card.

I guess the important thing here is that Sherry and Doc got to spend some time together. They even get to wear matching red kimonos! At the end of the cruise, Doc says a cheerful goodbye to Sherry but Rod is stuck with Carol and he looks absolutely miserable about it so …. wow, that was kind of a mean-spirited story, to be honest.

Speaking of sex, Sarah Conkle (Brett Somers) refuses to have sex with her husband, Harvey (Phil Harris), because she’s worried he’ll have another heart attack and die. In fact, she spends almost the entire cruise telling Harvey not to do anything because she doesn’t think he’s healthy enough. Finally, Harvey takes two bottle of champagne down to the cabin and he and Sarah not only have sex (off-screen, of course) but Harvey lives! Sarah is so impressed that she lets Harvey carry their suitcases off the boat. I’m going to guess that Harvey probably died a few days later.

Finally, young Jimmy Hopkins (Mark James) boards the ship with his amicably divorced parents, Evelyn (Ja’net DuBois) and Andrew (Cleavon Little). Jimmy hopes that he can bring his parents back together (awwww!) and Vicki decides to help Jimmy come up with a plan. That plan is to basically lie to every single man on the ship about Evelyn being married to a scary football player so that they’ll all stay away from her. Jimmy also helps out by telling one of Evelyn’s suitors that he can’t wait for him to be his new stepfather. (That guy is never seen again.) Eventually, Evelyn and Andrew tell Jimmy that, though their marriage didn’t work, they will always love each other and that they will always be a part of his life. Awwwww!

This was a mixed bag of an episode. The storyline about Jimmy and his parents was sweet (even if it did involve a lot of lying) and featured good performances from DuBois and Little. The storyline about the old couple was, if you’ll forgive the expression, dead in the water. As for the Namath/Lawrence/Rowe storyline, it was pretty silly. To be honest, any story that features Doc successfully seducing someone while wearing his red kimono is pretty silly. Vicki Lawrence’s character didn’t go to do much, other than cry and complain. Joe Namath, while hardly an actor of great range, had a goofy likability to him. This episode was a breezy way to pass the time, even if it’s not one of the more memorable episodes of the series.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”

Posted on February 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles everyone! Smiles!

Episode 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”

(Dir by Georg Stanford Brown, Originally aired on December 2nd, 1978)

Tattoo has come up with a new way to become a millionaire! He’s invented a sleeping bag that he claims can hold two people. Mr. Roarke is a bit skeptical that the small roll of material that Tattoo is holding could possibly be big enough to hold two people. Tattoo tells him that all he has to do is remove a key and the material will inflate. Roarke removes the key and several feathers explode into the air. Tattoo shrugs and says that he obviously has to get back to the drawing board.

“Inventor indeed,” Mr. Roarke says, in a tone that suggests that the only he reason he’s not physically killing Tattoo is because it’s time for them to greet their guests.

(Why is Tattoo always trying to make extra money? Does Fantasy Island not pay well?)

This week, the fantasies are all about reliving the past. Charlie Parks (Phil Silvers) and Will Fields (Phil Harris) used to be stars on Vaudeville but, like so many of the old time entertainers, they’ve now found themselves forgotten. Charlie’s even been put in a nursing home. Still, he manages to make the trip to Fantasy Island, where his fantasy is to be reunited with Will so that they can try to bring Vaudeville back to life.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work. Tattoo loves their corny old jokes but when they perform for a larger audience, they only get a few pity chuckles. Dejected, Charlie plans to return to his retirement home when he and Will are approached by a man who claims that he works for the city of Baltimore. (Oh no! Run!) The man explains that he wants to hire Charlie and Will to perform at nursing homes, where their old-fashioned routines will enliven the golden years of people who don’t like loud music and R-rated movies. Charlie and Will agree. Yay!

Meanwhile, Dorothy Weller (Carol Lynley) is a woman who has spent the past few months in a coma. Now, she’s not sure if the man she thought she loved really existed or if he was just someone she dreamed up while she was in the hospital. Mr. Roarke arranges for her to travel to a recreation of the same Mexican town where she met the mystery man. She finds her former lover, Tom Parnell (Stuart Whitman), on the beach. Tom explains that he is real and he is in love with her. He’s also a spy and there’s an international assassin (an appropriately sinister Luke Askew) after him!

This episode was kind of a mixed bag. The Vaudeville fantasy featured charming performances from Phil Silvers and Phil Harris but their jokes were never quite as funny as Tattoo seemed to think that they were. The spy fantasy was not helped by the casting of the reliably dull Stuart Whitman but the story itself was intriguing and Carol Lynley gave a believable and emotional performance as Dorothy. The end result was a thoroughly pleasant but not altogether memorable trip to Fantasy Island. But really, when it comes to Fantasy Island, hasn’t the appeal always been just how pleasant everything is?

Well, except for the relationship between Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, of course. I still suspect Tattoo is secretly plotting to kill Mr. Roarke and take over the island. Who knows? Maybe that’ll be a future episode. We’ll find out soon!

The Gatling Gun (1971, directed by Robert Gordon)

Posted on January 4, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

In the post-civil war west, two Calvary troopers steal a Gatling Gun, the weapon that was invented to be such a powerful instrument of death that people would stop fighting wars just to avoid finding themselves in front of its barrel. (It didn’t work out that way, of course.) With the help of a pacifist reverend named Harper (John Carradine), they smuggle the gun into Apache territory. Rev. Harper thinks that the gun is going to be destroyed and, thus, another instrument death will be eliminated. from the world Instead, the greedy troopers are planning on selling the gun to Apache Chief Two Knife (Carlos Rivas). Two Knife has promised a fortune’s worth of gold to anyone who can deliver to him the deadliest weapon in the west.

Before the gun can be exchanged, the reverend, his daughter, and the two deserters are intercepted by a group of Calvary troops led by Lt. Wayne Malcolm (Guy Stockwell). One of the deserters is killed while the other, Pvt. Sneed (Robert Fuller) is captured.

However, Chief Two Knife still wants what he calls “the king gun.” Malcolm and his troops find themselves pinned down by the Apaches. Can Malcolm, with the help of a rancher (Phil Harris), a scout (Woody Strode), and a cook (Pat Buttram), keep both the gun and the all important firing pin from falling into the hands of Two Knife?

The Gatling Gun is a low-budget western that would probably be today forgotten except that it has fallen into the public domain and has been included in several DVD box sets. It has the flat, generic look of a Western television show and Guy Stockwell’s stiff performance may be believable for a 19th century Calvary captain but it’s still doesn’t exactly make for compelling viewing. The main problem is that the most exciting and interesting part of the story, the two deserters stealing the gun and tricking the Reverend into helping them, occurs off-screen and the movie instead begins with Malcolm capturing Sneed.

Western fans will mostly want to watch this one to see John Carradine and Woody Strode, two very different actors who were both favorites of John Ford’s and who appeared in several other, better westerns. (Strode and Carradine had both previously appeared in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, to name just one example.) Carradine is typically theatrical, delivering his lines like the old Shakespearean that he was. Strode, as usual, is stoic but his imposing screen presence makes him the most memorable of the film’s heroes. Also keep an eye out for Patrick “son of John” Wayne, playing the rancher’s son.

Though The Gatling Gun has the look of a film that was shot on a studio backlot in Hollywood, it was actually filmed, on location, in New Mexico. The state’s then-governor, David Cargo, has a small role as Corporal Benton and is listed in the credits as “Honorable Governor David Cargo.” A look at his imdb page reveals that David Cargo appeared in four films while he was governor. All of them were filmed in New Mexico so I guess casting the governor was a requirement for filming in that state. When Cargo left office in 1971, his movie career ended.

Film Review: The Cool Ones (dir by Gene Nelson)

Posted on April 27, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The year is 1967 and who are The Cool Ones?

They’re the kids, of course! They’re the wild and crazy kids who go to Palm Beach and who listen to rock music and who wear open vests and short skirts and who are all doing the latest dance! You may see that this movie was made in 1967 and you might assume that this is going to be a film about hippies, like Psych-Out. But no, these kids aren’t hippies. Instead, they’re the 1967 equivalent of the clean-cut teens who used to appear in beach party movies and 1950s rock and roll films.

The kids are all dancing the Tantrum! What’s the Tantrum? It’s a dance that was created by accident. Hallie Rogers (Debbie Watson) was a dancer on an American Bandstand-style show but, when she realized that the show’s producers lied to her about eventually allowing her to sing on the show, she threw a fit. She grabbed the microphone of special musical guest Glen Campbell and attempted to turn his performance into a duet. When security showed up to drag her off the set, she struggled with them. Those watching the show assumed that Hallie had just created a new dance called The Tantrum.

After getting fired from the show, Hallie goes to a club, where she witnesses a performance by a former teen idol named Cliff Donner (Gil Peterson). After Hallie fights off an obnoxious wannabe beatnik who refuses to accept that she doesn’t want to dance with him (Go, Hallie!), Cliff immediately recognizes her as the creator of the Tantrum. Hallie wants to be a star. Cliff once was a star. Maybe they can work together!

Fortunately, the owner of club, Herbert Krum (Robert Coote), just happens to be the older brother of Tony Krum (Roddy McDowall), a notoriously egocentric rock promoter. How egocentric is Tony? Well, he’s played by Roddy McDowall and, even by the standards of a typical Roddy McDowall character, Tony is eccentric. Tony demands that Herbert prove that they’re actually brothers. He cries when he discovers that his psychiatrist is pregnant. He’s given too sudden moods swing and sudden bursts of inspiration, the majority of which involve Tony holding up his finger and shouting, “Ah ha!” Tony has a plan. He can make Cliff and Hallie into superstars by convincing the world that they’re in love with each other! He can even get them their own TV show!

However …. what if Cliff and Hallie actually are in love? Unfortunately, Cliff has some paranoia issues of his own and he’s convinced that Hallie is only pretending to love him so that she can become a star. Will Cliff and Hallie finally end up together and free from the manipulative hand of Tony Krum?

As you may be able to guess just from reading the plot description, The Cool Ones is an extremely silly film. The plot makes little sense and Tony Krum is such an over-the-top character that it becomes impossible to take anything involving him seriously. That said, The Cool Ones is also an incredibly fun movie and it’s obvious that Roddy McDowall had so much fun playing Tony that it’s impossible not to enjoy watching him dig into the role. The Cool Ones is a big, flamboyant, and colorful film, the type of movie that represents less what the 60s were and more what we wish they were. Admittedly, Gil Peterson is a bit of stiff in the role of the self-righteous Cliff but Roddy McDowall and Debbie Watson bring so much energy to the film that it doesn’t matter that Cliff doesn’t seem like he would be a cool one is real life. The music is airy and fun, the dance scenes are entertaining and energetic, and the whole film is just like a pop art time capsule. The Cool Ones is a cool way to spend 90 minutes.

Jack in the Saddle: BUCK BENNY RIDES AGAIN (Paramount 1940)

Posted on January 24, 2019 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

The gang’s all here in BUCK BENNY RIDES AGAIN – Jack Benny’s radio gang, that is! Eddie “Rochester” Anderson, announcer Don Wilson, band leader Phil Harris, comic actor Andy Devine, and crooner Dennis Day all show up for this fun-filled musical comedy romp directed by Mark Sandrich. Even Jack’s radio nemesis Fred Allen is heard (though not seen) cracking jokes at his rival’s expense!

The movie plays like an extended sketch from one of Jack’s radio or TV programs, as the vain Jack falls for pretty Joan Cameron (Ellen Drew), one of a trio of singing sisters (the other two are Virginia Dale and Lillian Cornell) trying to break into show biz. They “meet cute” when Jack accidentally smashes into Joan’s taxi. Jack keeps flubbing his chances with Joan, who only goes for manly, rugged Western types (“I wouldn’t go out with him if he drove up in a sleigh…

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An Oscar Extra: SO THIS IS HARRIS (RKO 1933)

Posted on March 4, 2018 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

Tonight is Hollywood’s big night, the 90th annual Academy Awards presentation. In Oscar’s honor, I’d like to present the Best Short winner for the 1932-33 season, SO THIS IS HARRIS. Crooner/bandleader Phil Harris stars as himself in this Pre-Code classic, along with comic actor Walter Catlett as a homebrew making husband jealous of his wife’s infatuation with the singer. Mark Sandrich, later the director of four Fred Astaire /Ginger Rogers romps, uses some innovative techniques, including the kaleidoscopic opening and neat swipes, to create a fast-paced, fun little outing. And wait til you get a load of the “Singing in the Shower” number – now THAT’S Pre-Code! Also featuring perennial Laurel & Hardy nemesis James Finlayson (“D’oh!”), enjoy SO THIS IS HARRIS, and happy Oscar viewing!: