Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #20: Girl In The Box (dir by Stephen Kemp)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Sunday, December 4th!  Will she make it?  Considering that she only has a day left, probably not.  But keep checking the site to find out!)

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Girl in the Box originally aired on Lifetime on September 10th and I have to admit that I specifically chose to record it as opposed to watching it.  That’s because Girl In The Box was based on the true story of the kidnapping and 7 year enslavement of Colleen Stan.  It’s an incredibly disturbing story and I knew that, much like last year’s Cleveland Abduction, Girl In The Box would give me nightmares.

And, having now watched the film, I think I probably made the right decision.  Girl In The Box is an incredibly unsettling film, one that is all the more upsetting for being based on a true story.

In 1977, 20 year-old Colleen (played by Addison Timlin) is hitchhiking from Oregon to California.  We watch as Colleen turns down two prospective rides, one from a group of frat boys and one from an older couple that wasn’t going far enough.  When she does accept a ride, it’s from Cameron Hooker (Zane Holtz) and his wife, Janice (Zelda Williams).  What we know, but Colleen doesn’t, is that Cameron has just recently murdered another woman that he abducted.

Soon, Colleen is being held prisoner in a tiny wooden box, only being brought out so that she can be abused and raped by Cameron.  Cameron forces her to sign a “slave contract” and he tells her that he is a part of a much larger conspiracy.  Even if Colleen could escape, he tells her, his associates would track her down and kill both her and her family.  Slowly, Colleen’s will is broken down.

And through it all, Janice watches.  Janice, we learn, married Cameron when she was sixteen and he seemed like he was the most handsome and charming guy in the world.  It was after they got married that she discovered that Cameron was a monster.  Cameron justifies his crimes by claiming that, if he wasn’t abusing Colleen, he would be abusing Janice.  Janice, the film suggests, is just as brainwashed as Colleen.  They are both prisoners of a truly evil creature.

(It should be noted that the film is generally sympathetic to Janice.  I’ve read a few true crime accounts of Colleen Stan’s kidnapping that paint a far less forgiving picture.)

Much like Cleveland Abduction, Girl In The Box was difficult for me to watch.  The three main actors totally committed to their roles, taking the audience to a very dark place, one that was all the more disturbing for being real.  Zane Holtz revealed Cameron’s evil and sadistic side while, at the same time, showing how he could easily fool the rest of the world into thinking that he was a normal, likable guy.  Zelda Williams portrayed Janice’s growing horror at realizing what her life has become, while at the same time never entirely letting Janice off the hook for her part in Cameron’s crimes.  And Addison Timlin was courageously vulnerable as Colleen.

It’s hard for me to recommend Girl In The Box because it really is such an unpleasant film.  I mean, this is not a film to watch if you’re just looking for a relaxing night in front of the TV.  But I do think it has an important message.  There are other Cameron Hookers out there and the reason that they thrive is because, far too often, people are scared to get involved.  There were so many times that Cameron’s crimes could have been exposed if only people were willing to follow up their concerns.

Ultimately, Girl In The Box is a story of survival.  Somehow, Colleen Stan survived her ordeal.  I don’t know if I could have.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #19: I Know Where Lizzie Is (dir by Darin Scott)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th!  Will she make it?  Considering that she only has a day left, probably not.  But keep checking the site to find out!)

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I recorded I Know Where Lizzie Is off of the Lifetime Movie Network on July 31st.  I also watched it while recording it and it’s a pretty good thing I did because, as the result of a glitch with the DVR, I only recorded the final hour!  So, when you read this review, be aware that at least half of it is being done on the basis of my possibly faulty memory.

I Know Where Lizzie Is is a hybrid of two popular Lifetime genres.  On the one hand, you have an abducted child storyline.  Teenager Lizzie Holden (Madison Iseman) has a fight with her mom, sneaks out of the house, and never comes home.  Her amicably divorced parents, Judith (Tracey Gold) and Martin (Richard Rucculo), desperately try to track down their daughter.  What they don’t know is that Lizzie is being held prisoner by a man wearing what appears to be a Michael Myers mask.

I Know Where Lizzie Is is also an unwanted guest film.  In an unwanted guest film, a seemingly friendly but secretly malicious stranger moves into an otherwise stable household and tries to destroy the family unit.  In the case of I Know Where Lizzie Is, the stranger is a phony psychic named Tracy (Nadia Bjorlin).  Tracy shows up and claims that she’s had visions of Lizzie.  She knows where Lizzie is!  Of course, the reason that Tracy knows all of this is because she’s in on the kidnapping.

(Before you start screaming at me about spoilers, this is all revealed early on in the film.)

On top of all that, I Know Where Lizzie Is is also an anti-media film.  A somewhat smarmy reporter (Robert Scott Wilson) also movies into the Holden household and he is soon providing nearly 24 hour coverage of the Holdens, the kidnappers, and especially Tracy.   I imagine that a lot of viewers will probably respond to the anti-media message.  I mean, the media is pretty much everyone’s favorite scapegoat at the moment, right?

(It’s hard to believe that just 9 months ago, Spotlight was winning best picture and everyone was talking about how much they loved the media.  It’s amazing how quickly things change.)

Anyway, I Know Where Lizzie Is was very much a typical Lifetime film and how much you enjoy it will depend on how much you enjoy Lifetime films in general.  On the plus side, both Robert Scott Wilson and Nadia Bjorlin did well with their untrustworthy characters.  Plus, the kidnapper in the mask was genuinely creepy!

If you like Lifetime movies, keep an eye out for it.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #13: Honeymoon From Hell (dir by Jake Helgren)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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Now that Thanksgiving has passed and that I’m back home, it’s time for me to get back to cleaning out the DVR.  As a result of my own arbitrary time limit, I have 4 days to watch and review 40 films.  Will I make it!?  Well, we’re about to find out.

Earlier today, I finally got around to watching Honeymoon From Hell!  Honeymoon from Hell originally aired on the Lifetime Movie Network on July 16th!  I can’t remember exactly why I missed it.  Maybe I was watching a killer shark movie.  But anyway, I just watched it and I’m glad that I did!

Honeymoon From Hell was originally entitled The Legend of Alice Flagg.  Who, you might be asking, is Alice Flagg?  In 1849, Alice Flagg was a young woman living in South Carolina.  Alice’s wealthy family was aghast when she fell in love with a common lumberman.  Alice, however, refused to end their relationship.  When the lumberman gave her an engagement ring, Alice knew she couldn’t wear it on her finger so, instead, she attached it to a ribbon and wore it around her neck.  After briefly trying to run away from her controlling family, Alice was taken ill and died.  Her father refused to allow her to be buried with her wedding ring and, as a result, it’s said that the ghost of Alice still haunts South Carolina.  She comes out at night and searches for her wedding ring.

Honeymoon From Hell opens with newlyweds Julia (Lexi Giovagnoli) and Rivers (Adam Hagenbach) listening as a tour guide tells the story of Alice Flagg.  Julia immediately relates to the story.  She also comes from a wealthy family and she has also upset her father by marrying someone from “outside of her class.”  Rivers, on the other hand, is dismissive of the story.  When the tour guide mentions that Alice’s spirit can be summoned by running in a circle around her grave, Rivers proceeds to do just that.

Bad Rivers!

However, at the moment, Rivers and Julia are more concerned with the hurricane that is projected to be heading towards South Carolina.  They get a room in a bed and breakfast that’s run by a seemingly friendly but somewhat odd woman named Hazel (Catherine Hicks).

Julia, who has yet to tell Rivers that she’s pregnant, soon starts to feel that something bad is about to happen.  She’s having strange dreams and, occasionally, she thinks that she sees a mysterious young woman watching her.  (And yet, the woman is always gone upon a second look.)  When Julia sees her husband talking to the flirtatious Janelle Gamble (Cameron Richardson), she starts to get paranoid.  The nightmares get worse.  And then, of course, someone tries to stuff a pillow over her face…

Meanwhile, the storm is approaching…

And Julia has lost her wedding ring…

Honeymoon From Hell was full of atmosphere and creepy melodrama.  Lexi Giovagnoli and Adam Hagenbach make for a likable couple while Cameron Richardson gets all the best lines as Janelle.  Catherine Hicks is wonderfully eccentric as the odd Hazel.  Lifetime’s track record with the horror genre may be uneven but Honeymoon From Hell was a lot of fun.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #9: Inspired To Kill (dir by Michael Feifer)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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Wow, it’s Antonio Sabato, Jr. again!

That’s right, Inspired To Kill co-stars Antonio Sabato, Jr.  Interestingly enough, the previous movie that I watched in my effort to clean out the DVR, Remote Paradise, also co-starred Antonio Sabato, Jr.   Also interestingly enough, both Inspired to Kill and Remote Paradise feature Sabato playing an enigmatic, older man who has an affair with a lonely and insecure woman.  In both films, it turns out that Sabato is not exactly who he first appears to be.  (If you want, feel free to insert your own joke about Sabato endorsing Donald Trump here because I’m too lazy to come up with one.)  Perhaps not coincidentally, both films were directed by Michael Feifer and both films premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network.

(For the record, I recorded Inspired To Kill off of LMN on November 13th.)

Inspired To Kill tells the story of Kara (Karissa Lee Staples), a self-described aspiring writer who is recovering from a personal trauma.  (Her boyfriend was murdered, which is definitely one way to get out of a relationship.)  Having fled the painful memories of her former life in New York City, Kara is now living in Los Angeles and everything should be perfect….

Except, it’s not!

Yes, Kara may be living in L.A. but everyone knows that, if you want to be a real writer, you have to live in NYC.

Yes, Kara has been accepted into a prestigious creative writing program but her professor (Jay Pickett) is a total sleaze who keeps trying to hit on her.

Yes, Kara has managed to land a job as a barista but her boss (Daniel Booko) is a demanding jerk.  He even gets upset when she misses work for several days in a row.

Yes, Kara has met the cute and charming Jason (Matthew Atkinson) but Jason sometimes seems oddly hesitant about pursuing a relationship with her.  (Plus, Jason wants to be a lawyer, which means that, when the revolution does come, he might be on the wrong side.)

Yes, Kara is renting a room from the fun-loving Charlie (Olivia d’Abo) but Charlie is also a heavy drinker and can be a bit self-absorbed.  Charlie’s solution to every problem is to go out, get drunk, and pick up a college student … actually, Charlie might have the right idea…

And yes, Kara has finally managed to meet her idol, the true crime writer P.K. Reese (Antonio Sabato, Jr) but there seems to be something a little bit off about him.  He’s supportive of her as a writer but, at the same time, he gets upset if anyone other than him reads her work.  He says that he wants to meet her friends and yet, he goes out of his way to avoid them.  And when more and more people in her life start to suddenly die, Kara finds herself wondering if maybe her new lover was somehow involved…

You’re probably thinking that you’ve got Inspired To Kill all figured out but there’s a big twist that occurs towards the end of the film.  Now, I have to admit that I figured out the twist, largely because I’ve seen so many Lifetime films that it is now basically impossible to fool me.  But, even with that in mind, the twist was still pretty clever and actually, a lot of fun in its wonderfully implausible way.  I mean, if you’re expecting the twist to actually make any sense than you have no business watching a Lifetime movie in the first place.  Don’t worry about logic.  Just sit back and enjoy the film.

Anyway, I rather liked Inspired To Kill.  It’s an enjoyable and well-acted little thriller, one that will keep you entertained.  It’s the type of unapologetically crazed and lurid melodrama that reminds me why I fell in love with the Lifetime Movie Network in the first place.  Inspired To Kill is a lot of fun.  Keep an eye out for it!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #160: Nightmare Wedding (dir by Jose Montesinos)


Last night, in between wrapping birthday presents and eating dinner, I watched the latest Lifetime premiere, Nightmare Wedding!

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Why Was I Watching It?

It all started a little over 6 years ago when Arleigh asked me if I’d like to review movies for the Shattered Lens.  When I said yes, that meant I was promising to watch and review as many movies as possible.  If I hadn’t watched and reviewed Nightmare Wedding, I would be breaking my promise to Arleigh!

Add to that, Nightmare Wedding was a Lifetime film and I love Lifetime films!  And let’s be honest — how can you not watch something called Nightmare Wedding?  That’s a great title!

What Was It About?

After six years of dating, Max (Isaac Reyes) and Sandy (Nicola Posener) are finally getting married!  However, there’s a bit of a problem: Max’s friend, Roman (Evan Henderson), suddenly shows up for the ceremony.  Before she got together with Max. Sandy briefly dated Roman.  Now, she hates Roman.  Her family hates Roman.  He friends hate Roman.  Everyone hates Roman except for Max!

For his part, Roman is still in love with Sandy and he’s obsessed with both stopping the wedding and winning her back.  And if that means that he has to kill a few people, send a few incriminating text messages, and do a few other shady things, that’s what Roman’s going to do!

Sandy’s friend Lisa (Angie Teodora Dick) attempts to confront Roman about his stalkerish behavior.  Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of doing this while standing on the edge of a cliff.  Roman responds by tossing her over the side.  AGCK!  I hate it when they kill off anyone named Lisa!

What Worked?

This was the epitome of a Lifetime guilty pleasure.  Yes, the plot was totally ludicrous and, to a large extent, Roman’s plan depended upon everyone being an idiot.  But, even with that in mind, the movie was still a lot of fun.  One thing that I especially appreciated was the fact that Roman was so obviously psychotic and yet no one ever seemed to notice or care.  Normally, that might be cause for criticism but Nightmare Wedding pushed things to such an extent that it became oddly charming.

Nicola Posener did a good job in the role of Sandy.  You had sympathy for her and you really did find yourself hoping that she would get to have her dream wedding.  Evan Henderson went so far over the top as Roman that his performance actually worked in a very odd and unexpected sort of way.

(Add to that, Evan bared just enough of a resemblance to Ryan Hansen that I could pretend that I was watching a spin-off of Veronica Mars.)

What Did Not Work?

Max was such a wimp!  Seriously, after about five minutes, I found myself repeatedly shouting, “Be a man!” whenever he showed up on the screen.  You didn’t want Sandy to get together Roman but, at the same time, it was impossible not to feel that she could have done a lot better than Max.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I related to Megan (Gina Vitori), Sandy’s fun-loving sister.  She was determined to have a good time, regardless of how many psychos showed up for the wedding.  Watching Megan defiantly refuse to take the wedding seriously reminded me of my own refusal to take 2016 seriously.  Good for Megan!

Lessons Learned

Never call out a psycho while standing on the edge of a cliff.  It’s just common sense.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #8: Remote Paradise (dir by Michael Feifer)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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I recorded Remote Paradise off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 30th.  As is often the case with Lifetime movies, Remote Paradise was actually produced under a different title: Dark Paradise.  I’m not sure why, exactly, Lifetime decided that Remote was somehow more appealing than Dark.  But regardless, Paradise is Paradise, right?

Anyway, as this film started, I thought I might be able to relate to its story.  I say this despite the fact that, in the starring role, poor Boti Bliss was occasionally forced to wear some of the most unflattering outfits that I’ve ever seen in a Lifetime film.  Seriously, a huge reason why I watch Lifetime films is because I like seeing what people are wearing and how they decorate their homes.  At the start of the movie, Tamara (played, of course, by Boti Bliss) not only wears horrid overalls but she also lives in a pretty small and cramped house.  That was definitely a red flag.

However, once I got over her house and her sense of style, I started to relate to Tamara.  At the start of the film, she’s informed that her father has died and she’s inherited close to 8 million dollars!  A shocked Tamara mentions that she and her father didn’t even get along.

Hey! I thought, I used to fight with my Dad too!

Since Tamara has just broken up with her boyfriend, she decides to invest the money by going on a trip with her two best girlfriends.

Hey!  I thought, I’m close to my girlfriends too!

So, they got to Hawaii.

OH MY GOD!  I yelled I’VE BEEN TO HAWAII!

While in Hawaii, Tamara meets a sexy boat captain who claims that his name is Dario (played by Antonio Sabato, Jr).  Dario says that he’s from Italy.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?  I’VE BEEN TO ITALY!

Soon, Tamara is swept off her feet by the handsome but mysterious Dario.  She spends all of her time with him, dreaming of their future together.

OH MY GOD, I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR HANDSOME AND MYSTERIOUS TOO!

Meanwhile, one of her friends is beat into a coma by an unknown attacker….

Okay, I can’t relate to that.  I guess I should be happy about that…

One morning, Tamara wakes up to discover that not only is Dario gone but so is her bank account.  That’s right, Dario stole all of her money and then fled Hawaii!

Sorry, Tamara, can’t relate…

And — oh my God! — Dario’s not even Italian!  Tamara learns that Dario has been overheard speaking in Portuguese!  OH MY GOD — HE’S BRAZILIAN!

Okay, I’ve lost the ability to relate to the movie…

And so, Tamara and her non-coma friend go to Brazil, looking for revenge.  And I will say this for “Dario.”  He may be sleazy.  He may be evil.  He may be every woman’s worst nightmare.  But damn!, he’s got a nice house!

I like nice houses!  But … no, sorry, still no longer relating…

Anyway, Remote Paradise is okay.  Boti Bliss has been in several Lifetime films and she always tends to overact but that actually worked to her advantage here as Tamara seemed to be an overly dramatic person in general.  (I especially enjoyed the way she spat out the word “bastard,” when she saw Dario’s car.)  The story’s predictable but there’s a last minute twist that will not take you by surprise but, fortunately, the film does shy away from letting the Tamara pursue her vengeance.  In the end, what’s important is that the beach looked good and so did Brazil and so did Antonio Sabato, Jr.

And, most importantly, so did his house!

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #6: Who Killed My Husband? (dir by David Winning)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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I recorded Who Killed My Husband off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 16th.

Who Killed My Husband opens with Detective Douglas Howell (Jim Thorburn) on top of the world!  He’s recently married a fellow detective, Sophie (Andrea Bowen).  He’s got a teenage daughter named Chloe (Yasmeene Ball) and Chloe may have extremely severe asthma and she may be having a hard time adjusting to her new stepmother but everything’s going to be okay, right?  After all, it’s her birthday!  All Doug has to do is drive out to the local bakery and pick up her birthday cake!

Doug’s life is so perfect that I’m surprised that he doesn’t have a personalized license plates that read, “Live4Eva.”  Because, seriously, when everything’s going this perfect, there’s no way that some sudden tragedy could occur, right?

Well, if that was the case, there wouldn’t be many Lifetime movies.  And, just because of this movie’s title, we already know what’s going to happen to Doug before he even steps into that bakery…

Doug picks up his cake but then he notices that a mysterious man in a hoodie is loitering inside the bakery.  “Hey,” Doug says, “this place is closed.”  (That’s not an exact quote and no, I’m not going to rewatch the damn film just to get the exact quote.  It’s close enough.)  The man turns around, draws a gun, and shoots Doug!

TRAGEDY!

Anyway, Sophie spends a while on desk duty but eventually, her brother — who also happens to be her boss — gives her an undercover assignment.  Apparently, someone is embezzling money from the local cybertech company.  Sophie’s given a job at the company and she’s also given an office!  Fortunately, everyone who works at the company is always having incriminating conversations right outside her office.  That should make it easy to solve the case.  Except…

That’s right, there’s a twist!  First off, the owner of the company is mysteriously blown up and his wife doesn’t seem to care.  Sophie finds herself attracted to a coworker but wonders if she can trust him.  Then, when she’s climbing a wall as a part of team-building exercise, she nearly plunges to her death!  There’s more than just embezzlement going on at this company and somehow, it’s related to her husband’s death.

Does that sound complicated?  It really isn’t.  This is pretty much a typical Lifetime film and you’ll be able to guess who the bad guy is pretty easily.  Probably the most interesting thing about the mystery subplot is that it gives us a chance to view Lifetime’s version of what it’s like to work for Google.  You thought that the companies portrayed in Silicon Valley were cut throat?  Just check out Who Killed My Husband!

I did, however, like the film’s other subplot.  After her father’s death, Chloe resents her mother and Sophie struggles to connect with her stepdaughter.  Chloe is taken seriously ill during the investigation and Sophie has to balance solving the mystery with taking care of her daughter.  That was sweet.  I have asthma and I was a rebellious teenager so I related to Chloe.

Otherwise, this was pretty much a typical and kind of forgettable little Lifetime film.  If you enjoy Lifetime films, this is a pleasant little time waster.  If you’re not into Lifetime movies, Who Killed My Husband probably won’t change your mind.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #4: The Watcher (dir by Ryan Rothmaier)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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Check out the couple in the picture above.

Wow, they sure do look happy, don’t they?  That’s Emma (Erin Cahill) and Noah (Ed Gathegi) and they have every reason to happy!  They’ve just bought a new home!  It’s a nice big, house and it’s in what appears to be a perfect neighborhood.  Sure, the neighbors are a little quiet and some of them occasionally appear to be giving the new couple a strange look but that’s probably nothing, right?  And sure, the house was a little bit cheaper than expected because, a few years ago, there was a death.  People have died in the house.

But you know what?  People die every day.  And a lot of them do so in a house.  If you refused to live in a house just because someone died in it, you’d probably never be able to live anywhere…

Of course, this house was apparently the scene of a murder but again, these things happen.

The screenshot above is from a movie called The Watcher, which I recorded off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 9th.  Since The Watcher premiered in the Halloween month, you can probably guess what happens once Emma and Noah move into their new house.  There are strange deliveries.  There are strange noises.  Strange notes, some delivered via a dead animal, start to show up.  The notes inform the couple that they are being watched.

Who is watching them?

The Raven.

Who is the Raven?  And does it have anything to do with a huge black raven that the local neighborhood boy, Mickey (Riley Baron), claims to have seen near the house?  You’ll have to watch the movie to find out…

(Interestingly enough, this was all loosely based on a true story.)

Usually, I’m a bit skeptical of Lifetime horror films.  You can read my review of Amish Witches to find out why but, to put it simply, the Lifetime format doesn’t always lend itself to horror.  But The Watcher actually works surprisingly well.  As directed by Ryan Rothmaier, The Watcher is an atmospheric and well-acted portrait of housebound horror.  The film ends with a twist that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and yet it works because it is just so odd and totally out there.  The implausibility of the twist actually adds to The Watcher‘s dream-like atmosphere.

I recommend watching The Watcher.

 

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #3: Amish Witches (dir by Jake Wade Wall)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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I recorded Amish Witches on October 29th, off of Lifetime.  I recorded it even though I was watching it at the time.  That’s my usual practice when it comes to Lifetime and SyFy films but what’s interesting is that I actually rewatched Amish Witches immediately after it ended.  That’s right — I watched this movie twice in one night and yet I still could not bring myself to actually review the damn thing.  In fact, the only reason that I’m reviewing it now is because I desperately need to get rid of it so that I can make room on my DVR.  As far as Amish Witches goes, there’s just so little to say about it.

I attempted to live tweet this film twice.  During my first attempt, the best tweet that I could come up with was:

That should tell you about how uninspiring Amish Witches was.

I then did a special live feed for my friends on the west coast and, even with the advantage of having already seen the film, I still couldn’t come up with anything better than:

Seriously, it was a tragic state of affairs!

Anyway, I have now sat through Amish Witches three times and it’s still a struggle for me to really understand what the point of the film was.  Supposedly, it’s based on a true story.  In order to convince us of how truthful it all is, the film does the whole found footage thing.  A film crew is shooting a documentary about an Amish sect with the local Brauchau dies.  Brauchau is apparently the Amish term for witch.  What’s interesting is that my closed captioning insisted that the Amish weren’t saying Brauchau and, instead, they were saying Bruja.  Bruja, of course, is the Spanish word for witch and I have to admit that I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why the Amish would be speaking Spanish.

(In the end, I believe it was an issue with whoever transcribed the film’s dialogue and not with the film itself.)

Anyway, because the Brauchau was being shunned, she is not buried on consecrated ground and she is also buried in black.  (Apparently, Amish in good standing are buried in white.)  Not even the Bishop comes to the funeral!  Soon, strange things start to happen around the Amish village.  It’s supposed to be scary but, for the most part, it’s just loud noises and occasionally mysterious finger prints showing up on a window pane.  Could it be that the spirit of the Bauchau is upset over her unconsecrated burial!?

Well, wouldn’t you be?

Anyway (and yes, I realize that I’m using that term a lot but this is one of those films that just makes you yell, “Anyway!”), Amish Witches is a slow-moving film that doesn’t really add up to much.  Lifetime premiered several horror-themed films for Halloween but, as Amish Witches demonstrates, Lifetime may not be the right channel for a true horror film.  Amish Witches features a lot of people screaming and, since it’s found footage, it does the whole shaky cam thing but it never adds up to much.  Since you know you’re watching a Lifetime film, you also know that nothing truly terrifying is going to happen.  There’s no risk of anyone getting eaten by a zombie in between commercials for Dance Moms and AARP.  There’s a shot of a hanging body at one point but that’s pretty much it.

As I mentioned, Amish Witches is a found footage film and, in many ways, its epitomizes everything that I tend to despise about that genre.  It does all the usual tricks — out-of-focus shots, shakey hand-held stuff, and plenty of “Are you getting this!?” dialogue but it still never feels in any way authentic.

Speaking of authentic, you have to feel bad for the Amish.  Because people assume that they’ve rejected the outside world, they’re an easy target for bad movies.  After all, filmmakers tend to assume, they’re never going to see the movie so they’re not going to complain, right?  If you want to see a real documentary about the Amish, I suggest tracking down a 2002 film called Devil’s Playground.  It’ll change everything that you assume when you hear the word “Amish.”

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #2: Mommy’s Secret (dir by Terry Miles)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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The next film that I watched off of my DVR was yet another Canadian-produced Lifetime film.  This one was called Mommy’s Secret and I recorded it off of Lifetime on October 8th.  I was on vacation when Mommy’s Secret originally aired, which is why I’m only now getting around to reviewing it.

Mommy’s Secret opens with a bank robbery.  The robber appears to a skinny man who wears a baseball cap and has a goat-tee.  He’s not a violent robber.  He doesn’t threaten people or fire guns into the ceiling or anything like that.  Instead, he simply slips the teller a note, collects his money, and then flees on his bicycle.  We watch as the robber skillfully avoids the police, riding his bike to a parked SUV….

Hmmmm….a bank robber driving a SUV.  That’s … interesting.

After stashing his bike and the money in the back of the SUV, the robber steps out of the way and the camera zooms in on a bumper sticker.  “PTA” it reads.

Hmmm…does that stand for Pernicious Thieves Association?  Or, actually, could our robber be a member of the Parent-Teacher Association?

The robber gets in the SUV.  He removes his baseball cap and … wow, he’s get really nice hair.  He then proceeds to remove his goatee and …. OH MY GOD, IT’S CHARISMA CARPENTER!

That’s right!  Charisma Carpenter plays a bank robber in Mommy’s Secret.  However, it turns out that the character she plays, suburban mom Anne Harding, has a good reason for robbing all those banks.  Her husband has recently died and the insurance money has dried up.  Her teenage daughter, Denise (Sarah Grey), is a soccer phenom who might be able to get a college scholarship but it still costs money to keep her playing.  And then there’s her son, Kyle.  Kyle is addicted to gambling but, unfortunately, he’s not every good at it.  He owes the local crime lord a lot of money.

So, in order to keep her son alive and her daughter playing soccer, Anne agrees to rob a few banks.

And she’s surprisingly good at it!  Seriously, I don’t think I could handle robbing a bank.  I would get too nervous and I wouldn’t have the patience necessary to wait for them to open up that big vault in the back.  Add to that, I always like going to the bank.  Part of me would love to work at a bank, just so I could see how much money everyone has.  So, no bank robbing for me.

As for Mommy’s Secret, it has a few slow spots but, for the most part, it was enjoyably ludicrous.  Sarah Grey, who was also in A Mother’s Instinct and The Wrong Girl, does well as the responsible and concerned Denise.  I think, for most people, the main appeal of the film will be seeing Charisma Carpenter robbing a bank and Carpenter actually gives a really good performance.  Between this film and Bound, Carpenter is cornering the market when it comes to playing mothers with a secret.