Barbarian Queen (1985, directed by Hector Olivera)

Posted on October 7, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

The forces of the evil Lord Arrakur (Arman Chapman) raid a peaceful Barbarian village, disrupting the wedding of Queen Amethea (Lana Clarkson) and Prince Argan (Frank Zagarino). Along with slaughtering almost the entire village, Arrakur also kidnaps Amethea’s sister, Taramis (Dawn Dunlap). Amethea survives the attack and, with her handmaiden Estrild (future director Katt Shea) and the warrior Tiniara (Susana Traverson), sets out for Arrakur’s realm to rescue her sister and to take vengeance on him.

In Barbarian Queen, there’s much violence, much nudity, and much time spent in a dungeon with a pool of acid. This may sound like pretty standard fantasy stuff and it is, except for the fact that almost all of the warriors are women and Arrakur and his forces are even nastier than the typical sword-and-sorcery villain. Arrakur uses rape to terrorize his enemies and his subjects and, while that may be historically correct, it’s not easy to watch. By the time Arrakur and Amethea are facing off in the gladiatorial arena, most viewers will be ready to see Arrakur defeated in the most extreme way possible.

Barbarian Queen was released by Roger Corman’s Concorde Picture and it was filmed in Argentina. Today, it is best-remembered for the presence of the tragic Lana Clarkson in the role of Amethea. Lana Clarkson starred in several Corman-produced fantasy films before she was murdered by Phil Spector in 2003. At the time of her death, the media often dismissively described Clarkson as being a “former B movie starlet” but anyone who caught Clarkson’s movies on late night Cinemax knows that she was always the best thing about the films she was in and that she had a likable and sincere screen presence that made you root for her, whether she was fighting off an army with a sword and hiding in a tree with a bow-and-arrow. Lana Clarkson’s performance in Barbarian Queen is always strong and sympathetic. She endures even the movie’s most exploitive scenes without sacrificing her dignity and when she fights back, she refuses to surrender. Her determination to have her vengeance and to free the people from a tyrant is the thing that makes Barbarian Queen worth watching.

RIP, Lana Clarkson. She was so much more than just “a B movie starlet.”

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Blind Date (dir by Nico Mastokaris)

Posted on October 14, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1984’s Blind Date, Joseph Bottoms stars as Jonathon Ratcliff, an American who works in Greece.

Jonathon would appear to have it all. He has a good job in an exotic land. He has a nice home. He has a beautiful girlfriend named Claire (Kirstie Alley). He has co-workers who love him so much that they insist on throwing him a birthday party and giving him his cake while he’s making love to Claire. Jonathon enjoys jogging and listening to music and spying on his neighbor, which the film treats as a harmless little thing that all men do. I mean, I guess we should be happy that Jonathon isn’t disguising himself as a taxi driver and murdering the women that he picks up with a scalpel. No, someone else is doing that.

Jonathon suddenly loses his eyesight. Fortunately, Dr. Steiger (James Daughton) has a solution. He’s created a computer program that turns sound into very primitive, grid-like images. As long as Jonathon is wearing his headphones, he can see … kind of. At first, it’s all good fun. Jonathon beats up the extremely flamboyant muggers who have been harassing him at the subway station. And he continues to spy on his neighbor whenever she’s getting undressed which is not cool considering that Claire has stayed with him through his entire ordeal.

Meanwhile, the scalpel murders are continuing….

Now, to be honest, I assumed that Jonathon was going to form some sort of mental connection with the killer and start seeing the murder through the killer’s eyes. Instead, Jonathon just hears the killer walking with one of his victims and he ends up investigating on his own, despite not really being able to see well. Basically, the whole idea of Jonathon being blind doesn’t have much to do with the thriller aspect of the plot. I could maybe accept that if the film hadn’t spent a huge amount of time explaining in pain-staking detail how exactly Jonathon’s “eyes” work. The action literally stopped for a huge chunk of the film’s running time so that the film could make its most ludicrous plot point seem even more ludicrous.

Greek director Nico Mastokaris is obviously trying to do an Argento-style giallo with Blind Date and, indeed, Argento himself has a noted habit of including intriguing but ultimately pointless red herrings in his films. Just as Asia Argento having the Stendhal Syndrome proved to be a bit inconsequential to The Stendhal Syndrome, Joseph Bottoms being blind is inconsequential to Blind Date. That said, Argento can get away with that sort of thing because, even in his weaker films, he’s clever stylist and he usually maintain a solid narrative pace. Blind Date, on the other hand, is rather draggy and Joseph Bottoms is not a particularly likeable hero.

On the positive side, James Daughton (he was the head of the evil frat in Animal House) gives a genuinely interesting performance and Kirstie Alley is likable as the neurotic Claire. For the most part, though, one can see why the sequel promised in the closing credits never came to be.

Back to School #27: Fast Times At Ridgemont High (dir by Amy Heckerling)

Posted on August 30, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Mike Damone

Mike Damone, you little prick.

I’ve watched the 1982 high school dramedy Fast Times At Ridgemont High a handful of times. I’ve reached the point where, every time I watch it, I know exactly what’s going to happen. I know when stoner Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn) is going to order pizza. I know that Charles Jefferson (Forest Whitaker) is going to go crazy during the big game against Lincoln High. I know that when Stacy (Jennifer Jason Leigh) kisses the sweet but shy Mark Ratner (Brian Backer), he’s going to end up panicking and scrambling for an excuse to go home. I know that Brad (Judge Reinhold) is going to get caught masturbating. I even know when Anthony Edwards, Nicolas Cage, and Eric Stoltz are all going to appear in early performances.

Nicolas Cage, 30 years before he would agree to star in a remake of Left Behind.

In other words, I know exactly what’s going to happen.

But, Mike Damone (played, very well, by Robert Romanus, who is only an actor and shouldn’t be held responsible for the actions of a fictional character) — every time, I find myself hoping you’ll do the right thing and every time, you let me down.

Oh sure. I know that you tried to raise the money to help pay for Stacy’s abortion. I saw the scene of you on the phone in your bedroom, begging people to finally pay for the tickets that you’d sold them. I know that you tried but when you couldn’t get the money, where were you? When Stacy had to ask her older brother, Brad, for a ride to the clinic, where were you? After Stacy left the clinic, she found Brad waiting for her. Brad agreed not to ask Stacy who had gotten her pregnant. He agreed not to tell their parents. Brad was there for his sister. Where were you, Mike Damone?

What really upsets me is that, up until you abandoned Stacy, you were one of the more likable characters in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. I mean, sure — you didn’t get to deliver any classic lines like Spicoli did. And you weren’t adorably shy like Mark. But, Mike Damone — I believed in you! We all believed in you! (Imagine me doing my best Tyra Banks imitation here.) You were a cocky guy who spent all of your time selling concert tickets at the mall but you know what? We all assumed that, underneath all of the attitude, there secretly lurked a good guy. I mean, we could tell that you sincerely cared about your friend Mark and, because we’re all fools apparently, we even thought that maybe Stacy could bring out the real you. When Stacy sat there writing “Mrs. Stacy Damone” on her test paper in history class, we understood. Because, after all, we’ve all had a Mike Damone in our life.

Rat and Mike

But then, what happened? Well, first, you had sex with Stacy despite the fact that you knew Mark liked her. Of course, for all your bluster and talk, it turned out that sex with Mike Damone amounted to 2 minutes of squirming followed by that classic line, “I think I came.” And then you left, saying those words that every girl dreams of hearing from someone she’s just been with: “I’ll see you around.” (Or maybe you said, “I’ll give you a call,” or “I’ve got to go now.” Either way, it was a pretty shitty thing to say, Damone.)

As you may have guessed, Fast Times At Ridgemont High is not your typical teen comedy. In fact, over three decades since it was first released, it remains one of the best and most perceptive films about teenagers ever made. Over on the A.V. Club, Keith Phipps refers to Fast Times as being “a Trojan horse of a teen comedy that balanced lowbrow gags with subtle humor, genuine insight .. and pathos,” and that’s such a perfect description that I’m not at all ashamed to repeat it word-for-word here.

Don’t get me wrong. Though Fast Times At Ridgemont High has a lot more drama than you would expect from a film with the words “Fast Times” in the title, it’s also an undeniably funny film. It’s just that, unlike so many other teen comedies, the comedy comes from a very real place. This is one of those rare films where the characters are funnier than the situations that they find themselves in. You laugh because you relate to the characters. (Admitedly, you might also laugh at what some of them are wearing. Mike Damone’s keyboard print scarf comes to mind…)

Spicoli and Hand

Like many classic teen films — American Graffiti, Fame and Dazed and Confused, to cite just three obvious examples — Fast Times At Ridgemont High is an ensemble piece that follows several different students as they survive a year at Ridgemont High. Sean Penn’s Jeff Spicoli is the character that everyone always mentions as a favorite and indeed, he does get the best lines and his battles with Mr. Hand (Ray Waltson) are definitely a highlight of the film. People also always mention Linda (Pheobe Cates), who has a boyfriend in college and who walks in on Brad while he’s fantasizing about her. And yes, Linda is a memorable character and not just because she bares her breasts during Brad’s fantasy. She’s also Stacy’s best friend and I think we’ve all had a friend like Linda, someone who we looked up to and assumed had all the answers. For that matter, Brad is also an interesting character and there’s something undeniably fascinating about watching as he goes from being a carefree, popular teen to being a guy working behind the counter at 7-11.

(If only Brad had not gotten Arnold that job at All-American Burger…)

Agck!

However, for me, the film will always be about Stacy, if just because she’s the character to which I relate. I know when I was 15, I felt a lot like Stacy and, every time I watch Fast Times, I feel like some of Stacy’s experiences could have been taken straight out of my diary. I had the same combination of confidence and insecurity and the same questions about why boys could talk like men but never act like them. Stacy, of course, is played by Jennifer Jason Leigh who gives a remarkably brave and vulnerable performance in this film. Off the top of my head, I can’t tell you who won the Oscar for best supporting actress of 1982 but it doesn’t matter. Jennifer Jason Leigh should have won it.

Jennifer Jason Leigh in Fast Times At Ridgemont High

Fast Times is often referred to as being a Cameron Crowe film, largely because Crowe famously went undercover at an actual high school while writing the book that served as the basis for his script. And yes, Fast Times is filled with scenes and characters that feel undeniably Cameron Crowe-like. However, Fast Times was directed by Amy Heckerling and thank God for that. Heckerling brings a sensitive touch to material that a male director would be tempted to play solely for exploitation. Cameron Crowe may have written the script but it’s definitely an Amy Heckerling film.

And, sorry, Mike Damone — you’re still a little prick.