Vicki and the Gambler”

Posted on September 25, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Vicki learns how to gamble.

Episode 4.24 “That Old Gang of Mine/Love with a Skinny Stranger/Vicki and the Gambler”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on April 11th, 1981)

It’s an anniversary cruise!

Captain Stubing and Vicki are celebrating the anniversary of Vicki coming to live on the boat with her father. Captain Stubing has already picked out the gift that he’s going to give Vicki, a beautiful and valuable pearl necklace. As for Vicki, there’s a watch in the boat’s gift shop that she would love to give her father but she can’t afford it. Then again, Vicki is the Captain’s daughter. Can’t she just take whatever she wants? I mean, who is going to snitch on the Captain’s daughter? Add to that, it was only two weeks ago that the manager of the gift shop was juggling three lovers on one cuise. Who is she to judge anything Vicki might do?

Admirably, Vicki is an honest person and does not want to just steal something for her father. But when her father’s old friend, Wade Hubbard (Gene Barry), boards the ship, he shows Vicki that she can easily make enough money to buy the watch by betting on a horse race! Wade, it turns out, is a compulsive gambler and Vicki soon falls under his influence. Captain Stubing is not happy about that so Wade pretends to lose all of his money (and Vicki’s necklace!) in order to trick Vicki into not only hating him but also hating gambling.

You know, Wade and Captain Stubing could have just told Vicki not to gamble anymore. Vicki seems like she’s pretty smart and level-headed so I’m sure she would have listened if Wade and the Captain had just told her that they didn’t want her placing bets as a minor. Instead, Wade created an elaborate lie and basically traumatized Vicki for life. That seems a bit extreme to me but, then again, I don’t have a gambling problem.

As for the other passengers, Patty Beller (Vicki Lawrence) is stunned when she discovers that her long-distance boyfriend, Phil Manning (Charles Siebert), has spent the last month at a fat farm and is now totally athletic and handsome. Patty always took it for granted that Phil would only have eyes for her but suddenly, every other woman on the cruise appears to be trying to get his attention. This story would have perhaps worked better if Patty hadn’t come across as being so self-centered. Phil explains that he lost the weight because he was worried about his health and tired of people making fun of him. To me, it seems like Phil should be applauded for his self-discipline and his desire to make a better life for himself. Instead, Patty gets upset that Phil is taking care of himself. Seriously, Phil — you can do better!

Finally, three old-time crooks (Jack Gilford, Jesse White, and Kaye Ballard) board the cruise and make plans to rob the safe. That shouldn’t be too hard since Gopher is the person in charge of watching the safe. However, the crooks are all elderly and out-of-touch with life in the swinging 80s. The safecracker has gone deaf and needs someone else to listen as he turns the dial. It’s all a bit silly but it was kind of a sweet story, largely due to the performances of Gilford, White, and Ballard.

The safecracker’s story aside, this episode of The Love Boat was a bit of a sour ride. Between Wade lying to Vicki and Patty wishing that her boyfriend was at risk for heart disease, this just wasn’t a very likable cruise. Hopefully, next week will be a bit more fashionable. Considering that the upcoming episode guest stars Glorida Vanderbilt, Bob Mackie, and Halston, I imagine it will be.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.4 “Rerun”

Posted on April 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, we learn about the dark side of celebrity.

Episode 2.4 “Rerun”

(Dir by John Auerbach, originally aired October 22nd, 1989)

Allison (Rachel Jones) and Max (Mitchell Whitfield) are anthropology students and roommates. Max would like to be even more but Allison is hopelessly in love with a man who she has not only never met but who is dead!

Tony Sterling (Max Nassar) was an actor who starred on a show where he drove a motorcycle across America. Tony recently died but Allison keeps a big poster of him hanging in her bedroom. Allison says she isn’t worried about studying for her upcoming exam because she’s been praying to the poster. Uhmm …. okay …. I mean, I had a huge crush on James Franco back in the day but I never prayed to him….

Suddenly, Tony appears in the bedroom and declares his love for Allison. Allison is so overjoyed that she doesn’t care that he’s dead and that he keeps biting her neck. Max, however, is a bit more concerned so he goes to see Tony’s agent (Kaye Ballard), who explains that Tony was a Satanist who couldn’t even ride a motorcycle! In fact, Tony couldn’t even talk to people. He had to have his small talk written out for him by a crack team of publicists.

Max returns to the apartment to confront Tony with proof that he’s both a talentless hack and a lamprey-in-human-form. (Earlier, Max talked about a tribe that believed that everyone’s soul was an animal. Apparently, Tony has the soul of a lamprey.) Realizing the truth about Tony, Allison rejects him. Tony attacks Max. Can Allison flush a ring that Tony gave her down a toilet quickly enough to send Tony’s soul back to Hell?

Fear not — she can! This is one of the few episodes of Monsters to have a straight-up happy ending and I’m glad that I did. Allison and Max were a cute couple and it would have been unbearably cruel to not allow them to be together or to have one of them turn out to be a demon. You want them to get together and if it takes dealing with an incubus for them to come together, so be it.

Actually, this episode is probably more relevant today than it was when it was first release. There’s not much difference between Allison praying to her poster of Tony and the people who spend all day searching social media for any heretics who fail to worship at the altar of their favorite performers. If this episode were made today, Allison would be praying to Timothee Chalamet and Taylor Swift. That’s not to say that Timothee and Taylor are lampreys, of course. It’s just that people have always worshipped those who have accomplished some sort of celebrity. Anyone who is anyway famous has at least a few people who have devoted their lives to them. It’s creepy but it’s the way of the world.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.16 “Making the Grade/The Gift/Doc’s ‘Ex’ Change”

Posted on November 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Doc Bricker gets his moment in the spotlight.

Episode 3.16 “Making The Grade/The Gift/Doc’s “Ex” Change

(Dir by Gordon Farr, originally aired on December 15th, 1979)

Since the very first episode of The Love Boat, viewers have continually been told that Doctor Adam Bricker is a notorious swinger, a lothario was has been married numerous times and to whom almost every woman is immediately attracted. There’s really not much about Bernie Kopell’s likable but rather mild-mannered performance as Doc that would lead anyone to think that any of that would be true but the show insists that Dr. Bricker is a legend of the high seas.

On this week’s episode, Doc’s most recent wife, Samantha (Juliet Prowse), boards the ship. She and Doc split up a few years ago and they have a friendly relationship. However, when Samantha informs Doc that her crooked lawyer never actually filed their divorce papers, Doc realizes that they are technically still married! Will they get a quickie divorce in Mexico (which is Doc’s first idea) or will the give marriage another try? (That’s Doc’s second idea.) In the end, they realize that they are just too different to make a marriage work. Samantha is smart and practical, while Doc is …. well, actually, Doc is the exact same way. Doc insists that he and Samantha don’t have much in common but actually, they have a lot in common. I think Doc is kind of fooling himself into thinking that he’s more of an impulsive wild man than he really is. Anyway, at the end of the cruise, they decide to get divorced but at least they still like each other. Doc never quit gets his heart broken like the rest of the cast does. I guess that’s why he’s a legend.

Meanwhile, Vicki finally gets someone her own age to hang out with when Danny Harris (Johnny Timko) boards with his mother, Madeline (Jessica Walter). Unfortunately, Danny is also kind of a spoiled brat and he’s really not happy when he discovers that his teacher, John Hurley (Dick Gautier), is also on board. And then Danny is even more upset when John starts to romance Madeline. And really, Danny has a point. No one wants to see their teacher (or their boss) while they are on vacation. And seriously, no one wants to deal with the idea of their teacher (or, again, their boss) suddenly becoming their stepfather. That said, Danny eventually makes peace with the idea of his mom dating his teacher and everyone leaves the boat happy.

The final storyline features one of those plots that drives me crazy, because it could have easily been resolved by everyone not acting like an idiot. Buddy Redmond (Red Buttons) boards the boat with his wife, Joan (Kaye Ballard). Buddy claims that it’s been years since he last gambled but actually, he’s lying. He has $2,000 in his suit pocket, money that he got from his bookie. Joan doesn’t know about it. When Joan hears that two other passengers, Benny Carter (frequent Love Boat guest star Sonny Bono) and Sally (Ronee Blakely), have lost their luggage, she donates Buddy’s jacket so that Benny will have something to wear at dinner. When the envelope containing the money falls out of the jacket, Benny and Sally think that all of their financial problems have been solved. Meanwhile, Buddy desperately wants to get back both the jacket and the money but he doesn’t want his wife to find out why. Meanwhile, Benny and Sally need the money but they don’t want to steal it if it actually did fall out the jacket so they try to convince themselves that the envelope could have been left in their cabin by a previous passenger who is no longer on the boat. Seriously, it’s exhausting to try to keep up with these people. Fortunately, once Buddy discovers that Benny and Sally really need the money, he lets them keep it. Joan is so touched that she totally forgets about the fact that her husband is apparently still a degenerate gambler.

Even by Love Boat standards, this was a silly episode. At the same time, it was a pleasant diversion. Juliet Prowse and Bernie Kopell made a nice couple, even if you never quite bought the idea of Doc being a playboy. Red Buttons wisely underplayed his role and therefore, Buddy remained sympathetic even while demanding the return of his jacket. Even Sonny Bono and Ronee Blakely were likable as a nice couple who found themselves in over their heads. This cruise was silly but pleasant.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.1 “Hit Man/The Swimmer”

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we begin season 3 of Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.1 “Hit Man/The Swimmer”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 7th, 1979)

The third season of Fantasy Island gets off to a strange start when, after announcing that the plane is arriving with this week’s guests, Tattoo approaches Mr. Roarke while accompanied by a one-man band.

Not even bothering to disguise his contempt his assistant, Mr. Roarke demands to know what Tattoo is doing. Tattoo replies that he is campaigning for the position of Honorary Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island. He hands Mr. Roarke one of his fliers.

Again, Mr. Roarke does not appear to be particularly amused as he informs Tattoo that he has been Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island for several terms now and no one, up until this point, has ever dared to run against him. Tattoo suggests that it is time for a change.

Myself, I’m just wondering what the heck is going on.

I mean, we are three seasons into Fantasy Island. It has been established that Fantasy Island is an independent nation, one that is home not just to the resort but also to a fishing village, a private school, an old west town, several haunted houses, a red light district, and miles of potentially dangerous jungle. Whenever anyone from America has tried to boss around Mr. Roarke, Roarke has replied that Fantasy Island is a not governed by American law. Given the size and the variety of lifestyles on Fantasy Island, I’m not sure that “Lord Mayor” is really the right term to use for the island’s ruler.

Beyond that, it’s been pretty much established that Mr. Roarke is Fantasy Island’s dictator. He decides what happens on Fantasy Island. He makes the laws. It’s his island and everyone respects his authority. The important thing is that, over the past two seasons, it has never been previously mentioned that Mr. Roarke is an elected official. If Tattoo were to win the election, would the Island become his? Is Tattoo truly trying to overthrow Mr. Roarke? Given how much Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize disliked each other, it would not surprise me if Villechaize would have been happy to see that happen. But, if you’re going by the show’s admittedly twisty continuity, the whole thing just doesn’t make any sense.

As for this week’s two fantasies, the first one doesn’t always make that much sense either. It features David Doyle as Fred Forbush, an underwear manufacturer. He’s come to the island with his wife (Constance Towers) and kids (Ronnie Scribner and Katrina Axley). Fred has gotten in some business trouble. Though his family doesn’t know it, he is on the verge of losing it all. However, he has a life insurance policy that will pay his family over a million dollars if he’s murdered. Though his family thinks that they are just on vacation, Fred’s fantasy is for Mr. Roarke to arrange for a hitman to kill him.

The fact that Mr. Roarke not only agrees to this but apparently also allows a hitman named Johnny Detroit (Eddie Mekka) to operate an assassination school on his island suggests that maybe Tattoo has a point about the Island needing a new Lord Mayor.

Johnny’s first attempt to murder Fred fails when Johnny slips on a leaf and ends up firing his sniper rifle into the sky. Humiliated by that failure, Johnny now feels that killing Fred is a matter of honor. However, Fred receives word that a clothing store wants to go into business with him! Fred no longer wants to die! Well, good luck with that….

Fear not! This is actually the episode’s comedic storyline so Fred doesn’t die. Instead, he ends up trying to hide from Johnny by putting on a wig and a sarong. When that doesn’t work, he tells his family the truth. (Needless to say, his wife is pretty angry at Lord Mayor Mr. Roarke.) Fortunately, Johnny’s mother (Kaye Ballard) shows up on the island and puts an end to the whole thing. It turns out that Johnny really isn’t a hitman. Instead, he’s just a guy named Wilbur whose fantasy was to be a ruthless killer …. which is not disturbing at all!

While all that nonsense is going on, Jack Summers (Peter Graves) and his daughter, Terry (Eve Plumb, continuing the tradition of former Brady kids showing up on both this show and The Love Boat) arrive on the island to see Dr. Frantz (Gail Fisher). Terry was an Olympic-level swimmer until a car accident left her in a wheelchair. Jack’s fantasy is that Dr. Frantz will be able to cure Terry’s condition and she’ll be able to walk and swim once again. Unfortunately, Dr. Frantz explains that there is no hope.

However, Mr. Roarke has also arranged for Terry to teach a water ballet class. The class is made up of disabled children and, as you have probably already guessed, working with them causes Terry to realize that she doesn’t have to go to the Olympics to do great things. As far as fantasies go, it was predictable but sweet. Even Peter Graves gets emotional watching Terry’s students in the water.

But what about the election? Tattoo names Chester the Chimpanzee as his campaign manager and loses the election when Chester eats the only vote that Tattoo received. By a landslide, Mr. Roarke is reelected. Presumably, his first post-election move will be to have Tattoo imprisoned for bringing Johnny Detroit to the Island, despite the fact that it was actually all Mr. Roarke’s idea. When you’re a dictator, you can do whatever you want. Hopefully, Tattoo will be free by next week’s episode.

This episode was a nice way to kick off season 3. The election storyline reminded the viewers of just how weird Fantasy Island actually is, as both a location and a show. Eddie Mekka made me chuckle a few times in the role of the buffoonish Johnny Detroit. And I was glad that Terry found the peace and happiness that was always denied to Jan Brady.

Next week: Abe Vigoda visits the Island!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.25 “Pacific Princess Overtures / Gopher, the Rebel / Cabin Fever”

Posted on February 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Love Boat

Today, we wrap up season one of The Love Boat! All aboard!

Episode 1.25 “Pacific Princess Overtures / Gopher, the Rebel / Cabin Fever”

(Dir by Alan Baron, originally aired on May 20th, 1978)

As I sat down to watch this episode on Paramount Plus, I was once again confronted with that weird commercial featuring P!nk and Michael Phelps tossing a big red COVID germ at each other. I’ve seen this commercial a few times. It’s popular not only on Paramount Plus but also on Hulu and Peacock. For a commercial that’s all about the terrors of COVID, I have to say that representing the risk by using a big rubber ball feels a bit …. well, counterproductive. (Actually, perhaps silly would be a better way to describe it.) To be honest, P!nk and Michael Phelps look like they’re almost having too much fun tossing COVID at each other. Someday, someone will actually take a serious look at how and why the combined efforts of the media and the advertising industry struggled to convince people to take the vaccine and this commercial will hopefully be remembered. Considering that it’s the elderly who are at the greatest risk when it comes to COVID, it’s interesting that almost all of the vaccination commercials that I’ve seen have been stylistically aimed at older millennials. Michael Phelps saying that his depression puts him at a greater risk of COVID is not the sort of thing that’s going to convince an 80 year-old to get a booster.

Speaking of commercials, the first season finale of The Love Boat featured Antonio Fargas as an advertising exec named Lee Graham. When we first see him, he’s saying goodbye to his wife as he boards the ship. He tells her that he’ll miss her and that the only reason he’s going to be on the boat is because he’s working on ad campaign for the cruise company. Of course, he’s lying. He’s actually taking the cruise so that he can spend some time with his mistress, Andrea (Jonelle Allen). Lee and Andrea are excited to finally have a few days where they can be with each other without feeling like they have to hide for everyone. However, Lee soon discovers that his nosy neighbors (played by Kaye Bass and Elias Jacob) are also on the boat! As a result, Lee doesn’t get a chance to cheat on his wife and, at the end of the cruise, he and Andrea realize that they don’t want to continue their adulterous ways. Fortunately, it turns out that Lee’s wife already knew about the affair and is incredibly forgiving. I’m not really sure why she’s so forgiving but hey, it was the 70s! It’s not like The Love Boat is going to end with a divorce. That’s more of a 90s thing.

While this is going, ruthless business tycoon Mr. Yamashiro (Pat Morita — yes, you read that correctly) is determined to convince Ruth Newman (Diane Baker) to sell him her late husband’s factory. Yamashiro even orders his assistant, Ken Davis (Gary Collins), to trick Ruth by pretending to fall in love with her. However, Ken really does fall in love with her and he loses his job as a result. Fear not, though. Ruth hires him and agrees to invest in a special, voice-activated word processor that he’s created. Yamashiro is so impressed that he agrees to invest as well. Yamashiro says that they can consider his investment to be a wedding present. Ruth and Ken have only known each other for a few days but sure, why shouldn’t they get married? I mean, it’s the 70s! People get married about knowing each other for a weekend and then they forgive each other for cheating. Love is all around, no need to waste it. They’re all going to make it, after all.

However, none of those stories can compare to what happens to Gopher. After starting the cruise in a bad mood because he feels that Captain Stubing doesn’t respect him, Gopher falls for a young communist named Vanessa! And Vanessa is played by Eve Plumb. That’s right! This episode features the original Jan Brady filling Gopher’s head with a bunch of Marxist nonsense! Vanessa is traveling on the boat with her wealthy father (Don Porter) and she sure does resent all of the money that’s being spent on the cruise. When she tells Gopher that he should stop taking orders from the Captain because, as “members of the Personhood,” no one has any right to order anyone else around, Gopher takes her words to heart and he ended up getting fired for insubordination! Fortunately, it doesn’t take long for both Vanessa and Gopher to see the errors of their ways and the Captain hires Gopher back, with the understanding that Gopher will never again bring a certain impractical economic theory. It’s a bit like that episode where the Captain told Isaac that he was spending too much time learning about black history. The Captain’s not going to let his purser go down the Marxist rabbit hole!

And so, the first season comes to a close. This was a good episode with which to end the season. Though his storyline was undeniably icky, Antonio Fargas proved himself to be a talented physical comedian as he tried to keep his neighbors from noticing his girlfriend. The second story was a bit bland but Pat Morita transcended his stereotypical role. And seriously, how can you not enjoy Eve Plumb radicalizing Gopher?

When The Love Boat began, the crew was unsure of how to react around Captain Stubing. As the first season comes to a close, they’ve learned that Stubing will always have their back, as long as they don’t talk about Black History or Marxism. What will the crew discover about their captain during season 2? We’ll find out soon!