The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Hack-O-Lantern (dir by Jag Mundhra)


Note that actor Hy Pyke’s name is misspelled on the cover of this Blu-ray.

Sometimes, you just see a film that simply cannot be reviewed in any conventional use of the term and that’s definitely the case with the 1988 slasher/Satanist/rock musical Hack-O-Lantern.

On Friday, I watched Hack-O-Lantern on Shudder.  It was broadcast as a part of Joe Bob Brigg’s Last Drive-In Halloween special.  I watched the film in a bizarre sort of daze, trying to figure out just what the Hell was actually going on.  It’s a film that apparently has a plot but good luck figuring out what exactly that plot is.  I do know that that the film is supposed to be taking place on Halloween night but, in the world of Hack-O-Lantern, Halloween is apparently a time when people get together and dance in a gym or something.  Seriously, it’s a weird movie.

As far as I can tell, the film is about Tommy (Gregory Scott Cummings), who I guess is like the local trouble maker or something.  He spends all of his time listening to heavy metal music and having these elaborate fantasies in which the members of a band rip off his head.  Or, at least, I assume they were meant to be fantasies.  Tommy’s brother, meanwhile, is a local cop and his mother is crazy and overprotective …. I think.  As I said, the film’s plot was not always easy to follow and it actually took me a while to figure out that the earnest and innocent-looking cop was also Tommy’s brother.  To be honest, I’m not really sure that words alone can express just how incoherent the plot of Hack-O-Lantern is.  I could tell you that the film appears to have been edited with a chainsaw but even that would not begin to capture just how difficult it is to understand why one scene follows another in this film.

Anyway, Tommy’s Grandpa (Hy Pyke) might seem like he’s a fun-loving old man but actually, he’s in charge of the local Satanic cult.  He wants to bring Tommy into the cult but apparently, Tommy might be ambivalent or Tommy might just not know that the cult exists.  It’s really hard to figure out what exactly is going on inside of Tommy’s head, beyond the fact that it involves a heavy metal band beheading him.  Grandpa’s plot to turn Tommy into a Satanist somehow leads to several murders at the Halloween dance.  The murderer wears a devil’s mask and kills people in a variety of bloody ways.  If you like cheap but effective gore effects, you’ll get something out of this film.  The scene with shovel is especially nasty.

It’s a bit of a strange Halloween dance, to be honest.  For one thing, there’s a stripper who shows up for no particular reason and who appears to be like 70 years old.  There’s also a stand-up comedian who pops up out of literally nowhere and does this long routine that has nothing to do with Satanism, Halloween, or people getting killed with shovels.  Why is the comedian there?  Why does the film spend so much time on him?  Where does he disappear to after he tells his bizarrely long joke?  These are the type of questions that you’re forced to ponder while trying to figure out what the Hell’s going on in Hack-O-Lantern.

The thing is that, as easy as it is to criticize a film like Hack-O-Lantern, there really is no other film like it.  Sure, there are other slasher films.  There are other films about Satanists.  There are even other films that feature a random stand-up comedian and a lot of gratuitous nudity.  But there are few films that mix all of those elements together quite as incoherently as Hack-O-Lantern.  As such, Hack-O-Lantern is an oddly fascinating film.  You watch the film and you wonder, “How the Hell did this happen?”  And for that reason, it’s worth tracking down and watching.

Do I recommend Hack-O-Lantern?

Hell yeah, I do.

Back to School Part II #8: Hollywood High (dir by Patrick Wright)


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If I may, for a second, quote the theme song from Degrassi, the greatest television show ever:

Whatever it takes…

I know I can make it through!

That song was running through my head as I watched the 1977 “comedy,” Hollywood High.  At times, I didn’t know if I’d be able to make it through.  Hollywood High was not only bad but it was boring as well!  This is one of those films where every line of dialogue is followed by a minute or so of awkward silence as the cast struggles to remember who speaks next.  I’ve often written of the importance of ensemble chemistry.  Well, Hollywood High is a perfect example of what happens when a cast doesn’t have any chemistry at all.  They’re all playing friends and lovers but you get the feeling that none of them knew each other before film started and no one saw each other after it ended.

Whatever it takes…

I know I can make it through!

It’s a comedy but nothing funny ever happens.  As far as plot goes, it’s about four interchangeable girls who go to Hollywood High School and who spend most of their time on the beach, getting naked while some of the most generic west coast music imaginable plays in the background.  One of the girls (it’s never clear which) has a super cool boyfriend named Fenzie.  Fenzie wears a leather jacket and starts every sentence with, “Heeeeeeeey!” and he also says stuff like, “The Fenzie needs a beer!” No, his name is not Fonzie.  It’s FENZIE!

Whatever it takes…

I know I can make it through!

At one point, the four girls are driving down the highway in their red roadster.  (And you better believe that there’s a song on the soundtrack called “Red Roadster.”)

“We need gas!” one of them says.

“We need oil!” another one replies.

“We need a lube job!” one points out.

“We need Big Dick!” the driver announces.

Well, of course … oh wait.  It turns out that Big Dick is an auto mechanic.  He’s also a dwarf!  When he first shows up on screen, one of the girls says, “Oh, I see.  That’s funny.”

Whatever it takes…

I know I can make it through!

Anyway, Big Dick tries to cheat film star June East (Marla Winters).  The girls all love June East so one of them has sex with Big Dick so that June won’t have to pay her bill.  June is so impressed that she says, “Why don’t you come down and see me sometime?”  You know what that means!  It’s orgy time at June East’s mansion.  The girls are shocked to discover that June’s lover is the flamboyant teacher (played by an actor named Hy Pyke) who they previously assumed was gay!

Whatever it takes…

The girls then look straight at the camera.

“This,” one of them says.

“Is,” another one adds.

“The,” the third chimes in.

“End!”  the fourth one says with a smile.

…I know I can make it through!

And somehow, I did make it through!  Finally, this movie ended!  I breathed a huge sigh of relief and then I wrote this review.  And, in case I haven’t made it clear, Hollywood High is one of the worst movies ever made.  It didn’t even work as a time capsule because it left me hating the 70s with such a passion that I’m probably going to have to rewatch Saturday Night Fever, Dazed and Confused, Boogie Nights, and American Hustle to remind myself why I was ever fascinated by the decade in the first place!

I made it through Hollywood High.  And now, let us never speak of it again…

Cleaning Out The DVR, Again #6: Lemora (dir by Richard Blackburn)


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Continuing the process of cleaning out my DVR, I watched an odd little film from 1975 called Lemora.  I recorded Lemora on March 25th, when it aired as a part of TCM Underground.

Lemora opens with an odd scene that appears to be set in the 1920s.  A man dressed up like a stereotypical movie gangster (think Edward G. Robinson in Little Caesar) guns down another man with his tommy gun and then races off in his car.  After he crashes, he crawls into a dark forest where he is apparently captured by a mysterious, black-clad woman.

Suddenly, we cut to 13 year-old Lila Lee (Cheryl Smith), singing in church.  Lila is blonde, innocent, and has an almost heavenly singing voice.  Everyone listens to her with almost worshipful attention.  When the Reverend (played by the film’s director, Richard Blackburn) steps up to the pulpit, he announces that he knows what some people are saying about Lila and her father but that she is pure and innocent.

It turns out that the gangster is Lila’s father.  Lila hasn’t had much contact with her father.  Instead, she has been raised in the church by the Reverend.  However, Lila receives a letter from her father.  The letter claims that he’s dying and that he wants to see Lila and ask for forgiveness before he passes.  The letter also says that her father is in the town of Astaroth.

(You would think that, having been raised in the church, Lila would know that Astaroth is also the name of a legendary demon.)

Knowing that the Reverend would never allow her to go, Lila sneaks out of the house.  She stows away in the back of a couple’s car and listens as the couple gossips about her relationship with the Reverend, suggesting that the Reverend is just waiting for Lila to “turn legal.”  After she gets out of the car, she takes a bus the rest of the way to Astaroth.  Sitting on the dark bus, just her and the somewhat creepy driver, Lila listens as the driver tells her that the people of Astaroth have a certain look.

When she arrives at Astaroth, Lila finds herself being pursued by seemingly deformed vampires but she’s rescued by the mysterious Lemora (Lesley Gilb).  Or is she?  Lemora is the same woman who found Lila’s father in the forest and it soon becomes obvious that Lemora has plans for Lila as well…

Meanwhile, the Reverend discovers that Lila has run away and his reaction leads us to suspect that there may have been more than a little bit of truth to the conversation that Lila previously overheard in the car.  The Reverend sets out to track down and rescue Lila but, at this point, the viewer trusts him even less than they trust Lemora.

It’s a very strange movie and a difficult one to describe.  It’s a movie that creates its own unique and odd reality.  Lemora expects the viewer to conform to its style as opposed to conforming to the audience’s expectations.  Lemora‘s full name is Lemora: A Child’s Tale Of The Supernatural and it really does play out like a particularly nightmarish fairy tale.  Though the film was definitely low-budget, it’s full of strikingly surreal images.  The entire movie feels like a dream — everything from the almost campy, gangster-film opening to Lila’s strange journey on the dark bus to Lemora’s hypnotic stare to the sudden and shocking conclusion of the Reverend’s relationship with Lila.  The film has one of those endings that forces you to reconsider everything that you previously witnessed.

Much like Messiah of Evil, Lemora is one of those surrealistic and low-budget horror films that almost defies conventional criticism.  It’s a surreal dream of dark and disturbing things and one that everyone should see for themselves.  You may love it, as I did.  You may hate it.  But you will never forget it.