Breaks of Life”

Posted on May 7, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Charo’s back!

Episode 5.27 “April in Boston/Saving Grace/Breaks of Life”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on May 1st, 1982)

April Lopez (Charo) is back! This time, she has given up show business and is now working as a Spanish tutor for stuffy private school headmaster Bradford York (David Hedison). She is falling for Bradford but she knows that he would never accept her as an entertainer. Or would he? We’re about to find out because the entertainment that Julie booked, probably while in a cocaine-fueled haze, fails to show up. Would April be willing to perform?

April sings “Let’s get physical, physical,” in the ship’s lounge but when Bradford stops by to get a drink, April covers her face with a mask. “If I sang like that,” Bradford says, “I’d wear a mask too….”

And that really gets to the main problem with this story. Bradford York is jerk! Seriously, I know why some people find Charo to be annoying and I do think The Love Boat tended to overuse the character but she deserves a lot better than Bradford York! Eventually, of course, Bradford leans that April is the singer and he tells her that he loves her in Spanish. (He has to ask April how to say it first.) So, I guess it’s a happy ending but we all know that April’s going to be single again once the sixth season starts.

As for the other storylines, Gwen (Jayne Meadows) and George Finley (Gene Rayburn) are a divorced couple who end up in the ship’s infirmary together. We’ve never seen the infirmary before and I assume we’ll never see it again. The two of them fall in love all over again. It tuns out Gwen was just faking her injury so she could be with George. It seems like Doc Bricker should have noticed that.

Finally, Grace Bostwick (Jane Powell) is a widow who is prevented from jumping overboard by Gabriel (Hugh O’Brian). Gabriel says he’s angel, sent from Heaven to help Grace move on from her grief. It turns out that he’s not. He’s just someone who knew Grace was suicidal and figured he would have to come up with something dramatic to keep her from plunging into the ocean. Everyone on the boat acts as if this makes total sense. Grace is very forgiving. Never has one lie been responsible for so much love.

What a weird episode. A man pretended to be an angel, Charo performed while wearing a mask, and the ship has an infirmary! Weird as it was, the episode kept me entertained. I’ve always liked Charo’s mix of sincerity and flamboyance. That said, she deserves better than Bradford York. The angel storyline was problematic for all sorts of reasons but at least Jane Powell and Hugh O’Brian gave good performances. They almost sold it. Almost.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.11 “House of Dolls/Wuthering Heights”

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, it’s all about the power of imagination.

Episode 5.11 “House of Dolls/Wuthering Heights”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on January 9th, 1982)

After being absent last week, Tattoo returns for this episode. That means that Julie, once again, is too busy on the other side of the Island to assist Mr. Roarke this week. The excuse that the show’s writer come up with to explain Julie’s absence is that she accidentally opened up a box of Fantasy Island butterflies that were meant to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. Now, Julie has to catch all of the butterflies. Good luck, Julie!

As for the fantasies, they both deal with imagination.

Clarissa Bevis (Britt Ekland) is a librarian who is single because she’s never met a real-life man who can compare to Heathcliffe from Clarissa’s favorite novel, Wuthering Heights. Clarissa wants to enter the world of the novel so that she can meet Heathcliffe and hopefully put her obsession with him behind her. Mr. Roarke grants her fantasy but warns her that she must not change the plot of the book in any way. That strikes me as an odd rule because it’s not as if Clarissa is traveling into the past. She’s entering her imagination so why would it matter if she decided to do what so many other readers have done and imagine a different ending to her favorite novel?

Clarissa finds herself approaching Wuthering Heights. Heathcliffe (Hugh O’Brian) sees her and declares that his beloved Catherine has come back to life. Meanwhile, Edgar Linton (Richard Anderson) believes that this proves Heathcliffe has gone mad and starts to plot to have Heathcliffe declared insane so that Edgar can claim Wuthering Heights and all of its farmland as his own. To be honest, if we’re in Clarissa’s imagination, I can only assume that she’s only seen a movie version of Wuthering Heights because neither Heathcliffe nor Edgar behave like their characters in the book (In particular, Edgar is portrayed as being a cartoonishly evil villain.) And, it should be noted, no mention is made of Cathy, Linton, Hindley, Isabella, Harleton, or any of the book’s other characters. How is Clarissa supposed to stay true to the plot of a book that she’s never read?

As for the other fantasy, Francis Elkins (Bob Denver) is a maker and dresser of mannequins, He’s fallen in love with one of his mannequins — “Hey, that’s not creepy at all,” I say while dramatically rolling my eyes — and his fantasy is for her to come to life. Roarke gives Francis a magical medallion thing that Francis uses to bring Courtney (Barbi Benton) to life, with the understanding that Courtney will only be human for two days. Eager to live as much life as possible, Courtney uses the medallion to bring to life three other mannequins to serve as the members of her squad. She also flirts with two salesmen (Larry Storch and Joey Forman) by telling them that’s she’s from Bloomingdale’s (“Oh yeah,” Storch says, “that town in Indiana,”) and that she’s only six years old. Fortunately, Francis’s love for Courtney is so strong that Courtney remains human even after the two days are up.

At the start of this fantasy, Roarke promises Tattoo that it will be the most delightful fantasy ever. Barbi Benton did a good job in the role of Courtney and she certainly showed more comedic timing here than she did during previous visits to the Island. But I don’t know …. the whole falling in love with a mannequin thing was a little too creepy to be delightful.

That said, this was an entertaining episode, even if neither fantasy really worked. Barbi Benton got to show off her comedic timing and the Wuthering Heights fantasy was enjoyably melodramatic, even if it got the book wrong and even though all-American Hugh O’Brian was not exactly the most convincing Heathcliffe. This was a nice enough trip to the Island.

I wonder if Julie ever found those butterflies.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.8 “Crescendo/Three Feathers”

Posted on January 9, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, we get one good fantasy and one bad fantasy and a reminder that anything can happen on Fantasy Island!

Episode 4.8 “Crescendo/Three Feathers”

(Dir by Michael Preece, originally aired on December 20th, 1980)

This episode confirms that Fantasy Island is the strangest place on Earth.

Our first fantasy features Toni Tennille as a world-famous singer named Susan Lohmann. Susan has been invited meet her favorite composer and songwriter, Edmund Dumont (Monte Markham). Dumont lives in seclusion on Fantasy Island, in an estate that is surrounded by wild animals and where he is tended by a blind butler (James Hong).

Susan is excited to meet Edmund, until she walks in on him playing his piano and discovers that he’s a …. BEAST! Though he has the body of a human, he has the face of a wolf. It turns out that Edmund lives in seclusion because he feels that the world would never accept his appearance. And Susan promptly proves him correct by screaming and demanding to leave. Susan flees the estate.

Susan’s manager is glad that Susan is free because now she can appear in concert in London. However, Mr. Roarke informs Susan that Edmund suffers from a curse and the only thing that could have cured him would have been the love of Susan. Edmund is now determined to die, surrounded by the animals on his estate, the only creatures who accepted him. Susan, realizing that she was a little bit hard on a guy who couldn’t help his appearance, returns to the estate, gives Edmund a kiss, and Edmund turns into a handsome guy. Yay!

So, there’s a huge problem here. Susan Lohmann is incredibly unlikable. Yes, Edmund may look different. But all Edmund did was invited her to his estate so that he could express his appreciation for the way the she sings his songs. Susan claims that Edmund should have told her, in advance, about the way he looked. Yes, Susan, God forbid someone unattractive appreciate your talent or have any talent of his own. Seriously, Susan was the worst.

Slightly more likable is Alan Colshaw (Hugh O’Brian), a pilot who has spent a year feeling like a coward. He was piloting a plane that crashed in the jungle. Alan went for help and, according to the three other passengers (played by Diane Baker, James Wainwright, and Peter Lawford), he never returned and, instead, he ran off with a stash of diamonds that was on the plane. Alan says that he is sure he didn’t intentionally desert them but he can’t remember for sure because he’s been suffering from memory loss.

Mr. Roarke gives Alan a medallion, one that will allow him and the others to see what happened when the plane crashed. As for Alan, he brings along three white feathers, which he plans to give to each of the survivors as a way to symbolize that he’s not the coward that they think he is. (Yes, it doesn’t make much sense to me, either.)

Lena (Diane Baker) is the first to forgive Alan. Alan realizes that he’s in love with Lena and he tells Mr. Roarke that he wants to change his fantasy. He just wants to spend the rest of his life with Lena. Roarke informs Alan that he can’t do that because …. ALAN IS DEAD! He died while trying to get help after the crash. Alan has come back to life for the weekend so that his spirit can find peace.

That’s a pretty neat twist and, to its credit, the show sticks with it. Alan eventually proves that he wasn’t a coward and that another one of the passengers stole the diamonds and then he vanishes into the afterlife.

“Boss,” Tattoo says, “you mean he was a …. g-g-ghost!?”

“Oh, Tattoo!” Roarke snaps, “Please do not tell me that you are prejudiced!”

Fantasy Island may be a strange place but some things — like Roarke passive aggressively attacking Tattoo — never change.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.17 “Playgirl/Smith’s Valhalla”

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Leslie Nielsen returns to Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.17 “Playgirl/Smith’s Valhalla”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on January 26th, 1980)

This week, Tattoo is super excited because one of the guests is Erica Clark (Barbie Benton), a famous centerfold for Rooster Magazine! Erica, however, no longer models. As she explains to Mr. Roarke, she grew tired of men treating her as just being a sex object. Indeed, her fantasy is to be able to treat men the same way! (Today, of course, Erica could save however much money she spent for the fantasy by simply watching clips of Magic Mike on YouTube.)

In perhaps the simplest fantasy that Mr. Roarke has ever put together, he sends Erica to the Island’s famed Jackrabbit Club, where men dance while women watch. Again, to be clear, all Mr. Roarke had to do was send her to the island’s version of Chippendales. I mean, Erica could have just done that on her own. Anyway, Erica witnesses one of the dancers, Walter Wilde (Fabian Forte), getting fired for refusing to go along with being sexually harassed by one of the women in the audience. Relating to Walter, his desire to go to medical school, and his life as a single father to Dinah (Heather McAdam), Erica agrees to come out of retirement and pose (in a bikini with a big rooster tail hooked on the back) for the club’s owner, Big Earl Sanderson (Denny Miller). However, when Big Earl demands that Erica do more than just pose, Walter is there to punch him out.

Anyway, it turns out that Dinah’s fantasy was for Walter to fall in love and Roarke combined her fantasy with Erica’s, presumably to save some money. So, Erica, Walter, and Dinah leave the island together and I guess Erica learns that …. well, I’m not sure anyone learned anything. This was a pretty weak fantasy that claimed to be about treating men as sex objects but spent the majority of time looking for excuses to put Barbi Benton in a bikini. Seriously, Jackrabbit was the tamest male strip club I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile, the Island finds itself in what should be an international incident after a group of dirty commies hijack a plane and make it land at an abandoned Fantasy Island airport. The communists say that they are doing this because they have to get people to pay attention to their cause but it’s hard not to notice that there’s next to no media coverage of the events, there are no soldiers or police surrounding the airport, and Mr. Roarke merely shrugs it off.

The only person who does care is Jason Smith (Hugh O’Brian), whose fantasy is to lead a combat mission. The fantasy becomes personal for Jason when he discovers that his wife (Emily Banks) is one of the hostages! Mr. Roarke arranges to Jason to work with three combat experts.

Buck Tanner (Sean Garrison) is an explosives expert who suffers from war flashbacks.

“Weasel” Forbes (Charlies Dierkop) is a wild sniper.

And French soldier of fortune Emile Bouvier is …. LESLIE NIELSEN!

Yes, this episode of Fantasy Island features Leslie Nielsen is one of the last of his “serious” roles, playing a French mercenary by wearing a red beret and not even attempting an accent. Bouver is tough and no-nonsense, as we learn when he catches Buck drinking on the job.

Anyway, Jason is able to rescue his wife and the other hostages and the communists are all arrested and hopefully sacrificed to the Fantasy Island mermaid. Bouvier sacrifices his life to save Jason’s but Mr. Roark explains that it was no big deal because Bouvier was dying anyways and his fantasy was to end his life doing something heroic. Once again, it appears that Mr. Roarke saved some money by combining fantasies. Was Fantasy Island feeling the effects of the Carter recession? Perhaps.

Other than Leslie Nielsen playing a serious role, probably the most interesting thing about this episode is that Mr. Roarke and Tattoo barely spoke to each other over the course of it. There was none of the usual comedic banter or anything like that. Indeed, even in the scenes greeting and saying goodbye to their guests, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize refused to every look at each other. Obviously, it wasn’t all happy days on Fantasy Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”

Posted on March 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week is all about deception.

Episode 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on January 20th, 1979)

Brian Kehoe (Hugh O’Brian) is from Texarkana. In his youth, he was a rodeo rider but now he’s a broken-down old man who works as a rodeo clown. He’s one of the best in the business and every rodeo rider on Fantasy Island swears that Brian has saved their lives multiple times. (There’s a surprisingly large amount of rodeo people on Fantasy Island.) However, Brian is deeply ashamed of just being a clown. In fact, he’s spent his life telling his 11 year-old son, Tommy (Johnny Timko), that he’s the greatest rodeo champion of all time.

Brian’s fantasy is to be just that. He’s spending the weekend with his son on Fantasy Island and he wants everyone to treat him like he’s a world famous rodeo star. However, when he realizes that Tommy wants to see him in action, Brian realizes that he’s going to do have to ride a bull himself. Unfortunately, Brian just can’t do it. He’s old and out-of-practice. So, he and his friends try to play a little trickery on Johnny. Brian explains that he always wears a bandana over the lower half of his face whenever he rides. When Tommy is cheering for his father, little does he realize he’s actually cheering for one of his father’s friends. But when one the real riders is put in danger, Brian has no choice but to reveal the truth. Of course, that was Mr. Roarke’s plan all along.

This was an okay fantasy. I appreciated the fact that everyone pronounced rodeo correctly. There weren’t any Yankees wandering around talking about the “roe-day-o.” Hugh O’Brian did a good job of portraying the sadness beneath Brian’s confident façade. And, when Tommy first learns that his father has been lying to him, he has a very honest reaction. He is pissed off! It takes Tommy a while to forgive his father. This was a well-acted little fantasy, even if you never had any real doubt that things would eventually work out.

As for the other fantasy …. bleh. Jayne Meadows Allen plays Nadine Winslow, a woman who suffers from hypochondria. Her fantasy is to learn what’s wrong with her. She’s examined by a Dr. Van Helsing (Hans Conried), who informs her that she only has a few weeks to live. After Nadine leaves the exam room, we learn that Dr. Van Helsing is actually a waiter and it’s always been his fantasy to tell someone that they only have a few weeks to live. Between this guy and that Nazi POW camp a few weeks ago, I’m starting to doubt Roarke’s instincts.

Nadine’s new fantasy is to find a new wife for her husband, Harvey (Peter Lawford, who appears to be slightly hung over in most of his scenes). She settles on Monica (Sherry Jackson), whom Harvey meets during a bizarre Fantasy Island dating game that is hosted by a leering Mr. Roarke. Monica and Harvey seem like a good couple but then Nadine spots her doctor working as a waiter and she realizes that she’s not dying. So, she and Harvey get back together and, for some reason, they thank Mr. Roarke as opposed to suing him for emotional distress. That whole fantasy was just dumb.

So, this was a pretty uneven episode. I liked the rodeo stuff. I disliked the death stuff. That’s the way it usually goes.

Bruce Lee vs. The Star Whackers: Game of Death (1978, directed by Robert Clouse)

Posted on September 5, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

Billy Lo (played by archival footage of Bruce Lee and two stand-ins) is the world’s biggest film star and the Syndicate (represented by Dean Jagger and Hugh O’Brian) want a piece of the action. When Billy refuses to allow the Syndicate to take control of his career, the Syndicate responds by threatening both Billy and his girlfriend (Colleen Camp). After a Syndicate hitman sneaks onto the set of Billy’s latest film and shoots him in the face, Billy allows the world to believe that he’s dead. Using a variety of disguises, Billy seeks revenge on the Syndicate and all of its assassins, including the 7 foot tall Hakim (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar).

Lee’s original plan for the Game of Death was that it would feature him as a retired martial artist who, in order to save the lives of his family, had to make his way up a five-level pagoda, defeating a different guardian on each floor. Each guardian would represent a different fighting style and the journey up the pagoda would allow Lee to discuss his beliefs regarding the principles of martial arts. Serving as both director and star, Lee did during the making of the film, of cerebral edema though some said Lee was either murdered or that he had faked his own death.

Released seven years after his death, the final version Game of Death has little in common with Lee’s original vision. Only about 11 minutes of footage from the original film was used in the revised version and most of Lee’s philosophical concerns were abandoned for a plot that, today, feels like it could have been lifted from Randy Quaid’s twitter timeline. (Also, when watching the film today, it’s also impossible to watch the Syndicate’s assassins disguise Billy Lo’s shooting as an on-set accident without being reminded of what would happen to Brandon Lee on the set of The Crow.) Game of Death opens with footage lifted from Lee’s battle with Chuck Norris at the end of Way of the Dragon and the other fight scenes are full of close-ups of Lee that were obviously lifted from other films. There’s even a scene in Billy’s dressing room where a cardboard cut-out of Lee’s face has obviously been taped onto a mirror. After Billy fakes his own death, footage of Bruce Lee’s actual funeral is shown, including a shot of Lee in his coffin.

If you can overlook the ethical issues of making a Bruce Lee film without the actual participation of Bruce Lee, Game of Death is actually a pretty entertaining movie. Director Robert Clouse had previously directed Enter the Dragon and obviously knew how to direct a fight scene while even stock footage of Bruce Lee has more charisma than the average action star. Best of all, Bruce Lee battles Kareem Adbul-Jabbar, in an epic scene that Lee himself directed for the original version of Game of Death. When the 7’2 Kareem Abdul Jabber plants his foot in the middle of Bruce Lee’s chest, Game of Death achieves pop cultural immortality.