Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe needs surgery!

Episode 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 27th, 1977)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Socrates Kotter. Uncle Socrates had a best friend named Euripides but they drifted apart when Socrates moved to Chicago and opened up his own dry cleaning place. One day, a guy who looked just like Euripides walked into the business.

“Euripedes!” Socrates shouted.

“Yeah,” the guy replied as he handed over his pants, “you menda these?”

Plato was not available for comment.

After the opening credits, we find ourselves back at the apartment. Gabe comes home from the dentist and tells Julie that he has three abscesses. (Good Lord, Gabe!) Gabe says that a root canal will cost thousands. Having the teeth pulled will cost hundreds. Or maybe he can just convince someone to knock out all of his teeth for free.

Julie says that she’s gotten a part-time job stuffing envelopes but that’s probably not going to pay for Gabe’s dental surgery. She suggests that he call one of the personal loan places that advertise on television. Gabe is reluctant because he hates their commercials but, at Julie’s insistence, he calls and asks for $12,000. The guy on the other end of the line asks Gabe what he does for a living.

“I’m a teacher,” Gabe replies.

“What’s he saying?” Julie asks.

“I’ll tell you after he stops laughing.”

Eventually, the guy asks Gabe about his assets. “I’m a fun guy,” Gabe says, “I’ve got a good sense of humor….” The loan guy tells Gabe that, if he takes out a loan with them, he’ll have to pay $110 a month for a year and that he would have to put up his first born son as collateral.

(Today, I should add, I spent $110 on Halloween candy.)

The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are confused as to why Gabe is slurring his speech when he calls roll. After Freddie asks if he’s okay, Gabe explains that he has to get dental surgery but he doesn’t have any way to pay for it. Freddie suggests that Gabe join the Marines. Epstein offers to go into business with him. Barbarino volunteers to be the prize at a raffle. Horshack offers to sell his body to science.

After class ends, Gabe sits at his desk and reads the classifieds. (“Wanted, hearse driver. Must not mind riding alone …. sort of.”) Woodman wanders into the classroom and reminds Gabe that he’s not allowed to “moonlight.” Gabe asks Woodman how he manages to make ends meet.

“My ends never meet, Kotter!” Woodman declares.

Gabe bemoans never being able to have fun on his salary.

“There’s more to life than fun, Kotter,” Woodman says, “There’s hard work, sacrifice, and REVENGE!”

After Woodman leaves, Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein return to the classroom and announce that they’ve pooled together their life savings to help out Mr. Kotter. They then hand him five dollars and 72 cents. “Stay mellow, fellow,” Freddie says.

Several nights later, at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he has to go to his second job as a “public relations expert at a restaurant.” Julie accuses Gabe of cheating on her. Uhmm, Julie — remember how you all talked about how Gabe would need to get a second job to pay for his root canal? It wasn’t that long ago….

Part of the reason why Julie is suspicious is because Gabe always takes a suitcase with him to work. What’s in the suitcase? Gabe’s work costume! Yes, I said costume. Gabe’s public relations job involves dressing up like a chicken and going to the grand opening of every new Mr. Chicken restaurant.

Guess who walks into the restaurant?

It’s Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein! Horshack, not recognizing Captain Chicken as his teacher, demands an autograph. However, the other Sweathogs quickly recognize him and, no longer as sympathetic as they were a few days ago, they proceed to make fun of Gabe and his costume. Unfortunately, because Gabe is on the clock, he still has to take their orders. They order the Gluten’s Gorge.

While Gabe relays the order to the kitchen, Woodman comes in and sees that the restaurant is having a contest where, if you guess the number of chicken bones in a container, you’ll win a free meal. Gabe has his back to him but he still clearly hears as Woodman announces, “460, Captain Chicken!” Gabe is forced to turn around and reveal that Woodman is “a few bones short.” Woodman tells Gabe to watch out for roosters and then laughs loudly as he leaves.

Gabe is then forced, by the restaurant manager, to do a dance with a cane and a top hat in order to celebrate the Sweathogs ordering a Gluten’s Gorge. The Sweathogs applaud and congratulate Gabe for being a “good sport.” Gabe explains that he took this demeaning job because he couldn’t get a day job because it would mean abandoning his Sweathogs. The restaurant manager then orders Gabe to get his “delinquents” students out of the place.

“Up your gizzard with a rubber lizard,” Freddie replies.

Rather than betray his students, Gabe quits his job. They all leave to get Chinese food. Yay! I love Chinese food.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his Aunt Sophie, who always used to sleep with her mouth open and….

Wait a minute …. did Gabe ever get his dental surgery? It seems like that whole part of the story kind of got pushed to the side. This was an incredibly silly episode and it didn’t quite work for me because, as annoying as Julie can be, her whole assumption that Gabe was having an affair never made sense. She knew why he had to get a night job. Still, at least Mr. Woodman got a few good lines and it’s always touching when the Sweathogs reveal that they really do care about their teacher and themselves.

Seriously, though — three abscesses!? Here’s hoping Gabe takes better care of himself in the future!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 2.16 “Kotter and Son”

Posted on October 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Gabe’s father comes to visit!

Episode 2.16 “Kotter and Son”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 20th, 1977)

January 20th, 1977. While many Americans was celebrating the inauguration of Jimmy Carter and others were laying the groundwork for the election of 1980, teenagers all across America were tuning into ABC so that they could see what Barbarino was going to do this week.

The first image they saw on that Inauguration Day was Gabe and Julie sitting in the apartment and reading the newspaper.

“Know who this guys looks like?” Gabe asks, pointing to a picture in the paper.

“One of your relatives?” Julie replies, as if she’s already dreading what’s to come.

“My cousin, Sidney Kotter!” Gabe announces.

Cousin Sid was so stupid that he once locked his keys in the car. He called the auto club (the auto club again!) and they said they would be there in an hour. Sid replied, “Well, you can’t come here in an hour because it’s raining outside and my car’s a convertible and I left the top down.”

At school, Gabe teaches about World War II but he’s obviously distracted, not even acknowledging a joke told by Epstein. After the bell rings and the rest of the class leaves, Gabe tells the main four Sweathogs that he’s having problems at home. Everyone assumes that Julie has left him again but Gabe eventually confesses that he’s nervous because his father is coming for a visit from Florida. Barbarino says that Gabe has nothing to be nervous about.

“Vinny,” Gabe says, “Imagine your father is coming 14,000 miles to see his son! Imagine that!”

Barbarino tries to imagine. “Is he coming on a bus or a train?”

Gabe then compares his father the iceberg that hit the Titanic, which leads to the Sweathogs singing a song about an iceberg wearing a sports shirt.

The next morning, at the apartment, Julie struggles to convince Gabe to get out of bed and get ready for his father’s visit. While Gabe and Julie try to figure out why his father would come all the way to New York from Florida, the man himself, Charlie Kotter (Harold Gould), knocks on the front door. Charlie enters the apartment and tells Julie that she’s beautiful and then orders Gabe to “wash your teeth.” Charlie declares that the cab that picked him up at the airport was Gabe’s apartment and says that he’s glad that he’ll be staying with Gabe’s brother, Melvin. “Remember your brother, Melvin?” Charlie asks before then asking if Gabe has found a real job yet.

You may have guessed that Charlie and Gabe have a strained relationship and they do. Charlie thinks that Gabe is wasting his life, teaching remedial classes at his old high school in New York. Gabe thinks that he’s doing a good thing by teaching the Sweathogs. Charlie says that he wants Gabe to come back to Florida with him and join him in selling coconut-themed souvenirs. “Kotter and Son!” Charlie announces. Charlie then says that he’s going to school with Gabe so that he can finally see what Gabe does for a living. Gabe is not happy about this but finds himself powerless to stop his elderly father from following him out of the apartment.

Cut to the school, where Charlie has made friends with Mr. Woodman. As Mr. Woodman looks at the coconut paperweight that Charlie has given him, Charlie says, “I just want to see what my son does for a living.” Woodman asks Charlie to let him know if he ever figures it out.

In class, Gabe tries to teach but is nervous with Charlie constantly interrupting him. Finally, Charlie agrees to remain quiet so that he can observe and Gabe teaches about the Great Depression while pretending to be Walter Winchell doing a radio report. Gabe pretends to be a stockbroker who has lost everything. He pretends to be a bitter worker. He pretends to be Herbert Hoover. Charlie is skeptical of Gabe’s techniques but then Gabe proves that the Sweathogs now know and understand far more about the Great Depression than they did at the start of the class. Even Barbarino had debatably picked up some knowledge!

(“What did the Stock Market crash do to the price of products?” Gabe asks Barbarino. “What products?” Barbarino replies.)

Charlie asks Gabe to step out in the hallway and tells Gabe that he knows Gabe isn’t going to move down to Florida.

Gabe says, “Pop, I’m 30 years old. Just tell me your proud of me!”

“You should hear how much I talk about in Florida,” Charlies replies, “People down there are sick of hearing about you! Now, go teach your Sweathogs.”

Realizing that he’s not going to get anything better than that, Gabe returns to his classroom. As Gabe closes the door, Charlie says, “I’m proud of you, my son.”

Gabe opens the door and says, “I heard you.”

Awwwwwwww!

Back at the apartment, Charlie asks Julie if she ever heard about what happened to his brother, Saul Kotter. Julie is a bit more tolerant of Charlie telling jokes than she is when Gabe does it. Anyway, Saul was hit by a truck while crossing the street. A policeman put his jacket under Saul’s head and asked him if he was comfortable. Saul replied, “I make a good living.” As Charlie finishes his joke, Gabe steps in the apartment and asks, “Julie, have I ever told you about my Uncle Saul?”

This episode definitely worked, mostly because Harold Gould and Gabe Kaplan were totally believable as father and son. There were not a lot of Sweathog shenanigans this episode but the scenes between Gabe and his father were well-acted and ultimately rather sweet.

Next week: Gabe takes a second job to pay for dental work! Julie thinks that he’s having an affair with someone who actually likes his jokes.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.15 “Sweatgate Scandal”

Posted on October 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Sweathogs learn about the free press!

Episode 2.15 “Sweatgate Scandal”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 13th, 1977)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a hunter. Apparently, he went out in the woods, ran into a beautiful woman, and asked her, “Are you game?” She said yes and, as Gabe puts it, “He shot her.”

Yikes!

Meanwhile, at school, Epstein and Horshack are upset that the school newspaper is always “putting down the Sweathogs” and criticizing Freddie as a basketball player. They’re especially upset because Mr. Kotter is the newspaper’s faculty advisor. When Gabe arrives at class, he explains that he’s just the advisor, not the editor. Gabe also says that he’s more interested in the front page story, about someone breaking into Mr. Lazarus’s office and stealing some of his confidential files.

“They’ll probably blame that on us,” Freddie says.

“No one’s going to blame this on you,” Gabe replies.

Of course, Woodman steps into the classroom and immediately demands to know who was responsible for “the Lazarus break-in.” Woodman also demands to know where Gabe was during the break-in. Gabe says that he was attending Woodman’s speech on “Self-defense with a number two pencil.”

Gabe decides that the Sweathogs need to make their voices heard so he offers to give extra credit to any Sweathog who works on the school newspaper. He says that they can investigate the Lazarus break-in.

“Oh, it’ll be just like the All The President’s Men!” Horshack says.

“I get to be Robert Redford!” Barbarino declares.

“Well, I’m Dustin Hoffman,” Epstein replies, “I’m walking here!”

At the school newspaper, Freddie, Horshack, Barbarino, and Epstein find themselves working with two characters who appeared regularly during the first season, Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck) and Todd Ludlow (Dennis Bowen). Freddie writes the sports page. Horshack reveals his gossip columnist skills by revealing that Judy’s had a nose job. Barbarino and Epstein are investigative reporters and are assigned to investigate the Lazarus Break-In. However, Woodman drops by the newspaper’s office and explains that Lazarus doesn’t want the break-in to be investigated. “Cork it!” Woodman shouts.

After Horshack finds a note in his Twinkie, Epstein and Barbarino head to the Boys’s Bathroom, where they meet up with an informant named Deep Throat. (“But you can call me Deep.”) The informant, who is hiding in a stall, tells them to “Follow the liver.”

“What do I do when I catch it?” Barbarino asks.

Deep Throat goes on to explain that the break-in at Lazarus’s office is connected to another break-in at the school cafeteria.

We cut to the school at night. Barbarino and Epstein have written their story but they need Gabe to look over it and approve it. Gabe arrives at the school in tuxedo, explaining that, once a week, he and Julie play nightclub, in which he puts on a tuxedo and tells jokes while Julie puts on a nightgown and heckles him. Sounds like fun!

The story suggests that the school has been buying liver substitute as opposed to real liver and someone has been pocketing the money that was saved. When Gabe needs a little more proof, Epstein and Barbarino lead him out to the hallway, where Deep Throat awaits in the shadows. Deep Throat confirms the story and then says, “I must go home and gargle.” Could Woodman be Deep Throat?

The latest edition of the newspaper is published, with Barbarino and Epstein’s story on the front page. When Woodman comes in the office and informs them that Lazarus is launching a full-scale investigation but that he’s not happy about the story. Judy informs Woodman that she’s not to blame because she’s an honor’s student.

“I’ve never gotten a B!” Judy says.

“Neither have a I,” Horshack replies.

Woodman reveals that the cafeteria will now be serving real liver and then he lowers his voice and says, “You can call me Deep.”

MR. WOODMAN WAS DEEP THROAT! Well …. yeah, who else would it be? It’s not as if there’s a huge amount of characters on this show.

After Woodman leaves, Gabe asks Barbarino and Epstein if he’s ever told them about his Uncle Max, who once hired an investigative reporter. Barbarino and Epstein groan and Gabe reveals that the investigative reporter discovered that Max’s wife was cheating on him.

This was a cute episode. Barbarino and Epstein always make for a good team and any episode that allows Woodman to go nuts is worth watching. Always follow the liver!

Next week: Gabe’s father comes to visit!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.13 “A Love Story” and 2.14 “Caruso’s Way”

Posted on October 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week is all about love and punishment!

Episode 2.13 “A Love Story”

(Dir by James Komack & Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on December 30th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Pete and Aunt Priscilla and how they won “a lot of money in the sweepstakes.”

In class, Gabe is teaching about the Spanish-American War when Freddie comes in doing the “She Loves Me/She Loves Me Not” routine with a daisy. Freddie is followed by a new student named Carmen (Lisa Mordente), who hands Gabe a note.

“Dear Mr. Kotter,” it reads, “please excuse my daughter’s violent temper. Don’t get her mad and she won’t have to deck you. Signed, Epstein’s Sister’s Mother.”

That’s right, Carmen is Epstein’s sister! When Epstein says, “What’s my baby sister doing in this class!?,” Carmen attacks him and throws him on top of Gabe’s desk.

After Gabe seperates the siblings, he introduces her to the class. Epstein can only watch in horror as Barbarino says, “You really filled out,” and Horshack says, “I want you have your children.”

Fortunately, the bell rings and school ends. Horshack stays after class to tell Kotter that he’s now in love with Carmen Epstein. Gabe encorages him to have confidence and ask out anyone that he wants to ask out.

Meanwhile, Epstein goes to the principal’s office with Carmen so that he can ask his best friend, Principal Lazarus, to transfer Carmen out of the Sweathogs. While Epstein talks to Lazarus, Horshack enters the office and approaches Carmen. When Horshack sees that Carmen is carrying a trumpet, Horshack says that he love the trumpet. Carmen plays a terrible version of Three Blind Mice for him. Horshack asks Carmen to go out with him but Barbarino walks into the office and asks Carmen to come with him. As anyone would, Carmen abandons Horshack for Barbarino. “I might even let you ask me out on Saturday,” Barbarino tells Carmen. Awwwwwww! Barbrino!

Gabe steps into the office and, as Horshack tells Gabe about what happened, Freddie steps into the room and reads a poem that he’s written for his new love. Epstein comes out of Lazarus’s office at the same time that Woodman is coming out of his office. Epstein warns Woodman that Lazarus doesn’t like him. This leads to a vintage Woodman meltdown as he points out that not only is his office smaller than Lazarus’s but his American flag only has 13 stars. “I’m plotting a mutiny,” Woodman says, “You can join, Kotter!” As Woodman plots to take over the school, Freddie mentions that he saw Barbarino heading down to the boardwalk with Carmen. Epstein announces that he’s going to kill Barbarino.

In the very next scene, Epstein has been chained to a locker and Horshack is still talking about how he just wants to devote his life to Carmen. Freddie suggests that maybe Epstein should give Horshack his blessings to date Carmen to keep Carmen away from Barbarino. Epstein agrees because he figures that Horshack won’t “try anything” with his sister. However, as soon as Horshack starts to rehearse what he’s going to say to Carmen, Epstein starts to shout, “STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER! STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER!”

The next day, in class, Gabe announces that they’re going to use the last few minutes of class to talk about love. He asks Vinny to explain what love means to him.

“Love,” Barbarino says, “mean never having to hear I’m pregnant.”

Epstein flies into a rage telling Barbarino to stop hitting on Carmen. Barbarino replies, “I’ve got a disease!” No, not that type of disease. It’s a disaease that Barbarino calls “Girlitis” and it requires him to hit on every girl he sees. Horshack then starts yelling at Barbarino, saying that Barbarino that he has no idea what it’s like to be alone. Carmen announces that Horshack has guts and “I like a man with guts!” Carmen then shows that she can take care of herself by beating up her brother.

Horshack literally picks up Carmen in his arms and announces that he wants to show her his shell collection under the boardwalk.

“YOU’RE GOING TO DIE, ARNOLD!” Epstein yells.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that Carmen Epstein has transferred out of his class. Oh, okay. I guess that takes care of that plotline. Gabe tells Julie a joke about the time his sister Eileen lost a tooth and figured out that Gabe was the tooth fairy.

This is another one of those episodes that worked because it largely focused on how the four main Sweathogs related to each other. Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, and John Travolta all had a tremendous amount of chemistry and it’s always fun to watch them play off of each other. Ron Palillo occasionally went bit overboard but, with a character like Horshack, I imagine it was probably impossible not to. That said, Palillo more than held his own in this episode and his awkward flirting with Carmen was actually rather sweet. I still would have gone for Barbarino.

Episode 2.14 “Caruso’s Way”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 6th, 1977)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was an inventor and who invented a deodorant called Invisible because, when it was worn, no one would want to acknowledge you. This leads to usual pity laughs from Julie.

At school, Gabe tries to teach about the War of 1812. (“When did it start?” Horshack asks.) Gabe notices that Barbarino is not in class and asks if anyone has seen him. Epstein says that Barbarino was fooling around in gym class and doing his “Ba-Baa-Baaa-Barbarino” dance and Coach Caruso ordered him to stay after class.

When Barbarino finally arrives at Gabe’s class, everyone wants to know what happened but a visibly shaken Barbarino insists that nothing happened and asks Gabe to resume teaching about the War of 1812. (Even Gabe is shocked.) When Epstein says he’d rather here about the “war between Vinny and Caruso,” Gabe announces that it’s Barbarino’s business and they’re not going to discuss what happened between Barbarino and Caruso.

On cue, Woodman enters the classroom and he says that he needs to discuss what happened between Barbarino and Caruso. Woodman says that he’s hearing rumors that Caruso hit Barbarino in front of the Girls Gym Class. “There are rules againt hitting students, even Sweathogs,” Woodman says, “I don’t know why.” Barbarino denies that Caruso hit him and Woodman leaves.

However, after the bell rings, Barbarino tells Gabe, Freddie, Epstein, and Horshack that Caruso did hit him but that he’s got a plan to get revenge but he can’t reveal it. Gabe suggests that Barbarino “cool down about it” before doing anything foolish.

Later, Barbarino drops in on Gabe and Julie at their apartment and you can literally see Julie (or maybe just Marcia Strassman) light up at the idea of sharing a scene with John Travolta as opposed to just with Gabe Kaplan.

Barbarino asks them if they watched the news and if they saw any reports on what happened between him and Caruso. Gabe jokes that they broke into “Bowling for Dentures” to report on it. “Really?” Barbarino asks. Awwwwwwww! Poor Barbarino!

Gabe and Julie try to dissuade Barbarino from hitting Caruso back. Barbarino says that he’s thinking of borrowing his uncle’s cement truck and using it to drive over Caruso. Gabe tells Barbarino a story about what happened when Gabe’s friend Bonzo Moretti was slapped by Caruso. Bonzo went to his parents but Barbarino says that telling his parents would just lead to his mother praying for something bad to happen to Caruso. After suggesting that Julie stock the kitchen with Danish and root beer for anyone who might drop by, Barbarino leaves.

The next day, Gabe talks to Woodman and asks Woodman would he would do if “two of your teachers had a confrontation.”

“Fire you,” Woodman replies.

Coach Caruso (played by veteran tough guy actor, Scott Brady) steps into Gabe’s classroom and, after Woodman leaves, they discuss the Barbarino situation. In a very well-acted scene (seriously, this episode features Gabe Kaplan at his most sincere), Gabe tells Caruso that, when he was a student, it bothered him when he heard about Caruso hitting kids. “Now that I’m a teacher, it bothers me even more.” Gabe explains that Caruso took away Barbarino’s pride and asks Caruso to apologize to him. Caruso refuses, saying that he his own pride to think of. Gabe convinces Caruso to come back to the classroom in the afternoon, so that Barbarino can apologize to him and Caruso can apologize back and they can both retain their pride.

However, when Caruso shows up in class and Barbarino apologizes, Caruso refuses to return the apology. (What a jerk!) Instead, Caruso challenges Barbarino to an arm wrestling contest.

“How macho!” Horshack exclaims.

Barbarino wins the arm wrestling contest! Yay! Caruso warmly congratulates Barbarino and leaves. In the hallways, Caruso confesses to letting Barbarino beat him. “When you went to school here,” Caruso says, “I taught you. Today, you taught me.” Awwwwwwww!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about the time his Uncle Moe went to Miami Beach and jumped into a pool that he had been told was lukewarm, just to discover it was freezing. “How could you say that water was lukewarm!?” Moe demanded of another vacatinor. “I don’t know, look warm to me .”

This was a great episode, featuring the young John Travolta at his sensitive best and also giving Gabe Kaplan a chance to show off that he actually could act. Barbarino regained his pride, Coach Caruso learned how to be a better teacher, and Woodman continued to be Woodman.

Next week: Gabe’s father visits!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.11 “Sweathog Clinic for the Cure of Smoking” and 2.12 “Hark, The Sweatking”

Posted on September 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Epstein smokes and the Sweathogs learn the true meaning of Christmas!

Episode 2.11 “Sweathog Clinic for the Cure of Smoking”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 16th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie a joke about his uncle, a doctor who used to trick his patients into sticking their tongue out and staring out his office window as a way to anger the people on the other side of the street.

At school, Horshack is stunned to see Epstein lighting up a cigarette in the boys room. (Epstein hides his cigarettes in the paper towel dispenser.) Horshack says that he is shocked and he points out that smoking is against the school rules. (Since when do Sweathogs care about the school rules?) Epstein responds by blowing smoke in Horshack’s face. Then, Gabe and Woodman step into the restroom and Epstein desperately flushes his cigarette but not before everyone sees him exhaling a cloud of smoke.

Woodman takes Epstein to the office of the perpetually unseen Principal Lazarus. Woodman tells Gabe that he can’t wait to see how Epstein gets punished but it turns out that Epstein is the only person at the school who Lazarus likes. Disillusioned at the lack of punishment for Epstein, Woodman announces that he’s moving to Scarsdale and goes into his office. Epstein, meanwhile, promises both Gabe and Barbarino (who just happens to be in the front office for some reason) that he’ll quit smoking.

However, the next day, Gabe again catches Epstein in the boys room, smoking. Epstein confesses that he can’t quit smoking. Gabe tells a story about how, when he was 12, he was addicted to potato knishes. Gabe explains that his knish habit led him to moving onto harder junk food, like Twinkies. In order to break his habit, Gabe says he went cold turkey.

“Cold turkey!?” Epstein says.

“That’s right. For five days, I ate nothing but cold turkey!”

Gabe says that he and the Sweathogs will help Epstein break his smoking habit through aversion therapy.

“Oh yeah,” Barbarino nods, “Perversion therapy. We’ll torture Juan until he quits smoking.”

The next day, Gabe, Epstein, Woodman, and the Sweathogs gather in Gabe’s classroom to make Epstein “unlearn” smoking. After talking about his own struggle to quit smoking, Woodman leaves the classroom. It’s probably for the best because one can imagine how Woodman would have reacted to Juan smoking a cigarette while Barbarino and Freddie walked in place on a red carpet in an attempt to generate enough static electricity to shock Epstein every time that he took a puff.

When shock therapy proves ineffective (for some reason, Gabe is the one who keeps getting shocked), Horshack comes into the classroom, dressed like a doctor. While twirling his stethoscope, Horshack asks Epstein about his sex life because “I thought it would be fun to hear about.” Gabe suggests that Horshack not ask anyone about their sex life until “you get one yourself.” Freddie then says, “Hi, there,” and pretends to be someone who has been smoking for four years and can now only say a few words without coughing. Gabe then forces Epstein to smell a cup full of soggy cigarettes. They then force Epstein to smoke three cigarettes at once.

“Doesn’t taste so good, does it, Mr. Puff!?” Gabe shouts.

Epstein gives up cigarettes but, seven days later, he shows up at school with a pipe. Gabe says that he’s disappointed in Epstein but then Epstein points out that Gabe is eating a knish. Gabe agrees to give up knishes if Epstein gives up smoking. Epstein agrees and he and Gabe dramatically toss all of the tobacco and knishes into the trash. It turns out that Gabe had a knish hidden in every corner of the classroom.

Back at the apartment, a knish-free Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who was a famous frontiersman.

This episode worked because it centered not on a guest star or a gimmick but instead on the Sweathogs acting like their usual goofy selves. The second season has, so far, been a bit more uneven than the first but the chemistry between Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Ron Pallilo, and John Travolta continues to be, along with John Sylvester White’s delightfully unhinged turn as Woodman, the show’s greatest strength.

Episode 2.12 “Hark, The Sweatking”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 23rd, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who got drunk at the zoo. “They don’t sell liquor at the zoo,” Julie replies.

It’s Christmas in Brooklyn! Horshack is hoping that he’ll finally get a Marie Osmond doll from Santa. The other Sweathogs are more interested in Angie (Michael V. Gazzo, who played Frankie Pentangelli in The Godfather Part II), the homeless man who is hanging out in the school’s courtyard and who claims that he was once a corporate executive. Gabe reveals that Angie has been coming by the school ever since Gabe was a student at Buchanan himself. After Gabe hears the Sweathogs making fun of Angie, he decides to invite Angie to come speak to the class.

“What’s he going to teach us?” Epstein asks, “Advanced vagrancy?”

Before Angie can start his speech, Woodman steps in the room and refers to Angie as being “our Christmas hobo.” Gabe says that Woodman probably goes around from house-to-house on Christmas Eve and tells all the kids that there’s no Santa Claus.

“Someone has to do it,” Woodman says and, as always, John Sylvester White totally nails the line. One of the underrated joys of this show is watching Woodman go progressively more and more insane.

Angie finally tells his story, explaining that he was a butcher with a wife and a family but he gambled away all of his money. One night, coming home broke, Angie discovered that his wife and his kids had left. Wiping away the tears, Angie leaves the classroom.

Feeling guilty, the Sweathogs want to do something for Angie. Freddie suggests putting Angie on their “shop-lifting lists.” Horshack makes a slightly more legal suggestion, saying that they should pool the money that they were going to use to buy each other gifts and instead, do something for Angie.

What do they do for Angie? Barbarino gets him some fresh clothes. Freddie gives him a haircut while Epstein shaves his beard and mustache. And Gabe invites Angie to come to the Christmas party that Julie and he are throwing at the apartment.

The action cuts to the apartment, where Julie is complaining about having to spend Christmas Eve with Gabe’s students. Julie then gives Gabe the Hanukkah bush that she bought for the holidays while Gabe explains that he has nothing for Julie because he spent all of his money on Angie. Epstein, Freddie, Horshack, and Barbarino show up, complaining that they haven’t seen Angie since helping him out. On cue, Angie shows up at the apartment, once again dressed like he was when the Sweathogs first saw him in the courtyard. Angie thanks the Sweathogs for everything but says that, for now, he’s comfortable living on the streets. Angie leaves and the Sweathogs are angry that they spent all of their money on someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Gabe tells them that the important thing is that they tried to help another human being. And then he reveals that he has presents for all of the Sweathogs. Yay! Merry Christmas!

After everyone leaves and Julie has fallen asleep on the couch, Gabe spots Santa Claus sitting in the kitchen and tells him about his cousin Eileen, who was so skinny that she had to wear snow shoes in the shower.

“Ho ho ho!” Santa replies.

This was a sweet episode, featuring good performances from not just the regulars but also from Michael V. Gazzo. Gabe telling a joke to Santa was adorable and the perfect way to end the episode. I love Christmas shows!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.9 “Hello, Ms. Chips” and 2.10 “Horshack vs. Carvelli”

Posted on September 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mr. Kotter gets a student teacher!

Episode 2.9 “Hello, Ms. Chips”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 2nd, 1976)

Instead of telling a joke about a relative, Gabe starts the show by coming home from shopping with Julie. When Julie says that everyone at the store was crazy, Gabe comments that the women were all pushing and shoving and “bumping into me.”

“I’m going back tomorrow!” Gabe declares while Julie gives him a pity laugh.

At Buchanan High School, Woodman introduces Gabe to his new student teacher, Ms. Wright (Valerie Curtin).

“Ms. Wright,” Gabe says, “My mother always said I’d meet you someday.”

“Keep your sick fantasies out of this, Kotter,” Woodman replies. “Watch her carefully, you remember what happened to the last student teacher …. she still sends me ceramic wallets from the home.”

After Woodman leaves, Gabe gets to know Ms. Wright and discovers that she’s read about the Sweathogs in her textbooks. Gabe acknowledges that the classroom is famous and adds, “Some of our best teachers have passed through the windows.”

The Sweathogs make their arrival. Ms. Wright observes the way that Gabe handles getting them to read their essays on what they would do if they were president and then she steps in and tries to teach while looking through her thick lesson plan. Needless to say, the Sweathogs do not react well to that and Epstein throws a fit when Ms. Wright reads his essay (which is actually a poem) about how he would make the world a better, flower-filled place as President. Ms. Wright runs, sobbing, from the room.

Gabe tracks Ms. Wright down to the front office, where Ms. Wright is asking Mr. Woodman what it was like when he was a teacher. Woodman proceeds to sing Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen.

“Didn’t they have spankings in those days?” Ms. Wright asks.

“Yes,” Woodman replies, “but my students only spanked me once.”

The next day, Ms. Wright tries again. This time, she tires to imitate Gabe’s approach and awkwardly tells Epstein, “In your mouth with a sandwich,” when he tries to apologize her. Ms. Wright tells a series of Kotter-style jokes but her cheery delivery is all wrong. Ms. Wright suddenly announces that Gabe’s technique isn’t right for her and that she’s just going to quit.

“You can’t quit,” Freddie says, “You’re not a lousy teacher, we’re just lousy students!”

Ms. Wright learns a valuable lesson about not teaching from the book and not trying to teach like someone else but just teaching as herself. Ms. Wright says that she wants to tell the class about President Buchanan.

“That name sounds familiar,” Vinnie says.

This was not a bad episode. I appreciated that Ms. Wright had to find her own style as opposed to just blindly following Gabe’s style. Speaking of Gabe’s style, he ends the episode telling Julie about his Uncle Wilford Kotter, who was in love with an elephant.

Episode 2.10 “Horshack vs. Carvelli”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 9th, 1976)

At the apartment, Gabe calls his Uncle Herman and tells him that Julie’s going to be home in five minutes and he doesn’t have a joke to tell her. Gabe asks if anything funny has happened in Herman’s life recently. Herman tells Gabe about a guy who crossed an elephant and a beaver. Herman says that he once knew a guy who was so mean that he used to train homing pigeons and then move. Judging from the expression on Gabe’s face, Herman then proceeds to tell him something really wild.

(Julie, by the way, apparently never comes home and, therefore, does not appear in this episode.)

At school, the Silver Gloves Boxing Tournament is approaching and the Sweathogs are debating who will take on New Utrecht High’s most fearsome fighter, Carvelli (Charles Fleischer). Woodman is especially concerned because he says that, in 20 years, Buchanan has never won the tournament. When Gabe says that Bonzo Maretti won one year, Woodman replies, “Eating your opponent doesn’t count!” Woodman wants a Sweathog to bring home a trophy. Unfortunately, it appears that all of Woodman’s hopes rest on Arnold Horshack who is demanding to be the one to fight Carvelli. As Horshack puts it, he’s tired of always being the one who is pushed to the side.

It’s time for a training montage, as Gabe and Woodman teach Horshack how to throw a punch.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t go well as Horshack ends up getting knocked down by Mr. Woodman. “Maybe I should fight Carvelli!” Woodman says.

At the boxing match …. actually, I was expecting this to be one of those episodes where Horshack somehow ended up winning despite the odds but actually, he gets knocked out during the first round. But all the Sweathogs are proud of him for having the guts to enter the ring so it’s a bit of a personal victory for him. Plus, Gabe tells him a joke about his Uncle Maxie Kotter.

Yay! Horshack finally won some self-respect! Horshack was often the most cartoonish thing about this show and it’s rare that there was ever anything subtle about Ron Palillo’s performance but he deserves some credit for his work on this episode. He revealed that, beneath the weird façade, Horshack was just as vulnerable and insecure as all the rest of the Sweathogs. He didn’t win the fight but he won the audience’s heart and good for him!

Next week: Epstein is caught smoking!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.7 “Sweathog, Nebraska Style” and 2.8 “Sadie Hawkins Day”

Posted on September 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Julie’s sister shows up and Juan Epstein falls in love.

Episode 2.7 “Sweathog, Nebraska Style”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 11th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Oscar, who was harassed one day by three bikers and who responded by “driving over three motorcycles in the parking lot.”

Unfortunately, Julie is not really interested in jokes this week. Her teenage sister, Jenny (Susan Pratt), suddenly shows up in Brooklyn and explains that she has left Nebraska because she had a fight with her longtime boyfriend, Roger Abernathy. Julie insists that Jenny attend classes at Buchanan High but is horrified when Jenny promptly starts to date Juan Epstein! Julie even goes up to the school to complain to the principal, Mr. Lazarus, about her sister dating a Sweathog. (Never mind, of course, that Julie herself married a former Sweathog.) This episode also establishes that the never-seen Mr. Lazarus is apparently best friends with Juan Epstein.

Jenny finally agrees to return to Nebraska but just because Epstein is planning on going back with her. Not even Barbarino and Freddie dressing up as farmers and Horshack putting on a cow outfit can convince Epstein to stay in New York. But then Roger Abernathy calls from Nebraska, apologizes for arguing with Jenny, and Jenny dumps Epstein and heads back home alone.

After Jenny leaves, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle SitDownThere Kotter, who got that name because of the time he stood up in a movie theater and everyone yelled, “Hey, sit down there!”

“That is the worst joke I’ve ever heard in my entire life,” Julie replies. Gabe looks sincerely hurt.

Actually, Julie doesn’t come across particularly well in this episode, flat out announcing that Juan Epstein is not good enough for her sister and basically acting like the biggest snob in Brooklyn. It’s hard not to feel bad for Epstein, who seems to have genuine feelings for Jenny but who gets rather abruptly dumped at the last minute. For all the talk about how moving to Nebraska would be a strange thing for Epstein to do, it probably would have also been a good thing for him. He would be free of his reputation for “being most likely to take a life” and he could start his own life all over again. In the end, though, Jenny abandons him and returns to Roger. According to the IMDb, this is Jenny’s only appearance on Welcome Back Kotter, so I’m going to assume that things went well for her back in Omaha.

Let’s move on.

Episode 2.8 “Sadie Hawkins Day”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 18th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his cousin Shermie, who didn’t start talking until he was 9 years old. Shermie’s first words were “cereal bowl.”

It’s time for the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance at Buchanan High! Barbarino is scandalized by the idea of girls asking out boys. “You know when girls should be able to ask us out?” Barbarino tells Horshack, “When they can get us in …. trouble.” Barbarino does, however, give Horshack some advice on how to get a date. His hair should always look like it’s been dried by the wind. Horshack should always use the “Barbarino stance,” which is defined as looking like you don’t care one way or the other. Barbarino sings his Ba-Ba-Barbarino song while showing Horshack how to relax. The audience loves it.

Barbarino is not the only person who has an issue with Sadie Hawkins Day. Mr. Woodman hides out in Gabe’s class and pretends to be a student in order to prevent Ms. Fishbeck from asking him out. Gabe tells Woodman that no one is going to mistake him for a Sweathog.

“Hi there,” Woodman replies, doing his best Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington impersonation.

Eventually, Ms. Fishbeck does manage to track down Mr. Woodman, hiding in the teacher’s lounge and jumping out of a cupboard. Barbarino, however, is less lucky than either Woodman or Fishbeck. With the day of the dance rapidly approaching, Barbarino doesn’t have a date! Barbarino is so self-absorbed that he doesn’t even realize when someone is trying to work up the courage to ask him out. Later, when one girl does find the courage to ask Barbarino to the dance, Barbarino turns her down because he doesn’t want anyone to learn that he didn’t get a date until the day before the dance. Gabe points out that Barbarino’s actions don’t make any sense. “It’s not easy being a living legend,” Barbarino explains.

Despite not having a date, Barbarino does show up at Buchanan High on the night of the dance. However, instead of joining everyone in the courtyard, he decides to sit in Gabe’s classroom. Gabe finds him in the room and starts to tell Barbarino a story about his time as a student at Buchanan High. “No more stories!” Barbarino begs before heading down to the courtyard. Barbarino confesses to the other Sweathogs that he doesn’t have a date. However, Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck), making her first appearance since the end of the first season, reveals that she doesn’t have a date either. Quickly adopting the Barbarino Stance, Barbarino becomes Judy’s date. Everyone dances and, even though we’re supposed to laugh at Barbarino ending up with the loud and obnoxious Judy, they actually make a really cute couple.

As the dance wraps up, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Atlas, who used to play handball with a guy named Morty.

This episode worked largely due to the performance of John Travolta, who does a good job of portraying both Barbarino’s well-meaning stupidity and his (often hidden) sensitivity. On the one hand, Barbarino had no one to blame but himself. On the other hand, the scene where gazed out the classroom window at all of his friends having fun was actually a little heart-breaking. Personally, I hope things work out for Barbarino and Judy. They’re a great couple!

Next week: Horshack wants to become a boxer!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 2.5 “The Museum” and 2.6 “Gabe Under Pressure”

Posted on September 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Sweathogs meet John Astin and Gabe goes to the doctor!

Episode 2.5 “The Museum”

(Dir by Bill Davis, originally aired on October 28th, 1976)

Mr. Woodman steps out of his office, just to find Gabe waiting for him.

“Mr. Woodman,” Gabe says, “did I ever tell you about the black sheep of my family?”

“I thought that was you,” Woodman replies.

Wow! Woodman has clearly already won this exchange but Gabe still proceeds to tell Mr. Woodman about his Uncle Lefty Kotter, who was a gambler. Mr. Woodman dramatically sighs and walks out of the office. See, Gabe, not everyone’s as patient as Julie.

After the opening credits, we find Gabe and Julie preparing the Sweathogs for a field trip to the Museum of Natural History. Barbarino is super excited because he’s never been to a real museum before. He explains that he did go to a wax museum once. “I saw Raquel Welch,” Barbarino explains, “Did you know that wax come right off in your hands?”

When Mr. Woodman comes out of his office to complain about the Sweathogs being taken off campus, Epstein explains that they’ve decide to take Woodman to the museum with them. Freddie announces that Woodman is going to be his field trip buddy. Personally, I think it would be fun to go on a field trip with Mr. Woodman because Mr. Woodman is clearly insane.

When the Sweathogs reach the museum, it actually looks a lot like one of those “horror dungeon museums” that always seem to pop up around Halloween.

Arnold is frightened of the museum and tosses a bunch of salt over his shoulder and into Epstein’s eyes. (Yes, Arnold is carrying a salt shaker with him.) Gabe asks the museum curator, Mr. Gore (John Astin), to assure Arnold that there is no reason to be scared. Mr. Gore explains that his name is pronounced “Gor-ay,” and then says that there are powers in the world about which one should not joke. “There are forces here,” Gore explains, “that do not appreciate one-liners!” Uh-oh, Gabe’s in trouble!

Barbarino and Freddie are also in trouble because they’ve entered an exclusive room that is home to an Egyptian mummy!

“This room is for VIPs only!” Mr. Gore declares.

“I am a VIP,” Barbarino protests. “I’m a Very Italian Person.”

Mr. Gore agrees to show the Sweathogs the Egyptian room on the condition that they touch nothing. “Or else you’ll risk the wrath of the pharohs!” Julie proceeds to say that the mummy doesn’t look a day over 2500 years old. Gabe jokes about the Mummy being named Pew. Mr. Gore, having grown annoyed, dares Gabe to open a cursed sarcophogus and risk the Mummy coming back to life. Gabe opens it, just to have Horshack step out of it.

“Hello,” Horshack says, “how are ya?”

Gore faints. Woodman announces that it’s time for the Sweathogs to return to the school. One problem, the door to the Egyptian room has slammed shut and cannot be opened. “Its the Curse of Pew!” a delirious Gore says.

Gabe explains that they’ll probably be trapped in the room until the next morning and then proceeds to give a mock eulogy for Pew The Mummy.

“We’re doomed!” Woodman shouts, “All doomed!”

Mr. Gore finally wakes up and says that he’s sure the curator will come to their rescue.

“Mr. Gor-ay,” Gabe says, “You’re the curator”

“How unfortunate,” Gore replies.

With everyone trapped in the Egyptian Room together, Horshack worries that he’ll never get a chance to meet Marie Osmond. When Gabe notices that there’s an air duct that someone could crawl through to get help, Horshack volunteers. Unfortunately, it turns out that the air duct just circles around the room so Horshack returns and continues to think about becoming an Osmond.

“I may be dying,” Woodman yells, “But I’m taking you Sweathogs with me! The mummy is going to get us if we don’t get out!”

Mr. Gore suggests that the Mummy might be satisfied with a human sacrifice. Woodman calls for Horshack to come over.

Fortunately, Epstein says that he’s seen enough home repair shows to know how to find “the stress part” of the door and open it. He taps on the door and …. it opens! The audience goes wild, even if it does seem like kind of an anticlimactic way to end the episode. But at least Epstein got to be the hero for once.

This episode was cartoonish, even by the standards of Welcome Back Kotter, but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that this episode aired three days before Halloween. This was a holiday episode and I imagine it was a lot of fun when viewed on a dark and stormy night in 1976.

Episode 2.6 “Gabe Under Pressure”

(Dir by Jay Sandrich, originally aired on November 4th, 1976)

Julie brings Gabe his lunch.

“Did I ever tell you about my uncle who thought he was a horse?” Gabe asks. He proceeds to tell her about him. Julie smiles tolerantly.

As for the main storyline, the free clinic (where Julie volunteers) is offering free physicals at Buchanan High. Gabe expects the Sweathogs to take advantage of the offer but he himself refuses to go to the doctor to find out why he has a pain in his chest. It turns out that Gabe is scared of doctors! The Sweathogs are concerned enough to show up at Gabe’s apartment. Barbarino tries to take Gabe’s pulse. When Gabe asks if Barbarino knows what he’s doing, Barbarino replies, “I know it like the back of my hand.” Barbarino then gets distracted by the back of his hand.

Touched by the concern of his students, Gabe conquers his fear and sees the doctor. Gabe discovers he is okay and everyone watching learns a lesson about getting a regular check-up. It’s a pretty simple episode, one that is probably most interesting for having aired two days after the 1976 presidential election. Kotter went to the doctor and Carter went to the White House but Mr. Woodman stayed right where he was.

Later, with the physical having been completed, Gabe tells Mr. Woodman, “You have to hear about my Uncle Kermit Kotter!”

“No, I don’t, Kotter!” Woodman replies.

Gabe says that his Uncle Kermit always used to walk by a bakery and he would see a woman hitting her son with a loaf of bread. One day, Uncle Kermit walked by and the woman was hitting her son with a chocolate cake. Gabe says that his Uncle Kermit asked why the woman was hitting her son with a chocolate cake and….

“And the woman says because it’s his birthday,” Woodman replies, “I already heard it, Kotter.”

Seriously, John Sylvester White was a national treasure.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.3 “Sweatside Story” and 2.4 “The Fight”

Posted on September 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Sweathogs get violent!

Episode 2.3 “Sweatside Story”

(Dir by Bill Persky, originally aired on October 7th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a highway patrolman and who once chased a guy who was running 80 miles per hour. I didn’t really get the joke.

At school, class is interrupted by a fire drill. While Horshack panics, Epstein tells Barbarino that he’s tired of drills and is thinking of setting the school on fire so that “they can see how it’s done under real pressure.” While everyone waits in the hallway, Woodman shows up, accuses the Sweathogs of pulling the alarm, and then starts doing unconstitutional locker searches.

“What is this?” Gabe asks, “Be Cruel To Sweathogs Day?”

“Every day is Be Cruel To Sweathogs Day,” Woodman replies.

Woodman discovers that Barbarino has a jacket with “Sweathogs” written on the back of it. OH MY GOD, THE SWEATHOGS ARE STARTING A GANG! And they actually are. (“I haven’t been invited to join,” Horshack says, which should be taken as proof positive that this gang is serious business.) Gabe warns them that wearing jackets and starting gangs is a good way to get hurt. On cue, Freddie shows up and says that another gang jumped him for invading their territory.

Later, back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he fears the Sweathogs are going to get into a “rumble.” Suddenly, Horshack shows up at the apartment, looking like a refugee from a John Waters movie. Gabe tells Horshack about how violent rumbles can get and asks Horshack if he’s prepared to be hit around like a hockey puck.

“I want to be a punk, not a puck!” Horshack announces. Uhmm….

Hanging around outside the school, Barbarino, Freddie, and Washington try remember how they were all initiated into their gang and it turns out that none of them were actually initiated. Barbarino states that, when he started the gang, he spent a week watching Gilligan’s Island to toughen himself up. Freddie explains that he became a member of the gang through Barbarino’s minority recruitment plan. Epstein, of course, has a note from Epstein’s Mom. Suddenly, Horshack shows up, prepared to be initiated into the gang.

Barbarino has no idea how to initiate Horshack but says that he’ll figure out how to do it “once I get my thoughts deranged.”

Suddenly, Gabe and Woodman show up, also wearing black leather jackets and looking to be initiated into the gang. Gabe explains that he brought Woodman because Woodman has the key to the nurse’s office, which they’ll need after the rumble.

The rival gang then shows up, demanding to know why the Sweathogs are looking for them. However, when they discover that both a teacher and the school’s vice principal are members of the Sweathog Gang, the rival gang leader announces that this school is too tough for them and they agree to negotiate a peace settlement between the two gangs.

Later, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Harry Kotter, who bought a suit that was too big for him.

This episode felt a bit off. Even by the standards of this show, the humor felt a bit overly broad and the Sweathogs’s naivety about what it meant to be in a gang never seemed credible. I mean, they essentially were a gang during the first season! If anything, the Sweathogs felt a bit neutered and too family-friendly in this episode. They were missing the edge that often elevated the episodes during the first season. That said, John Sylvester White had some good moments. It’s hard not to enjoy Mr. Woodman’s total disgust with the world and everyone in it.

Episode 2.4 “The Fight”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on October 21st, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie a joke about how his father always wanted him to date a girl just like his mother, which is something that I’m sure Julie appreciated hearing.

At school, Freddie is upset to learn that 1) Epstein gave Barbarino Freddie’s English homework to do and 2) Barbarino forgot to do it.

“Because of you, I’m going to get an F in English!” Freddie snaps at Barbarino.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Barbarino replies, “so am I.”

An argument breaks out between Freddie, Barbarino, and Epstein but Gabe breaks it up by ordering them into the classroom. For their Social Studies homework, all of the Sweathogs have been asked to either write about or bring in their most prized possession. Barbarino shows off his little black book. Freddie shows off his pet flea, Howard. (Unfortunately, Howard is killed when Freddie asks Horshack to give him five.) Epstein has a toy boat. Horshack starts to talk about how his ancestor, Popeye Horshack, discovered Coney Island and accidentally sits on the boat, destroying it. While Horshack tries to apologize, he accidentally mentions that he’s been doing Barbarino’s homework for Gabe’s class.

Frustrated, Gabe orders everyone to remain quiet while he steps outside and takes two aspirin.

However, as soon as Gabe leaves, Barbarino taunts Horshack and Epstein for being short and then complains that the entire class is short. Freddie stands up and says, “Hi there. I’m tall.” Epstein climbs a on top of Gabe’s desk and says that, “I’ve had it with Hi There!” Freddie replies that he’s sick of Horshack’s laugh. Horshack says that he’s tired of Epstein’s phony notes. Epstein then makes fun of Barbarino for being stupid.

“In your pants with a bag of ants!” Barbarino declares.

“In your pockets with red hot rockets,” Freddie counters.

Gabe re-enters the classroom and tells everyone to stop yelling. Gabe need not worry because the Sweathogs announce that they are never going to speak to each other again.

Later, at the apartment, Gabe struggles to eat Julie’s famous tuna casserole. “You think I like spending my entire life listening to your stupid jokes!?” Julie demands. Gabe replies that he has to tell jokes to cheer himself up after eating Julie’s food.

Suddenly, Barbarino shows up, panicking about how he’s going to get the Sweathogs to follow his orders if they won’t talk to him. Gabe says that he has to be a big enough person to say that he’s sorry and then Gabe apologizes to Julie. Gabe and Julie then attempt to have an honest conversation about their argument while Barbarino continually asks them what they have to eat at the apartment. Gabe suggests that Julie just not make tuna casserole anymore. Julie throws food at Gabe. Gabe throws food at Julie. Barbarino asks if they have any espresso and gets even more food tossed at him.

The next day, at school, Gabe asks Woodman to come into his class, apologize for something, and allow Gabe to forgive him so that the Sweathogs can learn an important lesson.

“I don’t do requests, Kotter,” Woodman replies, “Do I look like Wolfman Jack? …. I don’t have anything to apologize for.”

Gabe then suggests that Woodman could enter the class and Gabe could be the one who apologizes. That sounds good to Woodman. However, once they enter the classroom, Gabe apologizes for a prank he pulled ten years earlier and Woodman refuses to accept the apology. As Woodman leaves, Horshack asks Gabe to keep it down because “There are people trying to be angry in here.”

Barbarino, realizing that he’s responsible for fixing this problem, orders Horshack to apologize to Epstein. After Gabe tells them that their friendship should be their most prized possession, Epstein forgives Horshack. Barbarino apologizes for not doing Freddie’s homework and soon, everyone is hugging. Awwwww!

Later, at the apartment, Gabe is all alone because Julie is at her friend Candy’s place. Gabe calls Candy and asks to speak Julie. When Julie comes to the phone, Gabe says, “Julie, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Edna?” Julie hangs up on him.

This episode was a definite improvement on the previous one, with the emphasis being on the chemistry between the Sweathogs and their own hostile but ultimately affectionate interactions. If the Sweathogs seemed neutered when they tried to start a gang, they regained their edge just one episode later. So far, the best episodes of Welcome Back Kotter have been the ones where each member of the group gets a chance to shine and that’s certainly the case with this episode.

By the way, speaking as someone who can be a bit sensitive about her own cooking skills, I think Gabe is totally right about the tuna casserole. Seriously, there’s comes a time when you just have to admit that you’re never going to master the casserole.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 2.1 “Career Day” and 2.2 “Inherit the Halibut”

Posted on August 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, season 2 begins!

Episode 2.1 “Career Day”

(Dir by Bill Hobin, originally aired on September 23rd, 1976)

The 2nd season begins with Gabe telling Julie a joke about the time that his aunt went to a pet store and complained that the turtle she had bought had blisters on the bottom of its feet. Apparently, there was a kid who thought that the turtles were toy trucks. Julie gets angry over the punchline and storms out of …. the principal’s office? Why was Gabe telling Julie a joke in the principal’s office?

It’s career day at Buchanan High! A radio DJ comes by the class and talks about the joys of being on the radio. He tells Horshack that there’s no way that he could ever be a successful radio DJ. After the DJ leaves, Epstein points out that everyone they’ve seen for career day makes more money than their teacher. As if on cue, Mr. Woodman enters the room with a special guest …. hey, it’s Pat Morita!

Pat Morita explains that he is Taro Takahashi and that he is an inventor. Among his inventions is “transistorized underwear,” which the Sweathogs think is a crazy idea. Takahashi gets offended and leaves. Gabe and the Sweathogs follow Takahashi to Woodman’s office.

“My class has something to say to Mr. Takahashi,” Gabe says.

“What?” Barbarino asks.

Eventually, all of the Sweathogs realize that Gabe expects them to apologize and, somewhat reluctantly, they do so. Epstein apologizes for not being a good student but he points out that teachers don’t make much money. Takahashi asks how much money teachers make. Woodman whispers the amount to Takahashi. Takahashi whispers it to the Sweathogs. Everyone has a good laugh, except for Gabe.

Takahashi is impressed by Gabe’s determination and offers him a job in Chicago and offers to pay him twice his current salary.

“I don’t think you understand how dedicated Mr. Kotter is to his students.” Horshack says.

“SHUT UP, HORSHACK!” Gabe replies.

Mr. Woodman announces that he’ll take the job and work for less than Kotter.

Takahashi says that he’ll be in New York for a week and he will be awaiting Gabe’s answer.

Gabe goes back to his apartment and tells Julie about the job. Julie tells Gabe that he should take the job so that they can get a two-room apartment and a second pair of shoes. She makes a good argument. Takahashi then shows up at the apartment, looking for an answer. And then Woodman shows up, wearing a kimono and still trying to get Takahashi to hire him. “I could learn to love raw fish!” Somewhat disturbingly Takahashi says that the biggest mistake he ever made was picking up a hitchhiker who looked a lot like Woodman.

The next day, Takahashi accompanies Gabe to school. At the classroom, the Sweathogs dress up in white karate outfits, bang a gong, and speak in exaggerated accents that I think are meant to sound Japanese and …. uhm, yeah, this episode is getting REALLY cringey.

Fortunately, Takahashi then spends about two minutes calling out everyone on the show for being insensitive, stupid, and crazy and Pat Morita totally kills it, perfectly capturing Takahashi’s growing annoyance with Buchanan High’s students and staff. (If you watch the scene carefully, you can catch both Gabe Kaplan and John Sylvester White breaking character and laughing in the background.) Takahashi’s Horshack imitation is peerless.

Gabe gives a speech about how much he enjoys being a teacher and why he could never give up his current job. Takahashi respects his decision and leaves so that Pat Morita can star in a short-lived spinoff called Mr. T and Tina. However, Takashi does return briefly at the end of the episode so Gabe can tell him about “Uncle Max and his friend” who used to enjoy discussing global politics as their local Chinese restaurant.

This episode suffered because it was obviously a pilot for another show. It felt off because the Sweathogs were largely sidelined by Mr. Takahashi. That said, Pat Morita was funny and Mr. Woodman’s gradual descent into madness continued to be entertaining to watch. It wasn’t an ideal season opener and a lot of the humor hasn’t aged well but, as is so often with this show, the chemistry of the cast turned out to be the episode’s saving grace.

Episode 2.2 “Inherit The Halibut”

(Dir by Bill Hobin, originally aired on September 30th, 1976)

Gabe asks Julie if he’s ever told her about his Aunt Esther “who was a matron in a movie house.” Julie politely listens as Gabe tells the story of a moviegoer who fell from the balcony to the floor.

At school, the Sweathogs check the big plastic halibut in which class treasurer Freddie has been keeping the class fund and they are shocked to discover that the halibut is empty! Everyone accuses Freddie of taking the money.

“You’re calling me a thief!?” Freddie says.

“No,” Horshack says, “an embezzler.”

It’s mock trail time! Gabe agrees to act as Freddie’s defense attorney. Horshack puts on a suit and plays prosecutor. Epstein serves as bailiff. Barbarino throws on a bathrobe and serves as the judge. The other Sweathogs are the jury.

Speaking in a bad Southern accent and carrying a paper fan, Gabe announces that “when you walk through the pasture of evidence, you’re bound to step in some facts.”

Horshack calls a witness who reveals that Washington bought a new bicycle at a police auction. He paid eight dollars, the same amount as what was in the halibut. Gabe points out that no one asked Washington from where he got the eight dollars. Mr. Woodman is sworn in as a surprise witness and says Washington did it.

“Objection!” shouts Gabe, “This witness is hostile!”

“Thank you, Kotter,” Woodman replies, “I’m glad we’re starting to communicate.”

Woodman goes on to reveal that he saw Washington counting money outside of the school. (“I checked my wallet,” Woodman says.) Gabe claims that Woodman is too bitter to be a credible witness. Woodman announces that Gabe’s students will be spending a lot of time in the court in the future and runs out of the room, laughing maniacally.

Gabe only has one witness. He calls Freddie to stand and asks him if he took the money. Freddie refuses to answer questions from either Gabe or Horshack. While Horshack dramatically asks his questions, he accidentally breaks open the halibut and several coins and dollars fall out of it.

“There’s a lot more than eight dollars here!” Gabe declares. In fact, there’s $32 in the fish!

Horshack suggests a plea bargain — “Let’s pardon Washington and split the money 50/50.”

Instead, Gabe calls Horshack to the stand. Horshack says that he’ll never snap before admitting to putting $8 in the fish to try to clear Freddie’s name. Epstein is called to the stand and admits that he also put $8 in the fish. Barbarino, as judge, then interrogates himself and bullies himself into admitting that he contributed $8 of his own to the fish. The other Sweathogs then announce that they also put $8 in the fish.

Gabe says that they still need to determine whether Freddie stole the money. The jury takes a second to convict Freddie. Freddie finally reveals that he did take the $8 but just so he could put it in the bank. Freddie reveals that he kept quiet because he was offended at everyone assuming that he stole the money. Still, Freddie realizes how the money’s disappearance looked to the class, so he forgives everyone and takes the $32 to the bank.

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie to guess what he’s hiding in his hands.

Gabe explains that he’s hiding an elephant and Julie smacks him.

I liked this episode, largely because it gave Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, who felt a bit underused during the first season, a chance to take center stage. I also respected Freddie’s refusal to answer a question that he shouldn’t have been asked in the first place. Good for you, Freddie!