Film Review: The Magic of the Golden Bear: Goldy III (1994, dir. John Quinn)

Posted on July 17, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Remember when you were a kid and you didn’t have anything else to do so you started flipping through the channels on the TV? You came across a movie that wasn’t necessarily good, but you stopped and watched it anyways. You didn’t have anything else to do. Then you moved on with your life and grew up. Something happens and you remember that movie but can’t for the life of you think of title. So you begin digging around trying to find it. If you’re lucky, you do. An example of that kind of movie for me is Tommy Tricker and the Stamp Traveller (1988). This is one of those movies. A humble movie. I never saw it as a kid, but I think I would remember it. I became aware of it because it showed up on Netflix and said it has Cheech Marin, Mr. T, and a bear. How was I going to resist that?

The movie begins in an Old West town with Jessie (Bonnie Morgan) and her pet bear Goldy. I am no expert on bears, but it puzzles me why they keep referring to it as the last Golden Bear. Well, this bear likes to pay visits to the schoolhouse to get suckers from Jessie, plays dress up, and sometimes goes for a bike ride. No joke. Just look!

It’s that scene that would make this film stick somewhere in your memory if you saw it as a child. With that little bit of comedy to open the film, we are introduced to our characters and situation that needs resolving. There is a man who lives in the wilderness simply referred to as the “ghost man”. Take a wild guess who that is.

Ghost Man (Mr. T)

There are also Borgia (Cheech Marin) and Hugo (Danny Woodburn) who are magician and magician’s assistant respectively. Borgia isn’t doing so good magically and thinks if he can get his hands on the last Golden Bear that things will get better. He’s also a Jedi.

Jedi Mind Trick

Throw in some rednecks and a shooting contest that must be won to save the house and you have Goldy III. Eventually all these people come together and the real problem emerges. The ghost man, who turns out to be named Freedom, realized it from the moment he met Goldy. Goldy ran away scared from him. It’s understandable that a little girl would, but a bear? That shouldn’t happen and Freedom knows it. Goldy has become too human and forgotten how to be a bear. I mean Goldy even takes his punishment for riding the bike by sitting in a corner with a dunce cap on.

Eventually Jessie runs away with Goldy to protect her when the possibility of her being sold arises. She finally gets to be properly introduced to Freedom and he explains why Goldy needs to be set free. After awhile the rest of the folks catch up with them. At this point, Borgia knows he’s been doing bad things and wants to make things right. How? Well, remember he’s a Jedi!

Into The Wild For Goldy

I can’t tell you how this fits in with the previous films because I haven’t seen them. Note, I said films, not the first two movies. That’s because according to IMDb there are two Goldy III movies. I don’t know how that works. Trevor Black is the creator and director of the first two movies and seems to have made a third too. This was then made several years later also as Goldy III. Maybe it’s a remake, but I don’t know. It’s definitely safe for a kid, but this really is the kind of movie they should stumble upon their own. I wouldn’t bring it to them.

Benny’s From Heaven: Jack Benny in THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT (1945)

Posted on July 15, 2015 by gary loggins

Jack Benny claimed 1945’s THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT killed his movie career. After rewatching it, I can’t understand why. This comedy/fantasy is just as good as any Bob Hope or Red Skelton film of the era. Yet the critics of the time savaged it, and Benny spent the rest of his life cracking jokes about what a turkey the movie was. I disagree, and think THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT deserves a second look.

Jack plays Athanael, a third rate trumpeter playing third trumpet for a radio show sponsored by Paradise Coffee (“the coffee that makes you sleep”). Lulled to sleep himself by the dulcet tones of the show’s announcer, Athanael dreams he’s playing his trumpet in a heavenly orchestra. Beautiful harpist Elizabeth (Alexis Smith) recommends him to the chief angel (Guy Kibbee) for an important mission. It seems Earth has been acting up, with “persecution and hatred everywhere”, and The Big Boss (aka God) has decided to eliminate it. Athanael is sent to play “the first four notes of the Judgment Day Overture” precisely at midnight and signal the end of the world.

Our hero lands at a swank hotel, where he’s spotted by two fallen angels (Allyn Joslyn, John Alexander) who’re comfy with their corrupt lives. Athanael saves a desperate cigarette girl (Dolores Moran) from suicide and misses his chance to blow at midnight. He loses the trumpet when he can’t pay for a meal and Elizabeth is sent to straighten out the mess. The fallen angels conspire with a slick thief (Reginald Gardner) to steal the horn. A merry mix-up ends with everyone hanging from the hotel’s rooftop scrambling for the horn.

I won’t spoil the ending, but suffice it to say Athanael wakes from his dream to deliver the punchline. There are lots of historical and heavenly puns (seeing people jitterbugging on the dance floor, Athanael exclaims “I must tell St. Vitus about this”)and plenty of silly sight gags. The score by Franz Waxman adds to the fun, aided by music cues you’ll surely recognize from Warner Brothers’ Looney Tunes (an uncredited assist from cartoon maestro Carl Stalling).

The cast is loaded with comic actors like Franklin Pangborn, Margaret Dumont, ex-wrestler Mike Mazurki, and Hollywood’s favorite souse Jack Norton. And then there’s Jack. He’s perfect in the role, and his impeccable timing, comic delivery, and that unmistakable mincing walk are on full display. Director Raoul Walsh was better known for his tough, manly films (THE ROARING 20’S, HIGH SIERRA, WHITE HEAT), but handles the comedy with a sure hand.

While THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT is no classic, it’s not as bad as you may have heard. It’s certainly not as bad as Jack Benny made it out to be all those years. He certainly got some mileage out of making fun of it, though. Watch and judge for yourself. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. Then again, I’m a huge Jack Benny fan, in case you haven’t guessed, so I may be a little biased.

Supermen dönüyor/The Return Of Superman (1979, dir. Kunt Tulgar)

Posted on July 15, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Seeing as so many franchises are being continued this year and the next, I thought it would be fun to look at some of the knockoff and parodies of these films. I already covered Lady Terminator. While that was from Indonesia with American actors, this is from that glorious land of Hollywood blockbuster ripoffs: Turkey. People probably just refer to this as Turkish Superman and that’s fine because it came out the very next year after the Christopher Reeve film. However, I’ve done some poking around and I think I’ve found five other Turkish films with Superman or just the Flying Man. I believe I even found one that combines Superman and Batman into a single superhero. I hope I can find subtitles for that one.

By the way, see how Superman stands like he’s a living wall. Get used to it because you will see it a lot. He will frequently just stand there, take it, then quickly dispose of whoever has decided to waste their time trying to bring him down.

This Turkish Superman begins with Christmas ornaments against a black background. It’s supposed to be space, but they’re Christmas ornaments. Just look at them.

Superman comes from a Christmas ornament.

One of these ornaments is Krypton. It’s destroyed when “gasses that mixed suddenly caused explosions and wiped it out of the Universe.” Superman is sent away to make his way to Earth. Then Tayfun comes home to his family. In this one Clark Kent is a man named Tayfun. In short order, his family tells him how they found him and give him a green stone. He says he kind of already knew because this Superman is psychic. He types using telekinesis, but that’s later on. Now Superman sets off to follow where the stone leads him. It leads him into some Turkish caves that almost look like abandoned mines. Then a far cry from Marlon Brando appears to tell Superman he is his son.

Brando?

Yeah, he does also say he is Superman. I don’t think it’s the subtitles because he then goes on to talk about being from a race of Supermen. Don’t get me wrong, there are some issues with the subtitles. Tayfun smells his Mom’s food, says it’s great, then says I feel like starving. Papa Superman then lays out just how “strong, mighty, and virtuous” Superman is. Here it goes:

“The genious of King Solomon.
Hercules’ might…
Atlas patience…
Zeus’ health…
Achilles’ courage…
Mercury’s speed.”

These are your qualities says Papa Superman. What happened to faster than a speeding bullet and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? Well, he can fly and he’s at least as fast as a speeding boat.

Thought it looked fake when Christopher Reeve flew? Look again. Now come the Lex Luthors. That’s right, there are two of them who work together. One is the main man and the other is his second. In this Superman the destruction of Krypton is known about and the Luthors want to turn Kryptonite into a weapon that can be fired at things to make them gold. (Full confession, it’s been many years since I watched the Reeve Superman.) Lois Lane…I mean Alev has a father who has some formulas that he needs. It’s a flimsy excuse to put her in danger so Superman has a reason to kick some butt. They try and kidnap her, so this happens.

Superman springs into action

I gotta admit, even though this is a Turkish knockoff, I was still excited to see that happen. I mean the bad guy told Alev “we’ll incubate you honey.” That’s just going too far and we need Superman to fly past bridges, factories, and buildings before showing up on the scene to save her. They drove her car into the back of a truck that they then send off to crash on it’s own on a mountain road. Superman shows up, sees it, and leaps into action literally. You might expect that he would just fly up to it and stop it with his bare hands, but no. He’s a practical Superman. He lands on the roof, gets into the driver’s side, and stops it.

The rest of the movie is just a series of the bad guys talk, Alev is put in danger, and Superman rescues her until he finally stops the Luthors altogether. With that in mind, let’s just look at a few of the highlights.

Superman is a perv

He can catch bullets

Knife to the back? No problem!

Superman laughs at threats to “bisect” him

A test of strength

I could go on with more great shots, but let’s wind down. I have to mention the music. The Superman theme is used several times, but there’s something you wouldn’t expect. How about some music from James Bond movies. No joke. You’ll recognize them immediately.

At this point, I am sure you have three big questions on your mind:

Q. Does Superman hit anyone so hard they fly into the air?
A. Yes, he flies right up in the air and grabs onto a tree branch.

Q. Once the bad guys get the info they need to create their weapon that turns things into gold, then do they try it on a cat?
A. Yes, but the cat walks off target and they miss.

Q. Since we know the Turks do the greatest death scene faces, is there a comparable one here?
A. Yes!

Almost looks like you caught him doing something naughty, but actually Superman just hit him and he’s going down.

Superman does get briefly stopped by the Kryptonite, but it’s ultimately just an excuse so Tayfun can reveal to Alev that he is Superman. Superman catches up with Luthor #1 and lifts the back of his car like Schwarzenegger in Twins. Then he squares off with him in a scene that reminded me of the final standoff in Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins. Except Superman doesn’t dodge any bullets. He simply grabs his arm, takes the gun, crushes the gun, and turns him over to the authorities. They all want Superman to stay, but apparently he must leave to “search for my country Krypton which disappeared seven light years ago.” There’s so much wrong with that sentence.

I liked it! I was a little disappointed that they didn’t take more liberties with the character. I want to see something akin to Darth Vader turning into a scorpion in Star Wars on the Famicom. The question is whether it is worth your time? I think that’s an especially important question when it comes to these kinds of movies. It’s not as good as Lady Terminator, which is definitely worth seeing. This is camp, cheese, and low budget. However, since it is Superman, there is something special about seeing him in something so familiar and yet different. It’s only a little over an hour so it won’t take up too much time. Check it out.

The look on my face when I discovered there are things like a Mexican Batwoman, Filipino Batman, and Turkish Batman.

Note: I would have loved if the upcoming Superman movies had a cameo appearance from the Turkish Superman, but unfortunately he is dead. In fact, he died one year before Reeve passed away. Also, I am well aware of the unfortunate first name of the director and the last name of the actress who plays Superman’s Mom: Kunt and Çokseker.

Val’s Movie Roundup #2: Hallmark Edition

Posted on July 14, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Signed, Sealed, Delivered: From Paris With Love (2015) – Despite what people say elsewhere online, you can’t come into this film without having seen any of the other Signed, Sealed, Delivered TV Movies/Episodes. I know this because I tried and it doesn’t work. The movie is about four people (conveniently picked so we know that they should pair off) who get dead letters and track down who should have received them. Sounds like it should be a procedural, but it’s not. This series seems to set up a tiny little bit of a plot, then spends the whole time having the characters develop through conversation. The reason this film will lose people who are brand new is because it reaches all the way back through everything to the first episode of the show to bring Oliver’s (Eric Mabius) wife into his life again. The wife is played by Poppy Montgomery in a role far better than in Tammy and the T-Rex. Yeah, I’m going to work that movie into as many reviews as possible. There are also flashbacks. You really need to come to this as the culmination of all the previous stuff. As a result, my experience with this film was not good. It felt inert. Kind of like passing away slowly, but painlessly. I know that sounds brutal, but I can’t think of a better way to describe it.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered for Christmas (2014) – This Signed, Sealed, Delivered is a different beast. It’s still the same characters and once again a dead letter has shown up. This time it’s a letter for God. You’d think it’s for Santa considering Christmas is in the title, but this is less a Christmas movie as it is a Christian movie. Unlike From Paris With Love, you can come into this without knowing anything. That’s a real plus! Again, it’s not about plot, but character development. And subtle slow development at that. I wonder how long Hallmark is planning to keep this show going. It can feel like being teased at times. Like near the end when Norman (Geoff Gustafson) reaches up to gently touch Rita’s (Crystal Lowe) face. You know she should just grab him in her arms, but it never happens. Instead, he walks away while she is lit up like a Christmas tree. If you have to choose between the two TV Movie episodes of this show to start with, then please start with this one. You’ll have a far better time, and most likely will enjoy From Paris With Love much more than I did.

Surprised By Love (2015) – When the cake gets destroyed, just make a new one from Twinkies! There’s nothing really to be surprised about here. You have a driven girl with the wrong guy. You have one of those guys who achieved some sort of nirvana by wandering from place to place. He’s kind of like the magic negro or magic eccentric type character that turns around other people’s lives simply by coming in contact with them. And finally, you have her boyfriend who is stuffy and clearly doesn’t belong with her. Our heroine runs into the magic man who is selling driftwood. Yeah, and his car runs on vegetable oil. I’m not making that up. What happens is that her boyfriend thinks it will be really clever if she brings home the magic man, whom she knows from high school, to be an embarrassment so he looks wonderful. Guess what happens? At least the grandpa who pretends to have dementia so he doesn’t have to talk to anybody is kind of funny. This one’s harmless.

Nearlyweds (2013) – Yeah, that’s easily the best scene in the movie. A phone call comes in with a job offer and while the person is leaving a message, the dog pees on the phone and it shorts out. But let me back up. This movie is about three girlfriends who all got married around the same time by the same guy. Problem though, he dies before he can sign the paperwork. That means, technically, legally, they’re not actually married. Typical, but could be humorous. Except it’s not. One of the big problems is that the husbands don’t find out about this until 48 minutes into the movie. At that point there are 39 minutes left. I don’t know why it takes so long. Everything prior seems like filler, then the secret is out, and still next to nothing happens. I know it’s Hallmark and a TV Movie in general, but they really should have done more with this. It’s not a concept that’s necessarily doomed from the start. Too bad.

Beach Blanket Bummers: SURF PARTY and WILD ON THE BEACH

Posted on July 13, 2015 by gary loggins

American International Pictures created a whole new film genre with the release of BEACH PARTY (1964). The formula was simple: take a group of attractive youngsters and put them on a beach with plenty of sand, surfing, and singing. Add in some romance and comedy. Sprinkle with veteran character actors and the latest pop idols and voila! Hollywood took notice of AIP’s success and studios big and small grabbed their surfboards trying to ride the box-office waves. 20th Century Fox was the first to jump on the hodad-wagon with SURF PARTY (1964), followed quickly by WILD ON THE BEACH (1965).

SURF PARTY begins with beautiful coeds Terry, Sylvia, and Junior arriving from Arizona to the California coast for some summertime fun. Terry (Patricia Morrow of PEYTON PLACE fame) has a brother named Skeet who heads a local gang of surfers called The Lodge. The girls meet surfing instructor Len (pop crooner Bobby Vinton) who gives them lessons and falls for Terry. Lodge wannabe Milo tries to run the pier, despite warnings from police Sgt. Neal (Richard Crane, TV’s ROCKY JONES SPACE RANGER). Neal threatens to close the beach to surfers if these dangerous antics continue. Milo busts his shoulder crashing into a pylon, but sympathetic Junior (singer Jackie DeShannon) sticks by his side. The gang hangs out at Casey’s Surfer, where bands The Routers and The Astronauts play Ventures rip-offs. Sylvia (Lory Patrick, best known as Disney star Dean Jones’s wife) has eyes for Skeet. He throws a party which ends up in a fight between him and Len. Skeet eventually gets his comeuppance, and the girls go back to Arizona supposedly older but wiser.

The problem with SURF PARTY is the film takes itself waaay too seriously. It plays like a throwback to the old 50s hot rod movies, with surfing replacing cars. The black and white cinematography doesn’t do much for the California background, but the music’s okay, with Vinton in especially fine voice on “If I Were An Artist”.

While SURF PARTY strives to be dramatic, WILD ON THE BEACH thinks it’s funny. It’s not. To call the humor ‘strained’ is like saying Andre the Giant was kinda tall. Also photographed in black and white, this one focuses on the antics of Adam (minor singer Frankie Randall) and his pals when they’re forced to share a beach house with Lee (Sherry Jackson of MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY) and her friends because of a housing shortage in their seaside college town. Dean Parker is suspicious of “‘hanky-panky” going on at the house and sends his bumbling assistant Terwilliger to investigate. Living next door is record producer Shep Kirby (character actor Russ Bender, who even sings a country ditty called “Yellow Haired Woman”). When Shep hears a recording of The Astronauts (yep, they’re back), he’s eager to sign them up. Then the dean and his sidekick pull an early morning raid and catch the coeds cohabitating. Expulsions are threatened, but Shep saves the kids by offering his pad to the guys, and the girls can stay at the beach house. Everybody’s happy and dance away to The Astronauts tune “Little Speedy Gonzales”.

The only thing notable about this turkey is the screen debut of Sonny & Cher singing “It’s Gonna Rain”. Otherwise WILD ON THE BEACH is completely forgettable. Both films were directed by Maury Dexter, a low-budget hack whose only interesting movie was THE MINI-SKIRT MOB, about a gang of female biker on the loose. The two flicks have all the trappings of the AIP beach epics, but none of the charm. Where’s Frankie and Annette when we need them? Not to mention the great Eric Von Zipper!!!

Film Review: Show Off! How To Be Cool At Parties (1986, dir. Jim Hirshfeld)

Posted on July 13, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

“It’s like drinking broken glass out of a cup made of razor blades.” – Jeff

It’s not that bad, but it’s pretty awful! It really should have been called Dumbass! How To Be The Laughing Stock Of Humanity. This is a children’s instructional video from 1986 hosted by Cosby Show’s Malcolm-Jamal Warner.

Just push that title out of the way Warner. That dog with the sunglasses is so 80’s!

It’s a video on how to do stupid tricks. How stupid? This stupid.

Never knew how to walk down pretend stairs before? That’s how!

T-Shirt Sheik! You’d be offended, but the camel goes by and you can’t stop laughing.

Levitating! This is possibly the dumbest trick in the whole movie.

You can learn how to beatbox, pretend like a dog is trying to pull you from behind a door, sound like a bicycle horn, play air piano, etc. You just have to see this to believe it. Maybe Mel Gorham here will do it more justice then I ever could.

Mel Gorham

I can’t wait to check out some more of these instructional videos. Apparently, there’s one for law enforcement on recognizing satanic cults.

Thank you, Patti Kaplan!

Film Review: Tammy and the T-Rex (1994, dir. Stewart Raffill)

Posted on July 13, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

You read the name and you know it sucks. Then that title screen pops up. Oh, my God! It looks like a 2nd grader made that, but it’s oh so perfect. You know why? Because this movie is as childish as that screen implies. The only thing wrong with it is that the title is too short. It should have been called Tammy, the T-Rex, and the African Queen. No, not because it has anything to do with the Hepburn movie, but because of this.

This!

It’s two for the price of one! Not only do we get a gay stereotype, but one that is also a black stereotype. But what do you expect? The movie is made by the same guy who directed Mannequin: On The Move, which had a similar character. He also wrote and directed Mac and Me. The character’s name is Byron (Theo Forsett). So, what happens in this movie when Byron isn’t passing out or someone is saying not to bend over near him?

Testicular Standoff

I’m not making that up! One of the two cops who shows up actually calls it that. Those are two high school guys trying to crush each other’s genitals with their bare hands. Wanna know something else? That’s Paul Walker on the right. Yep, that Paul Walker. Need it to be even dumber, since the fact that this carries on for several minutes isn’t enough. It turns out Walker, I mean Michael, is faking it because he’s actually wearing a cup. If you can’t tell whether you are holding male genitals or a piece of plastic then you are in real trouble. Why are they doing this? Well, of course for the heart of Denise Richards who plays Tammy! It’s everyone’s dream to have two men fight over them this way. Oh, and that shot of Byron above is from this scene. He seems to be turned on by it. Oh, this movie. Now comes the T-Rex.

I know this is a lousy VHS print of the movie, but I can’t imagine how much worse this must look in HD. The plot goes like this. Michael shows up at Tammy’s place for a little action. Poppy Montgomery, in clearly her finest performance, sees Michael climbing up to Tammy’s room and calls in the other guy who fought with Michael earlier at school. Just as Tammy is finally gonna get a little something, in comes the bad guy with his friends in a scene reminiscent of A Clockwork Orange. They take Michael away to the Wild Animal Park. They couldn’t come up with a better name. Michael is left to get mauled by a lion. What happens next is right up there with the vagina snake scene at the beginning of Lady Terminator.

A mad scientist and his girl show up at the hospital, pretend Michael is dead, then steal his body out from under the nose of Tammy, Byron, both of which pass out on the floor, and the one member of Michael’s family who also happens to drink like a fish. Then they cut open Michael’s head and put his brain into a T-Rex. Yep, that’s how it happens. What follows is Michael the T-Rex seeking revenge on all the people who have wronged him.

The Got Milk? Guy

The funniest death is easily when the guy from the original Got Milk? commercial gets killed after peeing on the T-Rex. Oh, and Michael the T-Rex also makes a phone call.

He actually tries to leave a message for Tammy!

What follows are stupid deaths, stupid gay jokes, and one of the fakest things I have seen in a long time. Feast your eyes!

This will move you to tears.

The ending is so absurd that I won’t even…who am I kidding? No one is going to seek this out. It ends like this.

An American Werewolf In London death

Denise Richards does a sexy dance

And Paul Walker’s brain sparks with excitement.

After unsuccessfully trying to find Michael’s body, they simple put his brain in Tammy’s room, attach it to a camera, and she dances for him. It’s amazing these movies exist. I don’t know how we made it out of the 1990’s. There’s an Italian R-rated version of this movie with a few deleted scenes. I watched them. Let’s end this review with one of them.

Like a compass

Val’s Movie Roundup #1

Posted on July 11, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I wanted to write about two gems today, but I don’t feel well. Today is as good a day as any to start this series of posts. I watch a lot of movies and I just can’t write full posts about each and every one. Instead, I am going to do little roundups like this from time to time. Here we go.

The Skateboard Kid (1993) – When I was a kid, a piece of wood on wheels could make you cool. Studios knew this, so many stupid skateboarding movies were made. This was one of them. But this one has a twist. Ready for this? The skateboard talks! And it flies! To make matters worse, Dom DeLuise voices the skateboard. Stay away! Watch the Francis movies instead.

The Skateboard Kid II (1995) – What do you do when a bad movie about a talking flying skateboard comes out? Make a sequel of course! But this one has two things different about it. One, the skateboard becomes possessed by Turhan Bey. Don’t recognize the name? He actually dated Lana Turner back in the day. Also, the movie was executively produced by Jim Wynorski. He made Chopping Mall back in the 80’s and the softcore porn film Sexually Bugged! in 2014. Haven’t seen the first one yet, but the second one stinks to high heaven. No wonder he directed it under the name Sam Pepperman. This Skateboard Kid is actually better than the first if you can believe that.

Time Barbarians (1990) – The movie starts in olden times. There’s a stupid warrior, a stupid amulet, stupid bad guys, and it takes an hour or so for all three to wind up in Los Angeles. It’s like waiting for Godzilla to appear in the 2014 version. Once they get there it gets as dumb as you think. He not only can block bullets with his sword, but bullets fired from an automatic weapon. That’s some fine work! Can you believe this actually came out before The Beastmaster did the same thing with it’s sequel?

Howard The Duck (1986) – Yeah, I finally watched this movie. I don’t know why it has the reputation it does. Maybe people were not familiar with what a bad movie truly was at the time or they made the mistake of worshipping a director. I’m leaning more towards the second since you see people spend years trying to find ways to defend bad movies made by otherwise good directors. It’s not good, but it’s stupid campy fun. Harmless. The major issue with the film is that they tried to make it like E.T. in that it’s almost all about getting Howard back home. I think audiences would have preferred more of the wisecracking fun and much less of the child friendly material. Still, I enjoyed it more than Iron Man 2 & 3 so it’s a better Marvel movie than those and they have received praise.

Film Review: Lady Terminator (1989, dir. H. Tjut Djalil as Jalil Jackson)

Posted on July 10, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Lady Terminator (Barbara Anne Constable)

It’s all here. She hunts down and kills innocent people on her way to her target. She rams a car into a police station in order to get to her target. She drives after the protector and her target while having a shootout. She appears as the Lady Terminator naked. She takes two guys to the back of a car where a snake comes out of her vagina and bites off their dicks, killing them so she can take their clothes.

What? Arnold didn’t bite off any dicks? Well, that’s because this isn’t The Terminator. This is Lady Terminator. Here, if a dick isn’t shot off, then it’s bit off by what we will refer to as the vagina snake.

The movie begins in the past where an evil queen takes a man to bed and kills him during sex. Then another man is brought in, but this time it goes differently. She gets into position, a snake slithers out of her vagina, he grabs it, it turns into a knife, and she’s banished. By banished, I mean she swears she’ll have her vengeance on his great-granddaughter in 100 years, appears outside on the beach, and walks into the ocean to join forces with evil. Isn’t that one of the most absurd openings to a movie you’ve ever heard of?

We jump to the future and meet Tania. She’s not a lady, she’s an anthropology student, as she reminds the sea captain. You see, she’s going to investigate the legend of the South Sea Queen. The lady who liked biting off dicks. She visits a library to have an encounter with a ridiculous character who knows exactly what she’s talking about, warns her, but gives her what she’s looking for anyways. You know, standard stuff.

She gets a boat, goes underwater, winds up on a bed, and the snake goes up her vagina. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? At this point I think we need to stop and notice that we have learned an important lesson. Fifty Shades Of Grey taught us that if you are a female English major then you’ll end up negotiating the use of butt plugs. But Lady Terminator teaches us that if you are a female Anthropology major then a snake will go up your vagina and turn you into a killing machine. Maybe major in Computer Science instead. Just saying.

See, I wasn’t kidding. That’s why we call it the vagina snake.

Anyway, once the we really were inspired by the legend of the South Sea Queen and not The Terminator portion is over, the fun begins. And by fun, I mean almost a scene for scene copy of The Terminator, but with some differences to keep it exciting while doing those scenes well.

Emerging From The Water Naked

Lady Terminator Vision

Shootout In A Club. Complete with getting shot to the ground, then popping back up.

The Car Chase

Crashing The Car Into The Police Station

Cutting Out The Eyeball

They even have somebody say Arnold’s name and the Kyle Reese character says, “Come with me if you want to live”. They also have the love scene together. I wish there was more to say, but telling you every added element would be spoiling it.

With all that out of the way. The question is whether this is worth seeing. You see the title. You know it’s a ripoff. You think of the Turks. You wonder is it worth your time.

Hell, yeah! It’s a lot of fun. It’s not as good as the real thing, but they did a damn fine job. I just wish they had made more of these movies with Barbara Anne Constable: Lady Rambo, Lady Die Hard, Lady Under Siege. Considering there is a new, legitimate, Terminator movie out, then this is a perfect way to take a trip back to the original, but with a fun twist.

Carry A Big Gun

Film Review: Battling Amazons (1987) (dir. Steve Antoniou)

Posted on July 7, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

“Where’s Mercury? Mercury, it’s God. Listen, I need you to take a message to Odin and Zeus. And don’t forget Moses. Tell the boys to send their strongest, ablest, most beautiful women to Earth to punch it out. I wanna see some real knockouts. Tell ’em to call it: Battling Amazons. Do it!”

Thus begins one of dumbest and greatest things ever made. You might be asking yourself: Why Moses? Well, Delilah of course! We all know what she did to Victor Mature’s hair so she clearly can handle herself in the ring. So, the call goes out and numerous women are sent to battle.

Thesbian, The Viking Queen

Peelar, The Tiger Woman

Athena

Wanda, The Iron Mistress

Sandra, The Prophet

Lazar, The Woman Of The Future

Delilah

Deidra, The Brazilian Bombshell

We are then introduced to Georgia and Peter Willis who are two of the three people who guide us through the fights. I would be shocked if their lines were written in advance because it really sounds like they are improvising. Especially Peter. Sometimes it’s like he can’t think of something to say.

At first glance this looks like something exploitative, but it’s not really. You want that, then the movie called Trashy Ladies Wrestling that they advertise at the end of the copy I watched is for you. This is pure parody. The ladies get out there and lay it on as thick as possible. Even Holly the “round girl” comes out and does her best impersonation of those girls who are only there for eye candy.

But just as professional wrestling doesn’t all take place in the ring, neither does Amazon boxing. As the ladies arrive, Dan Dugen interviews them. They come up to him and act all tough to a remarkably small audience waiting for them. The best part of these interviews is the size of the guy doing them. The only people this guy is bigger than are Peter Dinklage and the lead singer of The Outfield. It really adds to the impression that these ladies are sent by the Gods. They tower over him.

The other people who are of note are Issie, the manager of Delilah, and Wanda, The Iron Mistress.

Issie

Wanda is one of the last of the ladies to show up, but they cut several times to show that she is on her way. My favorite is when they show her running across some grass next to a parking lot. There’s a trash can in her way and she just knocks it out of her way while holding some weapon in her hand. Other times she just runs like a mad woman holding something. These parts always had me laughing.

Wanda is on her way!

In wrestling backstage drama is all part of the experience and that is brought to Amazon boxing as well. During the battle between Thesbian and Delilah, Issie plays a horn. It distracts Thesbian and causes Delilah to win the fight. Then comes the controversy that takes us into a flashback where we see that Delilah told Issie to sneak into Delilah’s training area to find her weakness. After realizing that the brush in her bag will do him no good, he finds the horn.

Finding The Horn

As for the fighting itself. It’s pretty ridiculous, but they actually appear to be fighting. It’s not like the kind of thing where you’d expect every move, punch, or grab to be of a sexual nature. It’s just weak sauce moves. Still, it’s fun to watch.

I just can’t do this thing justice with words or a few screenshots. It must be seen. It’s only an hour long and it’s on YouTube at the time of writing this. Otherwise, it’s available through Amazon on VHS. Check it out!