Film Review: Detective Knight: Independence (dir by Edward Drake)


The Detective Knight trilogy comes to a close with Detective Knight: Independence.

If you haven’t been keeping up with the wonderfully pulpy adventures of Detective James Knight, here’s a quick refresher of what happened last year.  First off, in Detective Knight: Rogue, Detective Knight (Bruce Willis) sought vengeance after his partner, Fitz (Lochlyn Munro), was seriously wounded during a robbery.  Fitz recovered but not before Knight has dispensed some vigilante justice of his own.  The surviving bad guys went to prison but sadly, so did Detective Knight.

Fortunately, Detective Knight was released from prison in Detective Knight: Redemption.  He was released because a cult of people who dressed up like Santa Claus and who chanted, “Ho!  Ho!  Ho!” while committing their crimes were terrifying the city.  With the help of Detective Knight, the police were able to stop the Santa Cult.

In Detective Knight: Independence, Knight is once again on the police force.  He and Fitz are still quick to shoot first and ask questions later.  That said, Knight is trying to make amends with his estranged wife and spend more time with his daughter.  That’s not going to be easy, though, because there’s a new threat in town …. just in time for the 4th of July!

Dezi (Jack Kilmer) is an EMT who has always dreamt of being a cop.  Unfortunately, he’s never been able to qualify for the force.  Even when he shows up at a cop bar and just tries to have a beer in peace, the bartender approaches him with a baseball bat and two detective toss him out of the place.  When Dezi is subsequently fired for refusing to give aid to a wounded man (the man in question was a bank robber and Detective Fitz actually told Dezi to go help a bleeding civilian in the bank and leave the robber to die), Dezi snaps.  First, Dezi steals a uniform, a badge, and a gun.  After dispensing some vigilante justice on some muggers, Dezi decides that he would like to rob a bank.  Yes, you read that correctly.  In just a matter of hours, Dezi goes from pretending to be a cop to pretending to be a criminal.  As the film progresses, it starts to become pretty clear why the police force didn’t want to hire this guy in the first place.

Unfortunately, for Dezi, his fellow EMT and occasional lover, Ally (Willow Shields), had a connection to Detective Knight and soon, Knight is on Dezi’s trail.  It all leads to a 4th of July confrontation on a baseball field.

Even though Bruce Willis is playing the title character, he’s not present for much of Detective Knight: Independence.  As with the other two Detective Knight films, it’s obvious that Willis was only on set for a day or two.  While Willis is still a physically imposing actor, there’s none of the wise guy swagger that made Willis a star.  Instead, Detective Knight is a fairly grim character.  As always, it’s a bit difficult to watch Willis in films like this, especially with the knowledge of his recent health struggles.  That said, the Detective Knight films are definitely the best of Willis’s final films and, despite the limitations imposed by his health, Willis comes across well in them.  Considering that this is Willi’s final film, certain lines hit in a way that they otherwise might not.

As with the previous Detective Knight films, the majority of the screen time is given over to the man that the Detective is pursuing.  Jack Kilmer gives a strong performance as the unbalanced Dezi.  When he first appears, he’s almost a sympathetic character.  The cops were being bullies when they kicked him out of their bar.  His boss was being unreasonable when she announced that, rather than suspend him, she was just going to fire him because she didn’t like his attitude.  When Dezi first puts on his stolen badge and uniform, it’s hard not to sympathize with his happiness because he finally has what he wants.  But almost immediately, the power goes to his head and he loses control.  He becomes a frightening character but still, it’s hard not to feel sorry for him as he yells, “I’m not the bad guy!”  Of course, Dezi is the bad guy and the tragedy of his character is that he’ll never be able to understand why that is.

He’s right, you know.

For those of us who remember him in films like Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, and The Sixth Sense, late-era Bruce Willis films can be difficult to watch and I understand and respect why some people simply can’t bring themselves do it.  And, obviously, several of Willis’s later films do leave one feeling as if the actor has been exploited by filmmakers who cared less about his legacy and more about making money off of his name.  That said, the Detective Knight films do not feel exploitive, certainly not in the way that many of his 2022 films did.  Instead, the trilogy serves as a tribute to Willis and his status as one of the world’s most popular movie stars.  As pulpy as it may be, Detective Knight: Independence allows Bruce to go out on a good note.

The TSL’s Grindhouse: Dead in Tombstone (dir by Roel Reine)


In the 2013 film, Dead in Tombstone, Danny Trejo plays Guerrero De La Cruz, an old west outlaw who is loyal to his family, who has no problem robbing banks, but who also is not a fan of unnecessary bloodshed. Even though the film opens with Guerrero and his gang gunning down a posse of men, that’s just because they were saving the life of Red (Anthony Michael Hall), who just happens to be Guerrero’s half-brother. No sooner than you can say, “In what world could Danny Trejo and Anthony Michael Hall possibly be related?,” Red is asking Guerrero to help him pull off a daring robbery.

Guerrero helps Red because Guerrero is all about family. Unfortunately, Red is all about money and, not wanting to share the loot after the robbery, he promptly guns Guerrero down. Not only does Red shoot Guerrero but he insists that each member of the gang shoot him as well, implicating all of them in the crime.

Guerrero dies and promptly goes to Hell, where he’s met by Lucifer (Mickey Rourke). Guerrero doesn’t want to go to to Hell. He wants to get revenge. He offers to send a lot more souls down to Hell if Lucifer gives him a chance to return to the world of the living so that he can kill Red and the former members of his gang. Amused, Lucifer agrees but with a condition: Guerrero only has 24 hours to kill all six of his killers and Guerrero has to do all of the killing himself. He can’t hire someone else to do it or ask anyone for help. Guerrero agrees.

Unfortunately, as Guerrero soon discovers, he’s not the only one who wants Red dead. He’s going to have to move quickly if he’s going to kill all the members of the gang before Calathea (Dina Meyer), the wife of a sheriff killed by Red, gets a chance to do it herself!

Dead In Tombstone is one of those films that sounds a lot more interesting than it is. The concept behind the film is actually a pretty neat one and I like the idea of Guerrero actually having competition. This isn’t one of those westerns where everyone patiently waits their turn to go after the bad guys. The entire world wants these guys dead! Plus, who wouldn’t be excited about the idea of watching Danny Trejo and Mickey Rouke act opposite each other? With his weathered features and stoic demeanor, Danny Trejo is the perfect choice to play an outlaw and, for that matter, Rourke’s gravelly whisper and permanent smirk are put to good use in the role of the Devil. And while Anthony Michael Hall might seem like an odd choice to play Danny Trejo’s half-brother, he’s still properly villainous and loathsome in the role of Red.

And yet, the overall film itself is a bit uneven. The film looks good (especially for a straight-to-video project) but it never really seems to develop any sort of narrative momentum and there’s more than a few slow spots. At times, the film seems to be unsure of just how seiously it wants to take itself and, as a result, the story exists in a kind of limbo between being a straight western with supernatural elements and send-up of the whole genre. The end result is pretty uneven but the dream combination of Rourke and Trejo still makes it worth watching.

Bats (1999, directed by Louis Morneau)


A scientist (Bob Gunton!) has genetically engineered the local population of bats in order to make them super intelligent and aggressive.  Though he says that he just wanted to make sure that the bats never went extinct, the ultimate result of his experiment is that the bats are now killing all of the citizens of a small town in Texas.  With the National Guard threatening to blow up the town, it’s up to Sheriff Emmett Kimsey (Lou Diamond Phillips!), Dr. Alexandra McCabe (Dina Meyer!), and assistant Jimmy Sands (Leon, so cool that he only needs one name!) to figure out how destroy the bats without destroying everyone’s home.

Now, this is how you make a killer bat movie!  There’s a lot of stupid things about Bats but it’s still a thousand times better than Nightwing.  I liked the idea of superintelligent bats more than the idea of just angry bats.  The bats are too clever for the humans, often seeing straight though their plans.  Nightwing took itself very seriously.  Bats does not and is therefore, better in every regard.  The bats are always on the attack, the good guys are always running from one place to another, and the National Guard just wants to blow everything up.  It’s a fun B-move, with the B standings for Bats.

You have to love that cast, too.  Any movie with Lou Diamond Phillips and Leon is going to be cooler than any movie without them.  I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the two of them hunt bats in their spare time because they really seemed to know what they were doing.  Dina Meyer was obviously cast more because she looks like Dina Meyer than because she’s really a credible scientist but she still handles all the bat talk without embarrassing herself.  Bob Gunton is a great bad guy, as always.

Bats is dumb, silly, and terrifically entertaining.

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Unspeakable (dir by Thomas J. Wright)


So, here’s a few good things about the 2002 film, Unspeakable.

First off, Jeff Fahey plays the governor of New Mexico.  Any film that presents us with a world where Jeff Fahey can be elected governor of an actual state has to be worth something.  Seriously, I’ve long thought that the country would be more interesting if actors were elected to run each state.  Here in Texas, for instance, there was a movement to draft Tommy Lee Jones a few years ago.  (Personally, I’d rather live under Governor McConaughey.)  Steven Seagal (agck!) apparently wanted to run for governor of Arizona and, of course, Cynthia Nixon actually ran up in New York.  There’s always a chance of Alec Baldwin running for something and, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger actually did govern California for two terms.  Val Kilmer, I should add, came close to running for governor of New Mexico, where this film is set!  Personally, I’d vote for Jeff Fahey over Val Kilmer,  It’s the eyes.

Another good thing about Unspeakable is that it features Dennis Hopper playing a crazed prison warden who rambles about how much he enjoys sending people to the electric chair.  “I am God!” Hopper says at one point and you have to enjoy any scene that features Dennis Hopper saying, “I am God!” in a southwestern accent.

Another fun thing about Unspeakable is that it features Dina Meyer and Lance Henriksen as scientists!  Meyer invents this weird little headband thing that allows her to look into your mind and see your thoughts.  Let me repeat this for those of you who might have missed the significance: DINA MEYER HAS INVENTED A MACHINE THAT ALLOW HER TO SEE EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING IN SOMEONE’S MIND!  If that wasn’t amazing enough, there’s also the fact that no one seems to be that impressed.  In fact, no one really cares.  Everyone just kind of shrugs it off.

Meyer and Henriksen ask for permission to test their invention out on death row inmates.  Sure, why not?  It’s not like Warden Hopper cares what happens to the inmates, right?  Meyer discovers that one of the inmates is innocent!  Unfortunately, no one cares.  Gov. Fahey, who is also Meyer’s former lover, refuses to commute the sentence because he’s got an election coming up and voters love the death penalty.  And so, that innocent man goes off to the electric chair.

But wait!  There’s a new prisoner on death row.  His name is Jesse Mowatt and he’s played by Pavan Grover, the doctor who wrote this film.  It turns out that he is America’s most prolific serial killer!  He’s murdered hundreds of people, all because of some weird issue he has with religion.  Anyway, it’s pretty obvious that this killer has a date with the electric chair but first, Meyer gets to use her amazing-invention-that-nobody-cares-about on him.  What she discovers is that this serial killer might be a demon-possessed monster who can use his mind to drive other people to do things like rip their faces off.  Or maybe he’s just really clever.  He does definitely have super strength and beats up any guard that comes near him.  It never occurs to the guards to use handcuffs on him or anything.  That’s just the type of prison that it is.

Anyway, I appreciated the film’s anti-death penalty theme but the film still got a bit too heavy-handed for my tastes.  Pavan Grover wrote himself a pretty good part but he doesn’t really have the screen presence necessary to do the whole irresistible sociopath thing.  Still, I appreciate any movie that features Jeff Fahey as a governor.

FAHEY 2024!

 

What Lisa Watched Last Night #178: Evil Doctor (dir by Brian Skiba)


On Sunday night, immediately after watching Twin Betrayal, I watched and, working with TSL contributor Case Wright, live tweeted a film called Evil Doctor!

Why Was I Watching It?

The first reason was an obvious one.  It was a Lifetime movie and, as our regular readers know, there’s no way that I would ever miss the chance to watch a Lifetime film.

The other reason was that the film was named Evil Doctor, which made it sound like the origin story of perhaps the greatest MCU villain of all time.  As a general rule, any Lifetime film that has the word “evil” in the title is going to turn out to be good.  Evil is right up there with “Bad,” “Confessions,” and “…at 17” as far as words in Lifetime movie titles are concerned.

What Was It About?

Everyone wants something.

Aubrey Lewis (Jen Lilley) just wants to have her baby in peace.

Aubrey’s husband, Matt (Corin Nemec), wants to be a respected television writer, even if he is stuck writing for a sitcom called Family Phun.

And what does Dr. Natalie Barnes (Dina Meyer) want?  She wants to have a baby and she wants a baby now!  She also wants to deal with all of the unresolved issues that she had with her dead father, who happened to look just like Matt!  What better solution to Natalie’s problems than seduce Matt, steal Aubrey’s baby, and kill anyone who gets in her way?

Seriously, she’s not called an evil doctor for nothing.

What Worked?

Obviously, with a film like this, success is going to depend on how effectively the title character is played.  Fortunately, Dina Meyer really threw herself into the role of the evil doctor, kidnapping babies, seducing starlets, and murdering anyone who looked at her the wrong way.  Dina Meyer has always done a good job when she’s been cast as a Lifetime movie psycho and Evil Doctor was no different.  As well, Corin Nemec and Jen Lilley were likable as the objects of her obsession.

Evil Doctor was one of those Lifetime films that showed no hesitation about going totally and completely over-the-top.  Between the evil doctor plotting and the wayward husband trying not to get caught and the poor wife just trying to have her baby in peace, there was not one ounce of drama that this film did not explore.  It was outlandish, flamboyant, silly, and a hell of a lot fun!

What Did Not Work?

I think that the film missed a huge opportunity by not recruiting Eric Roberts to reprise his character from Stalked By My Doctor in a cameo appearance.  I would have ended the film with Matt and Aubrey going to see their new doctor and discovering Dr. Beck waiting for them in his office.  That would have been a legendary ending!

(For the record, according to the imdb, Eric Roberts currently has 57 films that are either currently filming or in post-production.  That has nothing to do with Evil Doctor but it is a fun piece of trivia.)

Other than the glaring lack of Eric Roberts, everything worked in Evil Doctor.  I mean, let’s be honest.  When you watch a film with a title like Evil Doctor, you know what you’re going to get.  You watch a film like this because you want to embrace the melodrama and you’re looking forward to trying to predict every outlandish twist.  Evil Doctor delivered exactly what it promised.

“Oh my God!  Just Like Me!” Moments

I totally related to Janelle (Kelsey Griswold), who was Aubrey’s sister and who moved in to help around the house while Aubrey was pregnant.  Janelle had this wonderfully sarcastic, no-bullshit approach to life, to which I totally related.  Janelle disliked almost everyone who came by the house and never made any attempt to hide that fact.

Lessons Learned

Always trust your sister’s instincts.

What Horror Lisa And The Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #156: The Crooked Man (dir by Jesse Holland)


Last night, my friends, the Snarkalecs, and I watched the latest SyFy original film, The Crooked Man!

the-crooked-man-707

Why Were We Watching It?

Gawdamn, y’all (as we tend to say down here in Texas), do you remember how much fun it used to be when SyFy would premiere a different movie every Saturday night?  Back when I first started regularly watching SyFy and live tweeting with the Snarkalecs, SyFy was all about original movies.

Sadly, things have changed.  Now, we only get SyFy original movies twice during the year.  Once is during the week leading up to the latest Sharknado film.  The other time is October, when SyFy does its 31 Days of Horror.

Since the Snarkalecs are still trying to change SyFy’s policy towards original movies, we make it a point to watch every single one of them.  We also make it a point to tweet about the movies, the hope being that someone at SyFy will see that there is an audience for original movies.

That’s what we were doing last night as we watched The Crooked Man.

What Was It About?

Olivia (Angelique Rivera) gets all of her friends killed but isn’t ever really held responsible because she’s the main character in the film.

Okay, there’s actually a little more to it than that.  The Crooked Man is a hybrid of The Ring, It Follows, Candyman, Slenderman, The Nun, and … well, just about every other horror film made over the past 16 years.  It starts with a slumber party, where a group of 12 year-old girls make the mistake of listening to a song online.  The song, it’s said, will summon the Crooked Man.

Later, the slumber party is interrupted when all the lights go out.  Fortunately, there’s also a pizza delivery guy at the party and he knows how to turn the lights back on.  Well, that’s good.  However, there is yet another interruption when one of the girls, Jill, is found dead at the foot of the stairs.  Standing over her is Olivia.  Though Olivia has a knife in her hands, she swears that she didn’t kill Jill.  It was … THE CROOKED MAN!

Olivia is sent to a mental asylum for six years.  When she’s released, she returns home.  The problem is that nobody in the town wants her to come home.  And actually, they have a point because, as soon as Olivia returns, The Crooked Man starts killing everyone who was at that slumber party.

EVEN THE PIZZA GUY!

What Worked?

I will be the first to admit that most of my tweets were pretty critical last night but there were a few effectively creepy moments in The Crooked Man.  The Crooked Man himself was scary.

The Voice‘s Dia Frampton showed up to sing a song and then promptly got killed.  That definitely provided the film with a nice WTF moment.

What Did Not Work?

Okay — so the Crooked Man can only get you when you’re in the dark, right?  SO WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THE FILM KEEP TURNING OFF ALL THE LIGHTS!?  Seriously, nobody seemed to appreciate that there was a really easy solution to most of their problems…

(Actually, in all fairness, The Crooked Man had the power to kill all the electricity and plunge people into darkness.  But still, it did seem like the characters often never even considered trying to turn on all the lights.  I would have at least liked to have seen some sort of effort.)

“OMG!  Just like me!” Moments

I related to the character of Violet.  Violet was at the slumber party and therefore, she was on Crooked Man’s kill list.  And Violet put the blame right where it belonged.  On Olivia!

Seriously, Olivia, way to get all your friends killed.

Lessons Learned

If a monster can only exist in the dark, turn on the damn lights!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #128: Lethal Seduction (dir by Nancy Leopardi)


Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Lethal Seduction!

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Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime, of course!  Plus, with a name like Lethal Seduction, you knew it had to be good.  It’s not quite as great a title as A Deadly Adoption or Babysitter’s Black Book but it’s close.

What Was It About?

Mark Richards (Caleb Ruminer) seems like he has a great future ahead of him.  He’s a high school senior who has invented a new app and who is going to be attending Princeton in the fall.  Sweet Melanie (Tessa Harnetiaux) has a crush on him.  His best friend, Walter (Sam Lerner), is so desperately uncool that he makes Mark look really hot by comparison.  His widowed mother, Tanya (Amanda Detmer), is extremely overprotective but, fortunately, she’s being distracted by her new boyfriend, Randy (Brian Smith).

(Randy and Tanya work at the local aquarium and the entire film is full of oddly pensive close-ups of sharks and jellyfish swimming around.  They don’t have anything to do with the plot but they are pretty to look at.)

One day, while at the hardware store, Mark meets Carissa (Dina Meyer).  Carissa invites Mark home with her and soon, Mark is showering with Carissa, swimming naked with Carissa, having sex with Carissa, and getting handcuffed by Carissa.  (And why not?  App developers are sexy!)  Walter is jealous.  Melanie is scared.  And Tanya does not approve, especially after Carissa starts to encourage Mark to skip college and instead, move in with her.

That’s right, Carissa is an obsessive and homicidal cougar!  And, just in case you needed any reminded that she’s crazy, the film is called Lethal Seduction

What Worked?

This film was a lot of fun.  Frequent TSL commenter Doc Zeke and I had a lot of fun live tweeting it over on twitter.  The film is totally melodramatic, over the top, and ridiculous in that wonderful Lifetime fashion.  It was all very silly but it was a lot of fun as well.

Plus, Dina Meyer fully committed herself to playing the murderous Carissa.  She gleefully attacked the role with almost as much energy that Carissa devoted to attacking anyone who dared to stand between her and Mark.

What Did Not Work?

The film is full of close-ups of sharks and yet the sharks themselves are never really relevant to the plot.  Don’t introduce a shark unless someone’s going to end up getting eaten by the end of the film.

“OMG!  Just like me!” Moments

I related to Melanie.  It’s unfortunate that neither Mark nor fate treated her better.

Lessons Learned

All of Mark’s troubles could have been avoided if he had just listened to his mother and done exactly what she said.  That’s actually a pretty common Lifetime lesson.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #120: Text to Kill (dir by George Erschbamer)


Last night, I watched the latest Canadian-made Lifetime original film, Text to Kill!

Lifetime-movie-Text-to-Kill-April-2015Why Was I Watching It?

I was watching both because it was on Lifetime and it was a Canadian production.  I love Lifetime and I love Canada.

What Was It About?

High school senior Taylor (Emily Tennant) has a lot to deal with.  It’s been two years since her father was killed in a tragic car accident.  Her overprotective mother (Dina Meyer) is a cop.  Her former best friend, Hannah (Stephanie Bennett), is now her enemy.  Her current best friend, Barbara (Sarah Desjardins), is dealing with a secret of her own.  And now, out of nowhere, she has started to get threatening texts from someone calling himself “Truth & Lies.”

Who could be behind the evil texts?  At first, Taylor suspects that it’s Hannah.  But could it be Brandon (Kurt Ostland), the school weirdo?  Or maybe it’s Cody (Keenan Tracy), Taylor’s enigmatic new boyfriend who somehow had her number before she ever gave it to him.  Or could it be someone else entirely?

What Worked?

Text to Kill was actually a pretty fun little thriller.  It kept me guessing, all of the actors gave good performances, and — perhaps most importantly — there was not a single character who didn’t live in a big and tastefully decorated house.  (One of the pleasures of watching movies on Lifetime is that you get to see how everyone decorates their home.)  Sarah Desjardins especially did a good job in the role of Barbara, bringing a bit of social relevance to what otherwise could have just been a standard Lifetime thriller.

What Did Not Work?

From the minute Text to Kill started, I knew that it was going to be one of those thriller that ended with a totally implausible twist, the type of twist that it’s best not to think too much about.  And that’s exactly what happened!  Unfortunately, the twist was revealed when there was still 15 minutes of film left to go.  That left the audience with 15 minutes to think about how little sense it all made.  If the film had waited until the final 7 minutes to reveal that twist, it wouldn’t have been an issue.  But 15 minutes is too long an amount of time to know about the twist without thinking about all the unanswered questions and issues raised by it.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I related to the character of Hannah and I especially admired the fact that she was less scared by the stalker and more just annoyed by all the inconvenience.

Lessons Learned

When your mom’s a cop, there’s nothing you can’t get away with.