David Cassidy | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise is all about simple misunderstandings that could be easily cleared up by people just not acting stupid for a few seconds. Unfortunately, that’s too much to ask.

Episode 4.4 “Target Gopher/The Major’s Wife/Strange Honeymoon/The Oilman Cometh”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 8th, 1980)

Lo and beware! Here comes the idiot plot!

As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, there’s nothing that bothers me more than an idiot plot. That is when a TV show — usually a sitcom — builds an entire episode out of a misunderstanding that could be easily cleared up by everyone just not being an idiot. These are the type of episodes where everyone talks over each other and runs off before they can get a full explanation of what’s happening. They are frustrating to watch.

This episode of The Love Boat has not just one idiot plot but several of them. I usually love this show but this episode made me cringe from start to finish.

Consider:

Oilman Mason Fleers (Dale Robertson) has chartered the boat for his company. He is not only giving everyone a free cruise but he hopes that he’ll be able to sign a big oil deal with Prince Hassan (Pat Harrington, Jr.), who is excited to see the ocean because “my country is covered in sand.” Mason has arranged for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (playing themselves) to provide entertainment. Even though the cheerleaders were on the ship last season, everyone acts as if this is the first time they’ve ever seen them. Doc Bricker is especially excited to see them, even though it’s debatable that a glamorous NFL cheerleader from a land-locked city would ever fall for a middle-aged guy who works on a boat for a living.

Prince Hassan boards the boat looking for a new wife. (He already has several but he specifically wants an American.) When Mason’s assistant, Ted (David Cassidy, with a rather unflattering mustache), attempts to give Prince Hassan the gift of a computerized chess game, Prince Hassan thinks that Ted is actually giving him Ted’s girlfriend, Janet (Janet Gunn). Prince Hassan thinks that Janet will be his new wife and he immediately makes plans for the marriage ceremony to take place on the boat. Ted, Captain Stubing, and Janet could clear all this up by telling Prince Hassan the truth but instead, they just try to hide Janet from him. And then Ted decides that maybe he could win Janet back from the Prince.

One word for all of this: Idiot.

Mason, for his part, falls for one of the cheerleaders (Jayne Ann Maxwell), and pressures her to spend time along with him. Jayne reacts to this by randomly declaring her love for Gopher. Gopher plays along so Mason decides to get revenge by walking up behind Gopher, surprising Gopher, and then collapsing to the deck and pretending that Gopher knocked him out. Gopher is suspended from his duties while the cruise line investigates. There were plenty of people on the deck at the time but no one steps forward to say that Mason clearly faked getting hit. Or maybe someone could point out that Mason has spent the entire cruise harassing a cheerleader who is not interested in him. But no one does. Why?

Because this is an idiot plot.

Walter Henson (Al Corley) was planning on spending his honeymoon on the cruise but then he found out his wife-to-be cheated on him. He left her at the altar. He still takes the cruise but he brings his brother, Hud (Mark Pinter), with him. When Doc, Isaac, and Gopher learn that Hud and Walter are both in the honeymoon suite, they assume that they’re a couple and, because this episode is 44 years old, start giving each other funny looks. It doesn’t occur to anyone that Walter and Hud might have the same last name because they’re related. When Hud falls for a cheerleader, he continually makes excuses to keep her from finding out that he’s traveling with his brother. Why?

IDIOT PLOT!

Major Ross Latham (Robert Culp) boards the boat with his shy and modest wife, Nara (Nobu McCarthy). Surprise! Gloria Beaumont (Jo Ann Pflug) is also on the boat. She and the major are old friends and soon, they’re spending all of their time together. Julie and Vicki assume that Gloria is trying to steal Ross away from Nara. Nara doesn’t suspect a thing.

Idiot. Plot.

Needless to say, everything work out in the end but this episode leaned way too heavily on everyone being an idiot. The Love Boat should be entertaining, not frustrating. This was one of those episodes that just left me wanting to jump overboard.

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, David Cassidy gets married and Tina Louise meets the Blood Countess!

Episode 3.15 “Unholy Wedlock/Elizabeth”

(Dir by Rod Holcomb, originally aired on January 12th, 1980)

Danny Collier (David Cassidy) has come to the Island with his best friend, Ken Jason (Eddie Mekka). Danny’s fantasy is to finally marry his fiancée over the weekend. As he explains to Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, he’s tried to get married several times in the past and, every time, something happened that kept him from getting to the ceremony. This weekend, though, he’s going to get married on the island and Tattoo is going to throw him a wonderful bachelor party! When Mr. Roarke questions whether Danny really loves his wife-to-be, Danny explains that his fiancée is rich!

The main problem with this fantasy is that, from the start, Danny comes across as being a total jerk. David Cassidy plays the entire role with this bizarre intensity that makes him come across as being an entitled frat boy. I didn’t care about Danny and his wedding and, as a result, I really didn’t care when Danny woke up to discover that he had married Christie (Misty Rowe), the dancer from his bachelor party. Danny was desperate to get the marriage annulled, even though it had already been consummated. Unfortunately, Tattoo was of little help. When Christie suddenly disappeared, Danny was arrested for her murder!

Wow, that took a turn.

Not to worry, though. Danny escapes from jail, goes to a Fantasy Island dive bar, and discovers that Christie faked her own death so Danny could marry the woman that he has been pretending to love. But then Danny realizes that Christie is who he loves so he stays married to her. I felt bad for Christie since Danny came across as if he was destined to be bitter and washed-up by the time he hit 30.

You may have noticed that I said Tattoo was the one who explained to Danny that his marriage could not be annulled. That’s because Mr. Roarke had a mission of his own to deal with in this episode. When Lisa Corday (Tina Louise) came to the Island, her fantasy was one that caused Mr. Roarke much concern. Haunted by nightmares, Lisa wanted to visit the castle that she frequently saw in her dreams. Roarke immediately knew that the castle was the home of the infamous Elizabeth Bathory, the Hungarian noblewoman who was convicted of and executed for bathing in the blood of virgins. Apparently, Mr. Roarke played a role in trapping Elizabeth Bathory’s evil spirit inside of her castle and Elizabeth was using Lisa to get revenge on Roarke! (It should not be overlooked that, as a name, Lisa started out as a shortened version of Elizabeth. Then, everyone realized how pretty the name was on its own that Lisa soon became more popular than Elizabeth.) Roarke accompanied Lisa to the castle and, when Elizabeth’s spirit possessed Lisa, Roarke was there to battle Elizabeth, rescue Lisa, and banish Elizabeth back to Hell.

Wow, that’s pretty intense for Fantasy Island!

The Elizabeth Bathory storyline was so well-done and energetically acted by both Tina Louise and Ricardo Montalban that it more than made up for all the nonsense with David Cassidy. The castle was wonderfully creepy and Tina Louise portrayed demonic possession with the best of them. The whole storyline was wonderfully melodramatic and over the top. It also took advantage of the fact that, after three seasons, we’re still not quite sure who Mr. Roarke is. This episode suggests that Roarke has been around for a very long time and that he’s even more powerful than previously hinted.

Thanks to the evil efforts of Elizabeth Bathory, this was one of better episodes of Fantasy Island’s third season. Not even David Cassidy could bring it down.