Tag Archives: Dane Clark

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.19 “Face of Love/Image of Celeste”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week …. hey, where’s Tattoo!?

Episode 5.19 “Face of Love/Image of Celeste”

(Dir by Don Chaffey, originally aired on March 20th, 1982)

Once again, as I did with Miami Vice and CHiPs, I am going to save time by doing this review bullet-point style.  It’s the holidays, after all.

  • After two (or was it three) weeks of just Roarke and Tattoo, this episode features only Julie as Roarke’s assistant.  Apparently, Tattoo has been busy helping a guest fulfill a “Cinderella fantasy” but things have gone wrong.  The carriage turned back into a pumpkin.  The horses turned back into mice and are now running all over the Island.  Tattoo is not seen in this episode, which is a shame because the last few episodes (featuring only him and Roarke) really did feel like a throw-back to the first two seasons of the show.
  • It’s been kind of weird during this season, continually hearing that various fantasies are going wrong.  That’s not the Fantasy Island that we all know.  Fantasy Island has previously been portrayed as a place where Roarke would never allow anything to truly go wrong.
  • Julie doesn’t really do anything as Roarke’s assistant in this episode.  Roarke tells her who each guest is and gives her the details of their fantasy but that’s pretty much it.
  • Laura Jensen (Erin Gray) has spent her life with a face that was scarred during a housefire.  She’s grown up to be bitter and angry.  She’s just gotten out of prison and she’s brought to the Island by her parole officer, Ron  (Monte Markham).  Ron’s fantasy is for Laura’s scars to go away so that Laura can let go of her anger and live a norma;l life.
  • Though initially weary, Laura is amazed when Roarke gives her a magical cream that causes her scars to temporarily vanish.  In fact, Laura appears to be ready to get on with her life and accept that she and Ron are in love.  But then Laura’s sleazy ex (Larry Manetti) shows up and tempts her back to her old ways.  Don’t worry.  It all works out in the end and Ron and Laura leave as a couple.  However, I get the feeling that Ron’s going to lose his job as a parole officer.  Falling in love with a parolee and taking a tropical vacation with her seems like something that would go against every rule in the book.
  • The other fantasy was slightly more interesting, if just because it featured Paul Gauguin.  When Celeste Vallon (Joanne Pettet) discovers that Roarke owns a Gauguin portrait of a woman who looks just like her, Celeste requests to go back to the past and be that woman.  Roarke agrees, even though he warns her that she will also have to make a very serious decision, one that could change history.
  • Right away, this fantasy ran into a major stumbling block.  The Gauguin painting looked absolutely nothing like something that Gauguin, one of the great post-impressionists, would have painted.  Instead, it’s a very conventional painting.
  • The second stumbling block is that the legendary and charismatic Gauguin is played by the handsome but mild-mannered Robert Goulet.
  • What Celeste discovers is that she is directly descended from the woman in Gauguin’s painting.  The woman was Gauguin’s mistress and was engaged, against her will, to marry a soldier (Christopher Stone).  If Celeste agrees to remain with Gauguin, then Gauguin will never paint another painting.  If Celeste agrees to return to France, her ancestor will lose the love of her life but Gauguin will continue to paint.
  • Celeste chooses not to change history.  Good for her!  Of course, that’s kind of an easy decision to make when Celeste isn’t the one who is actually going to have to live the rest of her life in Paris, dreaming of returning to Tahiti and Gauguin.
  • I wanted to like this episode more than I did.  The parole officer bringing one of his parolees to the Island felt strange to me and the Gauguin story would have worked if the painter had been anyone other than the Paul Gauguin.  If they had come up with a fictional painter, perhaps Goulet would have seemed more appropriate in the role.  As it was, this episode felt bland and miscast.
  • Herve Villechaize was an accomplished painter so it’s a shame he wasn’t present for the Gauguin story.  It’s previously been established that Tattoo is quite a painter himself so this episode definitely feels like a missed opportunity.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.22 “An Investment In Caring”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan encourages everyone to violate federal law.

Episode 1.22 “An Investment In Caring”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 13th, 1985)

Helen Spencer (Eileen Heckart) is an annoying old busy body who lives in one of those charming city neighborhoods that are only found on shows like Highway to Heaven.  Even since her husband died, she has kept herself active by working as a cleaning lady at the Halstead Corporation, which is the same company that wants to not only tear down her neighborhood but also turn the local cemetery into a condo subdivision.

Fortunately, Helen’s new boarders just happen to be Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon.  Jonathan encourages Helen to rally the neighbors to take a stand against Halstead.  He also encourages Paul Tarsten (Dane Clark), who was recently laid off from Halstead for being too old, to help Helen out.  With Jonathan’s guidance, Helen goes through the trash at Halstead, finds some stock reports that really should have been put through a shredder, and then use that insider information to buy and sell a bunch of stock until soon, she and her friends are the majority stockholders.

“Only in America,” Ms. Zabenko (Elsa Raven) exclaims not once but five times, just in case you were wondering how heavy-handed this episode was.

Helen is able to save her neighborhood, save the cemetery where her husband is buried, and also take over the company.  She also finds hints of romance with Paul, who is himself a widower.  Their mission accomplished, Jonathan and Mark leave town….

…. which is good because I don’t see anyway that Paul, Helen, and Ms. Zabenko aren’t eventually going to end up in federal prison.  Just about every piece of advice that Jonathan gave Helen led to her doing something illegal, from insider trading to corporate espionage to stealing from the office.  Only in America, Ms. Zabenko?  In America, we have laws against stock market manipulation.

This episode just irked me.  Whenever people talk about Highway to Heaven being an unrealistic and cheesy show, this is the type of episode that they’re thinking of.  It takes a lot to make a heartless corporation sympathetic but the overacted and rather smug neighborhood activists in this episode managed to do just that.  In previous episodes, Jonathan and Mark have appealed to businessmen to get them to change their ways.  In this episode, the head of Halstead isn’t given that opportunity.  Instead, Jonathan — acting on authority from GOD — encourages a bunch of people with no business experience and no way of knowing any better to commit a bunch of federal crimes.  Helen takes over the company but what does Helen know about running a company?  When Halstead goes bankrupt, a lot of people who had nothing to do with the former CEO’s plans will end up losing their jobs.  Way to go, God.

Finally, I should note that this episode begins with Helen’s former boarder telling her that he’s moving out because a voice in his head told him to move to Alaska.  It’s only because he leaves that Helen has the room to rent to Jonathan and Mark.  So, basically, promoting insider trading wasn’t enough for Jonathan.  He also had to ruin some poor schmuck’s life by telling him to move to a state that he knows nothing about.  Not since the Book of Enoch has an angel behaved so unethically.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.5 “The Love Doctor/The Pleasure Palace”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, Roarke and Tattoo are still ignoring each other.

Episode 4.5 “The Love Doctor/The Pleasure Palace”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy and Cliff Bole, originally aired on November 22nd, 1980)

The plane has arrived and, once again, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo head down to the docks to meet their guests.  And, as with the previous season four episodes, it’s hard not to notice that neither Ricardo Montalban nor Herve Villechaize are willing to look at each other while delivering their lines.  I feel a little bit bad about having started almost every recent review by mentioning the obvious hostility between the two of them but it’s impossible not to notice.  Previously, one of the show’s greatest strengths was the playful banter between Roarke and Tattoo and, when it’s gone, it’s impossible not to notice the absence.

Speaking of hostility, Gordon Hughes (Gary Burghoff) seem to have a lot resentment against the world.  Thanks to the inheritance that he received from his grandmother, Gordon has graduated from law school and he is on the verge of joining a top law firm.  But, before he does so, he wants to go back in the past and discover how his grandmother made all of her money.  Mr. Roarke takes Gordon to a recreation of the saloon that his grandmother owned in turn-of-the-century San Francisco.  Gordon takes a sip of brandy and is transported into the past.  He quickly discovers that …. HIS GRANDMOTHER OWNED A BROTHEL!

At first, Gordon is upset about this discovery.  But then he falls in love with one of his grandmother’s employees, a waitress named Molly (Barbie Benton).  And then he stands up to a crooked cop (Dane Clark).  And then he meets his grandmother (Ruta Lee) and discovers that she was tough and refused to let anyone push her around.  Gordon realizes that he should be proud of his grandmother and his heritage and that he wants to be with Molly.  But then the San Francisco earthquake hits and Gordon is abruptly transported to the present.  Not to worry, though!  It turns out Molly was also a guest having a fantasy and she and Gordon board the airplane home together.

This fantasy — which featured a lot of nice clothes and period detail — would have been effective if not for Gary Burghoff’s rather off-putting performance as Gordon.  Seriously, Gordon came across as being such an uptight and self-righteous prig that it was difficult to have much sympathy for him.  Of course, that was kind of the point.  Gordon was supposed to be a snob but Burghoff made him such a convincing and such a committed snob that it was hard to believe that he could have changed his ways just over the course of a few days.

The second guest is actress Kim Holland (Loni Anderson), who is the biggest star in the world after appearing in only three movies.  She wants a break from being a star so Mr. Roarke arranges for her to serve as a nurse in a remote clinic that is run by the gruff Dr. Greg Miller (Christopher George).  Kim finds a purpose in life helping Dr. Miller but, when they’re kidnapped by a native tribe, Dr. Miller reveals that he has always known who Kim is.  Dr. Miller plays one of her movies for the tribe, convincing them that Kim is a goddess.  Miller goes on to explain that he’s been in love with Kim ever since he first saw her on screen.  Seeing as Kim’s fantasy was to not be recognized for a few days, it would seem that Roarke failed to keep up his end of the bargain.  But it doesn’t matter because Kim and Greg are in love.  This fantasy could have worked with perhaps a different actress in the role of Kim.  Loni Anderson gave such a blank performance as Kim that it was hard to really believe her either as a movie star or a nurse.

(Interestingly enough, the character of Kim Holland also appeared on the episode of The Love Boat that aired right before this episode.  So, if nothing else, this is the first Love Boat/Fantasy Island cross-over.  Incidentally, I’ll be reviewing that episode of The Love Boat in a few more months.)

This was a fairly forgettable episode.  The island was lovely to look at and I’m glad that everyone found love but I just wish Mr. Roarke and Tattoo could be friends again.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, boxing comes to Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)

Once again, this episode opens with no banter between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo.  Instead, Tattoo announces the arrival of the plane and rings the bell and then he and Mr. Roarke head down to the docks to meet their guests.  This is the third episode in a row without any pre-guest banter and I have to admit that I’m really missing it.

As for this week’s guests, they’re an improvement on last week’s rather forgettable offering.

Joey Lee (Gary Collins) is a former heavyweight boxer who comes to the Island with his son, Mitch (K.C. Martel).  Joey thinks that he’s just been hired to serve as a sparring partner for the world champion, Jackson Malone (Fred Williamson).  Jackson has a title defense coming up, right on the Island.  What Joey doesn’t know is that Mitch’s fantasy is for his father to have a shot at the championship.  When Malone’s opponent has to drop out of the fight, Joey is named as a substitute.  Mitch is excited, until he finds out that Joey is being pressured to take a dive in the third round.  Will Joey throw the fight?  And, even if Joey doesn’t, how will Mitch react to seeing his father getting pounded in the face by the world champion?  Will Mitch learn that his love for his father is more important than his father’s championship?

This fantasy was a typical Rocky rip-off, right down to Fred Williamson doing a credible Apollo Creed impersonation.  The problem, of course, is that the middle-aged and mild-mannered Gary Collins was in no way credible as a heavyweight boxer.  The fact that the world champion was played by an actual athlete didn’t help matters.  (It’s true that Carl Weathers, like Williamson, was also a football player before he played Apollo but Sylvester Stallone himself had been an amateur boxer before he played Rocky so it was easier to buy the idea of their match going the distance.)  In the end, I liked the fact that Mitch realized that his father’s health was more important than being champion.  The fantasy had a nice ending, even if it’s difficult to buy the set-up.

The other fantasy featured Adrienne Barbeau as Brenda Richards.  When she first arrives on Fantasy Island, Tattoo comments on how obese Brenda is, even though she’s only a few pounds overweight.  (Adrienne Barbeau wears a very unconvincing fat suit.)  Mr. Roarke explains that Brenda was humiliated at her high school prom when her date, arrogant jock Lance (Tim Thomerson), tricked her into undressing in the gym before then bringing in the entire senior class in to laugh at her.  (Yikes!)  The high school reunion is being held on Fantasy Island and Brenda’s fantasy is to get revenge.  Roarke gives her a potion which allows her to be thin for 48 hours.  (In reality, Barbeau just ditches the fat suit.)

At the reunion, Brenda tricks Lance into taking off his wig.  The entire senior class discovers that Lance is totally bald and they laugh and laugh.  Everyone is impressed with Brenda’s revenge except for Brenda’s old high school friend, Bernie Drexel (Fred Grandy, taking a break from The Love Boat).  Brenda sees that she was just as cruel to Lance as he was to her back in high school so she makes a public apology and encourages everyone to be kind to one another.  Barbeau then puts the fat suit back on.  Bernie says that Brenda will always be the most beautiful woman that he knows.  Awwwww!

I actually liked this fantasy, largely because of the chemistry between Barbeau and Grandy.  Plus, Tim Thomerson made a great arrogant jock.  I know that some people will say that this episode featured too many jokes about Brenda’s weight (especially considering the fact that, even before drinking the potion, Brenda was hardly obese) but I appreciated the fact that it had an anti-bullying message.  And if her romance with Bernie inspires Brenda to eat healthy and start getting regular exercise, all the better!

At the end of the episode, Mr. Roarke tells Tattoo that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  “To me,” Mr. Roarke says, “you are six feet two inches tall.”

Uhmmm….yeah, I don’t know how I feel about that ending.  It seems like the show, whether intentionally or not, is saying that Tattoo will be forever unloved because of his height.  Even without the pre-guest banter, Roarke is finding ways to passive-aggressively taunt his assistant.  That’s life on Fantasy Island.

30 Days of Noir #19: Never Trust A Gambler (dir by Ralph Murphy)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Never Trust A Gambler is a 78-minute noir gem from 1951.

It tells the story of Steve Garry (Dane Clark) and his ex-wife, Virginia (Cathy O’Donnell).  Virginia divorced Steve because he was a degenerate gambler but that doesn’t mean that she no longer has feelings for him.  Or, at the very least, that’s what Steve is hoping when, out of the blue, he shows up at her door and tells her that he needs a place to hide out.

As Steve explains it, a friend of his had been accused of murder and Steve is being pressured to testify at the man’s trial.  In a move of pure gaslighting, Steve explains that his friend is innocent but, if Steve testifies, it will lead to his friend being wrongfully convicted.  Hence, unless Virginia wants to be responsible for sending an innocent man to death row, she has to give Steve a place to hide out.  Furthermore, Steve swears to her that he’s no longer a gambler and that he’ll only need to stay with her for a few days.  Reluctantly, Virginia agrees.

Later, while Virginia is at a grocery store, she’s approached by a police sergeant named McCloy (Rhys Williams).  At first, it seems like McCloy might be following her because he’s looking for Steve but, instead, it turns out that he used to date Virginia’s former roommate, Delores.  After clumsily trying to flirt with her at the grocery store, McCloy follows Virginia home.  When McCloy tries to force himself on her, Steve comes out of the shadows and beats McCloy to death.

So now, Virginia and Steve have a dead body to contend with.  Because Steve is hiding from the cops and Virginia’s been allowing him to hide out in her house, calling the police is not an option.  Steve promises Virginia that he’ll take care of the whole thing.  Steve’s solution is to put McCloy in a car and push it over the edge of a cliff.  Given that McCloy was a drunk, it’s reasonable to think that the police might assume that McCloy was driving drunk and cashed his car.  Now, Steve and Virginia both wait to find out whether or not Steve’s plan worked….

Technically, the protagonist of this film is Sgt. Donovan (Tom Drake), the detective who investigates McCloy’s death but, for the most part, Donavon’s something of a stiff.  Instead, the film really belongs to Dane Clark and Cathy O’Donnell.  Cathy O’Donnell gives a poignant performance as a woman whose efforts to escape the past and live a normal, drama-free life are continually made unnecessarily difficult by the selfish men surrounding her.  Meanwhile, Dane Clark tears through the film like a force of nervous nature.  Clark always seems to be on the verge of jumping out of his own skin and a good deal of the film’s suspense comes from wondering when Steve is going to lose control.  At the same time, Steve Garry is a character about whom most viewers will have mixed feelings.  On the one hand, he’s sleazy and selfish but, on the other hand, he saved Virginia from someone who was even worse.  Does Steve really love Virginia or is he just taking advantage of her?  This movie will keep you guessing.

Never Trust A Gambler is a well-done and intelligent film noir and definitely one that deserves to be better known.

Horror on TV: Night Gallery 3.5 “Spectre in Tap Shoes”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Spectre in Tap Shoes


Tonight’s horror on TV is an episode of Night Gallery that was originally broadcast on October 29th, 1972. It’s a ghost story that features dancing so, of course, I like it!


Enjoy Spectre in Tap Shoes!