The TSL Grindhouse: Soldier (dir by Paul W.S. Anderson)

Posted on March 17, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1998’s Soldier starts off with a brilliant seven-minute sequence. We watch as, over the course of 17 years, a child named Todd is raised and trained to be the ultimate soldier. From a young age, he’s learning how to fight. He’s learning discipline. He’s learning to follow orders without question. We follow him as he goes on to fight in conflict after conflict. The name of each conflict in which he fights is tattooed on his muscular arms. Finally, a title card appears that informs us that Todd (now played by Kurt Russell) is “Between wars.”

Captain Church (Gary Busey) insists that Todd and his fellow soldiers are the greatest fighting force in the galaxy. The autocratic Colonel Merkum (Jason Isaacs) disagrees, claiming that his genetically-engineered soldiers are superior and that Todd is now obsolete. After a savage training exercise that leaves Todd unconscious, Merkum orders that Todd be dumped on an abandoned planet.

Of course, it turns out that the planet in question is not actually abandoned. Instead, it’s home to a group of colonists who crash-landed on the planet years ago and who now live a life that is devoid of conflict. When Todd approaches the colony, he is cautiously welcomed. Todd, who rarely speaks, is extremely strong and quick and that pays off when he’s able to save Jimmy (Michael Chiklis) from being pulled into a thrasher. However, Todd is also haunted by PTSD and he’s been bred to fight and that leaves the other colonists cautious about him. Despite the efforts of Mace (Sean Pertwee) and his wife Sandra (Connie Nielsen), the other colonists vote to exile Todd from their colony.

Meanwhile, Merkum and his “superior” soldiers are heading towards the planet, eager to execute the colonists as a part of a training exercise. Todd will have to use all of his training to defeat Merkum’s super soldier, Caine 607 (Jason Scott Lee), and help the colonists reach their final destination.

One of the more interesting things about Soldier is that it apparently takes place in the same cinematic universe as Blade Runner. The wreckage of one of Blade Runner‘s flying cars is spotted on the planet and Todd is shown to have fought in some of the same battle that Roy Batty claimed to have witnessed in Ridley Scott’s classic film. For that matter, Ridley Scott himself has said that Blade Runner also takes place in the same cinematic universe as Alien and some people insist that Predator is a part of the universe as well. That’s a rich heritage for Soldier, which is essentially a dumb but entertaining B-movie.

I liked Soldier, almost despite myself. It’s a silly film and there are certain scenes, mostly dealing with day-to-day life in colony, that feel a bit draggy. But I enjoyed Kurt Russell’s performance as the ultimate super soldier. Russell has very little dialogue in the film and his character is bit stunted emotionally but it doesn’t matter. Ultimately, Russell’s natural charisma carries the day and his fight with Caine 607 is genuinely exciting. As usual, Jason Isaacs makes for a wonderfully hissable villain and even Gary Busey gives what is, for him, a rather restrained and ultimately credible performance. As is so often the case with the work of director Paul W.S. Anderson, the film is a cartoon but it’s an entertaining cartoon.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #112: Megachurch Murder (dir by Darin Scott)

Posted on February 7, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier tonight, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Megachurch Murder!

Why Was I Watching It?

First off, it was on Lifetime. And secondly, I had read that the film was supposedly based on Hamlet!

What Was It About?

Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark … Denmark, Georgia that is. Shortly after resisting the efforts of Michael Beach to expand his church, Pastor Malcolm Jamal-Warner dies under mysterious circumstances. Soon, Beach is having an affair with the pastor’s widow (Tamala Jones) and the pastor’s daughter (Shanica Knowles) is convinced that there’s been a murder. Complicating things: Knowles is dating Beach’s son, Romeo Miller.

What Worked?

To be honest, the best thing about Megachurch Murder were the tweets. This is one of those films that seemed to bring out the best of twitter.

I appreciated that the film pretended to be based on Hamlet, even though the story itself had next to nothing in common with Shakespeare’s play. That said, two youth group leaders did show up as the Megachurch Murder equivalents of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Most of the actors seemed to just be going through the motions but Michael Beach did a good job in the role of Clay King. He made for a great villain.

What Did Not Work?

All through the movie, whenever Hannah had to get away from it all, she always went to the exact same bridge. At first, it was funny that she was always standing on that bridge. But, after the 20th scene on that bridge, I started to wonder why nobody else in the town of Denmark ever seemed to use the bridge. Finally, by the time that Clay was demanding to know where Hannah was, I found myself shouting at the TV, “She’s on the bridge! She’s always on the damn bridge!”

Plus, Romeo Miller … actually, to be honest, I think Romeo Miller could give a good performance if cast in the right role. But, in this film, I kept expecting him to start talking about ICDC college. Whenever he was comforting Hannah, I kept waiting for him to say, “You can major in criminal justice or homeland security…”

Finally, I was surprised to discover that, at the end of the film, people were still attending the church. After three violent deaths, I’d probably change parishes.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

To be honest, and no one is more shocked by this than me, this is probably the first Lifetime film that I’ve ever watched that featured absolutely no moments that made me go, “Oh my God! Just like me!” I guess it’s because I was raised Catholic and didn’t have to deal with any murders while I was growing up.

It is true that, much like Hannah, I did go through my rebellious phase and I would snap at any adult who tried to speak to me. However, Hannah had an excuse. She was dealing with her father’s murder whereas, in my case, I was just a brat. So, it really doesn’t count as a “OMG! Just like me!” moment.

Lessons Learned

Big church = murder.

Horror Film Review: Nurse 3D (dir by Doug Aarniokoski)

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, last night, my boyfriend and I watched Nurse 3D because, based on the trailer that was released way back in January, we thought that it would be a sexy, fun, and enjoyably lurid movie. Do you remember that trailer? In case you need a reminder, here it is:

So, we finally got around to watching the movie and oh my God, you guys — sometimes trailers lie! I know, I know — it’s a shock. I’m still struggling to deal with it myself!

Actually, technically, the trailer for Nurse 3D doesn’t really lie. The trailer tells us that the film is about a nurse who is obsessed with another nurse and who spends the majority of the film wearing only a bra. And that’s true! But, somehow, the trailer also makes the film look like it’s a lot more fun than it actually is. The trailer reveals that Nurse 3D is meant to be something of a satirical tribute to the exploitation films of the past. What it doesn’t reveal is that the film largely does not work.

In Nurse 3D, Paz de la Huerta plays Abby Russell, a nurse who also happens to be a serial killer. When we first meet her, she’s wandering through a club in a black lace, see-through dress. In a narration that de la Huerta delivers in an emotionless drone, Abby explains that men are a disease that has been created in an “alcoholic petri dish” and that is now “infecting innocent vaginas.”

“There is only one cure for the married cock,” Abby tells us, “Only me. I’m the nurse.”

Abby, we discover, specializes in murdering married men who are on the verge of committing adultery. Sounds like a good idea for a movie, right? Well, don’t get too attached to it because, once we get through the opening credits, that entire storyline pretty much disappears.

Instead, Abby becomes obsessed with a new nurse named Danni Rogers (Katrina Bowden). One night, after Danni both has a fight with her boyfriend (Corbin Bleu) and gets yelled at by a jerk of a doctor (played by Judd Nelson), Abby invites Danni out to a club. Abby gets Danni drunk and drugged and soon they’re making out on the dance floor. The next morning, Danni wakes up in Abby’s bed. When Danni refuses to spend the day with Abby and quickly leaves, Abby reacts by trying to destroy Danni’s life…

And that plot line goes on for a while until, eventually, the filmmakers remembered that this was supposed to be a 3D film and, with the exception of one man hurtling towards the camera after being tossed off a rooftop, nothing in the film has really lent itself to whole 3D thing. So, suddenly, Abby goes from being coolly calculating to being batshit insane, essentially so that she’ll have an excuse to toss medical equipment straight at the camera.

(I’m going to guess that this all probably looked really impressive in 3D but since we were watching the film in 2D, who cares?)

And then, eventually, the movie ends.

I like what Nurse 3D was trying to do. The film is obviously meant to pay homage to the classic exploitation films to the past. That was obvious in everything from the overwritten narration to the hilariously fetishized nurses uniforms to the unapologetically sordid nature of the entire plot.

However, the film’s execution left a lot to be desired. For all of it’s attempts to celebrate over-the-top exploitation, the film never quite seems to understand what makes those films so memorable in the first place. Perhaps if Nurse 3D had stuck with being a film about a nurse who kills cheating husbands, the film would have worked. But, instead, it just becomes yet another film about an obsessive friend who turns out to be a psycho and who, fortunately for her, is lucky enough to be surrounded by people too stupid to pick up on the most obvious of clues.

And it doesn’t help that, whatever the joke was that Nurse 3D was trying to tell, it’s obvious that Paz de la Huerta was not in on it. In many ways, her character is meant to be a throwback to the great and deadly femme fatales of yesterday but it takes more than having a good body to be a femme fatale. You have to have style and that’s totally what her performance is missing. Scarlett Johansson could have worked wonders with the role of Abby Russell but Paz de la Huerta just seems to be lost.

That’s actually a pretty good description of Nurse 3D. It started out on the right track but, obviously, it lost its way.