Programmed For Love”

Posted on August 13, 2025 by casewright

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This Week, “Bix”, a sapient robot, enslaves the crew…

I had not seen “The Love Boat” in forever and it’s really more of a variety show because there are all these straight forward/weird plot lines and song or dance numbers. I watched this episode with my daughters and they were quite confused as to why people were making all of these strange choices. My response:

I’m a terrible father

I’m kind of an angry man; so, I will start with the storyline that infuriated me the most. Franklin (Peter Marshall) brings “Bix” AKA Robby The Robot on the ship. First, I dispute that he’s a robot. “Bix” had flashing lights and could say a few phrases, in that case, when I put up my sound sensitive Christmas lights – I have created robots! Second, the phrases he used hinted at a self-awareness that should’ve demanded Captain Stubing to destroy this evil thing! Third, it kept getting in the way of Franklin and Ruth (Karen Morrow) from knocking boots. Listen Bix, these people don’t have much time left and they clearly discovered a proto-Viagra; so get lost- you puritanical robot!

The next storyline was just weird. Steve (Grant Goodeve) who was somehow NOT on the original Battlestar Galactica and his wife Connie (Donna Pescow – Saturday Night Fever) cannot have children; so, they enlist a surrogate. It becomes very clear that no one knows what a surrogate is because they kept talking about how the baby would have the surrogates traits, meaning I believe they thought Steve was going to sleep with the surrogate- the 70s were weird! Connie, the wife, gets jealous because Steve becomes flirty with the surrogate and it all gets mooted because it turns out that Connie is pregnant, but they still slept with the surrogate anyway- just kidding.

The last storyline was all about Two Broke Girls (see what I did there). I found it really very depressing even with the dance number. Betsy (Betty White) was the trustee for Aunt Sylvia (Carol Channing), but it turns out that Sylvia is broke. Sylvia then, hilariously drops her ONLY asset, a diamond necklace, into the ocean, leaving them both penniless. These two intrepid and talented women, desperate for cash, had no choice, but to fight a series of opponents in juvenile-game-themed-death matches in Korea. Sadly, they were the only remaining opponents and had to face off where only one friend would leave with millions of dollars and years of regret! I will have to say that I was impressed with Betty White’s cunning when she was hunting the most dangerous game. This storyline was actually the basis for the Netflix hit “Squid Games”. I am kidding, they actually thought their poverty was hilarious. I did not understand.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.20 and 5.21 “The Musical/My Ex-Mom/The Show Must Go On/The Pest/My Aunt, the Worrier”

Posted on March 19, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s time to set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance. The Love Boat promises something for everyone so welcome aboard …. it’s love!

Episode 5.20 and 5.21 “The Musical/My Ex-Mom/The Show Must Go On/The Pest/My Aunt, the Worrier”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 27th, 1982)

I tried, everyone. Seriously, I really did try.

This week’s episode was a musical. It’s not just that the crew of the Love Boat was putting together their first annual crew talent show. It’s not just that Ethel Merman appeared as Gopher’s mom while Carol Channing played Julie’s aunt and Della Reese played Isaac’s mom while Ann Miller showed up as Doc’s former mother-in-law. All of that was fine. The episode was called The Musical and, looking at that guest list, I expected that the majority of this super-sized, two hour musical would feature the crew and their relatives rehearsing. I was looking forward to it. I’m a dancer. Ann Miller’s one of my heroes. Bring it on!

The problem was that the crew also sang and danced when they weren’t rehearsing. Every few moments there was a big production number. Some of them were entertaining. Again, Ann Miller was there and I love watching her dance. But most of the production numbers were pretty bad. It quickly became obvious that the Love Boat crew was not made up of natural-born singers and dancers. Fred Grandy tried really hard whenever he had to sing and he earnest dedication was charming but otherwise, most of the musical numbers fell flat. Each number was followed by wild applause but, seeing as how The Love Boat was not shot in front of a live studio audience, it quickly became apparent that the applause — much like the laugh track — was being piped in. Fake applause just made the whole thing feel …. not right.

I really wanted to like this episode but it just didn’t work for me. If it had limited the singing and dancing to the talent show, it would have been fun. But by turning the entire episode into a musical, it just became a bit too much, an experiment that ultimately didn’t work.

Do I sound like a feel guilty for not liking this episode? Well, I guess I do. Of all the shows that I review, The Love Boat is frequently my favorite and I really, really wanted to like this episode. I could tell that the cast was doing their best. I could tell that they probably had fun shooting this episode. But, in the end, it just didn’t work. I wanted it to work but it didn’t.

Oh well. I applaud the show for experimenting, even if it didn’t quite come together. Next week will be better!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.3 “Two Grapes On The Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce”

Posted on October 30, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, The Love Boat hosts a special event!

Episode 5.3 “Two Grapes On The Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on October 17th, 1981)

This week, the Love Boat is hosting a wine tasting competition!

Basically, the contestants sit in the ballroom. They take a sip of wine. They then write down what type of wine they think they just tasted. All of the members of the crew and the majority of the passengers watch them. Seriously, it looks like the most boring thing ever. I mean, I get why the competitors are into it. The winner gets a lot of money. But why would you want to watch people drink? I mean, if you’re crazy into wine, it seems like you’d want to drink it yourself. What fun is there in watching other people drink something? I’ll just say that, if I was on a cruise, I would want to do other things. I would want lay out by the pool or look at the ocean or maybe solve a murder. What I would not want to do would be to spend hours watching other people drink and then spit.

Also, I have to wonder about the wisdom of hosting a wine tasting competition on a ship that’s captained by a recovering alcoholic. Did the show forget this key part of the captain’s character? Merrill Stubing is a recovering alcoholic and he lives his life with the rigorous discipline of someone who is trying to avoid falling back into old habits. It would seem like Captain Stubing would at least mention his alcoholic past in this episode, especially after Vicki says that she wishes she could take part in the contest. Wouldn’t this be a good time for Stubing to explain that an addictive personality can be hereditary?

I know, I know. I’m overthinking. It’s just because I found this episode to be remarkably dull. I mean, I love The Love Boat but this episode was just boring. The whole wine tasting thing just put me to sleep.

It didn’t help that the three stories weren’t particularly interesting.

Robert Guillaume and Leslie Uggams played the two finalists in the wine tasting competition. They each lied to the other about why they needed the money. Then they fell in love and they each threw the competition so the other could win the money. But since they both got the last wine wrong, no one won and no money was awarded. Wow, wine tasting is a harsh sport!

Tanya Tucker and Michael Goodwin played a married couple who got divorced every year so that they could get a tax break. This time, they sailed to Mexico for a quickie divorce. Tucker’s ex-boyfriend, Robert Walden, was on the cruise and Tucker was tempted to stay divorced. However, she and Goodwin eventually decided to get married a sixth time and to never get divorced again. I liked this story solely because it was about screwing over the IRS.

Finally, Betty White wanted to marry Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. but he instead fell for Betty White’s friend, Carol Channing. No worries though! Fairbanks gave Betty White a job so that she would no longer have to marry for money.

It was all pretty boring. As I said, I love this show but this episode tasted as flat as a French wine from 1178.