Horror Review: Rings (dir by F. Javier Gutierrez)

Posted on October 13, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As our longtime readers know, I’ve seen my share of stupid movies but it’s hard for me to think of any recent film that’s quite as dumb as Rings.

It’s a shame, really. Rings, which came out in February of this year, is the second sequel to The Ring. Despite the fact that it’s been imitated by a countless number of inferior rip-offs and the film’s central premise of evil traveling through a VHS tape has become dated, The Ring actually holds up pretty well. But, Rings just does not work.

It should be said that Rings gets off to a good and chilling start, with passengers on an airplane asking if they’ve heard about “the tape that can kill you” and then Samara Morgan (Bonnie Morgan) suddenly appearing on every screen in the plane. It’s the film’s way of declaring, “Just because VHS tapes are a thing of the past, that’s not going to stop our Samara!” It’s a good opening but it’s also only five minutes and it’s followed by a “two years later…” title card.

Spoiler alert: two years later, everything goes down hill and the movie gets stupid.

The main plot of Rings deals with Holt (Alex Roe) and Julia (Matilda Lutz, who looks and sounds like Ellen Page but isn’t Ellen Page). They’re teenagers in love and when Holt leaves for college, they promise to skype each other every night. However, one night, Julia sits down in front of her laptop and discovers that Holt is not in his dorm room. Instead, there’s a woman demanding to know where Holt is.

HOLT HAS DISAPPEARED!

Julia goes to the college to find her boyfriend. She discovers that Holt has fallen in with a professor (Johnny Galecki) who apparently watched the infamous video tape. In order to avoid dying, the professor showed the tape to one of his students. And then he had that student find someone else to watch the tape and so on and so forth. I kept waiting for someone to ask the professor why he was ripping off It Follows but, apparently, no one at the college has ever seen a horror film.

Anyway, Holt has yet to force anyone to watch the video tape and he’s running out of time. In order to save her boyfriend’s life, Julia watched the video. Oddly, we don’t really get to see much of the video in Rings. I’m going to assume that the filmmakers felt that it would be pointless to show the whole video again since, presumably, the everyone in the audience has seen either The Ring or The Ring 2 or maybe even Ringu. But seriously, this is a Ring movie. Not showing the entire video without interruption feels almost disrespectful to the audience. It’s kind of like making a Friday the 13th movie and then refusing to actually show us Jason killing any of the counselors.

Anyway, after she watches the video, a weird symbol appears on Julia’s hand and somehow, all of this leads to Holt and Julia going to the town of Sacrament Valley, which is where Samara was buried after she was retrieved from that well at the end of the first Ring. Julia and Holt do some investigating, which basically means talking to a bunch of overacting character actors with inconsistent Southern accents. The film spends the majority of its time filling in Samara’s backstory, which is kind of pointless since we learned everything that we needed to know about Samara during the first two films. It’s enough to know that she’s a little girl who can pop out of your TV and kill you. She doesn’t really need the Ancestry DNA treatment that she gets from Rings.

Vincent D’Onofrio appears as a reclusive blind man, who might be the key to figuring out whatever’s supposed to be going on. D’Onofrio gives a performance that makes his work on Law and Order: Criminal Intent look subtle and nuanced. Normally, I wouldn’t mind an actor going over the top in a film like this but there’s nothing surprising about D’Onofrio’s character. Even when his big secret was revealed, I shrugged.

Rings is one of those worst movies of 2017, featuring bad acting, bad direction, and totally wasting whatever potential the franchise had left. The dialogue was so bad and the characters were so inconsistent that the movie actually made me angry. It doesn’t even work as a self-reflective parody.

For the sins of Rings, we all deserve to watch this:

Horror Film Review: The Devil Inside (dir by William Brent Bell)

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As a film reviewer, I usually try to introduce my readers to good films that they might otherwise miss. However, sometimes, you see a film that’s so bad, bland, and/or boring that you simply have to speak up to prevent anyone else from wasting their time watching it. And sometimes, you come across a film so bad that, even 3 years after it was first released, you still need to raise the alarm because this film represents everything that has recently cheapened horror as a genre.

The Devil Inside is one such film.

The Devil Inside is yet another horror film that’s disguised as a “found footage” documentary. A camera crew follows Isabella Rossi (Fernanda Andrade) as she wanders around Rome and investigates the rite of exorcism. It seems that Isabella’s mom, Maria, committed a triple homicide 20 years previously and Isabella thinks that Maria’s possessed by a demon. Isabella recruits two priests to perform an exorcism on her mother and — well, the rest of the movie is pretty much a remake of every other horror film that’s been released over the past 20 years. The only surprise comes at the end of the film when a title card appears, inviting the viewers to visit a web site about the Rossi murders so that they can learn more about the “ongoing investigation.” If there was ever a point, during the film, when you actually believed that the story being told was true, that might be an effective ending. However, since the whole films feels false, that title card just feels insulting.

The Devil Inside was one of the first movies to be released in 2012 and, 3 years later, it remains one of the worst ever made. The performances aren’t particularly memorable, the scares are nearly non-existent, and there’s not a thing to be seen in this film that one can’t see in a better horror film. Whereas films like The Last Exorcism, Apollo 18, and the third Paranormal Activity film actually managed to find a new wrinkles to the whole “found footage” genre, The Devil Inside seems to be content to be mediocre, boring, and, worst of all, boring. Perhaps that’s why when I think about The Devil Inside, my immediate response is, “No more!”

No more horror films disguised as documentaries. No more artfully awkward scenes where characters say things like, “Is the camera on?” and “Are you getting this?” Listen, aspiring horror filmmakers — the gimmick no longer works! We know that you didn’t just happen to find this footage sitting in some warehouse somewhere. Don’t end your film by telling us that we should visit some equally fake web site so that we can see more “proof” that what we’ve just seen is real. Just stop it. It was a good gimmick while it lasted but it’s no longer effective. It’s time to discover some new tricks with which to fool your audience.

In short, it’s time for horror filmmakers to stop expecting us to be content with stuff like The Devil Inside.

Film Review: The Magic of the Golden Bear: Goldy III (1994, dir. John Quinn)

Posted on July 17, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Remember when you were a kid and you didn’t have anything else to do so you started flipping through the channels on the TV? You came across a movie that wasn’t necessarily good, but you stopped and watched it anyways. You didn’t have anything else to do. Then you moved on with your life and grew up. Something happens and you remember that movie but can’t for the life of you think of title. So you begin digging around trying to find it. If you’re lucky, you do. An example of that kind of movie for me is Tommy Tricker and the Stamp Traveller (1988). This is one of those movies. A humble movie. I never saw it as a kid, but I think I would remember it. I became aware of it because it showed up on Netflix and said it has Cheech Marin, Mr. T, and a bear. How was I going to resist that?

The movie begins in an Old West town with Jessie (Bonnie Morgan) and her pet bear Goldy. I am no expert on bears, but it puzzles me why they keep referring to it as the last Golden Bear. Well, this bear likes to pay visits to the schoolhouse to get suckers from Jessie, plays dress up, and sometimes goes for a bike ride. No joke. Just look!

It’s that scene that would make this film stick somewhere in your memory if you saw it as a child. With that little bit of comedy to open the film, we are introduced to our characters and situation that needs resolving. There is a man who lives in the wilderness simply referred to as the “ghost man”. Take a wild guess who that is.

Ghost Man (Mr. T)

There are also Borgia (Cheech Marin) and Hugo (Danny Woodburn) who are magician and magician’s assistant respectively. Borgia isn’t doing so good magically and thinks if he can get his hands on the last Golden Bear that things will get better. He’s also a Jedi.

Jedi Mind Trick

Throw in some rednecks and a shooting contest that must be won to save the house and you have Goldy III. Eventually all these people come together and the real problem emerges. The ghost man, who turns out to be named Freedom, realized it from the moment he met Goldy. Goldy ran away scared from him. It’s understandable that a little girl would, but a bear? That shouldn’t happen and Freedom knows it. Goldy has become too human and forgotten how to be a bear. I mean Goldy even takes his punishment for riding the bike by sitting in a corner with a dunce cap on.

Eventually Jessie runs away with Goldy to protect her when the possibility of her being sold arises. She finally gets to be properly introduced to Freedom and he explains why Goldy needs to be set free. After awhile the rest of the folks catch up with them. At this point, Borgia knows he’s been doing bad things and wants to make things right. How? Well, remember he’s a Jedi!

Into The Wild For Goldy

I can’t tell you how this fits in with the previous films because I haven’t seen them. Note, I said films, not the first two movies. That’s because according to IMDb there are two Goldy III movies. I don’t know how that works. Trevor Black is the creator and director of the first two movies and seems to have made a third too. This was then made several years later also as Goldy III. Maybe it’s a remake, but I don’t know. It’s definitely safe for a kid, but this really is the kind of movie they should stumble upon their own. I wouldn’t bring it to them.