Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Season 3 comes to an end as the Tornadoes play in the state championship and Coach Fuller is faced with a big decision about his future. It’s hang time!
Episode 3.25 “The Curfew”
(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 6th, 1997)
The Deering Tornadoes are in the championship tournament! After they arrive at Indiana University or the University of Indiana or Gary Community College or wherever it is that they’re playing, Coach Fuller tells them that they’re under curfew. However, Teddy sneaks out to a sorority party and then the rest of the team sneaks out to bring him back. Then Fuller shows up at the party, looking for his team. Since no one on this show can just do the simple thing and admit to having screwed up, the boys dress up like sorority girls and Julie dresses up like a frat boy and they attempt to sneak back to the dorms. Everyone but Teddy shows up before curfew. When Fuller finds out what happened, he benches Teddy. Even when a player gets injured, Fuller sends in some guy we’ve never seen before and keeps Teddy on the bench. What’s funny is that the player Fuller does send in pauses to dramatically glare at Teddy as he heads out to the court. I wonder if he’s related to the guy from the Fake ID episode, the one who snapped, “I don’t want to let the team down!” when Fuller asked him if he could play despite being injured.
Even though he’s not on the court, Teddy still helps the team by joining the cheerleaders and cheering them on to victory.
This is stupid and the next episode is a lot more interesting. Let’s move on.
Episode 3.26 “Fuller’s Big Offer”
(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 6th, 1997)
The Deering High Tornadoes have a chance to win the state championship but they’re struggling. “The Tornadoes are self-destructing!” the in-game announcer says. Their heads are not in the game!
Well, who can blame them? Coach Fuller has been offered a chance to become the head coach at Southern Florida University. The team is convinced that Fuller is going to leave them after the season ends but, in a rousing locker room speech, he tells them that they can’t worry about what’s going to happen in the future. They have to concentrate on the here and now. Inspired by his words, the Tornadoes take the court and win the championship! Of course, Julie scores the winning point because Julie was the greatest player in the history of basketball. And, of course, the Tornadoes only win by a point because the Tornadoes almost always only won by one point. It just seems like a truly great time wouldn’t always have to come from behind and win by a point.
At the dinner to celebrate the championship, I can’t help but notice that Fuller and all of the starters are there but the rest of the team is nowhere to be seen. It’s hard not to feel bad for the members of the team who never got names or storylines. Not only do they have to spend all of the games sitting on the bench but they also aren’t allowed to attend the championship dinner. Fuller toasts his starters and announces that “All good things must come to an end.” Awww, he’s leaving. Then, Fuller says that he can’t wait to win another championship with the Tornadoes! Yay! He’s not leaving! The season ends with a jubilant team surrounding their coach.
Except, of course, Fuller did leave. Season 4 opened with Fuller in Florida and a new coach in Indiana. We’ll get to that next week.
So, what happened with the finale? Apparently, Reggie Theus left the show because he was offered a real-life coaching job but the offer wasn’t made until after this episode had been filmed. Here’s what I think happened. I can’t prove this but my theory is that the ski lodge and basketball camp episodes were meant to be the final episodes of the season. I think the championship episode was probably supposed to happen before all of that. (The ski lodge episode was taking place during everyone’s vacation, which indicates to me that it was supposed to be happening during the summer break. The whole basketball camp also seems like something that would happen during the summer as opposed to the middle of the school year.) But, when Theus announced he was taking a coaching job, the episodes were rearranged so the season now ended with Fuller getting offered a coaching job. Though the video on YouTube ends with Fuller announcing that he’s going to stay, several commenters say that they can remember that, when the show was originally aired, it ended with Fuller saying, “All good things must come to an end.” That indicates to me that the episode was hastily edited to try to create a cliffhanger, just in case Reggie Theus decided that coaching wasn’t for him.
Regardless of what may or may not have happened behind-the-scenes, this was a strong season ender. In fact, it would have been a perfect way to end the series. After three seasons, it would make sense that most of the characters would be graduating from Deering. (And indeed, Reggie Theus was not the only cast member to depart after season 3.) The show would have ended with everyone together one last time before moving on to even better things. It would have been poignant and sad and it would have have brought tears from even this cynical reviewer.
However, that was not to be. Instead, the show would continue with Julie and Mary Beth somehow still students at Deering High and a new coach stepping into Coach Fuller’s shoes. Next week, we start season 4!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1974’s The Day The Earth Moved! It can be viewed on YouTube!
Sitting in the middle of the Nevada desert, there’s a town called Bates.
Bates was once a thriving community but the years and the hot Nevada winds have not been kind to it. Now, it consists of only a few buildings and a speed trap. Judge Tom Backsler (William Windom) is the most powerful man in this tiny community and he’s determined to return Bates to its former glory. His plan is to open up a Christmas park and to remake Bates as “Santa Claus’s home away from the North Pole.” In order to raise the money for that project, he and the police run an aggressive speed trap. When pilot and photographer Steve Barker (Jackie Cooper) is caught in the speed trap, it turns out that he doesn’t have enough money to pay his fine. So, his car is impounded and he’s put to work, sweeping up the dust and helping to get the Christmas park ready to open.
With the help of friendly little townsgirl, Steve is finally able to escape from Bates and return to his job. He works with his wife, Kate (Stella Stevens), and his best friend, Harley (Cleavon Little), as surveyors. When someone wants to buy a stretch of the Nevada desert, Steve and Harley fly over the land and take pictures. Looking over the latest batch of pictures, Steve deduces that not only is there going to be an earthquake but it’s going to destroy the town of Bates! Can Steve return to the town that once held him prisoner and convince the townspeople to leave with him before disaster hits!?
In many ways, The Day The Earth Moved is a standard made-for-TV disaster flick. Only Steve and Kate realize what’s about to happen and they struggle to get anyone else to believe them. Indeed, it seems like the world is almost conspiring to keep them from warning everyone about the incoming earthquake. The film’s story checks off all of the expected disaster movie plot points. That said, the town of Bates itself — with its gigantic Santa Claus standing in the middle of the desert — is a nicely surreal location and the repeated shots of a deserted farm being gradually destroyed by minor tremors achieve a certain ominous grandeur. Jackie Cooper and Stella Stevens are believable as a husband and wife who love each other despite the fact that they’re often very annoyed with each other. To the film’s credit, William Windom’s character is not portrayed as being a cardboard villain but instead as someone who simply wants to give his neighbors some place decent to live. The Day The Earth Moved is predictable but well-done.
Of course, the main reason anyone will have to watch this film will be for the earthquake. Unfortunately, this is where viewers will run into a common problem that has afflicted many made-for-TV movies. The low-budget earthquake is just not that impressive. For all the scenes of people yelling, it’s always pretty obvious that the camera is doing most of the shaking. But you know what? It’s a made-for-TV movie from 1974. Cut it some slack and just go with it.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Jake learns an important lesson about how ruthless and heartless the music business actually is. Meanwhile, Sly is forced to defend a lifetime of bad ethical choices.
Episode 4.5 “Fallen Idol”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 14th, 1995)
Never meet your idols!
Jake learns that lesson the hard way when his hero, faded rock star Zane Walker (Julian Stone), wanders into Sharky’s. Jake is stunned to see Zane. Jake is overjoyed when Zane agrees to listen to the Dreams play. And Jake is stunned when Zane steals Jake’s latest song and releases his own version of it. The song becomes a hit in record time. (Apparently, it only took about a week for Zane to steal the song, record it, and then release it.) Jake and the Dreams crash Zane’s press conference, with Jake still convinced that Zane is going to give Jake credit for writing the song. Instead, Zane smirks and takes all the credit for himself. Tiffani and Sly suggest suing Zane. Jake replies that it’s not about the song. He can write a hundred good songs. But he’ll never get another idol….
Wow, what a depressing episode! I mean, Jay Anthony Franke really poured his heart into his performance and it’s good that the show taught kids about the importance of copyright laws but still…. let’s move on to something happier.
Episode 4.6 “Defending Sly’s Life”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 21st, 1995)
The episode opens in a court room. All of the Dreams are in costume. Sam is a court reporter. Jake is a judge. Tiffani and Tony are lawyers. Poor Mark and Lorena are forced to wear unflattering bailiff’s uniforms. Meanwhile, Sly is wearing an orange jumpsuit because apparently, he’s on trial for being the most greedy, selfish guy on Earth. Tony is his lawyer. Tiffani is the prosecutor.
Is this a dream?
No, it’s a clip show. Each member of the Dreams testifies about how Sly has been both a bad and a good friend. Why are they in court? It’s never really explained and I actually appreciated that. It was a nice break from the usual “Remember that time that we played Sharky’s?” format of most clip shows. Interestingly enough, we even get clips from the first two seasons despite the fact that there’s no way Sam, Lorena, and Mark could have remembered any of that stuff. But at least the show is acknowledging that Matt Garrison and his sister used to be members of the Dreams.
(If I may briefly go off-topic, I always found it weird that, after Matt left, the Dreams went on without him. I mean, Matt started the band. He named the band! Was he okay with the Dreams continuing to perform his songs and under the name he came up with even after he left? Did Jake and the other band members even ask? After he moved, they could have at least come up with a new name for themselves. I would have suggested something like Jake Sommers and Funtime Quartet.)
Anyway, after all the Dreams testify about all of the sneaky things that he’s done, Sly testifies about the time that he helped Tiffani get off the steroids that he had previously given her. Apparently, that’s enough to convince Judge Jake to rule that Sly is not the most selfish person on Earth and Sly is allowed to go free. What would have happened if Sly had been found guilty? Who knows? I just like the fact that this totally weird episode came out of nowhere and will probably never be mentioned again. This is something that you won’t ever see on City Guys or One World!
Next week, the recently acquitted Sly is rude to multiple people, therefore proving that Jake shouldn’t have been the judge.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!
This week, Marcia’s getting married!
Episode 1.7
(Dir by Jack Regas, originally aired on April 4th, 1977)
We open, as always, with the Kroftettes doing a line dance in front of the pool. The announcer introduces the Brady Bunch and informs us that this week’s guest stars include Rip Taylor, Redd Foxx and The Ohio Players. The audience goes wild.
The Brady Bunch comes out, all dressed in red. They sing a song called Celebrate. It’s not the Celebrate Good Times Come On song. Instead, the lyrics are like, “I want to celebrate another good day blah blah blah.” According to Wikipedia, this song was originally recorded in 1968 by Three Dog Night. So, this song was only nine years old when the Bradys performed it. Considering that the Bradys usually performed the greatest hits of the 20s and 30s, that’s actually kind of amazing. That said, the family is so off-key and look so nervous while going through their very simple dance moves, you’ll want to celebrate when the song ends.
Of course, you may want to reconsider that reaction when you realize that the end of the song leads to the Bradys bantering. Cindy, proving herself once again to be the dumbest member of the family, asks, “What are we celebrating!?” with all the frantic energy of someone trying to figure out how to disarm a bomb.
“We’re back with another Brady Bunch hour!” Carol declares.
“YEAH!” the Brady Bunch children yell.
Mike announces that their special guest star tonight is “one of our daughter’s favorites, the star of Welcome Back Kotter–” TRAVOLTA? — “Robert Hegyes!” Oh. Well, he’s probably cool too. I’ve never seen Welcome Back Kotter. Fake Jan announces that the Ohio Players will be providing music. Peter says that “our good friend, Rip Taylor!” is in the studio. Greg announces that the Kroftettes and the Water Follies are going to be on the show. (They’re on the show every week, Greg.)
Suddenly, the notoriously profane nightclub comic, Redd Foxx, wanders out on stage and announces that he is going to have his own variety show, “right here on ABC.” Redd says that he’s going to hang around and watch everyone so that he can get ideas for “The Redd Foxx Comedy Hour.” Redd leaves the stage fairly quickly and I don’t blame him.
After we return from commercial, the Bradys sing If They Could See Me Now while dressed up as a wind-up dolls, complete with big keys sticking out of their backs.
Rip Taylor and Ann B. Davis come out on stage and start to awkwardly trade jokes about whether or not Rip was ever a young man. (Apparently, Ann B. Davis was very religious and Rip Taylor was very ribald and, as a result, Ann only spoke to Rip when they were onstage together.) The skit is interrupted by Redd Foxx, who comes out, insults Rip Taylor’s sideburns, and tells them to just go to the flashback showing what happened earlier this week.
We cut to the Brady Compound. Cindy and Bobby are arguing because, while they were out roller skating, Cindy met a guy but Bobby thinks the guy is a creep. Bobby told the guy to back off and then says he can’t understand why anyone would want to talk to Cindy or why Cindy would want to talk to them.
“Our little girl is becoming a woman,” Mike says, in a line that is not at all creepy.
Alice the Maid enters the living room and refuses to tell Mike where she’s been for the past few hours. Mike finds it amusing that his mad thinks that she can have a personal life. It turns out that she was hanging out with Jackie Merrill. Apparently, she and Jackie are a couple now, despite the fact that Jackie is Rip Taylor. Whatever happened to Sam the Butcher? For that matter, why is Alice even in Hollywood? Just because Mike decided to ruin his children’s lives by producing a variety show, does that mean Alice’s life has to be ruined as well?
Fake Jan comes into the living room and complains that she doesn’t have a boyfriend to drive her around. Her parents tell her to stop crying and accept that she’s the middle child.
Greg comes in the living room and worries that Marcia is acting a little weird. He mentions that Marcia is going out with some new guy, which takes Mike and Carol by surprise. Marcia finally enters the living room and announces that she wants her parents to meet her new boyfriend. She explains that he’s totally soulful and vulnerable and poetic.
“It’s either got to be Walter Cronkite or David Bowie,” Carol says.
Nope, it’s Winston Beaumont, played by tonight’s special guest star, Robert Hegyes.
After Winston flashes a peace sign and elaborately shakes everyone’s hands, Marcia announces that she and Winston are engaged.
“Whoa!” the audience says in unison.
We then cut to a cemetery, where Greg, Fake Jan, and Marcia sing Southern Nights. It’s actually a good song for Greg and Marcia’s limited vocal range. That said, Fake Jan’s voice is so good that it serves to remind the viewer of how vocally limited everyone else on the show (except for Florence Henderson) actually was.
We cut to Cindy asking Peter if he thinks that she’s pretty. Peter tells her that she’s totally awesome and that he would totally go out with her if she was a little older and if she wasn’t his sister. Technically, Cindy is only his stepsister but still …. ick! Redd Foxx comes out and asks how things are going with Winston. “Watch this!” Peter says.
Cut to the Brady Compound, where Mike and Carol ask Marcia and Winston what they mean by engaged. Marcia says they’re going to get married. Winston says Marcia is totally outrageous. “Hate is a four-letter word, man,” Winston says. And it’s true! Greg sits in the corner of the living room and stews. I guess it makes sense that Greg would be angry. Greg couldn’t even handle moving out of the house for two days and now, Marcia is getting married!
Mike says that he and Carol need to think all of this over. You can think about it all you want, Mike. Marcia’s over eighteen and can marry anyone she wants. Winston and Greg leave the living room and Mike tells Marcia that she’s not getting married. “I don’t want him to be my son-in-law,” Mike says. Marcia announces that she’s going to marry Winston whether they like it or not. “Whoa!” the audience says.
The next day, at the breakfast table, Alice tells Mike and Carol that sometimes, it’s hard to understand what people see in each other. Carol, in typical Brady fashion, responds to Alice’s attempted kindness by giving her a hard time about dating Mr. Merrill. On cue, Mr. Merrill stops by to see Alice and, misinterpreting the conversation, accuses Carol and Mike of trying to break up him and Alice. This leads to three minutes of Rip Taylor shouting, which somehow also leads to Mike and Carol deciding that they need to get to know their future son-in-law. Mercifully, the scene ends and the show goes to commercial. Since this show aired in 1977, it was probably a disco-themed car commercial starring California Governor Jerry Brown and the future king of England.
“And Jerry, it’s got more torque and handling than the average truck. Now, let’s boogie!”
We return to Mike and Carol standing on stage and introducing the second half of the show.
“In case you just joined us….” Carol starts.
“You should be ashamed of yourself! You’re half-an-hour late!” Mike snaps.
Redd Foxx walks out on stage and asks Mike why he doesn’t like Winston.
“Would you like your daughter to marry a mellow cat!?” Mike demands.
This is a weird episode.
Anyway, we then cut to the Brady Compound, where Greg is whining that Winston refuses to play beach volleyball because “he says sand has feelings!” It turns out that the entire family, except for Marcia and Peter, dislikes Winston. Marcia, of course, loves Winston because he’s her man. Peter likes Winston because Winston is apparently a baseball fan. Peter evens tells Marcia about how Winston was talking to a girl in “a tiny bikini” about baseball.
(Random sidenote: Winston should meet my sister!)
Marcia realizes that she and Winston have never discussed baseball. She also says that she just now noticed that Winston seems to agree with everything that he hears. She accuses him on being a phony. “I’m Marcia,” she snaps, “but who are you?” (Actually, you’re Maureen McCormick and you’re on a show pretending to be a part of an imaginary family.) Marcia dumps Winston so I guess that storyline magically resolved itself.
The show cuts to Greg and Peter standing by the pool. Peter tells Greg to just get it over with and push him into the pool. Peter seems to be so traumatized by the whole pool thing that it’s hard not to feel that Greg is one of the world’s greatest monsters. Peter ends up jumping into the pool himself, just to get it over with. Redd Foxx comes out and announces that he will be stealing the pool gag for his show but instead, it’s going to be a pool table. Redd then says, “I take care of my brothers,” before shoving Greg in the pool.
Redd introduces a band called The Ohio Players. The Ohio Players are best-known for a song called Love Rollercoaster but, on this show, they perform a song called Fire, which I immediately recognized as the theme song from Hell’s Kitchen.
We then cut to Florence Henderson singing her song of the week. This time, she sings How Lucky Can You Get? from Funny Lady. It’s not a bad performance. Florence could sing and this song is a good one for her somewhat overdramatic style. That said, Florence Henderson is no Ohio Player.
Redd Foxx comes out on stage and says, “Don’t tell the Bradys but I’m going to split now.” I don’t blame you, Redd. Redd admits that he’s not sure if he can do a Brady-style of show. “I can’t smile all the time,” Redd says. Redd also says he’s not sure if he can handle having six white folks on his show. Redd goes on to say that he can’t do any silly stories on his show, “like that thing about Marcia wanting to marry that dude.” Redd assures the audience, “The Redd Foxx isn’t going to look like the Brady Bunch Hour” and then walks off stage.
(According to the imbd, The Redd Foxx Comedy Hour was renamed Redd Foxx and aired in September of 1977. One more episode followed in 1978 and then the show was canceled. Among Redd’s guests were comedian Andy Kaufman and anti-gay rights activist Anita Bryant.)
It’s time for the finale! The Bradys stand on stage, holding flowers. Greg bitches that Marcia got a dozen roses while he got one crummy carnation. (Gee, I can’t imagine why Redd Foxx didn’t want to stick around for this.) Peter points out that he doesn’t even have a flower. “I’ve got a crummy onion!” Carol explains that he’s actually holding tulip bulb and Peter asks if Thomas Edison invited the tulip and WILL YOU GUYS JUST START THE GOT DANG FINALE!?
The finale music starts and the Bradys run off the stage in a panic.
Check out the finale for yourself! Some things just need to be seen.
This episode was actually not as painful as some of the previous ones, as the Brady banter was kept to a minimum and the Ohio Players performance of Fire definitely livened things up. The Bradys are still pretty annoying but at least Redd Foxx was there to assure us that he found them to be annoying too. Interestingly enough, the idea of Marcia Brady marrying a free-spirited mellow dude was reused in The Brady Brides. So, even though The Brady Bunch Hour has been deemed non-canonical by most Brady scholars (*snicker*), perhaps this show did have some influence on the Bunch’s future after all.
Next week, it’s the episode I’ve been waiting for. It’s …. DISCO NIGHT!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Oh, Hell, it’s that time of week, isn’t it? It’s time to watch City Guys.
Episode 4.2 “The Users”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 23rd, 2000)
It’s midterm time!
Wasn’t it midterm time two episodes ago? And the episode before that? And maybe even before that? My point is that Manny High seems to have a lot of midterms. I mean, when I was in high school and college, you only took midterms once per semester because you could only be halfway through once. Manny High has midterms every week!
Chris and Jamal are not only worried about passing their midterms. They’re also concerned about what to do with Jasper, who is their new techie at the student radio station. Jasper is very friendly and a very exuberant and very annoying. Chris and Jamal feel that he’s trying too hard to be edgy and street and that’s really saying something when you consider that Chris and Jamal are the two biggest phonies not named Al at Manny High. Jasper also appears to be in his 30s but he swears that he’s a student and that he’s got a straight-A average. Chris and Jamal befriend Jasper so that he’ll tutor them but, when they get a chance to score an internship with a bigtime radio DJ, Chris and Jamal conspire to keep Jasper from finding out. (Oh my God, they’re just using Jasper! They’re users! The episode’s title makes sense!) After sending Jamal across town to pick up a fictional lunch order, Chris does his crappy Homer Simpson impersonation and the DJ is so impressed that it’s suddenly easy to understand why people eventually stopped listening to the radio. Unfortunately, Jasper makes his way to back to the radio station earlier than expected, finds out about the internship, and gets his feelings hurt. Realizing that they are the two worst people in the world, Chis and Jamal apologize to him.
“Yo yo, Jas,” Jamal says, “We didn’t mean to diss you, man.”
“Yeah,” Chris says, “we decided to give you some props.”
Yeah, guys, Jasper is definitely the one who is trying too hard….
(I am dramatically rolling my eyes.)
Anyway, Chris, Jamal, and Jasper all get the internship but, fortunately, it’s a summer internship so I guess we won’t actually have to watch any of the undoubtedly wacky adventures that they’ll have together.
Meanwhile, Ms. Noble is yelling at everyone. You would think that this would lead to all the students finally figuring out that their principal is not their friends but instead, Dawn, Cassidy, and Al discover that Ms. Noble is having man trouble and they decide to fix things between her and her boyfriend. (Her boyfriend, by the way, is the same guy that Ms. Noble had nostalgia sex with last week.) It turns out that her boyfriend has been working late every night because he’s been trying to save up enough money to buy Ms. Noble an engagement ring. He proposes to her at the crappy diner where all the students hang out. The audience goes crazy. Cassidy and Dawn get tears in their eyes. People — SHE’S THE PRINCIPAL! NOBODY IN HISTORY OF HIGH SCHOOL HAS EVER CARED THIS MUCH ABOUT THEIR PRINCIPAL!
God, this show is annoying. Let’s move on!
Episode 4.3 “Cheat Happens”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 30th, 2000)
Mid-terms are over and it’s time for finals. We’re only three episodes into the series and it’s already time for finals? What the heck? Anyway, Jamal says he’s not worried about his chemistry final because “this brother’s all about chemistry.” Plus, Jamal says, “Jamal ain’t down with summer school.”
“Bam! Bam! Bam!” Chris later shouts, as he turns in his final. Chris is feeling confident because he and Jamal made cheat sheets for the final. Even though they lost the cheat sheets, Chris and Jamal apparently learned everything about Chemistry while making them. Unfortunately, it turns out that they accidentally put the cheat sheets in L-Train’s textbook and when Ms. Noble spots the sheets, she accuses L-Train of cheating. When L-Train refuses to confess to cheating, Ms. Noble announces that the entire class will have to retake the test. Everyone blames L-Train. Chris and Jamal are the worst human beings ever.
That said, Chris and Jamal may be terrible but at least they know how to host a radio show. On the other hand, when Dawn and Cassidy demand to be allowed to host their own radio show, they totally blow it. I guess telling terrible jokes and doing lame impersonations is a lot more difficult than it looks. Luckily, Dawn and Cassidy get a second chance and, by making fun of the boys, they’re a success! Yay! I don’t know what the future episodes of this show may hold but I have a feeling that we will never again hear a word about Dawn and Cassidy’s radio show.
Anyway, after L-Train nearly gets into a fight trying to defend his honor, Chris and Jamal confess and Ms. Noble replies, “I’ll see you in summer school!” So, I guess that internship’s off! That’ll teach Chris and Jamal to be honest.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, Julie’s parents set sail on The Love Boat!
Episode 2.3 “Rocky/Julie’s Dilemma/Who’s Who?”
(Dir by Allen Baron and Roger Duchowny, originally aired on September 23rd, 1978)
Julie is super-excited because her parents, Bill (Norman Fell) and Martha (Betty Garrett), are going to be on this cruise. Her parents, meanwhile, are only slightly excited about seeing where Julie works and getting to see all of the members of the crew. They would perhaps be more excited if not for the fact that they’re planning on getting a divorce as soon as the cruise is over. They haven’t told Julie, of course. In fact, they tell Captain Stubing before they tell Julie. Why would they tell someone whom they’ve only know for ten minutes before they would tell their own daughter? What awful parents!
When they do eventually tell Julie, she has an emotional breakdown and runs through the corridors of the ship, sobbing. Listen, I’ve been there. When my parents told me that they were getting divorced, I had a difficult time with it as well. Of course, I was twelve years old, whereas Julie is in her late 20s. Still, it’s never easy. Fortunately, Julie realizes that her parents still love each other so she just sets them up with different people on the boat so that they can get jealous and fall back in love. And it works! Julie’s parents get back together….
Which is nice, I guess. I mean, one doesn’t watch The Love Boat because one wants to see a realistic story about the complexities of love and marriage. Still, the show made it look so simple that it got on my nerves. It’s not that simple and any actual child of divorce can tell you that. Again, it’s The Love Boat so perhaps I shouldn’t judge too harshly but I would have had so much more respect for the show if Bill and Martha had told Julie that they were still getting a divorce at the end of the cruise. It would have been a lot more honest than presenting a story where a marriage can be saved by wishful thinking.
While Julie was trying to save her parent’s marriage and prevent several years of awkward holidays, a young girl named Rocky (Melissa Gilbert) was developing her first crush on a boy named Norman (Jimmy Baio). It was actually a sweet little story and both Melissa Gilbert and Jimmy Baio gave likable performances. When Rocky learned that her family would be moving after the cruise, she was upset until she learned that their new home would be in El Paso, which was also where Norman and his family lived. Again, it was simple but sweet. And it went along well with the divorce storyline. While one relationship nearly ended, another began.
Finally, in the silliest story of the week, TV network censor Pat (Dody Goodman) boards the ship and is told that she will be sharing a cabin with Marion Atkins. That’s fine with Pat. Her main concern is making sure that nothing shocking or sordid happens on the cruise. However, it turns out that Marion Atkins (played by James Coco) is actually a guy! Fortunately, Marion turns out to be just as puritanical as Pat. He even brings a bunch of pamphlets on chastity with him for the cruise. Pat and Marion first meet while wandering around the ship and they fall very chastely in love. Since their morals forbid them from following each other to their cabin, they somehow manage to go nearly the entire cruise without realizing that they are living together. When they do realize that they’re cabinmates, they resolve to get married as soon as the boat docks. This whole story was just incredibly dumb and not in a fun way either. Obviously, The Love Boat was taking a swipe at the same network censors who probably insisted that the show be relatively discreet about what was going on behind the closed doors of the ship’s cabins. But Pat and Marion were both so incredibly clueless that it was hard to care about them one way or the other.
This was a bit of uneven episode but, in the end, the boat still looked like a fun place on which to hang out and work. And really, that’s the important thing.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Smiles everyone! Smiles!
Episode 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”
(Dir by Georg Stanford Brown, Originally aired on December 2nd, 1978)
Tattoo has come up with a new way to become a millionaire! He’s invented a sleeping bag that he claims can hold two people. Mr. Roarke is a bit skeptical that the small roll of material that Tattoo is holding could possibly be big enough to hold two people. Tattoo tells him that all he has to do is remove a key and the material will inflate. Roarke removes the key and several feathers explode into the air. Tattoo shrugs and says that he obviously has to get back to the drawing board.
“Inventor indeed,” Mr. Roarke says, in a tone that suggests that the only he reason he’s not physically killing Tattoo is because it’s time for them to greet their guests.
(Why is Tattoo always trying to make extra money? Does Fantasy Island not pay well?)
This week, the fantasies are all about reliving the past. Charlie Parks (Phil Silvers) and Will Fields (Phil Harris) used to be stars on Vaudeville but, like so many of the old time entertainers, they’ve now found themselves forgotten. Charlie’s even been put in a nursing home. Still, he manages to make the trip to Fantasy Island, where his fantasy is to be reunited with Will so that they can try to bring Vaudeville back to life.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work. Tattoo loves their corny old jokes but when they perform for a larger audience, they only get a few pity chuckles. Dejected, Charlie plans to return to his retirement home when he and Will are approached by a man who claims that he works for the city of Baltimore. (Oh no! Run!) The man explains that he wants to hire Charlie and Will to perform at nursing homes, where their old-fashioned routines will enliven the golden years of people who don’t like loud music and R-rated movies. Charlie and Will agree. Yay!
Meanwhile, Dorothy Weller (Carol Lynley) is a woman who has spent the past few months in a coma. Now, she’s not sure if the man she thought she loved really existed or if he was just someone she dreamed up while she was in the hospital. Mr. Roarke arranges for her to travel to a recreation of the same Mexican town where she met the mystery man. She finds her former lover, Tom Parnell (Stuart Whitman), on the beach. Tom explains that he is real and he is in love with her. He’s also a spy and there’s an international assassin (an appropriately sinister Luke Askew) after him!
This episode was kind of a mixed bag. The Vaudeville fantasy featured charming performances from Phil Silvers and Phil Harris but their jokes were never quite as funny as Tattoo seemed to think that they were. The spy fantasy was not helped by the casting of the reliably dull Stuart Whitman but the story itself was intriguing and Carol Lynley gave a believable and emotional performance as Dorothy. The end result was a thoroughly pleasant but not altogether memorable trip to Fantasy Island. But really, when it comes to Fantasy Island, hasn’t the appeal always been just how pleasant everything is?
Well, except for the relationship between Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, of course. I still suspect Tattoo is secretly plotting to kill Mr. Roarke and take over the island. Who knows? Maybe that’ll be a future episode. We’ll find out soon!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Please, oh please, let the whole basketball camp thing be over with….
Episode 3.23 “Twister”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 29th, 1997)
At Coach Fuller’s basketball camp….
OH GOD, WE’RE STILL DOING THIS CAMP CRAP!
Anyway, the episode opens with Fuller telling his counselor that the camp is nearly finished — YAY! — and that he’s going to be leaving the counselors in charge of the kids while he goes to the airport to pick up a special guest. However, the counselors have won tickets to a concert. They decide to violate Coach Fuller’s number one rule by taking the campers to the pizza parlor and leaving them there while the counselors take turns going to the concert. Coach will never find out, right?
Speaking of stupidity, Fuller also gives Mary Beth a priceless antique quarter to keep safe. The quarter is worth $50,000. Of course, Vince uses the quarter to get a Coke. So, while the other counselors abandon the kids in a strange pizza parlor, Mary Beth and Vince try to get the quarter out of a vending machine.
Now, you’re probably already guessing that Fuller comes back early. Accompanied by someone who I assume what a member of the WNBA, Fuller stops off at the pizza place. Kristy and Teddy see him pulling up and, in a panic, they rush the kids out through the back door and head back to camp. Unfortunately, a tornado also happens to show up and….
EVERYONE DIES!
No, actually, everyone survives. But, at the same time, they learn a valuable lesson about not allowing themselves to be conned into working as camp counselors by their high school basketball coach. And hopefully, their coach learned a lesson about giving too much authority to a bunch of teenagers who, over the course of 50 episodes, have repeatedly screwed up even the simplest of tasks.
The good thing is that the tornado pretty much destroys the camp so I guess that’s over with now.
Episode 3.24 “Goodnight, Vince”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 29th, 1997)
Yay! We’re back at Deering High! Once again, the team just needs to win one more game to go the state championships but Vince has missed his last few free throws and is suffering from a crisis of confidence. Will he recover? Of course, he does. He takes a nap and has a dream where he sees the future and is reminded that losing one game is not the end of the world. Actually, that’s not a bad message at all. After all the nonsense with the ski lodge and the basketball camp, it’s nice to see a simple episode of Hang Time that actually has something decent to say.
That said, this is a bit of an odd episode in that Julie and Michael do not appear to be dating (indeed, Michael talks about how he can’t wait to hit on the college girls at the state championship). For that matter, Mary Beth is not at all concerned that Vince is having a meltdown and she and Kristy are back to acting like ditzes. My guess is that this episode was probably written and filmed at the start of the season, before the writers decided to turn Julie & Michael and Vince & Mary Beth into couples. It’s not quite as bad as that season of One World where Cray’s age (and height) changed from episode-to-episode but it’s still a bit jarring for those of us who have been paying attention.
But, in the end, continuity be damned. The Tornadoes are going to the state championship!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1973’s Linda! It can be viewed on YouTube!
If nothing else, Linda has a wonderfully opening.
Two couples are on the beach. Paul Reston (Ed Nelson) is talking to Anne Braden (Mary-Robin Redd) about his troubled marriage and his plans to leave his wife. Paul’s wife, Linda (Stella Stevens), is talking to Jeff Braden (John Saxon) and looking at the rifle that he’s just handed her. It doesn’t take long to notice that Paul and Linda seem to be closer, respectively, to Anne and Jeff than to each other.
When Anne stands up and walks toward the ocean, Linda shoots her in the back. When Jeff runs over to Anne’s body, Linda pulls the trigger again and Jeff collapses. Stunned by his wife’s actions, Paul runs back to his car and drives into town to get the police. (This is another one of those movies that could have only been made in the pre-smartphone era.) When Paul and the police return, they find Anne’s body but Jeff and Linda are nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly, Linda and Jeff come walking down the beach. Jeff is carrying a bunch of fish and a fishing pole. They look shocked when they see the police. Then, when Jeff sees Anne’s body, he accuses Paul of killing her and attacks him. Paul is arrested and taken to jail.
As I said, it’s a wonderful opening, full of twists and entertaining overemoting. In fact, it’s so good that it’s difficult for the rest of the film to keep up. After being charged with Anne’s murder, Paul hires a folksy attorney named Marshall Journeyman (John McIntire). Unlike everyone else, Journeyman believes Paul’s story that he’s being framed by Jeff and Linda. Journeyman sets out to prove that Paul is innocent.
Of course, the audience already know that Paul is innocent because the audience saw exactly what happened. Watching the film, it was hard for me to not to feel that the story would have benefitted by a little more ambiguity as to whether or not Paul was a victim or if he truly was the delusional madman that both Linda and Jeff tried to paint him as being. We know from the start what Jeff and Linda are doing so the only question really becomes how Journeyman is going to trick them into revealing the truth. Unfortunately, even getting them to do that turns out to be a bit too easy. The movie suggests that Journeyman is a brilliant investigator but, in the end, it all really just comes down to the villains not being very smart.
That said, the film’s cast does a good job. Ed Nelson is sympathetic as the confused husband and John McIntire brings so much homespun charm to Journeyman that I got the feeling that this film was probably designed to be a pilot for a possible series. Best of all, John Saxon and Stella Stevens play the scheming couple. Saxon gets to wear a swimsuit and dramatically shout to the Heavens as he pretends to be shocked over Anne’s murder. Stevens smirks at every question and accusation and appears to be having a great time playing an old school femme fatale. The cast makes this movie worth it.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Surf dudes with attitudes….
Episode 4.3 “Principal Tiffani”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 30th, 1995)
Earl Boen returns as Principal Blumford! The last two times that Blumford appeared, he was given dialogue that deliberately harkened back to his days of appearing in the first two Terminator films. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen here but Principal Tiffani is still an important Blumford episode because this is the episode where it becomes clear that Tiffani and Blumford are having a secret affair.
Seriously, how else do you explain Blumford’s decision to appoint Tiffani to the role of “student principal?” In fact, I’m not even sure that there is such a thing as the student principal program, despite the fact that both Saved By The Bell and California Dreams did episodes about it. It just doesn’t make any sense. Why would a student be put in charge of the school for a week? In this episode, Blumford not only names Tiffani as student principal but he also expects her to run the school during mid-terms week. I mean, shouldn’t Tiffani be studying for her mid-terms? And why make Tiffani principal as opposed to someone who actually wants the job?
I think we all know the answer.
At first, Tiffani struggles with her new position. No one will listen to her. Then her other boyfriend, Jake, gives her a lesson in how to yell at people. Tiffani takes his lessons to heart and goes mad with power, handing out detentions and forcing troublemakers to stand in the corner of her office in time-out. Eventually, the entire school rebels and, on cut day, Tiffani discovers that the halls are completely deserted.
The entire school goes to Sharky’s, of course. The Dreams, minus Tiffani, perform. I imagine there’s nothing better than getting hired for a sweet cut day gig. Eventually, Tiffani and Blumford show up at Sharky’s but Tiffani has learned to not be such a martinet so she lies and says that students had her permission to go to Sharky’s. She then orders all of them to start studying, which they do.
Blumford pretends to fooled by Tiffani but, obviously, he knows what’s really going on. Technically, Blumford could have gotten in trouble for giving an important role like student principal to someone who was obviously unqualified for the job but the hearts wants what the heart wants.
This was a very romantic episode.
Episode 4.4 “The Dateless Game”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 7th, 1995)
Speaking of romance, it’s time for Jake and Tiffani’s first anniversary! They’ve only been dating for 2 episodes but whatever. Everyone acts like they’ve been together forever. (Actually, Lorena specifically says that Tiffani and Jake have been a thing for 3 months.)
However, before Jake can celebrate their anniversary, he decides help Sly and Mark out with their plan to take part in a charity dating game. When the third bachelor fails to show up for the event, Jake agrees to take the stage with Sly and Mark. Of course, despite his best efforts to pretend to be a shallow burn-out, Jake wins and it turns out his date is scheduled for the night of his anniversary! Instead of just coming clean to Tiffani, Jake attempts to go on both dates at the same time. That was a pretty dumb idea on Jake’s part and it helps to explain why Tiffani has been cheating with Blumford.
Needless to say, Jake’s dumbass plan explodes in his face. Fortunately, the Dreams know how to fix the situation, They hold a dating game of their own so that Jake and Tiffani can see that they belong together. Tony is the host and William James Jones totally throws himself into the performance. For some reason, the fake dating game is held at Sharky’s. As far as I could tell, no one was ordering food during the dating game. If Sharky’s goes out of business, blame it on the Dreams and their constant drama.
These two episodes felt very much like they belonged more on Saved By The Bell than California Dreams but no matter! This cast long ago proved that they had the chemistry necessary to transcend even mundane material and that’s certainly what happens here. Jake and Tiffani forgive each other and the audiences says, “Awwww!’ but somewhere, Principal Blumford’s heart is breaking.
Through the Shattered Lens 