The filmParty Monster, which I just reviewed, was a very bad version of the somewhat interesting true story of how Michael Alig went from being a New York nightlight celebrity to a convicted murderer. One of the biggest problems with the film was Macauley Culkin’s dull performance as Alig.
As bonus to my review of Party Monster, here’s a 1994 episode of — ugh — Geraldo, featuring Alig, the Club Kids, and the soon-to-be-deceased Angel. Alig and his club kids still come across as if they’re trying way too hard to be outrageous (they’re the ultimate conforming nonconformists) and I will warn you that watching this clip will mean spending 44 minutes with one of the most fatuous media personalities in American history. But still, this episode does feature a look at the story that Party Monster totally screwed up. Just two years after this episode aired, Alig would kill Angel and dismember him in a bathtub.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!
This week, on Degrassi Junior High, Caitlin Ryan gets her first spotlight episode!
Episode 1.6 “Rumor Has It”
(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on February 22nd, 1987)
This week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High started the long and proud tradition of certain Degrassi episodes not being aired outside of Canada because of their content. In this case, several stations in the US and the the BBC in the UK declined to air this episode because it dealt with Caitlin having dreams about her teacher, Ms. Avery (Michelle Goodeve). Becuase Ms. Avery is rumored to be a lesbian, Caitlin starts to get nervous about what her dreams mean and whether she will also be the subject of rumors and whispers. This episode was not only the first Degrassi episode to not air in some markets but it was also the first one to focus on Caitlin who, as played by Stacie Mistysyn, would go on to become one the key figures in the franchise.
(Interestingly enough, this is also the first episode of Degrassi Junor High to not feature Joey, outside of a few scenes where he’s in the background. It’s perhaps for the best. Middle school Joey does not seem like he would be quite as sensitive about Caitlin’s feelings as adult Joey would have been on Degrassi: The Next Generation.)
For an episode that apparently quite controversial, this episode seems remarkably tame today. Indeed, half of the episode doesn’t even deal with Caitlin and her dreams but instead features Arthur and Yick following around Rick because they’re convinced that Rick stole a hundred dollars from Yick’s locker and then used it to buy a big bag of black licorice. Arthur, who dreams of either becoming a cop or at least heading up a neighborhood watch, even brings an oversized magnifying class so that he can investigate the crime. Arthur and Yick follow Rick everywhere, watching as he forced his big bag of black licorice on everyone he meets. Rick claims that he won a hundred dollars in the lottery. If you won a hundred dollars, would you waste it on a bag of black licorice? Then again, if you stole a hundred dollars from someone’s locker, would you waste it on a bag of black licorice? And seriously, who likes black licorice anyway? I mean, is life in Toronto so boring and unsatisfying that black licorice is actually the only thing that people have to look forward to? For that matter, Rick was introduced as the brooding delinquent who never smiled or talked to anyone. Since when does he care if everyone has black licorice? (This really does sound more like something Joey would have done.) Eventually, Rick gets tired of Arthur and Yick following him around and tells them to leave him alone or risk getting beat up. Immediately afterwards, Yick finds the missing money. It turns out that it was in the locker all the time!
Meanwhile, Caitlin is haunted by a dream in which Ms. Avery, her favorite teacher, calls her to the front of the class and praises her classwork. Suddenly, Caitlin is aware that all of her classmates are whispering about how both she and Ms. Avery must be lesbians. Caitlin wakes up, shaken.
The next day, at school, mean girl Kathleen lists all of the evidence that has convinced her that Ms. Avery is a lesbian. (It’s not a surprise that Kathleen is the one spreading the rumor.) Ms. Avery is unmarried. Ms. Avery does not have a boyfriend. In fact, the only man that Ms. Avery is ever seen talking to is Mr. Raditch and apparently, no one can imagine the idea of anyone ever dating Mr. Raditch. Ms. Avery is given a ride to school every day by a woman and, one day, Kathleen swears that she saw Ms. Avery and the woman kiss each other on the cheek.
Despite the fact that Kathleen and Caitlin have nothing in common and should, by all logic, hate each other, Caitlin still invites Kathleen to a sleep-over at her place. Kathleen, Susie Rivera, Melanie, and Caitlin spend their time prank calling teachers. When Caitlin calls Ms. Avery, she’s surprised when a woman answers and she quickly hangs up. It is, to be honest, the lamest sleep over ever.
Because Caitlin refuses to join in the rumor-mongering about Ms. Avery, Kathleen tells Susie that she should stop hanging out with her because Caitlin might be a lesbian and soon, everyone will think the same of Susie. When Susie tells Caitlin what people are saying, Caitlin freaks out. The next day, when Ms. Avery attempts to put her hand on Caitlin’s shoulder while praising her latest essay, Caitlin asks Ms. Avery not to touch her. Ms. Avery tells Caitlin to speak to her after class.
After class, Caitlin tells Ms. Avery that people think she might be a lesbian. Ms. Avery asks what evidence they have and then she explains that being single doesn’t make you a lesbian and neither does having a roommate and neither does sharing an innocent peck on the cheek with a friend. Ms. Avery and Caitlin step outside of the school together and …. hey, it’s Mr. Raditch, waiting to give Ms. Avery a ride home!
Sensitive by 1987 standards and tame by today’s standard, this episode cops out a little at the end by saying, “Ms. Avery’s sexuality is no one’s business …. but, by the way, she’s definitely not a lesbian.” Stacie Mistysyn and Michelle Goodeve deserve a lot of credit for their performances in this episode and, in the role of Kathleen, Rebecca Haines was the perfect mean girl. But, at the same time, there was also all of that stupid stuff with Arthur, Yick, and Rick. For all of its notoriety, this is actually a pretty uneven episode.
Tonight, the Rangers defeated the Asstros, winning by a score of 9-2! With this victory, the Rangers tied up the ALCS. The next game will determine who is going to the World Series and I can’t wait to cheer my team to what I hope will be a Rangers victory!
The best part of tonight’s game? Adolis Garcia, who was deliberately hit by an Asstros pitch during the last game, got his revenge by hitting the grand slam that let Houston know that they weren’t going to stage a comeback in the 9th.
Eddie (David McIlwraith) used to be a rock star but now he’s a washed up alcoholic without a cent to his name. Needing to pay his bills, Eddie decides to make the ultimate sacrifice. He decides to go down to a pawnshop and sell his trademark guitar. However, a quirky woman named Elisabeth (Jill Hennessy) has another idea. Maybe …. he could just rob the pawn shop!
Did you know that, as a name, Lisa started out as a shortened version of Elisabeth?
This episode originally aired on December 16th, 1989.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 2000’s Cabin By The Lake! It can be viewed on YouTube.
Screenwriter Stanley Caldwell (Judd Nelson) has been hired to write a slasher film and, to the concern of both the film’s director (Bernie Coulson) and Stanley’s agent (Susan Gibney), Stanley is taking his time to write the script. Stanley says that he’s determined to write something more than just a typical “dead teenager” film. His script is about a murderer who kills his victims and then dumps them into a nearby lake. The killer spends his time tending his underwater garden.
What is taking Stanley so long? Stanley is doing research, which means that he’s kidnapping women, holding them prisoner in his cabin, and then dumping their bodies into the lake. Along the way, he’s observing how the victims act and he’s incorporating his research into his script. Though Stanley tells himself that he’s just doing research, it’s obvious that the script is no longer his main concern. Now, Stanley is just enjoying working in his garden.
Stanley’s latest victim is Mallory (Hedy Burress), a young woman who works at the town’s movie theater and who has a long-standing fear of the water. While Stanley is holding Mallory captive and studying both her and her fear of water, Deputy Boone Preston (Michael Weatherly) is searching for Mallory. And, of course, Stanley is running out of time to finish his script.
Cabin In The Lake was produced by and originally aired on the USA Network and, as a result, it has a much darker sense of humor than one might otherwise expect to find in a made-for-tv horror movie from 2000. Most of the humor centers around the pretensions of the film industry, with both Stanley and his film’s director trying to turn their little slasher movie into something more than just another dead teenager film. A good deal of the film centers around a group of special effects and makeup artists, who are recruited to help capture the killer and they’re all likable in their dorky way. The scenes of Stanley’s underwater garden achieve a certain dream-like grandeur and, as someone who has a morbid fear of drowning, I could certainly relate to Mallory’s fear of the water.
That said, this is one of those films where the parts are definitely greater than the whole. I think the film’s biggest problem was that Judd Nelson was a bit bland in the role of Stanley, flatly delivering his lines and barely bothering to show a hint of emotion. If anything, Nelson appears to be a bit bored with the film. Hedy Burress is sympathetic as Mallory and Michael Weatherly is believable as the upstanding deputy but a film like this lives or dies based on its villain and Nelson sleepwalks through the role. As well, for all the humorous moments that do work, it soon becomes obvious that this is a one-joke film and portraying Hollywood as being a place full of shallow people is not creative enough a joke to sustain an entire film. The end result is a film that is ultimately frustratingly uneven.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewingthe Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Howard has a chance to get the heck out of Canada!
Episode 1.3 “No Cause For Alarm”
(Dir by Gary Plaxton, originally aired on October 16th, 1985)
The workers at Cobb’s Grocery are reluctantly preparing for another theme week at the store. It’s a Switzerland theme week, which I assume will be very popular in Canada. All of the cashiers are dressed like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. Assistant manager Jack Christian is wearing lederhosen. Christian is really excited because he’s managed to borrow an expensive cuckoo clock with which to decorate the store.
Store manager Howard Bannister has a bit more on his mind, though. He has an interview coming up with an international hotel chain and, if he aces the interview, he’ll get to manage a hotel in Venice. As Howard puts it, this has been his dream for about 15 years. Unfortunately, it’s going to be difficult for Howard to ace that interview because the store’s alarm system keeps malfunctioning and the police finally tell Howard to just turn off the alarm so that they’re not bothered anymore. However, that expensive and borrowed cuckoo clock is still hanging on the wall so Howard ends up having to sleep at the store. Needless to say, the exhausted Howard falls asleep in the middle of his interview and doesn’t get the job. As Christian resigns himself to still being the store’s assistant manager, Howard accepts that he’s not going anywhere for a while.
This is an odd episode of Check It Out. For one thing, there’s a totally different stockboy (played by Jason Warren) from the kid who appeared in the previous two episodes. He’s a bit older than the usual stockboy, he wears rather thick glasses, and everyone acts as if he’s always been at the store. Meanwhile, the store’s electrician (played by Gordon Clapp) is referred to as being “Mr. Matthews” even though his name was Viker in his previous (and future) appearances.
Perhaps the oddest thing about the episode is that everyone is given very backstory-dependent dialogue. For instance, Edna has a long conversation with cashier Jennifer (Tonya Williams) in which she explains the history of her relationship with Howard. Whenever Christian enters a room, everyone is quick to mention that he’s the assistant manager, as if this is information that has never been mentioned before. The relationships between the characters also feel a bit off. For instance, there hasn’t been any hints of deep friendship between Edna and Jennifer in the previous two episodes.
My guess is that this episode was originally the pilot for Check It Out. Apparently, it worked well enough to sell the show but the show’s producers decided not to use it as the first episode. Instead, it aired as the third episode, despite the fact that the episode was essentially a rough draft of what the show would become.
As for the episode …. eh, it’s okay. Gordon Clapp was funny as the confident but incompetent electrician. Jeff Pustil had a few funny moments as Christian. Don Adams overacted a bit as Howard, as if the show still wasn’t sure how obnoxious or sympathetic the character should be. My main issue with the episode was the idea of Howard going from managing a grocery store in Canada to managing an international hotel in Venice. I mean, can Howard even speak Italian?
Next week, everyone at the store is required to get a physical!
TV!? Who has time for TV in October! I’m going to have so much to catch up on in November, I swear. Here’s some thoughts on what I did watch over the previous week!
ALCS Game One (Sunday Night, FOX)
I watched this baseball game, between the Rangers and the Astros, on Sunday night with my sister, Erin. The Rangers won, which made Erin happy and that made me happy.
ALCS Game Two (Monday Afternoon, Fox)
I watched a bit of this with Erin on Monday. She was happy that the Rangers won so I was happy too.
Find someone who loves you as much as Dr. Phil loved saying “Sugar Daddy web sites” in 2017. The episode that I watched on Sunday was from 2017 and Phil said either “Sugar Daddy” or “Sugar Baby” over a hundred times in 40 minutes. It all came across as being a bit silly.
On Monday, I watched an episode in which a woman and her 81 year-old fiancé accused her ex-husband of being abusive. Phil didn’t believe a word that the woman had to say and the woman proceeded to have a meltdown on stage.
On Saturday, I watched the first part of an interview with a young woman who thought she was pregnant with Jesus (as in literally Jesus). Special guest star Dr. Stork from The Doctors visited to tell her that she wasn’t pregnant. She accused him of lying. The audience gasped.
On Tuesday morning, I watched an episode about young teenage girls who dated older teenage boys. The youngest of the girls was like 13 and she was dating a 17 year-old. Jenny got extremely flustered while interviewing the idiots on her stage.
On Saturday morning, I watched a 1988 interview with director Brian De Palma where he came across as being about as confident as could be. That’s probably because the interview was filmed after The Untouchablesand before The Bonfire of the Vanities.
Our serial continued with chapter two, which I watched on Friday night. Having escaped using the Invisibility Ray at the end of the previous chapter, our hero spent this chapter being chased by villains who were carrying a Death Ray. It was a fun 30 minutes.
This week’s episode as Yes, Prime Minister was very, very British as it resolved around Prime Minister Hacker selecting a new bishop. The entire episode was full of jokes about how the Church of England was less of a church and more of a social club. As someone of an Irish/Italian Catholic background, I had a good laugh.
With their 6-1 victory over the Diamondbacks tonight, the Phillies now lead the NLCS. Both the Phillies and the Astros are one victory away from playing each other in the World Series for the second year in a row.
We all know that we, as baseball fans, deserve better than that.
Rangers and the Diamondbacks can still turn this thing around. All it will take is one victory for each to re-tie the series and force a Game 7. Rangers and Diamondbacks, we’re depending on you!
On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, Joan Severance stars as both a film star and a woman who is stuck in a go-nowhere marriage. Neither one is happy with her life and looking for an escape. Murder turns out to be a convenient solution. This episode has a bit of a strange ending, one that really doesn’t make a lot of sense if you think about it too much. But, fortunately, The Hitchhiker is there to impart a lesson.
(It’s a bit unfortunate that they apparently never did an episode that explored the Hitchhiker’s origins. I mean, the guy just pops up everywhere.)
This episode originally aired on November 25th, 1989.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Gabe’s father comes to visit!
Episode 2.16 “Kotter and Son”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 20th, 1977)
January 20th, 1977. While many Americans was celebrating the inauguration of Jimmy Carter and others were laying the groundwork for the election of 1980, teenagers all across America were tuning into ABC so that they could see what Barbarino was going to do this week.
The first image they saw on that Inauguration Day was Gabe and Julie sitting in the apartment and reading the newspaper.
“Know who this guys looks like?” Gabe asks, pointing to a picture in the paper.
“One of your relatives?” Julie replies, as if she’s already dreading what’s to come.
“My cousin, Sidney Kotter!” Gabe announces.
Cousin Sid was so stupid that he once locked his keys in the car. He called the auto club (the auto club again!) and they said they would be there in an hour. Sid replied, “Well, you can’t come here in an hour because it’s raining outside and my car’s a convertible and I left the top down.”
At school, Gabe teaches about World War II but he’s obviously distracted, not even acknowledging a joke told by Epstein. After the bell rings and the rest of the class leaves, Gabe tells the main four Sweathogs that he’s having problems at home. Everyone assumes that Julie has left him again but Gabe eventually confesses that he’s nervous because his father is coming for a visit from Florida. Barbarino says that Gabe has nothing to be nervous about.
“Vinny,” Gabe says, “Imagine your father is coming 14,000 miles to see his son! Imagine that!”
Barbarino tries to imagine. “Is he coming on a bus or a train?”
Gabe then compares his father the iceberg that hit the Titanic, which leads to the Sweathogs singing a song about an iceberg wearing a sports shirt.
The next morning, at the apartment, Julie struggles to convince Gabe to get out of bed and get ready for his father’s visit. While Gabe and Julie try to figure out why his father would come all the way to New York from Florida, the man himself, Charlie Kotter (Harold Gould), knocks on the front door. Charlie enters the apartment and tells Julie that she’s beautiful and then orders Gabe to “wash your teeth.” Charlie declares that the cab that picked him up at the airport was Gabe’s apartment and says that he’s glad that he’ll be staying with Gabe’s brother, Melvin. “Remember your brother, Melvin?” Charlie asks before then asking if Gabe has found a real job yet.
You may have guessed that Charlie and Gabe have a strained relationship and they do. Charlie thinks that Gabe is wasting his life, teaching remedial classes at his old high school in New York. Gabe thinks that he’s doing a good thing by teaching the Sweathogs. Charlie says that he wants Gabe to come back to Florida with him and join him in selling coconut-themed souvenirs. “Kotter and Son!” Charlie announces. Charlie then says that he’s going to school with Gabe so that he can finally see what Gabe does for a living. Gabe is not happy about this but finds himself powerless to stop his elderly father from following him out of the apartment.
Cut to the school, where Charlie has made friends with Mr. Woodman. As Mr. Woodman looks at the coconut paperweight that Charlie has given him, Charlie says, “I just want to see what my son does for a living.” Woodman asks Charlie to let him know if he ever figures it out.
In class, Gabe tries to teach but is nervous with Charlie constantly interrupting him. Finally, Charlie agrees to remain quiet so that he can observe and Gabe teaches about the Great Depression while pretending to be Walter Winchell doing a radio report. Gabe pretends to be a stockbroker who has lost everything. He pretends to be a bitter worker. He pretends to be Herbert Hoover. Charlie is skeptical of Gabe’s techniques but then Gabe proves that the Sweathogs now know and understand far more about the Great Depression than they did at the start of the class. Even Barbarino had debatably picked up some knowledge!
(“What did the Stock Market crash do to the price of products?” Gabe asks Barbarino. “What products?” Barbarino replies.)
Charlie asks Gabe to step out in the hallway and tells Gabe that he knows Gabe isn’t going to move down to Florida.
Gabe says, “Pop, I’m 30 years old. Just tell me your proud of me!”
“You should hear how much I talk about in Florida,” Charlies replies, “People down there are sick of hearing about you! Now, go teach your Sweathogs.”
Realizing that he’s not going to get anything better than that, Gabe returns to his classroom. As Gabe closes the door, Charlie says, “I’m proud of you, my son.”
Gabe opens the door and says, “I heard you.”
Awwwwwwww!
Back at the apartment, Charlie asks Julie if she ever heard about what happened to his brother, Saul Kotter. Julie is a bit more tolerant of Charlie telling jokes than she is when Gabe does it. Anyway, Saul was hit by a truck while crossing the street. A policeman put his jacket under Saul’s head and asked him if he was comfortable. Saul replied, “I make a good living.” As Charlie finishes his joke, Gabe steps in the apartment and asks, “Julie, have I ever told you about my Uncle Saul?”
This episode definitely worked, mostly because Harold Gould and Gabe Kaplan were totally believable as father and son. There were not a lot of Sweathog shenanigans this episode but the scenes between Gabe and his father were well-acted and ultimately rather sweet.
Next week: Gabe takes a second job to pay for dental work! Julie thinks that he’s having an affair with someone who actually likes his jokes.
Through the Shattered Lens 