Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 4.13 “Nothing In Common” and 4.14 “And Then There Were Nuns”

Posted on April 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Hang Time! This week, we learn about geography.

Episode 4.13 “Nothing in Common”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 24th, 1998)

We’re back in Indiana! I guess the San Antonio trip is over. Yay.

Michael, Silk, and Rico panic when they see Coach K. walking around their favorite after-school hangout, The Stadium. It turns out that Coach K. wants to buy the place and make it more friendly to older customers. Michael, Silk, and Rico totally freak out and I don’t blame them. No one wants to see their teachers outside of school. Anyway, they come up with the brilliant idea of having Rico’s uncle pretend to be a health inspector so that he can scare off Coach K. It doesn’t work because Rico’s uncle asks how Rico is doing on the team but Coach K. still decides not to buy the Stadium because this is a silly show where plot developments are brought and abandoned at random.

Meanwhile, Mary Beth is upset when Hammer resists her attempts to change him. Mary Beth wants to go to an art exhibit. Hammer wants to go to a boxing match. (Personally, I’m probably an even bigger culture snob than Mary Beth and I would be happy to go to either of those. I love museums but a boxing match is a good excuse to wear something nice and show off your cleavage.) Mary Beth wants Hammer to go sailing. Hammer wants to spend his time at a biker rally. Realizing that she’s trying too hard to change Hammer, Mary Beth dresses up in leather and hangs out at a biker bar. She teaches the bikers all about the proper utensils to use at a formal dinner. It was actually pretty cute and, in the end, Hammer and Mary Beth agreed that they didn’t have to like the same things as long as they liked each other. Awwwwwww!

I liked this episode. Season 4 may not be as strong as the previous three seasons but the Hammer/Mary Beth relationship works surprisingly well. As far as I’m concerned, any episode that features more of Mary Beth and Kristy being wacky and less of Julie getting annoyed is a good one.

Episode 4.14 “And Then There Were Nuns”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 24th, 1998)

Oh hey, we’re back in San Antonio. Continuity be damned!

With only a few days left in Texas, Kristy suspects that she’s in love with Antonio. She tells Mary Beth and Julie that she can imagine a future with Antonio. Awwwwww! Antonio invites Kristy to a wedding …. in Mexico! Kristy agrees. Before leaving, she leaves a note for Julie and Mary Beth. Unfortunately, it’s a poorly-written note and Julie and Mary Beth are convinced that Kristy’s run off to Mexico to get married!

Because everyone on this show is stupid, they don’t tell Coach K or any other adults about what is happening. Instead, everyone except for Julie and Michael head down to Mexico and try to stop the wedding. I guess it’s lucky that they all happened to have their passports with them. (Either that or they crossed into Mexico illegally.) Of course, since they won the big Tri-state tournament. they have to get back to San Antonio by 4 p.m. so that they can get ready to do a media appearance. Michael and Julie are convinced that their friends can go to Mexico and come back while the Coach is taking an hour-long nap. Apparently, the show’s writers were under the impression that San Antonio is right on the border. It’s not. San Antonio is 155 miles away from the border and it appears that the wedding is taking place in a fairly small and remote village. In short, this trip is going to take a lot longer than an hour.

Admittedly, King of the Hill used to do the same thing. Hank Hill was literally an hour away from every location in Texas. But, in that case, it was obviously meant to be intentional and it was a fun in-joke for Texans. (It helped that Mike Judge was one of us.) But, in this case, it just feels incredibly dumb on the part of the Hang Time writers.

Anyway, Silk, Rico, Hammer, and Mary Beth arrive at the wedding but a nun tells them that this is a private ceremony. So, of course, they all dress up like nuns and sneak into the ceremony and….

….

Sorry, silently screaming.

The important thing is that it all works out in the end. Coach K. finds out where the team has gone so he, Michael, and Julie show up for the wedding. Meanwhile, Antonio promises Kristy that, someday, he will find her in Indiana. Awwwww! I’m going to guess that the media appearances were handled by the team’s non-starters, who probably talked about how much fun it was to spend every game sitting on the bench while Michael, Julie, Rico, Silk, and Hammer got all the glory.

What a stupid episode.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 4/16/23 — 4/22/23

Posted on April 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Barry’s back!

Barry (Sunday Night, HBO)

Barry returned last Sunday with the first two episodes of season 4.

The first episode updated the viewers on what happened after Barry was arrested. Barry went to jail, where he was reunited with Fuches. Fuches briefly became an FBI informant until Barry told him that he loved him, which led to Fuches not only stepping away from the FBI but also declaring that he was going to start his own prison gang. Sally went back to Joplin and promptly got into a fight with her mother over the television show and its portrayal of Sally’s abusive ex. Gene plotted to control how the story of his relationship with Barry would appear in the media. Cristobal and NoHo Hank plotted to start a semi-legitimate business, selling sand to construction sites. Directed, as all of this season will be, by Bill Hader, the first episode was full of surreal touches and it left me feeling rather unsettled. Sitting in prison and only showing emotion when Sally briefly came by to visit and demand to know whether he had killed their dog, Barry appeared to have finally snapped. He went as far as to taunt a guard into nearly beating him to death. The show had its funny moments but, make no doubt, the first episode was all about tapping into Barry’s heart of darkness.

The second episode had a bit more of the show’s trademark bizarre humor. Cristobal and NoHo Hank attempted to convince two rival crime families to join them in their sand enterprise. In order to convince them, they arranged for a meeting at the happiest place on Earth …. Dave and Buster’s! The meeting went well, up until NoHo Hank announced that freeing Barry from prison would be a part of the plan. An upset Cristobal told NoHo Hank that his loyalty to Barry made him appear to be “soft.” However, Fuches then called NoHo Hank for prison and told him that Barry had decided to become an FBI informant. A stunned NoHo Hank announced that Barry would have to die.

While that was going on, Gene finally gave an interview about his experiences with Barry but, being Gene, he couldn’t just sit down and answer questions. Instead, he put together a one man show, one that actually turned out to be pretty good, even if Gene’s version of events was a bit self-serving. Meanwhile, Sally has returned to Los Angeles and is trying to put the pieces of her life and her career back together. Unfortunately, her career still hasn’t recovered from last season’s viral video scandal and, to top it all off, she is now known for being the girlfriend of a serial killer.

As for Barry …. well, Monroe wasn’t lying. At the end of the second episode, it appeared that Barry has decided to work with the FBI!

What a wonderful way to start the fourth season! This is the final season of Barry and I can’t wait to see how the story wraps up. I have a feeling that there won’t be many happy endings.

Beavis and Butthead (Paramount Plus)

Barry’s not the only one to have returned this week. These two morons, Beavis and Butthead, have returned as well. This week, Beavis and Butthead ruined meditation for everyone and then they went hunting with Mr. Anderson and nearly got killed. Of all the supporting characters on this show, Mr. Anderson is probably my favorite because he’s basically just a really old version of Hank Hill. His World War II flashback was wonderfully odd.

Beef (Netflix)

Unfortunately, it’s been a long week so I’ve only had time to watch the first four episodes of this miniseries. Ali Wong and Steven Yeun are both giving outstanding performances in this series about a road rage incident that spirals out of control. I’m looking forward to finishing it up during this upcoming week.

Dynaman (Night Flight Plus)

I watched an episode of this Japanese series on Saturday morning. A bunch of fish monsters were trying to take over the world. Dynaman stopped them. Sometimes, a picture is worth a thousand words so here’s a screenshot:

Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, Fox)

The farmers are still not married.

Half Nelson (YouTube)

I reviewed Half Nelson here!

Hang Time (YouTube)

I have watched and written up reviews for several hours of Hang Time this week. In fact, I’m nearly done with the show. (My reviews of the show will be running through September.) Read this week’s review here!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I recapped this week’s episode for the Reality TV Chat Blog!

Tulsa King (Paramount Plus)

I finally got around to watching the second episode of Tulsa King this week and I’m afraid the show still isn’t working for me. I think it’s because Stallone’s character is a bit too aggressive. Stallone is at his best when he’s playing either a dumb but likable mook (i.e., Rocky) or when he’s fighting for his survival, like in First Blood. But when he’s the one who is actually barking out orders and intimidating innocent people, it’s just not as much fun. Plus, there’s only so many times that any show can go to the “Old people sure are confused by technology” well before the joke starts to run dry. That said, I’ve been told the show get better so I’ll stick with it and see what I think of the third episode.

Waco: The Aftermath (Sunday Night, Showtime)

This miniseries picks up where Showtime’s last Waco miniseries left off. The Branch Davidian compound has been burned down. David Koresh is dead. The main FBI negotiator (Michael Shannon) feels guilty about what happened at the compound but he also fears that the stand-off is going to embolden the militia movement. (And he’s right!) Meanwhile, the surviving Davidians are being railroaded in court and treated as scapegoats for the failures of both Koresh and the government. Things got off to a strong start on Sunday. I look forward to seeing where this show ends up going.

Yellowjackets (Sunday Night, Showtime)

This week’s episode was intriguing. I loved the scene where Shauna confessed to Callie. I’m still worried about Walter and Misty though. I can just see Walter getting on Misty’s nerves and getting poisoned as a result. I’ll also say that, as much as I enjoy this show, I’m starting to get a bit tired of the whole Taissa thing. The show need to either explain what’s going on with all that or just move on.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.4 “Mop n’ Pop” and 5.5 “Diss Honored”

Posted on April 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Jake’s Dad gets a job and Sam wins an election!

Episode 5.4 “Mop n’ Pop”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 28th, 1996)

With graduation approaching and everyone feeling restless, the senior class of PCHS have all gotten caught up in the newest game, Ba-Boominator! Basically, it’s a game of elimination, where everyone carries a phallic-looking Ba-Boom gun and they shoot silly string at one another. The goal is to be the last one untouched by the milky, white string that spurts out of the end of the gun.

Needless to say, it’s a rather messy game. Fortunately, the school has a new janitor who is very understanding and doesn’t have any problem cleaning up after the students. Unfortunately, that janitor also happens to be Jake’s Dad. Jake’s Dad was an airplane mechanic but, after getting laid off from his job, he had to take whatever he could find and he ended up as a janitor. Jake is not particularly happy about it.

His friends are supportive about it, except for Sly who makes one too many janitor jokes and ends up getting punched in the face by Jake. Sly ends up with a black eyes and Jack’s Dad ends up quitting his job because he realizes how much it embarrasses Jake. At first, Jake is happy but after Sly yells at Jake and tells him that he should be happy just to have a father who cares about him (which is something Sly does not have), Jake realizes that he’s been a jerk.

This episode was a bit of a change-of-pace, if just because it featured Jake learning a lesson as opposed to teaching one. It was also another strong fifth season episode, highlighting just how much the cast had grown as actors over the course of the show.

Finally, the Ba-Boominator competition is won by Sam and Tony, who both decide that their love is more important than winning any game. Awwwwww!

Episode 5.5 “Diss Honored”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 5th, 1996)

Samantha has been elected President of the Honors Society! Everyone’s totally excited, even though Sly says that it’s a stupid office that nobody really cares about. In this case, I tend to agree with Sly but, apparently, it really is a big deal in the world of California Dreams. Suddenly, Sam has a lot of extra responsibilities and she can’t spend as much time with Tony. Tony fears that he’s going to lose her! To be honest, if their relationship can’t survive Sam holding a ceremonial post for a few months, maybe there are bigger issues at play.

Tony decides that he has to do get into the Honors Society so he cheats on his midterm. Unfortunately, Sam’s rival and the former president of the Society, Harvey, figures out what Tony did and publicly challenges him to some sort of weird Honors Society duel. At first, Tony lies but then he comes clean and all of his friends act like a bunch of jerks and shun him.

(Because, seriously, no one in the entire history of the world has ever cheated on a high school midterm, right?)

The main highlight of this episode was Tony being haunted by two spirits, an evil spirit that looked like Sly and a good spirit that looked like Tiff. It was a bit silly but William James Jones, Michael Cade, and Kelly Packard really threw themselves into their roles. In particular, this episode probably features Jones’s best work on California Dreams.

And feat not! Tony comes clean to Sam and everything works out in the end.

Next week: Jake appears on a reality show and we finally meet Sly’s father!

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson 1.6 “Nose Job”

Posted on April 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

This week, Rocky gets involved with a case that’s all about obsession!

Episode 1.6 “Nose Job”

(Directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman, originally aired on April 19th, 1985)

Way back in March, when I watched the pilot for Half Nelson, one thing that I immediately noticed was the chemistry between Joe Pesci and Victoria Jackson. In the pilot, it was pretty clear that Annie O’Hara (played by Jackson) had a crush on Rocky (played, of course, by Pesci) and it was actually kind of cute. The streetwise Rocky and the spacey Annie seemed like they could be an interesting couple and I was actually looking forward to seeing how that storyline developed.

Unfortunately, it didn’t develop. In the episodes immediately following the pilot, both Annie and Rocky’s boss, Chester (Fred Williamson), were sidelined so that the show could focus on Rocky interacting with Beau (Dick Butkus) and Kurt (Bubba Smith). Annie was relegated to staying at the office and answering the phone while Rocky flirted with each week’s guest star. That was definitely a missed opportunity. While Smith and Butkus both provided adequate comedy relief, it’s still hard not to feel that the show often focused so much on them that performers like Dean Martin, Fred Williamson, and Victoria Jackson were pushed to the side.

In this week’s episode, Detective Hamill (Gary Grubbs) asks Annie to go on a date with him and Rocky encourages her to accept, so I guess the potential Rocky/Annie romance is officially dead. At first, Annie doesn’t want to date Hamill because she thinks he’s “a jerk.” (Gary Grubbs, who is one of those actors that most people will immediately recognize even if they don’t know his name, has such an amiable presence that it’s hard to understand where Annie got that idea from.) However, in return for Hamill helping him out with this week’s case, Rocky convinces Annie to give Hamill a shot. Annie and Hamill are a couple by the end of the episode. Yay! Who doesn’t love a romantic ending?

As for this episode itself, it opens with Rocky, Beau, and Kurt providing security on the set of a film. The film appears to be about a revolution in Latin America. April Gray (Mary-Margaret Humes) is playing the lead role, a revolutionary who wears a red beret. (Seriously, it looks like a great film.) When April is nearly run over by an out-of-control truck, Rocky becomes convinced that someone is stalking her. When he discovers that the truck’s accelerator was rigged with surgical string, he decides that a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jonathan Gaines (Jon Cypher), is trying to kill her.

However, before he can accuse Dr. Gaines, he has to find out if April has actually had plastic surgery. As opposed to just asking her, Rocky takes her out on a date. (Beau and Kurt come along as well, so that they can check out the other actresses in the cast and see if any of them had plastic surgery as well.) The only way that Rocky can convince her to go out with him is to take her to an exclusive club. But how can Rocky get reservations!? Fear not, it’s Dean Martin to the rescue! It turns out that Dean is co-owner of the club so he puts down his martini glass for a few minutes and makes a phone call. It’s kind of nice that Dean actually got to be involved in the case this week. Dean’s appearances on this show never last for more than a minute or two and it’s obvious that he wasn’t in the best shape when he filmed them but still, it’s fun to watch him and Pesci act opposite of each other. Pesci always seem to be in awe of Dean.

Before the date, Rocky has to teach Beau and Kurt how to discreetly look for surgery scars. This leads to him showing them how to peak behind someone ears while dancing with them. With the help of Annie, he shows how pretending to lose a contact lens can provide a chance to get on the floor check out someone’s legs for scars. (Unfortunately, the scene is rather awkwardly blocked and framed and, in a few shots, it appears as if Rocky is basically looking straight up Annie’s skirt.) Beau and Kurt are impressed. Chester is less impressed, especially when he catches Rocky crawling around Annie’s legs. Chester yells at Rocky and then goes in his office. And that concludes Fred Williamson’s role in this episode.

During the date, Rocky spots the surgical scars behind April’s ears, indicating that she’s had plastic surgery. It turns out that April not only got a nose job from Dr. Gaines but she also briefly dated him. Rocky realizes that Gaines is now trying to kill her but, as always, everyone tells Rocky that he doesn’t have enough evidence to prove anything. Let’s see. Gaines was on the set when the truck went out of control. The truck’s accelerator was tied down with surgical string. Gaines was the only person on the set with a job that would give him easy access to surgical string. It’s hard not to feel that everyone’s being too quick to dismiss Rocky’s suspicions here.

In fact, Dr. Gaines is so obviously guilty that it’s also pretty obvious that there has to be someone else involved as well. About halfway through the episode, we learn that the film’s director (played by Timothy Bottoms) also used to date April! In fact, he’s the one who paid for her nose job!

Half Nelson really has not turned out to be the lost classic that I was hoping it would be. The pilot was strong but the episodes after that have struggled to really establish a consistent identity for the show. Watching this show, one gets the feeling that the show’s producers couldn’t decide if they wanted to do a comedy or a drama. As I already mentioned, the focus on the antics of Dick Butkus and Bubba Smith pretty much left the rest of the talented cast with little to do. It’s easy to see why Half Nelson did not last longer than two months.

That said, this was actually a pretty good episode. Yes, there were plenty of detective show clichés but both Jon Cypher and Timothy Bottoms were convincing as the show’s two villains and Joe Pesci’s New York persona provided a nice contrast to the sleek phoniness of Hollywood and Beverly Hills. There was even an exciting car chase, which was entertaining even if it was ultimately a bit superfluous to the plot. Plus, the episode featured Rocky throwing a bomb more seconds before it exploded. This is what the explosion looked like:

Seriously, did Rocky just nuke L.A.!?

This was an entertainingly melodramatic episode. You could see hints of the show that Half Nelson could have been if only it could have maintained a consistent tone.

Next week, Rocky meets Marjoe Gortner!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.16 “Jamal X” and 4.17 “Subway Confessions”

Posted on April 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Let’s check in with the neat guys.

Episode 4.16 “Jamal X”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, Originally aired on November 11th, 2000)

In this episode, we learn that Jamal has an uncle who is a fairly prominent academic and activist. This seems like something that would have come up in the past but this is the first time that he’s ever been seen or even mentioned on City Guys. When Ms. Noble invites him to give a guest lecture at Manny High, he stops by the diner to visit with his favorite nephew and to meet Jamal’s “best friend, Chris.” After initially assuming that L-Train is Chris, Jamal’s uncle is shocked to discover that Jamal’s best friend is a rich white kid.

After listening to his uncle speak on systemic racism and realizing how little his three white friends understand about what it’s like to have to deal with racism on an everyday basis, Jamal goes militant. He wears his hair in an afro. He refers to Ms. Noble as being “my Nubian queen.” And he tries to start a school club only for black students. After Ms. Noble tells him that she won’t allow a blacks-only club at the school, Jamal instead holds his meeting at the New York Diner. When Chris attempts to attend the meeting, Chris explains that he’s only there because he wants to understand what the black students are having to deal with. Despite this, Chris is kicked out by the other club members. A guilt-stricken Jamal realizes that he’s been going about things the wrong way. He apologizes to Chris and they become friends again.

This seems to be the episode of City Guys that everyone remembers from when it first aired and it’s not badly done. Wesley Jonathan, in particular, gives a good performance as Jamal. Though the episode ends with Jamal reaffirming his friendship with Chris, it also doesn’t deny the everyday realities of racism. (An early scene in the episode features a cop spotting L-Train’s new watch and baselessly accusing him of having stolen it.) If nothing else, this episode is a bit more honest about prejudice than Saved By The Bell’s infamous Running Zack episode. That said, I get the feeling that, if this episode aired today, it would be criticized for taking an All Lives Matter approach to the issue. In the end, this episode is most noteworthy as a reminder that the issues of today are many of the same issues of the 90s and all the decades before.

Episode 4.17 “Subway Confessions”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, Originally aired on November 18th, 2000)

Chris, Jamal, Al, L-Train, Cassidy, and Dawn are preparing to enter the school when they hear that Funkyfest tickets are going on sale. Convinced that they’ll be able to get the tickets and get back to school in time for Ms. Noble’s class, they leave school grounds and head for the subway. When they return 3 hours later, Ms. Noble is so angry that she sentences them to three weeks of detention. Ms. Noble also confiscates the Funkyfest tickets, which is another way of saying that Ms. Noble steals them. Seriously, just because the tickets were bought while skipping school, that doesn’t change the fact that those tickets were not Noble’s to take.

Everyone has a different story about what happened on the train to make them late. Dawn and Cassidy claim that they were giving a homeless woman a makeover. L-Train and Al claim that they were fighting Russian spies. Chris and Jamal claim that a woman in clown makeup went into labor and they had to deliver the baby. Ms. Noble doesn’t believe a word of it, even after the homeless woman shows up, introduces herself as an undercover cop, and reveals that a clown really did go into labor. (That said, she also reveals that Chis and Jamal did not deliver the baby.) Everyone still has detention for skipping school because Ms. Noble is a harsh taskmaster.

This was a funny episode, though it’s hard not to notice that it’s also an episode that’s totally dependent on every character being an idiot. Still, I’m not ashamed to admit that Al and L-Train fighting the spies made me laugh. I’ve learned not to expect too much from City Guys and, with that in mind, this episode delivered.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.10 “Man of the Cloth / Her Own Two Feet / Tony’s Family”

Posted on April 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time to give thanks as the Love Boat sets sail for another holiday adventure!

Episode 2.10 “Man of the Cloth / Her Own Two Feet / Tony’s Family”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 17th, 1978)

It’s time for the big Thanksgiving cruise and love is in the air!

Unfortunately, the ship’s chief engineer calls in sick the day of the cruise. The ship can’t sail without a chief engineer! Rather than cancel the cruise, Captain Stubing decides that assistant engineer Tony Santini (Larry Storch) will just have to give up his Thanksgiving and work on the cruise. Needless to say, Tony is not happy about this. As he explains to Gopher and Julie, his entire family is in town and he was planning on spending his holiday with them. Julie comes up with a brilliant idea! Maybe Tony’s family could secretly take the cruise with Tony. They can just sneak on board and remember to stay away from the captain. Tony agrees. Of course, it then turns out that Tony has a gigantic family. Along with his wife and his children, he is also accompanied by his parents, neither of whom speak English. His parents bring a chicken with them.

The crew goes out of their way to keep the Captain from discovering the stowaways but, eventually, the chicken gets loose and Stubing figures out what is going on. The entire crew — including the Captain — volunteers to pay for the family’s tickets but Tony announces that he doesn’t take charity. He’ll figure out a way to pay the bill.

While that’s going on, Rev. Gerald Whitney (Peter Graves) is excited to find love on the cruise. The only problem is that the woman who he’s fallen in love with (Roz Kelley) is also a stripper! Rev. Whitney doesn’t care but unfortunately, Barbara Sharp (Vivian Blane) does. Barbara just happens to be a member of Whitney’s church and she is shocked to see the reverend and the stripper together on the cruise. Barbara gets so judgmental that her husband, Phil (Alan Young), threatens to divorce her. Barbara and Phil finally have a heart-to-heart talk in the casino. Barbara agrees to stop being so judgmental. Phil agrees to stop gambling as soon as he puts his last silver dollar in the ship’s slot machine. That silver dollar was given to him by one Tony’s kids and when the slot machine pays off, Phil and Barbara give all of the money to Tony’s family. Yay! Now Tony can pay for the cruise.

(I guess the lesson here is that, if you’re going to be a stowaway, make sure the ship has a casino.)

Finally, Bert (Van Johnson) and his wife, Audrey (June Allyson), are having to adjust to life now that Audrey has gone blind. Fortunately, Doc Bricker takes a break from hitting on every woman on the boat and gives them some words of encouragement. Soon, Bert is no longer lying about Audrey’s condition and Audrey is using her cane and learning how to read braille.

This episode felt a bit weird. Obviously, the most interesting story was the reverend falling in love with a stripper but the show itself devoted more energy to Tony and his family and Phil gambling. To be honest, with the amount of time that Phil spent in the casino, he came across like he might have a problem. Hopefully, he went straight from the cruise to Gamblers Anonymous. The guest stars themselves just seemed to be going through the motions and the end result was a fairly forgettable Thanksgiving.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

Posted on April 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we have a special, super-sized episode of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

(Dir by George McCowan and Michael Vejar, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

This week, we get three fantasies, instead of the usual two!

Sister Mary Theresa (Lisa Hartman) is a nun who has been struggling with her faith even since the death of her mentor. Her fantasy is a chance to meet the only mortal man that her mentor ever loved. Colin McArthur (John Saxon) is tall, dark, handsome, and he loves animals! Not only does he seem like the perfect guy but he’s also played by John Saxon. Today, Saxon is best-known for appearing in horror movies and for playing B-movie villains and it’s easy to forget that he could also be quite a charming actor when given the chance. That said, as charming as he is, Colin just can’t compete with God and Sister Mary Theresa once again dons her habit before leaving the Island.

Meanwhile, Felix Birdsong (Don Knotts) has spent his life fantasizing about being a big time Hollywood casting agent and he gets his chance when he comes to the Island and is put in charge of selecting the woman who will star in a film called The Most Beautiful Girl In The World. Felix soon discovers that Hollywood isn’t as glamorous as he thought. (Uh, yeah, no doubt.) The film’s producer (Abe Vigoda) is a sleaze. The film is being funded by a combination of gangsters and oil sheikhs (one of whom is played by Cesar Romero) and all of them expect Felix to select their girlfriends for the role. Felix ends up very disillusioned, though you have to wonder what type of sheltered existence he experienced before coming to the island. I mean, he’s shocked to discover that Hollywood can be a heartless place and that rich men have mistresses! In the end, Felix announces that all 20 of the women will be cast as The Most Beautiful Girl In The World and that every single one of them will get the prize money. Yay! Of course, now the production is probably out of money so it’s not as if the film will ever actually be made. Actually, if I was a contestant in a beauty pageant and the judge just declared a 20-girl tie instead of giving me the prize, I would probably think he was the biggest jerk in the world. Boooo! Felix, you jerk!

Finally, Jane Garwood (Florence Henderson, continuing the tradition of Brady Bunch cast members showing up on the island) is a television news reporter who recently gained a lot of attention for a report she filed on Satanic cults. As a result of the report, a Satanic priest put a curse on Jane. Jane laughed it off until all of the men in her life started dying. Jane’s fantasy is to learn whether the curse is real. Mr. Roarke’s solution is to become the new man in Jane’s life. When he doesn’t die, Jane will see that the curse is not real….

Except, the curse is real! The cult has followed Jane to the Island and now they’re not only trying to kill her but Mr. Roarke as well! I have to admit that I’ve always assumed that Mr. Roarke was meant to be a supernatural being and I also assumed that he was immortal. Apparently, that’s not completely true. Still, despite the cult leader kidnapping Jane and dancing around with a cobra, Roarke is able to reveal that the cult leader is not only not a supernatural being but that he’s also Jane’s ex-boyfriend!

This episode was a fun mix of cartoonish comedy, sincere romance, and ludicrous melodrama. It was entertainingly silly in the way that only Fantasy Island could be at its best. I mean, with the exception of The Brady Bunch Hour, how many other shows would have the guts to give us Florence Henderson being menaced by a Satanic cult? For that, you have to go to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 4.11 “Restless Mary Beth” and 4.12 “Shoot Out”

Posted on April 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

When last we checked in with Hang Time, the Tornadoes were in San Antonio and the show was doing an absolutely terrible job of portraying Texas. Wow, I hope that’s over with! Let’s find out.

Episode 4.11 “Restless Mary Beth”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 17th, 1998)

Hey, we’re back in Indiana! I guess that stupid and insulting Texas storyline is over with. Yay!

Freaking out because she’s worried that she doesn’t have enough extra-curricular activities to get into the college of her choice, Mary Beth starts taking on every activity that she can. She joins the band. She rejoins the cheerleaders. She joins the Speech and Debate club. When she finds out that a special election is being held to select a new student council president, she decides to run. Julie, Hammer, and Kristy warn her that she’s taking on too much but Mary Beth laughs them off. One scene later and Mary Beth is having a nervous breakdown and sobbing in the locker room because she’s working herself to exhaustion.

No worries! Mary Beth ends up falling asleep and she has a dream where she’s competing against Kristy in a shopping spree. Mary Beth has more stuff in her cart but Kristy still wins because, as Hammer explains, Mary Beth didn’t make it to graduation because she tried to take on too much. So, I guess the implication is that Mary Beth is going to die if she takes on too many extra-curriculars? Wow, that’s dark!

That said, I could relate to this episode. I tend to take on too much as well. Despite a rather stupid B-plot about the team losing the Coach’s championship ring while lounging in the new hot tub, this was a pretty good episode and it made a good point about taking time to rest. Plus, it returned the action to Indiana, where it belongs.

Episode 4.12 “Shoot Out”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 17th, 1998)

The Tornadoes are in San Antonio for the Tri-state Tournament….

WAIT A MINUTE, THEY’RE BACK IN TEXAS!? They were just in Indiana, how are they back in Texas!?

The obvious answer is that NBC showed these episodes out-of-order. NBC tended to do that to all of their Sunday morning shows so it shouldn’t come as a shock that they would do it to Hang Time. Still, it always surprises me how blatant NBC was in its utter disregard for the three or four people who were actually paying attention to continuity back in the 90s.

Anyway, the team is back in San Antonio and, as always, they are just one game away from winning not only the tournament but also a trip to New York. Coach K is excited to learn that their next game will be against a team coached by his protegee, Rick. However, when the Coach discovers that 1) Rick is now in a wheelchair and 2) Rick might get an NBA job but only if his team wins, Coach K finds himself feeling a bit conflicted. The Tornadoes interpret this as Coach wanting them to throw the game! Fortunately, after a terrible first half, Coach K tells them that he doesn’t want them to throw the game and that deliberately losing is an insult to the other team. Just as with every other game they’ve ever played, the Tornadoes come back in the second half and win by one point. They win a trip to New York and Rick gets his NBA position regardless. Does the NBA regularly hire high school coaches?

While this is going on, Antonio (Jay Hernandez) begs Kristy to forgive him for not telling her that he could speak English. He eventually wins Kristy over, mostly because he’s totally adorable and, since this show was filmed in the 90s, no one mentions how messed up it was that Kristy automatically assumed that Antonio and his friends couldn’t speak English to begin with.

Ugh. This episode did a slightly better job of presenting Texas than the previous San Antonio episode did but there were still way too many people walking around wearing cowboy hats. Not everyone in Texas is a cowboy.

Anyway, I guess the team is going to New York now! If they can make it there, they can make it anywhere …. well, you know the rest.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 4/9/23 — 4/15/23

Posted on April 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

This week, Janine’s mom (Taraji P. Henson) made an appearance, hoping that she could get Janine to pay her phone bill. This was a really touching and very emotional episode. Sheryl Lee Ralph was especially moving as Barbara tried to save Janine from being taken advantage of by her mother. While that was going on, Gregory struggled to improve his people skills and Jacob amazed everyone with his magic tricks. “The magic doesn’t work if you lie, Melissa!”

Accused (Tuesday Night, FOX)

This week’s episode was a nicely melodramatic one, in which an angry man tried to frame his ex-wife as a drug smuggler. To be honest, it was kind of a silly episode but it was so over-the-top that it was still enjoyable.

American Idol (Sunday and Monday Night, FOX)

Not surprisingly, I wasn’t really that happy with the Top 24. Many of the singers seemed to be a bit generic and, after all the suffering he went through to just make it through Hollywood Week, Aden was eliminated. I was happy that Nutsa made the top 24. She’s a force of chaos so I hope she wins but I fear that the show’s efforts to turn her into Hollywood Week’s villain will lead to the voters punishing her.

Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, FOX)

I was cleaning around the house while watching this week’s episode so I have to admit that I wasn’t paying the show 100% attention. That said, the farmers still do not have wives.

Half Nelson (YouTube)

I wrote about this week’s episode here!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about this week’s episode here!

The Masters (Sunday Afternoon, CBS)

“Lisa Marie,” so many people said to me on Easter, “you’re watching golf?”

You better believe I was watching golf! Seriously, the golf course was very relaxing to look at and I enjoyed the restrained applause of all the people watching the game. Later that night, while rest of my family was enjoying the danger of NASCAR, I was remembering the calming day on the golf course. As for who won the game …. well, to be honest, I don’t know who any of the golfers are, outside of Tiger Woods (who dropped out by the final round of the Masters) and that guy that Necromoonyeti doesn’t like. But no matter! I’m happy for whoever it was that won.

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

Dan had a chance to become a billionaire by investing in a new tech company. Abbi ruined it for everyone. Oh, Abbi! Seriously, I like Melissa Rauch and I think she does about as good as anyone could with the character but, at some point, I’m going to start wondering why everyone puts up with Abbi continually screwing up their lives.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about this week’s episode here! Where is Jeff Probst always trying to be so nice nowadays? It’s weird.

Yellowjackets (Sunday Night, Showtime)

Now, I not only have to worry about the new dog but I also have to worry about Elijah Wood! I swear, I may never recover from the anxiety that this show brings me.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.2 “Shaken, Rattled, and Rolled” and 5.3 “Honest Sly”

Posted on April 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Dreams finally experience an earthquake!

Episode 5.2 “Shaken, Rattled, and Rolled”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 14th, 1996)

Sly has just discovered that radio executive Joey DeParna’s legendary thick head of hair is actually a wig and he’s blackmailing Joey into giving the Dreams an audition! The only problem is that, due to a recent earthquake, Tony is suffering from PTSD and can’t even play the drums without having a flashback! Mark suggests recreating the earthquake so that Tony can conquer his fears but, when the Dreams start shoving Tony’s drum kit back and forth, Tony panics and runs straight into a wall. It looks like Tony’s going to have to live with his aunt and uncle in Ohio. Fortunately, right as Tony is getting ready to say goodbye to his friends, another earthquake hits and Tony gets in a doorway. When he realizes that the second earthquake didn’t kill him, Tony conquers his fears and decides to stay in California. I don’t know. I think two earthquakes in one week would be enough to make me leave but then again, I like Ohio. Actually, we do have earthquakes in Texas but it’s rare that we ever actually notice them. California, on the other hand, is probably going to plunge into the ocean and float away in another year or two.

I’m a little bit surprised that it took five seasons for a show called California Dreams to feature an earthquake. I was also surprised that this was apparently Tony’s first earthquake, even though he grew up in California. The scenes where Tony freaked out and flashed back to the quake were actually a lot better done than you would expect from a Saturday morning kids show. I could understand Tony’s fear! That said, the highlight of this episode was not the earthquake but instead a B-plot in which Tiffani got a job at an animal shelter and, while the shelter was closed for a week, all of the Dreams (except for Lorena) got to take care of an animal. Tony’s beagle was adorable!

Episode 5.3 “Honest Sly”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 21, 1996)

Sly has a new job! He’s working for Gem Diamond (Gary Beach) and selling used cars! Sharp-eyed viewers will recognize Gem Diamond as being the same guy who sold Zack Morris a cheap class ring on Saved By The Bell. As such, you can probably guess what type of cars Gem has on his used car lot. Sly, of course, doesn’t have any problem selling crappy used cars for too much money. Or, at least, he doesn’t until Sam buys a car and it crashes because the brakes were bad. Struck with guilt, Sly goes on live TV and reveals that Gem sold Sam a defective car. Gem gives Sam back her money and is so impressed with Sly’s sneakiness that he offers to go into business with him. Sly, however, has had it with selling used cars.

Meanwhile, Lorena pretends to be Mark’s girlfriend so that Mark will develop the confidence necessary to ask out another girl. Being Lorena’s fake boyfriend means doing stuff like shining her boots. (I need to get a new pair of boots myself.) The other girl is so impressed that she asks Mark to wash her car and do her French homework. Seriously, this show’s writers could never decide just how much of a loser Mark actually was. He was always either dating an Olympian or having an anxiety attack.

Usually, Lorena is the character to whom I most relate on this show but, during this episode, I related to Sam because everyone kept giving her such a hard time about being a bad driver. Much like me, Sam wasn’t a bad driver as much as she was just someone who found it difficult to focus while the person sitting beside her kept yelling, “LOOK OUT!”

This was a good episode. Gary Beach was genuinely funny as Gem Diamond. For continuity watchers, there’s a moment in the episode where Jake mentions the time that Sly got conned by a fake modeling school. The modeling school episode didn’t actually air until 4 months later. We’ll get to that episode in another few weeks.

Coming up next week: Jake’s father is hired by the school and Tony cheats on a test!