Channel Zero, “Want to see something cool?” Season 1, Episode 3; ALT Title: Like cool things, watch something else.


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There are some shows like Stranger Things, Lonesome Dove, or True Detective whose audacious vision is pushed ever forward by the rugged genius of its writing and directing staff, Channel Zero is NOT that show.

On its best day, Channel Zero is burgers and fries, but on its worst days, Channel Zero is like stale bread that has become horribly crunchy, difficult to digest, and every bite reveals unending torpor.  This particular episode is not terrible just for this series, but might be the the worst episode of television.  Because it is becoming ever more awful, it could get to be fun to watch like an Ed Wood film.  Since it has some mediocre episodes, it’s not Halloween Resurrection levels of crap overall, but it was awful.  There was a quasi-torture scene without suspense, a now hand sucking tooth-monster, and not much else.

Gary takes Mike to a house under renovation.  It turns out that Gary wanted it to be his dream house, but it didn’t work out for him.  Gary ties up Mike and questions him about the dead kids from yesteryear and Gary gets visitors: Tim and Brenda.  They want to beat Mike up to find out why Mike killed their friends and relatives – in the most slow moving way possible. Mike keeps saying that it’s the Candle Cove show…blah blah blah.  At one point, Tim pulls a gun and fails to create any suspense….at all, but Mike does gets shot in the arm …. off camera.

Jessica is talking to Mike’s Mom -MM.  She explains that she had an emotional affair with Mike and then he cut it off.  She figures out Mike is being held at their never to have dream house and heads over there with Deputy Amy and MM.  They stop Tim from killing Mike and Deputy Amy takes Gary’s gun, but doesn’t seem to arrest him.  Why do that? It could have raised the stakes, led to a struggle, or anything.  

Flashback- Eddie lures the Bully Kid to the crow’s nest and uses the Tooth Monster mojo to get the Bully Kid to jump off a cliff.

Tim goes into the woods and is killed and buried by random kids.  This happens almost entirely offscreen because this show wouldn’t want to interfere with a bathroom break. If you have the stomach flu, are a compulsive knitter, or need to take smoke breaks, this is the show for you.  

Brenda goes to the Evil Teacher who feeds the Tooth Monster.  Evil Teacher kills her with a hook for some reason and then hosts a cocoa drink party with the children who killed Tim.  Is this unnecessarily ambiguous, over the top, and dumb? You Betcha!!! 

Mike is back home.  His mother has a nightmare of the tooth monster sucking Mike’s fingers.  YEECH!  Then, his daughter, who lives 452 miles away, appears outside of MM’s house.  He asks, “How did you get here?” They cut to the Tooth Monster who I guess was going to say Kayak or Travelocity, but the episode ended so we will never learn how Mike’s daughter got there or if she got the lowest rate possible.

What can I tell you other than, I will stick with this show until its inevitable cancellation and is replaced with American Ninja Warrior Baking Championship or some such shit.

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Horror on TV: The Twilight Zone 3.24 “To Serve Man”


You know what?

I’ve spent this October irritated by the lack of episodes of the Twilight Zone on YouTube.  I mean, I understand the importance of copyright laws and everything but seriously, how can you take away the Twilight Zone in October!?

However, I finally managed to find one — and exactly one — episode of The Twilight Zone on YouTube.  And it’s a classic!  (And who knows how long it’ll be available so don’t hold off on watching it!)  Here is the classic “To Serve Man” episode of The Twilight Zone!

Enjoy and bon appetit!

 

Horror on TV: Thriller 2.17 “La Strega” (dir by Ida Lupino)


For tonight’s excursion into televised horror, we have an episode of Thriller!

This episode is called T and it deals with an artist (Alejandro Rey) who saves a young woman (Ursula Andress) from drowning.  It turns out that the local villagers believe that the woman is a witch.  The artist has no time for superstition and takes the woman back to his home.  She starts as his model and then becomes his lover.  She may not be a witch but her mother (Jeanette Nolan) definitely is…

And, of course, this episode is introduced by the one and only Boris Karloff!

The episode premiered on January 15th, 1962.

Horror on TV: Tales From the Crypt 7.10 “About Face” (dir by Thomas E. Sanders)


For tonight’s excursion, we have one final episodes from HBO’s Tales From The Crypt.

About Face is the 10th episode from the 7th and final season.  It deals with a Victorian-era minister who discovers that he has not one but two daughters.  And one of the daughters might be a little disturbed…

For the most part, the 7th season of Tales From the Crypt has a fairly bad reputation but About Face is better than the average 7th season episode.  Anthony Andrews does a good job as the hypocritical Anglican.

This episode first aired on June 28th, 1996.

Enjoy!

Horror on TV: Tales From the Crypt 7.2 “Last Respects” (dir by Freddie Francis)


Tonight’s excursion into televised horror is the 2nd episode of the 7th season of HBO’s Tales From The Crypt!  In Last Respects, three bickering sisters inherit not only a struggling store but also a monkey’s paw that grants wishes.  Of course, as with all wish-granting monkey paws, there’s a catch!

This episode was directed by veteran British cinematographer and horror director, Freddie Francis!

It originally aired on April 26th, 1996.

Enjoy!

Horror on TV: Tales From The Crypt 6.15 “You, Murderer” (dir by Robert Zemeckis)


To be honest, tonight’s episode of HBO’s Tales From The Crypt isn’t really a horror story.  Instead, it’s a somewhat satiric homage to film noir.  But I’m going to share it anyway. Halloween is about more than just ghouls and ghosts and goblins, right?

You, Murderer is an experiment that doesn’t quite work but is interesting all the same.  This episode is basically one long POV shot.  Whenever our protagonist sees his reflection, we see Humphrey Bogart staring back at us.  Actual footage of Bogart was used in the show.  Sometimes it work, sometimes it just looks strange.  But it’s always interesting!

This episode originally aired on January 25th, 1995.  Enjoy!

Horror on TV: Tales From The Crypt 6.1 “Let The Punishment Fit The Crime” (dir by Russell Mulcahy)


For tonight’s excursion into televised horror, we present you the premiere episode of the 6th season of HBO’s Tales From The Crypt!

In Let The Punishment Fit The Crime, attorney Geraldine Ferrett (Catherine O’Hara) is pulled over while driving through a small town in upstate New York.  It turns out that Geraldine didn’t have enough numbers on her licence plate.  (That’s because she has a vanity plate that reads, “Sue me.”)  It doesn’t sound like a huge crime but, as everyone at the courthouse keeps trying to warn her, she is in “a very strict town.”  Let The Punishment Fit The Crime is a satirical look at our overregulated and overlitigious society.

This episode originally aired on October 31st, 1994 — hey, this is a Halloween episode!

Enjoy!

 

A Few Thoughts On The Walking Dead 7.1 “The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be” (dir by Greg Nicotero)


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Well, we can all breathe again.

Tonight saw the premiere of the seventh season of The Walking Dead.  All this summer, we’ve been wondering who Negan would end up killing with Lucille, his barbed wire-covered bat.  Glenn seemed to be the obvious candidate, particularly since he had already miraculously (and, some would say, implausibly) escaped certain death on the show and he was also Negan’s victim in the comic.

However, none of us wanted it to be Glenn.  Ever since the show began, Glenn has been one of the most popular characters.  In many ways, he served as a stand-in for the audience.  Sure, everyone loves Darryl and Michonne but Glenn …. well, there was just something special about Glenn.  Whereas both Darryl and Michonne were born warriors and Rick Grimes was a former police officer who had been trained to think quickly in a crisis, Glenn was just a pizza delivery boy.  He was the guy who, by all logic, should not have survived the first week of the zombie apocalypse.  And yet, he did survive.  For sic seasons, we watched as Glenn grew and developed as a character.  When he “married” Maggie, it was more than just a plot twist.  It was proof that, even in the worst of circumstances, love could survive.

So, a lot of us told ourselves that there was no way that Glenn would die.  We told ourselves that Glenn was too popular of a character.  We mentioned all the other times that the show had led us to believe it was going to follow the plot of the comics just to suddenly go in a totally opposite direction.

Myself, I believe that Negan would kill Abraham.  Abraham seemed like the obvious choice, popular enough that his death would mean something but, at the same time, not so popular that the show would risk losing any viewers by killing him.

I was so confident in my prediction that I ever decided to make it official:

And I was right.

But I was also very wrong.

It took about 25 minutes for tonight’s episode of The Walking Dead to get around to showing us who Negan killed.  The episode really pulled out the suspense and I have to admit that I was worried they were going to go the entire hour without letting us know for sure.  (I remember Lost used to do that and it would drive me crazy.)  And when we saw Negan beat Abraham to death, I think a lot of people said, “Poor Abraham but at least it wasn’t Glenn…”

And then, a few minutes later, Darryl charged Negan and, after Darryl was subdued, Negan responded by beating Glenn to death.

(As Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who was so chillingly good as Negan, pointed out on The Talking Dead, Glenn would not have died if not for Darryl’s actions.)

It was hard to watch.  You can say that it’s just a TV show and that there are bigger things to worry about than the fate of a fictional character but, at that moment, it felt as if I was watching an old friend die.  For seven years, Glenn has been one of the show’s constants.  He’s been one of the few stable elements of The Walking Dead.  He’s always been there.

And now, he’s not.

While we were all still trying to recover from the deaths of both Glenn and Abraham, Negan was busy breaking Rick.  Rick has always been the leader.  He’s always been the guy who you can count on to ultimately do whatever needed to be done to protect the group.  Rick was the one who stepped up to shoot Sophia when she came out of that barn.  Rick was the one who, no matter how bad things got, everyone felt they could depend on.  In a world where it was often hard to find meaning or morality, Rick has always stood for something more than just ruthless survival.  And yet, last night, we saw a totally defeated Rick.  Not only did Rick watch helplessly as two of his people were brutally murdered but he was also nearly forced to chop off Carl’s hand.

(I know that a lot of viewers — myself included — were expecting Negan to chop off Rick’s hand in the RV.)

As I watched that scene with Rick and Carl, I couldn’t help but think about the biblical tale of Abraham and Isaac, a story that I have always hated.  God ordered Abraham to sacrifice his son and he waited until Abraham raised the knife to say, “Stop, it was just a test of your faith.”  (Abraham is so overjoyed that he never stops to ask, “What type of God would ask me to do something so terrible in the first place?”)  When Negan ordered Rick to chop off Carl’s hand and then stopped him only after he raised the hatchet, it was Negan’s way of saying that, for all intents and purposes, he is God.

Again, it wasn’t easy to watch.  But at least Maggie doesn’t appear to be ready to surrender.  Rick may have been broken.  Darryl may now be a hostage.  But Maggie is going to keep fighting.

Finally, I have to say that, after watching all of this, I am so incredibly thankful for Chris Hardwick and Talking Dead.  When Chris opened the show by promising that we were going to talk through what we had just witnessed, he wasn’t kidding.  Tonight’s episode of Talking Dead felt like a televised group therapy session.  It helped to see Steven Yeun and Michael Cudlitz on that stage with the rest of the cast.  After we just watched, we needed to see them all together.  We needed to see them laughing and joking and crying and hugging.  We needed that catharsis.

Talking Dead served as a reminder that it was just a TV show and nobody had really died.

So, why do so many of us still feel like we just said goodbye to a member of our family?

One final thought:

RIP, Abraham and Glenn

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Horror on TV: Thriller 2.6 “Masquerade” (dir by Herschel Daugherty)


For tonight’s excursion into the world of televised horror, here is the 6th episode of the 2nd season of Thriller!

Introduced by Boris Karloff, Masquerade tells the story of a married couple (Elizabeth Montgomery and Tom Poston) who find themselves checking into a creepy boarding house.  If the house looks familiar, that’s because it’s the same house that was used in Psycho!

The house is occupied by a family of cannibals.  And who plays the patriarch of this dangerous clan?  The always wonderful, theatrical, and intimidating John Carradine!

And, of course, there’s a fun little twist at the end!

This episode originally aired on the day before Halloween, October 30th, 1961.

Enjoy!

Channel Zero: Candle Cove Episode 2, ALT Title: Choosy Tooth Monsters Choose Teeth


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Cold Open: There’s an Old Man walking around who sees corpses of kids on the ground and in a tree and doesn’t seem to care.  Frankly, this is kind of how I felt about this episode.  It wasn’t great.  It had popping moments, but an overdose of sighs, pauses, and stares. I mean Twilight levels of stares.  The pilot and episode 2 were written by Don Mancini of Child’s Play and Halloween Wars Season 6.  I was really surprised that Don wrote episode 2.  The pilot was creepy and popped, but episode 2 fizzled.  This was a missed opportunity for a good show.  Here we go.

Katie is back home and watching Candle Cove on the tv and then stabs her brother with a hook.  Then, the show slows down to a crawl again.

Mike’s mom investigates the show and we get a lot of exposition about how the show was pirated onto RF signals and such.  Honestly, this was the nadir of the show, but it still has promise, if the writers decide to stop feeding the story shots of nyquil and turkey sandwiches with gravy.  

Hospital: Katie is under observation and their son Dane is in surgery.  This will be an awkward Hallmark Card! Jessica (Katie’s mom) asks Mike to come back and talk to Katie. The Cop kinda doesn’t like this, but doesn’t put up much of a fight either.  This is the theme of the whole episode…build up…fizzle…light random pop…fizzle.  Mike goes to talk to Katie and sees a crayon picture on the wall depicting Candle Cove. He shows Katie the drawing, which….doesn’t achieve much.  However, out of nowhere, Mike breaks the touch barrier with the kid, sending the dad into WTF-mode?!   The action happens through a screen: once Mike leaves- the tooth monster snuggles Katie.  This is creepy and gross, but not connected to the scene before it.  Therefore, the discourse between Mike and Katie didn’t need to happen and was a time waster!

Mike goes back home and shows his mom the drawing.  She believes it’s an “abandoned” cement plant.  Mike and Mike’s Mom (MM) go to cleanest and still seemingly operational cement plant- No graffiti, no beer bottles, no trash, nothing to indicate that the cement plant is not kept up and will be turned back on in 30 minutes.  In fact, it’s clinically clean. The art department really dropped the ball on this one.  Mike goes into the spooooooky cement factory and finds his brother’s corpse.  Then, Mike flashes back to stabbing his brother with a hook and burying him.

Mike goes to bed and sees the One-Character from Candle Cove who looks a lot like the lobster-thing from Futurama – upon research, it’s called Zoidberg and that’s what I’m calling this One-Eyed thing- Hi, Zoidberg.  Zoidberg causes Mike to flash again to his mom talking to her beat up son.  She says that when she told the bully’s parents, the bully’s mom laughed at her. This was not my upbringing.  My mother, a 12 Generation Tarheel, is perpetually armed. If someone laughed at her after they had just ganged up and beat me up,  I’d be visiting my badass Mom in Prison.  

Mike goes to the kitchen and tells his mom, ‘BTDubs, I killed my brother.’ [paraphrased] She tells him to leave, he won’t, she cuts him with a big knife. Then, Mike takes a nap. I’m starting to wonder if any of these writers grew up with human families.  The Cop shows up purportedly to arrest Mike, but not really.  It’s very vague as to what he plans on doing besides putting him in the backseat of his car.

They make a big deal out of this backseat thing; therefore, I will address the stupidity.  A cop needs to maintain control of a suspect for his safety and the safety of suspect.  The car did not have a partition, therefore, having Mike in the back is stupid and dangerous. Furthermore, Mike is not restrained in any way.  In this instance, the cop has a confessed murderer in custody and just has him in the back, with no cuffs, a clear shot taking out the cop, and relieving him of his service weapon!  This show really needs to think sometimes with a bit of commonsense.

Cop doesn’t take Mike to the station; instead, Cop just keeps driving … for some reason. It’s not spooky, it’s just kinda dumb.

The show ends with Mike’s former English teacher feeding the tooth monster teeth. GROSS!  Maybe, it’s Steve Martin under all of those teeth?!!  HA HA!

The episode has some good creepy parts, but it seems to lack a strong reality through story to contrast the weirdo elements of the story.  Channel Zero really needs to keep the real elements of the story real or this show will turn into a steaming pile very soon.  I have a lot of faith that this was just a bad second episode, which is not uncommon if your pilot had so much meat that second episode seemed like leftovers.  It would’ve benefitted from some sort of side-quest for Mike to accomplish.

Happy Halloween- it’s just around the corner!

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