Great Moments In Television History #27: The Final Scene of Dark Shadows

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

After five years of enthralling audiences with the story of Barnabas Collins and his family, Dark Shadows came to an end on April 2nd, 1971. By this point, the show itself had tried to return to its gothic roots by setting its latest storyline in 1841. During the show’s final episodes, Jonathan Frid played not Barnabas but instead, Bramwell Collins. Unfortunately, this didn’t help the show’s once strong ratings and ABC abruptly canceled Dark Shadows in 1971.

When the show ended, it did so in typical tongue-in-cheek fashion. With Bramwell and his love, Catharine Harridge, preparing to leave Collinsport, news suddenly came that there had been a vampire attack!

Or was it?

Previous Moments In Television History:

The Falling (1986, directed by Deran Serafian)

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

After a piece of the Skylab space station crashes into rural Spain, first the cows and then the wolves are infected by a cosmic virus that turns them into cannibalistic monsters. Soon, the virus spreads to a nearby town and the villagers also start to transform into mindless flesheaters. While NASA tries to contain the virus and keep the rest of the world from finding out, three American college students drive their RV into the village. Damon (Dennis Christopher), Michael (Martin Hewitt), and Samantha (Lynn-Holly Johnson) soon find themselves fighting for survival as they are pursued by both the mutants and the government. Working with a helpful scientist, they try to recover an antidote before it is too late.

Also released under the title Alien Predator, The Falling deserves a lot of credit for knowing exactly what it is. It’s a low budget, B-movie and it doesn’t try to convince us that it’s anything else. As soon as I saw the red buggy that was hooked up to the book of the RV, I knew that this was going to be good. Eventually, Michael gets in the dune buggy and gets chased around the village by the flesheaters and the movie starts to feel like an extended episode of Starsky and Hutch. The three leads are likable, even if they are also too old to be believable college students. Christopher makes jokes and tries to sound like James Cagney, Hewitt does a Rod Serling impersonation, and Lynn-Holly Johnson looks good while screaming. People who watch movies like this for the gore will appreciate the exploding head scene. All in all, The Falling is an enjoyable “bad” movie.

Dracula vs. Jimmy Carter: Who Would Win?

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

Earlier this week, I used the President Elect simulator to discover who would win if Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and The Mummy ran against each other in the 2024 presidential election. Dracula won easily. The Monster carried D.C. and that’s it.

Then, I decided to see what would have happened in Frankenstein’s Monster had run against Richard Nixon in 1960. Nixon won easily. Even though the Monster received more votes against Nixon than he did against Dracula, he was still only able to carry two states in the Deep South, Georgia and Mississippi.

Today, I decided to see how Dracula would have done against Jimmy Carter in 1976. I set up the simulation with the same economic and world conditions that Carter, Gerald Ford, and third party candidate Eugene McCarthy were debating in 1976. The only difference is that I substituted Dracula for Gerald Ford. No longer would Ford carry the stain of pardoning Nixon. Now, it would be Dracula. Again, I gave Dracula high score for his speaking ability, his personal magnetism, and his ability to stay cool under pressure. I also made sure that Dracula’s campaign platform represented his authoritarian politics.

In the end, Dracula’s platform didn’t matter. Watergate didn’t matter. The economy didn’t matter. Dracula wiped the floor with both Carter and McCarthy. Carter challenged Dracula to one debate. Dracula blew him out of the water. In real life, Carter narrowly defeated Ford after Ford lost their debates. In the simulation, Dracula dominated the election.

On election night, Carter got one piece of good news when he won the District of Columbia.

However, that would be all that Carter would win. Dracula won the next state and never looked back.

Carter was strangely competitive in Rhode Island, only losing the state by a few thousand votes. As for the rest of the states:

Sorry, Jimmy. The people have spoken.

Music Video of the Day: Don’t Cry by Guns ‘N Roses (1991, directed by Andy Morohan)

Posted on October 30, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

This is the video where Slash murders his girlfriend and then laughs about it.

Sure, there’s a lot of things that could be said about this video. It’s the first part of an unofficial trilogy of videos in which Axl Rose struggles to come to terms with the loss of his girlfriend (who, in the video, is played by Stephanie Seymour). Axl said that the scene with the gun was inspired by something that actually occurred between him and his ex-wife, Erin Everly. Everyone remembers the scene where the three Axls confront each other and also the epic girl fight at the piano bar. This video is also remembered for the sign reading, “Where’s Izzy?” Izzy Stradlin felt that the music videos were a waste of money and declined to show up on the day of filming. He would soon leave Guns N’ Roses.

But, in the end, this will always be the video where Slash drives over a cliff. As the guitar solo proves, Slash managed to get out of the car but apparently, his girlfriend wasn’t so lucky. It’s a weird scene but it’s also a fair portrayal as to how many people viewed Slash and Axl Rose within the context of Guns N’ Roses. Axl was the frontman who could sing everything but who also wore his vulnerability and instability on his sleeve for all the world to see. Slash was rock ‘n’ roll. Nothing got to him as long as he could keep on playing.

The older I get, the more I appreciate Guns N’ Roses. Say what you will about the self-indulgent nature of some of their albums and videos, Axl can sing and Slash can sure as Hell play.

Enjoy!

Claws (1977, directed by Richard Bansbach and Robert E. Pearson)

Posted on October 29, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

After a group of hunters wound a grizzly bear in Alaska, the bear mauls a logger named Jason Monroe (Jason Evers). Both the bear and Jason survive their initial meeting. For the next six years, the bear attacks people in the woods and Jason tries to move on from his experience. The indigenous people call the grizzly, “Satan Bear” and it seems like no one can stop it. But when Satan Bear dares to attack a group of boy scouts (including Jason’s son), Jason decides that it’s time to enter the woods and track down the bear.

Claws is like Jaws except the monster has claws. Actually, despite the similarity of their names, Claws isn’t really a rip-off of Jaws as much as it’s a rip-off of Grizzly, which was a rip-off of Jaws. Claws is a rip-off of a rip-off, complete with the all the usual characters who appear in revenge of nature films. Jason is the grizzled hunter. There’s an idealistic college student who knows all about bears. There’s a wise old native man who talks about spirit animals. What sets Claws apart from both Jaws and Grizzly is its heavy use of badly tinted stock footage and all of the flashbacks. The movie starts with a group of hunters shooting at two bears but it’s obvious that the actors playing the hunters were nowhere near the two bears that are featured in the stock footage. The flashbacks are used to fill in everyone’s backstory but none of them have anything to do with the bear so I’m not sure what the point of them was supposed to be. The movie would not be exciting even if it only focused on the bear attacks but adding all those dull flashbacks transforms Claws from being merely mediocre to a real challenge to sit through.

Claws was a flop when it was first released but, a year later, it found success when it was rereleased and retitled Grizzly 2. I guess the film’s distributor figured that they should just go ahead and admit it.

President Elect: Nixon vs Frankenstein’s Monster

Posted on October 29, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

Yesterday, I used the old President Elect simulator to determine who would win a presidential election between Frankenstein’s Monster, Dracula, and The Mummy. Dracula crushed both of his opponents, mostly because neither Frankenstein nor The Mummy could really speak.

Today, I decided to see if Frankenstein’s Monster would have had better luck if the Democrats had nominated him to run against Richard M. Nixon in 1960. In the real world, John F. Kennedy narrowly defeated Nixon, despite the popularity of Dwight Eisenhower. (Kennedy had some extra help in Illinois.) Nixon had the experience and the depth of policy knowledge but Kennedy had the charisma that Nixon lacked. After logging into President Elect, I imagined a situation in which the Democrats of 1960 turned not to Kennedy but to Frankenstein’s Monster. Just as he had with Dracula, I imagined that Frankenstein would run on a largely non-partisan platform that put strong emphasis on fire prevention. As well, I had to give Frankenstein low scores on his speaking ability and his ability to stay cool under pressure. But he did get a high personal magnetism score because people have been interested in him for over 200 years. Would that be enough to beat the similarly challenged Nixon?

No, it would not.

Just as with the campaign against Dracula, it was obvious who was going to win from the start. Frankenstein’s Monster barely campaigned and, unlike Kennedy, he refused to debate Nixon.

On election night, the first result told the story.

The good news is that, unlike when he ran against Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster actually did manage carry a state. In fact, he carried two. He won both Mississippi and Georgia, receiving 51% of the vote in both. Every other state, he lost to Nixon.

The final vote tally:

Managing to win 43% of the vote while being unable to speak or be around fire is actually pretty impressive. But Frankenstein’s Monster still could not beat Richard Nixon.

Music Video of the Day: West End Girls (New Lockdown Version) by Pet Shop Boys (2020, directed by Luke Halls)

Posted on October 29, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

This is the second video for the Pet Shop Boys’s West End Girls, updated for the age of lockdowns. In 2020, you could still sing about the girls in the West End. You just couldn’t leave your house and go down there to see them.

Enjoy!

Rush Week (1991, directed by Bob Bralver)

Posted on October 28, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

When campus coeds start to go missing, student journalist Toni Daniels (Pamela Ludwig) investigates. At first, she suspects that a local fraternity is responsible and that all of the disappearances are linked to the college’s notoriously wild rush week. But, after she starts dating Jeff (Dean Hamilton), the president of the fraternity, Toni decides that the killer is probably actually Arnold (John Donavon), a cook in the school’s cafeteria who asked all of the missing girls to model for him. While Toni and Jeff try to prove that Arnold is responsible for all of the recent disappearances, the school’s puritanical Dean (Roy Thinnes), tries to keep rush week under control. Good luck with that because no one controls rush week.

Rush Week is a mixes two genres, the campus comedy and the slasher film and it tries to proves that not even a string of murders can spoil a good frat party. Unfortunately, it doesn’t do a very good job at it. The comedy isn’t funny, the kills aren’t scary, and the identity of the murderer is obvious from the start. (Surprise, it’s not Arnold.) The best performance comes from Roy Thinnes, who gives a performance as the Dean that would make John Vernon proud. (Almost every actor eventually reaches a point where they have to start taking John Vernon roles to pay the bills.) Like a lot of bad 90s slashers, Rush Week used to be show up frequently on Late Night Cinemax. Most people who watched it probably did so because Kathleen Kinmont played the student whose disappearance sets the entire movie in motion. Kinmont plays a character named Julie Ann McGuffin. She’s an actual MacGuffin and that’s about as clever as the script gets.

Frankenstein vs. Dracula vs. The Mummy: Who Would Win?

Posted on October 28, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

If the next presidential election were held today and the major candidates were Frankenstein, Dracula, and The Mummy, who would win?

I know that’s a question that has been on everyone’s mind and, in order to find out, I went to the Internet Archive and ran the scenario through a game called President Elect. President Elect was developed as an election simulator in the 80s and it is still considered to be one of the best and most accurate games of its type. Over the years, President Elect has correctly predicted the results of almost every election since 1988.

After setting the game to duplicate both the fragile state of the American economy and the uncertain outlook of our current place in the world, I then selected my three nominees. Frankenstein’s Monster ran as the Democratic candidate. He had no platform, beyond more funds for fire prevention. As a public speaker, I had to give him a low rating and I also had to admit that he wasn’t good at maintaining his cool under pressure. However, I did give him high marks on the “personal magnetism” scale because people have been fascinated by the monster for over two hundred years. Frankenstein’s Monster may seemed like the underdog but perhaps voters would be moved by his personal story and his refusal to take definite positions on the issues.

Running for the Republicans was Dracula. As for as public speaking, personal magnetism, and staying calm under pressure, Dracula got the highest rating available. But his platform was undeniably extreme, with absolutely no concern for human rights. Dracula was the only candidate to be opposed to the agendas of the Religious Right, the National Organization for Women, and the NRA. (The last thing that a vampire would want would be for everyone to have access to silver bullets.) Would he be too extreme for the voters?

Finally, running as an independent was the Mummy. The Mummy had roughly the same platform as Dracula but little of the personal magnetism. In fact, the Mummy could not even speak. But he was determined to get what he wanted and again, he scored high on the personal magnetism because he’s been in so many movies despite spending all of his time under wraps.

I allowed the game to simulate the 9 weeks between Labor Day and the election. Not surprisingly, Frankenstein’s Monster refused to debate Dracula. As a third party candidate, the Mummy struggled to keep up financially. I was expecting a close election with a lot of fireworks but instead, it was clear from week one who was going to win. Dracula led in the polls from the start and, within the first hour of election night, he had the 270 electoral votes necessary to claim the presidency. He went on to win a lot more than just 270 though.

Here are the votes by state:

America went full Dracula, not only giving him 60% of the popular vote but also 535 electoral votes. Frankenstein’s Monster won only the District of Columbia and, even then, he only received 67% of the vote in this Democratic stronghold. After D.C., Frankenstein’s best states were Minnesota and Rhode Island, in which he took 47% of the vote. The Mummy turned out not to be a factor at all, despite winning 5% of the vote in Florida. Frankenstein’s Monster may have had the most compassionate platform but Dracula had the charisma. His best states were Idaho and Utah, both of which he won with 71% of the vote.

See you at the inauguration!

Music Video of the Day: On A Wicked Night by Danzig (2010, directed by Glenn Danzig)

Posted on October 28, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

October is a good month for Danzig. In this music video, Glenn Danzig gets back to nature. Say what you will about Danzig because his music isn’t necessarily for everyone. But Danzig could easily shove much of today’s wimpy rockers into a locker.

Enjoy!