Cold Terror: Dead of Winter (1987, directed by Arthur Penn)


Katie (Mary Steenburgen) is a struggling actress with an out-of-work husband (William Russ) and a deadbeat brother (Mark Malone).  Desperately in need of money, Kate goes to an open audition and is immediately hired by Mr. Murray (Roddy McDowall), who explains that Katie will have to meet with one of the film’s investors, the wheelchair-bound Dr. Lewis (Jan Rubes).  In the middle of a raging snowstorm, they go to Dr. Lewis’s home and, once they’ve arrived, Katie discovers that she is meant to replace an actress who looked exactly like her but who Dr. Lewis claims had a nervous breakdown.  She’s told that she must stay the night so she can meet the director in the morning and when she tries to call her husband to let him know where she is, the line is dead.  (For those born after 1996, the line being dead was the 80s equivalent of not being able to get a signal.)  Dr. Lewis says it must be due to the storm but he promises to have Mr. Murray take her into town in the morning.  Of course, the next morning, the car doesn’t start and it becomes clear that Dr. Lewis is not planning on ever letting Katie leave his home.

Dead of Winter is a throw-back to the type of gothic, damsel-in-distress films that actresses like Nina Foch, Ingrid Bergman, and Linda Darnell used to make back in the 1940s and 50s.  If you can accept that anyone could ever be as naive as Katie, it’s not that bad of a thriller.  Director Arthur Penn fills his movie with homages to Hitchcock and the scene where a drugged Katie wakes up to discover that she’s missing a finger is an effectively nasty shock.  By the end of the movie, Mary Steenburgen has played three different characters and she does a good job as all three of them.  Jan Rubes makes Dr. Lewis’s too obviously evil but Roddy McDowall is great as the polite but psychotic Mr. Murray.  When Mr. Murray sees that Katie has tried to escape by climbing out a window, he yells, “Oh dear!” and only Roddy McDowall could have pulled that off.

Dead of Winter was Arthur Penn’s second-to-last theatrical film.  After making films like Bonnie and Clyde, Little Big Man, and Alice’s Restaurant, Penn’s career went into decline as the American film industry became increasingly centered around blockbusters and Penn’s cerebral approach fell out of favor.  After Dead of Winter, Penn would direct Penn & Teller Get Killed before returning to his roots as a television director.  Penn ended his long and distinguished career as an executive producer on Law & Order.

Weekly Trailer Round-Up: Bohemian Rhapsody, Vox Lux, Bird Box


The upcoming Freddy Mercury biopic, Bohemian Rhapsody, did not have an easy path to completion.  After spending an eternity in Development Hell as the producers tried to find an actor who could bring Mercury to life, the movie finally went into production with Bryan Singer directing.  After Singer was fired, Dexter Fletcher was brought in to complete the film.  Early reviews have not been positive but everyone seems to agree that Rami Malek nails the lead role.  Bohemian Rhapsody will be released on November 2nd and its final trailer leads off this week’s trailer round-up.

If Bohemian Rhapsody has not sated your appetite for films about flamboyant pop stars, Vox Lux, which stars Natalie Portman, will be released on December 7th.

In Bird Box, a family has to survive in a post-apocalyptic world.  The twist is that they have to do it without being able to see anything.  Bird Box will be released on December 21st.

Finally, a new trailer for How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World has been released and it promises a trip to a world that will blow your mind and excite your imagination.  How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World will be unleashed on February 22nd.

Vampire Party: An American Vampire Story (1997, directed by Luis Esteban)


When his parents leave to spend the summer in Europe, Frankie (Trevor Lissauer) has the entire mansion to himself.  Frankie wants to spend the time getting closer to his girlfriend, Dee Dee (Daisy Torme), but his best friend Bogie (Danny Hitt) says that it’s time to “party hearty!”  (That’s right.  Someone in a film made after 1991 says that it’s time to party hearty.)  Bogie thinks that the best way to party would be to invite Moondoggie (Johnny Venocur) and his gang (which includes Carmen Elecrta) to hang out at the house.  But then it turns out that Moondoggie is a vampire and once he’s invited in, he refuses to leave!  Even worse, Dee Dee dumps Frankie for Moondoggie!  Luckily, there is one man on the beach who can help Frankie out of his predicament.  They call him the Big Kahuna, he wears a Hawaiian shirt and he’s played by Adam West.

This is really, really dumb but at least it’s got Adam West saying lines like, “Stop that sucking!” and “Holy wipe out!”  The movie is supposed to be a throwback to the old Frankie and Annette beach party movies from the 60s, just with vampires.  (Moondoggie’s real named is Count Erich Von Zipper.)  What the movie didn’t take into account is that there was already a perfectly good Beach Party movie with vampires and it was called The Lost Boys.  Don’t be fooled by that PG-13 rating or the way that Carmen Electra is posing on the poster.  An American Vampire Story is a tame and bloodless vampire story.  The cast is game but most of the jokes fail to land like they should and ultimately, only Adam West keeps the anemic tale alive.

Death From Above: Beaks: The Movie (1987, directed by Rene Cardona, Jr.)


The birds are pissed off.  A hang glider gets pecked to death while flying through the sky.   A chicken farmer is devoured. A professional hunter loses an eye to a bird and then has to use the remaining one to watch as the birds savagely attack his granddaughter’s birthday party.  A family on vacation is forced to run for cover as their attacked by pigeons and doves.  From South America to Spain to Puerto Rico, the birds are organizing and they are attacking.  Can journalist Vanessa (Michelle Johnson) and her cameraman Peter (Christopher Atkins) figure out why the birds are attacking or are they destined to become the latest victims of the avian terror?

This may sound like the Hitchcock film but Beaks was directed by Mexico’s Rene Cardona, Jr. and that makes all the difference.  Following in the footsteps of his father, Cardona was the king of Mexican B-movies.  There was no idea strange enough or plot stupid enough that Rene Cardona, Jr. couldn’t take it and turn it into a really bad movie.  Even by his standards, Beaks is bad as pigeons and doves are tossed at screaming actors.  Why are the birds attacking?  Caronda shows us a polluted lake as if to say, “Any questions?”  In the end, the birds attack until they suddenly don’t anymore but don’t get too cocky because there are other animals out there that are looking mighty disgruntled.

For some reason, in the late 80s and early 90s, Christopher Atkins had a very busy career in bad movies.  Seeing the Atkins name in the cast was usually a good sign that it was time to change the channel.  In Beaks, he gets the best line when he says, “These birds know what they’re doing!”  The film’s second best line goes to another actor, Gabriele Tinti, who says, “Fucking bird, flapping everywhere.”

If Hitchcock made The Birds with less skill but more gore and gratuitous nudity, the end result would still be better than Beaks.

All That Vampire Jive: Old Dracula (1975, directed by Clive Donner)


Count Dracula (David Niven) is old and lost in the swinging seventies.  He has been reduced to opening up his castle to tourists and Playboy Bunny photoshoots. When his manservant drains the blood from the bunnies, Dracula discovers that one of them has the same blood type as his comatose wife, Vampira.  Dracua decides to use the blood to finally revive his wife but, when he does so, Vampira turns into a black woman played by Theresa Graves.  (Graves is best remembered for playing the title character on Get Christie Love.)  Vampira keeps calling Dracula a “jive turkey” while Dracula heads to London to try to collect more blood cells.

The idea of David Niven playing a comedic Dracula seems like a no-brainer but Old Dracula is one of those films that is so dated and unintentionally racist that you worry you’re going to go to Hell just for watching it.  It seems like the film was trying to satirize race relations in the same way that Godfrey Cambridge and Melvin Van Peebles did in Watermelon Man but most of the jokes fall flat.  The film also tries to mine humor out of Dracula, with his old world manners, trying to survive in the modern world but, again, there’s not much here beyond the idea of Dracula being old.  The concept is far funnier than the execution.  While Theresa Graves is a lively presence, David Niven often seems to be tired and weary.  I can only guess he really needed the money because Niven’s heart does not seem to be in the film and even his famous natural wit is muted in most of his scenes.  Niven does get a few decent one-liners but otherwise, Old Dracula is a painful relic.

Old Dracula is often mistakenly referred to as being a rip-off of Young FrankensteinOld Dracula was actually made a year before Young Frankenstein but it sat on the shelf for two years before American International Pictures finally decided to release it.  The title of the film was originally Vampira but AIP changed it to capitalize on the success of Mel Brooks’s far more successful film.

I Want My R-TV: Spellcaster (1992, directed by Rafal Zielinski)


Give Charles Band a castle and a D-List celebrity and he’ll give you a movie!

In Spellcaster, which Band produced in 1988 but didn’t release until 1992, the castle is in Italy and there’s not one but three D-list celebrities.  British DJ Richard Blade plays Rex, who is a VJ on R-TV, a cable station that only shows music videos.  (A music station that actually plays music?  Imagine that!)  Bunty Bailey, who was the hot girl in Aha’s Take Me On video, is Cassandra, an alcoholic rock star.  Finally, Adam Ant is Signor Diablo, who owns the castle.

The plot of the movie is that R-TV is hosting a contest where the winners get to go to Diablo’s castle and not only meet Rex and Cassandra but also search for a million dollar check.  The contest winners are a snooty British woman, a sex-obsessed Italian, a sexy French woman, an overweight New Yorker, a blonde vegan, and a brother and a sister who could really use the money.  They are a collection of clichés and none of them are very interesting, sympathetic, or smart.  Not even the Italian notices that their host is named Mr. Devil.

The search for the money is a bust because the guests keep dying.  For instance, the overweight New Yorker eats a stuffed pig, turns into a pig himself, and then gets shot by the snooty British woman, who just happened to bring a rifle with her because all snooty Brits enjoy hunting.  Another person ends up getting eaten by a chair that has a lion’s head carved into it.  When the lion comes to life and chomps down its jaws, the teeth are obviously foam rubber.  It all has to do with Signor Diablo’s crystal ball, where he’s building a collection of souls.

With the casting Adam Ant and Bunty Bailey, Spellcaster tried to be a horror movie for the MTV generation but it came out several years too late.  By the time Spellcaster was released, grunge had taken over MTV and both Adam Ant and the Take Me On video seemed like relics from another age.  The film itself is a mostly dull affair, one that will be best appreciated by people who are nostalgic for the type of bad movies that used to show up on late night cable.

Rebel Days: All-American Murder (1991, directed by Anson Williams)


Artie Logan (Charlie Schlatter) is a wannabe James Dean who keeps getting kicked out of school because he is such a rebel.  His father, a judge, gives Artie one more chance.  Artie can either enroll at Fairfield College or he can go to jail.  Artie chooses Fairfield, where he meets and falls for the beautiful and popular Tally Fuller (Josie Bissett).  However, no sooner does Artie show up for their first date than someone sets Tally on fire and crashes through a window.  Artie is the number one suspect but Detective P.J. Decker (Christopher Walken) still gives him 24 hours to solve the murder and clear his name.  Artie investigates and discovers that Tally was not the innocent, all-American girl that everyone thought she was.  This leads to a nudity-filled flashback that explains why All-American Murder was an HBO mainstay in the 90s.  It also leads to other people being murdered by snakes and hand grenades.

Despite some bloody murders and the presence of Walken and Joanna Cassidy in potentially interesting supporting roles, All-American Murder fails because it asks us to accept Charlie Schlatter as being a charismatic rebel.  When Joanna Cassidy tells him that he’s a “renegade,” not even she sounds like she believes it.  The murder mystery is intriguing but Artie is so obnoxious that you want him to go to prison whether he’s guilty or not.

All-American Murder was directed by Anson Williams, who is best known for playing Potsie on Happy Days.  The Fonz could have framed Ralph Malph for this murder in half the time that it takes Artie to solve it.

Linda Blair In Oz: Fatal Bond (1992, directed by Vince Monton)


Fatal Bond is another Australian exploitation flick starring Linda Blair.

In this one, Linda plays a hairdresser named Leonie.  When a drifter named Joe (Jerome Ehlers) crashes a birthday party that Leonie’s attending, it’s lust at first sight.  Even though Joe is a violent womanizer who steals milk and headbutts anyone who looks at him crossly, Leonie still takes him home with her.  Soon, Joe is crashing in Leonie’s bedroom and Leonie is providing Joe with an alibi whenever the police come looking for him.  (Joe says that he has a lot of parking tickets.)  When one of Joe’s one night stands turns up dead, Leonie starts to suspect that Joe might be responsible.

Like Dead Sleep, Fatal Bond features Linda Blair as an American who lives in Australia and who has bad taste in men.  While Linda Blair has never been a great actress, she’s almost always brings grit, determination, and a will to survive to her roles.  Unfortunately, none of that is on display in Fatal Bond, where she’s such a pushover that she lets Joe take over her life.  There’s not really much to the whole serial killer storyline either, especially not when the murderer’s identity will be obvious to anyone watching.  There’s also another subplot in the movie about Joe searching for his brother, who has gone missing.  Fatal Bond doesn’t know if it’s a Linda Blair thriller or a standard Australian crime film.

Don’t be fooled by the sexy cover art.  I love a good Linda Blair movie but Fatal Bond was just boring.  If you do see the film, keep an eye out for Joe Bugner, the former heavyweight boxer who once fought Muhammad Ali.  Bugner has a small role as a lowlife criminal in Fatal Bond.  His partner-in-crime is Mel’s younger brother, Donal Gibson, stepping into a role that was originally earmarked for Russell Crowe.

 

 

Music Video of the Day: We Need A Gimmick by Nekrogoblikon (2015, directed by George Nienhuis)


Who are Nekrogoblikon?

This is what it says over on their website:

What happens when you put a bunch of bloodthirsty, music-loving goblins together? Well, a lot of disembowelment, but also a lot of catchy tunes. Formed six millennia ago, and practicing only every other leap year on a full moon, the band has perfected their brand of crushing goblin music.

Nekrogoblikon is also a band that was formed in 2006 in Palo Alto, California and who have built a loyal cult following by performing songs about goblins.  In 2012, the band uploaded a video to YouTube for their song, No One Survives.  It was about a goblin trying to win the affection of one of his co-workers (played by Kayden Kross).  No One Survives became a viral hit so their video for We Need A Gimmick features John Goblikon (played by David Rispoli) using what he’s learned to help Nekrogoblikon find the gimmick that will keep Earthlings from realizing that the members of the band are actually goblins from outer space.  Along the way, the video parodies rap, EDM, and Justin Timberlake.  And, of course, Kayden Kross returns.

Nekrogoblikon has shown a longevity that would probably surprise those who originally dismissed them as merely being a novelty act.  On April 13th, they released their 5th album, Welcome to Bonkers.

 

 

Going There: Bad Blood (1989, directed by Chuck Vincent)


Oh man, this is a twisted movie.

Yuppie lawyer Ted (adult film actor Randy Spears, credited here as Gregory Patrick) is shocked when he sees a painting of a man who looks just like him.  He is told that the portrait was painted in 1964 and that the man in the painting is the late husband of the artist, Arlene (porn legend Georgina Spelvin, credited here at Ruth Raymond).  Arlene goes on to reveal that Ted is actually her long-lost son and then she invites him and his wife, Evie (Linda Blair, credited here as Linda Blair), to come out to her mansion.  What Ted doesn’t realize is that Arlene believes that he is actually her husband reincarnated and she is planning on doing away with Evie so that she can have her son all to herself and do what it is she wants to do with him.  Yes, this film goes there.

Chuck Vincent was one of the leading directors of the Golden Age of Porn.  Unlike most other adult film directors, his movies were popular with not only the public but also with critics.  (His best-known film, Roommates, received a rave in the New York Times.)  In the 80s, Vincent tried to make the move into mainstream film, mostly directing sex comedies and dopey thrillers.  Most of his mainstream films featured adult performers in dramatic roles, which made them very popular on late night cable.

Bad Blood feels like a combination of Fatal Attraction and Misery.  There’s even a scene where Arlene ties up her son in bed and then breaks his toes to keep him from leaving.  (Bad Blood, though, came out a year before Rob Reiner’s film so the resemblance is probably a coincidence.)  Spelvin, who was widely regarded as being the best actress to ever regularly appear in pornographic movies, gives a great, demented performance as Arlene and Linda Blair is also good as Evie.  Chuck Vincent was a good director, even when he was doing schlocky straight-to-video stuff like this.  Perhaps because of his background in adult films, Vincent never hesitated about taking his films to the places where other directors would be scared to tread.  Sadly, Vincent died in 1991 and most of his movies have fallen into obscurity.