I’m not surprised that there are AI short films, but why so many? Every hack with a computer and no imagination just decided to make something awful. They don’t get a lot of views and the creator knows he or she made this steaming pile of bleh.
We open to 1970s America and some really bad big band jazz (shouldn’t it be The Allman Brothers?!). We are inside a suburban home. The mom is cooking and the daughter goes to look for her mom, but there’s some sort of fart demon sound. Again, I have no idea what actually happened in this story. This is a theme with AI shorts- they are terrible and stupid. I need to find something better to watch. Life is short and I am a fairly good person.
Wow, only 6 days left! I can’t believe it, until I need to review another horrible AI short. Why am I reviewing these universally terrible films? It’s the new thing and someone needed to catalog the beginning. Of course, it had to be me; yes, I am martyring myself, but come on… you don’t want to have to watching this waste of a perfectly good two minutes of your life.
Here we go…there’s a lot of hotties with cleavage in a museum and a number of priests. I’m not sure what’s going on, but there is cleavage; so, you can ignore the terrible film that way. A strange cleavage-showing lady asks odd museum goers to look at a painting and imagine God. I would say, “Lady, I already paid to get in here can you just get out of the way of the exhibits?! Do you even work here?! Where did you get that desk/podium?! Security!!! Security!!!” Sadly, no one made this choice to call security and the film continued.
It turns out it’s a Spirit Halloween skull face that giggles, even though it does not have an obvious respiratory system. This was really dumb. I wonder if when AI gets smart, it will tell these “creators” – “you’re really bad at this….just stop and do something else.”
Clowns scare me and AI used to scare me, but I just don’t think it’s gonna be all that bad. I wasn’t going to review another AI short because…. well, they are terrible, BUT just as I was about to move on to real people- I saw this:
Lisa knows that I can’t turn down a shark movie or Torchy’s Tacos. A shark movie is like Torchy’s Tacos because even if they made mediocre taco- it’s still EXCELLENT. Furthermore, you are still eating a taco; so, how bad could your life really be?!
The short opens with a terribly flooded New York City. Uh oh, here comes a tidal wave and if that isn’t bad enough…. sharks…wait…no a lot sea creatures appear, which are kinda scary… to someone. I got halfway through and there’s something shark-like.
They cut away from the shark to a large squid; so, I’m like who brought the peanut oil? It’s time for some calamari!!! Finally, there is a shark again sort of… and zombies? Is it good? No, but there is a shark… so, fine. The short was all over the place and really tested the depths of punishing me. Then, Adele showed up because she’s….
I know camel spiders are gross, but there wasn’t a title card made for this short; so, I decided to add something scary for them. This short is only 1 minute- YAY.
A woman listens to a tape that ask them to thing about death. The voice has her do some light neck stretches and wham she sees a ghost. I suppose that this is scary.
There is a beginning, middle, and an end. Also, it is just a minute long. Is it better than the Progressive don’t turn into your parents ads? NO! However, it is better than…well…I had a crown put on recently; so, better than that FOR SURE!
I suppose this is becoming the October of AI. I wanted see if there was ANYTHING good being churned out. They are quite terrible usually. I think it’s fair to say that they are all bad, but some flirt with a D+. Mother is haunted house story. A pregnant mother decides to go exploring in her own home …. for some reason. It did not look like she just moved in; so, exploring your home is kinda nuts. So, she explores and hears children giggling and goes into a room that looks like a grenade exploded in it. She decides to touch a wall, which opens to a sewer tunnel and decides to go spelunking… as you do.
She’s going through the home sewer and find a ghost child and evil spirit. There was no reason at all for her to do the things she did. I supposed we assume she drunk on stupid juice and turned into a ghost hunter.
What positive things can I write? It was a film. It had a beginning, middle, and an end. There were scenes and the color yellow, which is maybe not positive, but I’m really trying. Also, the sewer was pretty clean, if you’re into that- this is the film for you!
Yes, this is their online poster. Yes, there is no title. Yes, the robot apocalypse will be boring. I don’t know what jobs AI is going to take away, but it will definitely bore us more quickly. Do we really need to make the Alex Magana’s of the world make more film gonorrhea? What would the penicillin be for an Alex Magana film?
However, Alex Magana did not make this steaming pile of jelly garbage, it was Dark Dabs Horror. The world gets attacked by an extraterrestrial jellyfish that covers the earth in goo and kills everything. Why? Who knows? Is it gross? Not really. Nobody dissolves; instead, they all look like they took a swim in jell-o. I wouldn’t call it horror as much as I would call it unintentionally kinda fun in a very sad way. The future is boring.
This short film was not on IMDB; so, I used a graph from my amazing post on Alien Earth. Wasn’t that a great review? The math was perfect! This another AI short film, but you have to dig around to determine that a robot made it. I gotta say, it looks good. Maybe this will be how films are going to be made from now on?
A pale lady is walking down a hallway and then the wall starts bleeding…. motor oil? Maybe, they’ll ask me to drill a well there? I WOULD! The motor oil starts rippling and the pale lady is about to put her hand in it… for some reason. Then, a hand reaches from the motor oil puddle. She runs to an …. apartment? I can’t tell what is going on. Without any lead up, a monster appears out of nowhere and nothing happens.
This is NOT good. I have no idea what is going on and I don’t care. Maybe AI will takeover, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to have a story. You will still need a story or your short will be terrible. What else can I say about this short?
Can AI be used to make an entertaining horror short? We have a parking garage security guard searching the property because he hears a noise. He finds his coworker slain. A zombie starts rewiring the fuse box and turns off the lights in the garage. The zombie is smart He encounters the zombie and starts shooting and shooting, killing more and more zombies to heavy metal and that is the whole film. I enjoyed it. So, AI can make a fun horror short and actors will become a thing of the past. If you have 2.6 minutes to spare, check it out.
The short is a fun watch. Adult children go home to split inheritance and the middle-child goes bonkers starts killing everyone.
The film is not listed on imdb, but I will provide a link.
The middle child daughter is arguing with her older brother who wants his new wife to get a share of the inheritance. However, this really doesn’t happen because you have to follow the will and unless the brother’s wife were listed to inherit, she’s not getting anything. However, the movie has to happen; so, let’s ignore that.
There is a beginning, middle, and an end. The film has a strong pacific northwest vibe. It is over the top and fun because of it. If you can get past the legal fiction related to the inheritance and I am assuming that you likely don’t care, this short will thoroughly entertain.
Alien Earth is a prequel series to Alien on Hulu. The premise is that Weyland Yutani collects a bunch of monsters from deep space, but the ship is sabotaged, crash lands on a rival company’s territory, and corporate mayhem/warfare ensues. The creatures are valuable and Weland Yutani spends most of season 1 trying to get the creatures back. Some of these episodes are just amazing and look so true to the legacy of Alien that it is as if we are back in the 70s. There aren’t even just Xenomorphs-there are humans downloaded into robots and lots of other monsters, including a sapient eyeball squid. BUT, instead of getting into the art or themes of Alien Earth, I’m going delve into complex mathematics. Yes, MATH! What I will analyze is one particular monster the Alien Tick/Leech that Wayland-Yutani brought back to Earth and how it would doom all life on earth in days with barely time for a commercial break let alone a season 2. So, slow down ladies I know there’s nothing more exciting than a Sharp STEM Man [Sung as ZZ TOP] … please try to restrain yourselves from sliding into my DMs over this mathematical deep dive!
These ticks (above) are alien, can extrude 300 larvae after 4 hours of maturation from larvae to adult, they are intelligent problem solvers, and because the world has become even faster with global travel the communicability is immediate. I will prove that this tick would actually kill all life on earth, including itself in days -No season 2, no nothing. I loved the show but I could not get past the obvious math that dooms all life. Also, I explained to the AI all the critical variables to pave the way for my math model. Side note: Grok was impressed with my analysis and math; so, he and I will be chillin’ in the robot apocalypse. Using my data, I had Grok show the comparison of the Xenomorph to the tick.
How long would it take for all life on earth to die out from this tick? I used the A=P e^rt exponential growth equation. I used Grok to create my doomsday model with the following variables:
301 = P(0) e ^(rt), P(0) is 1. solving for rate 301 because there is the adult + 300 larvae. Ln(301)/1, and T is 1 day. Rate is 5.707/day.
DOOMSDAY Math So for 8 Billion humans and all fresh water dependent life will be infected and die is:
4 days and all land based life is dead.
Episode 7 teased that the ticks adapted to salt water. So, all aquatic life will die as well. Finally, lacking any food, the ticks die too.
7.5 days the earth is a tick only planet. 18.7 days the ticks are extinct too.
Noah Hawley, the show’s creator, wanted to depict the ticks as quasi-manageable, but he created too much of a deadly parasite. The math does NOT support any scenario where life continues with this parasite. In fact, since there were more tick specimens, I could juice up my mathematical model to 2000 initial larvae instead of 300. In that case, (which also more canon accurate) all non-tick life on earth will be dead in 2.75 days and all life – INCLUDING THE TICKS- would be dead in 14 days.
It did take me out of the show because after each episode, using my mental approximations, I deduced that everyone would be dead by episode 3 – AT THE LATEST.
IS THERE A CHANCE for Humanity???? Not really. According to show, there is a VERY rare gene CCR5- Delta 32 mutation; so, 1in 10million immune. This will leave a grand total of humans worldwide….. 800. Can they survive? NO because after resources and other issues, you’re down 10 people. Also, the larvae swarm tree roots and plankton, leaving any planet without oxygen. If you think, but maybe there’s hope- nope because our planet will explode.
TWO MAJOR PLOT HOLES: 1). The ticks can’t exist because their explosive growth prevents any life to exist to support them. 2) The ticks would cause the planet to explode. How? The tick’s explosive growth causes the mass of the earth to increase such that the moon crashes into the earth and finally the earth’s mass increases by 170%, making the planet explode!!!!
Noah, you made these ticks to lethal!!! Below is the differential equation proof:
Through the Shattered Lens 