Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.8 “Burnout”

Posted on March 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

Oh no! It’s the cops!

Episode 1.8 “Burnout”

(Dir by Lyndon Chubbuck, originally aired on April 20th, 1996)

This episode of Pacific Blue opens with a hilarious scene of Victor and Cory sneaking up on some drug dealers that they’ve spotted making a sale. What makes it hilarious is that Victor and Cory somehow manage to do this while 1) wearing their blindingly white t-shirts and 2) riding their bikes. There’s not much good to say about this show but there’s an undeniable amusement factor in the show’s insistence that bicycle cops don’t look massively dumb creeping up on people while on their bikes.

It turns out that the dealers aren’t selling the usual “smack,” as Cory puts it. Instead, they’re selling steroids! Sheila (Shannon Tweed) is upset that one of her waitresses had gotten hooked on steroids and…. wait, who? Sheila briefly appeared in the pilot episode but she hasn’t been mentioned since and this is certainly the first time that we learn that Lt. Palermo’s girlfriend owns a restaurant. This episode acts as if Sheila is a regular character that we all know and love.

I get the feeling this episode was meant to air earlier in the season. Not only does Sheila return but Chris is back to being her arrogant, bitter self. Chris was a fighter pilot until her eyesight failed, a story we hear again and again in this episode. (She no longer has 20/20 eyesight but whenever she talks about it, she makes it sound as if she literally went blind.) Another pilot, Greg (Peter Barton), comes to visit her and makes a few jokes about how riding a bicycle is lame. This gives Chris a chance to defend her job and to also call out Greg for being a sexist who just wants to get laid before returning to the skies. Chris may be right about Greg but he’s played by the totally adorable Peter Barton so really, why not?

Meanwhile, on the beach, a schizophrenic man annoys the owner of a bodega by playing his saxophone. Fights break out, Cory tells the saxophone man to play his instrument under the pier. Presumably, it will be easier for him to get mugged or murdered under there. I like that the solution when it came to the crazy homeless man was just to find somewhere else for him to be crazy and homeless. Don’t take him to a shelter or a hook him up with mental health professionals or anything silly like that.

This show …. ugh. I’m really hoping the first season is an outlier and the subsequent seasons will be an improvement. The only thing worse than bicyclists are people who are cocky about being bicyclists. For 8 episodes now, it’s been one person after another expressing shock at the whole bicycle thing. We get it. We understand. The cops look stupid on their Schwinns. But, that’s the show. If Pacific Blue is still trying to justify its existence after eight episodes, that’s not a great sign.

Scenes That I Love: Mardi Gras in Easy Rider

Posted on March 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Happy Mardi Gras!

For today’s scene that I love, here is the Mardi Gras sequence from 1969’s Easy Rider. Featuring Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper, Karen Black, and Toni Basil walking through the streets of New Orleans, this scene was actually filmed during Mardi Gras. Those are real Mardi Gras floats and real Mardi Gras participants staring at the camera. That’s an actual citizen of New Orleans with whom Dennis Hopper appears to have nearly gotten into a fight. Personally, I relate to Toni Basil in this scene. She is having a good time no matter what!

I just love how Toni Basil can’t help but dance, no matter what.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.7 “Roller Derby Dolls/Thanks A Million”

Posted on March 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, things get strange on the Island!

Episode 6.7 “Roller Derby Dolls/Thanks A Million”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 4th, 1982)

Norman Hackett (Vic Tayback) is a sports fanatic who wants to coach his own athletic team. Oddly, he doesn’t specify what type of team he wants to coach. I would think that would be the first thing that a true sports fanatic would make clear. “I want to coach the….” Well, I can’t think of the names of any teams off the top of my head. I’m not a sports person so …. okay, he could have said he wanted to coach the Cowboys. You happy? Yes, I’m from North Texas and our football team sucks, Even I’m embarrassed by them and I don’t even follow football. I’d be tempted to coach the Rangers except I know Erin would get mad at me if the team didn’t make it to the championship. We also have a hockey team called the Stars but Leonard is the biggest hockey fan I know and, if anyone here at TSL deserves to coach hockey, it’s Leonard. What’s that, you say? The Mavericks? Ehh. I hate basketball. Those squeaky shoes drive me nuts. Plus Mark Cuban’s been kind of annoying ever since he decided to run for President in 2028.

Anyway, I’m rambling because this episode really wasn’t that interesting. Because Norman didn’t make it clear what he wanted to coach, Mr. Roarke gives him a whistle and then introduces him to the Belles, an all-female roller derby team. It turns out that roller derby is a big deal on Fantasy Island! There’s a roller derby rink and everything. It also turns out that Norman’s check bounced so, if he abandons the Belles, he’ll have to pay Mr. Roarke even more money …. wait, what? Shouldn’t Norman just be sent home or something? And doesn’t Roarke know enough to make sure the check clears before inviting someone to the Island? No wonder Tattoo used to be in charge of the money.

Speaking of money, Suzanne (Janet Leigh), Roger (James Noble), and Eddie (Art Metrano) come to the Island to take part in a contest. The winner will get $1.000.000 from a mysterious benefactor. The benefactor, by the way, is actually Eddie and it turns out that the entire contest is a private bet between him and Mr. Roarke. Eddie thinks that people will do anything to get money. (This is largely true. Up until a few weeks ago, this moronic woman was trying to sue my dead father’s estate for half a million. Fear not, she got nothing.) Roarke believes that people are good at heart. Eddie puts Suzanne and Roger through a series of increasingly dangerous tests to see how far they’re willing to go. In the end, both Roger and Suzanne prove themselves to be good people, though Suzanne is the one who gets the money. Roarke wins his bet and we’re left wondering how all this came about in the first place. (Seriously, how does Roarke even know Eddie?)

Anyway, this was kind of a strange trip to the Island. I’m not really happy about an episode of Fantasy Island featuring a story that isn’t really a fantasy. Still, at least the scenery was nice. That’s a beautiful island!

Song of the Day: One More Light (by Linkin Park)

Posted on March 4, 2025 by Arleigh

Not much else to be said other than it’s “One More Light” by Linkin Park.

One More Light

Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep

If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do

The reminders pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need oh
And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there

Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do

Well I do

The Films of 2025: Confessions of a Romance Narrator (dir by April Grace Lowe)

Posted on March 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Confessions of a Romance Narrator introduces us to Jasalyn (played by the film’s director, April Grace Lowe).

Jasalyn is a romance audio book narrator, spending her time in her closet with a microphone and reading aloud the chapters of books that depict the type of romances that everyone dreams about but rarely experiences. Jasalyn works hard, trying to make sure that each narration is perfect. She comes up with a different voice for each character. She video chats with her acting coach and, together, they practice the perfect “O” sound while her new upstairs neighbor listens with his pressed to the floor. Jasalyn pines for a co-worker, an egotistical narrator named Richard (Cody Roberts) who doesn’t feel the need to do individual voices for each character because he has …. THE VOICE! And you know what? From the minute that Richard first appeared, I knew he wasn’t good enough for Jasalyn but I probably would have fallen for him too because damn, that man has a sexy voice.

The film’s a comedy so it’s not a surprise that things rarely seem to go Jasalyn’s way. An attempt to leave a flirty message for Richard leads to an author thinking that Jasalyn isn’t professional enough to narrate her book. (Richard, of course, didn’t listen to the message.) Her attempts to look perfect for a facetime call with Richard only leads to Richard calling her back while she’s in the middle of eating a chocolate cake. Her upstairs neighbor (Craig Jessen) is a bit noisy and plays the ukulele. Convinced that Jasalyn is a sex worker, he’s thrilled when she comes up to his apartment to complain about the noise. From the minute we see Jasalyn opening and closing her closet as she attempts to meet an all-important deadline, we know that there’s no way this movie is going to end without featuring her somehow getting trapped in the closet while only wearing a towel. And the movie doesn’t let us down. It’s a lot to happen to one person but, by the end of the movie, you’re convinced that it is something that could all happen to Jasalyn. We’ve all had a friend like Jasalyn. A lot of us have been her at some point in our lives.

Confessions of a Romance Narrator is a breezy and likable 78 minute film, one that examines the life of a romance narrator and includes enough small details that you’re left with no doubt that the film knows what it’s talking about. There are two types of romance narrators, the film tells us in voice-over, those who stand and those who sit. Jasalyn stands but her mom thinks that she sits and sends her a hemorrhoid pillow for her birthday. And, from the minute we see it arrive, we know her loud neighbor is going to be the one to grab it and take it up to her apartment. It’s a bit predictable but it’s cute, much like the film itself. April Grace Lowe gives a likable performance as Jasalyn. The film is, I believe, edited together from a series of 10-minute short films that Lowe made about the character. It’s a likable movie. Much like a good romance novel, it’s fun, quick, and satisfying.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special New Orleans Edition

Posted on March 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 (or more) Shots From 4 (or more) Films is just what it says it is, 4 (or more) shots from 4 (or more) of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 (or more) Shots From 4 (or more) Films lets the visuals do the talking.

Today, the Shattered Lens pays homage to the greatest of Mardi Gras cities, New Orleans!

4 Shots From 4 New Orleans-Set Films