Fair warning : there are a few key “spoilers” ahead — not just for Crossed + One Hundred, but for Southern Bastards and The Wicked + The Divine, as well — so if you’re not completely caught up on any of these books, skip the seventh paragraph following this one, pick up again at the tenth, and you’ll be in good shape. Got that? Okay, my conscience is clear.
A little while back, I reviewed the first issue of Alan Moore and Gabriel Andrade’s Crossed + One Hundred from Avatar Press, and I’m not sure how many of you took my advice and jumped on-board with it, but I’m guessing it must not have been a very big number because my inbox hasn’t been flooded with emails from random strangers thanking me for turning them onto this series (although I did receive one, which I appreciate) and…
Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original movie, His Secret Family!
Why Was I Watching It?
Last Friday, I not only cried and cried while watching the finale of Degrassi but I also attended a blue moon party that was held in downtown Dallas.Needless to say, I spent most of Saturday recovering and we all know that the best way to recover from a crazy night is by watching the latest Lifetime original movie!
What Was It About?
Oh my God, poor Haylie Duff! Earlier this year, she played a woman named Sarah who married a murderer in Til Death Do Us Part.In His Secret Family, she again plays a woman named Sarah and, once again, she is married to a murderer! Of course, in this case, her husband is not just a murderer. He’s got another wife, another family, and another really big house. It turns out that Sarah is actually the secret wife.
David O’Donnell plays the husband. When he’s with Sarah, he claims that his name is Jason Goodman. When he’s with his other family, he uses the name David Marcus. So is it Jason or David? Well, regardless of his actual name, he’s more than a little insane. When he realizes that it’s simply too expensive to support Sarah and their son, Brandon, David decides to both vanish and to frame Sarah for murder.
However, Sarah happens to be best friends with the detective (Parker Stevenson) working her case. Even though she’s a major suspect in a murder investigation, he allows her to leave town so she can go up to Santa Monica and track down her husband.
Oh, and did I mention that Brandon needs a bone marrow transplant? And that only David is a match?
What Worked?
This movie was fun in a “how much more batshit insane can this movie get” sort of way. It wasn’t just that David/Jason was a bigamist with rage problems. No, this movie also made his a sociopath who coldly refused to do anything to save his son’s life. Perhaps the film’s best scene was when Sarah confronted David about his secret life, just to have David calmly respond, “Do I know you?” David O’Donnell was obviously having a lot of fun playing such an insane character and, as a result, he was a lot of fun to watch.
Add to that, since David had two families, he also had two houses. And seriously, they were both totally to die for! One thing that I love about Lifetime movies is that everyone owns a big house and the inside of the house is always so incredibly clean and tasteful. For a hyperorganized germaphobe like me, a Lifetime house would be the equivalent of paradise. And this film had two of them!
What Did Not Work?
The whole film was full of plot holes and while I usually say that it’s not necessary for a Lifetime movie to make sense, some of the holes in this case were rather deep. For instance, I could believe that David would end up with two families. And I could buy that David would eventually realize that it’s cheaper to only have one family. But, with all that in mind, I never quite understood the whole point of David trying to frame Sarah for murder. David was already easy enough to hate without tossing in a random murder. If anything, David just seemed to making things unnecessarily complicated.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
Much like Sarah, I often find myself driving to different towns and claiming to be a real estate agent just so I can take a tour of a nice house. It’s fun!
Lessons Learned
Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
Today is the birthday of one of the masters of horror. So, here’s wishing Wes Craven a happy birthday.
Now, go out there and check out his films. Here’s a four to try out. It’s got voodoo, a thing from the swamp, a street full of nightmares and, the one that started him off, the very last house on the left.
I have definitely seen worse movies than Vacation but it’s hard to think of one that left me as annoyed. As I watched this movie, I found myself wondering how anyone could have made as many wrong decisions while directing one comedy. Then I remembered that this film had two directors and I was left even more annoyed. Seriously, couldn’t one of these two credited directors look at the footage and say, “Wow, we’re making a really crappy, unfunny, and mean-spirited comedy. Maybe we should reconsider the tone of some of these scenes. Maybe we should just abandon this all together…”
This film is a reboot of the old Vacation movies that Chevy Chase used to make in the 80s and 90s. (Christmas Vacation is the one that everyone loves but there were others as well.) In the original Vacation movies, Chase played Clark Griswold. Clark would always try to take his family on the perfect vacation and would slowly lose his mind as his best laid plans always crashed into a wall of chaotic reality. The original Vacation films were all uneven but likable, largely because Clark seemed to be so sincere in his madness.
In Vacation, Ed Helms plays Clark’s son, Rusty Griswold. Rusty is all grown up and living in the suburbs. He has a job as a pilot for a cheap airline. He’s married to Debbie (Christina Applegate), who was known as Debbie Do Anything in college. He has two sons and they’re both annoying. James (Skyler Gisondo) is overly sensitive and plays guitar. Kevin (Steele Stebbins) is a psychopath who is constantly bullying his older brother and dropping F-bombs every chance he gets. (A little kid saying “Fuck,” is only funny the first few times you hear it. After the 20th time, it just gets boring.) James sings self-pitying songs. Kevin continually tries to murder his brother by putting a plastic bag over his head.
Rusty wants to take his family to Walley World, the same destination that Clark wanted to visit in the original Vacation. This involves driving across the country in an Albanian car that’s always on the verge of exploding. Along the way, they stop off at various locations and have adventures.
And not all of the adventures are bad. Occasionally, the film is saved by a funny cameo. Charlie Day shows up as a suicidal river guide and he’s genuinely funny. You find yourself wishing that he had a bigger role. And then there’s a scene where Rusty and Debbie attempt to have sex at the Four Corners and are caught by cops from four different states, all of whom promptly start to argue about who has jurisdiction.
But those scenes are the exception. For the most part, Vacation is just a parade of uninspired scatological humor and missed opportunities. When Rusty and the family drop in on his sister Audrey (Leslie Mann) and her well-endowed husband, Stone (Chris Hemsworth), Rusty spends a lot of time talking about how Audrey and Stone are politically conservative. Once they arrive at Audrey’s home, we are shown a picture of Stone hanging out with Charlton Heston but, otherwise, Stone and Rusty’s political differences are never mentioned again. And don’t get me wrong — I wasn’t particularly looking forward to having to sit through a political argument between Ed Helms and Chris Hemsworth. But still, why set up a joke if you’re too lazy to include the punch line?
Of course, the main problem is that you just don’t care about these Griswolds. As characters, they’re all pretty unlikable and therefore, you really don’t care if their vacation is a success or not. Poor Christina Applegate! After holding her own against Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, and David Koechner in both Anchorman films, she’s given nothing to do here, beyond being the punchline in a few misogynistic jokes about being wild before marrying Rusty.
As weak as all the characters are, Rusty is the main problem. He can’t handle the fact that his wife has had more sexual partners than he has. He can’t discipline his youngest demon child. He has absolutely no good advice to give to his oldest son. When Rusty drags them across the country to Walley World, it’s not because he wants them to have a good vacation but because he wants to recreate a memory from his childhood. If Chevy Chase’s Clark was always unhinged but sincere, Rusty Griswold is just an asshole and it’s impossible to care about him. It doesn’t help that Ed Helms, as talented as he may be, has a neediness to him that can be amazingly off-putting whenever he’s cast in a lead role. He always seems to be trying way too hard to convince the audience to love him.
Incidentally, Rusty and the family do make time to visit Grandpa Clark. Chevy Chase looks even worse than he did on Community and it’s all pretty boring.
My advice would be to take a vacation from seeing Vacation.
Through the Shattered Lens 