What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #80: A Mother’s Rage (dir by Oren Kaplan)

Posted on April 27, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I turned the TV over to the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched A Mother’s Rage.

Why Was I Watching It?

First off, it was on the Lifetime Movie Network and, as anyone who knows me can tell you, I am an LMN fanatic. Seriously, there’s nothing I love more than watching a good, silly Lifetime movie.

Secondly, just the title, A Mother’s Rage, is so melodramatic and over-the-top. Just hearing that title, I knew this movie would be the epitome of everything I usually love about a good Lifetime movie.

What Was It About?

After her daughter is murdered, Rebecca Mayer (Lori Loughlin) sets out to find the man responsible. Driving across a desolate desert highway and hallucinating that her daughter (Jordan Hinson) is still alive, Rebecca murders every man that she comes across.

Fortunately, all of these men happen to be rather scummy but still, the local police are determined to catch Rebecca and stop her trail of a murder. Sheriff Emily Tobin (Kristen Dalton) pursues Rebecca with the help of her own teenaged daughter (played by Alix Elizabeth Gitter).

What Worked?

Lori Loughlin and Jordan Hinson were well cast as mother and ghost daughter and, for the first 20 minutes or so, the movie did a pretty good job of keeping you guessing as to whether or not Hinson was real or if she was just a hallucination.

Over the course of the film, Loughlin did murder a few people but, fortunately, everyone she killed was so sleazy that she still managed to remain a sympathetic character.

What Did Not Work?

Even by the melodramatic standards of Lifetime, A Mother’s Rage was not a very believable story. Plot holes abound and the film’s final scenes were so sloppily edited that the film’s imdb message board is full of people still trying to figure out what exactly happened at the end of the movie.

One huge issue that I had with this film was that Lori Loughlin essentially murders several people in broad daylight and yet, somehow, there are never any witnesses. Seriously, Loughlin apparently managed to find the least traveled highway in America.

Then again, it was a Lifetime movie and therefore, it all worked. Criticizing a Lifetime movie for being melodramatic is like criticizing a kitten for being cute.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Lori Loughlin’s daughter is described as being an aspiring dancer who had a massively overprotective mother and, seriously, how could I not relate to that? Meanwhile, Kristen Dalton’s daughter spends her time stealing crime scene photographs and trying to solve crimes and again, how could I not relate? Seriously, there were times when this entire film seemed like one big “Oh my God! Just like me!” moment.

Lessons Learned

I will apparently watch anything that shows up on Lifetime.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #79: California Dreams 3.14 “Boyz R Us” (dir by Patrick Maloney)

Posted on April 19, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched yet another episode of the mid-90s sitcom, California Dreams. That episode was entitled Boyz R Us.

And yes, it was a very special episode.

Why Was I Watching It?

As I’ve explained in my previous California Dreams-related posts, I’ve been watching episodes of this 90s sitcom because all of the episodes of Saved By The Bell: The New Class have been yanked off of YouTube.

This was actually the third time I had watched the Boyz R Us episode. I previously watched it last week with my BFF Evelyn after we saw Tyler Perry’s Temptation. However, the next day was a busy one and I didn’t get a chance to write about it. Therefore, in order to maintain the integrity of this feature, I rewatched Boyz R Us yesterday so that I could honestly say that it was what Lisa Marie watched last night.

What Was It About?

In this episode, we discover that Tony (William James Jones) is from “the hood.” This isn’t surprising since, in the world according to mediocre sitcoms, every single black man on the planet was born in the hood just so he could eventually leave, befriend a bunch of white people, and then be accused of “selling out” in a very special episode.

Tony’s cousin, Darren, drops by for a visit and explains to Tony that “Some changes are going down in the hood.” When an old friend of Tony’s is crippled by gang members, Tony is forced to choose between being a snitch and going to the police or seeking violent revenge on his own.

Meanwhile, the other members of the California Dreams are all broke and get jobs delivering singing telegrams. To be honest, compared to what’s happening in the hood, the problems of a bunch of affluent white teenagers seem rather trivial indeed.

Incidentally, I was born in Oak Cliff, Texas which is the Dallas version of the hood. Just saying…

(Of course, my mom also got us all out of there when I was 14 months old and I wouldn’t know a real gangsta if he came up and stared straight at me but that said, I’m still technically from the hood.)

What Worked?

In some of the other episodes that I’ve seen, William James Jones had a tendency to overact. However, I thought he did a pretty good job in this episode. If he went over-the-top, that was largely because the episode itself — with its heavy combination of melodrama and messaging — didn’t leave him much choice. In this episode, Jones embraced the melodrama and good for him.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate and respect the fact that the show was made with the best of intentions. (Though you do have to wonder just how many real-life gang members would have been spending their Saturday morning watching California Dreams…) However, the appeal of this episode really is that it’s so over-the-top and melodramatic.

Seriously.

For 22 minutes, everything with Tony is a drama. Every phone call he gets is bad news and you get the feeling that the other Dreams are starting to dread the prospect of being anywhere near him. And then, at the end of the episode, Tony manages to not only convince Darren not to throw his life away but also rallies the entire community to finally stand up to the gang culture. You can argue that the episode’s resolution isn’t all that realistic (for one thing, nobody seems to have considered that at least one of the two gang members would probably have had a weapon of his own) but that’s part of the appeal.

Also, was it just me or did it seem that the California Dreams were personally arresting the two gangstas at the end of the episode?

What Did Not Work?

Two words: Singing telegram.

The singing telegram subplot would have been weak under normal circumstances but when coupled with all of the melodrama and heavy messaging of the main plot, it looked even weaker. Seriously, do the California Dreams not have parents to borrow money from?

I’m also found myself wondering if their final client specifically told Sly, “I want a group of teenagers dressed like keystone cops to sing to my girlfriend.”

Finally, the show’s writers missed a golden opportunity to have Jake announce, “Jake Summers doesn’t do silent film buffoonery.”

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

“I just want to know what its like to poor!” That sounds like something I’d say while attempting to be cute.

Lessons Learned

“Two years is a long time to be gone from the hood…”

What Lisa Marie and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #78: Battledogs (dir by Alexander Yellen)

Posted on April 8, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Saturday night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original movie, Battledogs. (Also watching was a mentally unstable moron from Buffalo, NY named Michael Conklin. But more about him later…)

Why Were We Watching It?

Because we’re snarkalecs and that’s what snarkalecs do.

What Was It About?

Donna Voorhees (Ariana Richards) is a nature photographers who visits our friend to the north and gets bitten by a Canadian lycanthrope. When she returns to New York, she ends up transforming into a werewolf herself and manages to kill nearly everyone at JFK Airport. Everyone that she doesn’t kill is infected with the werewolf virus.

Donna and the rest of the infected are captured by the military. Under the watch of the sinister Lt. Gen. Monning (Dennis Haysbert), the infected are doped up with tranquilizers and left to aimlessly wander around a prison. With the help of a sympathetic major (Craig Sheffer) and a scientist (Kate Vernon), Donna and the rest of the infected escape the prison and soon New York is overrun by werewolves.

Meanwhile, the U.S. President (Bill Duke) spends a lot of time sitting out in the middle of Central Park and looking depressed…

What Worked?

Battledogs was produced by the Asylum. As soon as I saw the words “The Asylum Presents…” at the beginning of the opening credits, I knew that Battledogs was going to be a lot of fun.

Battledogs was surprisingly well-cast. While Craig Sheffer made for a dull hero, Dennis Haysbert was a great villain. Admittedly, he was one of those villains who spent the whole movie talking about his plans as opposed to actually carrying them out but, fortunately. Haysbert has a great voice. Haysbert turned Lt. Gen. Monning into a genuinely menacing character.

The scenes in which the tranquilized infected wander about in a daze had a nicely surreal feel to them. While watching them, I actually compared them to a similar scene from Jean Rollin’s Night of the Hunted. That’s probably going a bit too far but still, they were handled very well.

On a final note, Bill Duke plays perhaps the most ineffectual president in the history of ineffectual presidents. Speaking as someone who has little faith in governmental authority, I found Duke’s performance to be the most realistic part of the film.

What Did Not Work?

Oh, I suppose there are things I could complain about. I could point out that the film may have been set in New York but it was obviously (and I do mean obviously) filmed in Canada. (Actually, no, it was not! As Mike Conklin so politely points out in the comments below, Battledogs was filmed in Buffalo and yes, a look at the imdb does confirm that this film — despite seeming very Canadian, was indeed filmed in New York. I apologize for the careless error. — LMB) There were also a few plot holes that I could talk about if I felt like being nit-picky.

But you know what?

There is nobody worse than someone who would actually get nit-picky about an Asylum film. Asylum Films are made for audiences who have a sense of humor and their “flaws” are ultimately a very intentional part of the fun. The Asylum makes fast-paced, unpretentious films for people who want to be entertained for 90 minutes. You know what you’re going to get when you see “The Asylum” name and, unlike most major studio films, Asylum films can be counted on to deliver exactly what they promise. This film promised battle dogs and it delivered.

Therefore, the entire film worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

To be honest, despite featuring not one but two female leads, Battledogs was a pretty masculine film. The emphasis was definitely on people either shooting guns or beating each other up. That’s not necessarily a criticism because, if New York was overrun by werewolves, I imagine there was be a certain amount of societal breakdown. However, the fact of the matter is that I’m scared of guns and the only fights I’ve ever been in have involved a lot of hair-pulling and little else. As a result, there really weren’t any “Oh my God! Just like me!” moments in Battledogs.

That said, Ariana Richards’ character reminded me of my sister, the Dazzling Erin, because they’re both talented photographers.

Lessons Learned

Apparently, the best way to avoid being killed in a nuclear blast is to jump into the Hudson River right when the bomb goes off. In today’s unpredictable world, that’s a good thing to know.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #77: California Dreams S3E13 “Rebel Without A Nerve” (dir by Patrick Maloney)

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched yet another episode of the old 90s sitcom, California Dreams.

Why Was I Watching It?

If you’ve been following this site for a while, you may remember that I was introduced to California Dreams by my sister Megan while we were looking for an alternative to watching reruns of Saved By The Bell: The New Class. (It’s a long story.) Since every episode of California Dreams is available on YouTube, I’ve been watching them whenever I’ve found myself in the mood to watch a mediocre 90s sitcom. Last night, I was in the mood.

What Was It About?

Jake Summers (Jay Anthony Franke) has long been known as the coolest, hottest guy at Pacific Coat High School. However, that’s about to change because Tommy Keating (guest star Joseph D. Reitman) has transferred to PCH and he’s determined to shove Jake off of his pedestal. At first, it seems like this could never happen because Tommy appears to be overweight, goony, and about 40 years old. However, when Jake crashes his bike, Tommy moves in for the kill…

Meanwhile, PCH has gone accident free for several days and Principal Blumford (Dennis Hask…oh wait, that’s Earl Boen in the role of Blumford), is excited about the prospect of getting PCH listed in the Guggenheim Book of World Records. In order to keep the school safe, Blumford assigns Tony (Williams James Jones) and Sly (Michael Cade) to the safety patrol…

Meanwhile, Mark (Aaron Jackson) remains cute yet strangely underused…

What Worked?

As opposed to the previous episode of California Dreams (in which Jake starts smoking and his Uncle Frank gets cancer), this episode was strictly for fun. Instead of trying to teach us an important lesson about safety, this episode acknowledged what we all truly know: only losers became hall monitors.

Add to that, any episode that attempts to set Jake up as the California equivalent to Lord Byron (mad, bad, and dangerous to know) automatically has a lot of camp appeal.

What Did Not Work?

Was it just me or did Tommy Keating appear to be a little bit old to still be going to high school? Seriously, if you haven’t graduated by the time you’re 40, you might as well just drop out and get your G.E.D.

Then again, he did ace that Biology quiz so maybe Tommy had finally gotten his act together…

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moment

Lorena and I definitely have a similar fashion sense. Her 2nd outfit (the one with the super cute black miniskirt) was to die for and it reminded me of what I wore to mass on Ash Wednesday.

Also, I frequently mistake ketchup for blood.

Lessons Learned

Safety is for losers.

What Lisa and Evelyn Watched Last Night #76: Romeo Killer: The Chris Porco Story (dir by Norma Bailey)

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, my BFF Evelyn and I watched the Lifetime original movie, Romeo Killer: The Chris Porco Story.

Why Were We Watching It?

First off, it was on Lifetime. Secondly, both me and Evelyn love the true crime genre. And finally, the film starred the very hot and very Texan Matt Barr. Seriously, how couldn’t we watch?

There was one other reason that I wanted to see Romeo Killer. Chris Porco, the subject of the film and a convicted murderer, actually obtained a court order to prevent the film from being shown. The New York Court of Appeals overturned the order just two days before Romeo Killer was scheduled to premiere. After all the drama about whether or not I would even be allowed to see it, how could I not watch when I got the chance to do so?

What Was It About?

Chris Porco (Matt Barr) is handsome, charming, and possibly a sociopath. After his parents (Lochlyn Munro and Lolita Davidovitch) are attacked by an axe-wielding assailant, Porco is the number one suspect. While the lead detective (Eric McCormack) tries to send Porco to jail, Porco’s mother insists that her son is innocent. Meanwhile, Porco is attempting to seduce McCormack’s insecure daughter (Sarah Desjardins…)

What Worked?

Romeo Killer is the epitome of a Lifetime true crime film, in that it featured a truly disturbing crime, a charming villain, a driven cop, and a lot of melodrama. Though the film made an attempt at ambiguity (for instance, we never actually see Chris Porco attacking his parents and the film ends with a quote from his mother in which she says that she still thinks that her son is innocent), it was also pretty obvious that the filmmakers believed Chris Porco to be guilty. In the end, Romeo Killer made a compelling argument for Porco’s guilt (which is probably why he tried to keep the film from airing).

As portrayed in the movie, Porco comes across as being a pretty obvious, 1-dimensional psychopath but Matt Barr still does a pretty good job playing him. Barr captures both the empty interior and charming exterior of the character. (Of course, it should also be noted that Barr is about a thousand times better looking than the real Chris Porco.) Among the supporting characters, Eric McCormack, Sarah Desjardins, and Lolita Davidovich all give strong performances.

Porco’s father is played by Lochlyn Munro. Munro is a Canadian actor who has played small roles in a countless number of Lifetime films. I don’t know much about him beyond the fact that I’m always happy to see him because, seriously, it’s just not a Lifetime film without Lochlyn Munro. That said, Munro gave a sympathetic performance here. The scenes where he staggers around the house after being attacked were difficult to watch.

What Did Not Work?

If I was the type to needlessly nitpick, I would point out what the film itself acknowledges with a disclaimer that appears immediately after the end credits. While the movie is based on a true story and it does follow the broad outline of the actual case, it is also a fictionalization in which certain characters and events were created for dramatic purposes. As such, some viewers would be justified in wondering which parts of the film are based on reality and which parts were created to tell a better story.

That said, as far as I’m concerned, Romeo Killer was the epitome of a Lifetime true crime film and, as a result, it all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like Us!” Moments

Evelyn and I both found ourselves relating to the women in this film, all of whom were charmed by Chris Porco. Because seriously, Matt Barr made for one seriously hot sociopath…

Lessons Learned

Some bad boys really are bad.

What Lisa and the Snarkalecs Watched Tonight #75: Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo (dir. by Terry Ingram)

Posted on March 23, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier tonight, the Snarkalecs and I watched the latest SyFy original film — Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo.

Why Were We Watching It?

It’s a little known fact but several of the Snarkalecs — including me — are either from or live in the great state of Texas. So, seriously — how could we not watch a SyFy film that takes place in San Antonio?

As well, Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo is just a brilliant title! Of course, with a great title comes great responsibility…

What Was It About?

It’s Cinco De Mayo in San Antonio and you know what the means! That’s right — thousands of chupacabras are coming across the border and killing all that they see. Can DEA agent Carlos (played by Erik Estrada) save both his children and the city of San Antonio? Carlos and a private army made up of bored DEA agents and gangbangers (who, we’re told, are “down for the hood”) end up locking themselves in the Alamo and making a last stand against the forces of goat sucking evil.

What Worked?

Like the best original SyFy films, Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo is the epitome of the type of film that’s fun to watch with a group of friends. The acting is over-the-top, the chupacabras are cute, and even the scenes were Estrada is obviously just sitting on a motorcycle in front of a green screen have an odd charm to them. The film had a definite telenovela feel to it and that’s always a good thing.

Even though the majority of the film was obviously shot somewhere other than San Antonio (I’m guessing Canada), I still enjoyed seeing stock footage of the Riverwalk.

(Seriously, I love the Riverwalk! While I’ve never lived in San Antonio, I’ve visited enough times that I have a lot of very good and very romantic memories of walking along the river.)

Finally, on a personal note, I have to say that the Snarkalecs were on fire tonight! Within fifteen minutes of the film starting, we had made it a trending topic on twitter. Some of the funniest tweets I have ever read were the result of us watching Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo.

What Did Not Work?

If any film called for Danny Trejo cameo, it was this one. Unfortunately, Trejo was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he’ll show up for the sequel…

It took about 90 minutes for Estrada and his private army to reach the Alamo and when they did, it turned out to be a totally fake Alamo. In all fairness, I can not imagine any circumstances that would have led to the Daughters of the Texas Republic agreeing to allow this film to be shot within the Alamo but, speaking as a Texan, I was disappointed at just how poorly this faux Alamo compared to the real thing.

(Also, unlike the rather flamboyant tour guide featured in this film, an actual Alamo tour guide would never wear a gigantic coonskin cap.)

On a related note, as much as I appreciated the fact that the film featured the Riverwalk, it was still hard not to feel that the filmmakers essentially shot about 5 minutes of footage in San Antonio before then going up to Canada to finish the rest of the film. As a result, the film featured a lot of people saying, “Remember the Alamo!” and random things in Spanish but ultimately, it did not feel like a Texas film at all.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Like the characters in this film, I’m down for my hood.

Lessons Learned

I need to revisit San Antonio sometime soon.

What Lisa Marie and Erin Nicole Watched Last Night #74: California Dreams 3.12 “Harley and the Marlboro Man” (dir by Patrick Maloney)

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, my sister Erin (a.k.a. Dazzling Erin) and I watched a very special episode of California Dreams, “Harley and the Marlboro Man.”

Why Were We Watching It?

If you follow me on twitter, then you may have noticed something last night. Whether it was just that I was having a long day or the fact that I’ve been somewhat manic since December, I was a neurotic mess. It all started when I tried to change my profile pic on twitter and I discovered that apparently, twitter has changed the way that they do profile pics and, as a result, this really great picture of me had to be cropped and then it ended up looking totally tiny on screen and this led to me trying 30 different profile pics in just 15 minutes and none of them looked good in tiny twitter form and I was just getting so frustrated and … well, you get the idea.

Fortunately, my wonderful sister knew how to calm me down. She suggested that I distract myself from obsessing over my profile pic by watching something either on TV or online. And what better to watch than an episode of a mediocre 90s sitcom!? Unfortunately, as much as I tried, I couldn’t find any episodes of Saved By The Bell: The New Class to watch.

So, I watched yet another episode of California Dreams instead. And since it was her idea, I forced Erin to watch it with me!

What Was It About?

Lead guitarist, motorcycle enthusiast, and leather fetishist Jake (Jay Anthony Franke) is entering a motorcycle contest and his Uncle Frank shows up to help him out. Frank, it turns out, taught Jake everything Jake knows about being cool but — gasp! — Frank smokes!

And soon, Jake is smoking too.

DOUBLE GASP!

What Worked?

This episode is part of a proud television tradition. Every show that’s aimed towards younger viewers has to have at least one episode where one of the characte’s takes up smoking and ends up getting ostracized as a result. This episode of California Dreams is almost a prototypical anti-smoking episode — i.e., the character is inspired to smoke by an older role model, all of his friends are shocked and scandalized to discover that he would even think of smoking, a lot of statistics are awkwardly stuffed into the script (“Did you know that 89% smokers started smoking between the ages of 15 and 27?”), and the older role model is eventually punished with lung cancer. This episode of California Dreams hits all of the expected notes and it does so far more efficiently than Saved By The Bell: The New Class did.

To be honest, Jake is a pretty silly character with his heavy leather jackets and his perpetual scowl but, in this episode, Jay Anthony Franke gives a fairly good performance.

Up until things got serious with Uncle Frank, this episode had a lot of camp appeal. There was something oddly endearing about how scandalized everyone was over the fact that Jake was smoking. I also found it interesting that it only took 6 or 7 cigarettes for Jake to turn into an addict. Seriously, even I — with my asthma and everything else — smoked more than 7 cigarettes back in high school. And I never found myself madly pacing back and forth while craving my next fix.

On a personal note, this episode calmed me down and I’m thankful for that!

What Did Not Work?

Hey, it was California Dreams. Even the stuff that don’t work are a major part of the show’s appeal.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I have severe asthma and it was even worse when I was little. As a result, my mom was always very protective of me and my poor, little lungs. If anyone lit a cigarette anywhere near me, mom would always tell them to put it out because, “My daughter can not breathe.” She also told me that I shouldn’t ever be around people who were smoking and, most importantly, I should never smoke myself.

Of course, that worked when I was little but then, as I grew up and I went through my whole rebellious phase, I found myself fascinated with both cigarettes and the people who smoked them. Don’t get me wrong — I thought smoking cigarettes was a dangerous habit and I was too obsessed with dancing and too paranoid about my asthma to ever do anything more than take an occasional defiant puff but, at the same time, I still loved to watch certain people smoke and, whenever I dated a smoker, I always loved the way they tasted whenever I kissed them.

So, for once, I found that I could not relate to the character of Lorena in this episode of California Dreams.

Lessons Learned

Strange things calm me down.

What Lisa And The Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #73: Flying Monkeys (dir by Robert Grasmere)

Posted on March 10, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched a SyFy original movie called Flying Monkeys.

Why Were We Watching It?

Because that’s what we do! Every Saturday night, the Snarkalecs get on twitter and watch a SyFy movie together. Add to that, the minute that we saw that the film was called Flying Monkeys, we knew we had to watch it and try to come up with as many bad monkey pun as possible.

What Was It About?

It all takes place in the little town of Gale, Kansas. (Named, I assume, after Dorothy Gale from The Wizard of Oz.) Joan (Maika Monroe) is upset because her dad is late to her high school graduation. So, Dad says sorry by buying her a pet monkey. He’s a cute little monkey and Joan names him Skippy.

What Joan and her Dad don’t realize is that Skippy is a demon monkey and, whenever the sun goes down, he sprouts wings, flies around the town, and kills people. Even worse, it turns out that every time somebody shoots Skippy, this causes Skippy to reproduce and multiply. Since everyone in the town of Gale shoots Skippy at least once or twice, there are soon hundreds of killer flying monkeys all over the place.

Luckily, two demon hunters from China manage to get to Kansas in record time but then … well, let’s just say that, as far as demon hunting is concerned, they were both definitely overrated.

What Worked?

As far as I’m concerned, almost the entire film worked. Seriously, how can you not enjoy something this ludicrous? The makers of Flying Monkeys knew exactly what they were doing and it looks like they had a good time doing it.

Plus, Skippy was so cute!

Seriously, how can you not love a film featuring a killer named Skippy?

What Did Not Work?

The film spent a lot of time building up these two demon hunters from China but, once they showed up, they both turned out to be pretty useless. I understand that was probably the point but still, it felt like the only reason they existed was to pad out the film’s running time.

“OH MY GOD! Just like me!” Moments

Towards the end of the film, Skippy attempts to attack Sonya (Electa Avellan, best known for being one of the Babysitter Twins in Grindhouse) in the shower and Sonya reacts by literally running all the way to the other side of town while clad only in a towel. At the time, we all pointed out how gratuitous this whole scene was.

After the movie ended, I took a nice, long, relaxing shower. It was only after I had stepped out of the shower and turned off the water that I realized 1) just how hard it was raining outside and 2) that I couldn’t remember if my car windows were open.

The idea of my car getting flooded so panicked me that, despite being clad in only a towel, I ran outside to make sure my windows were up. Long story short, my windows were closed, I got even more wet, and I learned that, sometimes, you just have to go outside wearing a towel.

Lessons Learned

Don’t mess with Skippy.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #72: The 85th Annual Academy Awards

Posted on February 25, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I had a little party. Me, my boyfriend, my sister, my best friend, and my 7,000 followers on twitter got together to watch the 85th Annual Academy Awards.

Why Were We Watching It?

If you love movies then the Oscars are like the Super Bowl. Seriously, how could I not watch it?

What Was It About?

It was about the best of times and the worst of times. It was about self-promotion, self-congratulation, and Michelle Obama. It was about whether or not Seth McFarlane would self-destruct. It was about rooting for the underdog and checking out who was wearing what. It was the Oscars and, for 210 minutes, the nation sat entranced.

What Worked?

Brave won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature Film! Seriously, that one award pretty much made the entire night for me. Actually, there were a lot of good winners last night: Ang Lee for Best Director, Christoph Waltz for Best Supporting Actor, Paperman for Best Animated Short Film, and Jennifer Lawrence for Best Actress. I was especially happy to see both Lawrence and Anne Hathaway win because, for whatever reason, these two actresses have recently had to deal with some of the most petty criticism that I’ve ever seen.

I also appreciated the fact that Quentin Tarantino, upon winning Best Original Screenplay, managed to spend his entire speech basically patting himself on the back while pretending to thank his cast. It may not be remembered as the most classy speech in the history of the Oscars but it definitely served to remind us of why we love Quentin.

As host, Seth McFarlane was such a mixed bag that I’ve included him under both things that worked and things that didn’t work. McFarlane started out surprisingly strong. Unlike a lot of female critics, I wasn’t offended by The Boob Song and I thought it was actually a pretty clever parody of McFarlane’s public image. (The joke was clearly meant to be on McFarlane and not the actresses mentioned in the song.) Unfortunately, as the show went on, McFarlane occasionally seemed to be determined to live up to that parody.

Oddly enough, I really enjoyed Lincoln when I saw it but yet I still found myself happy to see it lose in so many categories. I think it’s probably because Lincoln was so aggressively hyped and so many self-important Oscar pundits (like Sasha Stone) declared that Lincoln was the best film of the year before they had even seen it. It was hard not to resent the condescending tone that was taken by many of Lincoln‘s online supporters. Plus, it’s always fun to root for the underdog. It’s hard not to suspect that if Ben Affleck had actually been nominated for Best Director then Steven Spielberg and his film might have actually won big last night. But by snubbing Affleck, the Academy cast Steven Spielberg and Lincoln in the role of Goliath.

On one final petty note, I was happy to see Jennifer Lawrence win because I know her victory probably annoyed the editors of Awards Daily.

What Did Not Work?

I could have done without Michelle Obama showing up to present Best Picture. Yes, I know that Hollywood loves the Obamas but seriously, it felt rather Orwellian to have the First Lady suddenly pop up on TV and tell us why movies are so important. The fact that she appeared with a few random soldiers behind her just added to the creepy vibe.

The much hyped Bond tribute turned out to be a bit of a bust, didn’t it?

The audience, which never seemed to be that excited about the prospect of Seth McFarlane in the first place, seemed to turn more and more against him as the show progressed. As a result, once the Oscars hit the 120 minute mark, Seth started to come across as being a bit desperate to get a reaction — any reaction — from the audience.

Daniel Day-Lewis gave a good acceptance speech and all but surely I’m not the only viewer who was curious to hear what Joaquin Phoenix would have said if he had won.

In the end, the show just felt a little bit too bland for my tastes. Unlike last year, there was nothing truly unexpected. There were no hints of eccentricity. No one showed up wearing anything awful. Nobody made a fool of themselves while accepting their Oscar. In short, the show was just forgettable.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

When Jennifer Lawrence fell on the way to accept her award, that was definitely an “Oh my God! Just like me!” moment. Seriously, I loved her dress but, from the minute I saw it, I knew she was going to have a hard time getting up to the podium.

Lessons Learned

Award shows are a lot more fun when things go wrong.

What Lisa Marie and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #69: Heebie Jeebies (dir by Thomas L. Callaway)

Posted on February 10, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the world premiere SyFy movie Heebie Jeebies! And wow — was it ever bad!

Seriously, how bad was Heebie Jeebies? It’s so bad that I couldn’t even find a trailer for it on YouTube. It’s as if the universe is trying to convince us that this film does not actually exist. However, we know what we saw last night.

(As proof, here’s a picture of Michael Badalucco, whose over-the-top performance as the gold-obsessed Billy Butler was one of the more commented upon aspects of the film.)

Why Were We Watching It?

That’s a question that many of us asked last night.

What Was It About?

Usually, low-budget monster movies on SyFy are a lot of fun but that’s because most low-budget monster movies on SyFy are made by the Asylum. Unfortunately, Heebie Jeebies was not an Asylum film.

Instead, it’s a film about this monster that comes out of a mine and wanders around attacking people and eating gold. You read that correctly. This monster kills people and then eats their gold. Will the town of Golderton survive?

What Worked?

Nothing.

What Did Not Work?

Everything.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I found myself relating to poor Veronica (Evie Thompson), the younger sister of a character that I named Deputy Dumbass (Robert Belushi). All Veronica wanted to do was go out and have sex with her boyfriend but instead, she had to spend her entire night listening to her brother talk about how it wasn’t safe to go out just because of a little old monster that happened to be killing people. Even worse, once she finally did what I would have done and sneaked out of the house, she and her boyfriend (who was kinda fugly, to be honest) ended up getting held hostage by two ex-convicts.

Lessons Learned

Only the Asylum should be allowed to make low-budget monster movies.