What Lisa Watched Last Night #99: The Good Mistress (dir by Terry Ingram)

Posted on February 20, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I finally watched the latest Lifetime “original” film, The Good Mistress.

Why Was I Watching It?

When the Good Mistress originally aired, I was in Austin celebrating Valentine’s Day. As a result, the film had been sitting on my DVR for four days before I finally got a chance to watch it last night.

As for why I recorded it in the first place — well, you know I can’t ever resist the temptation of a good Lifetime film.

What Was It About?

Recovering alcoholic Sandy (Annie Heise) is looking to start a new life after being involved in a tragic car accident. She moves to a small town where her best friend from high school, Karen (Kendra Anderson), get her a job. Sandy also meets handsome and smooth politician David (Antonio Cupo). After Sandy sleeps with David, she discovers that he also happens to be Karen’s husband! And, it turns out, the women he has sex with have a habit of turning up dead.

Can Sandy still start her new life and expose David without losing Karen’s friendship and giving into the temptation to start drinking again?

Will David respond to everything Sandy says with a devilish smirk?

Will the nice and well-meaning sheriff fall in love with Sandy?

Most importantly, will there be a huge twist at the end?

If you’ve ever watched a Lifetime film, you already know the answer.

What Worked?

This was pretty much your typical Canadian-made Lifetime movie. A woman with a past moves to a small town, reconnects with an old friend, sleeps with a handsome man, and then discovers that he’s married and her life is in danger. It happens at least three times a day on Lifetime. Yes, it’s totally predictable and rather silly but, to quote Icona Pop, I don’t care. I love it.

Was the Good Mistress a good movie? No, not really. However, it was an enjoyable and entertaining way to waste two hours of my life. It was a Lifetime movie and that was good enough for me.

What Did Not Work?

The film’s title, while obviously meant to make viewers like me associate this film with The Good Wife, is totally incorrect. First off, just because you accidentally have a one-night stand with a married man that does not make you a mistress. If it did, there’d be a lot more mistresses in the world.

Secondly, even if Sandy could be considered a mistress, she could hardly be considered a good mistress. After all, she not only threatened to reveal David’s infidelity but accused him of murder as well. If anything, she would be a very bad mistress.

“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments

Since it’s been a while since I last stood outside a bar and had trauma-induced flashbacks or unintentionally slept with a married man, I worried that I would not be able to relate to Sandy. However, then I saw the scene where Sandy — in a grocery store parking lot — gets distracted and loses control of her shopping cart. The same thing happened to me the last time I was at Wal-Mart. Unlike Sandy, no cute guys jumped out of nowhere to catch the cart for me.

Wal-Mart sucks.

Lessons Learned

Sometimes, it’s better to be bad.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #98: Lizzie Borden Took An Axe (dir by Nick Gomez)

Posted on January 26, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(This post contains spoilers.)

Last night, I watched the brilliant Lifetime film, Lizzie Borden Took An Axe.

Why Was I Watching It?

First off, as everyone who reads this site should know by now, I love Lifetime movies. Add to that, I also happen to like true crime films. (It’s not for nothing that my twitter bio reads, “Just a sweet little thing with morbid thoughts.”) So, it’s really not so much a question of why I was watching it as how could I not watch it?

What Was It About?

On a hot summer day in 1892, both Andrew Borden and his wife are hacked to death. Suspicion is immediately cast upon their daughter Lizzie (Christina Ricci), a free-spirited Sunday School teacher who is also known for being a compulsive shop lifter. Is Lizzie guilty or was the crime committed by her older sister Emma (Clea Duvall) or the maid or a mysterious stranger who was seen around town on the day of crime? Though the case itself remains officially unsolved, this film makes a pretty convincing argument that Lizzie was guilty and was only acquitted because nobody, in 19th century America, could bring themselves to believe that a woman was capable of such a violent crime.

What Worked?

It all worked. Lizzie Borden was one of the greatest Lifetime movies that I’ve ever seen. It took all of the elements that we expect from a good Lifetime movie — scandal, sex, and girls literally getting away with murder — and pushed them to such an extreme that the end result was absolutely brilliant. Christina Ricci and Clea Duvall both gave great performances and Nick Gomez directed with an eye towards the surreal, the morbid, and the darkly humorous.

The scene towards the end where Lizzie whispered her confession to Emma was one of the best in the history of Lifetime.

What Did Not Work?

As I said above, it all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I related to the Borden family maid, Bridget Sullivan, because she was Irish and hated having to wash windows.

Lessons Learned

Lizzie Borden was guilty….maybe.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #97: Flowers in the Attic (dir by Deborah Chow)

Posted on January 21, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This weekend, I watched the Lifetime original movie Flowers in the Attic.

Why Was I Watching It?

How could I not watch it? From the minute Lifetime first started to air commercials for it back in November, I knew I was going to watch Flowers in the Attic. What especially captured my attention was the way Flowers in The Attic was referred to as being “the book you weren’t allowed to read.” Even though I hadn’t even heard of the book before I saw the commercials, that tag line hooked me. The forbidden is always so inviting.

Add to that, every time I mentioned Flowers in the Attic on Twitter, Mason Dye (who played Christopher in the film) always favorited my tweet. That was so sweet that there was no way I couldn’t watch the movie.

What Was It About?

The time is the 1950s. The recently widowed Corrine (Heather Graham) returns to her childhood home in Virginia. As Corrine explains to her children, she comes from a rich family but was disowned when she left home. Now, her plan is to make up with her disapproving father and inherit his fortune once he dies. Corrine also claims that the only way for her to win back her father’s love is for her to keep the existence of her children a secret.

Hence, Corrine’s children — teenagers Cathy (Kierna Shipka) and Christopher (Mason Dye) and twins Carrie and Cory — are forced to hide in the attic while Corrine charms her father. The children are watched over by their ultra-religious, abusive grandmother (Ellen Burstyn).

Once in the attic, the children soon realize that Corrine doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to win their freedom. While Cathy and Christopher struggle to come of age without any adult supervision, Grandma occasionally brings up mysterious powdered donuts. Soon, Cathy and Christopher are exploring their desires and the twins are falling ill…

What Worked?

It all worked. This was Lifetime at its absolute best: entertaining, fun, and wonderfully melodramatic. Along with being full of wonderfully gothic Southern atmosphere, Flowers in the Attic featured great performances from Heather Graham, Mason Dye, and Kiernan Shipka. Best of all was veteran actress Ellen Burstyn, who made Grandma into a wonderfully over-the-top monster.

What Did Not Work?

If I have any complaints, it’s that the film’s conclusion felt a bit abrupt. However, a sequel to Flowers is already in production so that ending was actually a perfect set-up for part two of the story.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Cathy was into ballet, just like me! If I ever found myself locked in an attic for a year and a half, I’d probably use the time to do some pointe work as well.

Lessons Learned

Don’t eat mysterious donuts.

What Lisa, Evelyn, and Erin Watched Sunday Night #96: The 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards

Posted on January 14, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Sunday night, my sister, my best friend, and I gathered together and watched the 71st Annual Golden Globes.

Why Were Watching It?

Because it was an awards show! Seriously, I love awards.

What Was It About?

When you think about it, the Golden Globes are a lot like that nerdy kid in high school that everyone tolerated because he had rich parents but who they still made fun of every chance they got. Whenever his parents went out of town, he would throw a wild but somewhat desperate party. Everyone would spend the weekend trashing his house and drinking all of his alcohol and then leave without bothering to help him clean up afterward.

(I guess now would be a good time to add that, if Taylor is reading this, sorry!)

Seriously, the Golden Globes are so weird! Nobody is really sure who is in the Hollywood Foreign Press but, every year, they serve free drinks and give out a lot of awards and, as a result, everyone in Hollywood gets together for one night.

What Worked?

Okay, first thing first — a lot of people on twitter thought that the speech Diane Keaton gave and song she sang while accepting the Governor’s Award for Woody Allen was creepy but I thought it was really sweet! I know that a lot of people have issues with Woody Allen (see below) but I usually enjoy his movies.

(When they were showing clips from Allen’s career, they showed Diane Keaton in Annie Hall going, “La dee da, la dee da…” and Evelyn says, “Is she playing Lisa?”)

Last year, I was one of the few people who didn’t think that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did that great of a job as hosts but this year, I agree with everyone else. Tina and Amy should host everything.

I loved it when Melissa McCarthy was pretending to be Matt Damon. What I especially loved was how Matt Damon played along with the joke, to the extent that when Michael Douglas praised him while accepting his Golden Globe, Matt actually pointed over at Melissa.

I can’t complain about any of the winners, which is a rarity for me. I was surprised to see Brooklyn Nine Nine win the Golden Globes for Best Actor and Best TV Show Comedy but I’ve never actually watched the show so I can’t complain.

My favorite acceptance speech came from Matthew McConaughey, mostly because he said, “Alright, alright, alright…”

Finally, a most importantly, a lot of redheads were honored this year. It was a good night for my fellow members of the 2%.

What Did Not Work?

Oh, where to start? Because of all the alcohol involved and the mix of television and movie stars, the Golden Globes have gotten a reputation for being more fun than the Oscars but, for every celebrity who is a fun drunk, there’s about a hundred more who are boring drunks and the 71st annual Golden Globes proved this point. For every Emma Thompson, there was a Jacqueline Bisset. For all the attention that’s being given to a few unexpected moments (and NBC’s reaction to those moments — who would have guessed the censors would get so worked up over vagina?), the Golden Globes were actually rather restrained and boring this year.

The award for most obnoxious presenter goes to Diddy. What was Diddy even doing up there?

The Golden Globes Ceremony was scheduled to last three hours and, unlike the Oscars, it ended on time. However, a lot of those three hours were taken up with watching the winners trying to navigate their way up to the stage. It got boring. Add to that, I am so tired of nominees who don’t bother to come up with a coherent speech before they win their award. It’s not that cute.

All in all, the ceremony could have really used a big production number or two.

Of course, Woody Allen can’t ever win an award without his son, Ronan Farrow, going on twitter and whining about how terrible his father is and all of the little sycophants who follow him chimed in with their usual, “Oh Ronan, I’m sorry!” Uhmmm, just curious — would anyone know who Ronan Farrow is if not for his parents? A lot of people have had shitty fathers but very few of those people have managed to get their own show on MSNBC as a result of it. Just saying.

Who exactly told Emma Stone it would be a good idea to wear a dress that appeared to be decorated with sperm?

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I’ll Show You Some Golden Globes!

Lessons Learned

Award shows can be boring.

What Lisa and Megan Watched Last Night #95: California Dreams 3.10 “Daddy’s Girl” (dir by Patrick Maloney)

Posted on December 1, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I’ve been spending the weekend visiting my sister Megan and her family. Last night, Megan and I watched yet another episode of the mediocre yet oddly entertaining 90s sitcom, California Dreams.

Why Were We Watching It?

So, last night, after everyone else in the house was sound asleep, Megan and I were awake and doing some sisterly bonding, which — when you’re a member of the Bowman clan — usually concludes with watching something silly.

But what to watch? Because I have the greatest big sister in the world, Megan happens to have every season of Saved By The Bell: The New Class on DVD and, at first, I was really tempted to suggest that we watch something from the storied history of Bayside High. But, when I actually thought about it, I knew that we simply had to watch yet another episode of California Dreams.

Last night, we watched a handful of episodes but I specifically decided to review the “Daddy’s Girl” episode because it was the episode that preceded the Family Trees episode, which just happens to also be the last episode of the show that I reviewed for this site.

(As some of our regular readers my remember, it’s been nearly a year since Megan first introduced me to this show when, during the Christmas holidays, we sat down and watched the 4th season episode, Dancing Isn’t Everything. )

What Was It About?

Future steroid addict Tiffani Smith (Kelly Packard) is worried because her father has been alone ever since her parents got divorced. (I assume that the Smiths got divorced though it’s never specifically stated, beyond Mr. Smith saying, “Ever since your mother left…” So, it’s entirely possible that Tiffani’s mom may have joined a cult or something.) Tiffani arranges for her father to meet Ariel (Kristine Sutherland), a woman who claims to be an expert in dolphins. Mr. Smith and Ariel hit it off and, at first, Tiffani is super excited!

However, Mr. Smith is soon spending all of him time hanging out with Ariel and a jealous Tiffani ends up having one of those extremely elaborate and plot-specific nightmares that always seem to happen on California Dreams. So, with the help of Ariel’s criminal record, Tiffani breaks up her dad’s new relationship.

Problem solved, right?

Nope. Now that Mr. Smith is alone again, Tiffani feels guilty and seriously, you have to wonder if there’s ever been a more wishy-washy character than Tiffani Smith. So, Tiffani tries to get Ariel and Mr. Smith back together by singing them a song.

Meanwhile, in the B plot, Mark (Aaron Jackson) has come up with a computer program that tells Samantha (Jennie Kwan), Tony (William James Jones), Jake (Jay Anthony Franke), and Lorena (Diana Uribe) that none of them are compatible. Since this was made in the 1990s, everyone automatically believes anything determined by a computer to be true and, as a result, there are mass breakups.

What Worked?

As soon as Ariel first stepped into Sharky’s, Megan and I immediately exclaimed, “Buffy!” That’s because Ariel was played by Kristine Sutherland who is better known for playing Joyce Summers, the mother of Buffy the Vampire Slayer! This, of course, led to Megan and I imagining a scenario where Tiffani’s dad turned out to be a vampire and Buffy had to destroy him. That was a lot of fun.

I thought it was funny just how terrified Tony was of having to listen to Mr. Smith talk about humpback whales. It made me smile.

What Did Not Work?

To be honest, this episode really had a pretty bad message and I’m glad that I didn’t see it whenever it originally aired because it probably would have given me a lot of false hope. Tiffani’s father goes out with Ariel because Tiffani wants him to. He breaks up with Ariel because Tiffani wants him to. And then, eventually, they get back together again because Tiffani is really sorry and really wants everything to be better.

This episode takes place in a world where a daughter can heal a broken family just through sheer willpower and desire. It’s a world where, even if that daughter screws everything up, all she has to do is let everyone know how sorry she is and then sing a pretty song and magically, everything will be better. It would be nice if that was true but it’s not and that’s one of the hardest lessons to learn when you’re young and convinced that, since everything is somehow your fault, you’re also capable of fixing it all and making everyone happy again.

On a less serious note, do the members of the California Dreams ever do anything other than eat? Seriously! Almost every episode seems to feature them whining about how they don’t have any money and yet, they spend all of their time at Sharky’s eating. If Mark is really struggling financially, maybe he shouldn’t have ordered that expensive desert.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

As usual, I related to Lorena because she had really pretty hair and the best fashion sense of anyone on the show. Plus, I’ve got a weakness for bad boys who wear big, bulky jackets.

As I told Megan last night, much like Tiffani, I also spent a lot of my teenage years wishing that I could sing a song that would somehow make everything better.

“Lisa Marie,” Megan said, “that’s sweet but you know you can’t sing.”

And she’s right. I can’t carry a tune to save my life.

Lessons Learned

Humpback whales are boring.

What Horror Lisa and The Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #94: Grave Halloween (dir by Stephen R. Monroe)

Posted on October 20, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I turned over to SyFy and watched an original horror film entitled Grave Halloween.

Why Were We Watching It?

It was Saturday night and that meant that it was time for another Snarkalec live tweet! We were all pretty excited about watching and live tweeting Grave Halloween, largely because it was directed by the same guy who directed the greatest film to ever premiere on SyFy, End Of The World.

What Was It About?

A group of American exchange students in Japan go into a place known as Suicide Forest to make a movie. Years ago, Maiko’s (Kaitlyn Leeb) mother committed suicide in the forest. Naturally, as soon as Maiko and her friends enter the forest, they end up getting lost, having visions of the dead, and dying in various grotesque ways. It doesn’t help that one of Maiko’s friends finds a discarded watch in the forest and decides to stick it in his pocket. Seriously, ghosts are apparently really attached to their watches.

What Worked?

A lot of people on twitter complained that Grave Halloween moved too slowly. I, however, didn’t find the film to be that slow. It was definitely deliberately paced (especially when compared to some of the other films that have appeared on SyFy) but I thought that was to the film’s advantage. The film took its time to set up its scares and shocks and the end result was a genuinely creepy horror film that rewarded the audience’s patience.

The film was set in Japan but, like most SyFy films, it was actually filmed in Vancouver. Now, I’ve never been to Japan or Vancouver so I can’t really say whether Canada could pass for Japan. But what I do know is that director Stephen R. Monroe got every single bit of atmosphere that he could out of the forests of British Columbia. As filmed by Monroe and cinematographer Michael C. Blundell, the scenery is both beautiful and menacing. By the end of the film, the forest itself feels like an individual character.

Of the cast of victims, my favorite was Brody (played by Jesse Wheeler), mostly because he looked like he could be Greg Grunberg’s younger brother.

What Did Not Work?

As I watched Grave Halloween, it quickly became apparent that the entire situation was pretty much all Maiko’s fault. She’s the one who led her friends into Suicide Forest. She’s the one who, even after everyone started to vanish, refused to leave. Ultimately, she was the one who was responsible for putting her friends in a position where they could all be killed.

And yet, no one in the film seemed to be willing to acknowledge that they would have all been better off if they had never met Maiko. Seriously, I was so waiting for someone to say, “Okay, Maiko — you go do your thing and the rest of us are going to get the fuck outta here before we end up getting ripped into little pieces, ‘kay?”

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

So, naturally, one of the girls ended up tripping while she was running through the forest. Despite the fact that it didn’t look like that bad of a fall, she ended up with a broken bone literally poking out of her leg.

Since I’m currently recovering from a sprained ankle, you can probably imagine that this was not my favorite scene in the movie. Instead, it made me go, “Agck!” and then hide my face in a pillow because I could relate way too much.

(That said, I’m still amazed at how fragile her bones apparently were…)

Lessons Learned

Never steal a dead man’s watch.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #93: The Woods (dir by Lucky McKee)

Posted on October 13, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I turned over to Chiller and watched the brilliant 2006 horror film, The Woods.

Why Was I Watching It?

I ended up watching The Woods almost at random. I didn’t want to go out last night because it’s Texas-OU weekend and that meant that the streets of Dallas would probably be full of drunk people from Tulsa. Even more importantly, I couldn’t go out because I’m recovering from a sprained ankle.

Normally, under those circumstances, I would have watched and live tweeted an original SyFy film. However, last night, SyFy was showing Fright Night which I had little interest in sitting through. So, instead, I turned over to Chiller and decided to give The Woods a try.

And that is how I randomly discovered one of the best horror films that I’ve recently seen.

What Was It About?

The year is 1965. Angry teenager Heather (Agnes Bruckner) starts a fire in a forest. Frustrated by their daughter’s rebellious nature, her parents enroll her at Falburn Academy, a boarding school that sits in the middle of the woods. Because she is the only redhead at the school, Heather is an immediate outsider who finds herself being taunted by the blonde Samantha (Rachel Nichols) and called “Firecrotch” by her other classmates.

However, Heather has more problems that just a bunch of anti-redhead bigots. She has nightmares where voices seem to call to her from the woods. Her friends Marcy and Ann both disappear from their beds, leaving behind a pile of dead leaves. Meanwhile, the school’s mysterious headmistress (Patricia Clarkson) insists that nothing strange is happening…

What Worked?

I wasn’t expecting much from The Woods. After all, it was a film that was released straight-to-DVD in 2006 and Chiller doesn’t exactly have a reputation for showing the best films. But, oh my God, y’all — The Woods turned out to be such a good film! The Woods is an atmospheric and surprisingly well-acted film that’s full of haunting imagery and memorable details. Much like Dario Argento’s Suspiria (which has a similar plot to this film), The Woods is a triumph of both style and substance.

While the entire film is well-acted, special mention should be made of Patricia Clarkson, who gives a performance that is both menacing and humorous. Genre fans will be happy to see Bruce Campbell in the role of Bruckner’s well-meaning father.

Finally, I have to admit that, as a member of the 2% of the population who have been blessed with red hair, I have a special appreciation for this film. Behind all of the scares, The Woods provides a compelling portrait of the discrimination that those of us with red hair struggle with every single day. From the minute Heather enters Falburn Academy, she is the subject of constant prejudice because of the color of her hair. As someone who has had to endure countless comments about redheads not having souls, I both related to and appreciated the film’s sensitivity to those of us in the 2%.

What Did Not Work?

Over on the film’s imdb page, there’s some debate as to whether or not the term “Firecrotch” was in use back in 1965. Personally, I think that’s nitpicking. The fact of the matter is that anti-redhead prejudice has always been with us. If people in the 60s didn’t attack us by calling us “Firecrotch,” they undoubtedly called us something equally bad. As far as I’m concerned, the entire film worked perfectly.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Almost the entire film was an “Oh my God! Just like me!” moment, largely because the main character was a redhead and had to deal with constant anti-redhead prejudice. (“Oh my God! Just like me!”)

At one point, Samantha taunts Heather by asking, “Is your pubic hair red?” which is the exact same question that I got asked several times throughout high school, though in my case, I was usually asked by a guy with a smirk on his face. (“You’ll never know,” I would reply.) Heather then finds herself being repeatedly called “Firecrotch” by people who are jealous of her red hair and again, oh my god! Just like me!

Finally, as I mentioned above, I sprained my ankle last Wednesday and, as such, I’ve spent the last few days recovering. Amazingly enough, about halfway through the film, Heather twists her ankle. She spends the rest of the movie either on crutches or painfully limping. Oh my God! Just like me!

(As a quick aside, can I just say how much I HATE crutches!? Oh my God, they’re the worst…)

Lessons Learned

I am tempted to say that the main lesson to be learned from The Woods is that it’s not easy being a redhead. However, I knew that before I watched the film. I also knew that you should stay out of the woods, which is the main reason why you’ll never catch me camping.

So, the most important lesson that I learned is that everyone should see The Woods.

What Lisa and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #92: Scarecrow (dir by Sheldon Wilson)

Posted on October 6, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Snarkalecs and I watched the SyFy original horror film, Scarecrow.

Why Were We Watching It?

For the first time in several months, SyFy was actually showing an original film on Saturday night (as opposed to episodes of Sinbad). Since the Snarkalecs have sworn to protest SyFy’s decision to make Thursday movie night, we were naturally very happy to have a movie premiering where we felt it belonged. Needless to say, there was no way that we weren’t going to watch Scarecrow and tweet the hell out of it, if just to let SyFy know that there is an audience for original movies on Saturday.

What Was It About?

A high school teacher takes the Saturday morning detention crew out to a deserted farm so that they can perform a community service by taking apart an old scarecrow and transporting it back to town. However, the scarecrow has other ideas…

What Worked?

Overall, Scarecrow was a surprisingly effective little horror film. The filmmakers didn’t attempt to reinvent the genre but that’s okay. They may have told a familiar story but the important thing is that they told the story well. In the best SyFy tradition, Scarecrow moves quickly and is a lot of fun to watch with a group of friends.

As I watched Scarecrow, I quickly came to realize that the filmmakers understood something very important. Farms — especially deserted farms that sit abandoned out of the middle of nowhere — are inherently creepy. When I was little, my family lived near (and occasionally on) several farms and, as my sisters delight in reminding me, I would get scared anytime we walked or drove by a barn. Can you blame me? Barns, after all, were big, dark buildings that were maintained by taciturn, unsmiling men. Anything could be living inside of a barn, just waiting to reach out and grab a little redheaded girl as she tried to walk by. (Not to mention that barns were full of hay and dust and were not the best place for a girl with severe asthma to be near.) The barns in Scarecrow were just as creepy as the ones from my childhood and they contributed nicely to the film’s horrific atmosphere.

The Scarecrow, itself, was a surprisingly effective monster. Considering the film’s limited budget, the Scarecrow was scary and, even more importantly, believable. He was the type of monster who could have easily popped out of one of my many farm-related nightmares.

What Did Not Work?

This was another one of those horror films in which one of the major characters was essentially responsible for getting almost the entire cast killed off. And yet, nobody ever said, “Hmmm…y’know, that person really screwed things up…” Seriously, if we don’t start to hold people accountable then what hope do we ever have of stopping scarecrows from committing mass murder?

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Whenever I watch a movie like this, where a group of people end up getting killed largely as a result of their own stupidity, I realize that I probably would not survive a horror movie. Seriously, if I was ever confronted by an axe-wielding maniac, I would so be the type of girl that everyone makes fun of whenever they watch a horror movie. I would be the girl who would end up trying to escape by running up a flight of stairs. In the case of Scarecrow, I guess I would the one who would end up running off into the cornfield by herself.

I also appreciated the scene where two future victims start making out on the school bus. It brought back a lot of memories because, as fun as it was to go to speech and drama tournaments and on field trips, you still had to find some way to pass the time on the bus.

Lessons Learned

Farms are creepy!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #92: The Cheating Pact (dir by Doug Campbell)

Posted on September 29, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Late last night, I watched an original Lifetime movie called The Cheating Pact.

Why Was I Watching It?

It was on Lifetime. How could I not watch it?

What Was It About?

The Cheating Pact is yet another Lifetime movie about upper middle class high school girls murdering each other. The girls also refuse to appreciate or listen to the advice offered up by their mothers and, in typical Lifetime fashion, the movie doesn’t seem to be certain whether it’s worse to be a murderer or a spoiled brat.

(Personally, I was occasionally accused of being a spoiled brat when I was in high school and I turned out just fine…)

Heather (Daniela Bobadilla) and Kylie (Laura Ashley Samuels) are both feeling pressured to get high scores on the College Entrance Test. Fortunately, Heather’s former best friend Meredith (Laura Wiggins) is a genius. (Just in case anyone is doubting Meredith’s intelligence, she wears glasses. So there.) Meredith agrees to take their tests for them and soon, she’s getting paid thousands of dollars to help her peers get into college.

However, Kylie isn’t happy with her score and feels that Meredith deliberately did poorly on the test. And so, as often happens in these films, Kylie shoves Meredith to her death and then tries to frame Heather for the murder,

What Worked?

Whenever you watch a Lifetime movie about a teenage girl doing something wrong and then not going to her mom for advice (or, even worse, ignoring her mom’s advice), you always know that the worst possible thing is going to happen as a result. In these uncertain times, a film like The Cheating Pact is so predictable that it’s actually rather comforting.

I also love how Lifetime movies always present high school as being ruled by an erratic matriarchal society that’s dominated by secret organizations and melodramatic conspiracies, If anything, I think Lifetime movies probably offer the most realistic depictions of high school that I’ve ever seen.

What Did Not Work?

Hey, it was a Lifetime movie. Therefore, it all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Much like Kylie, I once accidentally shoved someone over a stairway railing. But shhhhhh …. don’t tell anyone.

Lessons Learned

I missed the opportunity to make a lot of easy money in high school.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #91: The Omega Code (dir by Robert Marcarelli)

Posted on September 26, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Early this morning, after waking up and walking into a wall, I watched The Omega Code, an evangelically-themed film from 1999.

Why Was I Watching It?

Earlier this year, my friend Evelyn and I watched a film called Megiddo: The Omega Code 2. We were both oddly amused by Megiddo so, when I saw that the first Omega Code film was going to be on one of the religious stations, I set the DVR to record it and made plans to watch it at some point in the future.

Last night, I happened to wake up around 3 in the morning. I got out of bed, I took a few steps forward, and I walked straight into a wall. After that, I turned on the lights and I was relieved to discover that my nose had protected the rest of my face from the wall.

So there I was at 3 in the morning with my red nose and my bruised pride and, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t get back to sleep. What’s a girl to do, right? So, I decided that since I was awake anyway, I would go ahead and watch The Omega Code.

What Was It About?

The world is ending. People are starving. Nations are going to war. Fortunately, the President of the European Union, Stone Alexander (Michael York) has a plan to save us all. Unfortunately, Stone Alexander also happens to be the Antichrist.

In order to get all of humanity to accept his plan, Stone recruits the world’s most famous motivational speaker (Casper Van Dien). However, Van Dien find out about the Omega Code, a secret code that uses the bible to predict the future. And, as Van Dien discovers, the future looks positively apocalyptic….

What Worked?

When I reviewed Megiddo: Omega Code 2, I mentioned that if you’ve got a naturally villainous name like Stone Alexander, you might as well be evil. The same remains true of The Omega Code. Stone Alexander is so evil and Michael York is obviously having so much fun playing him that the fun is almost contagious.

Michael Ironside plays Dominic, Stone Alexander’s henchman. In a rather offensive moment, Alexander reveals that Dominic is both gay and a former priest and the implication (which was probably popular with the film’s target audience) is that Dominic’s villainy is the direct result of both his Catholicism and his sexuality. But, regardless, Ironside gives a memorably menacing performance.

It’s interesting how the villains in religious films are often more compelling than the heroes…

What Did Not Work?

Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was spoiled by getting the chance to see the 2nd Omega Code before I saw the first one. Omega Code 2 was the epitome of a so-bad-that-it’s-good type of film but the first Omega Code was just bad. Not even the combined villainy of Michaels York and Ironside could make The Omega Code entertaining.

(Add to that, Megiddo: Omega Code 2 featured cameos from both Franco Nero and Udo Kier, while The Omega Code featured … well, no one.)

No review of The Omega Code would be complete without mentioning that, in the lead role, Casper Van Dien gives perhaps one of the worst performances ever captured on film. It’s oddly fascinating to watch and try to figure out how anybody could give such an incompetent performance.

As I watched the film, one question kept nagging at me. The Omega Code makes the argument that biblical prophecy should be taken literally. Therefore, if the bible is itself a literal document that tells you everything that you need to know than why hide a secret code between the lines? And, if you’re going to go through all the trouble to come up with a secret code, why use that code to then hide cryptic phrases that could literally be translated to mean anything? It just seems a bit overly complicated.

(That, incidentally, is the same reason why I don’t have much use for anything that Dan Brown has ever written.)

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

None. Seriously, there was not a single moment in this film to which I could relate. Some of that may be because this film was obviously made to appeal to an evangelical audience, as opposed to a free-thinking fallen Catholic like me.

Then again, it could also be that The Omega Code just wasn’t a very good movie.

Lessons Learned

I really didn’t learn anything. Sorry, not sorry.