Tag Archives: What Lisa Watched Last Night

What Lisa Watched Last Night #230: Match, Meet, Murder (dir by Nicholas Treeshin)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, around 3 in the morning, I watched the Lifetime film, Match, Meet, Murder!

Why Was I Watching It?

It was late, I had insomnia, and the title just spoke to me.  What can I say?  I had many reasons for my decision and I don’t regret it for a minute.

What Was It About?

Ruby (Stephanie Sy) is a lingerie designer who has been in a dating slump ever since ending her long-term relationship with independent journalist Luke (Erik Athavale).  Ruby’s friend, photographer Ella (Amanda Austin), gives her a secret code for the very exclusive Rima dating app.  Soon, Ruby is matched with Dylan (Jacob Blair).

Dylan, it turns out, is a bit of celebrity.  He was the winning contestant on a reality show hosted by notorious matchmaker, Jules (Lisa Marie DiGiacinto).  The season may have ended with Dylan getting engaged but his new fiancée mysteriously vanished.  Now, Dylan is dating Ruby and he doesn’t seem to be quite stable.  He still has his ex’s clothes hanging in his bedroom closet.  Run, Ruby, run!

What Worked?

I absolutely loved the demented performance of Lisa Marie DiGiacinto, who played Jules the matchmaker.  I can’t say too much about it without spoiling the film but I will say that DiGiacinto fully understood the importance of embracing the melodrama in a film like this.

Some of Ruby’s lingerie designs were cute.  The black bralette was adorable.  Of course, I’d never be able to wear it because I actually have boobs.

What Did Not Work?

I’m usually willing to suspend my disbelief when it comes to a Lifetime film because the melodrama is usually the point.  That said, I had a hard time believing that any successful woman could be as clueless as Ruby.  She acted as if the concepts of both dating apps and reality TV were entirely new to her.  I could excuse her dating app confusion because her character was said to be coming out of a long term relationship.  But, seriously — not knowing about a reality television show?  The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are inescapable, whether you watch them or not.  I haven’t been able to really sit down and watch Love Island but it only takes a few minutes of me scrolling twitter before I feel as if I have.

As well, it took Ruby way too long to figure out that there might be something strange about Dylan’s previous girlfriend disappearing.  Discovering her clothes still hanging in his closet?  That’s a bit too obvious of a red flag to be shrugged off for as long as she did.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Lingerie designer is definitely one of my fallback options if the whole movie-watching writer thing doesn’t work out.  I will also say that I related to the shock of the assistant who introduced Ruby to reality television and was shocked to discover just how little Ruby apparently knew about pop culture.

Lessons Learned

If a guy you barely know has all of his ex’s clothes still hanging in his closet, run!  To be honest, you shouldn’t need a movie to learn that lesson.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #229: Sleepwalking In Suburbia (dir by Alex Wright)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the classic 2017 Lifetime film, Sleepwalking In Suburbia.

Why Was I Watching It?

I was watching it as a part of the #MondayMania watch party!  We’ve been watching the Stalked By My Doctor films and Sleepwalking In Suburbia, along with being a stand-alone film, leads into the fourth Stalked By Doctor film.  While I watched, I realized that I hadn’t reviewed this film yet so I decided to get on it.

What Was It About?

Michelle Miller (Emillie Ullerup) has a nice house in the suburbs and a successful husband (Giles Panton) but she also has a sleepwalking problem.  At night, she’ll get out of bed, leave the house, and, while in trance, go inside someone else’s house and either have sex in the living room or join them in bed.  She’s been diagnosed with “sexsomia.”

One sleepwalking incident leads to her having sex with her neighbor, Luke (Carlo Marks).  Now, every time that Luke sees Michelle, he’s like, “When are you coming by again?” and Michelle is like, “What are you even talking about, weirdo?”

Michelle’s pregnant!  Her husband is all excited but is he the father or is it Luke?  And when Luke’s wife seemingly vanishes, Michelle suspects that there might be murder in suburbia as well!

What Worked?

What worked?  The entire movie, that’s what worked!  Seriously, this was one of the greatest Lifetime films ever made.  It embraced the melodrama.  The plot featured twist after implausible twist.  The performances were enjoyably over-the-top and I defy anyone not to smile when the kindly doctor announces that Michelle has “sexsomia.”

Here’s the thing: sexsomia is a real thing.  Now, if you look it up on Wikipedia, it redirects to “sleep sex” but this is a Lifetime film and it’s obvious that it was understood that “sexsomia” just sounds better than “sleep sex.”  Was this film a realistic portrayal of sexsomia?  Who knows and who cares?

The title was absolutely brilliant.  Anytime you see the word “suburbia” in the title of a Lifetime movie, you know you’re about to see something special.  And I have to say that the film made the suburbs look very nice.  All the houses were big and well-decorated. No one in the Lifetime universe lives in a small house (unless they’re living in a trailer parker, which does happen on occasion.)  That’s the way things should be.

Emillie Ullerup gave a great performance as Michelle.  Her intense sleepwalking stare was one of the thing that made this film so entertaining.  Giles Panton and Carlo Marks also gave good performance as two of the men in her life in her waking and sleeping life.  The scene where Panton, as Michlle’s husband, reveals that he wants to handcuff Michelle in bed so that she won’t leave is both horrifying and slightly funny.  “Not kinky!” her husband assures her.

Finally, the film ended with one of those out-there twists that Lifetime is known for.  Seriously, when you’re in a Lifetime film, trust no one!  The film’s ending was also open-ended enough that it allowed Michelle to return for Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked!  This is a film that relentlessly and unapologetically embraced the melodrama in the best Lifetime tradition!  When I talk about the best Lifetime films being self-aware without being too in-your-face about it, this is the type of film that I’m talking about.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Wandering around in your night clothes in the middle of the night?  Hey, I’ve been there!  Of course, in my case, I was actually awake and I was checking on a cat.  I have never broken into a house while just wearing a slip.  I usually at least put on a robe before doing something like that.

Lessons Learned

Lock the door before you go to sleep.  And the windows!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #228: Killing the Competition (dir by Lee Gabiana)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Technically, I didn’t watch this last night.  I watched it earlier this morning on Prime.  But seriously, morning?  Night?  When you sleep as little as I do, it really doesn’t make a difference.

Why Was I Watching It?

As most of our longtime readers know, I love Lifetime movies.  I used to review hundreds of Lifetime movies a year.  Unfortunately, over the past few years have been busy one and I haven’t been able to keep up with the latest Lifetime films like I used to.  That’s something that I want to change so I’ve decided to start getting caught up with this year’s films.  It’s time to once again embrace the melodrama!

After getting two hours of sleep, I woke up this morning feeling under the weather.  I told my sister to go to mass and say a prayer for my continued life.  And then, once I had the house to myself, I watched Killing The Competition.  Why did I pick that particular Lifetime film?  Three words: Melissa. Joan. Hart.  SABRINA!  Hart has appeared in her share of Lifetime films over the past few years and she always throws herself into each one.  When I read that this film featured Hart as an obsessive cheer mom, I knew there was no way I couldn’t watch.

What Was It About?

In high school, Elizabeth (Melissa Joan Hart) was a cheerleader and a  member of the chess team.  (“See, I was smart!” she says while looking through an old yearbook.)  She claims that she was head dancer, even though the cheerleading team has never had a head dancer.  Now that she’s married and bored with her suburban existence, Elizabeth pushes her teenage daughter, Grace (Lily Brooks O’Bryant), to try out for the squad.  When Grace isn’t selected, Elizabeth lodges a formal complaint and the mayor of the town announces that not only will Grace be a cheerleader but so will every other girl who was rejected that year.  Grace is excited but Elizabeth is worried that this will now cause people to view Grace as being a loser who was forced onto the team.

At first, I assumed that Elizabeth would be one of those cheer moms who hired a hitman to take out one of her daughter’s cheer rivals.  Instead, Elizabeth turns out to be so pathologically jealous that she gets upset when her daughter makes the team.  Elizabeth convinces herself that Grace’s boyfriend is cheating with another cheerleader (Valerie Loo) and that Grace is about get dumped.  When Grace doesn’t get dumped or humiliated, Elizabeth goes off the deep end.

What Worked?

Again, three words: Melissa. Joan. Hart.  Whether she’s sneaking into cheerleader try-outs or spying on her daughter while wearing sunglasses and a wig, Hart is a total joy to watch as Elizabeth goes mad with envy.  Elizabeth tries to run her daughter’s boyfriend over with her car.  Elizabeth steals her daughter’s phone and sends texts.  (She takes a picture of a wedding dress and sends Grace’s boyfriend a text that reads: “Thinking of the future.”)  Elizabeth insists that everyone try on her former cheerleading uniform.  Elizabeth talks about how no one will ever forget who you were when you were in high school.  Elizabeth points a gun at people and then tries to convince them that it’s no big deal.  Elizabeth does a lot of things and Melissa Joan Hart does a great job portraying each and every one of them.

What Did Not Work?

At times, this film was almost too self-aware.  That may seem like a strange thing to say about a Lifetime film but I always like the Lifetime films that are subtly self-aware as opposed to the ones that attempt to scream from the rooftops, “We’re laughing with you!”  The best Lifetime films often feel like a private joke between the network and its fans, one that only devoted watchers will be able to fully understand and appreciate.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

Watching this film, I realized how lucky my sister Erin and I were.  Our mom was supportive but she wasn’t crazy.  She went to every game when Erin was a cheerleader.  No matter where we were living, she always found me a dance teacher and she always told me how proud she was of me and she always made me feel like I was the greatest dancer in the world.  She was supportive and, though we didn’t appreciate it at the time, she sacrificed a lot to make sure we could do what we wanted to do.  But, at the same time, she never tried to kill anyone.  We never had to deal with the awkward moment of the police showing up at the house with an arrest warrant.  That was a good thing.

Lessons Learned

I still enjoy Lifetime movies!  Yay!

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #228: Dressed to Kill (dir by Lindsay Hartley)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I turned over to the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched Dressed to Kill!

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime!  It’s been a while since I’ve really gotten a chance to enjoy a good Lifetime film.  I was planning on getting back into my Lifetime viewing habit last year but 2024 had other plans.  This year, though, I hope to once again get to enjoy my weekly Lifetime fix.

What Was It About?

When Vanessa (Suzanne R. Neff) dies after someone steals her asthma inhaler, she leaves her clothing company not her spoiler daughter Blair (Annie Sullivan) but instead to her loyal and kind-hearted assistant, Amy (Brianna Cohen).  Amy tries to figure out who killed Vanessa.  Was it Blair?  Was it disgruntled seamstress Wanda (Monanik Dugar)?  Or was it Amy’s own boyfriend, Kevin (Moe Sehgal)?

What Worked

First, and most importantly, this film fully embraced the melodrama.  When it comes to Lifetime films, the promise of melodrama is essential and the best films are the ones that shamelessly embrace it.  Director Lindsay Hartley kept the action moving and didn’t waste too much time trying to convince the viewer that they were watching a realistic portrait of life in the fashion industry.

This film actually did keep me guessing as far as who the murderer was.  It’s obvious that the filmmakers understood who most veteran Lifetime viewers would automatically suspect and, wisely, they played around with those expectations.

Monanik Dugar’s performance was Wanda was wonderfully unhinged.  I also liked Annie Sullivan’s performance as the hilariously entitled Blair.  As played by Sullivan, Blair was the influencer from Hell.

What Did Not Work

I probably would have taken the fashion aspect of the movie more seriously if the clothes hadn’t been so …. uhm, well …. ugly.  Of course, it’s all in the eye of the bolder but let’s just say that I would not have worn any of the outfits.

This movie did feature a fashion show but it looked so low-rent that, again, it left me wondering whether it would be better to just let the company go out of business.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I have asthma so, as soon as I saw Vanessa grabbing her inhaler, I knew how she was going to die.  That made me go “Agck!” because, seriously, asthma attacks are always scary.

When I was 18, I had a friend who got a job at a clothing company in Dallas.  At first, I thought that was really exciting but then I visited her at work and discovered that it was a place that designed polyester cabana wear for senior citizens.  Admittedly, that doesn’t have much to do with this movie but I still found myself thinking about it as I watched Dressed To Kill.  At least the company in Dressed to Kill could afford to put on a fashion show.  This place where my friend worked wasn’t even willing to do that,

(For the record, my friend only worked there for two weeks before walking off the job.  Some of that was my fault because I had lunch with her on her final day and, as her lunch hour came to a close, I said, “What if you just didn’t go back?”  Having never had a job before, I was shocked to discover that people still get a final paycheck even if they just leave for lunch and then never come back.  Hmmm, I thought, maybe I’ll get a job someday….)

Lessons Learned

Be careful with those scissors!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #227: Roommate Regret (dir by Peter Foldy)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Sunday, I turned the channel to the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched Roommate Regret!

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on the Lifetime Move Network!  It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to sit down and watch a Lifetime film and that’s a shame because my Lifetime reviews used to be a staple of this site.  After a rough two weeks, I figured it was time to start once again embracing the melodrama.

What Was It About?

Jessica (Maryana Dvorska) has just purchased her first house in Florida!  To help pay the mortgage, she is planning on renting out the spare bedroom.  A series of odd people come by the house and check out the room.  Jessica wants to rent the room to an eccentric lawyer but her best friend, Louisa (Veronica Long), insists that Jessica take a chance on Alec (Josh Cole), an English music producer who doesn’t have any credit but who swears that he’ll be able to pay her five months rent upfront as soon as his latest deal goes through.  Jessica is reluctant but Alec charms both her and Louisa by claiming to be an associate of rock star Preston Black (Sam Benjamin).

Jessica gives the room to Alec and …. well, not surprisingly, that turns out to be a mistake.  Alec is a terrible tenant who plays loud music and who regularly fights with the mysterious woman who comes to visit him.  Alec is also late with the rent and when he does pay, Jessica ends up getting arrested for passing counterfeit bills!  Jessica wants Alec out but complicating matters is that 1) Alec is now dating Louisa and 2) Alec does not want to leave.

What Worked?

This was actually a lot of fun, with an enjoyably melodramatic plot and a collection of quirky supporting characters.  Jessica was a likable enough character that I was willing to overlook the fact that she made some truly questionable decisions over the course of the film.  (Hey, who hasn’t made a questionable decision or two?)  My favorite character, however, was Louisa, who was just a pure force of nature and chaos.  She was the perfect best friend, the type who would support you while also encouraging you to live a little.

I appreciated the fact that, while Alec was definitely a bad guy, the film didn’t turn him into some sort of diabolic criminal mastermind.  For the most part, he was just a very bad and very sleazy tenant and an all-around dorky guy.  That was all that he really needed to be.  As a veteran Lifetime watcher, I spent the entire film waiting for him to murder someone and it was kind of a nice change-of-pace that he didn’t.

What Did Not Work?

Through no fault of actor Sam Benjamin, Preston Black was perhaps the world’s least convincing rock star.  Maybe if the film had been taking place 20 years in the past, I would have bought the character.

“OH MY GOD!  Just like me!” Moments

Beyond a shared appreciation for generic college sweatshirts and old movies, I can’t say that I had that much in common with Jessica.  She was much more practical-minded than I tend to be.  However, I did totally relate to Jessica’s fun-loving best friend, Louisa.  Even after learning she had been sleeping with a potentially violent criminal, Louisa remained enthusiastic about the prospect of meeting (or at least hearing the voice of) Preston Black.  Like me, Louisa was an optimist!

Lessons Learned

Just because someone has a cute accent, that doesn’t mean you should live with them.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #226: Double Threat (dir by Shane Stanley)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the 2022’s action film, Double Threat!

Why Was I Watching It?

I attended two watch parties on Monday and Double Threat was the second feature.  Jeff, Leonard, and I watched Double Threat with out friends Brad and Sierra and a few others.  Sierra was the one who recommended the film, having seen it while at work the previous week.  It was a fun night!  We enjoy watching movies together.

What Was It About?

Natalie (Danielle C. Ryan) has a job at a huge convenience store that is sitting in the middle of nowhere.  She does a good job working at the place, though her only regular customer is just an old man who enjoys asking Natalie to climb a ladder for him.

When an army of gunmen show up looking to kill Natalie, Natalie slips into her second personality of Natasha and goes on the run with a mild-mannered guy named Jimmy (Matthew Lawrence) who just happened to be in the store at the wrong time.  As Nat explains it to Jimmy, the convenience store was actually a front of the mob and Natasha (but not Natalie) was skimming money.  So now, the entire mob is looking to kill her.  Meanwhile, Jimmy just wants to make it to the coast so that he can spread the ashes of his dead brother.  (Awwwwwww!)

Heading up the search for Nat is Ask (Dawn Oliveri) and Ellis (Kevin Joy).  Ellis is the son of a mob boss and he’s eager to prove that he’s more than just the boss’s son.  However, he’s also Natasha’s former boyfriend and, whenever he has a chance to shoot her, he tends to instead start demanding to know why they broke up.  No wonder Ask keeps getting frustrated!

What Worked?

Danielle C. Ryan did a good job playing both Natalie and Natasha and she had very likable chemistry with Matthew Laurence.  They made for a natural couple and I did find myself really hoping that things would work out for the two of them.

Most of the action took place in the country.  I’m a city girl at heart but I do still have a soft spot for the natural, undeveloped corners of America and this film provided a lot of nice scenery.

What Did Not Work?

The plot was a bit too overly complicated.  To be honest, I think the film would have worked just as fine (and would probably have flowed a bit better) if it had abandoned the whole idea of Nat having multiple personalities and had instead just had her be a badass who happened to work at a convenience store.

While I did occasionally laugh at Ellis’s inability to corner Natasha without demanding to know why she had dumped him, the scenes with Ellis and Ask got a bit repetitive.

“Oh my God!  Just Like Me!” Moments

Nat and I definitely have the same philosophy when it comes to driving.  Of course, Nat had the excuse that she had a bunch of mob assassins after her.  I just like to drive fast.

Lessons Learned

Never accept a job working at a mob front.  Not only do you have like absolutely no job security but apparently, you’ll end up having to run the entire store by yourself.

What Lisa Marie and Megan Watched Last Night #225: Mommy’s Little Star (dir by Curtis Crawford)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, my sister Megan and I watched Mommy’s Little Star on the Lifetime Movie Network!

Why Were We Watching It?

For the past week and a half, I’ve been visiting my sister Megan and her family.  This is kind of our holiday tradition.  Everyone gets together for Christmas and then, from Christmas Day to New Year, Megan and I catch up and bond and talk about how we’re feeling about the past year and what we’re hoping to get out of the upcoming year.  Plus, we watch a lot of TV and movies!

I’ve always loved watching movies with my family and I especially love Lifetime movies.  (Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten to watch as much Lifetime as usual this year.)  So, when I saw that the Lifetime Movie Network was broadcasting something called Mommy’s Little Star, I literally fell on my knees and begged Megan to stay up and watch it with me.

What Was It About?

12 year-old Olivia (Maja Vujicic) thinks that she’s found a way bring her parents back together.  She’ll become a social media star by posting dancing videos online.  If she can get her mother, Lauren (Rebecca Amzallag), to appear in the videos with her, she’ll become an even bigger star and maybe even win a contest because people love to watch young influencers dance with their moms.

Lauren’s new boyfriend, Aiden (Roderick McNeil), offers to act as Olivia’s agent and to guide her to social media stardom.  Olivia is excited but soon, she becomes so addicted to being popular online that she starts neglect her friends, her schoolwork, and her well-meaning but strict nanny.  Meanwhile, Aiden is actually a con artist who is willing to go to any lengths, including murder!, to get what he wants.

What Worked?

I always enjoy a good Lifetime moral panic film.  This film had the typical Lifetime plot of the handsome but sinister man who was trying to take a daughter away from her loving parents but, to that, it also added a fear that I imagine many parents have, the fear of what their children might be doing online.  One thing that both Olivia’s mom and her father (played by David Lafontaine) had in common is that neither one of them was really sure what it was that Olivia was getting so excited about and watching them, I was reminded of my aunt’s reaction when I first tried to explain to her what Twitter was.  The film suggested that all of the trouble that Olivia and her family go through is worth it because it encourages Olivia to eventually take a break from social media.  It’s all rather silly and campy but that’s what makes Lifetime movies so much fun.

I really enjoyed Roderick McNeil’s performance as Aiden.  He had the whole charming sociopath act down to perfection.

What Did Not Work?

The film missed an opportunity by not having Olivia herself turn evil in her attempts to win the big contest.  Maybe Lifetime had already met their quota for murderous children by the time they got around to Mommy’s Little Star.

“OMG!  Just like me!” Moments

Right after my parents divorced, I had a fantasy that lasted for about two years where they would both come to see me performing with the New York City Ballet and they would be so moved by my dancing that they would get back together.  That never happened, of course, but still, I could relate to what Olivia was trying to do even if I didn’t quite agree with her methods.

Both Megan and I agreed that Rebecca Amzallag, who did a great job playing Olivia’s mother, looked just like our friend Lea so that was kind of neat.  We spent a lot of the film asking ourselves, “Is that what Lea would do?”

Lessons Learned

Social media is evil!

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #224: Ice Road Killer (dir by Max McGuire)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched Ice Road Killer on the Lifetime Movie Network!

Why Was I Watching It?

It had been a while since I had last watched a Lifetime movie and, with this year soon to come to a close, I figured that last night would be a good time to start catching up.

What Was It About?

While on her way to pick up her daughter from college, Helen (Sarah Allen) nearly runs over a young woman named Carly (Zoe Belkin).  Carly claims that she’s stranded.  Because the roads are icy and a heavy snow is falling, Helen agrees to give Carly a ride to wherever Carly is going.  Needless to say, Helen’s daughter, Lauren (Erica Anderson), is not amused.

Of course, what Helen doesn’t realize is that Carly and her boyfriend, Boyd (Connor McMahon), are planning on robbing her.  But what Carly and Boyd don’t realize is that they are being followed by a psycho trucker (Michael Swatton), who is looking for revenge.  

What Worked?

For a Lifetime film, Ice Road Killer had some effectively scary moments and some creepy locations.  (The motel where Helen, Lauren, and Carly initially attempted to spend the night was memorably run-down and it brought back some memories of my own childhood road trips.)  The ice, the snow, and the howling wind all added up to create an otherworldly atmosphere and Christopher Guglick’s original score was appropriately ominous.  

Michael Swatton was wonderfully creepy as the psycho trucker.

What Did Not Work?

A huge issue that I had was that Carly and Boyd’s robbery scheme never made sense to me.  Instead of just robbing Helen when she first stopped to pick up Carly, Boyd instead followed behind Helen and Carly while they drove down the icy road.  If you’re going to rob a random driver, it seems like it would make more sense to just do it and make a run for it instead of dragging it all out.

Another issue that I had was with the idea that anyone, in the year 2022, would actually pick up a hitchhiker, especially someone like Helen who had reason to not trust people in general.  I get that the weather was bad but still, it seems like a stretch that Helen would give Carly a ride, arrange for Carly to spend the night in a motel with Helen and her daughter, and then leave Carly — a total stranger — alone with the $500 that Helen could not afford to lose. 

You always have to be willing to suspend your disbelief when it comes to Lifetime films, that’s usually a part of the fun.  This film just asked you to suspend it even more than usual.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I am a fairly compassionate person and I do believe in helping those in need but there’s no way in Hell that I would ever pick up a hitchhiker, regardless of how bad the weather conditions are.  If I see a person stranded on the side of the road, I might feel bad for them but I’m still not going to let them get in my car.  I might encourage someone driving behind me to pick them up but I’ve seen too many horror films to make that mistake myself.  So, I couldn’t relate to that part of the film.

However, I also don’t drive well in cold weather.  When Helen ran her car off the icy road and nearly ran over Carly, I could totally relate to that.

Lessons Learned

Don’t pick up hitchhikers and by nice to truck drivers!

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #223: Black Eagle (dir by Eric Karson)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the 1988 “action” film, Black Eagle!

Why Was I Watching It?

Last night, I watched Black Eagle as a part of the Monday Action Movie live tweet.  Going into the film, I knew that it starred Sho Kosugi and Jean-Claude Van Damme and that was enough for me.  As the film started, I was happy to see that it took place in Malta.  I spent the summer after I graduated from high school in Europe and I spent a few days visiting Malta, its museums, and especially its beaches.  I have good memories of the Malta days and especially the Malta nights.

What Was It About?

I’m not really sure what the film was about.  I watched all 100 minutes of it and, as far as I could tell, an American airplane crashed off the coast of Malta so the CIA brought in Ken Tani (Sho Kosugi) to dive into the sea and retrieve something important from the plane.  However, a Russian named Andrei (Jean-Claude Van Damme) also wanted whatever it was that was on the plane so he and his people ended up chasing Ken all over Malta, an island that I have visited.

Ken was also on vacation so, when he wasn’t killing people, he was hanging out with his two sons, Brian (Kane Kosugi) and Denny (Shane Kosugi).  The CIA helpfully sent along one of their agents, Patricia Parker (Doran Clark), and she acted a sort of nanny while Ken was busy fighting the Russians.  Also helping Ken was a Jesuit (Bruce French) who also happened to be an explosive expert.  I don’t think the Vatican would approve of a priest blowing up boats and building but everyone knows better than to argue with a Jesuit.

What Worked?

Jean-Claude Van Damme didn’t really do much in this movie but he still looked good and he got to do the splits a few times.  In fact, it was kind of funny to watch him actively search out any possible excuse to do a split.  I had a lot of fun imagining that Andrei only became an international spy so that he could show off his gymnastic abilities.  It’s too bad he missed out on Gymkata.

The Maltese scenery was lovely, even if the film itself was a bit grainy.  Have I mentioned that I’ve been to Malta?

What Did Not Work?

Oh, that Sho Kosugi.  He was great when he was fighting people and tossing them off of buildings but whenever he had to actually deliver dialogue and try to show emotion …. AGCK!  There’s a reason why Sho Kosugi’s most popular American films — Enter the Ninja, Ninja III: The Domination — feature him playing a villain.  Even when Kosugi was acting opposite his children, he seemed to be in a fairly bad mood.

At one point, Ken asked the priest how he became an expert in demolitions.  “Ever hear of a place called Vietnam,” the Jesuit replied and I groaned as I realized that Ken had made one of the biggest mistakes of his life.  If there’s one thing that I understand as a result of being raised Catholic, it’s that you never ask a Jesuit for his origin story unless you’ve got a few hours to kill.

To be honest, the film could have used even more scenes about Malta, a lovely place of which I have many good memories.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I’ve been to Malta.

Lessons Learned

Definitely go to Malta if you get a chance.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #222: Banzai Runner (dir by John G. Thomas)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the 1987 film, Banzai Runner!

Why Was I Watching It?

Last night, it was my turn to host the #MondayActionMovie live tweet!  The loyal members of MAM trusted me to find an exciting, action-filled movie with which they could start their week.  I failed.

What Was It About?

Listen, it’s not totally my fault.  I checked with the IMDb.  I checked Wikipedia.  I read the film’s description on YouTube.  They all said that the film starred Dean Stockwell as a cop who goes undercover to bring down a group of wealthy street racers.

And technically, that is what the film’s about but only at the very end.  Before we get around to any of that fun stuff, the film is basically just Highway Patrolman Billy Baxter (Dean Stockwell) driving around the desert and trying to keep his dumbass nephew, Beck (John Shepard), from getting into trouble.  How big of a dumbass is Beck?  He’s so dumb that he lights up a joint while he’s driving and while his uncle — the policeman — is sitting right next to him.  Needless to say, Billy gets upset about that.  (The scene is amusing if — and only if — you know that Dean Stockwell was one of Hollywood’s most prominent hippies.)

Eventually, Billy and Beck do go undercover to take out Syszek (Billy Drago), a wealthy drug dealer who likes to street race but who also does to much cocaine.  In a coincidence that comes out of nowhere, it turns out that Syszek is responsible for the death of Billy’s brother and Beck’s father.  Neither Billy nor Beck really seem to be too upset about it, though.

What Didn’t Work?
(Usually I like to start with what did work but I’m making an exception here.)

It’s an 84 minute film (not counting the end credits).  It takes 60 minutes for Billy to go undercover.  It takes another 5 minutes or so for Billy to actually meet Syszek.  The only reason that anyone is going be watching this film is because they want to see Dean Stockwell and Billy Drago race against each other but that part of the film doesn’t even kick in until the movie is nearly over!  Instead, we get an hour of Billy aimlessly doing his job and Beck complaining about his uncle being too strict.  It’s very slow and dull.

Dean Stockwell was a good actor who gave some wonderfully eccentric performances in his adult years but he’s miscast as Billy.  John Shepherd played Tommy in Friday the 13th: A New Beginning and I’ve always preferred Shepherd’s interpretation of the character over Thom Matthews’s performance in Jason Lives.  Shepherd had an appealing vulnerability in A New Beginning but none of that is present in Banzai Runners.  It doesn’t help that the script portrays Beck as being a combination of every bad boyfriend I had from the sixth grade through my senior year of high school.

What Worked?

I’m a Southern girl and I’m also enough of a country girl that I do have a weakness for fast cars and the people who drive them.  So, I could appreciate the film on that level.  The car chases were fun, I just wish that there had been more of them.  All of those scenes of Billy worrying about paying his mortgage (and yes, that was a huge subplot during the first hour of the film) should have been edited out and replaced with scenes from The Wraith.  Or maybe just the Shangri-Las singing Leader of the Pack.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

There’s a scene where the rich daughter of one of the racers announce that she’ll remove a piece of clothing for every mile that Beck goes over 55.  On the one hand, it’s a scene that feels like it was lifted from a Crown International cheerleader film.  On the other hand …. well, like I said, I had a weakness for bad boys who drove fast cars.  So, even in this rather bland film, I still found someone to whom I could relate.  Yay!

Lessons Learned

Never assume that a movie is exciting just because of its name.