What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: The Babysitter’s Seduction (dir. by David Burton Morris)

Posted on June 2, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I was feeling sad so I went to the handy DVR and I watched a movie that I recorded off of the Lifetime Movie Network on Memorial Day — the unacknowledged classic piece of Americana, The Babysitter’s Seduction!

Why Was I Watching It?

Oh. My. God! How could I not watch it? This apparently first came out way back in 1996 but it shows up on the Lifetime Movie Network like every six months or so and I make it a point to either watch it or at least DVR it every time it’s scheduled because seriously, this is like my favorite Lifetime movie of all time!

What’s It About?

Oh my God…okay, check this one out. So Kerri Russell is like this babysitter and she’s been hired to watch over the children of Stephen Collins who is the multimillionaire with a beautiful home and a wife who has had so many facelifts that her face just looks like wax. Kerri’s in high school here and she has a boyfriend who looks like he’s about 30 because he’s got a receding hairline and a big old widow’s peak but he’s still in high school too. Uhmm…remedial much?

So, anyway, one day, Kerri takes the kids out to the public pool and then she realizes that she left something behind at the house so she goes back and, oh my God!, Stephen Collins’s wife is lying dead on the kitchen floor with a gun in her hand. Is it suicide? Well, that’s what a police inspector played by Tobin Bell has to figure out. Turns out that Tobin is also best buddies with Stephen but he’s still got to do his job because it quickly becomes obvious that Mrs. Stephen Collins didn’t actually commit suicide. It all has to do with powder residue and a whole lot of other CSI-type stuff.

Anyway, it’s kinda obvious that Stephen Collins killed his wife but nobody notices because they’re too busy gossiping about how he’s now secretly sleeping with the babysitter. Kerri Russell tells everyone that she’s in love with Stephen Collins but little does she realize that Stephen Collins is busy trying to frame her for his wife’s murder.

Anyway, eventually the center cannot hold and things falls apart…

What Worked?

Okay, so basically, here we have a film where the Rev. Camden frames Felicity for murder and it’s up to the Jigsaw Killer to find the truth. That right there is what we call a harmonic convergence of pop culture. This film needs to be seen for this reason, if nothing else.

Also, the Babysitter’s Seduction is one of those films that succeeds by taking its formula to the most logical extreme and then taking another step or two forward. Hence, not only is the babysitter seduced but she’s just about brainwashed. Not only is Stephen Collins evil but, as the film reaches it conclusion, we come to realize that he’s actually the equivalent of that evil mayor from the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean, seriously — there’s nothing this guy can’t do! How, where, and when did he learn to be so evil!?

Finally, this is another one of those movies where nobody delivers a line without taking a dramatic pause in the middle of the sentence. For instance, the dead wife’s secret love introduced himself by saying, “I’m Paul Richards….I. Was. Sally’s. Lover.” Now, I have to admit that I’ve often been told that I have a tendency to 1) talk too much and 2) talk too fast and, as a result, sometimes it’s difficult to follow my train of thought. And to those who say that, I say, “Fuck you.” But anyways, after witnessing all of the dramatic pauses in this film and seeing how they helped to turn a 30-minute sitcom into a 2-hour movie, I am now much more open to the idea of adding. Pointless. Pauses. To. Everything. I. Say. From. Now. On.

Also, this film demonstrates how — if you’re in a pinch and you don’t have anything else — panties can be a handy substitute for handcuffs. So, if your boyfriend can’t quite figure out how to pull that particular quirk off, this movie serves as a nice training film for him and as 2 hours of Lifetime goodness for you.

What Didn’t Work?

Obviously, if the babysitter wasn’t an idiot then there wouldn’t be a film. But seriously, this babysitter was really an idiot. Okay — since I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea from this movie, I’ll just go ahead and say it — if the wife of your employer shows up on the kitchen floor with a bullet in her head, do not respond by having sex with your employer. It’s just not going to look good.

There’s also a scene where Kerri Russell’s bra changes color from shot to shot. Seriously, that’s just carelessness.

“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments

You know, I always wanted to babysit but I never got too. My older sisters all got to babysit me at one time or another but one of the drawbacks of being the baby of the family is that there was no one younger than me for me to watch. Then again, being the baby also meant that I got spoiled rotten so I can’t complain too much.

However, there was one moment I could really relate too and that was when Kerri Russell told her concerned mother, “I don’t have an attitude…you do!” I used to say that all the time! The key to delivering the line — which Kerri nails, by the way — is to wait three beats before raising up your chin half an inch, looking down the slope of your nose and saying, “…you do.” Ha! In your face, judgmental authority figure!

Also, despite never getting to be a babysitter, I did once secretly have an older lover who murdered his wife but shhhh…don’t tell anyone.

Lessons Learned

If you’re employer kills his wife, wait a few months before having sex with him. Otherwise, it just looks bad.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: South Park Episode 15.02 FunnyBot

Posted on May 6, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest episode of South Park, Funnybot.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it’s South Park, of course!

What Was It About?

Aspiring stand-up comedian Jimmy Vulmer puts together the first annual Comedy Awards show at South Park Elementary. Only Tyler Perry shows up to accept his award and only Token Black seems to be happy to see him. Once he’s arrived, Perry refuses to leave and instead spends his time wandering around the school, dressed up like Madea and saying, “Oh Lord!” Soon, every student except for Token is sick of him and demanding that Perry go away. However, Token — who has apparently been hypnotized by Perry — finds himself incapable of not giving Perry money to stick around.

However, there’s an even bigger problem than Tyler Perry. During the Comedy Awards Ceremony, the Germans are named the least funny people on the planet. The Germans react by creating Funnybot, a robot with a very methodical, rather German approach to humor. Soon Funnybot is the biggest, most popular stand-up comedian on the planet even though his jokes are simply a mad lib-style of random pop cultural references mixed in with a few standard situations. However, the world loves Funnybot and they continue to love him even after he starts to violently murder everyone who comes to see his shows.

After all of South Park Elementary is taken hostage by the comedians that have been put out of work by Funnybot. Kyle, Cartman, and Stan try to talk some sense into Funnybot. Funnybot responds by explaining that he’s going to destroy the world.

And, as the world awaits destruction, Barack Obama watches a Tyler Perry movie…

What Worked?

I’ll be honest. I love South Park so, as far as I was concerned, the whole show worked. Funnybot was a great creation and, according to my friend Jeff, Funnybot was a reference to Dr. Who and that made Jeff happy which was pretty cool. I’ve seen a few people online who are complaining that it wouldn’t make any sense for Funnybot to remain a popular comedian even after he starts killing people but those people are obviously not true fans of South Park. A true fan of South Park would know that South Park always presents the entire population of the world as a bunch of sheep who are incapable of thinking for themselves.

Plus, this show did what South Park does best in that it bluntly acknowledged an inconvenient truth — i.e., that white people just do not get Tyler Perry and that many of us find watching his “style” of comedy can be a very awkward experience. As well — and this is something that seems to have gone over the heads of a lot of people who watched this show — South Park’s Tyler Perry is essentially portrayed as being the human equivalent of the Funnybot. Just as Token is shown to be incapable of resisting Perry, all the other (white) characters are incapable of resisting Funnybot.

(I am going to say one thing in his defence: the year that Precious was nominated for best picture, Perry was one of the presenters at the Academy Awards and he actually came across as endearingly nervous and almost likable. Or, at least, he did to me.)

Finally, on a purely silly level, I loved the way that Jimmy responded to every problem by saying, “But I think we can all agree that the 1st Annual Comedy Awards was a great success.” It just made me laugh.

What Didn’t Work?

Hmmm…well, as funny as the idea of a bunch of stand-up comedians taking an elementary school hostage is, I kinda wish that Trey Parker and Matt Stone had done more with it. That said, I love Matt and Trey and I hope they win all sorts of Tony Awards for The Book of Mormon.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moment

Much like Funnybot, I find that going “Awkward!” in a cute little voice is the perfect way to make an unfunny joke funny.

Lessons Learned:

Logic is a hideous bitch goddess.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Haunting of Sorority Row (dir by Bert Kish)

Posted on April 9, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Friday night, after we saw the movie Hanna, a friend Jeff and I returned back to my house and retreated to my bedroom where he eventually fell asleep and I tried to sleep. Insomnia, however, won out and I ended up watching a Lifetime horror movie called The Haunting on Sorority Row.

Why Was I Watching It?

I couldn’t get to sleep. Poor me. So, I turned on the TV, checked out what was on the DVR, and as soon as I saw The Haunting of Sorority Row, I knew what I had to do. Somehow, I forgot that, regardless of how low I turned down the sound the last time I was watching it, whenever I turn on my TV, the volume is always reset to full blast. So, as soon as I hit play, the TV literally thundered to life and woke up not only Jeff but probably the rest of the neighborhood as well.

As I frantically turned down the volume, Jeff sat up in bed and asked, “What’s this?”

“It’s a movie,” I said, “Sorry, I couldn’t sleep.”

“I bet it’s a horror film,” he said.

“Yeah,” I nodded. Then I looked over my shoulder, gave him my wicked little smile (well, I like to think of it as being my wicked little smile), and I added, “It’s a Lifetime horror film.”

“Oh,” he replied, sounding much less enthusiastic.

Anyway, The Haunting of Sorority Row put him back to sleep in about five minutes. Me, I still haven’t slept which is why I’m still sitting here in my beloved Pirates t-shirt while Jeff peacefully sleeps behind me. Maybe after I finish writing this, I’ll give sleep another chance.

What’s The Movie About?

It’s about a haunting on sorority row. More specifically, it’s about a really angry ghost who is determined to kill the four sorority sisters who are hiding a secret. Their ringleader is Leslie who is played by an actress named Lisa Marie Caruk. And that’s a great name. Anyway, Blair Waldorf herself, Leighton Meester, is also pledging this haunted sorority and she is determined to set things right.

What Worked?

Oh, this is a Lifetime Movie so everything worked. I mean, you know what you’re getting with Lifetime and part of the reason why we love Lifetime movies is because they’re all exactly the same. The perfect Lifetime Movie is the epitome of a stupid movie that can be best enjoyed by intelligent women with a healthy sense of the absurd. I’d like to think that I qualify on all three of those.

That said, there were a few things that worked even if you decided to ignore the fact that they were found in a Lifetime film. Not surprisingly, the nearly-all female cast was a lot more likable and their roles were a bit more developed than you’d expect to find in a horror film. Leighton Meester is probably one of the most underrated actresses working right now and she does a great job playing the film’s “final girl” while Lisa Marie Caruk has a lot of fun playing the bullying head of the Sorority.

Another thing that worked here was the great pleasure that I got out of imagining how many of you guys rented this film thinking it was a typical, Dead Women In Lingerie Slasher Film just to discover that it was instead a Lifetime movie.

What Didn’t Work?

This film works pretty well as a Lifetime movie but it totally sucks as a horror film. A lot of this is due to the fact that this is a TV movie which pretty much means that it can’t really show anything that would scare us.

As often happens in Lifetime movies, the main character’s boyfriend is a eunuch. In this one, we’re asked to believe that an 18 year-old boy would refuse to have premarital sex with Leighton Meester. Yeah, right. Because boys have so much self-control…

Finally, this is another one of those films that suffers from having a final twist that’s so obvious that most viewers will figure it out before the movie even begins. Yes, it’s that obvious.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

There’s a scene in which one of the unfortunately sorority sisters ends up getting trapped in the shower and scalded to death by hot water. This is scene vaguely disturbed me because 1) I’m claustrophobic, 2) I have a fear of scalding water, and 3) I’ve actually managed to get trapped in a shower before and I had to scream and scream until someone heard me, ran into the bathroom, and told me that I needed to pull (as opposed to pushing) the shower door in order to open it. Of course, my hands and arms were too busy trying to cover up me for me to take his advice on the door. So, I said. “Thank you. sir,” and then waited until he left.

Otherwise, it was hard for me to relate to this film because I never pledged nor did I ever want to pledge a sorority in college. I was actually invited to do so by one of them but, at the time, I said, “No, that’s way too bourgeois for me.”

“Bourgeois?” she replied, confused.

Lessons Learned

I definitely did the right thing by never joining a sorority.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Basement Jack (dir. by Michael Shelton)

Posted on April 3, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

There’s several very good films that I need to review over the next few days but, at the moment, I really need to write about Basement Jack, a low-budget 2009 slasher film that I watched on Chiller. Why do I need to write about Basement Jack? Well, I’m already hesitant to go to sleep because I know I’m going to have nightmares about this film. So, consider this to be my attempt at a quickie exorcism. Indulge me because I need to get this film out of my system.

Why Was I Watching This:

I love horror movies and, even though they always seem to end up giving me nightmares, these old school slasher films are like catnip to me. I can’t resist watching them, if just to see if they can keep the inherently predictable conventions of genre interesting.

What’s The Movie About:

Basement Jack (Eric Peter Kaiser) is a serial killer because when you’ve got a name like Basement Jack, it’s not like you’re going to become an accountant. Anyway, Jack’s thing is that he goes from town-to-town, selects a family to kill, and then secretly moves into their basement until there’s a thunder-storm. Once it starts raining, Jack proceeds to brutally kill the family.

Karen (Michelle Marrow) is only person to have ever survived being attacked by Jack. Now, Jack is obsessed with Karen and follows her from town to town. So, Karen decides to turn the tables and she starts following Jack. Except, of course, Jack was already following her so it would seem like for her to follow him, all she would really have to do would be turn around. But anyway, I guess the important thing is that Karen-and-Jack have one of those hunter/hunted connections.

Jack and Karen both end up in a new small town where Jack sets off on another murder spree while Karen hunts for him. She does this by teaming up with a seriously incompetent cop named Chris (Sam Skoryna). Unfortunately, all of Chris’s fellow officers are 1) convinced that Karen is the murderer and 2) kinda stupid. Will Karen be able to convince the cops that Jack is real? Will Jack continually manage to stand back up after taking more damage than anyone should, realistically, be able to take? And most importantly, will Lisa be able to sleep tonight?

What Worked?

Oh my God, this film should not have disturbed me as much as it did. Seriously, I’ve seen thousands of horror movies that all had better production values, better gore effects, and better acting. And yet, Basement Jack really made me paranoid. I think that’s because director Shelton does manage to create a legitimate feeling of dread that saturates every ludicrous frame of this movie. There is remarkably little humor in this film and, as opposed to a lot of slasher films, all of the victims here just come across as normal, likable people (as opposed to being slasher movie stereotypes).

Kaiser is a genuinely scary killer and Morrow makes for a sympathetic protagonist. She brings a lot of conviction to her role. Exploitation vet Lynn Lowry (remember her from the original Crazies and I Drink Your Blood?) plays Basement Jack’s domineering mother and wow, she is scary.

Now, I’m going to admit there’s one image in this film that I know is going to give me nightmares tonight. It’s of a policewoman who, after being gutted by Jack, is seen lying on the floor, trying to stuff her intestines back into her body and oh my God, I wish I hadn’t seen that because it really got to me. I’ve read several other reviews that have all criticized the CGI gore effects as looking fake. Maybe they do, I’m not really an expert on anatomy. All I know is that image of those intestines sprouting out across a twitching body; that image is trapped in my head. It’s something that I truly wish I hadn’t seen but I still have to list it as something that worked because film horror is supposed to leave the viewer uncomfortable.

What Didn’t Work:

Oh, trust me, a lot didn’t work. Like most slasher films, this one was riddled with a combination of plot holes and characters just acting as stupid as can be.

As our male lead, Sam Skoryna displayed all the charisma of a spilled intestine and, to be honest, most of the other actors gave performances that were fairly atrocious. For some reason, one of the film’s detectives is played by musician Billy Morrison and his English accent is just so jarringly out-of-place in the film’s middle American setting. (What makes the situation especially odd is that no one in the film ever comments on his accent. Trust me — I live in middle America. Hell, I’ll be really pretentious — I mean like Sasha Stone pretentious — and say that I am Middle America. No, actually, forget I said that. That sounds really stupid. Anyway, my point is that if you’re the only Englishman in town, people are going to remind you of that every chance they get.)

An attempt was made to give Basement Jack some backstory and to explain why he does what he does. And by that, I mean that this is one of those movies where the action comes to a sudden halt every few minutes juts so we can be told that a man,who hides in people’s basements and only kills when it’s raining, is mentally ill. Gee, filmmakers, thanks for clearing that up.

And finally (SPOILER!), I am so sick of seeing slasher movies that end with a close-up of the killer’s signature killing tool just so we can suddenly see the killer’s hand come out of nowhere and grab the weapon. I mean, is anyone ever surprised by this anymore? I guess, at one time, this seemed like a twist ending but today, it just comes across as being lazy. (END OF SPOILER!)

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments:

Just like our heroine Karen, I usually try to flirt my way out of traffic tickets as well.

Lessons Learned:

It doesn’t take much to give me nightmares.

12 Months Down

Posted on April 3, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi! So, guess what today is? *sigh* Yes, smartass, it is Sunday but that’s not what I was looking for. *shaking head*

It’s my anniversary! That’s right — one year ago today, I posted my first review on this site and twelve months and 243 posts later, I have yet to shut up.

So, I was wondering — what should I do to observe this occasion? Well, I guess I could so what most people would do and not make a big deal out of it but — well, I’m incapable of not making a big deal out of stuff. Briefly, I considered posting a nude picture as my way of saying thank you but who wants to see that, right? So, as I woke up this morning from my usual 2 hours of sleep, I asked myself, “Lisa, what are you going to do?”

Well, for the most part, I’ve observed the occasion by being kinda lazy. Seriously, I’ve spent today in my beloved Hello Kitty robe (pictured above, it’s so comfy!), curled up on my couch with my feet tucked underneath me. I’ve been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Chiller.

Of course, to be honest, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer always makes me want to go out and like start kicking people out of the hope that they’ll turn out to be vampire or a demon or a Riley. And since, I’m just a teensy bit more klutzy than Buffy and Faith, that show has indirectly been responsible for a lot of sprained ankles.

Anyway, I’ve decided to observe my anniversary by doing two things. First off, I’ve read through my 243 previous posts and I’ve selected ten that I think pretty much tell you all you need to know about both who I am and my own taste in film. And here they are:

1) Film Review: Welcome Home Brother Charles (dir. by Jaama Fanaka) (posted on April 4th, 2010) — My first ever review

2) 10 Reasons Why I Hated Avatar (posted on April 21st, 2010) — In which I explain why I’m right and everyone else is wrong.

3) Too Sordid To Ever Be Corrupted (posted on August 1st, 2010) — My manifesto in which I explain why I love the grindhouse.

4) Titanic: In Retrospect (posted on October 6th, 2010) — In which I discover whether or not Titanic is still as good as I thought it was when I was 12.

5) Review: Black Swan (dir. by Darren Aronofsky) (posted on December 9th, 2010) — Out of all the reviews I’ve written so far, this is my personal favorite.

6) Do Critics Matter? (posted on December 9th, 2010) — In which I attack the critical establishment

7) What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Perfect Teacher (posted on December 27th, 2010) — In which I reveal that I’m obsessed with Lifetime movies

8 ) If Lisa Marie Determined The Oscar Nominees (posted on January 22nd, 2010) — In which I come up with a much more interesting ballot than the Academy.

9) Lisa Marie’s Latest You Tube Obessesion (posted on January 27th, 2010) — In which I prove once again that I have silly obsessions

10) Lisa Marie Takes a Sucker Punch (dir. by Zack Snyder) (posted on March 27th, 2011) — In which I defend the most unfairly maligned movie of 2011.

And secondly, as I think I’ve made clear here, I love trailers. Quite often, I’d rather watch the trailer than the film itself. So, here’s the trailer for a film that, at the suggestion of the Trash Film Guru, I will be watching and reviewing at some point in the near future — Birdemic: Shock and Terror.

Enjoy!

And, on that note, let me just extend my sincere thanks to everyone who has read anything I’ve written over the past year. I’m especially thankful to those of you who have taken the time to comment and let me know your opinion (except for Vermont Fran and Outraged Bob, who were kinda humorless and boring about it). I’ve had a wonderful time this year, sharing and interacting and here’s hoping that this next year will be even better!

Love ya!

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Survivor: Redemption Island (Episode 1)

Posted on February 17, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the first episode of Survivor: Redemption Island.

Why Was I Watching It?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — I love reality television and Survivor pretty much set the bar for the entire genre. Yes, yes, I know. Everyone wants to spend a few hours talking about how terrible reality television is and how they deserve all sorts of cookies because they don’t watch it. Well, you know what? Have fun patting yourself on the back. I’ll be watching Survivor.

What’s It About?

A group of sixteen strangers are stranded on a beach in Nicaragua where they compete for prizes and scheme against each other until there’s only one survivor left standing. As in previous seasons, all of this is hosted by Jeff Probst who, with each season, makes less and less effort to hide the utter contempt that he feels for most of the survivors. Probst still spends too much time trying to show off his dimples but you can’t help but love the man.

This season, there are big two twists, neither one of which is a real twist because they’ve both been done in previous seasons. The big twist is that whenever a survivor is voted off the island, they’re sent to Redemption Island where they wait for the chance to reenter the game at a later date.

The other twist — and this is the one that people actually care about — is that two of the most iconic “villains” in Survivor history are back this season. “Boston” Rob Mariano and Russell Hantz are both back and playing once again. On last night’s episode, the 16 new players were divided into two tribes. As usual, the two tribes were given names based on some obscure piece of historical trivia but for the sake of simplicity, we’ll just call them Team Rob and Team Russell.

What Worked:

I’ll admit that when I first heard that Russell and Rob were coning back, I wasn’t exactly enthused about the idea. I love Rob and always have but I’ve just about reached my limit as far as Russell is concerned. During his first season, Russell was my favorite because he was just so blatantly villainous and he never wasted any time with all of that silly talk of “playing the game with honor” that so many other survivors have tried to sell in the past. Plus, he was funny. However, about halfway through the Heroes Vs. Villains season, I started to get tired of Russell. Unlike Rob who is always thinking and competing, Russell seemed to be a one trick pony.

Well, I’m sorry to say that Russell hasn’t changed but since everyone on Team Russell seems to have seen his previous seasons, it doesn’t seem likely that Russell’s going to get that far in the game and if he does, I can’t wait to see how he managed to pull off the impossible.

Plus, Russell wasn’t really in much of this episode. This episode was all Rob and I love Rob.

And then there’s Philip.

Philip is on Team Rob. He’s a tall, outspoken, bald man who happens to also be a former federal agent. I know this because he mentioned that fact a few thousand times. He also spent way too much time this episode wandering around in these saggy fuchsia briefs. Seriously, if you’re going to be on Survivor then you know you’re going to be filmed in your underwear at some point. So, seriously, give some thought to what you’re wearing underneath, okay? Me, if I’m ever on Survivor, I’m going to go on a shopping spree at Victoria’s Secret the week before I leave for the beach. Immunity Idol? Who needs an Immunity Idol when you’ve got the right bra? Seriously.

But, anyway, back to Philip. Philip is one of those priceless survivors who you hate but you hope they’re around for a really long time. Seriously, he’s so self-righteous and so full of himself and so stupid and so unaware that he makes for great reality television.

During last night’s episode, Philip “entered” into an alliance with Francesca and Kristine. Kristine had found the immunity idol (I get the feeling that nobody on the Survivor production team making much of an effort to hide them anymore) and the three of them attempted to execute a power move by voting out Rob. However, this plan fell apart at tribal council when Philip, for some reason, ended up explaining the entire plot along with mentioning that Kristine had the immunity idol. End result: Francesca was voted out. It was a classic Survivor moment, a perfect reminder of why I love this show. It’s just so shameless.

What Didn’t Work:

I’m not a huge fan of the whole idea of Redemption Island. The whole idea of a someone getting voted off the island just to get to come back later on in the game has been done before on Survivor and it didn’t work out well. The someone in question was a middle-aged woman named Lil who went through the entire game wearing a Scoutmaster’s uniform. Lil was voted off early, came back late, and nearly won simply because she hadn’t been around for the previous few weeks. It felt unfair at the time.

However, there is a huge difference in that this season, everyone knows about “the twist” whereas previously, it really was a complete surprise on everyone. Whether that’ll make a difference has yet to be seen.

Of course, it’s also rare that any of the new gimmicks on Survivor ever really make that much of a difference in the overall game. Remember Exile Island? Even more importantly, can you remember the last time that an immunity idol actually made a huge difference in the final outcome of the season? As opposed to the producers of Big Brother (who really seem to think that the audience is really into each season’s new twist), the people behind Survivor appear to understand that the main reason we watch is to see how much weight everyone loses while scheming against each other.

“Oh My God! Just like Me!” Moments

There’s always quite a few of these whenever I watch any episode of Survivor because, like a lot of reality TV fans, I tend to place myself in each episode and debate what I would have done. And while we always like to tell ourselves that we would have done the complete opposite of whatever foolishness we’ve just witnessed, we all know better. Whenever I watch this show and I see someone totally failing in a physical competition, accidentally blabbing on until everyone votes for her just to make her shut up, or have a meltdown on-screen, I know that I’m seeing what would happen if I ever actually made it onto Survivor. That’s also the same feeling that I get whenever I see some poor girl go through several episodes with a mass of pixels over either her boobs or her ass. I’ve sat there and shouted, “That would so be me!”

(Actually, I don’t do that as often ever since I was watching an episode over at my sister Melissa’s place and she said, “That already is you, Lisa Marie.”)

Anyway, on last night’s episode, I found myself hiding my face in shame as Francesca, Kristina, and Philip basically gave away their entire strategy during tribal council, announcing how they were planning to vote out Rob before anyone had actually voted and while Rob was sitting less than a foot away. That’s a perfect example of one of those moments that make us shout, “You idiots!” even though we know we’d probably make the exact same mistake.

Also, it was clear that most of Team Rob was crushing on Rob and I don’t blame them because you know what? Rob Marciano is hot! The new gray in his hair just serves to make him even hotter.

(Guys are so lucky in that regard. I thought I found a gray hair a few days ago and I ripped it out of my head and oh my God, it hurt! And then it turned out it wasn’t even gray, it was just a lighter shade of red and the light was hitting it in an awkward way.)

By the way, here’s my strategy of how I’ll win if I’m ever on Survivor: Boobs, boobs, and more boobs. Like, the whole way to tribal council, I would be the one going, “Do you really want to vote these out?” I would also probably try to fly under the radar, be everyone’s friend, and flirt a lot with all the males. Of course, once we merged, then it would be time to go all girl power and start voting them out one-by-one. But, for the most part, my strategy would come down to: boobs, boobs, boobs.

Lessons Learned:

Be wary of former federal agents in fuchsia briefs.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Bachelor 15

Posted on January 4, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yes, I hear the sound of everyone starting to protest and rest assured, I’m not planning on using my space here to start blogging about The Bachelor (though I guess I could if I ever like got really pissed off at men in general…) It just happens that The Bachelor is what I watched last night and it featured a vampire.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because, God help me, I love it so. Everyone has at least one irrational love. I love crappy reality TV, especially if it gives me an excuse to get all catty and show my claws. Meow!

What’s It About?

Since this was the 1st episode of the new season, we met our new bachelor and discovered that he’s an old bachelor — it’s the return of Brad Womack! For those of you who don’t follow these things (and I assume that’s everyone involved with this site except for me), Brad was the Bachelor a few seasons ago. He’s the one who, after he picked his bride, then dumped her on national TV and decided he wanted to marry the girl who came in second. Then he dumped that girl too.

Anyway, Brad’s been in therapy for 3 years and in this episode, he explains that this all happened because he didn’t have a good relationship with his Dad, therefore establishing himself firmly as yet another little boy with daddy issues. (Pardon me while I gag.)

Once Brad’s got that all cleared up, he meets the poor girls who are competing to be his wife and he basically spends the majority of the episode saying, “I just want another chance because I have daddy issues.” You got another chance, you toadsucker. Shut up about your freaking childhood! Fortunately, there’s hope on the horizon because of a vampire named Madison.

What Worked?

First off, everyone spent a lot of time — and I mean A LOT OF TIME — trash-talkin’ Brad. I mean, everyone! The girls, the show’s host, and finally even Brad himself, all they could talk about was how much of a loser the guy is. And you know what? He is. Which is why it’s going to be fun to watch him basically put himself through Hell all over again.

Plus, the girl with fangs got a rose and I imagine that’s probably because the show’s producers thought she’d be good for ratings but who cares? She’s got fangs!

What Didn’t Work?

Well, the show is like sooooo totally shallow and reality TV is just the devil’s programming and it’s all evidence of how stupid people are and blah blah blah blah. Just insert your own boring, anti-reality television diatribe in here. And then pat yourself on the back because, yeah, you’re really like the first person who has ever said any of that crap. I mean, obviously, you’re a freaking genius. Good job, you elitist toadsucker.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment

Not that long ago, I used to dress in all black and wear a studded choker. I also renamed myself Pandora DeSaad and wrote poetry about slitting my wrists and watching the blood circle down the drain of the sink. That got kinda tedious after a while and I moved on. Still, even if I hadn’t, I would still hope that I would be allowed to appear on the Bachelor.

Lessons Learned:

None. There were no lessons to be learned from this. The show was pure trash with no redeeming value. That was kind of the point.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: What Did I Do Last Night?

Posted on January 2, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

No, What Did I Do Last Night? is not the latest Lifetime movie, despite the title. (What Did I Do Last Night?: The Lisa Marie Bowman Story — I like the sound of that….) What Did I Do Last Night? is a 30-minute “reality” show that currently airs on the Current TV Network. Check your local listings.

Why Was I Watching It?

Originally, I had turned over to Current TV to watch Al Pacino in Scarface. What Did I Do Last Night? came on immediately after Scarface and, as often happens with my late night television habits, I was just too lazy to change the station.

What’s It About?

Apparently, over the course of each episode, the show’s smug host (Jeff Leach) gets a different English person drunk and then films them acting like a complete jackass. The next day, he shows the footage to his hungover victim and scares them sober. Or something like that.

This episode’s victim was a cheerful blonde named Rita who, once she got intoxicated, ended up climbing on top of a table at a bar. The next morning, Rita responded by saying that she was “disgusting” and then breaking down into tears. That’ll teach her to try to enjoy herself when she goes out.

What Worked?

Well, Rita did say she was going to try to reduce her drinking so technically, I guess you could say the whole show worked. Except, of course, that’s a load of crap because the show’s not about helping people. It’s about humiliating them while the viewing audience thinks, “I might be an unoriginal, boring, unimaginative toadsucker, but at least I don’t ever get that drunk.” And, taken from that perspective, the show again accomplished what it set out to do.

What Didn’t Work:

There’s a thin line between helping and victimizing and this show pretty much crossed that line from the beginning.

This show was a lot like Intervention in that it claims to help the addicted but only after they’ve managed to exploit that addiction for all that its worth. Of course, there is a big difference in that the Intervention film crew doesn’t actually shoot anyone up with heroin while this show actually gets people drunk so that the smug host can criticize them for it. The whole time that Rita was being shown stumbling around drunk, nobody ever asked if, under nontelevised circumstances, she usually drank quite as much alcohol as the show’s producers insisted on providing for her.

Plus, they pulled a very cruel trick on Rita early on in the show. While Rita is debating what to wear on her drunken night out, the show’s producers are heard encouraging her to wear a white dress with a low neckline and a very short skirt. What they didn’t tell Rita — but what they surely knew — was that her entire trip to the bar would be filmed with an infrared camera which would basically make that white dress transparent in a way that a non-white dress would not have been. Since the dress itself was practically skin-tight, Rita didn’t wear any underwear with the dress which means that, for the final 15 minutes of the show, she’s seen thoroughly shitfaced in a see-through dress with a huge amount of pixels over her crotch. And it’s impossible to maintain any sort of dignity when you’re climbing on top of a bar with a blurry twat.

I felt very bad for poor, exploited Rita. I hope somebody bought her a drink afer this show aired.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment

At one point, after the producers have gotten her drunk, Rita is shown falling down and then falling again as she attempts to stand back up. “Oh my God!” I shouted, “just like me!” What’s sad is that, for the most part, I rarely drink. Yet, I often fall.

Later on, as Rita was standing on a table and demanding, “Everybody look at me bum!”, my sister Erin said, “Oh my God, just like Lisa.” As much as I love my sister, I have to disagree. Obviously, not being English, I don’t use terms like “bum.”

Lessons Learned

Don’t wear white on reality television.

10 Things To Be Thankful For In 2010

Posted on November 21, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s the Thanksgiving season, that time when bloggers everywhere come up with lists of things that they are thankful for. Here’s just 10 of the many things that I’ve been thankful for in 2010.

1) The fifth season of Dexter

I have to be honest. I’ve been a fan of Dexter since the show’s 1st season but I wasn’t sure if the show would be able to survive after the fourth season ended with Rita (Julie Benz) dead in a bloody bathtub. However, season 5 has been a triumph. Yes, a little too much time has been devoted to the domestic troubles of LaGuerta and Batista (Lauren Velez and the always intriguing David Zayas) but Michael C. Hall (as Dexter) and Jennifer Carpenter (as Deb) have done some of their best work this season. Even better, this season has featured two brilliant performances from guest stars Peter Weller and, especially, Julia Stiles (who really deserves her own spin-off). Still, you have to wonder if any murder has ever actually been solved in Miami…

2) Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth Salander.

In three films — The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played With Fire, and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest, Rapace created one of the first truly iconic film characters of the 21st century and that’s an accomplishment that will stand regardless of any attempts by the Hollywood mainstream to steal her accomplishment through any unnecessary remakes.

3) Lost

As more time has passed, the more I’ve come to admit just how dissatisfied I was with how the creators of Lost decided to end their show. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that, for several years, I scheduled my life around when the next episode of Lost was going to air. I may not be thankful for a series finale that left way too many questions unanswered (why couldn’t children be born on the island? What was the sickness?) but even the final season featured some of the show’s best moments.

4) The Walking Dead

I’m not a huge fan of Frank Darabont (sorry, but The Shawshank Redemption sucks) but I’m happy to say that he didn’t fuck up The Walking Dead.

5) Kathryn Bigelow broke the glass ceiling.

I’m still not a huge fan of The Hurt Locker but I am definitely a fan of Kathryn Bigelow. As bad as this year’s Oscar ceremony was, it was worth watching just to see Bigelow become the first woman to ever win an Oscar for best director. In many ways, it almost felt like a fantasy come to life — not only did Bigelow win a historic victory but she did it by beating her ex, James Cameron (who, to judge from his films, has never met a woman to whom he wouldn’t condescend). The fact that she then gave one of the only genuine acceptance speeches of the entire ceremony was a wonderful bonus.

6) Blue Valentine was rated NC-17.

The upcoming film Blue Valentine (which I have yet to see) was reportedly given an NC-17 rating on account of scenes featuring Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams having sex. That the film would feature characters played Gosling and Williams having sex makes sense when you consider that the movie is specifically about their marriage. However, despite this, Blue Valentine was rated NC-17 while films like The Expendables, A Nightmare on Elm Street, the Saw films — in which thousands of people are graphically killed and tortured on-screen — are given an R rating as a matter of routine. If Blue Valentine had been about Ryan Gosling murdering Michelle Williams (as opposed to fucking her), the film probably would have an R rating and would be considered appropriate viewing in malls across America. I’m thankful for this rating because it serves as a reminder that it’s okay to show a woman being humiliated, tortured, or killed just as long as you don’t show her actually enjoying an orgasm.

7) Exit Through The Gift Shop

The rest of you mainstreamers can talk about how much you love the Social Network for the rest of eternity, if you want. Exit Through The Gift Shop is still the best movie of 2010.

8 ) Lisa Marie finally figured out how to work her DVR.

Yes, yes, I know. DVR has been around like forever and it’s all old news and I’m sure there’s something even better than DVR that everyone but me is raving about and using right now but — look, shut up, okay? Yes, I’ve had DVR forever but I just figured out how to actually make it work a few months ago. And I love it! Now, if I want to sit down in the living room at 3 in the morning and watch old episodes of Project Runway, there’s no way anyone can stop me.

9) Joseph Gordon-Levitt floating through a dream hallway in Inception

Inception was a film full of excellent set pieces and memorable images but whenever I think about the movie, I will always see Joseph Gordon-Levitt floating through that hallway in a suit and looking rather adorable as he does it.

10) Cthulhu on South Park

Well, of course.

That’s just ten things I’m thankful for and I didn’t even start to talk about Scott Caan on Hawaii 5-0, James Franco in 127 Hours, or movies like Fish Tank, Winter’s Bone, and Never Let Me Go. What are you thankful for? Leave a comment, let the world know. The best comment wins a renewed sense of peace and a happy new year. (Please note that this is not a legally binding document.)

Scenes I Love: South Park Makes Handjobs Fun Again

Posted on November 20, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I was first introduced to the Shake Weight by my friend Shaista (who, by the way, is not only really funny and smart but like totally and completely gorgeous too). At the time, I was telling her about how much I love the Broadview Security Commercial where A.J. attempts to break into a house while the homeowner goes, “A.J? A.J?” And while Shaista agreed with me that A.J. was indeed an enigmatic bad boy who played by his own set of rules, she still claimed that the Shake Weight commercial was far more memorable.

When I actually did see the Shake Weight commercial, I found myself staring dumbfounded at the screen. Finally, I think I managed to say, “Uhmm, don’t they realize that they all look like they’re…” Well, anyway — instead of me going into all the details, let’s just watch one of the commercials:

Well, yes…other than mentioning that my arms must have been in really great shape back in high school, what can I say about that? Luckily, I don’t have to say anything about that because last week, South Park said it for me. Here’s the actual “scene that I love,” the Shake Weight commercial from Creme Fraiche episode of South Park: