Stephen Quadros | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bike patrol’s stupidity and worthlessness puts everyone at risk. What are they thinking!?

Episode 2.5 “Point Blank”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on September 21st, 1996)

A report comes in about an armed robbery so TC and Chris speed off on their bicycles to catch the guy …. *snicker*

I’m sorry, I need a minute to stop laughing.

Anyway, TC gets knocked off of his bike by the robber, who proceeds to steal TC’s gun. Oh my God, TC’s such a dumbass! The real cops show up in their cars and Chris is all like, “Go get the robber while I tend to my fallen colleague and his totally rocking bicycle.” Seriously, Chris is kind of rude about it, frantically motioning at them to go after the robber. What else do you think they were going to do, Chris?

While TC searches for his gun, Chris discovers that someone has signed her up for a video dating service. Chris, who is always complaining about how she can’t get a date, complains about having too many dates. Then she complains that none of her dates work out, largely because of her whiny and abrasive personality.

Meanwhile, a little kid has lost his dog. Del Toro and Cory suspect that the pet has been kidnapped and sold to a research lab. They go from one sleazy kennel to another, searching for the dog. They take the kid with them and probably traumatize him for life. The good thing is that they save the dog and break up the dognapping ring. The bad thing is that their story and likable chemistry still has to share the screen with Chris whining and TC searching for his lost gun.

TC’s gun eventually lands in the hands of a bullied teenager who promptly threatens to shoot his bullies. But he changes his mind and instead give the gun back to TC. TC’s praises the kid for doing the right thing. To be honest, the kid threatened to kill three people. Haul him off to jail, TC! DO YOUR JOB, BICYCLE BOY!

I swear, this show….

Spastic Colon, an up-and-coming metal band, desperately needs a new guitarist, so much so that they allow a nerdy pizza boy named Martin (Stephen Quadros) to come in off the street and audition. Martin, with his thick glasses and his total lack of talent, blows the audition and is told to leave and never return. Not only does Martin lose his chance to be a rock star but he also loses his job when his boss (Aldo Ray) fires him for leaving work to audition. While wandering around dejected, Martin runs into the local voodoo priestess (Tyger Sodipe), who offers to make him a rock star in exchange for his soul.

Martin agrees and after a ceremony involving a double neck guitar, Martin wakes up to discover that he is now an extremely talented guitarist who lives in a gigantic mansion with three outrageously hot groupies. Martin now has big, heavy metal hair and no longer needs to wear his glasses. Renaming himself Angel Martin, he not only becomes Spastic Colon’s new guitarist but he also pulls the band’s manager (Traci Lords) away from her boyfriend. The only problem is that Martin cannot eat normal food and has to regularly feast on the souls of his groupies in order to stay alive.

Shock “Em Dead is the 1000th retelling of the old Faust legend, about the man who gets everything that he desires but loses his soul in the process. A real product of its time, it’s impossible to watch Shock “Em Dead without thinking about how Martin sold his soul to become the type of musician that, in just a few months, would be made obsolete by Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. I have fond memories of Shock “Em Dead because it always used to air on HBO back when I was growing up but, for the most part, this is a really crummy movie, with a bad script, bad acting, and bad special effects. Shock “Em Dead does prove that Traci Lords had enough talent that, if not for her background as an underage porn star, she probably could have had a mainstream film career. The film also provided small roles for Aldo Ray and Troy Donahue while the legendary Michael Angelo Batio served as Angel’s “guitar double.”