Horror Film Review: Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island (dir by Jeff Wadlow)

Posted on October 1, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Fantasy Island, where your fantasies come true….

Well, some of them do. Some of them don’t. Some of them play out ironically and some of them play out literally. How does the island work? Who knows? It seems to be kind of random. Mr. Rourke (Michael Pena) is your host and he’s got a tragic backstory of his own. Is he a friend or an enemy? Is he an angel or is he a devil? Who knows? Who cares? The film doesn’t.

My point here is that Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island does not make much sense. It’s about a group of people who go to Fantasy Island and each get their own individual fantasy from Mr. Rourke. Apparently, all you have to do to get a fantasy is fill out a one-page questionnaire and have a conversation with Mr. Rourke. It sounds like it should be fun but sometimes, people die!

Gwen Olsen (Maggie Q) visits the island so that the love of her life will propose to her and then they can get married and have a child. Gwen’s lover, Nick (Evan Evagora), died in a fire years ago but suddenly, he’s alive and he’s proposing! But is a fantasy family the same as a real family?

Melanie Cole (Lucy Hale) wants revenge on a girl who tormented her in junior high but is torturing Sloane (Portia Doubleday) really worth giving up her humanity and working with the fearsome Dr. Torture (Ian Roberts)? Seriously, the dude’s name is really Dr. Torture.

Patrick Sullivan (Austin Stowell) is a policeman who wants to serve in the army, like his father did. Patrick’s fantasy leads to him being forced to wander around in the jungle until he gets taken prisoner by a bunch of soldiers, one of whom is his father (Mike Vogel)! Considering his father is dead, Patrick is initially shocked but then a few minutes later, Patrick’s like, “Cool, whatever”

J.D. (Ryan Hansen) and Brax (Jimmy O. Yang) are brothers who want to “have it all!” That’s their fantasy. For them, having it all means a big mansion, sexy models, and a nonstop pool party. But what if having it all also means getting hunted by a drug cartel led by Devil Face (Kim Coates) and …. wait a minute. That doesn’t make any sense at all. If their fantasy was, “I want to be a super rich like Scarface or Escobar,” maybe it would then make sense for a drug cartel to show up but how does “having it all” lead to Kim Coates running around with a machine gun?

Anyway, needless to say, everyone’s fantasy goes differently than how they were expecting. Eventually, all the fantasies connect because everyone has a Final Destination-style connection. For some reason, this leads to everyone ending up in an underground cavern, where they’re chased by random killers. I’m not sure why, to be honest.

Usually, I love incoherent movies but Fantasy Island was just annoying. The main problem is that the fantasies were all just ripped off from other, better movies. For instance, Melanie’s fantasy was basically just a sequel to Saw. J.D. and Brax were in a cheap, Hulu action comedy. Patrick and Gwen’s fantasies felt as if they were lifted from one of those religious films where someone prays and gets a chance to visit with their dead loved ones.

Now, at this point, I should say that Fantasy Island is based on an old TV show where, every week, different guest stars would visit the island and they would have a fantasy and, I assume, learn a lesson. I’ve only seen a few episodes of the show but my impression is that the island was always portrayed as being a benevolent force. People didn’t come to the island and say, “I want this experience” and then end up getting shot in the head. I imagine that explained why the Island was able to remain open and popular. In the movie, though, the Island leads to several deaths and you have to wonder why that wouldn’t hurt business. I mean, if I survived a trip to the movie’s Fantasy Island, I’d probably call my senators and demand that the island by nuked into oblivion. Both of my senators are Republicans so you know they’d be willing to do it, too.

Anyway, my fantasy was for Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island to be shorter than it was because the movie’s about 30 minutes too long and not really interesting enough to hold your attention during the slow spots. Unfortunately, my fantasy did not come true.

A Movie A Day #322: CHiPs (2017, directed by Dax Shepard)

Posted on November 27, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Based on the campy 70s cop show that will live on forever in syndication, CHiPs is about two unlikely partners who, after a rough beginning, work together to catch a cop’s killer and capture a gang of armed robbers.

Officer Jon Baker (Dax Shepherd) is a flaky former motocross champion who joins the California Highway Patrol to try to impress his estranged wife (Kristen Bell). Baker pops painkillers like candy, throws up whenever he enters an unfamiliar house, and has a knee that randomly goes out. Baker can’t shoot, fight, or think but he sure can ride a bike.

Officer Francis Llewelyn “Ponch” Poncherello (Michael Pena) is actually an FBI agent named Castillo who has been assigned to work undercover to investigate corruption in the CHP. Ponch is a sex addict who is obsessed with yoga pants and who keeps accidentally shooting his former partner (Adam Brody).

Both Baker and Ponch are given one identifying characteristic. Baker’s thing is that he always says the wrong thing and then apologizes. Ponch’s thing is that he always says the wrong thing and then doesn’t apologize. That is about as deep as things get.

I’m not really sure who this movie is supposed to appeal to. Michael Pena and Dax Shepard have been good in other productions but they’re both awful here, let down by a script that does not have much to offer beyond tepid bromance and dick jokes. The humor is too deliberately lowbrow and raunchy to appeal to the people who were fans of the quaintly innocent TV show but it’s also neither meta nor clever enough to appeal to the audience that made hits out of 21 and 22 Jump Street. I guess the ideal audience for this film would be people who still find gay panic jokes to be hilarious because CHiPs is full of them. If the last movie you saw was made in 1999 and starred Adam Sandler and David Spade, CHiPs might be right up your alley.

CHiPs is a terrible fucking movie but what really distinguishes it from other terrible movies is the amount of contempt that it seems to have for its source material. The Jump Street movies might have poked fun at the TV series that inspired them but it was still obvious that the films were being made by fans. CHiPs can’t even be bothered to use the original’s theme music as anything other than a way to punctuate a few cheap jokes. Erik Estrada, the original Ponch, does have a cameo but only so he and the new Ponch can talk about eating ass in Spanish. Otherwise, there is nothing that links the movie to the TV show. A more accurate title would have been Two Assholes On Motorcycles, except the motorcycles really are not that important to the film. So, I guess the title would actually just have to be Two Assholes. That sounds about right to me.

CHiPs proves that not every stupid cop show needs a movie version. Now, excuse me while I get back to work on my T.J. Hooker spec script…

The Things You Find On Netflix: XOXO (dir by Christopher Louie)

Posted on September 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I just watched XOXO, the latest Netflix original film and what can I say? Well, I better figure out something to say because otherwise, this is going to be an extremely short review.

XOXO is the latest attempt to capture the American EDM scene on film and, if nothing else, it’s better than We Are Your Friends. In the style of Richard Linklater, the film takes place over one night at the XOXO Music Festival (which should not be confused with the real-life annual festival that takes place in Portland) and follows the adventures of several different characters, all of whom are linked together by their love of a track called All I Ever Wanted. In real-life, All I Ever Wanted is the work of Michael Brun. In XOXO, it’s the work of a YouTube sensation named Ethan Shaw.

Krystal (Sara Hyland) comes to XOXO specifically so she can meet Jordan, a boy that she has previously only talked to online. Despite having never met him face-to-face, Krystal is convinced that she is in love with Jordan and she wants to hear All I Ever Wanted with him by her side. While her friends run off without her, Krystal wanders around the festival, trying to meet up with the continually elusive Jordan.

(Should I mention that Jordan was also the name of the online predator who attempted to molest Emma in the first episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation? I guess I might as well…)

And then there’s Neil (Chris D’Elia). Neil is old. Neil is burned out, almost as if he spent two years co-starring in a sitcom with Whitney Cummings. Despite having rented a party bus to take people to the festival, Neil claims that he hates the whole scene. Neil, it turns out, is still stuck in the 90s. Is it possible that, after making a lot of cynical comments and wandering around looking glum, Neil will eventually start to dance and get caught up in the redemptive spirit of PLUR? (If you already know what PLUR stands for, you’ll probably enjoy XOXO more than someone who doesn’t.)

Shannie (Hayley Kiyoko) and Ray (Colin Woodell) are attending their final festival together. Shannie will soon be moving away and she and Ray are going to have to try to do the dreaded long distance thing. When they lose their tickets and then discover that the festival is sold out, they don’t riot like everyone else. Instead, they duck into the sewers and try to sneak into the festival. Of course, they get lost along the way but that gives them a chance to talk about their relationship. Shannie and Ray didn’t get as much screentime as some of the characters but I liked them. I related to their relationship and you know what? I also would have found a way to sneak into the concert and hear All I Ever Wanted too.

DJ Avilo (Ryan Hansen), who is hopefully not meant to be a stand-in for the real DJ Avilo, is a superstar but he’s also a jerk. He and his manager (LaMonica Garrett) are notorious for cheating up-and-coming young artists. Fortunately, Avilo does get punched in the face at one point. He deserves it.

And finally, there’s Ethan Shaw (Graham Phillips)! Ethan has suddenly been given a chance to perform at XOXO but he only has 8 hours to get there and get prepared to perform! Will Ethan make it and, once he arrives, will he be tricked by Avilo? Ethan, of course, is an idealist whereas Avilo brags about how he just views everyone in the audience as being a dollar sign. But, Avilo also says that he can make Ethan a star. It doesn’t help that Ethan’s current manager, Tariq (Brett DelBuono) shows up late for the festival and is then kissed by a random girl who just happens to have a tap of LSD on her tongue. While Tariq trips, Ethan struggles to maintain his integrity.

XOXO has been getting a lot of negative reviews but I actually kind of liked it. It’s not a great film by any means but it does a good job of portraying an admittedly exaggerated version of American EDM culture. (If you go to the film’s imdb page, you can find all the usual dismissive comments from Europeans bitching about American and western culture. Any film that pisses off a snooty European can’t be all bad.) The film’s totally predictable but the cast is pretty and the music’s great and really, isn’t that all that really matters?

As one character says, “I created this festival because I like to dance. Dancing is important.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Film Review: Veronica Mars (dir by Rob Thomas)

Posted on March 18, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

From 2004 until 2007, there were two types of people in the world. There were people who knew that Veronica Mars was the best show on TV and then there was everyone else.

I’m proud to say that I was a member of the former group.

Airing first on UPN and then on the CW, Veronica Mars was about a tough and tenacious private investigator who also happened to be a high school student. Veronica (played by Kristen Bell) had once been a popular student at Neptune High until her best friend was murdered. When Veronica’s father, who also happened to be Neptune’s sheriff, accused Lily’s wealthy and powerful father of having committed the crime, he was forced out of office and Veronica suddenly found herself transformed into a social pariah. Veronica not only solved Lilly’s murder but several other mysteries as well while also dealing with all the other melodrama that goes along with being a teenage girl.

Veronica Mars never got the ratings that it deserved and it ultimately suffered the humiliating fate of being canceled after three seasons and replaced by a reality series called Pussycat Dolls Presents. But those of us who watched and loved the show knew that it was something special. The show’s creator, Rob Thomas, took two genres that one would normally not think to combine — pulpy mystery and teenage soap opera — and used them to create something totally unique and always watchable. At the center of it all was Kristen Bell’s wonderfully intelligent and snarky performance as Veronica Mars. Veronica was the type of strong and intelligent character that we all wanted to be. By watching her, her strength became our strength.

Those of us who loved the show knew that it was special but we also knew that it was something that only we would truly appreciate. Even as we watched the show, we knew that it was too smart and too quirky to ever be truly appreciated by the type of audiences that embraced shows like JAG or According to Jim. Perhaps that’s why I was always thankful for every episode of Veronica Mars, even the ones that made up the show’s much maligned third season. I would watch Veronica and I would appreciate her strength and her humor and I would be jealous of the wonderful relationship she had with her Dad and, in the back of my mind, I always knew that the show would eventually be gone so I had to enjoy while I could.

From the moment that Veronica Mars was canceled, there were rumors that Veronica would eventually return in a feature film that would tie up all of the loose ends left over from the show’s cancellation. On March 13th, 2013, Rob Thomas and Kristen Bell launched a kickstarter campaign to raise two million dollars to help get that film made. Reaction was, to put it lightly, enthusiastic as fans of the show donated what they could to bring Veronica to the big screen. I even talked two friends of mine into donating a hundred dollars each. Neither one of them had ever seen the show but they both said that my heartfelt pleading won them over. It took 10 hours for the Kickstarter campaign to reach its goal. By the time it ended, over 5 million dollars had been raised.

And now, a little over a year since that historic kickstarter campaign was launched, the Veronica Mars movie has been released. Much as the way the movie was funded made history, the movie itself is making history by being the first major studio film to be concurrently released in theaters and made available via video on demand.

Now, I know what some of you are saying: That’s all great, Lisa, but can you just tell us whether the movie’s any good?

Well, I’m getting there. There’s a reason why I began this review with nearly 600 words about Veronica Mars the television series. How you will react the movie will probably greatly depend on how you felt about the original series. For those who were not fans or who never got around to watching the television series, Veronica Mars the movie will probably feel like a rather standard mystery that’s distinguished by a strong lead performance from Kristen Bell. However, for those of us who loved the television show, Veronica Mars the movie is the perfect late Valentine’s Day gift.

Opening nine years after the end of the series, the movie wastes no time in getting us caught up with what Veronica’s life. Veronica has left Neptune and all of her old friends. She’s moved to New York City, she has a stable relationship with Piz (Chris Lowell), and she’s just been offered a job with a prestigious law firm. While talking to her potential boss (played by Jamie Lee Curtis), Veronica casually dismisses both her former life as a private investigator and the third season’s infamous sex tape.

However, when her ex-boyfriend Logan (Jason Dohring) is accused of murdering his girlfriend, Veronica returns to Neptune. Though she originally says that she’s only interested in helping Logan find a good lawyer and maybe attending her high school reunion, Veronica soon finds herself falling into her old habits.

Admittedly, the film’s central mystery isn’t that compelling, especially when compared to the first season mystery of who killed Lilly Kane. As opposed to the show — where a mystery would be investigated over several episodes — the Veronica Mars movie only has 107 minutes to reveal why Logan’s girlfriend was killed and by who.

But that’s okay because, quite frankly, the movie’s target audience isn’t watching for the mystery. We’re watching because we want to see how familiar characters like Veronica and Logan are doing. We want to see how the past nine years have changed them. This is where director Rob Thomas triumphs. All of the show’s characters have returned. Realistically, some of them have matured while some of them have definitely not. Some of them only show up for cameos while others are central to solving the mystery but what’s important is that all of them are there. That includes Keith Mars who, as played by Enrico Colantoni, remains one of the greatest father figures ever.

(Also back: Ryan Hansen’s wonderfully obnoxious Dick Casablancas. I’m always happy for any chance to look at and appreciate Ryan Hansen.)

I enjoyed Veronica Mars and I was especially happy to see that its final scene contained the perfect set up for another film. If you’re not familiar with the television series, I would suggest watching binge-watching all 64 episodes before watching the movie. Seriously, you won’t be sorry. You’ll get to watch one of the best (and most underappreciated) shows of all time and then you’ll be perfectly set up to enjoy one of the most entertaining films released in 2014 so far.

Finally, on a personal note, there’s no way I can’t mention the fact that my celebrity boyfriend, James Franco, appears, in an extended cameo, as himself. Whether he’s flopping about while trying to fit into a pair of skinny jeans or trying to think of a word that rhymes with orange, James Franco is never less than adorable. Every film should have a James Franco cameo.

Hopefully, he’ll return for Veronica Mars 2.