In 1984’s The Cartier Affair, David Hasselhoff plays Curt Taylor. He has spent the last few years in prison, having been convicted of selling deeds to fake oil wells. He has passed the time by watching a soap opera that stars actress Cartier Rand (Joan Collins). He has also managed to get in debt to the local prison mob boss, Phil Drexler (Telly Savalas).
When Curt learns that he’s being released from prison, Drexler informs him that he’s still expected to find a way to pay off his debt. On the outside, Curt discovers that even his parole officer (Ed Lauter) works for Drexler! Curt is assigned to become the private secretary of Cartier Rand and to steal her jewelry. In order to get the job, Curt has to pretend to be gay. That’s the only way that Cartier’s boyfriend (Charles Napier) would be willing to accept the idea of a male private secretary.
(Wouldn’t it just be simpler for Curt to rob a bank or something?)
Once he’s a part of the household staff, Curt discovers that Cartier is more than just the star of his favorite soap opera. She’s someone who is tired of reciting melodramatic dialogue and kissing her co-stars. She has serious ambitions. Curt is immediately attracted to her and soon, Cartier is attracted to Curt. But, of course, Curt is pretending to be gay and, to his horror, Cartier sets Curt up with one of her gay friends.
Meanwhile, the bad guys want their money….
The first half of the film is taken up by scenes of people mistaking Curt for being gay and there are more than a few moments and jokes that a film wouldn’t be allowed to get away with today. A scene where Curt finds himself in a gay bar is cringey because, rather than asking us to laugh at Curt for panicking about finding himself in the rather innocuous location, the film asks us to instead laugh at the sight of men slow-dancing with other men. Early on in the film, there’s a few scene where Hasselhoff overplays his attempts to come across as being gay. Fortunately, Hasselhoff soon stops doing that and his performance improves as the film goes on.
The film gets slightly better during the second half, when Cartier learns the truth about Curt and the two of them somewhat implausibly go on the run from the bad guys. They end up getting chased out to the desert, trading one-liners all the way, and I do have to admit that Collins and Hasselhoff displayed a surprising amount of chemistry during those scenes.
The film is tonal mishmash that doesn’t really work. It tries to parody the type of soap operas that made Cartier Rand a star and it also tries to be a relatively exciting chase film but it keeps getting bogged down in plot points that ultimately feel rather superfluous. My main issue that, if Drexler really wanted to get him money from Curt, it seems like he would have come up with a less complicated scheme, like robbing a bank or fencing stolen goods or something like that. Instead, Curt is supposed to go undercover, pretend to be gay, and rob one of the most famous women on the planet. I mean, Hell, he could have just broken into a jewelry store and gotten it all done in one night. That said, Hasselhoff and Collins have a bit of charm to them. It’s a shame they didn’t co-star in a better film.
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